A broken body isn't a broken person
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0:00 - 0:03Life is about opportunities,
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0:03 - 0:07creating them and embracing them, and for me,
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0:07 - 0:09that was the Olympic dream.
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0:09 - 0:12That's what defined me. That was my bliss.
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0:12 - 0:16As a cross-country skier and member of the Australian ski team,
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0:16 - 0:17headed towards the Winter Olympics,
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0:17 - 0:22I was on a training bike ride with my fellow teammates.
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0:22 - 0:24As we made our way up towards
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0:24 - 0:27the spectacular Blue Mountains west of Sydney,
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0:27 - 0:29it was the perfect autumn day:
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0:29 - 0:33sunshine, the smell of eucalypt and a dream.
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0:33 - 0:35Life was good.
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0:35 - 0:38We'd been on our bikes for around five and half hours
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0:38 - 0:40when we got to the part of the ride that I loved,
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0:40 - 0:43and that was the hills, because I loved the hills.
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0:43 - 0:46And I got up off the seat of my bike, and I started
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0:46 - 0:49pumping my legs, and as I sucked in the cold mountain air,
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0:49 - 0:51I could feel it burning my lungs, and I looked up
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0:51 - 0:55to see the sun shining in my face.
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0:55 - 0:58And then everything went black.
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0:58 - 1:01Where was I? What was happening?
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1:01 - 1:05My body was consumed by pain.
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1:05 - 1:08I'd been hit by a speeding utility truck
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1:08 - 1:11with only 10 minutes to go on the bike ride.
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1:11 - 1:13I was airlifted from the scene of the accident
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1:13 - 1:16by a rescue helicopter to a large spinal unit in Sydney.
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1:16 - 1:19I had extensive and life-threatening injuries.
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1:19 - 1:24I'd broken my neck and my back in six places.
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1:24 - 1:26I broke five ribs on my left side.
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1:26 - 1:29I broke my right arm. I broke my collarbone.
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1:29 - 1:31I broke some bones in my feet.
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1:31 - 1:34My whole right side was ripped open, filled with gravel.
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1:34 - 1:37My head was cut open across the front, lifted back,
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1:37 - 1:38exposing the skull underneath.
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1:38 - 1:41I had head injures. I had internal injuries.
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1:41 - 1:43I had massive blood loss. In fact, I lost about five liters
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1:43 - 1:46of blood, which is all someone my size would actually hold.
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1:46 - 1:49By the time the helicopter arrived at Prince Henry Hospital
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1:49 - 1:54in Sydney, my blood pressure was 40 over nothing.
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1:54 - 1:59I was having a really bad day. (Laughter)
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2:03 - 2:08For over 10 days, I drifted between two dimensions.
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2:08 - 2:11I had an awareness of being in my body, but also
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2:11 - 2:13being out of my body, somewhere else, watching
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2:13 - 2:15from above as if it was happening to someone else.
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2:15 - 2:19Why would I want to go back to a body that was so broken?
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2:19 - 2:25But this voice kept calling me: "Come on, stay with me."
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2:25 - 2:27"No. It's too hard."
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2:27 - 2:30"Come on. This is our opportunity."
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2:30 - 2:34"No. That body is broken. It can no longer serve me."
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2:34 - 2:40"Come on. Stay with me. We can do it. We can do it together."
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2:40 - 2:42I was at a crossroads.
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2:42 - 2:46I knew if I didn't return to my body, I'd have to leave this world forever.
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2:46 - 2:50It was the fight of my life.
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2:50 - 2:55After 10 days, I made the decision to return to my body,
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2:55 - 2:59and the internal bleeding stopped.
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2:59 - 3:02The next concern was whether I would walk again,
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3:02 - 3:05because I was paralyzed from the waist down.
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3:05 - 3:07They said to my parents, the neck break was a stable fracture,
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3:07 - 3:09but the back was completely crushed.
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3:09 - 3:13The vertebra at L1 was like you'd dropped a peanut,
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3:13 - 3:16stepped on it, smashed it into thousands of pieces.
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3:16 - 3:19They'd have to operate.
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3:19 - 3:22They went in. They put me on a beanbag. They cut me,
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3:22 - 3:24literally cut me in half, I have a scar
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3:24 - 3:27that wraps around my entire body.
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3:27 - 3:29They picked as much broken bone as they could
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3:29 - 3:31that had lodged in my spinal cord.
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3:31 - 3:35They took out two of my broken ribs, and they rebuilt my back,
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3:35 - 3:38L1, they rebuilt it, they took out another broken rib,
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3:38 - 3:41they fused T12, L1 and L2 together.
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3:41 - 3:44Then they stitched me up. They took an entire hour to stitch me up.
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3:44 - 3:47I woke up in intensive care, and the doctors were really excited
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3:47 - 3:50that the operation had been a success because at that stage
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3:50 - 3:53I had a little bit of movement in one of my big toes,
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3:53 - 3:57and I thought, "Great, because I'm going to the Olympics!"
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3:57 - 3:59(Laughter)
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3:59 - 4:01I had no idea. That's the sort of thing
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4:01 - 4:04that happens to someone else, not me, surely.
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4:04 - 4:06But then the doctor came over to me, and she said,
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4:06 - 4:10"Janine, the operation was a success, and we've picked
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4:10 - 4:13as much bone out of your spinal cord as we could,
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4:13 - 4:14but the damage is permanent.
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4:14 - 4:17The central nervous system nerves, there is no cure.
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4:17 - 4:20You're what we call a partial paraplegic, and you'll have
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4:20 - 4:23all of the injuries that go along with that.
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4:23 - 4:27You have no feeling from the waist down, and at most,
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4:27 - 4:30you might get 10- or 20-percent return.
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4:30 - 4:33You'll have internal injuries for the rest of your life.
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4:33 - 4:35You'll have to use a catheter for the rest of your life.
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4:35 - 4:41And if you walk again, it will be with calipers and a walking frame."
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4:41 - 4:42And then she said, "Janine,
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4:42 - 4:44you'll have to rethink everything you do in your life,
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4:44 - 4:49because you're never going to be able to do the things you did before."
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4:49 - 4:52I tried to grasp what she was saying.
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4:52 - 4:54I was an athlete. That's all I knew. That's all I'd done.
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4:54 - 4:58If I couldn't do that, then what could I do?
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4:58 - 5:01And the question I asked myself is, if I couldn't do that,
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5:01 - 5:03then who was I?
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5:08 - 5:11They moved me from intensive care to acute spinal.
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5:11 - 5:13I was lying on a thin, hard spinal bed.
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5:13 - 5:16I had no movement in my legs. I had tight stockings on
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5:16 - 5:18to protect from blood clots.
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5:18 - 5:21I had one arm in plaster, one arm tied down by drips.
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5:21 - 5:24I had a neck brace and sandbags on either side of my head
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5:24 - 5:26and I saw my world through a mirror
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5:26 - 5:29that was suspended above my head.
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5:29 - 5:33I shared the ward with five other people,
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5:33 - 5:35and the amazing thing is that because we were all lying
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5:35 - 5:40paralyzed in a spinal ward, we didn't know what each other looked like.
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5:40 - 5:43How amazing is that? How often in life
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5:43 - 5:48do you get to make friendships, judgment-free,
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5:48 - 5:50purely based on spirit?
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5:50 - 5:53And there were no superficial conversations
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5:53 - 5:56as we shared our innermost thoughts, our fears,
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5:56 - 6:01and our hopes for life after the spinal ward.
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6:01 - 6:04I remember one night, one of the nurses came in,
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6:04 - 6:08Jonathan, with a whole lot of plastic straws.
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6:08 - 6:11He put a pile on top of each of us, and he said,
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6:11 - 6:13"Start threading them together."
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6:13 - 6:17Well, there wasn't much else to do in the spinal ward, so we did.
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6:17 - 6:20And when we'd finished, he went around silently
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6:20 - 6:23and he joined all of the straws up
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6:23 - 6:26till it looped around the whole ward, and then he said,
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6:26 - 6:30"Okay, everybody, hold on to your straws."
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6:30 - 6:37And we did. And he said, "Right. Now we're all connected."
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6:37 - 6:43And as we held on, and we breathed as one,
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6:43 - 6:47we knew we weren't on this journey alone.
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6:47 - 6:52And even lying paralyzed in the spinal ward,
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6:52 - 6:55there were moments of incredible depth and richness,
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6:55 - 6:58of authenticity and connection
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6:58 - 7:02that I had never experienced before.
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7:02 - 7:07And each of us knew that when we left the spinal ward
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7:07 - 7:12we would never be the same.
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7:12 - 7:16After six months, it was time to go home.
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7:16 - 7:19I remember Dad pushing me outside in my wheelchair,
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7:19 - 7:22wrapped in a plaster body cast,
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7:22 - 7:25and feeling the sun on my face for the first time.
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7:25 - 7:27I soaked it up and I thought,
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7:27 - 7:31how could I ever have taken this for granted?
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7:31 - 7:35I felt so incredibly grateful for my life.
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7:35 - 7:37But before I left the hospital, the head nurse
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7:37 - 7:39had said to me, "Janine, I want you to be ready,
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7:39 - 7:42because when you get home, something's going to happen."
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7:42 - 7:44And I said, "What?" And she said,
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7:44 - 7:46"You're going to get depressed."
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7:46 - 7:49And I said, "Not me, not Janine the Machine,"
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7:49 - 7:51which was my nickname.
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7:51 - 7:54She said, "You are, because, see, it happens to everyone.
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7:54 - 7:57In the spinal ward, that's normal.
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7:57 - 7:58You're in a wheelchair. That's normal.
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7:58 - 8:00But you're going to get home and realize
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8:00 - 8:02how different life is."
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8:02 - 8:06And I got home and something happened.
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8:09 - 8:12I realized Sister Sam was right.
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8:12 - 8:15I did get depressed.
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8:15 - 8:18I was in my wheelchair. I had no feeling from the waist down,
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8:18 - 8:21attached to a catheter bottle. I couldn't walk.
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8:21 - 8:24I'd lost so much weight in the hospital
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8:24 - 8:27I now weighed about 80 pounds.
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8:27 - 8:30And I wanted to give up.
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8:30 - 8:33All I wanted to do was put my running shoes on and run out the door.
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8:33 - 8:37I wanted my old life back. I wanted my body back.
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8:37 - 8:39And I can remember Mom sitting on the end of my bed,
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8:39 - 8:43and saying, "I wonder if life will ever be good again."
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8:43 - 8:47And I thought, "How could it? Because I've lost everything
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8:47 - 8:52that I valued, everything that I'd worked towards.
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8:52 - 8:55Gone."
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8:55 - 9:00And the question I asked was, "Why me? Why me?"
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9:00 - 9:03And then I remembered my friends
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9:03 - 9:06that were still in the spinal ward,
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9:06 - 9:07particularly Maria.
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9:07 - 9:10Maria was in a car accident, and she woke up
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9:10 - 9:14on her 16th birthday to the news that she was a complete quadriplegic,
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9:14 - 9:17had no movement from the neck down,
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9:17 - 9:20had damage to her vocal chords, and she couldn't talk.
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9:20 - 9:23They told me, "We're going to move you next to her
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9:23 - 9:25because we think it will be good for her."
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9:25 - 9:28I was worried. I didn't know how I'd react
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9:28 - 9:30to being next to her.
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9:30 - 9:34I knew it would be challenging, but it was actually a blessing,
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9:34 - 9:39because Maria always smiled.
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9:39 - 9:44She was always happy, and even when she began to talk again,
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9:44 - 9:50albeit difficult to understand, she never complained, not once.
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9:50 - 9:56And I wondered how had she ever found that level of acceptance.
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9:56 - 10:00And I realized that this wasn't just my life.
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10:00 - 10:05It was life itself. I realized that this wasn't just my pain.
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10:05 - 10:10It was everybody's pain. And then I knew, just like before,
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10:10 - 10:14that I had a choice. I could keep fighting this
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10:14 - 10:19or I could let go and accept not only my body
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10:19 - 10:23but the circumstances of my life.
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10:23 - 10:26And then I stopped asking, "Why me?"
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10:26 - 10:29And I started to ask, "Why not me?"
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10:29 - 10:34And then I thought to myself, maybe being at rock bottom
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10:34 - 10:40is actually the perfect place to start.
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10:40 - 10:44I had never before thought of myself as a creative person.
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10:44 - 10:48I was an athlete. My body was a machine.
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10:48 - 10:53But now I was about to embark on the most creative project
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10:53 - 10:55that any of us could ever do:
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10:55 - 10:57that of rebuilding a life.
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10:57 - 11:00And even though I had absolutely no idea
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11:00 - 11:03what I was going to do, in that uncertainty
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11:03 - 11:05came a sense of freedom.
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11:05 - 11:08I was no longer tied to a set path.
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11:08 - 11:14I was free to explore life's infinite possibilities.
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11:14 - 11:20And that realization was about to change my life.
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11:20 - 11:25Sitting at home in my wheelchair and my plaster body cast,
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11:25 - 11:29an airplane flew overhead, and I looked up,
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11:29 - 11:32and I thought to myself, "That's it!
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11:32 - 11:36If I can't walk, then I might as well fly."
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11:36 - 11:39I said, "Mom, I'm going to learn how to fly."
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11:39 - 11:43She said, "That's nice, dear." (Laughter)
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11:43 - 11:45I said, "Pass me the yellow pages."
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11:45 - 11:47She passed me the phone book, I rang up the flying school,
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11:47 - 11:50I made a booking, said I'd like to make a booking to come out for a flight.
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11:50 - 11:53They said, "You know, when do you want to come out?"
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11:53 - 11:55I said, "Well, I have to get a friend to drive me out
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11:55 - 11:58because I can't drive. Sort of can't walk either.
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11:58 - 11:59Is that a problem?"
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11:59 - 12:01I made a booking, and weeks later my friend Chris
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12:01 - 12:03and my mom drove me out to the airport,
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12:03 - 12:06all 80 pounds of me covered in a plaster body cast
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12:06 - 12:09in a baggy pair of overalls. (Laughter)
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12:09 - 12:12I can tell you, I did not look like the ideal candidate
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12:12 - 12:14to get a pilot's license. (Laughter)
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12:14 - 12:17I'm holding on to the counter because I can't stand.
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12:17 - 12:19I said, "Hi, I'm here for a flying lesson."
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12:19 - 12:22And they took one look and ran out the back to draw short straws.
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12:22 - 12:26"You get her.""No, no, you take her."
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12:26 - 12:27Finally this guy comes out. He goes,
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12:27 - 12:29"Hi, I'm Andrew, and I'm going to take you flying."
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12:29 - 12:30I go, "Great." And so they drive me down,
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12:30 - 12:32they get me out on the tarmac,
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12:32 - 12:34and there was this red, white and blue airplane.
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12:34 - 12:37It was beautiful. They lifted me into the cockpit.
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12:37 - 12:39They had to slide me up on the wing, put me in the cockpit.
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12:39 - 12:42They sat me down. There are buttons and dials everywhere.
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12:42 - 12:45I'm going, "Wow, how do you ever know what all these buttons and dials do?"
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12:45 - 12:48Andrew the instructor got in the front, started the airplane up.
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12:48 - 12:50He said, "Would you like to have a go at taxiing?"
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12:50 - 12:52That's when you use your feet to control the rudder pedals
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12:52 - 12:54to control the airplane on the ground.
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12:54 - 12:56I said, "No, I can't use my legs."
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12:56 - 12:58He went, "Oh."
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12:58 - 13:00I said, "But I can use my hands," and he said, "Okay."
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13:00 - 13:04So he got over to the runway, and he applied the power.
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13:04 - 13:06And as we took off down the runway,
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13:06 - 13:10and the wheels lifted up off the tarmac, and we became airborne,
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13:10 - 13:15I had the most incredible sense of freedom.
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13:15 - 13:18And Andrew said to me,
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13:18 - 13:20as we got over the training area,
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13:20 - 13:23"You see that mountain over there?"
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13:23 - 13:24And I said, "Yeah."
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13:24 - 13:29And he said, "Well, you take the controls, and you fly towards that mountain."
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13:29 - 13:32And as I looked up, I realized
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13:32 - 13:35that he was pointing towards the Blue Mountains
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13:35 - 13:38where the journey had begun.
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13:38 - 13:42And I took the controls, and I was flying.
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13:42 - 13:45And I was a long, long way from that spinal ward,
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13:45 - 13:50and I knew right then that I was going to be a pilot.
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13:50 - 13:54Didn't know how on Earth I'd ever pass a medical.
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13:54 - 13:57But I'd worry about that later, because right now I had a dream.
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13:57 - 14:01So I went home, I got a training diary out, and I had a plan.
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14:01 - 14:04And I practiced my walking as much as I could,
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14:04 - 14:07and I went from the point of two people holding me up
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14:07 - 14:10to one person holding me up
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14:10 - 14:12to the point where I could walk around the furniture
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14:12 - 14:14as long as it wasn't too far apart.
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14:14 - 14:16And then I made great progression to the point
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14:16 - 14:19where I could walk around the house, holding onto the walls,
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14:19 - 14:22like this, and Mom said she was forever following me,
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14:22 - 14:26wiping off my fingerprints. (Laughter)
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14:26 - 14:31But at least she always knew where I was.
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14:31 - 14:33So while the doctors continued to operate
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14:33 - 14:35and put my body back together again,
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14:35 - 14:39I went on with my theory study, and then eventually,
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14:39 - 14:42and amazingly, I passed my pilot's medical,
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14:42 - 14:45and that was my green light to fly.
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14:45 - 14:47And I spent every moment I could out at that flying school,
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14:47 - 14:49way out of my comfort zone,
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14:49 - 14:51all these young guys that wanted to be Qantas pilots,
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14:51 - 14:55you know, and little old hop-along me in first my plaster cast,
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14:55 - 14:57and then my steel brace, my baggy overalls,
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14:57 - 15:01my bag of medication and catheters and my limp,
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15:01 - 15:02and they used to look at me and think,
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15:02 - 15:06"Oh, who is she kidding? She's never going to be able to do this."
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15:06 - 15:08And sometimes I thought that too.
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15:08 - 15:12But that didn't matter, because now there was something inside that burned
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15:12 - 15:16that far outweighed my injuries.
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15:16 - 15:18And little goals kept me going along the way,
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15:18 - 15:22and eventually I got my private pilot's license,
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15:22 - 15:27and then I learned to navigate, and I flew my friends around Australia.
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15:27 - 15:30And then I learned to fly an airplane with two engines
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15:30 - 15:33and I got my twin engine rating.
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15:33 - 15:36And then I learned to fly in bad weather as well as fine weather
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15:36 - 15:38and got my instrument rating.
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15:38 - 15:41And then I got my commercial pilot's license.
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15:41 - 15:44And then I got my instructor rating.
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15:44 - 15:47And then I found myself back at that same school
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15:47 - 15:49where I'd gone for that very first flight,
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15:49 - 15:53teaching other people how to fly,
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15:53 - 15:57just under 18 months after I'd left the spinal ward.
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15:57 - 16:08(Applause)
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16:08 - 16:10And then I thought, "Why stop there?
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16:10 - 16:14Why not learn to fly upside down?"
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16:14 - 16:16And I did, and I learned to fly upside down
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16:16 - 16:20and became an aerobatics flying instructor.
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16:20 - 16:27And Mom and Dad? Never been up.
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16:27 - 16:32But then I knew for certain that although my body might be limited,
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16:32 - 16:37it was my spirit that was unstoppable.
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16:37 - 16:41The philosopher Lao Tzu once said,
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16:41 - 16:44"When you let go of what you are,
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16:44 - 16:47you become what you might be."
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16:47 - 16:52I now know that it wasn't until I let go of who I thought I was
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16:52 - 16:56that I was able to create a completely new life.
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16:56 - 17:01It wasn't until I let go of the life I thought I should have
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17:01 - 17:06that I was able to embrace the life that was waiting for me.
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17:06 - 17:09I now know that my real strength
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17:09 - 17:12never came from my body,
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17:12 - 17:17and although my physical capabilities have changed dramatically,
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17:17 - 17:21who I am is unchanged.
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17:21 - 17:25The pilot light inside of me was still a light,
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17:25 - 17:30just as it is in each and every one of us.
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17:30 - 17:33I know that I'm not my body,
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17:33 - 17:37and I also know that you're not yours.
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17:37 - 17:41And then it no longer matters what you look like,
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17:41 - 17:45where you come from, or what you do for a living.
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17:45 - 17:51All that matters is that we continue to fan the flame of humanity
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17:51 - 17:55by living our lives as the ultimate creative expression
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17:55 - 17:59of who we really are,
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17:59 - 18:01because we are all connected
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18:01 - 18:05by millions and millions of straws,
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18:05 - 18:08and it's time to join those up
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18:08 - 18:10and to hang on.
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18:10 - 18:15And if we are to move towards our collective bliss,
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18:15 - 18:17it's time we shed our focus on the physical
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18:17 - 18:21and instead embrace the virtues of the heart.
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18:21 - 18:25So raise your straws if you'll join me.
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18:25 - 18:31Thank you. (Applause)
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18:31 - 18:36Thank you.
- Title:
- A broken body isn't a broken person
- Speaker:
- Janine Shepherd
- Description:
-
Cross-country skier Janine Shepherd hoped for an Olympic medal -- until she was hit by a truck during a training bike ride. She shares a powerful story about the human potential for recovery. Her message: you are not your body, and giving up old dreams can allow new ones to soar.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 18:57
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Thu-Huong Ha approved English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for A broken body isn't a broken person |
Krystian Aparta
The English transcript was updated on 4/26/2017.