Watch Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious (Stand Up Comedy)

[Jazz music]

[cheers and applause] Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Alright.

Washington, D.C.

Thank you so much for
coming out to the taping

for my second stand-up special.

[cheers and applause]
Very excited to be here.

Uh... Before we start the show,
I know there's probably

some signs up saying,
no photos and things of that nature,

and that's just because
obviously we're taping this.

And also, when I do these shows,
people can start taking photos,

and there'll be a lot of
flashing and orange lights,

and it can be a little
distracting when I'm trying

to focus on the performance.

But what I've realized is
that, uh, people don't give a shit,

and they take photos anyway,
because there are some shitty people

that come to these shows.

I mean, look how many people are here.

Some of you are shitty people.

There's no question.

If we met in any other context
besides you paying me money

to see me tell jokes,
I'm sure there are some

of you I would hate with a passion.

No question about it.

I really hate some of you a lot.

So what I thought we could
do as a compromise--

right now, before I start the show,

I understand people like photos and stuff,

so right now, before we start the show,

I'm gonna pretend like
I'm in the middle of a joke,

and you can take as many
photos as you want,

and then after that,
we'll have a great show, okay?

(laughter) (cheering)

So here we go, if you want to snap a photo

go for it.

(laughter)

(laughter and chuckling)

Some fake joke where I need to go through

a crawl space.

Let's act like uh, let's act like an

incident happened with a audience member.

Like sir, could you stand up
and act like you're yelling at me--

about something?

(laughter and applause)

So... you can show that photo
to people and tell 'em

"Yeah at one point in the show
this guy just stood up

and was like whites are the superior race"

And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool,
sir, you need to sit down."

All right, cool, everybody good with
photos and everything?

Thank you so much for coming out
I really appreciate you coming out

Thank you so much.

I live, uh - I live in New York right now.

[audience cheers] And--yes.

And I'm single right now, and--

(audience cheers) Oh, shut up.

You don't mean that shit. (laughter)

And whenever I go out to bars there,

I have this one friend of mine.

He's one of these guys
he's like, "Aw, man.

Any cute girl you see,
just go talk to her, man.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

Any cute girl you see,
just say something,

anything, it doesn't matter what.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?"

I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

That girl is gonna be mean as shit
to me for no reason at all.

Why do I want to deal with that?

- Hi how are you?
- Fuck you!

All right. I'll see you later.

I'll go talk to my friend Brian.
He's always nice to me.

And, sure, that's a little bit
of an exaggeration,

but that is how it feels sometimes.

I once went up to this girl
'cause I thought

she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag"
and she said, "Thank you,"

and we started talking,
and she seemed nice.

Then at one point, her friend comes over,

and when the girl's friend comes over,

she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz.

He came to talk to me 'cause
he thought I had a cool bag,"

and rolled her eyes.

And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude.

No reason to do that.

I was just being nice," right?

So I said to myself right there,

"Whenever I leave this conversation,

I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

And... I really like her bag."

So, at one point,

we're sitting there talking,

and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) "

"Hey what's that over there?"

and then I stole her purse.

Yeah.

That bag's mine now.

I never know what to say
to girls in situations like that.

It's always so awkward.

I was having lunch
with a friend of mine once,

and I told him,
"Hey, there's this one girl

that works in this restaurant.

She's so cute, but I don't know what to
say to her

and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do

is go over there and be honest
with her for a minute."

Really? That's all I gotta do?

So I just need to walk over--

"Excuse me, miss.

I just need to be real honest
with you for a minute.

I eat here all the time,
and when I do, I stare at your face.

And I imagine us fucking
while I eat my sandwiches.

Let me know if you'd like to turn
my fantasy into your reality."

I'm not sure that would work out too well.

People always give you
the same dumb advice

in situations like that.

They'll say things like,
"Oh just leave her a big tip."

How does that work?

I just walk over-- "Yes,
can I get a muffin, please?

Here's $100.

I think you know what that means.

I'm willing to have sex
with you for the price of $98."

I was doing that joke
one night, and this guy

in the audience just yells,
"Just tell her you're on TV."

Yeah.

There's no way I'll sound
like a jerk if I do that, right?

"Excuse me, miss.

I'm on TV.

(clears throat) ... I said...

I'm on TV.

I don't know what's going
on here, but this is the part

where you start sucking my dick

I guess that's what some dudes
think being on tv's like.

I just walk into bars
"What's up everybody?

Just so you know someone that's appeared
on television is here.

So if you're interested in giving me a
handjob in the restroom let's line up

to the left."

No. That's not how it works at all.

How it works is I walk into a bar and
5 dudes are like

"Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw
on that thing!

Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't
believe you're here

You've gotta take a photo with me
and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house-

though, we gotta drive there now."
That doesn't sound safe.

I was in a relationship for a few years
and I think

while I was in the relationship
all dating communication went exclusively-

to text. You can't call anybody anymore.

You call someone and they're like
"What? Are you on fire?

Quit wasting my time, text me that shit."

And I don't like texting people.
Especially girls because there's always

miscommunication that happens.

This is a situation I get into all the
time.

I'll text a girl, she texts me back
right away.

I text her right away.
She texts me back right away.

I text her back right away,
She texts me back right away.

I text her back right away
She texts me back right away.

Then I'll say something like
"Alright cool, so you want to get pizza--

on Tuesday?"
And then I don't hear anything.

And I'm like "What just happened?
I know you read that shit. You responded--

to 20 other things I just sent.
What do you not like me anymore?

You don't have two seconds to say
'yes I want to get pizza?'

or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?"

What did you chuck your phone into
a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for--

a few hours? What's the deal?

And after a few hours of no response
I get real upset.

And I just want to send a text that says
something like

"Well guess who just got un invited
to the pizza party?

You didn't 'cus I hate you now."

Girl always writes something back
"Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital-

we had to turn off our phones."

Whatever we're done.
I finished that pizza hours ago.

I'm up with my friend Brian and he's
nice to me.

I went out with this girl in LA
a few times.

She was really nice and last time I was in
LA, I called her up.

And asked her out to dinner and she's
like "Yeah, sure"

Then 2 hours before our date she calls me
up and she goes

"Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner
with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend.

Now is that a problem?"

And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest
problem we could have.

Why would I go out with you
if you kinda have a boyfriend now?"

What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets
to this carnival but you can't ride--

any rides, is that a problem?
Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride--

those rides, that's the whole point of me
going to the carnival.

These tickets you gave me are useless.

Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of
Amazon but I shipped it to my friend

Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem?

Yeah that's a problem,
that's not my address!

And I don't have Lisa's contact info
and now she makes your paninis,

I really want one.
What's the best case scenario?

We go out on this amazing dinner date,
have a fantastic time, come back to my--

place. She's like "Aziz I had a really
time at dinner tonight and I wanna give

you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my
boyfriend's penis instead of yours.

Is that a problem?"

Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're
gonna suck your boyfriend's dick--

at my house.

It's always kinda depressing to me when I
talk to girls who have boyfriends.

Because when you ask then how they met
their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story.

Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was
doing volunteer work and one day he said

something nice to me and gave me a flower
and we started going out."

No. It's always a story like "I was at
the club and this guy came up to me and

was like 'I've been staring at your ass
all night. Is it cool if I take you out

sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'"

Why would you say yes to that?

'I don't know what's the worst that
could happen?'

What's the worst that could happen?
He could put something in your drink

and rape you,
that's the worst that could happen.

He could murder you and use your legs to
make stilts that look like legs.

Another thing that could happen.

But that's my problem is that I think too
much.

Go to a bar and watch people, you see two
different types of guys.

There's one type of guy, that's a guy like
me.

We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin
to each other

'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't
know, I don't know, I don't know.

Let's just talk to each
other tonight Brian.'

Then, there's a second type of dude:
The dumb dudes.

They're at the bar, they don't care about
anything. They're like

"Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop
it in a beer with a bunch of other shit

Ubleeeeheeeeheee,
I'll sing anything to anybody.

Ublaaaagagaaaagaga."

Then they go up to some girl and they're
like "Psexcuse me, excuse me,

Ah, I just wanted to say you look really
beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one

day I'd be able to put my hands on
your titties. My name's Kevin."

"Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my
boyfriend for 3 years?"

"I don't know, is it okay if I'm really
shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever

I want?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll never
break up with you."

Then they leave together. Meanwhile...
I finally get up my courage:

"Uh, that's a nice jacket."

"Get the fuck outta my face."

And then some Indian dude that
recognizes me from the tv

will invite me back
to his dorm to play video games.

Tell me if this ever happens to you guys.

You ever at a party and you're talking to
a guy and you think "Wow, this guy

is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met
maybe all year, what a dumb person

I cannot wait to get outta this
conversation with this dumb person"

And they say something like
"Yeah and I got two kids, "

And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo.
You can't have two kids you're so stupid.

What are you doing raising kids? You're
so dumb! You're raising murderers."

This happens to me all the time. It's so
terrifying.

I was talking to a dude at a party who is
26 years old, had a three year old son.

And I was like "Wow, that's amazing"
And then a few minutes later

I overheard him telling a group of people
the story about how a week earlier he'd

tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni
and cheese.

And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah
woah,

You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl
of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid

the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are
over.

And he's sitting here telling people this
story. And he's like

"Yeah and then I put the condom on"
and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on--

for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not
trying to get cheese all over my dick ."

As if that were a totally reasonable
thing to say.

As if I were the weird one for even
bringing up the question.

Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni.

And I told him, " You don' understand
in this situation, putting the condom on

makes everything way worse." 'Cus that
means the whole time he went to go find a

box of condoms, open the box of condoms,
take the condom out, open the condom

wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go
back to the macaroni.

That whole time he never once thought,
"You know what, maybe I don't need to

fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe
I could do literally anything else and it

would be a better use of my time. "

How are you gonna do something like that
when you have a kid?

What if his kid saw that? He'd never be
able to tell that kid anything.

"Hey be nice to be people, do good in
school."

"Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni
and cheese. Sooo why would I take your--

advice? By the way I'm three years old, my
language skills are very impressive,

Maybe I should just ride this shit out on
my own."

(crowd cheering)

I have, uh, internet access right now.
'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm

sure some of you guys are online as well.
And I like the internet, but it's really

annoying sometimes. Like does this
situation happen to you?

You're sitting at your computer, working
on something really important. And you

think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made
more money than Home Alone 1.

I gotta look into this now. Sorry,
important work, something more pressing

has come up. I do stuff like
that all the time.

And what's so annoying is that once I
start looking into one thing,

I'll see something else I want to
research.

For example, In the Home Alone situation.
Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like

"Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie,
I don't know much about Joe Pesci.

Maybe I should learn everything about
Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing

all this Joe Pesci research. And now
I know so much about Joe Pesci.

But it's useless information, It's never
going to help me.

I never heard of a situation where a guy
been in an alley doing the knife,

"You're gonna die tonight unless you can
tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci

put out when he was a little kid."
"Little Joe sure can sing."

"Damnit, you're free to go. How come so
many people know that? I need to stop

integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my
murders. People know more about him than

I anticipated."

I always waste time like that.
The other night I was up late, I remember

I've never seen any of those Saw movies
before. They're not supposed to be

particularly good movies. But my friend
told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the

twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy."
And I love twists at the end of movies.

So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw
ending' and sure enough the clip comes up

And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz
you didn't see the rest of the movie, the

clip won't make sense."

Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went
on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the

plot summary and when I got to the last
paragraph, I stopped.

Then I went back and watched that video.
And let me tell you I did not see that--

coming."

Someone recently sent me a password
to one of those online porn sites.

And the password worked.

And I don't know if anyone here's
ever had membership access

to any of those sites,
but it is incredible.

If you're kind of on the fence,
like, "i don't know, it just doesn't

seem like it would be
worth it to spend--" do it.

Now, the trend in these sites
is they try to make it seem

like this stuff all really happened.

Like this is real life.

These aren't actors,
this stuff really happened.

So they have dumb names like
"RealLifeDickParty.com"

and the videos are all the same.

These guys go up to
some girls, they're like,

"excuse me, you girls want to come back
to our place and have a dick party?"

and the girls are always like "Yeah!"
and they get in their car,

they drive back to the house,
they have sex, they film it, and it goes

RealLifeDickParty.com!

Does anyone think those clips are real?

If they want people to think it's real,
every now and then,

they should have a clip where
some guys go up to some girls, like,

"excuse me, uh, you girls want
to come back to our place

and have a dick party?"

and the girl's like, "what?

That's disgusting!

"Get out of here you asshole!"
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

then you're at home like,
"man, I guess it is real.

Those girls didn't want to
have a dick party at all.

They just continued on to Whole Foods"

now, the first video I watched
on the site, these guys go

into a doughnut shop, right?

And they're talking to the girls
in the doughnut shop, they're like,

"hey, so, what do you think of us
maybe giving you some money,

and then we can hook up
in the back of the donut shop"

and the girl's like,
"Ok that sounds good!"

she was not a very good actress.

So they go in the back,
and they start hooking up.

So there's a guy hooking up
with a girl in the back

of a doughnut shop.

Now, this guy eventually does
what any reasonable person

would do in that situation,
and he puts a doughnut around his dick.

Now, the woman is performing
fellatio-type services,

and she's getting dangerously
close to this doughnut.

And then at one point, she just
takes a bite of the doughnut.

And I don't know why,
but as soon as that happened,

I just went, "whoa, that was awesome!

What an amazing choice by that actress!

I wonder if that was improvised,
like the doughnut was just there, ..

[chomps] .. And the director
is just [mouthing]

But what does that say about me
as a person that I got so excited?

I guess I just like food too much.

It's a good thing I don't write
the scripts for those videos.

My script would be like,
"all right, so, you pick this girl up

in los angeles, and you drop her off
at this restaurant called animal,

and she orders the
hamachi tostada, the poutine,

the rabbit legs, and the
strawberry pound cake.

And they bring her everything, and
she's like, 'oh, my god,

this looks so good'

And she eats everything.

There's not a bite left.

And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious.

Maybe the best meal I've had all year.
- RealLifeDickParty.com!

you know what's weird about
that doughnut video is,

they filmed it in a real doughnut shop.

Which means they had to pay
a doughnut shop owner

to use that as a location.

But I guess if you're a doughnut shop
owner, the risk is pretty low.

What are the chances of someone
at home watching the video and going,

"oh, no, that's where
I get my doughnuts from!

That's what goes on back there?

I just thought they were putting
chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts"

but that's got to be
happening to some dude.

They film all these videos
in the same town, I imagine.

There's gotta be some dude
waking up every morning like,

"oh, no, not the bank too!

I was supposed to make a deposit today!

And there's jizz everywhere!"

I always thought the best thing
that could happen in the doughnut video

is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut,
and then she just starts walking away.

And the guy's like,
"Hey where are you going?"

and she's like,
"i wasn't trying to suck your dick.

I just wanted a bite of that doughnut.

That looked delicious.

"Bob's doughnuts.

The best doughnuts in town.

We won't make you suck a dick for yours"

I was doing a show one night,
and they had a woman signing my entire act

to the left of the stage, and whenever
I got to that punch line

where I said "Jizz everywhere!"

she went like this.
And.. It was amazing.

I said Jizz everywhere a few more times
just to make sure

I understood what was going on

Coz that had to be an on-the-fly
sign for "Jizz everywhere"

She's like "Ok.. There's jizz
Oh.. oh It's everywhere"

Coz everywhere can't be like
[Nasal Eeeehhhhh]

You'd look crazy;
Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere'

"Hey, I'm new in town.
Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?"

"Oh, those are everywhere!

"There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here"

That's gotta be custom for 'jizz'

Jizz everywhere, the ceiling
the carpet the walls the plates

the tupperware the television,
I don't know what

happened but it's everywhere
and I'm really

sorry about it. Also know that
jizz is just (silly sound)

that's jizz. (mimics sound)

No more thought went into that.

Guys up late developing
sign language, uhh, guys I'm

really tired, can we pick up
tomorrow. I'm really beat

I really need some sleep.
A few more words? Fine.

What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz!

'What if it's everywhere?'

That's Jizz everywhere!

How come I get all the
dirty words? Brian got puppy

I got jizz everywhere?

And the only reason I
bring this up is, you know

it can be days from now, weeks from now

months from now, years
from now, but one day

one of you guys could be walking around

and see a Deaf person about to walk into

a room where there's jizz everywhere

and you'd be like (signs)

and they'll be like (signs)

and they'll head somewhere
else, free of jizz.

I'm from South Carolina and.
thank you. and whenever

I tell people that they're
always like "(gasp) oh no.

but it's so racist there, (whispers)
and your skin is brown"

"how did you survive?"

And sure, certain parts of
South Carolina can be

pretty racist, more racist than
other parts of the country.

But what these people forget
is that the food there

is delicious. So growing up
in South Carolina it's

kind of like "oh that guy
just say the N-word?

Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits,
never mind"

"nom nom nom nom nom nom"

Even if right now, some dude
stood up and was like "hey

I'm going to say a bunch
of racist stuff, but

afterwards I'm going to
give you a biscuit."

I'd be like "that's a weird
deal, but I'll take it"

'Cause I hate racism,
but I love a good biscuit.

I just think it's a little silly
when sometimes people act

as if all the really crazy
racism is just in places like

South Carolina, Alabama,
Mississippi, or whatever

because I've seen crazy
racist stuff happen

everywhere. I have a friend
in LA, he's Korean right?

And he got locked out of his appartment.

So he called a locksmith, ok?

And the locksmith is getting all his info

he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like

"chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that?

The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy

goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are

trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him.

Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow'

so this locksmith does no business with Korean American.

But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would

have to call him before economically he couldn't afford

to be that racist?

Like, what if Korean people just kept calling?

Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would

have made five thousand dollars yesterday

if I didn't hate Korean people.

This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy

America. They can't even find their keys."

But then weirdly, that stereotype would get

integrated into his racism. Like he would see

Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess,

can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent)

Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?"

He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like

"ha! There's something you don't see everyday"

"Korean dude actually had his keys for once"

(mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?"

"na na na na na na na, they're in your house."

Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist.

but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs.

Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that?

As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like

"yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board"

No one was lost.

How are racist things like that so ubiquitous?

At one point do our parents sit us down

"hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian

people is 'ching chong, bing bong'"

"Don't ever say it to them"

"Well if they say something racist to you,

I don't know. I gotta get out of here.

Don't touch that macaroni"

[laughter]

One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs

and see if I could learn anything, and I found

a very interesting article. It was titled

'list of every ethnic slur'

and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them.

and if it's cool with you guys, I would now

like to share a few of my favorites.

now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok?

So they're offensive. They're offensive by their

very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one

and you're offended, there's no reason to be like

"ahhhwwwoooo"

because we all know they're offensive.

So instead you can shut your fucking mouth.

At the same time though

At the same time, I don't want to do this

bit and look at the audience and see some

guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!"

"yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]"

'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end

of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs.

Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory

descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly

caucasian ancestry with real or suspected

distant Asian or African ancestry.

Now, this is a pretty specific situation

to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh

If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is

"You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush"

"Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush"

"This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]"

"You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry

in your predominantly Caucasian face?"

Some of the racial slurs, uh

contained other racial slurs within themselves

they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient

to me. For example, there was one for Native American

people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word.

Whenever I hear that, I imagine this scenario

Some guy's talking to a Native American dude

"Get out of here prairie N-word"

Some black guy's like "what'd you say?"

"Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you."

[laughter]

"Step off"

But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's

like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would

you say that to?"

See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one.

'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it.

See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer"

Anyone have a guess on that one?

Christ killer. Who would you say that to?

Christ killer, killer of Christ.

Did someone say Jewish people? No!

It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people

who hate Asians so much, they blame them

for the death of Christ.

"Christ killer" "But I'm Asian"

"I know. Why do you think God created locks?"

"Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ"

But what I learned reading that list though

is that I think you can make anything sound

racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice

the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful.

Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now.

Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity?

Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat!

Quit laughing kitkat!

See? That started to sound real racist.

[laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah.

That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person.

Aziz must be implying that he's brown on the outside,

wafer like on the inside. [laughter]

I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour

I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting.

I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than

an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys

were at one point the biggest band in the world.

Preforming at arenas and stuff. But at the same time they

were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin

all the time. My body could just not take anything like that.

Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!"

The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did

Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?"

"None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy

and fell off a building" [laughter]

They have all these insane stories about girls. Like

at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right?

But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night

to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside

burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter]

Was a motley crew guy just running around

"Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas

My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her.

What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with

soap and water? No! That won't work!

Why? I don't know!"

"Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The

scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend.

[laughter]

That story is the quintessential difference between

a comedy tour, and a rock tour.

A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like

"yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas

off my dick"

A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter]

I like touring, the only thing
I don't like is the actual

travel itself. Because people can
be so rude when you're

traveling. The rudest person I
ever met in my entire life is

the eastern European customs lady
at the Toranto airport.

What's that lady's problem?
Why's she gotta be so rude?

Customs people are the first people you
meet when you go to a new country.

They should be nice, welcoming.

This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes

"what you are doing here?! [shouting]"

[laughter]

And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?"

She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?"

I was like "you know,
like, filming a movie"

She goes "I know what
it means filming movie. I mean

are you doing the lights? Are you acting?

Are you directing?
I could do without your sarcasm."

I was like, "Why are you being so mean?

I said something and you went
'what it mean shooting movie.'

So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and
I'm trying to explain things to you."

[laughter]

I'm stunned you know what
the word sarcams means

your English is slightly better
than Animal from the Muppet Babies.

And you're yelling at me
like a psychopath.

And I got my stamp and I walked on.
But I kind of

wish I had forgotten the stamp
and turned around

and was like "Guess what?! I lied!"

And then pulled out a DVD
of Jurassic Park and a

hand gun, and was like
"this is what I mean shooting movie"

"Bang bang bang bang bang"

[laughter]

Passengers can also be rude to you also.

I was flying home once and I
was sitting next

to this couple. They had these
two puppies, that they put

under the seats infront of us.

Now, there was an older
couple sitting there

and they said "Hey, you guys mind
moving the puppies

over a little bit so we can put
our jackets under there?"

And the lady with the
puppies is like, "um, no!

We have two puppies,
they need all the room.

Thank you very much"

And I was like, "Whoa.
Why'd you need

to be so rude about that?"

And then she started
talking to her husband.

She's like, "Ugh, can you believe
those people, asking us

to move the puppies for their jackets?

What kind of nerve they have!
Who do they think they are?!"

I was like, "I fucking hate this lady."

(laughter)

So I started chiming in.

I was like, "Yeah, I heard that.

I couldn't believe they'd
ask something like that.

Those people are awful!
Those people are terrible!

Those people deserve to be murdered."

(laughter)

And I didn't say another
word the whole flight.

(laughter)

And then the flight lands.

And the old couple gets up,
they leave the plane.

The young couple's about to get up,
but I hold them down and I go,

"No, no. I got this."

And I step over them and I start
following the old people, right?

The young couple's behind me.

We get outside the airport,
I pull out the gun

that I have from the previous joke--

(laughter)

Loaded two bullets.

I aim it at the old people,
but then I spin around

and I aim it at the puppies.
BANG! BANG!

I shoot both those puppies in the face.

And I go, "Never be
rude to the elderly again!

Have fun burying your dead puppies."

(laughter and applause)

I know what some of you are thinking.

"Oh no, why the puppies get shot?!

The puppies didn't do anything."

I didn't really shoot any puppies.

You were being stupid.

(laughter)

I have met some really interesting people on

tour. One of my favorite people that I've met

was this gentleman who once picked

me up from the airport and drove me to the venue.

And I was talking to this guy, and

I was like "What did you do before you were

a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard"

I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?"

He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus

Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah

out of all the people you've body guarded for

who was the toughest person to do security for?

Who had the craziest fans?"

He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cher"

"Craziest fans. Pauly Shore"

And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong

answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man

can you leave Pauly Shore alone? Thanks."

"Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone."

(laughter)

And then I asked him "What did you do

before you were a celebrity body guard?"

He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour bus."

I said, "How was that?"

He goes "Not fun"

I said "Why?"

He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one

of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder."

(laughter)

That was not what I was expecting him to say.

(laughter)

So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate"

And he told me the story. And basically, any time

he was driving the bus, at one point, one of

Madonna's dancers would just

come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on

his shoulder and this happened so many times

he had to quit his job and get into a new profession.

(laughter)

But I guess that would make you quit any job.

You could be a lawyer, and people'd go

"Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?"

"Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm.

And every time I presented a case, he put his dick

on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now

I work at Quizno's"

Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder

for three hours a day. If at some point, another

guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder

you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the

fuck is this? I never signed up for that.

I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three

hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we

signed man. The language is very specific.

Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows

and toes now. We have a deal. You know what?

That's fine. If this is how you guys run things

I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't

need this shit"

(laughter and clapping)

Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes

to update you on one of my favorite people in the world.

And that's my chubby little cousin Harris.

Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives

in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids

or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on

what he's been up to.

Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't

get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do

check up on him regurlary on his facebook page

and read his status updates.

He recently had a quote up there.

And the quote said, "life's a dirty game

you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter)

"dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one.

(laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original.

That's not from season four of The Wire.

That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once

tole me his favorite food is hot pockets.

(laughter)

What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game,

you've gotta play dirty to win it."

When has Harris played dirty in life?

I can only think of one instance, it's when

he's playing Halo, because as soon as the

board starts, he always knows where the rocket

launchers are and he grabs them and starts

blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does

this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo

with him anymore.

(laughter)

Now I'm sure there's some people here

that have never played Halo, and that doesn't

make any sense, so I will give you an analogy.

Okay? It would be as if you were playing

Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten

and landed on park place. And then Harris

came in with a rocket launcher and blew

everybody up. (laughter)

Last time I spoke with Harris, I said

"What's been going on?" and he said

"I'm applying for college, is there any way

you can help me with my college essays?"

And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're

a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write

is going to be insane. So I can read it to

people in public and it'll help me with

my job." (laughter and cheering)

So I brought along a copy of his essay.

And this is 100% real. The essay is titled,

'All the Small Things'

"Take the thumb, even though it is just

another finger it is the most essential.

It controls everything from eating and drinking

to writing. Interestingly enough I have found

many things in life to be the same way."

Already the essay makes no sense.

When's the last time something interesting

in your life happened, and you thought

'this reminds me of my thumb'?

Never.

He goes on, "It's always the simple things

that have the greatest impact.

The splitting of an atom caused the death

of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned

the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter)

With the simple notion of vending machines

that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two

things are comparable.

200,000 people are dead! And you can rent

Mrs. Doubtfire at the
grocery store now. (laughter)

He goes on to describe a particurlarly

interesting summer where he volunteered at

a local hospital. This is how he described

that experience.
"I was a human wheelbarrow"

And let me tell you, it sucked.

You can't say "it sucked"
in a college essay.

When you use language like that,
you know what "it sucks" means?

You're referring to sucking dick.

So what Harris just said is like, uh,
"Hey, University,

you know what volunteering
and helping people reminded me of?

Putting a penis in my mouth
and sucking it

till it comes in my chubby little cheeks.

Later on, he talks about a particularly
crazy day at the hospital.

"A week after I started,
the incident occurred.

When I set foot in the hospital that day,
it was more crowded than ever.

There weren't any nurses asking me
if I want cookies"

That's his gauge of how crazy
things are at the hospital?

"Why isn't anyone asking me
if I want cookies?

[scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer"

but what happened that day was Harris
ended up meeting a gentleman

who was illiterate, and he'd never met
anyone illiterate before,

and this really affected him.

He described how he felt
when he drove home that day.

"I remembered thinking how bizarre
it was that someone could not read.

What if I couldn't read?

I wouldn't be able to text my friends
movie times or even order cheese biscuits

from Red Lobster.

these are the things that come to harris'
mind when he imagines

a world where he can't read.

First of all, you could easily do both
those things if you couldn't read.

I don't think illiterate people see
movie posters and numbers

and are like, "no clue what that means.

Can't pieсe that together".

Now, the red lobster thing is weird also,
'cause I don't know how many

of you all have been to red lobster,
but if you've been there, you know

no one orders the cheese biscuits;
those are complimentary.

They just sit 'em down at your
table as soon as you get there.

So what's harris talking about?

I'm guessing this is what happens.

He finishes his biscuits, and he sees
on the menu it says,

"if you finish your biscuits, feel free
to order more" he's like, "whew!

Thank god I can read.

More biscuits please!"

so I told him, I said, "Harris,
you can't send this essay.

It's too crazy.

Let me do a rewrite."

I did a rewrite, which he rejected,
but I will share with you now.

"I once volunteered at a hospital.

It sucked dick, but I did
get to eat free cookies.

And let me tell you,
I will suck dick for cookies.

One day, I met a man who was illiterate.

It really affected me.

It made me realize the world
is full of great tragedies.

9/11, The time I overcooked that
hot pocket, and here, this man.

He couldn't read.

How would he find a box of
bagel bites at the grocery store?

Even if he found the box of
bagel bites, how would he read

the directions to cook the bagel bites?

Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites?

I ate six of 'em one day,
and it was disgusting.

My name is Harris.

I hope you consider accepting
me into your university.

By the way, during registration,
will there be free cookies,

or will I need to suck someone's dick?

Life's a dirty game.

You gotta play dirty to win it"

[cheers and applause]

I used to kid Harris for being chubby,
but he's actually not chubby anymore.

He had a growth spurt,
and he stretched out.

He's fine.

But a few months ago, I was actually
worried that I was getting chubby.

I saw a photo of me on the internet,
and in the comments,

someone wrote, "whoa!
Who ate Aziz Ansari?"

which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense.

If someone ate me, they wouldn't
assume my form all of a sudden.

"Why do you look like that g--"
- I just ate him!

but the person was right.

I gained 12 pounds.

So I started exercising at the gym,
lost the weight right away.

But I didn't always like the stuff
the people at the gym would tell me.

They would say things like, "hey, Aziz,
you see this new study on yahoo news?

It says any food you would have to eat
after 11:00 goes straight

to your belly you should cut out
those late night snacks.

and I would always want
to say, "oh, really?

There's this other study I heard about
that says, uh, if you have a lot of

alcohol in your system and you eat
a quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning,

it's delicious.

Yeah.

I did that study last night. Twice."

[cheers and applause] But I love food.

I love going out to eat at
restaurants and stuff.

It's really something I like a lot.

I was eating at one of my favorite
restaurants in New York not too long ago,

and I was having dinner with
a friend, and he's like,

"Aziz, what have you been up to?"

and I said, "shut up.

50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need
to hear everything he says"

And 50 cent did not disappoint.

50 Cent, the rapper, ordered
a grapefruit soda.

The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda.

And then 50 cent said the greatest thing
anyone could ever say

when they see a grapefruit soda.

He looks at the waiter, and
he goes, "Why isn't this purple?"

and it took me a few seconds,
and then I realized, "Oh, my God.

50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is.

Excuse me, everybody
in the restaurant, shut up.

A waiter's about to explain to
a grown man what a grapefruit is."

you realize how amazing this is?

There are parents that aren't there
when their children

learns what a grapefruit is.

I am there for that moment
in rapper 50 cent's life.

This guy leaves the restaurant,
he's gonna know about a new fruit.

And the exchange was just glorious.

The waiter struggling to explain the
concept of a grapefruit to a man

who just didn't get it.

He was like, "no, you don't understand.

They're two different things.

Grape, grapefruit.

Grape, grapefruit.

"I know grapes are fruits.
Why do you keep saying it like that?"

No, it's just one word. Grapefruit.

you know, it's just one--
it's a different--"

"i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit,
orange-fruit, carrot-vegetable.

No that's not it at all.

And it just blew my mind.

How does 50 cent not know
what a grapefruit is?

This guy's been rich for so long.

He has to run into a grapefruit
every now and then.

I do okay.

I see grapefruits every fucking day.

What happens when he sees a grapefruit?

Is he just like:

"What's up with those oranges?

They're all red and shit.

And they're big as fuck!

They're looking at me weird!
Shot those niggas!

[imitates gunfire]

When you do this kind of work,

a lot of people write stuff

about you on the internet

and sometimes people write mean things

and the smart thing to do is just ignore that.

But sometimes I would argue with people

because, I like arguing

yeah, every now and then but

I recently put an end to all of it.

And I wanted to share with you guys what happened

the last time I got into an argument online.

It started when my email wasn't working.

so I went on my website

and I wrote,

"If Gmail even messes up a little bit, I get upset

it's a little unreasonable,

but seriously, send my email, Gmail!"

and then a guy writes back and says:

"Dude. You're complaining about

a free email service?

Maybe use some of your hollywood money

to buy a real email account. TURD"

Which seemed a little aggressive.

So I wrote him back and said:

"Hey, man, I was joking,

and even said it's unreasonable.

So go fuck a bucket of dogshit!"

And then he goes:

"Oh sorry, didn't mean to suggest you should

use a little of that money you have

instead of crying like a bitch."

At this point, I decided to

take things up a notch. I said:

"I hope four hippopotamuses force you

to blow them and they all cum on your face

simultaneously, and you choke on hippo cum

and DIE."

Cause that will probably be a pretty rough way to go...

Imagine you're just at your house,

just like making eggs or something,

Ding Dong! Oh, a hippo was here,

four hippos, what do you guys need?

and the hippos are just like

"Suck our DICKS."

Even logistically, this is going to be rough.

I mean you got four hippos lined up in your house

and you gotta blow them at the same time

"uhhh uh uhhh uhhhh" [blowing hippo sounds]

and then eventually the hippos are like:

"We're about to cuuuuum!"

Because that's what talking hippos do in that

situation.

and then it starts

[blasting sounds]

and he's like "ah, oh no,

oh no, oh no, I'm choking, I'm not going to make it,

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die

I need to email my family and tell

them I love them

Fuck! Gmail's down. That guy was right.

So I wrote that up there

And then he responded and said

"Here's a tip, don't use the word seriously

when you're joking. You want to

come down to SD and talk that big boy

talk face to face?"

I'm assuming SD stands for South Dakota.

Which doesn't intimidate me

at all.

I will go to South Dakota and fuck somebody up.

Not for real, because I'm small,

But I'll say shit like that when I'm online.

So I kinda want to end this argument, so I tell him

"Look. You're the only one of thousands

who had this impression of me,

maybe you should just look up sarcasm

in the dictionary."

and he goes:

"You can't tell sarcasm from text Akbar,

but nice try."

and I said:

"Well that's strange! Cause everyone who didn't

have the veiny shaft of a huge hippo

cock deep in their throat,

could, KEITH. Yeah, I called you

Keith, a random white guy name,

Just like you cleverly did to me,

with 'Akbar'. By the way,

the previous use of the word 'cleverly',

was SARCASTIC. Could you tell it by

reading it, you dumb piece of shit?"

and then he wrote back:

"Whatever, you jawwah. "

And I didn't know what that meant.

I had to look it up!

That's a sign of terribly ineffective racism.

You can't say something racist

to someone and then go "hey,

what'd you say? Spell that for me.

I need to look that up."

It's got to be immediate.

But I looked it up and apparently "jahwah"

is some Star Wars character.

That's like small and wears a hood

and it's brown, and yellow eyes,

I don't know, it doesn't offend me.

But, I love the idea

of a guy that's really racist,

and really into Star Wars.

That is an amazing combination

I would love to hang out with that dude

for a while. I would go to the movies

with him whenever I could

Because, at one point, I feel like he would

stand up and he'd say something like

"Damn it! I can't hear the movie because

all these Darth Vaders won't shut the

fuck up!"

So, at this point, I don't have time for this guy

I'm a busy guy. I've got

Joe Pesci research piling up.

And, I tell him,

"Look. I don't have time to argue with a guy

who's integrating racism and Star Wars trivia."

and he goes:

"This ceased to be an argument four

hours ago. I just wanted to see some

deedless idiot get all worked up

over his tiny pecker."

and I said, "well,

every pecker must seem tiny after

all the huge hippo cocks you've had

in your mouth, go suck more of 'em!

You got a touch of the tar brush!"

[applause]

I've had a really fun year this year

I had a really fun new year's

But it was also one of the most embarrassing,

humiliating, terrifying moments of my

recent life. I went to a JZ concert

in Las Vegas for New Years.

Which was, yes, is a lot of fun

and uh, after the show

they had an afterparty for everyone who went

to the concert and it was a lot of fun

and everyone's hanging out

and then at one point JZ came out

behind the DJ booth, and was rapping along

with all the songs, and everyone was going

crazy, and having a good time

and JZ brought the music down

and he started talking to the crowd

and he was like:

"Hey everybody, just wanted to wish you a

happy New Year's, It's a really special night

tonight, we got a lot of great people in the

building tonight, we got me, JZ, we got

we got Beyonce in the building,

we got Rihanna in the building,"

and I looked at my friend Al and I was like

"We got Aziz in the building!"

and then JZ goes

"We got Aziz in the building,"

and I was like Oh shit!

I'm in the building! I had

no idea I was in the building! I've

never been a part of building announcements

before! No one's ever excited about me

being in a building.

It's never like "Aziz is in the building!"

It's always like "Ts. Aziz is in the building?

Let's go to another building.

This building has got really low standards."

So he said that I was like oh

that was nice of him to give me a little

shoutout or whatever, but

that's when things got terrible.

After he said that he goes:

"Yo Aziz! Come up here and tell everybody

a joke!" And I was like "Ah no!"

This is 4 AM on New Year's, I'm out of

of my head, I'm not in a condition

to tell jokes. But he keeps pushing it

He's like "Nah man, come up here and tell

everybody a New Year's Day joke."

A "New Year's Day" joke?

That's a really specific request.

What...what would that even be.

What did one bird say to the other bird?

"Wow this year really flew by!"

Back to JZ everyone!

But he kept pushing this, and he would

not stop. And eventually, I just had to

go up there. And I'll do my best

to recreate what happened when I took

the stage. He passes me the mic.

"Umm... hello. Okay uh...

One time um... this restaurant went to my house

Ahahahah that didn't happen,

that's not how that one goes...

[yawn] I'm sleepy. Happy New Year!"

And I gave the mic back to JZ.

And the jiggaman was not pleased.

He grabbed the mic and made this weird

face. And I was like oh no I let him down,

I gotta think of something funny,

so I thought of something funny to say

and I reached back for the mic,

and he was like "No! You had your chance

to be funny, and you missed it!"

and I was like "Oh no!"

But I get it. Because JZ is the smoothest

man of all time. His life operates in

a different way than mine. He can't

comprehend the levels of unsmoothness

that go on with me.

Like if JZ slipped on a banana peel,

he would just put his other foot on the

banana peel and just slide wherever

he was going.

"Man, I got here even faster than I

anticipated! Haha! Thanks, banana peel!"

My life is the opposite.

My life is me spilling mustard on my shirt

all the time. JZ is never going to spill

mustard on his shirt.

Even if mustard was about to land on his

shirt, someone else would coincidentally

be passing him a hotdog, and the

mustard would just go "bum, bum bum bum"

and he grabbed the hotdog and would be like

"Yo man can I get some mus- Haha!

you about to take a bite of the world's greatest..."

[groovy eating sounds]

[applause]

Before I leave, I wanted to talk about

R. Kelly for a second.

Um, when I was putting together the

material for this special, I was thinking like,

I don't need to talk about R. Kelly.

I've discussed him in the past.

No reason to talk about him anymore.

And I wasn't going to do it.

But here's the problem:

R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things.

So I'm conflicted about this

but this is what R.Kelly's been up to.

Uh, he put out a song last year called "Echo"

and in the song, he's talking about hooking

up with a girl and trying to make her echo.

That's weird.

I have never been hooking up with a woman

and her being like "AZIZ AZIz Aziz Aziz Aziz..."

Cause I would think "Oh no, I'm hooking up,

with a ghost!"

But he put this song out, and I guess what

happened is there were some R. Kelly fans

that didn't know what an echo is.

So what do you do if you're R. Kelly in

that situation?

What are you gonna, post a video online

defining the word echo?

YES.

That's exactly what he did.

And the video went like this.

He comes on the screen and he's like

"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know what

an echo is. Now an echo is just basically

like you know when you standing

on top of a mountain and you go

"Hello!" and you hear "hello hello hello..."

That's an echo.

End of video.

Then I said, uh,

that's the most amazing thing I've seen

in quite a while.

How do we get R. Kelly in touch

with the Merriam Webster people

in order to start funding for the online

R. Kelly video dictionary.

That's gotta happen, at some point,

in our lifetime.

Wouldn't that be amazing?

Type in any word. CheeseBurger.

"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know

what a cheeseburger is. You know

when you go to McDonalds and you

order a cheeseburger?

That's a cheeseburger."

See also: related words:

"Veggie Burger":

"You know when you get a cheeseburger and

it tastes funny?

That's a veggie burger.

Or uh..." Juice Box".

"Alright y'all some of y'all don't know

what a juice box is. Uh, you know when you

making love to a woman and you holding

on to her booty and you like oh my god

this is the most amazing booty I've ever

held onto in my life, I cannot let go of this

booty for whatever reason, I cannot let go

But you get really thirsty, that's when you

can reach for your juicebox."

[straw sounds]

Or uh, "ATM machine"

"Alright y'all, some of y'all don't know what

an ATM is. You know uh, an ATM machine,

is a machine where you put a card in,

and you get money out, and you get your

money out, and you can leave.

Or if you got a girl with you

you can put her up against the ATM machine

and just gri-i-i-i-i-i-i-nd.

(singing) She's got her hands on your thing

You've got your hands on her titties

you about to make love to this

itty-bitty. Ya'll are

fucking by the ATM

fucking by the ATM

fucking by the ATMMMMMMM

Withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit

withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit

Damn girl I need additional funds

And that's an ATM.

Thank you guys so much!

Thank you very very much!

Thank you so much for coming out!

You're a fantastic audience!

Good night, Thank you!

[applause]