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"Mom, who are these people?"
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It was an innocent question
from my young daughter Anya
-
around the time when she was three.
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We were walking along with my husband
-
in one of Abu Dhabi's big fancy malls.
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Anya was peering at a huge poster
standing tall in the middle of the mall.
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It featured the three rulers
of the United Arab Emirates.
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As she tucked in my side,
I bent down and explained
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that these were the rulers of the UAE
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who had worked hard
to develop their nation
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and preserve its unity.
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She asked, "Mom, why is it that here
where we live, and back in Lebanon,
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where Grandma and Grandpa live,
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we never see the pictures
of powerful women on the walls?
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Is it because women are not important?"
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This is probably the hardest question
I've had to answer in my years as a parent
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and in my 16-plus years
of professional life, for that matter.
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I had grown up in my hometown in Lebanon
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the younger of two daughters
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to a very hard-working pilot
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and Director of Operations
for the Lebanese Airlines,
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and a super-supportive
stay-at-home mom and grandma.
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My father had encouraged
my sister and I to pursue our education
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even though our culture emphasized
at the time that it was sons
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and not daughters who should be
professionally motivated.
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I was one of very few girls
of my generation
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who left home at 18 to study abroad.
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My father didn't have a son,
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and so I, in a sense, became his.
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Fast forward a couple of decades
and I hope I didn't do too badly
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in making my father proud
of his would-be son.
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As I got my Bachelor's and PhD
in Electrical Engineering,
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did R&D in the UK,
then consulting in the Middle East,
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I have always been
in male-dominated environments.
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Truth be told, I have never found
a role model I could truly identify with.
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My mother's generation wasn't
into professional leadership.
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There were some encouraging men
along the way, but none knew
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the demands and pressures I was facing,
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pressures that got particularly acute
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when I had my own two beautiful children.
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And although Western women love to give us
poor, oppressed Arab women advice,
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they live different lives
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with different constraints.
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So Arab women of my generation
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have had to become our own role models.
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We have had to juggle more than Arab men,
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and we have had to face
more cultural rigidity than Western women.
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As a result, I would like to think
that we poor, oppressed women
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actually have some useful,
certainly hard-earned lessons to share,
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lessons that might turn out useful
for anyone wishing to thrive
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in the modern world.
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Here are three of mine.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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There is this word that everybody
is touting as the key to success:
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resilience.
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Well, what exactly is resilience,
and how do you develop it?
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I believe resilience is simply the ability
to transform shit into fuel.
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In my previous job,
well before my current firm,
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I was working with a man
we will call John.
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I had teamed up with John
and was working hard,
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hoping he would notice how great I was
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and that he would come to support
my case to make partner at the firm.
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I was, in addition to delivering
on my consulting projects,
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writing passionately on the topic
of women economic empowerment.
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One day, I got to present my research
to a roomful of MBA students.
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John was part of the audience
listening to the first time
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to the details of my study.
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As I proceeded with my presentation,
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I could see John in the corner of my eye.
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He had turned a dark shade of pink
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and had slid under his chair
in apparent shame.
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I finished my presentation
to an applauding audience
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and we rushed out and jumped into the car.
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There he exploded.
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"What you did up there was unacceptable!
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You are a consultant, not an activist!"
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I said, "John, I don't understand.
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I presented a couple of
[???] indeces,
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and some conclusions about the Arab world.
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Yes, we do happen to be today
at the bottom of the index,
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but what is it that I said or presented
that was not factual?"
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To which he replied,
"The whole premise of your study is wrong.
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What you are doing is dangerous and will
break the social fabric of our society."
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He paused, then added,
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"When women have children,
their place is in the home."
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Time stood still for a long while,
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and all I could think and repeat
in the chaos of my brain was,
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you can forget about
that partnership, Leila.
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It's just never going to happen.
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It took me a couple of days to fully
absorb this incident and its implications,
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but once I did,
I reached three conclusions.
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One, that these were his issues,
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his complexes.
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There may be many like him in our society,
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but I would never let
their issues become mine.
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Two, that I needed
another sponsor, and fast.
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I got one, by the way,
and boy was he great.
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And three, that I would get to show John
what women with children can do.
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I apply this lesson equally well
to my personal life.
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As I have progressed in my career,
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I have received many words
of encouragement,
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but I have also often been met
by women, men, and couples,
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who have clearly had an issue
with my husband and I
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having chosen the path
of a dual career couple.
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So you get this well-meaning couple
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who tells you straight out
at a family gathering
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or at friend's gathering, that,
come on, you must know
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you're not a great mom giving how much
you're investing in your career, right?
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I would lie if I said
these words didn't hurt.
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My children are the most
precious thing to me,
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and the thought that I could be
failing them in any way
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is intolerable.
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But just like I did with John,
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I quickly reminded myself
that these were their issues,
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their complexes.
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So instead of replying,
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I gave back one of my largest smiles
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as I saw, in flashing light,
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the following sign in my mind's eye.
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[Be happy, it drives people crazy.]
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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You see, as a young women
in these situations, you have two options.
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You can either decide to internalize
these negative messages
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that are being thrown at you,
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to let them make you feel like a failure,
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like success is way too hard
to ever achieve,
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or you can choose to see that others'
negativity is their own issue,
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and instead transform it
into your own personal fuel.
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I have learned
to always go for option two,
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and I have found that it has taken me
from strength to strength.
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And it's true what they say:
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success is the best revenge.
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Some women in the Middle East
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are lucky enough to be married
to someone supportive of their career.
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Correction: I should say "smart enough,"
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because who you marry is your own choice,
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and you'd better marry someone supportive
if you plan to have a long career.
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Still today, the Arab man is not
an equal contributor in the home.
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It's simply not expected by our society,
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and even frowned upon as not very manly.
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As for the Arab woman,
our society still assumes
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that her primary source of happiness
should be the happiness and prosperity
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of her children and husband.
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She mostly exists for her family.
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Things are changing,
but it will take time.
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For now, it means that the professional
Arab woman has to somehow
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maintain the perfect home,
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make sure that her children's every need
are being taken care of,
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and manage her demanding career.
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To achieve this, I have found the hard way
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that you need to apply your hard-earned
professional skills to your personal life.
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You need to work your life.
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Here is how I do this in my personal life.
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One thing to know about the Middle East
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is that nearly every family
has access to affordable domestic help.
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The challenge therefore becomes
how to recruit effectively.
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Just like I would in my business life,
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I base the selection of who would support
me with my children while I'm at work
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on a strong referral.
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Christina had worked
for four years with my sister
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and the quality of her work
was well-established.
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She is now an integral
member of our family,
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having been with us since Tanya
was six months old.
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She makes sure that the house
is running smoothly
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while I'm at work,
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and I make sure to empower her
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in the most optimal conditions
for her and my children,
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just like I would my best talent at work.
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This lesson applies whatever
your childcare situation,
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whether an au pair, nursery,
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part time nanny that you share
with someone else.
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Choose very careful, and empower.
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If you look at my calendar,
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you will see every working day
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one and a half hours
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from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. UAE time
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blocked and called "family time."
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This is sacred time.
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I have done this ever since
Tanya was a baby.
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I do everything in my power
to protect this time
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so that I can be home by then
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to spend quality time with my children,
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asking them about their day,
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checking up on homework,
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reading them a bedtime story,
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and giving them lots
of kisses and cuddles.
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If I'm traveling,
in whatever the time zone,
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I use Skype to connect with my children
even if I am miles away.
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Our son Burhan is five years old,
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and he's learning to read
and do basic maths.
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Here's another confession:
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I have found that our daughter
is actually more successful
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at teaching him these skills than I am.
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(Laughter)
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It started as a game, but Anya loves
playing teacher to her little brother,
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and I have found that these sessions
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actually improve Burhan's literacy,
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increase Anya's sense of responsibility,
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and strengthen the bonding between them,
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a win-win all around.
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The successful Arab women I know
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have each found their unique approach
to working their life
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as they continue to shoulder
the lion's share
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of responsibility in the home.
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But this is not just about surviving
in your dual role
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as a career woman and mother.
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This is also about being in the present.
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When I am with my children,
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I try to leave work out of our lives.
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Instead of worrying about how many minutes
I can spend with them every day,
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I focus on turning these minutes
into memorable moments,
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moments where I'm seeing my kids,
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hearing them, connecting with them.
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Arab women of my generation
have not been very visible
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in the public eye as they grew up.
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This explains, I think, to some extent,
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why you find so few women in politics
in the Arab world.
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The upside of this, however,
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is that we have spent a lot of time
developing a social skill
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behind the scenes,
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in coffee shops, in living rooms,
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on the phone,
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a social skill that is very
important to success:
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networking.
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I would say that the average Arab woman
has a large network of friends
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and acquaintances.
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The majority of those are also women.
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In the West, it seems like ambitious women
often compare themselves to other women
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hoping to be noticed as the most
successful woman in the room.
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This leads to the much-spoken-about
competitive behavior
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between professional women.
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If there's only room
for one woman at the top,
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then you can't make room for others,
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much less lift them up.
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Arab women, generally speaking,
have not fallen for this psychological trap.
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Faced with patriarchal society,
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they have found that
by helping each other out,
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all benefit.
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In my previous job, I was the most
senior woman in the Middle East,
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so one could think that investing
in my network of female colleagues
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couldn't bring many benefits
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and that I should instead invest my time
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developing my relationships
with male seniors and peers.
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yet two of my biggest breaks
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came through the support of other women.
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It was the Head of Marketing
who initially suggested
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I be considered as a young global leader
to the World Economic Forum.
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She was familiar with my media engagements
and my publications,
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and when she was asked
to voice her opinion,
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she highlighted my name.
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It was a young consultant,
a Saudi lady and friend,
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who helped me sell my first project
in Saudi Arabia,
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a market I was finding hard
to gain traction in as a woman.
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She introduced me to a client,
and that introduction led to the first
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of very many projects for me in Saudi.
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Today, I have two senior women on my team,
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and I see making them successful
as key to my own success.
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Women continue to advance in the world,
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not fast enough, but we're moving.
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The Arab world too is making progress,
despite many recent setbacks.
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Just this year, the UAE appointed
five new female ministers to its cabinet,
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for a total of eight female ministers.
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That's nearly 28 percent of the cabinet,
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and more than many developed
countries can claim.
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This is today my daughter
Anya's favorite picture.
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This is the result, no doubt,
of great leadership,
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but it is also the result
of strong Arab women
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not giving up and continuously
pushing the boundaries.
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It is the result of Arab women
deciding every day like me
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to convert shit into fuel,
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to work their life
to keep work out of their life,
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and to join forces and not compete.
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As I look to the future,
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my hopes for my daughter
when she stands on this stage
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some 20, 30 years from now
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is that she be as proud
to call herself her mother's daughter
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as her father's daughter.
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My hopes for my son
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is that by then, the expression
"her mother's son" or "mama's boy"
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would have taken on
a completely different meaning.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)