Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide
-
0:05 - 0:07I want everybody to close their eyes.
-
0:09 - 0:12I want you to imagine being in love.
-
0:14 - 0:17Maybe you have been in love,
-
0:17 - 0:19maybe you hope to be in love.
-
0:20 - 0:21What was that like?
-
0:22 - 0:24Your heart starts racing,
-
0:24 - 0:26your stomach gets all weird.
-
0:26 - 0:28You call up your best friend and say:
-
0:28 - 0:31"Oh, my gosh, I think
I just met the love of my life!" -
0:32 - 0:34In three weeks.
-
0:35 - 0:37We figured that out so quick.
-
0:37 - 0:40We make these very quick decisions.
-
0:40 - 0:44All of our emotion
comes rushing so quickly. -
0:44 - 0:46But then, what happens down the road?
-
0:46 - 0:49We realize,
"What were we thinking?" -
0:51 - 0:5450% of marriages fail. Why?
-
0:55 - 0:58Two of my very good friends
called me within a week of each other -
0:58 - 1:02and told me that their marriage
of over ten years had failed, -
1:03 - 1:07even though everyone else
around them knew -
1:07 - 1:10that they weren't making
a good decision at the time. -
1:10 - 1:12You know, my best friend -
-
1:12 - 1:14Her mother and I knew
over ten years ago -
1:14 - 1:17that the guy that she picked
was kind of controlling; -
1:18 - 1:21he was dismissive towards women,
-
1:21 - 1:23and he really wanted a woman
that would stay home, -
1:23 - 1:26cook, clean, and have their child.
-
1:26 - 1:30And my friend was
not at all interested in that, -
1:30 - 1:32she was singing jazz in New York City.
-
1:32 - 1:34She was very happy to have that life,
-
1:34 - 1:36but that's not what he was interested in.
-
1:36 - 1:38But somewhere along the way,
-
1:38 - 1:40she fell in love with him,
-
1:40 - 1:43and so she sacrificed for the family,
-
1:43 - 1:47she sacrificed for what she thought
was the right decision. -
1:47 - 1:48And ten years down the road,
-
1:48 - 1:51she realized she didn't recognize herself,
-
1:51 - 1:53and then she decided to leave.
-
1:53 - 1:55A women asked me the other day -
-
1:55 - 1:58she was complaining, at 40, saying
-
1:58 - 2:00that there was no good men left.
-
2:00 - 2:03And she said that the only men
that are out there -
2:03 - 2:05are the Peter Pan guys.
-
2:06 - 2:09The men who, as she described,
don't want to grow up, -
2:09 - 2:12that they don't want to have kids,
they don't want to get married, -
2:12 - 2:14they don't want to settle down.
-
2:14 - 2:17And she spent all her time and energy
trying to 'un-Peter-Pan' them. -
2:19 - 2:22And she asked me, what do I think,
why does this come about, -
2:22 - 2:26why can't she find anybody,
and why can't she fix this situation. -
2:26 - 2:30So I say to her:
"How honest do you want me to be?" -
2:32 - 2:34And she said, "Oh, yes, very honest!
-
2:34 - 2:37I'm really serious. I want to fix
this problem. How do I do this?" -
2:38 - 2:42And I said: "Well, I think
you're investing all your energy -
2:43 - 2:45in people that are really happy.
-
2:45 - 2:47They're totally fine.
-
2:47 - 2:50Why should they get married,
have kids, and settle down? -
2:50 - 2:53They don't want to, you do."
-
2:53 - 2:56So, the issue is your focus,
the issue is your perspective. -
2:56 - 2:58How are we selecting partners?
-
3:00 - 3:03And why are we trying
to force them to change? -
3:03 - 3:06Or, why are we ignoring who they are,
-
3:06 - 3:10or the red flags that are
right in front of our face ? -
3:10 - 3:14I have women all the time, complaining
- in their 30s, 40s, and 50s -
3:14 - 3:18that they can't find
the man of their dreams -
3:18 - 3:20or woman of their dreams.
-
3:21 - 3:24I have men complaining that they feel
that they're being overlooked -
3:24 - 3:28because they are the good guy,
the nice guy, the friend, -
3:28 - 3:30and what they find is
-
3:32 - 3:36that people are dating
the unavailable person, -
3:37 - 3:41the player, the pathological liar,
-
3:42 - 3:44the person who's already married.
-
3:45 - 3:49So, we make all these decisions
in our relationships, -
3:49 - 3:52and we end up two,
three years down the road, -
3:52 - 3:56ten years down the road, in despair.
-
3:57 - 3:59We struggle to try to find
the relationship that we want, -
3:59 - 4:03whether that leads to marriage
or just to long term commitment. -
4:03 - 4:06Why do we repeat this cycle
over and over and over again? -
4:06 - 4:08And the woman that asked me earlier
-
4:08 - 4:11- that I had talked about, that asked
my advice about why this happens - -
4:11 - 4:14says: "Oh, no! I don't date
the Peter Pan guys. -
4:14 - 4:16I just see them out there.
-
4:16 - 4:20Well, except the last two relationships,
I did date the Peter Pan guy." -
4:20 - 4:25"Oh, OK, so, you do date them.
So why do you choose them?" -
4:25 - 4:27She couldn't really explain it.
-
4:27 - 4:29And then she just kept coming back
-
4:29 - 4:31and saying: "No, no,
I don't really date them." -
4:31 - 4:33"OK, except the last two."
-
4:33 - 4:36So, she became really defensive
in this conversation -
4:36 - 4:39and was denying the truth
-
4:39 - 4:42that everyone else
around her could see -
4:42 - 4:45- the people that loved her
the most, her friends, her family. -
4:46 - 4:47So I asked myself:
-
4:47 - 4:51on the path of love,
what happens? What do we do? -
4:51 - 4:54It starts off beautiful,
wonderful, perfect. -
4:54 - 4:58You're totally in love with this person
in a very short period of time. -
4:59 - 5:01And then, we see
a red flag, but we ignore it -
5:02 - 5:06because we say: "No, no. It must be us.
We're crazy. We're too picky." -
5:06 - 5:09But the problem is that
our friends and family see it too. -
5:10 - 5:13And they are concerned.
They may or may not say anything. -
5:13 - 5:15And then, what is our response?
-
5:15 - 5:17We attack them.
-
5:17 - 5:20"Well, you will never be happy
if I am happy." -
5:20 - 5:23"I finally found someone I love
and you can't accept it." -
5:24 - 5:29"Well, you just don't know him.
He is different when we are alone." -
5:30 - 5:32We tell ourselves this all the time.
-
5:33 - 5:36Then there is a combination of red flags.
-
5:36 - 5:40And we tell ourselves,
"Well, all relationships take work," -
5:41 - 5:46which is true, but we tell
ourselves this in a misguided way, -
5:47 - 5:50so our friends and family
express their concern. -
5:50 - 5:52And what do we do?
We attack them. We're defensive. -
5:52 - 5:55And then we begin to isolate from them.
-
5:55 - 5:57They try to intervene, and they say:
-
5:57 - 6:00"Look, I am really concerned
about this person that you're dating. -
6:00 - 6:02And I want you to think about that.
-
6:02 - 6:06I want you to try and pick
someone else or just end it." -
6:06 - 6:08And we may even admit to ourselves:
-
6:08 - 6:11"Yeah, I probably should end it.
I know this person isn't good for me." -
6:12 - 6:13But we don't.
-
6:13 - 6:15So then, what happens is -
-
6:15 - 6:19because family or friends, or anyone
in our life, colleges, co-workers, -
6:19 - 6:22because they conflict
with us, and they say, -
6:22 - 6:24"Look, there is a problem here,"
-
6:24 - 6:26we feel embarrassed, we feel ashamed.
-
6:26 - 6:28And so, what do we do?
We separate from them. -
6:28 - 6:30So we don't go
to the friends' house anymore -
6:30 - 6:32because they're always complaining.
-
6:32 - 6:35Then the family gets angry,
-
6:35 - 6:38then they separate from you;
they stop trying. -
6:38 - 6:41And eventually, we realize too
-
6:41 - 6:43that we were wrong and they were right.
-
6:43 - 6:46And we hate it. It drives us nuts.
-
6:46 - 6:48Then we despair,
-
6:49 - 6:52and say, "Are we ever
going to find anybody?" -
6:52 - 6:56And we could have saved
so much time and energy and despair -
6:56 - 6:59if we would just listen to
the people that are around us -
6:59 - 7:02and not to be so defensive.
-
7:04 - 7:08Why do we repeat this cycle?
Why do we repeat this? -
7:08 - 7:09Because we do it all the time.
-
7:10 - 7:11Our brain -
-
7:11 - 7:15I think that the same part
of our brain that controls addiction -
7:16 - 7:18controls our feelings of love
-
7:18 - 7:20because our feelings of love,
-
7:20 - 7:23that intense connection
that we feel with someone, -
7:23 - 7:25which is totally irrational
-
7:25 - 7:27- we don't really know them,
-
7:27 - 7:29we don't really have
all those things in common -
7:29 - 7:31but we want to believe that we do -
-
7:31 - 7:35it's just like being addicted
to drugs or alcohol. -
7:35 - 7:37It's an addiction, it is.
-
7:38 - 7:41And for whatever reason,
we're not wise enough to figure it out. -
7:41 - 7:43We're not wise enough
-
7:43 - 7:46because our emotion and our perception,
our feelings of this love -
7:46 - 7:49controls our brain, our mind,
-
7:49 - 7:53our prefrontal cortex
which is at the front of your brain. -
7:53 - 7:55The prefrontal cortex
is the part of the brain -
7:55 - 7:58that's rational,
it makes rational decisions. -
7:58 - 8:01It tells the other parts
of the brain, "Knock it off." -
8:01 - 8:04When you want to punch
somebody and then you realize: -
8:04 - 8:07"Nope, that's my boss,
I can't do that," (Laughter) -
8:07 - 8:10that's the prefrontal cortex
telling you, "Knock it off." -
8:10 - 8:12But we don't allow the prefrontal cortex
-
8:12 - 8:15to control our heart
and our feelings of love, -
8:15 - 8:18so that's how we get in these situations.
-
8:18 - 8:21It could genetics,
it could be role models, -
8:21 - 8:23maybe we don't know anyone
that has a happy marriage -
8:23 - 8:26or happy relationship, things like that.
-
8:26 - 8:30Some people have this idea
that we are drawn to danger. -
8:30 - 8:33Why do we date the person
-
8:33 - 8:38who we know is historically
unfaithful and a liar? -
8:38 - 8:42They tell us about their last partner,
and they cheated on them, -
8:42 - 8:44but somehow we still think that:
-
8:44 - 8:46"Oh, they are going
to be different with us." -
8:46 - 8:49Meanwhile, the good person is there,
-
8:49 - 8:54the good guy who is honest,
faithful, trustworthy, loves you, -
8:54 - 8:56but we ignore them.
-
8:56 - 9:00I have an example; don't laugh.
-
9:00 - 9:02It's the bachelorette.
-
9:02 - 9:05Has anyone paid attention
to [The] Bachelor [show] recently? -
9:05 - 9:08Audience) Yes.
AR: OK, one person, thank you. -
9:08 - 9:11Des, who is the bachelorette,
-
9:11 - 9:13is down to three guys
-
9:14 - 9:17two of which are madly in love with her.
-
9:17 - 9:18Madly in love with her.
-
9:18 - 9:22They tell her, they're affectionate,
they write poems, they sing songs, -
9:22 - 9:24all this wonderful stuff.
-
9:24 - 9:26Who does she fall in love with?
-
9:26 - 9:28The guy that doesn't love her.
-
9:30 - 9:32And he tells her, he breaks her heart,
-
9:32 - 9:36- I don't know what's going to happen,
there is only one show left - -
9:37 - 9:40but I think this is symbolic of life.
-
9:40 - 9:43We do this all the time, we see
our friends making these decisions. -
9:44 - 9:46Love rules our mind.
-
9:48 - 9:51It seems like we are addicted to drugs,
-
9:51 - 9:56we're obsessed, we're compulsive
with this idea of love; we can't sleep. -
9:56 - 10:02Either we can't eat, or when we do eat it
that cheeseburger, it tastes so delicious -
10:03 - 10:05because now we're in love,
everything is amplified. -
10:06 - 10:08This is my favorite quote here.
-
10:08 - 10:14- It reminds me of the lady who wants
to "un-Peter-Pan" the guys she dates - -
10:14 - 10:16"Never try to teach a pig to sing.
-
10:18 - 10:21It annoys the pig,
and it wastes your time." -
10:22 - 10:24I am not saying that men are pigs
-
10:24 - 10:26- and if they were pigs,
-
10:26 - 10:28women are just as much pigs as they are -
-
10:28 - 10:31but why are constantly trying
to change people? -
10:32 - 10:37We go into this relationship,
and pigs can't sing, -
10:37 - 10:40and yet, we keep trying
to get them to sing, and it's just - -
10:40 - 10:43you know, it's annoying,
and it wastes your time. -
10:43 - 10:44Meanwhile,
-
10:44 - 10:47you're in that relationship for two years,
and you've wasted all that time -
10:47 - 10:50when really, there are
so many opportunities out there for you. -
10:52 - 10:53So, how do we fix this?
-
10:54 - 10:56Short list, but hard.
-
10:58 - 11:02We have to open our heart
to a real self-assessment. -
11:02 - 11:07The woman who asked for advice
sat in a circle of all of her friends -
11:07 - 11:11- we were just hanging out
in the backyard having a barbeque - -
11:11 - 11:15and she refused to listen
to every single one of them, -
11:15 - 11:17who all said the same thing.
-
11:18 - 11:22We have to open up
our heart to a self-assessment. -
11:22 - 11:23What is going on with us?
-
11:23 - 11:27What are we doing to contribute
to these relationships? -
11:27 - 11:30What are we afraid of?
Do we think we are not worth it? -
11:30 - 11:32Do we think we have to
settle for this person? -
11:35 - 11:38You have to get healthier,
-
11:38 - 11:41and on the path to being healthier
we have to get to know ourselves. -
11:41 - 11:43I can't tell you how many people say -
-
11:43 - 11:46Well, they go out on a date and they go:
-
11:46 - 11:49"Oh, I hope that they'll like me."
-
11:49 - 11:54I say: "What?! I hope you like them!
-
11:54 - 11:56Who cares if they like you?"
-
11:56 - 11:59You need to assess
this person to figure out -
11:59 - 12:01if they're a good fit for you.
-
12:01 - 12:05If our entire focus in dating
is "I hope that they like me," -
12:05 - 12:07no wonder we make bad decisions.
-
12:07 - 12:09And then you have the person
who always says: -
12:09 - 12:12"Well, let me just put it out there.
-
12:12 - 12:14I'm just going to tell you
everything that I'm looking for. -
12:14 - 12:18I want this kind of person who does this,
and who is interested in this." -
12:18 - 12:20Well, the unscrupulous person
-
12:20 - 12:22who just kind of wants to land you in bed
-
12:22 - 12:26is going to tell you all of that stuff
that you've just told them. -
12:26 - 12:30So, instead of putting everything
out there and letting them -
12:32 - 12:35become who you want, temporarily,
-
12:35 - 12:36to get what they want,
-
12:36 - 12:38you need to take a step back
-
12:38 - 12:42and figure out what are
the most important things for you. -
12:42 - 12:44Think of three questions.
-
12:44 - 12:48If you really want to get married
and have kids, and you're 35, -
12:48 - 12:51well, that should be one
of the first questions you ask: -
12:52 - 12:54Are you interested in getting married?
-
12:54 - 12:56I'm not saying to me,
I'm not saying tomorrow, -
12:56 - 12:58but is this in your plan?
-
12:58 - 13:00Because there are
many people out there who say: -
13:00 - 13:03"No way. I am good.
If I never get married, I'll be happy." -
13:03 - 13:05We have to be bolder.
-
13:06 - 13:08We have to know what we want,
-
13:08 - 13:11and be stubborn only about
the really important stuff. -
13:11 - 13:13I had a friend who said -
-
13:13 - 13:16she didn't want to date anybody
-
13:16 - 13:20who ever in their entire life
did drugs, including pot, -
13:20 - 13:23and I said: "Well!
-
13:23 - 13:27Most people have done drugs,
at least once in their life. -
13:27 - 13:30So, I don't know...
Is that really important?" -
13:30 - 13:33I could see if they're a pothead,
smoking every week, -
13:33 - 13:37and they're not going to work
and, all that stuff, I get it. -
13:37 - 13:41But we have to really be wise
about what we're looking for. -
13:41 - 13:44How about "Let's be stubborn
about honesty?" -
13:44 - 13:47and "Is the person honest?";
-
13:47 - 13:49that's what we want to be stubborn about.
-
13:51 - 13:53The foolish person
seeks happiness in the distance; -
13:53 - 13:56the wise person seeks it under [his] feet.
-
13:56 - 14:01We have to be happy with ourselves,
we have to be happy with our presence, -
14:01 - 14:03and happiness will come to us more.
-
14:03 - 14:05If we're miserable now,
-
14:05 - 14:08.then we'll just become
more and more miserable -
14:08 - 14:10as we evaluate our lives.
-
14:10 - 14:12It's about our perspective.
-
14:13 - 14:15Number one rule
-
14:15 - 14:19- and a lot of people think
this is crazy but I stand by it 100% - -
14:19 - 14:23your friends and family
must meet your prospect. -
14:23 - 14:24If you feel uncomfortable and pressured,
-
14:24 - 14:27and:"Oh, my gosh,
they going to think I am crazy," -
14:27 - 14:29maybe that's a problem.
-
14:29 - 14:33You can stage a fake, a setup
(Strikes a pose) (Laughter) -
14:33 - 14:36like "Oh, we just happened
to go to this restaurant, -
14:36 - 14:38and oh, look, there is my best friend.
-
14:38 - 14:40Oh, why don't you join us for dinner?"
-
14:42 - 14:46Because they will tell you
if that person is good for you or not, -
14:46 - 14:49but the problem is
we have to listen to them, -
14:52 - 14:56and it has to happen early,
within three to five dates. Why? -
14:56 - 14:59Because that's when we fall in love
-
14:59 - 15:01- within the first three or five dates -
-
15:01 - 15:03that's when we're already hooked.
-
15:03 - 15:07We might not say it, we may not admit it,
but we know it's true; -
15:07 - 15:10that's when we get hooked,
in those early days, -
15:10 - 15:13That's when we become an addict
and our lives become unmanageable. -
15:13 - 15:15So we have to back that up
-
15:15 - 15:19and just get our first impression
of somebody right from the beginning. -
15:20 - 15:22And if they say, "Run," then run.
-
15:24 - 15:25Run!
-
15:28 - 15:32And don't pay attention
to the one person that says to you: -
15:32 - 15:35"Oh, whatever makes you happy.
I trust you make a good decision." -
15:35 - 15:38No, no, no. Don't listen to that person.
-
15:38 - 15:41If three out of five of your friends
or two out of three say: -
15:41 - 15:45"Oh, I don't know. I'm not feeling it.
I'm not thinking they're right for you." -
15:45 - 15:47Run, run, even if you think:
-
15:47 - 15:50"Oh, but they have so much potential,
and we have so much in common." -
15:50 - 15:51No, just run.
-
15:51 - 15:54You have to trust your community
because they are wiser, -
15:54 - 15:57they are wiser than us
when we're in the midst of this. -
15:59 - 16:02Get ongoing advice. Pick your mean friend.
-
16:02 - 16:06Your friend that's so honest, you're just
like, "Oh, I don't want to ask her -
16:06 - 16:09because I know
she is going to say something bad," -
16:09 - 16:12that's the one you want to go to.
-
16:12 - 16:16Talk to a professional,
a consultant, a therapist, anyone, -
16:16 - 16:19just talk to someone else to get feedback.
-
16:20 - 16:22Pay attention to red flags every day,
-
16:22 - 16:25and be brave enough to walk away early.
-
16:25 - 16:28Be brave enough to walk away.
-
16:29 - 16:32Real love is possible. It is.
-
16:33 - 16:37The relationship that you're in
now can be better, too. -
16:37 - 16:39Don't get discouraged, don't get upset.
-
16:39 - 16:45Believe in your ability to analyze, trust
yourself, trust your gut, you can do it. -
16:45 - 16:48Don't be afraid to ask
those questions. Don't be intimidated. -
16:48 - 16:51If you're intimidated to ask
that really important question now, -
16:51 - 16:53what do you think
is going to happen in five years -
16:53 - 16:55when you've never asked it?
-
16:55 - 16:56Be brave, you can do it.
-
16:56 - 16:58Action conquers fear:
-
16:58 - 17:01the more we do it,
the more comfortable we get with it. -
17:01 - 17:03My wife said on our first date,
-
17:03 - 17:06she thought she was dating
an FBI interrogator -
17:06 - 17:09because I asked her so many questions.
-
17:09 - 17:13But look what happened.
We got married. She passed my test. -
17:14 - 17:19Miracles can happen,
and you must believe love is possible. -
17:19 - 17:23It is possible, if you follow
these steps, if you get advice, -
17:23 - 17:25if you listen to your friends and family;
-
17:25 - 17:28they love you, they really do,
they only want what's best for you. -
17:28 - 17:31Don't lie to yourself and tell yourself:
-
17:31 - 17:35"Well, they're just jealous,"
or "They never had a good relationship." -
17:35 - 17:38Listen to them,
they love you. It's possible. -
17:39 - 17:40Thank you.
-
17:40 - 17:41(Applause)
- Title:
- Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide
- Description:
-
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED conferences.
Are you ready to talk about relationships? Alexandra Redcay concisely explains and guides the audience into the complexities of second guessing, wrongful choosing, and the roles asking the important questions come to play in choosing the right romantic relationships. - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 17:46
Denise RQ approved English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide | ||
Denise RQ edited English subtitles for Select the right relationship | Alexandra Redcay | TEDxUpperEastSide |