[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.58,0:00:06.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want everybody to close their eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.09,0:00:11.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to imagine being in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.24,0:00:16.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe you have been in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.67,0:00:18.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe you hope to be in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.69,0:00:21.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was that like?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.75,0:00:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your heart starts racing,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.85,0:00:26.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your stomach gets all weird.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.02,0:00:27.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You call up your best friend and say:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.96,0:00:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, my gosh, I think\NI just met the love of my life!"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.25,0:00:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In three weeks.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.100,0:00:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We figured that out so quick.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.42,0:00:40.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We make these very quick decisions.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.01,0:00:43.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All of our emotion\Ncomes rushing so quickly.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.62,0:00:46.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then, what happens down the road?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.49,0:00:49.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We realize,\N"What were we thinking?"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.58,0:00:53.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,50% of marriages fail. Why?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.73,0:00:58.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two of my very good friends\Ncalled me within a week of each other
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.05,0:01:02.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and told me that their marriage\Nof over ten years had failed,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.18,0:01:06.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though everyone else\Naround them knew
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.74,0:01:10.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they weren't making\Na good decision at the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.29,0:01:12.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, my best friend -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.19,0:01:14.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Her mother and I knew\Nover ten years ago
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.19,0:01:17.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the guy that she picked\Nwas kind of controlling;
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.03,0:01:20.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he was dismissive towards women,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.68,0:01:23.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he really wanted a woman\Nthat would stay home,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.27,0:01:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,cook, clean, and have their child.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.36,0:01:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my friend was\Nnot at all interested in that,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.85,0:01:31.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she was singing jazz in New York City.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.67,0:01:34.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was very happy to have that life,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.43,0:01:36.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that's not what he was interested in.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.42,0:01:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But somewhere along the way,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.41,0:01:40.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she fell in love with him,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.41,0:01:43.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so she sacrificed for the family,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.17,0:01:46.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she sacrificed for what she thought\Nwas the right decision.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.69,0:01:48.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ten years down the road,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.08,0:01:50.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she realized she didn't recognize herself,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.52,0:01:52.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then she decided to leave.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.68,0:01:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A women asked me the other day -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.82,0:01:57.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she was complaining, at 40, saying
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.60,0:01:59.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there was no good men left.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.48,0:02:03.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said that the only men \Nthat are out there
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.14,0:02:05.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are the Peter Pan guys.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.100,0:02:09.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The men who, as she described,\Ndon't want to grow up,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.10,0:02:12.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they don't want to have kids,\Nthey don't want to get married,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.34,0:02:13.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't want to settle down.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.86,0:02:17.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she spent all her time and energy\Ntrying to 'un-Peter-Pan' them.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.98,0:02:22.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she asked me, what do I think,\Nwhy does this come about,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.49,0:02:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why can't she find anybody,\Nand why can't she fix this situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.46,0:02:30.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I say to her:\N"How honest do you want me to be?"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.11,0:02:33.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "Oh, yes, very honest!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.90,0:02:37.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm really serious. I want to fix\Nthis problem. How do I do this?"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.00,0:02:41.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said: "Well, I think\Nyou're investing all your energy
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.58,0:02:45.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in people that are really happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.41,0:02:47.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're totally fine.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.41,0:02:50.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why should they get married,\Nhave kids, and settle down?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.04,0:02:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't want to, you do."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.58,0:02:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, the issue is your focus,\Nthe issue is your perspective.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.84,0:02:58.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How are we selecting partners?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.11,0:03:02.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why are we trying\Nto force them to change?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.84,0:03:06.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, why are we ignoring who they are,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.46,0:03:09.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the red flags that are \Nright in front of our face ?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.51,0:03:14.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have women all the time, complaining\N- in their 30s, 40s, and 50s
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.38,0:03:17.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they can't find\Nthe man of their dreams
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.59,0:03:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or woman of their dreams.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.52,0:03:24.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have men complaining that they feel\Nthat they're being overlooked
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.31,0:03:27.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they are the good guy,\Nthe nice guy, the friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.88,0:03:29.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what they find is
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.25,0:03:35.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people are dating\Nthe unavailable person,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.58,0:03:40.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the player, the pathological liar,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.55,0:03:43.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the person who's already married.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.02,0:03:48.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, we make all these decisions\Nin our relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.61,0:03:52.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we end up two,\Nthree years down the road,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.20,0:03:55.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ten years down the road, in despair.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.52,0:03:59.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We struggle to try to find\Nthe relationship that we want,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.23,0:04:02.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether that leads to marriage\Nor just to long term commitment.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.93,0:04:05.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we repeat this cycle\Nover and over and over again?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.85,0:04:07.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the woman that asked me earlier
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.73,0:04:11.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- that I had talked about, that asked\Nmy advice about why this happens -
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.35,0:04:13.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,says: "Oh, no! I don't date\Nthe Peter Pan guys.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.85,0:04:15.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just see them out there.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.75,0:04:20.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, except the last two relationships,\NI did date the Peter Pan guy."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.22,0:04:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, OK, so, you do date them.\NSo why do you choose them?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.62,0:04:26.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She couldn't really explain it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.68,0:04:28.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she just kept coming back
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.70,0:04:30.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and saying: "No, no,\NI don't really date them."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.99,0:04:32.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"OK, except the last two."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.91,0:04:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, she became really defensive\Nin this conversation
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.85,0:04:39.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was denying the truth
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.23,0:04:41.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that everyone else\Naround her could see
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.97,0:04:44.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- the people that loved her\Nthe most, her friends, her family.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.06,0:04:47.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I asked myself:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.49,0:04:51.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the path of love,\Nwhat happens? What do we do?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.01,0:04:54.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It starts off beautiful,\Nwonderful, perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.44,0:04:57.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You're totally in love with this person\Nin a very short period of time.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.96,0:05:01.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, we see \Na red flag, but we ignore it
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.48,0:05:06.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we say: "No, no. It must be us.\NWe're crazy. We're too picky."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.39,0:05:09.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the problem is that\Nour friends and family see it too.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.95,0:05:12.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they are concerned.\NThey may or may not say anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.84,0:05:14.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, what is our response?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.17,0:05:17.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We attack them.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.06,0:05:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, you will never be happy\Nif I am happy."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.17,0:05:23.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I finally found someone I love\Nand you can't accept it."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.48,0:05:28.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, you just don't know him.\NHe is different when we are alone."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.56,0:05:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We tell ourselves this all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.16,0:05:36.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then there is a combination of red flags.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.18,0:05:39.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we tell ourselves,\N"Well, all relationships take work,"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.67,0:05:46.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is true, but we tell \Nourselves this in a misguided way,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.04,0:05:49.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so our friends and family\Nexpress their concern.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.72,0:05:52.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what do we do?\NWe attack them. We're defensive.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.19,0:05:54.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then we begin to isolate from them.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.83,0:05:56.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They try to intervene, and they say:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.86,0:06:00.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Look, I am really concerned\Nabout this person that you're dating.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.16,0:06:01.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want you to think about that.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.88,0:06:06.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to try and pick\Nsomeone else or just end it."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.04,0:06:07.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we may even admit to ourselves:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.80,0:06:11.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Yeah, I probably should end it.\NI know this person isn't good for me."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.99,0:06:13.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.26,0:06:14.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So then, what happens is -
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.90,0:06:18.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because family or friends, or anyone\Nin our life, colleges, co-workers,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.87,0:06:22.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they conflict\Nwith us, and they say,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.19,0:06:23.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Look, there is a problem here,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.88,0:06:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we feel embarrassed, we feel ashamed.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.77,0:06:28.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, what do we do?\NWe separate from them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.14,0:06:30.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we don't go\Nto the friends' house anymore
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.23,0:06:32.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they're always complaining.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.38,0:06:34.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then the family gets angry,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.80,0:06:37.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they separate from you;\Nthey stop trying.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.83,0:06:40.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And eventually, we realize too
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.64,0:06:43.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we were wrong and they were right.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.45,0:06:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we hate it. It drives us nuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.25,0:06:47.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then we despair,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.14,0:06:51.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and say, "Are we ever\Ngoing to find anybody?"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.00,0:06:56.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we could have saved\Nso much time and energy and despair
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.12,0:06:59.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we would just listen to\Nthe people that are around us
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.31,0:07:02.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not to be so defensive.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.75,0:07:07.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we repeat this cycle?\NWhy do we repeat this?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.57,0:07:09.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because we do it all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.12,0:07:11.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our brain -
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.95,0:07:18.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,controls our feelings of love
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.43,0:07:15.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that the same part\Nof our brain that controls addiction
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.04,0:07:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because our feelings of love,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.71,0:07:22.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that intense connection\Nthat we feel with someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.83,0:07:24.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is totally irrational
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.99,0:07:26.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- we don't really know them,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.68,0:07:28.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't really have\Nall those things in common
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.21,0:07:35.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's just like being addicted\Nto drugs or alcohol.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.90,0:07:31.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we want to believe that we do -
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.08,0:07:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's an addiction, it is.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.83,0:07:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And for whatever reason,\Nwe're not wise enough to figure it out.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.95,0:07:42.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're not wise enough
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.50,0:07:46.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because our emotion and our perception,\Nour feelings of this love
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.04,0:07:49.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,controls our brain, our mind,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.25,0:07:52.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our prefrontal cortex\Nwhich is at the front of your brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.78,0:07:54.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The prefrontal cortex\Nis the part of the brain
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.99,0:07:57.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's rational,\Nit makes rational decisions.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.76,0:08:00.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It tells the other parts\Nof the brain, "Knock it off."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.95,0:08:03.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you want to punch\Nsomebody and then you realize:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.56,0:08:06.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Nope, that's my boss,\NI can't do that," (Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.60,0:08:09.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the prefrontal cortex\Ntelling you, "Knock it off."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.52,0:08:12.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we don't allow the prefrontal cortex
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.43,0:08:15.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to control our heart\Nand our feelings of love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.12,0:08:17.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that's how we get in these situations.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.49,0:08:20.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It could genetics,\Nit could be role models,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.71,0:08:23.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe we don't know anyone\Nthat has a happy marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.47,0:08:26.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or happy relationship, things like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.16,0:08:30.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some people have this idea\Nthat we are drawn to danger.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.41,0:08:32.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we date the person
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.64,0:08:37.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who we know is historically\Nunfaithful and a liar?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.98,0:08:41.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They tell us about their last partner,\Nand they cheated on them,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.100,0:08:43.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but somehow we still think that:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.78,0:08:45.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, they are going\Nto be different with us."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.89,0:08:49.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meanwhile, the good person is there,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.38,0:08:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the good guy who is honest,\Nfaithful, trustworthy, loves you,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.20,0:08:59.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have an example; don't laugh.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.96,0:08:56.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we ignore them.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.61,0:09:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the bachelorette.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.72,0:09:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Has anyone paid attention\Nto [The] Bachelor [show] recently?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.68,0:09:07.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Audience) Yes.\NAR: OK, one person, thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.79,0:09:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Des, who is the bachelorette,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.62,0:09:12.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is down to three guys
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.64,0:09:16.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two of which are madly in love with her.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.28,0:09:21.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They tell her, they're affectionate,\Nthey write poems, they sing songs,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.68,0:09:18.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Madly in love with her.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.80,0:09:23.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all this wonderful stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.74,0:09:26.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who does she fall in love with?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.22,0:09:28.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The guy that doesn't love her.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.24,0:09:32.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he tells her, he breaks her heart,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.42,0:09:35.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I don't know what's going to happen,\Nthere is only one show left -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:36.92,0:09:40.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think this is symbolic of life.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.17,0:09:43.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do this all the time, we see\Nour friends making these decisions.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.43,0:09:46.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love rules our mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.31,0:09:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like we are addicted to drugs,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.76,0:09:55.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're obsessed, we're compulsive\Nwith this idea of love; we can't sleep.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.71,0:10:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Either we can't eat, or when we do eat it\Nthat cheeseburger, it tastes so delicious
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.69,0:10:05.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because now we're in love,\Neverything is amplified.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.22,0:10:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is my favorite quote here.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.35,0:10:13.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- It reminds me of the lady who wants\Nto "un-Peter-Pan" the guys she dates -
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.69,0:10:16.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Never try to teach a pig to sing.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.61,0:10:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It annoys the pig,\Nand it wastes your time."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.70,0:10:24.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am not saying that men are pigs
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.31,0:10:25.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- and if they were pigs,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.27,0:10:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but why are constantly trying\Nto change people?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.82,0:10:28.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,women are just as much pigs as they are -
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.50,0:10:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We go into this relationship,\Nand pigs can't sing,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.60,0:10:39.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet, we keep trying\Nto get them to sing, and it's just -
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.79,0:10:42.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, it's annoying,\Nand it wastes your time.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.75,0:10:43.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Meanwhile,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.87,0:10:47.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're in that relationship for two years,\Nand you've wasted all that time
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.51,0:10:53.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, how do we fix this?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.38,0:10:50.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when really, there are\Nso many opportunities out there for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.10,0:10:56.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Short list, but hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.66,0:11:01.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to open our heart\Nto a real self-assessment.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.61,0:11:07.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The woman who asked for advice\Nsat in a circle of all of her friends
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.06,0:11:11.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- we were just hanging out\Nin the backyard having a barbeque -
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.17,0:11:15.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she refused to listen\Nto every single one of them,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.22,0:11:17.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who all said the same thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.12,0:11:21.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to open up\Nour heart to a self-assessment.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.97,0:11:23.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is going on with us?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.45,0:11:26.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are we doing to contribute\Nto these relationships?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.52,0:11:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are we afraid of?\NDo we think we are not worth it?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.90,0:11:32.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do we think we have to\Nsettle for this person?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.05,0:11:37.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to get healthier,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.65,0:11:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and on the path to being healthier\Nwe have to get to know ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.95,0:11:43.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't tell you how many people say -
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.24,0:11:46.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, they go out on a date and they go:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.48,0:11:48.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, I hope that they'll like me."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.89,0:11:53.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I say: "What?! I hope you like them!
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.62,0:11:55.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who cares if they like you?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.77,0:11:58.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to assess\Nthis person to figure out
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.63,0:12:04.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If our entire focus in dating\Nis "I hope that they like me,"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.83,0:12:00.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if they're a good fit for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.79,0:12:07.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no wonder we make bad decisions.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.33,0:12:09.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then you have the person\Nwho always says:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.44,0:12:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, let me just put it out there.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.50,0:12:14.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm just going to tell you\Neverything that I'm looking for.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.34,0:12:17.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want this kind of person who does this,\Nand who is interested in this."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.87,0:12:19.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, the unscrupulous person
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.91,0:12:22.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who just kind of wants to land you in bed
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.43,0:12:25.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is going to tell you all of that stuff\Nthat you've just told them.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.83,0:12:30.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, instead of putting everything\Nout there and letting them
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.64,0:12:34.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,become who you want, temporarily,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.60,0:12:36.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to get what they want,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.33,0:12:38.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you need to take a step back
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.26,0:12:41.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and figure out what are\Nthe most important things for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.74,0:12:43.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Think of three questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.59,0:12:47.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you really want to get married\Nand have kids, and you're 35,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.33,0:12:51.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well, that should be one\Nof the first questions you ask:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.77,0:12:53.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you interested in getting married?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.61,0:12:55.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not saying to me,\NI'm not saying tomorrow,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.91,0:12:57.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is this in your plan?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.57,0:12:59.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because there are\Nmany people out there who say:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.96,0:13:02.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"No way. I am good.\NIf I never get married, I'll be happy."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.79,0:13:05.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to be bolder.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.83,0:13:07.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to know what we want,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.55,0:13:11.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and be stubborn only about\Nthe really important stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.14,0:13:13.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a friend who said -
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.44,0:13:16.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she didn't want to date anybody
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.14,0:13:20.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who ever in their entire life\Ndid drugs, including pot,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.35,0:13:22.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said: "Well!
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.75,0:13:26.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most people have done drugs,\Nat least once in their life.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.53,0:13:29.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I don't know...\NIs that really important?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.69,0:13:33.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I could see if they're a pothead,\Nsmoking every week,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.35,0:13:36.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're not going to work\Nand, all that stuff, I get it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.90,0:13:41.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we have to really be wise\Nabout what we're looking for.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.05,0:13:44.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How about "Let's be stubborn\Nabout honesty?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.59,0:13:49.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's what we want to be stubborn about.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.05,0:13:46.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and "Is the person honest?";
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.59,0:13:53.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The foolish person\Nseeks happiness in the distance;
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.04,0:13:56.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the wise person seeks it under [his] feet.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.40,0:14:00.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to be happy with ourselves,\Nwe have to be happy with our presence,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.55,0:14:03.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and happiness will come to us more.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.32,0:14:05.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we're miserable now,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.67,0:14:09.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as we evaluate our lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.33,0:14:07.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,.then we'll just become\Nmore and more miserable
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.73,0:14:14.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number one rule
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.99,0:14:11.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's about our perspective.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.63,0:14:18.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- and a lot of people think\Nthis is crazy but I stand by it 100% -
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.83,0:14:22.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your friends and family\Nmust meet your prospect.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.52,0:14:24.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you feel uncomfortable and pressured,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.44,0:14:26.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and:"Oh, my gosh,\Nthey going to think I am crazy,"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.30,0:14:33.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can stage a fake, a setup\N(Strikes a pose) (Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.83,0:14:29.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe that's a problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.06,0:14:35.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like "Oh, we just happened\Nto go to this restaurant,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.75,0:14:37.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and oh, look, there is my best friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.80,0:14:40.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, why don't you join us for dinner?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.88,0:14:46.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because they will tell you\Nif that person is good for you or not,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.11,0:14:49.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the problem is\Nwe have to listen to them,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.04,0:14:56.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it has to happen early,\Nwithin three to five dates. Why?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.30,0:14:58.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because that's when we fall in love
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.86,0:15:00.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- within the first three or five dates -
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.92,0:15:02.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's when we're already hooked.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.74,0:15:07.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We might not say it, we may not admit it,\Nbut we know it's true;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.14,0:15:09.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's when we get hooked,\Nin those early days,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:09.71,0:15:13.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's when we become an addict\Nand our lives become unmanageable.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.48,0:15:15.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we have to back that up
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.24,0:15:18.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and just get our first impression\Nof somebody right from the beginning.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.54,0:15:22.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if they say, "Run," then run.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:24.09,0:15:24.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Run!
Dialogue: 0,0:15:28.09,0:15:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And don't pay attention\Nto the one person that says to you:
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.84,0:15:35.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, whatever makes you happy.\NI trust you make a good decision."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.10,0:15:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No, no, no. Don't listen to that person.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.70,0:15:41.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If three out of five of your friends\Nor two out of three say:
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.20,0:15:44.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, I don't know. I'm not feeling it.\NI'm not thinking they're right for you."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.93,0:15:46.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Run, run, even if you think:
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.61,0:15:49.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh, but they have so much potential,\Nand we have so much in common."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.91,0:15:51.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No, just run.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.09,0:15:53.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have to trust your community\Nbecause they are wiser,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.81,0:15:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are wiser than us\Nwhen we're in the midst of this.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.95,0:16:02.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get ongoing advice. Pick your mean friend.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.32,0:16:06.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your friend that's so honest, you're just\Nlike, "Oh, I don't want to ask her
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.49,0:16:08.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I know\Nshe is going to say something bad,"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.87,0:16:11.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the one you want to go to.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.59,0:16:15.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Talk to a professional,\Na consultant, a therapist, anyone,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.82,0:16:18.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just talk to someone else to get feedback.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.55,0:16:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pay attention to red flags every day,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:22.28,0:16:24.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and be brave enough to walk away early.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.76,0:16:27.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Be brave enough to walk away.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:29.23,0:16:31.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Real love is possible. It is.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.41,0:16:36.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The relationship that you're in\Nnow can be better, too.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:36.83,0:16:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't get discouraged, don't get upset.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.48,0:16:44.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Believe in your ability to analyze, trust\Nyourself, trust your gut, you can do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.68,0:16:47.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't be afraid to ask\Nthose questions. Don't be intimidated.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.81,0:16:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're intimidated to ask\Nthat really important question now,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.86,0:16:53.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what do you think\Nis going to happen in five years
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.28,0:16:54.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you've never asked it?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:54.75,0:16:56.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Be brave, you can do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.27,0:16:57.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Action conquers fear:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.54,0:17:00.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more we do it,\Nthe more comfortable we get with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.62,0:17:02.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My wife said on our first date,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.79,0:17:05.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she thought she was dating\Nan FBI interrogator
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.48,0:17:08.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I asked her so many questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.87,0:17:12.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But look what happened.\NWe got married. She passed my test.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.89,0:17:18.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Miracles can happen,\Nand you must believe love is possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:18.89,0:17:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is possible, if you follow\Nthese steps, if you get advice,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.68,0:17:25.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you listen to your friends and family;
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.03,0:17:28.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they love you, they really do,\Nthey only want what's best for you.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:28.43,0:17:30.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't lie to yourself and tell yourself:
Dialogue: 0,0:17:30.91,0:17:34.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, they're just jealous,"\Nor "They never had a good relationship."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:34.51,0:17:38.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Listen to them, \Nthey love you. It's possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.82,0:17:39.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.97,0:17:41.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)