1
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I just met you on a bus,

2
00:00:04,637 --> 00:00:07,078
and we would really like 
to get to know each other,

3
00:00:07,078 --> 00:00:09,564
but I've got to get off at the next stop,

4
00:00:09,564 --> 00:00:14,331
so you're going to tell me 
three things about yourself

5
00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,911
that just define you as a person,

6
00:00:17,911 --> 00:00:19,689
three things about yourself

7
00:00:19,689 --> 00:00:23,298
that will help me understand who you are,

8
00:00:23,298 --> 00:00:27,292
three things that just 
get to your very essence.

9
00:00:27,292 --> 00:00:30,370
And what I'm wondering

10
00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:33,659
is, of those three things,

11
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,649
is any one of them

12
00:00:35,649 --> 00:00:40,673
surviving some kind of trauma?

13
00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:46,370
Cancer survivor, rape survivor,

14
00:00:46,370 --> 00:00:51,487
Holocaust survivor, incest survivor.

15
00:00:51,487 --> 00:00:54,931
Ever notice how we tend to identify ourselves

16
00:00:54,931 --> 00:00:57,462
by our wounds?

17
00:00:57,462 --> 00:01:01,938
And where I have seen this survivor identity

18
00:01:01,938 --> 00:01:04,426
have the most consequences

19
00:01:04,426 --> 00:01:06,979
is in the cancer community.

20
00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:09,713
And I've been around this 
community for a long time,

21
00:01:09,713 --> 00:01:12,907
because I've been a hospice 
and a hospital chaplain

22
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:16,204
for almost 30 years.

23
00:01:16,204 --> 00:01:21,937
And in 2005, I was working at a big cancer center

24
00:01:21,937 --> 00:01:24,242
when I received the news that

25
00:01:24,242 --> 00:01:27,677
my mother had breast cancer.

26
00:01:27,677 --> 00:01:29,859
And then five days later,

27
00:01:29,859 --> 00:01:35,326
I received the news that I had breast cancer.

28
00:01:35,326 --> 00:01:37,959
My mother and I can be competitive —

29
00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:39,747
(Laughter) —

30
00:01:39,747 --> 00:01:44,179
but I was really not trying to
compete with her on this one.

31
00:01:44,179 --> 00:01:46,204
And in fact, I thought, well,

32
00:01:46,204 --> 00:01:48,139
if you have to have cancer,

33
00:01:48,139 --> 00:01:49,860
it's pretty convenient to be working

34
00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,371
at a place that treats it.

35
00:01:51,371 --> 00:01:54,068
But this is what I heard from 
a lot of outraged people.

36
00:01:54,068 --> 00:01:55,530
What?

37
00:01:55,530 --> 00:01:57,450
You're the chaplain.

38
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:59,740
You should be immune.

39
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:01,817
Like, maybe I should have just gotten off

40
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:04,112
with a warning instead of an actual ticket,

41
00:02:04,112 --> 00:02:07,880
because I'm on the force.

42
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,855
So I did get my treatment at the
cancer center where I worked,

43
00:02:10,855 --> 00:02:13,376
which was amazingly convenient,

44
00:02:13,376 --> 00:02:15,615
and I had chemotherapy

45
00:02:15,615 --> 00:02:18,325
and a mastectomy, and a saline implant put in,

46
00:02:18,325 --> 00:02:20,450
and so before I say another word,
let me just say right now,

47
00:02:20,450 --> 00:02:25,224
this is the fake one. (Laughter)

48
00:02:25,224 --> 00:02:28,437
I have found that I need to get that out of the way,

49
00:02:28,437 --> 00:02:30,211
because I'll see somebody go

50
00:02:30,211 --> 00:02:32,428
"Oh, I know it's this one."

51
00:02:32,428 --> 00:02:34,892
And then I'll move or I'll 
gesture and they'll go,

52
00:02:34,892 --> 00:02:37,445
"No, it's that one."

53
00:02:37,445 --> 00:02:39,616
So now you know.

54
00:02:39,616 --> 00:02:41,753
I learned a lot being a patient,

55
00:02:41,753 --> 00:02:43,275
and one of the surprising things was

56
00:02:43,275 --> 00:02:47,382
that only a small part of the cancer experience

57
00:02:47,382 --> 00:02:49,474
is about medicine.

58
00:02:49,474 --> 00:02:53,827
Most of it is about feelings and faith

59
00:02:53,827 --> 00:02:56,460
and losing and finding your identity

60
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,038
and discovering strength

61
00:02:58,038 --> 00:03:01,960
and flexibility you never even knew you had.

62
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,289
It's about realizing that

63
00:03:04,289 --> 00:03:07,359
the most important things in life are

64
00:03:07,359 --> 00:03:10,440
not things at all, but relationships,

65
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,506
and it's about laughing in the face of uncertainty

66
00:03:14,506 --> 00:03:17,945
and learning that the way to
get out of almost anything

67
00:03:17,945 --> 00:03:22,260
is to say, "I have cancer."

68
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,773
So the other thing I learned was that

69
00:03:24,773 --> 00:03:28,227
I don't have to take on "cancer survivor"

70
00:03:28,227 --> 00:03:30,195
as my identity,

71
00:03:30,195 --> 00:03:33,814
but, boy, are there powerful forces

72
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:37,360
pushing me to do just that.

73
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:41,678
Now, don't, please, misunderstand me.

74
00:03:41,678 --> 00:03:43,637
Cancer organizations

75
00:03:43,637 --> 00:03:45,617
and the drive for early screening

76
00:03:45,617 --> 00:03:48,271
and cancer awareness and cancer research

77
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:50,386
have normalized cancer,

78
00:03:50,386 --> 00:03:51,710
and this is a wonderful thing.

79
00:03:51,710 --> 00:03:53,794
We can now talk about cancer

80
00:03:53,794 --> 00:03:55,572
without whispering.

81
00:03:55,572 --> 00:04:00,090
We can talk about cancer and
we can support one another.

82
00:04:00,090 --> 00:04:03,176
But sometimes, it feels

83
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:04,574
like people go a little overboard

84
00:04:04,574 --> 00:04:09,779
and they start telling us how we're going to feel.

85
00:04:09,779 --> 00:04:13,322
So about a week after my surgery,

86
00:04:13,322 --> 00:04:16,202
we had a houseguest.

87
00:04:16,202 --> 00:04:18,950
That was probably our first mistake.

88
00:04:18,950 --> 00:04:20,471
And keep in mind that

89
00:04:20,471 --> 00:04:22,141
at this point in my life

90
00:04:22,141 --> 00:04:25,763
I had been a chaplain for over 20 years,

91
00:04:25,763 --> 00:04:28,086
and issues like dying and death

92
00:04:28,086 --> 00:04:29,642
and the meaning of life,

93
00:04:29,642 --> 00:04:32,820
these are all things I'd been 
yakking about forever.

94
00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:35,320
So at dinner that night,

95
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,056
our houseguest proceeds to
stretch his arms up over his head,

96
00:04:38,056 --> 00:04:40,861
and say, "You know, Deb,

97
00:04:40,861 --> 00:04:45,010
now you're really going to learn what's important.

98
00:04:45,010 --> 00:04:47,707
Yes, you are going to make some big changes

99
00:04:47,707 --> 00:04:49,077
in your life,

100
00:04:49,077 --> 00:04:52,725
and now you're going to start
thinking about your death.

101
00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:56,750
Yep, this cancer is your wakeup call."

102
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,175
Now, these are golden words

103
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:03,154
coming from someone who is speaking about

104
00:05:03,154 --> 00:05:05,573
their own experience,

105
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,949
but when someone is telling you

106
00:05:07,949 --> 00:05:10,342
how you are going to feel,

107
00:05:10,342 --> 00:05:12,388
it's instant crap.

108
00:05:12,388 --> 00:05:15,292
The only reason I did not kill him

109
00:05:15,292 --> 00:05:17,283
with my bare hands

110
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:21,378
was because I could not lift my right arm.

111
00:05:21,378 --> 00:05:25,596
But I did say a really bad word to him,

112
00:05:25,596 --> 00:05:28,497
followed by a regular word, that —

113
00:05:28,497 --> 00:05:29,720
(Laughter) —

114
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,238
made my husband say, "She's on narcotics."

115
00:05:33,238 --> 00:05:35,196
(Laughter)

116
00:05:35,196 --> 00:05:37,690
And then after my treatment, it just felt like

117
00:05:37,690 --> 00:05:40,973
everyone was telling me what my
experience was going to mean.

118
00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:43,765
"Oh, this means you're going to be doing the walk."

119
00:05:43,765 --> 00:05:45,389
"Oh, this means you're coming to the luncheon."

120
00:05:45,389 --> 00:05:46,651
"This means you're going to be wearing

121
00:05:46,651 --> 00:05:49,042
the pink ribbon and the pink t-shirt

122
00:05:49,042 --> 00:05:50,904
and the headband and the earrings

123
00:05:50,904 --> 00:05:54,640
and the bracelet and the panties."

124
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,869
Panties. No, seriously, google it.

125
00:05:57,869 --> 00:05:59,920
(Laughter)

126
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,011
How is that raising awareness?

127
00:06:02,011 --> 00:06:04,078
Only my husband should be seeing my panties.

128
00:06:04,078 --> 00:06:05,747
(Laughter)

129
00:06:05,747 --> 00:06:10,158
He's pretty aware of cancer already.

130
00:06:10,158 --> 00:06:13,302
It was at that point where I felt like, oh my God,

131
00:06:13,302 --> 00:06:16,452
this is just taking over my life.

132
00:06:16,452 --> 00:06:21,424
And that's when I told myself, 
claim your experience.

133
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:25,086
Don't let it claim you.

134
00:06:25,086 --> 00:06:27,194
We all know that

135
00:06:27,194 --> 00:06:31,316
the way to cope with trauma, with loss,

136
00:06:31,316 --> 00:06:33,741
with any life-changing experience,

137
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:35,891
is to find meaning.

138
00:06:35,891 --> 00:06:38,128
But here's the thing:

139
00:06:38,128 --> 00:06:39,795
No one can tell us

140
00:06:39,795 --> 00:06:42,531
what our experience means.

141
00:06:42,531 --> 00:06:45,820
We have to decide what it means.

142
00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:47,952
And it doesn't have to be some gigantic,

143
00:06:47,952 --> 00:06:49,959
extroverted meaning.

144
00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:52,470
We don't all have to start a foundation

145
00:06:52,470 --> 00:06:54,622
or an organization or write a book

146
00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:57,502
or make a documentary.

147
00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:00,449
Meaning can be quiet

148
00:07:00,449 --> 00:07:02,620
and introverted.

149
00:07:02,620 --> 00:07:08,548
Maybe we make one small decision about our lives

150
00:07:08,548 --> 00:07:13,626
that can bring about big change.

151
00:07:13,626 --> 00:07:15,566
Many years ago, I had a patient,

152
00:07:15,566 --> 00:07:17,571
just a wonderful young man

153
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:20,306
who was loved by the staff,

154
00:07:20,306 --> 00:07:23,190
and so it was something of a shock to us to realize

155
00:07:23,190 --> 00:07:26,974
that he had no friends.

156
00:07:26,974 --> 00:07:29,280
He lived by himself,

157
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:33,308
he would come in for chemotherapy by himself,

158
00:07:33,308 --> 00:07:35,253
he would receive his treatment,

159
00:07:35,253 --> 00:07:38,984
and then he'd walk home alone.

160
00:07:38,984 --> 00:07:40,748
And I even asked him. I said, "Hey,

161
00:07:40,748 --> 00:07:43,489
how come you never bring a friend with you?"

162
00:07:43,489 --> 00:07:48,208
And he said, "I don't really have any friends."

163
00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:50,469
But he had tons of friends on the infusion floor.

164
00:07:50,469 --> 00:07:54,845
We all loved him, and people were going
in and out of his room all the time.

165
00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:57,804
So at his last chemo,

166
00:07:57,804 --> 00:07:59,131
we sang him the song

167
00:07:59,131 --> 00:08:01,898
and we put the crown on his 
head and we blew the bubbles,

168
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:04,339
and then I asked him, I said,

169
00:08:04,339 --> 00:08:08,795
"So what are you going to do now?"

170
00:08:08,795 --> 00:08:10,605
And he answered,

171
00:08:10,605 --> 00:08:12,238
"Make friends."

172
00:08:12,238 --> 00:08:14,350
And he did.

173
00:08:14,350 --> 00:08:17,904
He started volunteering 
and he made friends there,

174
00:08:17,904 --> 00:08:20,590
and he began going to a church
and he made friends there,

175
00:08:20,590 --> 00:08:23,550
and at Christmas he invited my husband
and me to a party in his apartment,

176
00:08:23,550 --> 00:08:28,667
and the place was filled with his friends.

177
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,910
Claim your experience.

178
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:32,559
Don't let it claim you.

179
00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:37,431
He decided that the meaning of his experience

180
00:08:37,431 --> 00:08:41,198
was to know the joy of friendship,

181
00:08:41,198 --> 00:08:45,806
and then learn to make friends.

182
00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:49,792
So what about you?

183
00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:52,145
How are you going to find meaning

184
00:08:52,145 --> 00:08:54,592
in your crappy experience?

185
00:08:54,592 --> 00:08:56,483
It could be a recent one,

186
00:08:56,483 --> 00:08:58,454
or it could be one that you've been carrying around

187
00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:02,345
for a really long time.

188
00:09:02,345 --> 00:09:06,855
It's never too late to change what it means,

189
00:09:06,855 --> 00:09:09,110
because meaning is dynamic.

190
00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:10,771
What it means today

191
00:09:10,771 --> 00:09:12,698
may not be what it means a year from now,

192
00:09:12,698 --> 00:09:15,541
or 10 years from now.

193
00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:18,151
It's never too late to become someone other

194
00:09:18,151 --> 00:09:21,672
than simply a survivor.

195
00:09:21,672 --> 00:09:24,996
Hear how static that word sounds?

196
00:09:24,996 --> 00:09:26,913
Survivor.

197
00:09:26,913 --> 00:09:31,304
No movement, no growth.

198
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,191
Claim your experience.

199
00:09:33,191 --> 00:09:35,812
Don't let it claim you, because if you do,

200
00:09:35,812 --> 00:09:38,973
I believe you will become trapped,

201
00:09:38,973 --> 00:09:44,915
you will not grow, you will not evolve.

202
00:09:44,915 --> 00:09:48,393
But of course, sometimes it's not outside pressures

203
00:09:48,393 --> 00:09:52,764
that cause us to take on that identity of survivor.

204
00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:56,657
Sometimes we just like the perks.

205
00:09:56,657 --> 00:10:00,165
Sometimes there's a payoff.

206
00:10:00,165 --> 00:10:03,900
But then we get stuck.

207
00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:05,711
Now, one of the first things I learned

208
00:10:05,711 --> 00:10:09,817
as a chaplain intern was the three C's

209
00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:12,208
of the chaplain's job:

210
00:10:12,208 --> 00:10:19,170
Comfort, clarify and, when necessary, confront

211
00:10:19,170 --> 00:10:21,325
or challenge.

212
00:10:21,325 --> 00:10:23,271
Now, we all pretty much love the comforting

213
00:10:23,271 --> 00:10:25,128
and the clarifying.

214
00:10:25,128 --> 00:10:30,070
The confronting, not so much.

215
00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:32,064
One of the other things that I loved

216
00:10:32,064 --> 00:10:34,522
about being a chaplain was

217
00:10:34,522 --> 00:10:38,995
seeing patients a year, or even several years

218
00:10:38,995 --> 00:10:40,836
after their treatment, because

219
00:10:40,836 --> 00:10:43,536
it was just really cool to see 
how they had changed

220
00:10:43,536 --> 00:10:45,752
and how their lives had evolved

221
00:10:45,752 --> 00:10:47,642
and what had happened to them.

222
00:10:47,642 --> 00:10:50,162
So I was thrilled one day

223
00:10:50,162 --> 00:10:52,610
to get a page down into the lobby of the clinic

224
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:56,191
from a patient who I had seen the year before,

225
00:10:56,191 --> 00:10:58,665
and she was there with her two adult daughters,

226
00:10:58,665 --> 00:11:02,924
who I also knew, for her one year follow-up exam.

227
00:11:02,924 --> 00:11:06,461
So I got down to the lobby, and they were ecstatic

228
00:11:06,461 --> 00:11:08,712
because she had just gotten
all of her test results back

229
00:11:08,712 --> 00:11:14,900
and she was NED: No Evidence of Disease.

230
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:19,657
Which I used to think meant Not Entirely Dead.

231
00:11:19,657 --> 00:11:25,150
So they were ecstatic, we sat down to visit,

232
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,957
and it was so weird, because

233
00:11:27,957 --> 00:11:31,839
within two minutes, she 
started retelling me the story

234
00:11:31,839 --> 00:11:36,369
of her diagnosis and her 
surgery and her chemo,

235
00:11:36,369 --> 00:11:39,837
even though, as her chaplain, 
I saw her every week,

236
00:11:39,837 --> 00:11:42,728
and so I knew this story.

237
00:11:42,728 --> 00:11:45,770
And she was using words like suffering,

238
00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:49,765
agony, struggle.

239
00:11:49,765 --> 00:11:52,379
And she ended her story with,

240
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:57,173
"I felt crucified."

241
00:11:57,173 --> 00:11:59,837
And at that point, her two 
daughters got up and said,

242
00:11:59,837 --> 00:12:03,749
"We're going to go get coffee."

243
00:12:03,749 --> 00:12:06,890
And they left.

244
00:12:06,890 --> 00:12:09,725
Tell me three things about
yourself before the next stop.

245
00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:12,481
People were leaving the bus before she even got

246
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:17,858
to number two or number three.

247
00:12:17,858 --> 00:12:21,345
So I handed her a tissue,

248
00:12:21,345 --> 00:12:24,642
and I gave her a hug,

249
00:12:24,642 --> 00:12:28,152
and then, because I really cared for this woman,

250
00:12:28,152 --> 00:12:30,238
I said,

251
00:12:30,238 --> 00:12:32,544
"Get down off your cross."

252
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:36,810
And she said, "What?"

253
00:12:36,810 --> 00:12:42,224
And I repeated, "Get down off your cross."

254
00:12:42,224 --> 00:12:46,869
And to her credit, she could 
talk about her reasons

255
00:12:46,869 --> 00:12:51,988
for embracing and then clinging to this identity.

256
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:54,010
It got her a lot of attention.

257
00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:57,115
People were taking care of her for a change.

258
00:12:57,115 --> 00:13:00,810
But now, it was having the opposite effect.

259
00:13:00,810 --> 00:13:03,293
It was pushing people away.

260
00:13:03,293 --> 00:13:07,040
People kept leaving to get coffee.

261
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:10,941
She felt crucified by her experience,

262
00:13:10,941 --> 00:13:17,163
but she didn't want to let that crucified self die.

263
00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:20,080
Now, perhaps you are thinking

264
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:23,030
I was a little harsh with her,

265
00:13:23,030 --> 00:13:25,138
so I must tell you that

266
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,830
I was speaking out of my own experience.

267
00:13:28,830 --> 00:13:31,674
Many, many years before,

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I had been fired from a job that I loved,

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and I would not stop talking about my innocence

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and the injustice and the betrayal and the deceipt,

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until finally, just like this woman,

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people were walking away from me,

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until I finally realized

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I wasn't just processing my feelings,

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I was feeding them.

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I didn't want to let that crucified self die.

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But we all know that with any resurrection story,

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you have to die first.

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The Christian story,

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Jesus was dead a whole day in the tomb

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before he was resurrected.

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And I believe that for us,

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being in the tomb

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means doing our own deep inner work

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around our wounds

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and allowing ourselves to be healed.

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We have to let that crucified self die

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so that a new self, a truer self,

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is born.

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We have to let that old story go

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so that a new story, a truer story,

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can be told.

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Claim your experience. Don't let it claim you.

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What if there were no survivors,

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meaning, what if people decided

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to just claim their trauma as an experience

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instead of taking it on as an identity?

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Maybe it would be the end of being

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trapped in our wounds

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and the beginning of amazing

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self-exploration and discovery and growth.

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Maybe it would be the start of defining ourselves

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by who we have become

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and who we are becoming.

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So perhaps survivor was not

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one of the three things that you would tell me.

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No matter.

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I just want you all to know that

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I am really glad that we are on this bus together,

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and this is my stop.

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(Applause)