Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me
-
0:01 - 0:05I just met you on a bus,
-
0:05 - 0:07and we would really like
to get to know each other, -
0:07 - 0:10but I've got to get off at the next stop,
-
0:10 - 0:14so you're going to tell me
three things about yourself -
0:14 - 0:18that just define you as a person,
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0:18 - 0:20three things about yourself
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0:20 - 0:23that will help me understand who you are,
-
0:23 - 0:27three things that just
get to your very essence. -
0:27 - 0:30And what I'm wondering
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0:30 - 0:34is, of those three things,
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0:34 - 0:36is any one of them
-
0:36 - 0:41surviving some kind of trauma?
-
0:41 - 0:46Cancer survivor, rape survivor,
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0:46 - 0:51Holocaust survivor, incest survivor.
-
0:51 - 0:55Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves
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0:55 - 0:57by our wounds?
-
0:57 - 1:02And where I have seen this survivor identity
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1:02 - 1:04have the most consequences
-
1:04 - 1:07is in the cancer community.
-
1:07 - 1:10And I've been around this
community for a long time, -
1:10 - 1:13because I've been a hospice
and a hospital chaplain -
1:13 - 1:16for almost 30 years.
-
1:16 - 1:22And in 2005, I was working at a big cancer center
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1:22 - 1:24when I received the news that
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1:24 - 1:28my mother had breast cancer.
-
1:28 - 1:30And then five days later,
-
1:30 - 1:35I received the news that I had breast cancer.
-
1:35 - 1:38My mother and I can be competitive —
-
1:38 - 1:40(Laughter) —
-
1:40 - 1:44but I was really not trying to
compete with her on this one. -
1:44 - 1:46And in fact, I thought, well,
-
1:46 - 1:48if you have to have cancer,
-
1:48 - 1:50it's pretty convenient to be working
-
1:50 - 1:51at a place that treats it.
-
1:51 - 1:54But this is what I heard from
a lot of outraged people. -
1:54 - 1:56What?
-
1:56 - 1:57You're the chaplain.
-
1:57 - 2:00You should be immune.
-
2:00 - 2:02Like, maybe I should have just gotten off
-
2:02 - 2:04with a warning instead of an actual ticket,
-
2:04 - 2:08because I'm on the force.
-
2:08 - 2:11So I did get my treatment at the
cancer center where I worked, -
2:11 - 2:13which was amazingly convenient,
-
2:13 - 2:16and I had chemotherapy
-
2:16 - 2:18and a mastectomy, and a saline implant put in,
-
2:18 - 2:20and so before I say another word,
let me just say right now, -
2:20 - 2:25this is the fake one. (Laughter)
-
2:25 - 2:28I have found that I need to get that out of the way,
-
2:28 - 2:30because I'll see somebody go
-
2:30 - 2:32"Oh, I know it's this one."
-
2:32 - 2:35And then I'll move or I'll
gesture and they'll go, -
2:35 - 2:37"No, it's that one."
-
2:37 - 2:40So now you know.
-
2:40 - 2:42I learned a lot being a patient,
-
2:42 - 2:43and one of the surprising things was
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2:43 - 2:47that only a small part of the cancer experience
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2:47 - 2:49is about medicine.
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2:49 - 2:54Most of it is about feelings and faith
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2:54 - 2:56and losing and finding your identity
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2:56 - 2:58and discovering strength
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2:58 - 3:02and flexibility you never even knew you had.
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3:02 - 3:04It's about realizing that
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3:04 - 3:07the most important things in life are
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3:07 - 3:10not things at all, but relationships,
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3:10 - 3:15and it's about laughing in the face of uncertainty
-
3:15 - 3:18and learning that the way to
get out of almost anything -
3:18 - 3:22is to say, "I have cancer."
-
3:22 - 3:25So the other thing I learned was that
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3:25 - 3:28I don't have to take on "cancer survivor"
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3:28 - 3:30as my identity,
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3:30 - 3:34but, boy, are there powerful forces
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3:34 - 3:37pushing me to do just that.
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3:37 - 3:42Now, don't, please, misunderstand me.
-
3:42 - 3:44Cancer organizations
-
3:44 - 3:46and the drive for early screening
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3:46 - 3:48and cancer awareness and cancer research
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3:48 - 3:50have normalized cancer,
-
3:50 - 3:52and this is a wonderful thing.
-
3:52 - 3:54We can now talk about cancer
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3:54 - 3:56without whispering.
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3:56 - 4:00We can talk about cancer and
we can support one another. -
4:00 - 4:03But sometimes, it feels
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4:03 - 4:05like people go a little overboard
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4:05 - 4:10and they start telling us how we're going to feel.
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4:10 - 4:13So about a week after my surgery,
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4:13 - 4:16we had a houseguest.
-
4:16 - 4:19That was probably our first mistake.
-
4:19 - 4:20And keep in mind that
-
4:20 - 4:22at this point in my life
-
4:22 - 4:26I had been a chaplain for over 20 years,
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4:26 - 4:28and issues like dying and death
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4:28 - 4:30and the meaning of life,
-
4:30 - 4:33these are all things I'd been
yakking about forever. -
4:33 - 4:35So at dinner that night,
-
4:35 - 4:38our houseguest proceeds to
stretch his arms up over his head, -
4:38 - 4:41and say, "You know, Deb,
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4:41 - 4:45now you're really going to learn what's important.
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4:45 - 4:48Yes, you are going to make some big changes
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4:48 - 4:49in your life,
-
4:49 - 4:53and now you're going to start
thinking about your death. -
4:53 - 4:57Yep, this cancer is your wakeup call."
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4:59 - 5:01Now, these are golden words
-
5:01 - 5:03coming from someone who is speaking about
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5:03 - 5:06their own experience,
-
5:06 - 5:08but when someone is telling you
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5:08 - 5:10how you are going to feel,
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5:10 - 5:12it's instant crap.
-
5:12 - 5:15The only reason I did not kill him
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5:15 - 5:17with my bare hands
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5:17 - 5:21was because I could not lift my right arm.
-
5:21 - 5:26But I did say a really bad word to him,
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5:26 - 5:28followed by a regular word, that —
-
5:28 - 5:30(Laughter) —
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5:30 - 5:33made my husband say, "She's on narcotics."
-
5:33 - 5:35(Laughter)
-
5:35 - 5:38And then after my treatment, it just felt like
-
5:38 - 5:41everyone was telling me what my
experience was going to mean. -
5:41 - 5:44"Oh, this means you're going to be doing the walk."
-
5:44 - 5:45"Oh, this means you're coming to the luncheon."
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5:45 - 5:47"This means you're going to be wearing
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5:47 - 5:49the pink ribbon and the pink t-shirt
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5:49 - 5:51and the headband and the earrings
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5:51 - 5:55and the bracelet and the panties."
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5:55 - 5:58Panties. No, seriously, google it.
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5:58 - 6:00(Laughter)
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6:00 - 6:02How is that raising awareness?
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6:02 - 6:04Only my husband should be seeing my panties.
-
6:04 - 6:06(Laughter)
-
6:06 - 6:10He's pretty aware of cancer already.
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6:10 - 6:13It was at that point where I felt like, oh my God,
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6:13 - 6:16this is just taking over my life.
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6:16 - 6:21And that's when I told myself,
claim your experience. -
6:21 - 6:25Don't let it claim you.
-
6:25 - 6:27We all know that
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6:27 - 6:31the way to cope with trauma, with loss,
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6:31 - 6:34with any life-changing experience,
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6:34 - 6:36is to find meaning.
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6:36 - 6:38But here's the thing:
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6:38 - 6:40No one can tell us
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6:40 - 6:43what our experience means.
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6:43 - 6:46We have to decide what it means.
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6:46 - 6:48And it doesn't have to be some gigantic,
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6:48 - 6:50extroverted meaning.
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6:50 - 6:52We don't all have to start a foundation
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6:52 - 6:55or an organization or write a book
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6:55 - 6:58or make a documentary.
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6:58 - 7:00Meaning can be quiet
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7:00 - 7:03and introverted.
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7:03 - 7:09Maybe we make one small decision about our lives
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7:09 - 7:14that can bring about big change.
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7:14 - 7:16Many years ago, I had a patient,
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7:16 - 7:18just a wonderful young man
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7:18 - 7:20who was loved by the staff,
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7:20 - 7:23and so it was something of a shock to us to realize
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7:23 - 7:27that he had no friends.
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7:27 - 7:29He lived by himself,
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7:29 - 7:33he would come in for chemotherapy by himself,
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7:33 - 7:35he would receive his treatment,
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7:35 - 7:39and then he'd walk home alone.
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7:39 - 7:41And I even asked him. I said, "Hey,
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7:41 - 7:43how come you never bring a friend with you?"
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7:43 - 7:48And he said, "I don't really have any friends."
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7:48 - 7:50But he had tons of friends on the infusion floor.
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7:50 - 7:55We all loved him, and people were going
in and out of his room all the time. -
7:55 - 7:58So at his last chemo,
-
7:58 - 7:59we sang him the song
-
7:59 - 8:02and we put the crown on his
head and we blew the bubbles, -
8:02 - 8:04and then I asked him, I said,
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8:04 - 8:09"So what are you going to do now?"
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8:09 - 8:11And he answered,
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8:11 - 8:12"Make friends."
-
8:12 - 8:14And he did.
-
8:14 - 8:18He started volunteering
and he made friends there, -
8:18 - 8:21and he began going to a church
and he made friends there, -
8:21 - 8:24and at Christmas he invited my husband
and me to a party in his apartment, -
8:24 - 8:29and the place was filled with his friends.
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8:29 - 8:31Claim your experience.
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8:31 - 8:33Don't let it claim you.
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8:33 - 8:37He decided that the meaning of his experience
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8:37 - 8:41was to know the joy of friendship,
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8:41 - 8:46and then learn to make friends.
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8:46 - 8:50So what about you?
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8:50 - 8:52How are you going to find meaning
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8:52 - 8:55in your crappy experience?
-
8:55 - 8:56It could be a recent one,
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8:56 - 8:58or it could be one that you've been carrying around
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8:58 - 9:02for a really long time.
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9:02 - 9:07It's never too late to change what it means,
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9:07 - 9:09because meaning is dynamic.
-
9:09 - 9:11What it means today
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9:11 - 9:13may not be what it means a year from now,
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9:13 - 9:16or 10 years from now.
-
9:16 - 9:18It's never too late to become someone other
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9:18 - 9:22than simply a survivor.
-
9:22 - 9:25Hear how static that word sounds?
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9:25 - 9:27Survivor.
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9:27 - 9:31No movement, no growth.
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9:31 - 9:33Claim your experience.
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9:33 - 9:36Don't let it claim you, because if you do,
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9:36 - 9:39I believe you will become trapped,
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9:39 - 9:45you will not grow, you will not evolve.
-
9:45 - 9:48But of course, sometimes it's not outside pressures
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9:48 - 9:53that cause us to take on that identity of survivor.
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9:53 - 9:57Sometimes we just like the perks.
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9:57 - 10:00Sometimes there's a payoff.
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10:00 - 10:04But then we get stuck.
-
10:04 - 10:06Now, one of the first things I learned
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10:06 - 10:10as a chaplain intern was the three C's
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10:10 - 10:12of the chaplain's job:
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10:12 - 10:19Comfort, clarify and, when necessary, confront
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10:19 - 10:21or challenge.
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10:21 - 10:23Now, we all pretty much love the comforting
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10:23 - 10:25and the clarifying.
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10:25 - 10:30The confronting, not so much.
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10:30 - 10:32One of the other things that I loved
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10:32 - 10:35about being a chaplain was
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10:35 - 10:39seeing patients a year, or even several years
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10:39 - 10:41after their treatment, because
-
10:41 - 10:44it was just really cool to see
how they had changed -
10:44 - 10:46and how their lives had evolved
-
10:46 - 10:48and what had happened to them.
-
10:48 - 10:50So I was thrilled one day
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10:50 - 10:53to get a page down into the lobby of the clinic
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10:53 - 10:56from a patient who I had seen the year before,
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10:56 - 10:59and she was there with her two adult daughters,
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10:59 - 11:03who I also knew, for her one year follow-up exam.
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11:03 - 11:06So I got down to the lobby, and they were ecstatic
-
11:06 - 11:09because she had just gotten
all of her test results back -
11:09 - 11:15and she was NED: No Evidence of Disease.
-
11:15 - 11:20Which I used to think meant Not Entirely Dead.
-
11:20 - 11:25So they were ecstatic, we sat down to visit,
-
11:25 - 11:28and it was so weird, because
-
11:28 - 11:32within two minutes, she
started retelling me the story -
11:32 - 11:36of her diagnosis and her
surgery and her chemo, -
11:36 - 11:40even though, as her chaplain,
I saw her every week, -
11:40 - 11:43and so I knew this story.
-
11:43 - 11:46And she was using words like suffering,
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11:46 - 11:50agony, struggle.
-
11:50 - 11:52And she ended her story with,
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11:52 - 11:57"I felt crucified."
-
11:57 - 12:00And at that point, her two
daughters got up and said, -
12:00 - 12:04"We're going to go get coffee."
-
12:04 - 12:07And they left.
-
12:07 - 12:10Tell me three things about
yourself before the next stop. -
12:10 - 12:12People were leaving the bus before she even got
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12:12 - 12:18to number two or number three.
-
12:18 - 12:21So I handed her a tissue,
-
12:21 - 12:25and I gave her a hug,
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12:25 - 12:28and then, because I really cared for this woman,
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12:28 - 12:30I said,
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12:30 - 12:33"Get down off your cross."
-
12:33 - 12:37And she said, "What?"
-
12:37 - 12:42And I repeated, "Get down off your cross."
-
12:42 - 12:47And to her credit, she could
talk about her reasons -
12:47 - 12:52for embracing and then clinging to this identity.
-
12:52 - 12:54It got her a lot of attention.
-
12:54 - 12:57People were taking care of her for a change.
-
12:57 - 13:01But now, it was having the opposite effect.
-
13:01 - 13:03It was pushing people away.
-
13:03 - 13:07People kept leaving to get coffee.
-
13:07 - 13:11She felt crucified by her experience,
-
13:11 - 13:17but she didn't want to let that crucified self die.
-
13:17 - 13:20Now, perhaps you are thinking
-
13:20 - 13:23I was a little harsh with her,
-
13:23 - 13:25so I must tell you that
-
13:25 - 13:29I was speaking out of my own experience.
-
13:29 - 13:32Many, many years before,
-
13:32 - 13:35I had been fired from a job that I loved,
-
13:35 - 13:39and I would not stop talking about my innocence
-
13:39 - 13:42and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,
-
13:42 - 13:43until finally, just like this woman,
-
13:43 - 13:45people were walking away from me,
-
13:45 - 13:49until I finally realized
-
13:49 - 13:52I wasn't just processing my feelings,
-
13:52 - 13:55I was feeding them.
-
13:55 - 13:59I didn't want to let that crucified self die.
-
13:59 - 14:05But we all know that with any resurrection story,
-
14:05 - 14:07you have to die first.
-
14:07 - 14:09The Christian story,
-
14:09 - 14:12Jesus was dead a whole day in the tomb
-
14:12 - 14:15before he was resurrected.
-
14:15 - 14:17And I believe that for us,
-
14:17 - 14:19being in the tomb
-
14:19 - 14:23means doing our own deep inner work
-
14:23 - 14:25around our wounds
-
14:25 - 14:30and allowing ourselves to be healed.
-
14:30 - 14:33We have to let that crucified self die
-
14:33 - 14:37so that a new self, a truer self,
-
14:37 - 14:39is born.
-
14:39 - 14:42We have to let that old story go
-
14:42 - 14:46so that a new story, a truer story,
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14:46 - 14:49can be told.
-
14:49 - 14:55Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you.
-
14:55 - 14:57What if there were no survivors,
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14:57 - 15:00meaning, what if people decided
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15:00 - 15:03to just claim their trauma as an experience
-
15:03 - 15:07instead of taking it on as an identity?
-
15:07 - 15:09Maybe it would be the end of being
-
15:09 - 15:11trapped in our wounds
-
15:11 - 15:15and the beginning of amazing
-
15:15 - 15:19self-exploration and discovery and growth.
-
15:19 - 15:24Maybe it would be the start of defining ourselves
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15:24 - 15:26by who we have become
-
15:26 - 15:30and who we are becoming.
-
15:30 - 15:36So perhaps survivor was not
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15:36 - 15:41one of the three things that you would tell me.
-
15:41 - 15:43No matter.
-
15:43 - 15:45I just want you all to know that
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15:45 - 15:49I am really glad that we are on this bus together,
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15:49 - 15:53and this is my stop.
-
15:53 - 15:57(Applause)
- Title:
- Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me
- Speaker:
- Debra Jarvis
- Description:
-
Debra Jarvis had worked as a hospital chaplain for nearly 30 years when she was diagnosed with cancer. And she learned quite a bit as a patient. In a witty, daring talk, she explains how the identity of “cancer survivor” can feel static. She asks us all to claim our hardest experiences, while giving ourselves room to grow and evolve.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 16:09
Adrian Dobroiu commented on English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Morton Bast approved English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Madeleine Aronson accepted English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me | ||
Madeleine Aronson edited English subtitles for Yes, I survived cancer. But that doesn't define me |
Adrian Dobroiu
13:39 and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,
deceit