Awkward Things People Say To Soldiers

(Music)

I'm gonna cry, so don't make fun of me.

I missed you, too, Squeezies.

I hate when you call me that.

I know.

Okay, we're making a scene. Let's go.

I just got here!

Nice hair.

Thank you.

Whoa, nice place here.

I have roommates. One of them's loaded.

Sweet. So I'm thinking...

Netflix and pizza. Or Netflix and Chinese.
Or... stay with me...

Netflix, pizza, and Chinese.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

SUPRISE!

Are you serious?

Yeah. Too much?

How you doing, man?

Do I know all these people?

You know some of them.

I talk about you a lot, so they wanted
to meet you.

You look great, man!

You must have put on about 50 pounds!

Yeah, army. Whoa.

Your hair, man, is so different!
They made you cut it?

Not at gunpoint or anything, but...

But, really?

How do you really think it's
going over there?

You ever play Call of Duty?

Yeah...

Yeah! What's your KDR?

Uh...

Kill death ratio. (Laughs)

How come I haven't seen you around?

Been overseas for eight months.

Oh, you're that guy.

I'm that guy!

It's usually, like, two to one. I'm not great.

What's your real life KDR?

You never seemed like an army guy, dude.
I mean... I used to buy weed from you.

Oh my god, I can't believe I wore these.

This is insensitive. I'm not
mocking you or...

I didn't even make that connection.

I'm also not trying to blend in
with the environment,

obviously, 'cause I'm not under fire.

Oh, hey, you wanna...?

No, no, I can't.

I probably got an apple
around here somewhere.

I can't smoke.

It's not a front the way you would see
in Revolutionary War movies.

Yeah!

A lot of sporadic stuff.

Yeah, like door to do, kind of?

Oh my god, did you see the Pacquiao fight?
It was awesome.

It was an okay fight. Haha.

Is he bothering you?

No, I'm good, really.

Okay, 'cause I'll kick his ass.

I know you will.

Yeah I will.

Yeah, I'm doing all right.

Okay.

You don't have to check
on me, okay?

This is gonna be way better than an apple.

Hey, okay, so you have, like a
sergeant, right?

Of course.

Okay, so if he fond out that you weren't a
Republication, would you just be ...

I couldn't do that stuff.

Let's do another shot, bro.

Have you ever thrown a barrett 50 cal
through a scope?

Do THEY even want US in THEIR country?

How long has it been since, you know...

Ugh. So you were there for, like,
eight months, right?

I mean you had to've killed at least
somebody, right?

Something's wrong with the goddamned...

Yes! Oh yes! Okay...

What up, guys?

You should go for it.

For what?

Uh...

It's your R and R. Don't let me
hold you back.

I'd rather just hang out with you,
you know?

You're so cheesy.

Rematch! Rematch!

Let's let someone else have the table.

Fine, fine. Arm wrestle?

I'm good, man.

Thank you for your service.

They wanted us to walk around for hours

with trashbags and gloves on.

'Cause stuff gets everywhere, you know?

Just when you think you got it all,
there's no way there's any more,

you sit down an eat a Pop Tart

and there is a scrotum by your foot.

Yeah. Now you gotta put your Pop Tart
down,

you gotta get your gloves back on

and when that's taken care of

there's this dog the platoon feeds.

Called him BMX.

BMX is gnawing on a piece of this dude.

Now, the locals who are super
superstitious are telling your interpreter

"Once a dog gets a taste of human
flesh, it goes crazy and violent."

We like this dog, so we don't want to do
anything about it.

Then it bites the shit out of
Batista's arm.

And the next you know, it's decided BMX
has got to go.

But we don't want to shoot him inside the
compound because of the risk of

ricochet from a high velocity
rifle bullet bouncing—

Jesus!

So you killed the dog?

Did you miss the part about the
suicide bomber?

Yeah, wait, that doesn't make sense.

How did a dude even get a bomb inside the
compound in the first place?

Oh I just figured out why they called the
dog BMX.

'Cause he just got busted for the dog
fighting stuff.

I'm sorry.

Dude, don't.

No, everyone was being stupid. And I
just thought,

'Oh, food. That's a safe topic.'

It's not your fault. I'm drunk.
I was drunk.

I just wanted to tell a story to let them
know that you just want to

eat a Pop Tart. Shit happens and it's
crazy. That story kills on base.

I'm serious.

Okay.

I guess it's interesting.

It's fucking weird.

Yeah.

Really weird.

It was a really weird choice.

I just wanted to be Matt.

One weekend. I'm going back in two days.
I just wanted to be Matt.

You are Matt.

I'm not though. To them, I'm just some
weird soldier guy

who shows up and they get to tell a weird
story about me and then forget about it.

That's not true.

No one's gonna forget that story.

No, they will.

(Groans)

I just threw this party 'cause I didn't
wanna touch your face and...

Hey, all I wanted this weekend was
to hang out with you.

You can touch my face all you want.

Hahahaha

I just like when I can see you.

Yeah.

When you're here, I know no one's
gonna blow you up.

Yeah.

Wanna get a pizza... alone? Let's watch
"American Horror Story."

How about last season of "New Girl."

Okay, but under protest.

Okay. My weekend.

Haha, fine.

I guess we should wait until
everyone goes.

Yeah.

I don't know why I invited them.

I don't, either.

Did I smoke out of a zucchini?

Haha, yeah.

So weird!

That was the the only impressive part.
They can hang.