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Geh-doosh.
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(dramatic music)
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Gentlemen.
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This election on November 4th
is going to be very tight.
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Now hopefully,
with a little voter obstruction,
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and scaring the crap out of people
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or things like Ebola, and immigrants,
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we're going to be able
to take back the Senate.
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But there's one thing
I'm very worried about.
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Gayness, becoming airborne...
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Aw fuck. Now I'm worried about two things.
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What I was going to say
was that I'm worried
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about Bruce Springsteen.
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Bruce Springsteen?
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Yeah Glen, Bruce fucking Springsteen!
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You ever heard of him?
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Yeah...
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Take a look.
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(computer beeping)
- By all standards, this Bruce Springsteen
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is one of the most popular men in America.
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So what? He's just a singer!
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Remember when we destroyed
that Dixie Chick Bitch?
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Yeah Bob, I remember that,
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but you can't do that with Bruce.
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He's an icon.
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And he's not a woman... as far as we know.
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Now what if people look at Bruce
and they say "Hey,
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there's the most popular man in America,
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he doesn't like republicans,
what am I doing?"
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That could cost us the election.
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- Oh god no!
- No, no, no, no, no.
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Now I've been working on something.
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The Conservative answer
to Bruce Springsteen.
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Had to change his name a little
so he doesn't sound so Jewish,
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had to clean up his wardrobe
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so he doesn't look like
a scary homeless guy,
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but gentlemen and gentlemen,
I think you're going to like this.
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The "Conservative" Bruce Springsteen...
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Brad Springford.
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(dramatic piano music)
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♫ I got a 2015 six series sedan ♫
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♫ with ergonomically moulded seats ♫
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♫ She's waiting for me
in the 6-car garage ♫
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♫ of a house with 7,000 square feet ♫
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♫ My business manager Sunny ♫
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♫ leased her for 900 flat ♫
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♫ Sunny always Jews 'em down real good ♫
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♫ We just run for the money, ♫
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♫ barely pay taxes ♫
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♫ and shut up liberals and gays
like we should ♫
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♫ I met my wife on a business trip ♫
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♫ to Houston just three years back ♫
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♫ Looked like Elisabeth Hasselbeck ♫
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♫ or Michelle Bauchmann ♫
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♫ if Bauchmann lost 10 pounds
in her ass ♫
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♫ Tonight, tonight,
Paul Ryan's abs are tight ♫
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♫ Ayn Rand's great,
global warming's a joke ♫
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♫ Cause November is here
and the time is right ♫
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♫ to make it really hard
for people to vote ♫
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♫ Hmmmmmm.... ♫
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♫ Oo OoOo Ohhh... ♫
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What a patriot!
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You're damn right he's a patriot,
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And it's my pleasure to introduce to you
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Mr. Brad Springford!
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(clapping)
Good to see you guys, how are you?
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Guys, Brad here is going to be
campaigning for us this fall
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all over the country.
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-Just one quick question...
-What's that, Brad?
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- How much am I going to get paid?
- As per the law mandates,
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we're prepared
to offer you 7.25 an hour.
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But if things go well this November,
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- We're prepared to offer you even less.
- 7.25 an hour?
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- That's right Brad.
- I mean, with all due respect,
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You can go fuck yourself.
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(record scratch)
- That ain't shit, guys.
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Shitballs. You know,
this keeps happening.
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Maybe it's time we did pay more.
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The hell with that!
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We should be focusing on
how to make the ballot
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more confusing in Democratic counties.
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Great idea!
I got something guys.
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What if you have to wear 3D goggles
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in order to see the ballot?
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- Yeah! 3D goggles! Wow!
-That's just off the top of my head.
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(cheering)
(triumphant music)
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Okay guys, shirts off!
Let's hit the hot tub!
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(cheering)
(triumphant music)
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(whoosh)
(police siren)