Republican Bruce Springsteen

Geh-doosh.

(dramatic music)

Gentlemen.

This election on November 4th
is going to be very tight.

Now hopefully,
with a little voter obstruction,

and scaring the crap out of people

or things like Ebola, and immigrants,

we're going to be able
to take back the Senate.

But there's one thing
I'm very worried about.

Gayness, becoming airborne...

Aw fuck. Now I'm worried about two things.

What I was going to say
was that I'm worried

about Bruce Springsteen.

Bruce Springsteen?

Yeah Glen, Bruce fucking Springsteen!

You ever heard of him?

Yeah...

Take a look.

(computer beeping)
- By all standards, this Bruce Springsteen

is one of the most popular men in America.

So what? He's just a singer!

Remember when we destroyed
that Dixie Chick Bitch?

Yeah Bob, I remember that,

but you can't do that with Bruce.

He's an icon.

And he's not a woman... as far as we know.

Now what if people look at Bruce
and they say "Hey,

there's the most popular man in America,

he doesn't like republicans,
what am I doing?"

That could cost us the election.

- Oh god no!
- No, no, no, no, no.

Now I've been working on something.

The Conservative answer
to Bruce Springsteen.

Had to change his name a little
so he doesn't sound so Jewish,

had to clean up his wardrobe

so he doesn't look like
a scary homeless guy,

but gentlemen and gentlemen,
I think you're going to like this.

The "Conservative" Bruce Springsteen...

Brad Springford.

(dramatic piano music)

♫ I got a 2015 six series sedan ♫

♫ with ergonomically moulded seats ♫

♫ She's waiting for me
in the 6-car garage ♫

♫ of a house with 7,000 square feet ♫

♫ My business manager Sunny ♫

♫ leased her for 900 flat ♫

♫ Sunny always Jews 'em down real good ♫

♫ We just run for the money, ♫

♫ barely pay taxes ♫

♫ and shut up liberals and gays
like we should ♫

♫ I met my wife on a business trip ♫

♫ to Houston just three years back ♫

♫ Looked like Elisabeth Hasselbeck ♫

♫ or Michelle Bauchmann ♫

♫ if Bauchmann lost 10 pounds
in her ass ♫

♫ Tonight, tonight,
Paul Ryan's abs are tight ♫

♫ Ayn Rand's great,
global warming's a joke ♫

♫ Cause November is here
and the time is right ♫

♫ to make it really hard
for people to vote ♫

♫ Hmmmmmm.... ♫

♫ Oo OoOo Ohhh... ♫

What a patriot!

You're damn right he's a patriot,

And it's my pleasure to introduce to you

Mr. Brad Springford!

(clapping)
Good to see you guys, how are you?

Guys, Brad here is going to be
campaigning for us this fall

all over the country.

-Just one quick question...
-What's that, Brad?

- How much am I going to get paid?
- As per the law mandates,

we're prepared
to offer you 7.25 an hour.

But if things go well this November,

- We're prepared to offer you even less.
- 7.25 an hour?

- That's right Brad.
- I mean, with all due respect,

You can go fuck yourself.

(record scratch)
- That ain't shit, guys.

Shitballs. You know,
this keeps happening.

Maybe it's time we did pay more.

The hell with that!

We should be focusing on
how to make the ballot

more confusing in Democratic counties.

Great idea!
I got something guys.

What if you have to wear 3D goggles

in order to see the ballot?

- Yeah! 3D goggles! Wow!
-That's just off the top of my head.

(cheering)
(triumphant music)

Okay guys, shirts off!
Let's hit the hot tub!

(cheering)
(triumphant music)

(whoosh)
(police siren)