To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful
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0:06 - 0:12There's so many of you.
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0:12 - 0:15When I was a kid,
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0:15 - 0:18I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said,
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0:18 - 0:21"If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it."
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0:21 - 0:25Take it from me. Under the bed is not a good hiding spot.
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0:25 - 0:27I know because I've been shot down so many times
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0:27 - 0:31I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself.
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0:31 - 0:33But that's what we were told.
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0:33 - 0:36Stand up for yourself.
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0:36 - 0:38And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are.
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0:38 - 0:42We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age,
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0:42 - 0:46and if we didn't do it, others did it for us.
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0:46 - 0:50Geek. Fatty. Slut. Fag.
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0:50 - 0:53And at the same time we were being told what we were,
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0:53 - 0:55we were being asked,
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0:55 - 0:58"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
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0:58 - 1:00I always thought that was an unfair question.
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1:00 - 1:03It presupposes that we can't be what we already are.
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1:03 - 1:05We were kids.
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1:05 - 1:08When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man.
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1:08 - 1:11I wanted a registered retirement savings plan
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1:11 - 1:15that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.
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1:15 - 1:17When I was a kid, I wanted to shave.
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1:17 - 1:21Now, not so much.
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1:21 - 1:25When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist.
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1:25 - 1:26When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws,"
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1:26 - 1:29and thought to myself, "No, thank you."
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1:29 - 1:33And when I was 10, I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me.
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1:33 - 1:35When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone.
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1:35 - 1:39When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid.
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1:39 - 1:43When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.
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1:43 - 1:46I said, "I'd like to be a writer."
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1:46 - 1:49And they said, "Choose something realistic."
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1:49 - 1:52So I said, "Professional wrestler."
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1:52 - 1:54And they said, "Don't be stupid."
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1:54 - 1:57See, they asked me what I wanted to be,
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1:57 - 2:00then told me what not to be.
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2:00 - 2:02And I wasn't the only one.
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2:02 - 2:04We were being told that we somehow must become
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2:04 - 2:06what we are not, sacrificing what we are
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2:06 - 2:09to inherit the masquerade of what we will be.
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2:09 - 2:11I was being told to accept the identity
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2:11 - 2:13that others will give me.
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2:13 - 2:17And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss?
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2:17 - 2:21Granted, my dreams are shy,
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2:21 - 2:26because they're Canadian. (Laughter)
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2:26 - 2:29My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic.
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2:29 - 2:31They're standing alone at the high school dance,
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2:31 - 2:34and they've never been kissed.
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2:34 - 2:37See, my dreams got called names too.
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2:37 - 2:41Silly. Foolish. Impossible.
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2:41 - 2:42But I kept dreaming.
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2:42 - 2:44I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out.
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2:44 - 2:48I was going to be The Garbage Man.
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2:48 - 2:51My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor.
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2:51 - 2:55My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"
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2:55 - 3:01(Laughter) (Applause)
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3:01 - 3:06And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese,
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3:06 - 3:09stole my entire shtick.
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3:09 - 3:15I was crushed, as if by a trash compactor.
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3:15 - 3:19I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"
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3:19 - 3:22Poetry.
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3:22 - 3:26Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me.
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3:26 - 3:28One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing
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3:28 - 3:31was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself.
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3:31 - 3:33From age 15 to 18, I hated myself
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3:33 - 3:38for becoming the thing that I loathed: a bully.
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3:38 - 3:40When I was 19, I wrote,
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3:40 - 3:43"I will love myself despite the ease with which
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3:43 - 3:46I lean toward the opposite."
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3:46 - 3:49Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean
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3:49 - 3:52embracing violence.
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3:52 - 3:53When I was a kid,
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3:53 - 3:56I traded in homework assignments for friendship,
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3:56 - 3:59then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time,
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3:59 - 4:01and in most cases not at all.
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4:01 - 4:04I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise.
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4:04 - 4:06And I remember this plan, born out of frustration
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4:06 - 4:09from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi,"
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4:09 - 4:12then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets."
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4:12 - 4:15Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone,
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4:15 - 4:16and one day before class, I said,
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4:16 - 4:18"Yeah, you can copy my homework,"
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4:18 - 4:20and I gave him all the wrong answers
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4:20 - 4:22that I'd written down the night before.
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4:22 - 4:25He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score,
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4:25 - 4:29and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero.
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4:29 - 4:32I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30,
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4:32 - 4:35but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled,
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4:35 - 4:39and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."
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4:39 - 4:46(Laughter) (Applause)
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4:46 - 4:49This is who I am.
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4:49 - 4:53This is how I stand up for myself.
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4:53 - 4:55When I was a kid,
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4:55 - 5:00I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing.
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5:00 - 5:03I thought they were both pork chops.
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5:03 - 5:04And because my grandmother thought it was cute,
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5:04 - 5:07and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it.
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5:07 - 5:09Not really a big deal.
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5:09 - 5:12One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees,
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5:12 - 5:16I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body.
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5:16 - 5:18I didn't want to tell my grandmother about it
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5:18 - 5:21because I was scared I'd get in trouble for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been.
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5:21 - 5:23A few days later, the gym teacher noticed the bruise,
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5:23 - 5:25and I got sent to the principal's office.
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5:25 - 5:27From there, I was sent to another small room
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5:27 - 5:32with a really nice lady who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home.
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5:32 - 5:34I saw no reason to lie.
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5:34 - 5:37As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good.
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5:37 - 5:41I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.
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5:41 - 5:49(Laughter)
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5:49 - 5:53This led to a full-scale investigation,
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5:53 - 5:55and I was removed from the house for three days,
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5:55 - 5:59until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises.
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5:59 - 6:02News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school,
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6:02 - 6:05and I earned my first nickname:
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6:05 - 6:07Porkchop.
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6:07 - 6:13To this day, I hate pork chops.
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6:13 - 6:16I'm not the only kid who grew up this way,
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6:16 - 6:19surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme
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6:19 - 6:21about sticks and stones,
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6:21 - 6:24as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called,
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6:24 - 6:26and we got called them all.
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6:26 - 6:30So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us,
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6:30 - 6:32that we'd be lonely forever,
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6:32 - 6:34that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun
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6:34 - 6:37was something they built for us in their toolshed.
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6:37 - 6:41So broken heartstrings bled the blues, and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing.
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6:41 - 6:43Don't tell me that hurt less than a broken bone,
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6:43 - 6:46that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away,
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6:46 - 6:49that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.
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6:49 - 6:51She was eight years old,
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6:51 - 6:54our first day of grade three when she got called ugly.
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6:54 - 6:56We both got moved to the back of class
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6:56 - 6:59so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs.
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6:59 - 7:01But the school halls were a battleground.
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7:01 - 7:03We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day.
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7:03 - 7:07We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse.
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7:07 - 7:09Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away,
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7:09 - 7:12or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there.
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7:12 - 7:15In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk
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7:15 - 7:18that read, "Beware of dog."
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7:18 - 7:23To this day, despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful
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7:23 - 7:27because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face.
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7:27 - 7:29Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer
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7:29 - 7:32that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done."
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7:32 - 7:35And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids
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7:35 - 7:39whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom,"
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7:39 - 7:42because they see her heart before they see her skin,
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7:42 - 7:43because she's only ever always been amazing.
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7:43 - 7:48He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree,
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7:48 - 7:50adopted,
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7:50 - 7:54not because his parents opted for a different destiny.
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7:54 - 7:56He was three when he became a mixed drink
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7:56 - 8:00of one part left alone and two parts tragedy,
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8:00 - 8:02started therapy in eighth grade,
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8:02 - 8:05had a personality made up of tests and pills,
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8:05 - 8:09lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs,
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8:09 - 8:12four fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants,
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8:12 - 8:15and an adolescence being called "Popper,"
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8:15 - 8:17one part because of the pills,
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8:17 - 8:2099 parts because of the cruelty.
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8:20 - 8:22He tried to kill himself in grade 10
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8:22 - 8:25when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad
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8:25 - 8:28had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it."
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8:28 - 8:31As if depression is something that could be remedied
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8:31 - 8:33by any of the contents found in a first aid kit.
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8:33 - 8:37To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends,
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8:37 - 8:40could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends
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8:40 - 8:41in the moment before it's about to fall,
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8:41 - 8:44and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration,
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8:44 - 8:48he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand
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8:48 - 8:51sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction
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8:51 - 8:54and more to do with sanity.
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8:54 - 8:57We weren't the only kids who grew up this way.
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8:57 - 9:00To this day, kids are still being called names.
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9:00 - 9:05The classics were, "Hey stupid," "Hey spaz."
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9:05 - 9:08Seems like every school has an arsenal of names
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9:08 - 9:11getting updated every year,
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9:11 - 9:13and if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear,
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9:13 - 9:15do they make a sound?
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9:15 - 9:18Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck
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9:18 - 9:23on repeat when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel."
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9:23 - 9:25Every school was a big top circus tent,
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9:25 - 9:28and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers,
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9:28 - 9:32from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were.
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9:32 - 9:36We were freaks -- lobster claw boys and bearded ladies,
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9:36 - 9:38oddities juggling depression and loneliness,
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9:38 - 9:40playing solitaire, spin the bottle,
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9:40 - 9:42trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal,
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9:42 - 9:45but at night, while the others slept,
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9:45 - 9:48we kept walking the tightrope.
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9:48 - 9:51It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.
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9:51 - 9:54But I want to tell them that all of this
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9:54 - 9:59is just debris left over when we finally decide to smash
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9:59 - 10:01all the things we thought we used to be,
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10:01 - 10:05and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself,
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10:05 - 10:10get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer,
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10:10 - 10:12because there's something inside you that made you keep trying
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10:12 - 10:15despite everyone who told you to quit.
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10:15 - 10:17You built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself.
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10:17 - 10:19You signed it, "They were wrong."
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10:19 - 10:22Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique.
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10:22 - 10:25Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything.
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10:25 - 10:29Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told,
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10:29 - 10:30because how can you hold your ground
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10:30 - 10:32if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it?
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10:32 - 10:36You have to believe that they were wrong.
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10:36 - 10:39They have to be wrong.
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10:39 - 10:42Why else would we still be here?
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10:42 - 10:45We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
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10:45 - 10:48because we see ourselves in them.
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10:48 - 10:50We stem from a root planted in the belief
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10:50 - 10:53that we are not what we were called.
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10:53 - 10:54We are not abandoned cars stalled out
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10:54 - 10:57and sitting empty on some highway,
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10:57 - 10:59and if in some way we are, don't worry.
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10:59 - 11:01We only got out to walk and get gas.
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11:01 - 11:04We are graduating members from the class of We Made It,
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11:04 - 11:06not the faded echoes of voices crying out,
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11:06 - 11:11"Names will never hurt me."
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11:11 - 11:15Of course they did.
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11:15 - 11:17But our lives will only ever always
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11:17 - 11:20continue to be a balancing act
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11:20 - 11:23that has less to do with pain
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11:23 - 11:27and more to do with beauty.
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11:27 - 11:31(Applause)
- Title:
- To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful
- Speaker:
- Shane Koyczan
- Description:
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By turn hilarious and haunting, poet Shane Koyczan puts his finger on the pulse of what it's like to be young and … different. "To This Day," his spoken-word poem about bullying, captivated millions as a viral video (created, crowd-source style, by 80 animators). Here, he gives a glorious, live reprise with backstory and violin accompaniment by Hannah Epperson.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:03
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Morton Bast approved English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for To This Day ... for the bullied and beautiful |
Krystian Aparta
The English transcript was updated on 6/25/2015.