Arriving already loved | Mariah Fenton Gladis | TEDxAsburyPark

When Mariah was diagnosed with ALS, she knew that if she assumed the identity of a dead woman walking, she would in effect be participating in her own downward cycle. She focused on doing what she had to do about ALS – on every level – while still keeping it in the background of her life and reserved the foreground for what matters most: her family, work and the people with whom she works. She keeps her life’s purpose in the lead and identifies as a wife, a mother, a new grandmother, a professional woman. Her talk is about gaining a new understanding of the importance of the relationship with oneself, and the skills it takes to improve and develop that internal connection.

Mariah is a 36-year ALS survivor, advocate, motivational speaker, award-winning psychotherapist and the founder/director of the Pennsylvania Gestalt Center for Psychotherapy and Training in Malvern, PA. She focuses on inspiring others to create positive relationships for personal and professional excellence. Mariah is also the author of "Tales of a Wounded Healer," an intimate description of her life and work.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Mariah Fenton Gladis (Unclear)

Ron Gladis: I give a new
meaning to the term:

MFG (Unclear)

RG: "High-maintenance woman."

(Laughter)

When I was two and a half,

my mother threw my father
out of the house.

I never saw or heard from him again.

She told me that he didn't want
to remember that he had a daughter,

alone, overweight and holding secrets.

My emotional damage was undeniable.

That's forward 18 years.

My mother received word
that my father had died,

and someone needed to claim his body.

Without thinking I said, "I'm going."

So I went to New York,

found the bar across the street
from his apartment,

and someone who could identify him.

Later that day,

I asked his landlord

if I could see his apartment.

We climbed up three flights
of creaky stairs

to his door.

I was scared,

feeling disoriented,

as I stepped into the home

of the man I've been missing

all of my life.

In his bedroom,

as I opened the first drawer,

I saw a wedding ring,

my highschool graduation picture,

and a white envelope

marked Mariah's first haircut.

Inside was a lock of my red hair.

I was stunned.

I felt a seismic shift in my identity,

years of hearing my inner voice saying,

"You're not good enough,

pretty enough,

thin enough.

No man will ever love you."

I realized

that to my father

I was a treasured lost child.

I was changed forever.

Now as a psychotherapist for 40 years,

I know

that when we walk around
feeling unlovable or unworthy,

it darkens our entire life.

This lack of internal self-support

and self-love

brings profound aloneness,

shame,

and hopelessness.

We need to create an inner life,

a home,

where we can always turn

for support and unconditional acceptance.

I call this: "Arriving already loved,

by you".

So if you fall,

you'll be the first one there

to pick yourself up.

In 1981,

I felt

big time.

I was diagnosed with ALS,

and given a ten percent chance

to live two years.

Later that day,

this man

(Laughter)

Ron,

my hero,

asked me to marry him.

(Applause)

A death sentence,

and a marriage proposal

(Laughter)

on the same day!

(Laughter)

Wow!

I knew that to give myself
the best chance of survival,

I needed to be free of self-criticism,

blame and guilt.

I need a close compassionate connection

with every cell in my body,

every step of the way.

And I needed to talk to myself,

like I would to a treasured child:

"Mariah, I love you,

and I will be with you through this,

everyday,

until you draw your last breath."

This healthy inner conversation

has huge transformational power

for each of us.

Thirty-six years ago,

if I had accepted

the identity of a dead woman walking,

I know I would not be here today.

I've made it my daily practice

to arrive here, there and everywhere,

already loved.

Let me leave you with this thought:

if you and I

were to lock arms

and walk and roll

through one day of your life,

and you whispered in my ear

every thought you had,

would I have a good day?

(Laughter)

Thank you.

(Applause)