WEBVTT 00:00:04.054 --> 00:00:58.421 [Jazz music] 00:00:59.086 --> 00:01:09.856 [cheers and applause] Thank you. 00:01:10.779 --> 00:01:12.348 Thank you very much. 00:01:12.348 --> 00:01:13.855 Thank you so much. 00:01:13.855 --> 00:01:15.269 Thank you very much. 00:01:15.659 --> 00:01:17.199 Alright. 00:01:17.697 --> 00:01:18.755 Washington, D.C. 00:01:18.755 --> 00:01:21.085 Thank you so much for coming out to the taping 00:01:21.089 --> 00:01:23.114 for my second stand-up special. 00:01:23.114 --> 00:01:29.203 [cheers and applause] Very excited to be here. 00:01:29.203 --> 00:01:33.254 Uh... Before we start the show, I know there's probably 00:01:33.254 --> 00:01:36.599 some signs up saying, no photos and things of that nature, 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:38.881 and that's just because obviously we're taping this. 00:01:38.881 --> 00:01:41.482 And also, when I do these shows, people can start taking photos, 00:01:41.482 --> 00:01:44.203 and there'll be a lot of flashing and orange lights, 00:01:44.203 --> 00:01:46.450 and it can be a little distracting when I'm trying 00:01:46.450 --> 00:01:48.042 to focus on the performance. 00:01:48.042 --> 00:01:50.562 But what I've realized is that, uh, people don't give a shit, 00:01:50.562 --> 00:01:55.062 and they take photos anyway, because there are some shitty people 00:01:55.062 --> 00:01:56.718 that come to these shows. 00:01:56.718 --> 00:01:58.788 I mean, look how many people are here. 00:01:58.788 --> 00:02:00.119 Some of you are shitty people. 00:02:00.119 --> 00:02:02.569 There's no question. 00:02:02.569 --> 00:02:05.461 If we met in any other context besides you paying me money 00:02:05.461 --> 00:02:07.457 to see me tell jokes, I'm sure there are some 00:02:07.457 --> 00:02:09.350 of you I would hate with a passion. 00:02:09.350 --> 00:02:11.791 No question about it. 00:02:11.791 --> 00:02:13.963 I really hate some of you a lot. 00:02:17.123 --> 00:02:21.206 So what I thought we could do as a compromise-- 00:02:21.206 --> 00:02:22.859 right now, before I start the show, 00:02:22.859 --> 00:02:24.699 I understand people like photos and stuff, 00:02:24.699 --> 00:02:25.394 so right now, before we start the show, 00:02:25.394 --> 00:02:28.107 I'm gonna pretend like I'm in the middle of a joke, 00:02:28.107 --> 00:02:30.471 and you can take as many photos as you want, 00:02:30.471 --> 00:02:30.721 and then after that, we'll have a great show, okay? 00:02:31.564 --> 00:02:33.012 (laughter) (cheering) 00:02:33.012 --> 00:02:34.094 So here we go, if you want to snap a photo 00:02:34.094 --> 00:02:34.939 go for it. 00:02:34.939 --> 00:02:42.682 (laughter) 00:02:42.682 --> 00:02:49.834 (laughter and chuckling) 00:02:49.834 --> 00:02:51.154 Some fake joke where I need to go through 00:02:51.154 --> 00:02:54.286 a crawl space. 00:02:54.286 --> 00:02:56.599 Let's act like uh, let's act like an 00:02:56.599 --> 00:02:58.081 incident happened with a audience member. 00:02:58.081 --> 00:03:00.735 Like sir, could you stand up and act like you're yelling at me-- 00:03:00.735 --> 00:03:01.760 about something? 00:03:01.760 --> 00:03:07.438 (laughter and applause) 00:03:07.438 --> 00:03:10.901 So... you can show that photo to people and tell 'em 00:03:10.901 --> 00:03:13.045 "Yeah at one point in the show this guy just stood up 00:03:13.045 --> 00:03:15.367 and was like whites are the superior race" 00:03:15.367 --> 00:03:18.439 And Aziz is like "Woah that's not cool, sir, you need to sit down." 00:03:19.529 --> 00:03:22.688 All right, cool, everybody good with photos and everything? 00:03:22.688 --> 00:03:26.438 Thank you so much for coming out I really appreciate you coming out 00:03:26.438 --> 00:03:28.498 Thank you so much. 00:03:29.238 --> 00:03:32.197 I live, uh - I live in New York right now. 00:03:32.197 --> 00:03:34.887 [audience cheers] And--yes. 00:03:34.980 --> 00:03:37.392 And I'm single right now, and-- 00:03:37.524 --> 00:03:40.134 (audience cheers) Oh, shut up. 00:03:40.134 --> 00:03:42.490 You don't mean that shit. (laughter) 00:03:42.490 --> 00:03:45.431 And whenever I go out to bars there, 00:03:45.431 --> 00:03:46.947 I have this one friend of mine. 00:03:46.947 --> 00:03:49.231 He's one of these guys he's like, "Aw, man. 00:03:49.231 --> 00:03:52.318 Any cute girl you see, just go talk to her, man. 00:03:52.318 --> 00:03:53.082 What's gonna happen? 00:03:53.082 --> 00:03:53.839 What's gonna happen? 00:03:53.839 --> 00:03:54.937 What's gonna happen? 00:03:54.937 --> 00:03:56.162 Any cute girl you see, just say something, 00:03:56.162 --> 00:03:58.542 anything, it doesn't matter what. 00:03:58.542 --> 00:03:59.647 What's gonna happen? 00:03:59.647 --> 00:03:59.897 What's gonna happen? 00:03:59.897 --> 00:04:00.212 What's gonna happen?" 00:04:00.212 --> 00:04:02.513 I'll tell you what's gonna happen. 00:04:02.513 --> 00:04:06.279 That girl is gonna be mean as shit to me for no reason at all. 00:04:06.612 --> 00:04:08.646 Why do I want to deal with that? 00:04:08.646 --> 00:04:10.928 - Hi how are you? - Fuck you! 00:04:10.928 --> 00:04:13.235 All right. I'll see you later. 00:04:13.235 --> 00:04:16.414 I'll go talk to my friend Brian. He's always nice to me. 00:04:16.414 --> 00:04:19.816 And, sure, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, 00:04:19.816 --> 00:04:21.511 but that is how it feels sometimes. 00:04:21.511 --> 00:04:23.130 I once went up to this girl 'cause I thought 00:04:23.130 --> 00:04:24.807 she had a cool purse on her shoulder. 00:04:24.807 --> 00:04:27.628 I said, "Hey, that's a nice bag" and she said, "Thank you," 00:04:27.628 --> 00:04:29.381 and we started talking, and she seemed nice. 00:04:29.381 --> 00:04:31.547 Then at one point, her friend comes over, 00:04:31.547 --> 00:04:32.924 and when the girl's friend comes over, 00:04:32.924 --> 00:04:34.700 she goes, "Oh, hey. This is Aziz. 00:04:34.700 --> 00:04:36.780 He came to talk to me 'cause he thought I had a cool bag," 00:04:36.780 --> 00:04:38.519 and rolled her eyes. 00:04:38.519 --> 00:04:40.458 And I thought, "Wow, that's really rude. 00:04:40.458 --> 00:04:41.482 No reason to do that. 00:04:41.482 --> 00:04:42.653 I was just being nice," right? 00:04:42.653 --> 00:04:44.200 So I said to myself right there, 00:04:44.200 --> 00:04:45.764 "Whenever I leave this conversation, 00:04:45.764 --> 00:04:49.644 I'm gonna make sure this girl knows I don't give a shit about her, 00:04:49.644 --> 00:04:54.318 And... I really like her bag." 00:04:55.596 --> 00:04:57.033 So, at one point, 00:04:57.033 --> 00:04:57.824 we're sitting there talking, 00:04:57.824 --> 00:04:59.500 and I was like, .." (feigns laughter) " 00:04:59.500 --> 00:05:00.284 "Hey what's that over there?" 00:05:00.284 --> 00:05:02.984 and then I stole her purse. 00:05:02.984 --> 00:05:04.917 Yeah. 00:05:04.917 --> 00:05:08.134 That bag's mine now. 00:05:10.320 --> 00:05:12.017 I never know what to say to girls in situations like that. 00:05:12.017 --> 00:05:13.321 It's always so awkward. 00:05:13.670 --> 00:05:15.455 I was having lunch with a friend of mine once, 00:05:15.455 --> 00:05:17.358 and I told him, "Hey, there's this one girl 00:05:17.358 --> 00:05:18.594 that works in this restaurant. 00:05:18.594 --> 00:05:20.584 She's so cute, but I don't know what to say to her 00:05:20.584 --> 00:05:22.878 and he goes, "Oh, man, all you gotta do 00:05:22.878 --> 00:05:24.618 is go over there and be honest with her for a minute." 00:05:24.618 --> 00:05:26.916 Really? That's all I gotta do? 00:05:26.916 --> 00:05:28.766 So I just need to walk over-- 00:05:28.766 --> 00:05:30.133 "Excuse me, miss. 00:05:30.133 --> 00:05:32.050 I just need to be real honest with you for a minute. 00:05:32.050 --> 00:05:37.283 I eat here all the time, and when I do, I stare at your face. 00:05:38.328 --> 00:05:40.734 And I imagine us fucking while I eat my sandwiches. 00:05:42.329 --> 00:05:46.909 Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy into your reality." 00:05:48.382 --> 00:05:51.310 I'm not sure that would work out too well. 00:05:51.904 --> 00:05:53.282 People always give you the same dumb advice 00:05:53.282 --> 00:05:54.685 in situations like that. 00:05:54.685 --> 00:05:56.854 They'll say things like, "Oh just leave her a big tip." 00:05:56.854 --> 00:05:58.417 How does that work? 00:05:58.417 --> 00:05:59.859 I just walk over-- "Yes, can I get a muffin, please? 00:05:59.859 --> 00:06:03.624 Here's $100. 00:06:03.624 --> 00:06:05.888 I think you know what that means. 00:06:05.888 --> 00:06:09.784 I'm willing to have sex with you for the price of $98." 00:06:14.849 --> 00:06:16.228 I was doing that joke one night, and this guy 00:06:16.228 --> 00:06:18.357 in the audience just yells, "Just tell her you're on TV." 00:06:18.357 --> 00:06:19.908 Yeah. 00:06:19.908 --> 00:06:21.976 There's no way I'll sound like a jerk if I do that, right? 00:06:21.976 --> 00:06:23.585 "Excuse me, miss. 00:06:23.585 --> 00:06:25.690 I'm on TV. 00:06:25.690 --> 00:06:28.785 (clears throat) ... I said... 00:06:28.785 --> 00:06:34.086 I'm on TV. 00:06:34.086 --> 00:06:35.778 I don't know what's going on here, but this is the part 00:06:35.778 --> 00:06:38.539 where you start sucking my dick 00:06:43.369 --> 00:06:45.735 I guess that's what some dudes think being on tv's like. 00:06:45.735 --> 00:06:47.724 I just walk into bars "What's up everybody? 00:06:47.724 --> 00:06:51.120 Just so you know someone that's appeared on television is here. 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:53.215 So if you're interested in giving me a handjob in the restroom let's line up 00:06:53.215 --> 00:06:55.229 to the left." 00:06:55.741 --> 00:06:57.845 No. That's not how it works at all. 00:06:57.845 --> 00:07:01.166 How it works is I walk into a bar and 5 dudes are like 00:07:01.166 --> 00:07:04.264 "Oh, man there's that brown guy I saw on that thing! 00:07:04.264 --> 00:07:08.597 Eeeeeeey, oh man, oh man, bro I can't believe you're here 00:07:08.597 --> 00:07:12.104 You've gotta take a photo with me and my puppy. My puppy's back at my house- 00:07:12.104 --> 00:07:18.143 though, we gotta drive there now." That doesn't sound safe. 00:07:22.936 --> 00:07:25.087 I was in a relationship for a few years and I think 00:07:25.087 --> 00:07:29.553 while I was in the relationship all dating communication went exclusively- 00:07:29.553 --> 00:07:32.199 to text. You can't call anybody anymore. 00:07:32.199 --> 00:07:34.780 You call someone and they're like "What? Are you on fire? 00:07:34.780 --> 00:07:36.847 Quit wasting my time, text me that shit." 00:07:36.847 --> 00:07:41.609 And I don't like texting people. Especially girls because there's always 00:07:41.609 --> 00:07:43.463 miscommunication that happens. 00:07:43.463 --> 00:07:45.390 This is a situation I get into all the time. 00:07:45.390 --> 00:07:47.540 I'll text a girl, she texts me back right away. 00:07:47.540 --> 00:07:49.565 I text her right away. She texts me back right away. 00:07:49.565 --> 00:07:51.811 I text her back right away, She texts me back right away. 00:07:51.811 --> 00:07:55.015 I text her back right away She texts me back right away. 00:07:55.015 --> 00:07:57.274 Then I'll say something like "Alright cool, so you want to get pizza-- 00:07:57.274 --> 00:08:00.658 on Tuesday?" And then I don't hear anything. 00:08:00.658 --> 00:08:04.855 And I'm like "What just happened? I know you read that shit. You responded-- 00:08:04.855 --> 00:08:07.504 to 20 other things I just sent. What do you not like me anymore? 00:08:07.504 --> 00:08:09.459 You don't have two seconds to say 'yes I want to get pizza?' 00:08:09.459 --> 00:08:11.203 or 'no I don't want to get pizza'?" 00:08:11.203 --> 00:08:13.743 What did you chuck your phone into a locker and go ride a rollercoaster for-- 00:08:13.743 --> 00:08:18.262 a few hours? What's the deal? 00:08:19.132 --> 00:08:21.512 And after a few hours of no response I get real upset. 00:08:21.512 --> 00:08:23.949 And I just want to send a text that says something like 00:08:23.949 --> 00:08:27.935 "Well guess who just got un invited to the pizza party? 00:08:27.935 --> 00:08:30.726 You didn't 'cus I hate you now." 00:08:31.783 --> 00:08:34.055 Girl always writes something back "Sorry I was at my niece's ballet recital- 00:08:34.055 --> 00:08:35.211 we had to turn off our phones." 00:08:35.211 --> 00:08:38.340 Whatever we're done. I finished that pizza hours ago. 00:08:39.141 --> 00:08:41.610 I'm up with my friend Brian and he's nice to me. 00:08:45.216 --> 00:08:47.929 I went out with this girl in LA a few times. 00:08:47.929 --> 00:08:50.573 She was really nice and last time I was in LA, I called her up. 00:08:50.573 --> 00:08:52.643 And asked her out to dinner and she's like "Yeah, sure" 00:08:52.643 --> 00:08:56.884 Then 2 hours before our date she calls me up and she goes 00:08:56.884 --> 00:09:00.308 "Aziz, I really want to go out to dinner with you, but I kinda have a boyfriend. 00:09:00.308 --> 00:09:02.090 Now is that a problem?" 00:09:02.090 --> 00:09:05.456 And I said "Yeah it's kinda the biggest problem we could have. 00:09:05.456 --> 00:09:09.570 Why would I go out with you if you kinda have a boyfriend now?" 00:09:09.570 --> 00:09:13.482 What's next? Hey Aziz, i got you tickets to this carnival but you can't ride-- 00:09:13.482 --> 00:09:16.612 any rides, is that a problem? Yeah it's a problem! I wanted to ride-- 00:09:16.612 --> 00:09:19.896 those rides, that's the whole point of me going to the carnival. 00:09:19.896 --> 00:09:23.948 These tickets you gave me are useless. 00:09:23.948 --> 00:09:26.952 Hey Aziz, I got you a panini press off of Amazon but I shipped it to my friend 00:09:26.952 --> 00:09:28.843 Lisa instead of you. Is that a problem? 00:09:28.843 --> 00:09:31.730 Yeah that's a problem, that's not my address! 00:09:31.730 --> 00:09:34.663 And I don't have Lisa's contact info and now she makes your paninis, 00:09:34.663 --> 00:09:42.429 I really want one. What's the best case scenario? 00:09:42.429 --> 00:09:45.266 We go out on this amazing dinner date, have a fantastic time, come back to my-- 00:09:45.266 --> 00:09:49.898 place. She's like "Aziz I had a really time at dinner tonight and I wanna give 00:09:49.898 --> 00:09:53.250 you a blowjob. But, I'm gonna use my boyfriend's penis instead of yours. 00:09:53.250 --> 00:09:54.911 Is that a problem?" 00:09:54.911 --> 00:09:59.586 Yeah that's a problem. Sounds like you're gonna suck your boyfriend's dick-- 00:09:59.586 --> 00:10:01.690 at my house. 00:10:07.740 --> 00:10:11.487 It's always kinda depressing to me when I talk to girls who have boyfriends. 00:10:11.487 --> 00:10:16.097 Because when you ask then how they met their boyfriend, It's never a sweet story. 00:10:16.603 --> 00:10:18.905 Like "Oh he was this nice guy and he was doing volunteer work and one day he said 00:10:18.905 --> 00:10:22.331 something nice to me and gave me a flower and we started going out." 00:10:22.331 --> 00:10:26.058 No. It's always a story like "I was at the club and this guy came up to me and 00:10:26.160 --> 00:10:31.029 was like 'I've been staring at your ass all night. Is it cool if I take you out 00:10:31.029 --> 00:10:34.785 sometime?' And I was like 'Yeah!'" 00:10:36.484 --> 00:10:37.778 Why would you say yes to that? 00:10:37.778 --> 00:10:39.998 'I don't know what's the worst that could happen?' 00:10:39.998 --> 00:10:42.644 What's the worst that could happen? He could put something in your drink 00:10:42.644 --> 00:10:45.232 and rape you, that's the worst that could happen. 00:10:45.232 --> 00:10:47.920 He could murder you and use your legs to make stilts that look like legs. 00:10:47.920 --> 00:10:51.115 Another thing that could happen. 00:10:51.115 --> 00:10:54.266 But that's my problem is that I think too much. 00:10:54.266 --> 00:10:59.233 Go to a bar and watch people, you see two different types of guys. 00:10:59.233 --> 00:11:01.189 There's one type of guy, that's a guy like me. 00:11:01.189 --> 00:11:03.088 We're usually sittin' in the corner talkin to each other 00:11:03.088 --> 00:11:05.436 'Eee, ee, I don't know, ooouhhh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. 00:11:05.436 --> 00:11:08.795 Let's just talk to each other tonight Brian.' 00:11:08.795 --> 00:11:14.036 Then, there's a second type of dude: The dumb dudes. 00:11:14.036 --> 00:11:15.733 They're at the bar, they don't care about anything. They're like 00:11:15.733 --> 00:11:18.817 "Give me a shot of Jagermeister, drop it in a beer with a bunch of other shit 00:11:18.817 --> 00:11:23.101 Ubleeeeheeeeheee, I'll sing anything to anybody. 00:11:23.101 --> 00:11:24.957 Ublaaaagagaaaagaga." 00:11:24.957 --> 00:11:28.253 Then they go up to some girl and they're like "Psexcuse me, excuse me, 00:11:28.253 --> 00:11:33.521 Ah, I just wanted to say you look really beautiful tonight, and I was hoping one 00:11:33.521 --> 00:11:39.252 day I'd be able to put my hands on your titties. My name's Kevin." 00:11:39.252 --> 00:11:42.994 "Hi Kevin, I'm Lisa do you wanna be my boyfriend for 3 years?" 00:11:42.994 --> 00:11:46.833 "I don't know, is it okay if I'm really shitty to you? Cheat on your whenever 00:11:46.833 --> 00:11:47.931 I want?" 00:11:47.931 --> 00:11:51.195 "Yeah, that's fine. I'll never break up with you." 00:11:51.195 --> 00:11:53.627 Then they leave together. Meanwhile... I finally get up my courage: 00:11:53.627 --> 00:11:55.048 "Uh, that's a nice jacket." 00:11:55.048 --> 00:11:59.391 "Get the fuck outta my face." 00:11:59.391 --> 00:12:02.014 And then some Indian dude that recognizes me from the tv 00:12:02.014 --> 00:12:05.562 will invite me back to his dorm to play video games. 00:12:16.681 --> 00:12:18.494 Tell me if this ever happens to you guys. 00:12:18.494 --> 00:12:22.611 You ever at a party and you're talking to a guy and you think "Wow, this guy 00:12:22.611 --> 00:12:28.467 is so dumb, he's the dumbest guy I met maybe all year, what a dumb person 00:12:28.467 --> 00:12:31.783 I cannot wait to get outta this conversation with this dumb person" 00:12:31.783 --> 00:12:33.710 And they say something like "Yeah and I got two kids, " 00:12:33.710 --> 00:12:37.897 And you're like [gasp] "Nooooooooo. You can't have two kids you're so stupid. 00:12:37.897 --> 00:12:43.597 What are you doing raising kids? You're so dumb! You're raising murderers." 00:12:43.597 --> 00:12:46.599 This happens to me all the time. It's so terrifying. 00:12:46.599 --> 00:12:51.002 I was talking to a dude at a party who is 26 years old, had a three year old son. 00:12:51.002 --> 00:12:53.353 And I was like "Wow, that's amazing" And then a few minutes later 00:12:53.353 --> 00:12:57.719 I overheard him telling a group of people the story about how a week earlier he'd 00:12:57.719 --> 00:13:03.385 tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. 00:13:03.385 --> 00:13:05.302 And I said "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah woah, 00:13:05.302 --> 00:13:09.650 You can't be a father and then fuck a bowl of mac and cheese. Once you have a kid 00:13:09.650 --> 00:13:13.870 the macaroni and cheese fuckin days are over. 00:13:13.870 --> 00:13:15.966 And he's sitting here telling people this story. And he's like 00:13:15.966 --> 00:13:19.614 "Yeah and then I put the condom on" and I was like "Whatchya put a condom on-- 00:13:19.614 --> 00:13:24.743 for?" And he's like "Ugh, I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick ." 00:13:24.743 --> 00:13:30.172 As if that were a totally reasonable thing to say. 00:13:30.172 --> 00:13:33.362 As if I were the weird one for even bringing up the question. 00:13:33.362 --> 00:13:36.801 Yeah, me, the guy not fucking macaroni. 00:13:36.801 --> 00:13:42.356 And I told him, " You don' understand in this situation, putting the condom on 00:13:42.356 --> 00:13:44.829 makes everything way worse." 'Cus that means the whole time he went to go find a 00:13:44.829 --> 00:13:47.524 box of condoms, open the box of condoms, take the condom out, open the condom 00:13:47.524 --> 00:13:50.841 wrapper, put the condom on his penis, go back to the macaroni. 00:13:50.841 --> 00:13:54.717 That whole time he never once thought, "You know what, maybe I don't need to 00:13:54.717 --> 00:13:58.593 fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Maybe I could do literally anything else and it 00:13:58.593 --> 00:14:02.813 would be a better use of my time. " 00:14:02.813 --> 00:14:05.394 How are you gonna do something like that when you have a kid? 00:14:05.394 --> 00:14:08.034 What if his kid saw that? He'd never be able to tell that kid anything. 00:14:08.034 --> 00:14:10.669 "Hey be nice to be people, do good in school." 00:14:10.669 --> 00:14:15.845 "Really? I saw you fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Sooo why would I take your-- 00:14:15.845 --> 00:14:19.181 advice? By the way I'm three years old, my language skills are very impressive, 00:14:19.181 --> 00:14:22.182 Maybe I should just ride this shit out on my own." 00:14:22.182 --> 00:14:29.754 (crowd cheering) 00:14:29.754 --> 00:14:34.431 I have, uh, internet access right now. 'Cus things are going pretty well, and I'm 00:14:34.431 --> 00:14:40.651 sure some of you guys are online as well. And I like the internet, but it's really 00:14:40.651 --> 00:14:43.976 annoying sometimes. Like does this situation happen to you? 00:14:43.976 --> 00:14:48.386 You're sitting at your computer, working on something really important. And you 00:14:48.386 --> 00:14:52.688 think "Man, I wonder if Home Alone 2 made more money than Home Alone 1. 00:14:52.688 --> 00:14:57.918 I gotta look into this now. Sorry, important work, something more pressing 00:14:57.918 --> 00:15:03.593 has come up. I do stuff like that all the time. 00:15:03.593 --> 00:15:05.637 And what's so annoying is that once I start looking into one thing, 00:15:05.637 --> 00:15:07.806 I'll see something else I want to research. 00:15:07.806 --> 00:15:10.787 For example, In the Home Alone situation. Yeah I'll be looking at that and be like 00:15:10.787 --> 00:15:15.372 "Oh, wow, Joe Pesci's in that movie, I don't know much about Joe Pesci. 00:15:15.372 --> 00:15:20.427 Maybe I should learn everything about Joe Pesci. " And I'll spend hours doing 00:15:20.427 --> 00:15:24.912 all this Joe Pesci research. And now I know so much about Joe Pesci. 00:15:24.912 --> 00:15:27.032 But it's useless information, It's never going to help me. 00:15:27.032 --> 00:15:32.318 I never heard of a situation where a guy been in an alley doing the knife, 00:15:32.318 --> 00:15:34.977 "You're gonna die tonight unless you can tell me the name of the album Joe Pesci 00:15:34.977 --> 00:15:38.820 put out when he was a little kid." "Little Joe sure can sing." 00:15:38.820 --> 00:15:44.670 "Damnit, you're free to go. How come so many people know that? I need to stop 00:15:44.670 --> 00:15:51.249 integrating Joe Pesci trivia into my murders. People know more about him than 00:15:51.249 --> 00:15:54.163 I anticipated." 00:15:54.163 --> 00:15:57.646 I always waste time like that. The other night I was up late, I remember 00:15:57.646 --> 00:16:01.701 I've never seen any of those Saw movies before. They're not supposed to be 00:16:01.701 --> 00:16:05.454 particularly good movies. But my friend told me "Aziz, you gotta watch Saw 1, the 00:16:05.454 --> 00:16:10.950 twist in the end of Saw 1 is crazy." And I love twists at the end of movies. 00:16:10.950 --> 00:16:15.496 So I went on Youtube and I type 'Saw ending' and sure enough the clip comes up 00:16:15.496 --> 00:16:19.498 And I know what you're thinking. "Uh, Aziz you didn't see the rest of the movie, the 00:16:19.498 --> 00:16:20.482 clip won't make sense." 00:16:20.482 --> 00:16:24.142 Don't worry, I'm not stupid. First, I went on the Saw wikipedia page and I read the 00:16:24.142 --> 00:16:27.784 plot summary and when I got to the last paragraph, I stopped. 00:16:27.784 --> 00:16:30.966 Then I went back and watched that video. And let me tell you I did not see that-- 00:16:30.966 --> 00:16:32.751 coming." 00:16:38.269 --> 00:16:43.632 Someone recently sent me a password to one of those online porn sites. 00:16:43.632 --> 00:16:46.767 And the password worked. 00:16:46.767 --> 00:16:49.856 And I don't know if anyone here's ever had membership access 00:16:49.856 --> 00:16:53.157 to any of those sites, but it is incredible. 00:16:53.157 --> 00:16:57.608 If you're kind of on the fence, like, "i don't know, it just doesn't 00:16:57.608 --> 00:17:00.508 seem like it would be worth it to spend--" do it. 00:17:00.508 --> 00:17:04.098 Now, the trend in these sites is they try to make it seem 00:17:04.098 --> 00:17:06.064 like this stuff all really happened. 00:17:06.064 --> 00:17:07.389 Like this is real life. 00:17:07.389 --> 00:17:09.701 These aren't actors, this stuff really happened. 00:17:09.701 --> 00:17:12.859 So they have dumb names like "RealLifeDickParty.com" 00:17:12.859 --> 00:17:15.178 and the videos are all the same. 00:17:15.178 --> 00:17:16.978 These guys go up to some girls, they're like, 00:17:16.978 --> 00:17:20.065 "excuse me, you girls want to come back to our place and have a dick party?" 00:17:20.065 --> 00:17:25.398 and the girls are always like "Yeah!" and they get in their car, 00:17:25.398 --> 00:17:27.706 they drive back to the house, they have sex, they film it, and it goes 00:17:27.706 --> 00:17:30.634 RealLifeDickParty.com! 00:17:30.634 --> 00:17:32.713 Does anyone think those clips are real? 00:17:32.713 --> 00:17:35.813 If they want people to think it's real, every now and then, 00:17:35.813 --> 00:17:39.326 they should have a clip where some guys go up to some girls, like, 00:17:39.326 --> 00:17:40.859 "excuse me, uh, you girls want to come back to our place 00:17:40.859 --> 00:17:42.129 and have a dick party?" 00:17:42.129 --> 00:17:43.234 and the girl's like, "what? 00:17:43.234 --> 00:17:44.032 That's disgusting! 00:17:44.032 --> 00:17:50.597 "Get out of here you asshole!" - RealLifeDickParty.com! 00:17:50.597 --> 00:17:52.986 then you're at home like, "man, I guess it is real. 00:17:52.986 --> 00:17:54.759 Those girls didn't want to have a dick party at all. 00:17:54.759 --> 00:17:57.811 They just continued on to Whole Foods" 00:17:57.811 --> 00:18:04.032 now, the first video I watched on the site, these guys go 00:18:04.052 --> 00:18:06.075 into a doughnut shop, right? 00:18:06.075 --> 00:18:08.916 And they're talking to the girls in the doughnut shop, they're like, 00:18:09.151 --> 00:18:10.513 "hey, so, what do you think of us maybe giving you some money, 00:18:10.513 --> 00:18:11.932 and then we can hook up in the back of the donut shop" 00:18:11.932 --> 00:18:15.768 and the girl's like, "Ok that sounds good!" 00:18:15.768 --> 00:18:19.546 she was not a very good actress. 00:18:19.546 --> 00:18:21.765 So they go in the back, and they start hooking up. 00:18:21.765 --> 00:18:25.934 So there's a guy hooking up with a girl in the back 00:18:25.934 --> 00:18:27.538 of a doughnut shop. 00:18:27.538 --> 00:18:30.078 Now, this guy eventually does what any reasonable person 00:18:30.078 --> 00:18:35.198 would do in that situation, and he puts a doughnut around his dick. 00:18:35.198 --> 00:18:39.161 Now, the woman is performing fellatio-type services, 00:18:39.161 --> 00:18:43.836 and she's getting dangerously close to this doughnut. 00:18:43.836 --> 00:18:47.088 And then at one point, she just takes a bite of the doughnut. 00:18:47.088 --> 00:18:48.613 And I don't know why, but as soon as that happened, 00:18:48.613 --> 00:18:51.693 I just went, "whoa, that was awesome! 00:18:51.693 --> 00:18:54.343 What an amazing choice by that actress! 00:18:54.343 --> 00:18:57.306 I wonder if that was improvised, like the doughnut was just there, .. 00:18:57.306 --> 00:19:07.353 [chomps] .. And the director is just [mouthing] 00:19:10.483 --> 00:19:14.425 But what does that say about me as a person that I got so excited? 00:19:14.740 --> 00:19:18.060 I guess I just like food too much. 00:19:18.076 --> 00:19:20.169 It's a good thing I don't write the scripts for those videos. 00:19:21.210 --> 00:19:23.188 My script would be like, "all right, so, you pick this girl up 00:19:23.188 --> 00:19:26.421 in los angeles, and you drop her off at this restaurant called animal, 00:19:26.421 --> 00:19:29.790 and she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine, 00:19:29.790 --> 00:19:32.036 the rabbit legs, and the strawberry pound cake. 00:19:32.036 --> 00:19:34.253 And they bring her everything, and she's like, 'oh, my god, 00:19:34.253 --> 00:19:35.363 this looks so good' 00:19:35.363 --> 00:19:36.827 And she eats everything. 00:19:36.827 --> 00:19:37.940 There's not a bite left. 00:19:37.940 --> 00:19:39.667 And she's like, 'wow, that was delicious. 00:19:39.667 --> 00:19:46.826 Maybe the best meal I've had all year. - RealLifeDickParty.com! 00:19:53.021 --> 00:19:54.695 you know what's weird about that doughnut video is, 00:19:54.695 --> 00:19:57.074 they filmed it in a real doughnut shop. 00:19:57.074 --> 00:20:00.202 Which means they had to pay a doughnut shop owner 00:20:00.202 --> 00:20:02.524 to use that as a location. 00:20:02.524 --> 00:20:05.925 But I guess if you're a doughnut shop owner, the risk is pretty low. 00:20:05.925 --> 00:20:09.113 What are the chances of someone at home watching the video and going, 00:20:09.113 --> 00:20:11.311 "oh, no, that's where I get my doughnuts from! 00:20:11.311 --> 00:20:13.526 That's what goes on back there? 00:20:13.526 --> 00:20:18.181 I just thought they were putting chocolate and jelly in some of the donuts" 00:20:18.181 --> 00:20:20.179 but that's got to be happening to some dude. 00:20:20.179 --> 00:20:22.462 They film all these videos in the same town, I imagine. 00:20:22.462 --> 00:20:25.053 There's gotta be some dude waking up every morning like, 00:20:25.053 --> 00:20:27.364 "oh, no, not the bank too! 00:20:27.364 --> 00:20:29.035 I was supposed to make a deposit today! 00:20:29.035 --> 00:20:31.994 And there's jizz everywhere!" 00:20:34.411 --> 00:20:36.948 I always thought the best thing that could happen in the doughnut video 00:20:36.948 --> 00:20:41.006 is the girl takes a bite of the doughnut, and then she just starts walking away. 00:20:41.006 --> 00:20:43.180 And the guy's like, "Hey where are you going?" 00:20:43.180 --> 00:20:45.382 and she's like, "i wasn't trying to suck your dick. 00:20:45.382 --> 00:20:46.979 I just wanted a bite of that doughnut. 00:20:46.979 --> 00:20:48.045 That looked delicious. 00:20:48.045 --> 00:20:49.327 "Bob's doughnuts. 00:20:49.327 --> 00:20:50.470 The best doughnuts in town. 00:20:50.470 --> 00:20:53.692 We won't make you suck a dick for yours" 00:20:59.030 --> 00:21:03.024 I was doing a show one night, and they had a woman signing my entire act 00:21:03.064 --> 00:21:06.871 to the left of the stage, and whenever I got to that punch line 00:21:06.871 --> 00:21:08.966 where I said "Jizz everywhere!" 00:21:08.966 --> 00:21:18.506 she went like this. And.. It was amazing. 00:21:18.507 --> 00:21:22.277 I said Jizz everywhere a few more times just to make sure 00:21:23.329 --> 00:21:24.858 I understood what was going on 00:21:24.858 --> 00:21:28.654 Coz that had to be an on-the-fly sign for "Jizz everywhere" 00:21:28.654 --> 00:21:34.008 She's like "Ok.. There's jizz Oh.. oh It's everywhere" 00:21:34.008 --> 00:21:37.486 Coz everywhere can't be like [Nasal Eeeehhhhh] 00:21:37.486 --> 00:21:39.406 You'd look crazy; Everytime you had to sign 'everywhere' 00:21:39.406 --> 00:21:42.507 "Hey, I'm new in town. Is there's a Jimmy Johns nearby?" 00:21:42.507 --> 00:21:44.255 "Oh, those are everywhere! 00:21:44.255 --> 00:21:45.884 "There's a Jimmy Johns here and here and here and here" 00:21:45.884 --> 00:21:49.654 That's gotta be custom for 'jizz' 00:21:49.654 --> 00:21:52.856 Jizz everywhere, the ceiling the carpet the walls the plates 00:21:52.856 --> 00:21:55.874 the tupperware the television, I don't know what 00:21:55.982 --> 00:21:57.627 happened but it's everywhere and I'm really 00:21:57.627 --> 00:22:02.726 sorry about it. Also know that jizz is just (silly sound) 00:22:02.726 --> 00:22:05.805 that's jizz. (mimics sound) 00:22:05.805 --> 00:22:07.593 No more thought went into that. 00:22:07.593 --> 00:22:09.873 Guys up late developing sign language, uhh, guys I'm 00:22:09.873 --> 00:22:11.911 really tired, can we pick up tomorrow. I'm really beat 00:22:11.911 --> 00:22:14.655 I really need some sleep. A few more words? Fine. 00:22:14.655 --> 00:22:17.530 What's the next word? Jizz?!? That's Jizz! 00:22:17.530 --> 00:22:18.451 'What if it's everywhere?' 00:22:18.451 --> 00:22:20.609 That's Jizz everywhere! 00:22:20.609 --> 00:22:22.535 How come I get all the dirty words? Brian got puppy 00:22:22.535 --> 00:22:29.119 I got jizz everywhere? 00:22:29.943 --> 00:22:32.483 And the only reason I bring this up is, you know 00:22:32.483 --> 00:22:34.648 it can be days from now, weeks from now 00:22:34.648 --> 00:22:37.877 months from now, years from now, but one day 00:22:37.877 --> 00:22:39.971 one of you guys could be walking around 00:22:39.971 --> 00:22:43.082 and see a Deaf person about to walk into 00:22:43.082 --> 00:22:45.167 a room where there's jizz everywhere 00:22:45.167 --> 00:22:47.996 and you'd be like (signs) 00:22:47.996 --> 00:22:50.982 and they'll be like (signs) 00:22:50.982 --> 00:22:53.203 and they'll head somewhere else, free of jizz. 00:23:03.657 --> 00:23:08.928 I'm from South Carolina and. thank you. and whenever 00:23:08.928 --> 00:23:14.308 I tell people that they're always like "(gasp) oh no. 00:23:14.308 --> 00:23:19.488 but it's so racist there, (whispers) and your skin is brown" 00:23:19.488 --> 00:23:22.840 "how did you survive?" 00:23:22.840 --> 00:23:25.407 And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be 00:23:25.407 --> 00:23:27.679 pretty racist, more racist than other parts of the country. 00:23:27.679 --> 00:23:30.253 But what these people forget is that the food there 00:23:30.253 --> 00:23:34.163 is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina it's 00:23:34.163 --> 00:23:35.966 kind of like "oh that guy just say the N-word? 00:23:35.966 --> 00:23:37.433 Ohhh fried chicken and biscuits, never mind" 00:23:37.433 --> 00:23:40.340 "nom nom nom nom nom nom" 00:23:40.340 --> 00:23:42.528 Even if right now, some dude stood up and was like "hey 00:23:42.528 --> 00:23:44.115 I'm going to say a bunch of racist stuff, but 00:23:44.115 --> 00:23:45.611 afterwards I'm going to give you a biscuit." 00:23:45.611 --> 00:23:49.366 I'd be like "that's a weird deal, but I'll take it" 00:23:49.366 --> 00:23:52.793 'Cause I hate racism, but I love a good biscuit. 00:23:55.489 --> 00:23:57.756 I just think it's a little silly when sometimes people act 00:23:57.756 --> 00:24:00.534 as if all the really crazy racism is just in places like 00:24:00.534 --> 00:24:02.852 South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, or whatever 00:24:02.852 --> 00:24:05.289 because I've seen crazy racist stuff happen 00:24:05.289 --> 00:24:08.751 everywhere. I have a friend in LA, he's Korean right? 00:24:08.751 --> 00:24:11.249 And he got locked out of his appartment. 00:24:11.249 --> 00:24:13.812 So he called a locksmith, ok? 00:24:13.812 --> 00:24:15.603 And the locksmith is getting all his info 00:24:15.603 --> 00:24:17.380 he's like "what's your last name?" and he's like 00:24:17.380 --> 00:24:20.182 "chun" The guy goes, what kind of last name is that? 00:24:20.182 --> 00:24:23.253 The guys goes "Korean American" and the guy 00:24:23.253 --> 00:24:26.439 goes "I hate Korean Americans. Korean Americans are 00:24:26.439 --> 00:24:30.019 trying to destroy America." and he hung up on him. 00:24:30.019 --> 00:24:32.682 Wouldn't unlock his door. I thought 'wow' 00:24:32.682 --> 00:24:37.881 so this locksmith does no business with Korean American. 00:24:37.881 --> 00:24:42.007 But, I wondered, how many Korean Americans would 00:24:42.007 --> 00:24:45.381 have to call him before economically he couldn't afford 00:24:45.381 --> 00:24:47.866 to be that racist? 00:24:47.866 --> 00:24:49.903 Like, what if Korean people just kept calling? 00:24:49.903 --> 00:24:51.587 Would he eventually be like "Damn it man! I would 00:24:51.587 --> 00:24:53.474 have made five thousand dollars yesterday 00:24:53.474 --> 00:24:54.872 if I didn't hate Korean people. 00:24:54.872 --> 00:24:56.484 This is so stupid, Korean people aren't trying to destroy 00:24:56.484 --> 00:25:01.556 America. They can't even find their keys." 00:25:03.148 --> 00:25:04.210 But then weirdly, that stereotype would get 00:25:04.210 --> 00:25:05.908 integrated into his racism. Like he would see 00:25:05.908 --> 00:25:07.793 Korean people and he'd be like "pfft, let me guess, 00:25:07.793 --> 00:25:09.942 can't find your keys? (mimics Korean accent) 00:25:09.942 --> 00:25:13.911 Ching chong, bing bong, where's my keys?" 00:25:13.911 --> 00:25:15.460 He sees a Korean dude opening a door he's like 00:25:15.460 --> 00:25:18.855 "ha! There's something you don't see everyday" 00:25:18.855 --> 00:25:21.556 "Korean dude actually had his keys for once" 00:25:21.556 --> 00:25:23.810 (mimics asian song) "na na na na na na, where's my keys?" 00:25:23.810 --> 00:25:28.114 "na na na na na na na, they're in your house." 00:25:28.114 --> 00:25:32.337 Now obviously I don't like it when people are racist. 00:25:32.337 --> 00:25:36.666 but I am weirdly fascinated by racial slurs. 00:25:36.666 --> 00:25:40.095 Like 'ching chong, bing bong,' how did we all know that? 00:25:40.095 --> 00:25:42.033 As soon as I said "ching chong, bing bong" everyone was like 00:25:42.033 --> 00:25:45.033 "yup, racist term for Asian people, I'm on board" 00:25:45.033 --> 00:25:48.079 No one was lost. 00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:51.133 How are racist things like that so ubiquitous? 00:25:51.133 --> 00:25:54.837 At one point do our parents sit us down 00:25:54.837 --> 00:25:56.625 "hey, by the way, the racist thing for Asian 00:25:56.625 --> 00:25:57.659 people is 'ching chong, bing bong'" 00:25:57.659 --> 00:25:58.911 "Don't ever say it to them" 00:25:58.911 --> 00:26:00.005 "Well if they say something racist to you, 00:26:00.005 --> 00:26:00.846 I don't know. I gotta get out of here. 00:26:00.846 --> 00:26:02.385 Don't touch that macaroni" 00:26:02.385 --> 00:26:06.467 [laughter] 00:26:06.467 --> 00:26:10.272 One day I decided to do some research on racist slurs 00:26:10.272 --> 00:26:11.432 and see if I could learn anything, and I found 00:26:11.432 --> 00:26:14.380 a very interesting article. It was titled 00:26:14.380 --> 00:26:18.810 'list of every ethnic slur' 00:26:18.810 --> 00:26:25.429 and it was 21 pages long, and I read all of them. 00:26:25.429 --> 00:26:26.804 and if it's cool with you guys, I would now 00:26:26.804 --> 00:26:28.913 like to share a few of my favorites. 00:26:30.584 --> 00:26:35.307 now, these are racist slurs, ethnic slurs, ok? 00:26:35.307 --> 00:26:37.227 So they're offensive. They're offensive by their 00:26:37.227 --> 00:26:40.547 very nature. So if I say one, or I describe one 00:26:40.547 --> 00:26:42.996 and you're offended, there's no reason to be like 00:26:42.996 --> 00:26:49.992 "ahhhwwwoooo" 00:26:49.992 --> 00:26:51.946 because we all know they're offensive. 00:26:51.946 --> 00:26:54.730 So instead you can shut your fucking mouth. 00:26:57.118 --> 00:26:58.272 At the same time though 00:26:58.272 --> 00:26:59.711 At the same time, I don't want to do this 00:26:59.711 --> 00:27:01.582 bit and look at the audience and see some 00:27:01.582 --> 00:27:04.587 guy like [overly excited] "Yeah, haha!" 00:27:04.587 --> 00:27:07.552 "yeah yeah hahaha yeah! [grunting noises]" 00:27:07.552 --> 00:27:10.947 'Cause that would be terrifying on the other end 00:27:10.947 --> 00:27:13.398 of the spectrum. So here we go. My favorite racial slurs. 00:27:13.398 --> 00:27:18.228 Ok? The first one, it's defined as a derogitory 00:27:18.228 --> 00:27:21.800 descriptive phrase for a person of predominantly 00:27:21.800 --> 00:27:25.346 caucasian ancestry with real or suspected 00:27:25.346 --> 00:27:28.537 distant Asian or African ancestry. 00:27:28.675 --> 00:27:31.214 Now, this is a pretty specific situation 00:27:31.214 --> 00:27:35.194 to need to bust out a racial slur. But, uh 00:27:35.194 --> 00:27:37.481 If you're ever caught in a jam all you gotta say is 00:27:37.481 --> 00:27:41.597 "You know what man? You got a touch of the tar brush" 00:27:41.597 --> 00:27:45.453 "Yeah, you heard me. You got a touch of the tar brush" 00:27:45.453 --> 00:27:50.069 "This is the tar brush, this is you. [Boop noise]" 00:27:50.069 --> 00:27:52.289 "You don't think I see that distant Asian ancestry 00:27:52.289 --> 00:27:54.830 in your predominantly Caucasian face?" 00:28:00.136 --> 00:28:02.688 Some of the racial slurs, uh 00:28:02.688 --> 00:28:05.565 contained other racial slurs within themselves 00:28:05.565 --> 00:28:08.269 they were combinations. Which seem very inconvenient 00:28:08.269 --> 00:28:11.500 to me. For example, there was one for Native American 00:28:11.500 --> 00:28:14.890 people, "prairie N-word" Prairie N-word. 00:28:14.890 --> 00:28:16.913 Whenever I hear that, I imagine this scenario 00:28:17.012 --> 00:28:18.818 Some guy's talking to a Native American dude 00:28:18.818 --> 00:28:20.614 "Get out of here prairie N-word" 00:28:20.614 --> 00:28:22.219 Some black guy's like "what'd you say?" 00:28:22.219 --> 00:28:24.293 "Dude I said 'prairie' this doesn't concern you." 00:28:24.293 --> 00:28:26.396 [laughter] 00:28:26.396 --> 00:28:28.532 "Step off" 00:28:30.636 --> 00:28:34.518 But a lot of times, you read the racial slur and it's 00:28:34.518 --> 00:28:36.695 like 'what? What ethnicity is that for? Who would 00:28:36.695 --> 00:28:38.533 you say that to?" 00:28:38.533 --> 00:28:40.235 See if you can guess one. See if you can guess this one. 00:28:40.235 --> 00:28:44.756 'Dogan' It's an Irish Catholic. See no one could guess it. 00:28:44.756 --> 00:28:47.243 See if you can guess this one, "Christ Killer" 00:28:47.243 --> 00:28:50.531 Anyone have a guess on that one? 00:28:50.531 --> 00:28:53.201 Christ killer. Who would you say that to? 00:28:53.201 --> 00:28:57.582 Christ killer, killer of Christ. 00:28:57.582 --> 00:28:59.817 Did someone say Jewish people? No! 00:28:59.817 --> 00:29:02.360 It's actually for Asian people. It's used for people 00:29:02.360 --> 00:29:04.505 who hate Asians so much, they blame them 00:29:04.505 --> 00:29:07.271 for the death of Christ. 00:29:07.271 --> 00:29:09.770 "Christ killer" "But I'm Asian" 00:29:09.770 --> 00:29:12.586 "I know. Why do you think God created locks?" 00:29:12.586 --> 00:29:15.561 "Ching chong, bing bong, you killed Christ" 00:29:22.575 --> 00:29:23.957 But what I learned reading that list though 00:29:23.957 --> 00:29:26.813 is that I think you can make anything sound 00:29:26.813 --> 00:29:29.602 racist or hateful. With the right tone in your voice 00:29:29.602 --> 00:29:32.838 the right inflection. You can make anything sound hateful. 00:29:32.838 --> 00:29:35.716 Like let me see if I can create a racial slur, right now. 00:29:35.716 --> 00:29:39.557 Sir, sitting right there. What is your ethnicity? 00:29:39.557 --> 00:29:42.023 Where are you from? Shut up, Kitkat! 00:29:42.023 --> 00:29:47.464 Quit laughing kitkat! 00:29:47.464 --> 00:29:51.594 See? That started to sound real racist. 00:29:51.594 --> 00:29:52.638 [laughter] Cause you're thinking, woah woah. 00:29:52.638 --> 00:29:56.559 That guy's not a kitkat. He's a person. 00:29:56.599 --> 00:29:59.205 Aziz must be implying that he's brown on the outside, 00:29:59.205 --> 00:30:02.066 wafer like on the inside. [laughter] 00:30:05.724 --> 00:30:08.473 I've been having fun doing this tour. When I started the tour 00:30:08.473 --> 00:30:14.654 I was reading this Motley Crew autobiography, and it was really interesting. 00:30:15.240 --> 00:30:18.354 I quickly realised that Motley Crew tours, way crazier than 00:30:18.354 --> 00:30:23.277 an Aziz tour. [laughter] It's fascinating because these guys 00:30:23.277 --> 00:30:25.244 were at one point the biggest band in the world. 00:30:25.244 --> 00:30:26.758 Preforming at arenas and stuff. But at the same time they 00:30:26.758 --> 00:30:30.156 were doing massive amounts of Cocaine and Heroin 00:30:30.156 --> 00:30:32.966 all the time. My body could just not take anything like that. 00:30:33.332 --> 00:30:35.882 Even if just tonight I was like "Let's do heroin!" 00:30:35.882 --> 00:30:39.592 The next day it'd be like "Aziz is dead! Yeah, he did 00:30:39.592 --> 00:30:42.827 Herion once and he died." "How much Heroin did he do?" 00:30:42.827 --> 00:30:45.038 "None, he just had a needle in his arm and felt woosy 00:30:45.038 --> 00:30:47.260 and fell off a building" [laughter] 00:30:50.645 --> 00:30:53.155 They have all these insane stories about girls. Like 00:30:53.155 --> 00:30:55.664 at one point they're having sex with all these groupies, right? 00:30:55.664 --> 00:30:59.066 But they had girlfriends at home, so at the end of the night 00:30:59.066 --> 00:31:02.839 to cover their tracks, they would put their penises inside 00:31:02.839 --> 00:31:08.890 burritos. How did that become the plan? [laughter] 00:31:08.890 --> 00:31:11.680 Was a motley crew guy just running around 00:31:11.680 --> 00:31:14.127 "Oh my God, my dick smells like all these other vaginas 00:31:14.127 --> 00:31:15.964 My girlfriend is going to find out I'm cheating on her. 00:31:15.964 --> 00:31:16.877 What am I going to do? What am I going to do? 00:31:16.877 --> 00:31:18.336 What am I going to do? Can I wash my dick with 00:31:18.336 --> 00:31:19.938 soap and water? No! That won't work! 00:31:19.938 --> 00:31:22.434 Why? I don't know!" 00:31:22.434 --> 00:31:25.813 "Quick give me that burrito. It's perfect. The 00:31:25.813 --> 00:31:28.656 scent of Pico de Gallo will totally throw off my girlfriend. 00:31:28.656 --> 00:31:32.839 [laughter] 00:31:32.839 --> 00:31:34.572 That story is the quintessential difference between 00:31:34.572 --> 00:31:37.741 a comedy tour, and a rock tour. 00:31:37.741 --> 00:31:39.260 A rock tour, some dude's fucking a burrito. It's like 00:31:39.260 --> 00:31:41.418 "yeah man, gotta get smell of all these other vaginas 00:31:41.418 --> 00:31:42.523 off my dick" 00:31:42.523 --> 00:31:44.737 A comedy tour, it's like "waaaah, I'm so alone" [laughter] 00:31:51.508 --> 00:31:55.311 I like touring, the only thing I don't like is the actual 00:31:55.814 --> 00:31:57.926 travel itself. Because people can be so rude when you're 00:31:57.926 --> 00:32:01.128 traveling. The rudest person I ever met in my entire life is 00:32:01.128 --> 00:32:05.025 the eastern European customs lady at the Toranto airport. 00:32:05.240 --> 00:32:08.361 What's that lady's problem? Why's she gotta be so rude? 00:32:08.361 --> 00:32:11.223 Customs people are the first people you meet when you go to a new country. 00:32:11.223 --> 00:32:12.862 They should be nice, welcoming. 00:32:12.862 --> 00:32:14.083 This lady, as soon as you walk up she goes 00:32:14.083 --> 00:32:19.215 "what you are doing here?! [shouting]" 00:32:19.215 --> 00:32:20.192 [laughter] 00:32:20.192 --> 00:32:21.372 And I was like "Um, shooting a movie?" 00:32:21.372 --> 00:32:23.416 She goes, "What it mean? Shooting movie?" 00:32:23.416 --> 00:32:25.628 I was like "you know, like, filming a movie" 00:32:25.628 --> 00:32:27.171 She goes "I know what it means filming movie. I mean 00:32:27.171 --> 00:32:28.631 are you doing the lights? Are you acting? 00:32:28.631 --> 00:32:31.164 Are you directing? I could do without your sarcasm." 00:32:31.164 --> 00:32:33.797 I was like, "Why are you being so mean? 00:32:33.797 --> 00:32:36.910 I said something and you went 'what it mean shooting movie.' 00:32:36.910 --> 00:32:39.480 So I just assumed you were kinda dumb and I'm trying to explain things to you." 00:32:39.480 --> 00:32:41.235 [laughter] 00:32:41.235 --> 00:32:42.925 I'm stunned you know what the word sarcams means 00:32:43.204 --> 00:32:45.725 your English is slightly better than Animal from the Muppet Babies. 00:32:45.725 --> 00:32:49.287 And you're yelling at me like a psychopath. 00:32:50.169 --> 00:32:52.206 And I got my stamp and I walked on. But I kind of 00:32:52.206 --> 00:32:54.300 wish I had forgotten the stamp and turned around 00:32:54.300 --> 00:32:57.157 and was like "Guess what?! I lied!" 00:32:57.157 --> 00:32:59.033 And then pulled out a DVD of Jurassic Park and a 00:32:59.033 --> 00:33:01.384 hand gun, and was like "this is what I mean shooting movie" 00:33:01.384 --> 00:33:03.054 "Bang bang bang bang bang" 00:33:03.054 --> 00:33:05.905 [laughter] 00:33:08.510 --> 00:33:11.406 Passengers can also be rude to you also. 00:33:11.406 --> 00:33:13.797 I was flying home once and I was sitting next 00:33:13.797 --> 00:33:16.443 to this couple. They had these two puppies, that they put 00:33:16.443 --> 00:33:18.286 under the seats infront of us. 00:33:18.286 --> 00:33:19.976 Now, there was an older couple sitting there 00:33:19.976 --> 00:33:22.436 and they said "Hey, you guys mind moving the puppies 00:33:22.436 --> 00:33:24.554 over a little bit so we can put our jackets under there?" 00:33:24.554 --> 00:33:27.306 And the lady with the puppies is like, "um, no! 00:33:27.306 --> 00:33:29.128 We have two puppies, they need all the room. 00:33:29.128 --> 00:33:31.947 Thank you very much" 00:33:31.947 --> 00:33:33.251 And I was like, "Whoa. Why'd you need 00:33:33.251 --> 00:33:34.899 to be so rude about that?" 00:33:34.899 --> 00:33:36.273 And then she started talking to her husband. 00:33:36.273 --> 00:33:38.357 She's like, "Ugh, can you believe those people, asking us 00:33:38.357 --> 00:33:40.002 to move the puppies for their jackets? 00:33:40.002 --> 00:33:42.401 What kind of nerve they have! Who do they think they are?!" 00:33:42.401 --> 00:33:45.349 I was like, "I fucking hate this lady." 00:33:45.349 --> 00:33:46.943 (laughter) 00:33:46.943 --> 00:33:47.909 So I started chiming in. 00:33:47.909 --> 00:33:49.513 I was like, "Yeah, I heard that. 00:33:49.513 --> 00:33:51.457 I couldn't believe they'd ask something like that. 00:33:51.457 --> 00:33:53.849 Those people are awful! Those people are terrible! 00:33:53.849 --> 00:33:57.217 Those people deserve to be murdered." 00:33:57.217 --> 00:34:00.078 (laughter) 00:34:00.078 --> 00:34:02.769 And I didn't say another word the whole flight. 00:34:02.769 --> 00:34:05.960 (laughter) 00:34:05.960 --> 00:34:08.298 And then the flight lands. 00:34:08.298 --> 00:34:11.866 And the old couple gets up, they leave the plane. 00:34:11.866 --> 00:34:15.078 The young couple's about to get up, but I hold them down and I go, 00:34:15.078 --> 00:34:18.995 "No, no. I got this." 00:34:18.995 --> 00:34:21.714 And I step over them and I start following the old people, right? 00:34:21.714 --> 00:34:23.426 The young couple's behind me. 00:34:23.426 --> 00:34:25.598 We get outside the airport, I pull out the gun 00:34:25.598 --> 00:34:27.707 that I have from the previous joke-- 00:34:27.707 --> 00:34:28.928 (laughter) 00:34:28.928 --> 00:34:30.325 Loaded two bullets. 00:34:30.325 --> 00:34:32.095 I aim it at the old people, but then I spin around 00:34:32.095 --> 00:34:34.480 and I aim it at the puppies. BANG! BANG! 00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:37.386 I shoot both those puppies in the face. 00:34:37.386 --> 00:34:39.537 And I go, "Never be rude to the elderly again! 00:34:39.537 --> 00:34:42.224 Have fun burying your dead puppies." 00:34:42.224 --> 00:34:45.664 (laughter and applause) 00:34:46.594 --> 00:34:47.819 I know what some of you are thinking. 00:34:47.819 --> 00:34:49.550 "Oh no, why the puppies get shot?! 00:34:49.550 --> 00:34:51.999 The puppies didn't do anything." 00:34:51.999 --> 00:34:53.539 I didn't really shoot any puppies. 00:34:53.539 --> 00:34:55.288 You were being stupid. 00:34:55.288 --> 00:34:57.652 (laughter) 00:35:00.563 --> 00:35:03.054 I have met some really interesting people on 00:35:03.054 --> 00:35:04.920 tour. One of my favorite people that I've met 00:35:04.920 --> 00:35:07.398 was this gentleman who once picked 00:35:07.398 --> 00:35:09.467 me up from the airport and drove me to the venue. 00:35:09.467 --> 00:35:12.429 And I was talking to this guy, and 00:35:12.429 --> 00:35:14.065 I was like "What did you do before you were 00:35:14.065 --> 00:35:17.114 a driver?" and he goes, "I used to be a celebrity body guard" 00:35:17.114 --> 00:35:19.144 I was like "Woah, who'd you bodyguard for?" 00:35:19.144 --> 00:35:21.768 He was like "You name it, Bruce Willis, Miley Cyrus 00:35:21.768 --> 00:35:23.624 Jonas Brothers." I was like "Woah 00:35:23.624 --> 00:35:25.359 out of all the people you've body guarded for 00:35:25.359 --> 00:35:27.676 who was the toughest person to do security for? 00:35:27.676 --> 00:35:29.736 Who had the craziest fans?" 00:35:29.736 --> 00:35:32.590 He goes "Toughest person to do security for, Cher" 00:35:32.590 --> 00:35:37.839 "Craziest fans. Pauly Shore" 00:35:37.839 --> 00:35:39.543 And I was like "What?! Those are both wrong 00:35:39.543 --> 00:35:42.918 answers. I can do security for Pauly Shore. Hey man 00:35:42.918 --> 00:35:44.704 can you leave Pauly Shore alone? Thanks." 00:35:45.571 --> 00:35:48.494 "Okay Pauly, lets go. Those two guys are gone." 00:35:48.494 --> 00:35:52.344 (laughter) 00:35:52.344 --> 00:35:53.708 And then I asked him "What did you do 00:35:53.708 --> 00:35:55.748 before you were a celebrity body guard?" 00:35:55.748 --> 00:35:57.808 He goes, "Used to drive Madonna's tour bus." 00:35:57.808 --> 00:35:59.217 I said, "How was that?" 00:35:59.217 --> 00:36:00.823 He goes "Not fun" 00:36:00.823 --> 00:36:02.337 I said "Why?" 00:36:02.337 --> 00:36:04.611 He goes, "'cause every time I drove the bus, one 00:36:04.611 --> 00:36:07.455 of her dancers put his dick on my shoulder." 00:36:07.455 --> 00:36:10.055 (laughter) 00:36:10.055 --> 00:36:12.516 That was not what I was expecting him to say. 00:36:12.516 --> 00:36:13.996 (laughter) 00:36:13.996 --> 00:36:16.586 So I said, "Sir, you're going to have to elaborate" 00:36:16.586 --> 00:36:19.869 And he told me the story. And basically, any time 00:36:19.869 --> 00:36:22.377 he was driving the bus, at one point, one of 00:36:22.377 --> 00:36:23.753 Madonna's dancers would just 00:36:23.753 --> 00:36:27.221 come up and (thumping sound.) Throw a dick on 00:36:27.221 --> 00:36:30.634 his shoulder and this happened so many times 00:36:30.662 --> 00:36:32.908 he had to quit his job and get into a new profession. 00:36:34.005 --> 00:36:35.005 (laughter) 00:36:35.005 --> 00:36:36.914 But I guess that would make you quit any job. 00:36:36.914 --> 00:36:38.350 You could be a lawyer, and people'd go 00:36:38.350 --> 00:36:39.833 "Hey man, weren't you a lawyer?" 00:36:39.833 --> 00:36:43.143 "Yeah I was, 'til this new partner joined the firm. 00:36:43.143 --> 00:36:45.790 And every time I presented a case, he put his dick 00:36:45.790 --> 00:36:48.421 on my shoulder." (laughter) "So now 00:36:48.421 --> 00:36:51.573 I work at Quizno's" 00:36:51.573 --> 00:36:54.454 Even if a job was just staring at a dick on your left shoulder 00:36:54.454 --> 00:36:56.932 for three hours a day. If at some point, another 00:36:56.932 --> 00:36:58.795 guy came and put his dick on your right shoulder 00:36:58.795 --> 00:37:00.468 you'd be like "Woah woah woah woah. What the 00:37:00.468 --> 00:37:02.823 fuck is this? I never signed up for that. 00:37:02.823 --> 00:37:04.374 I said ONE dick on the left shoulder for three 00:37:04.374 --> 00:37:06.445 hours a day. Look at the 'dick shoulder' contract we 00:37:06.445 --> 00:37:08.677 signed man. The language is very specific. 00:37:08.677 --> 00:37:10.614 Dicks can't just start popping up on my knees, elbows 00:37:10.614 --> 00:37:13.041 and toes now. We have a deal. You know what? 00:37:13.041 --> 00:37:14.820 That's fine. If this is how you guys run things 00:37:14.820 --> 00:37:17.040 I quit. (thump, thump) I'm Pauly Shore I don't 00:37:17.040 --> 00:37:20.081 need this shit" 00:37:20.081 --> 00:37:28.149 (laughter and clapping) 00:37:28.149 --> 00:37:30.946 Right now I wanted to take a couple of minutes 00:37:30.946 --> 00:37:33.459 to update you on one of my favorite people in the world. 00:37:33.459 --> 00:37:36.750 And that's my chubby little cousin Harris. 00:37:41.828 --> 00:37:43.495 Harris is a little cousin of mine who lives 00:37:43.495 --> 00:37:45.617 in Georgia, and you know. I don't have any kids 00:37:45.617 --> 00:37:47.921 or anything like that. So I feel like I should update you on 00:37:47.921 --> 00:37:49.739 what he's been up to. 00:37:49.739 --> 00:37:52.485 Harris is a weird kid. He, you know. I don't 00:37:52.485 --> 00:37:54.479 get to spend a ton of time with him, but I do 00:37:54.479 --> 00:37:56.760 check up on him regurlary on his facebook page 00:37:56.760 --> 00:37:58.138 and read his status updates. 00:37:58.138 --> 00:37:59.613 He recently had a quote up there. 00:37:59.613 --> 00:38:02.538 And the quote said, "life's a dirty game 00:38:02.538 --> 00:38:06.433 you gotta play dirty to win it." (laughter) 00:38:06.433 --> 00:38:09.962 "dash Harris" He's quoting himself on this one. 00:38:09.962 --> 00:38:12.270 (laughter) Yup, that's a Harris original. 00:38:12.270 --> 00:38:14.073 That's not from season four of The Wire. 00:38:14.073 --> 00:38:15.795 That's from a chubby kid named Harris who once 00:38:15.795 --> 00:38:19.043 tole me his favorite food is hot pockets. 00:38:19.043 --> 00:38:21.815 (laughter) 00:38:21.815 --> 00:38:23.851 What a dark thing to say. "Life's a dirty game, 00:38:23.851 --> 00:38:26.085 you've gotta play dirty to win it." 00:38:26.085 --> 00:38:27.751 When has Harris played dirty in life? 00:38:27.751 --> 00:38:29.559 I can only think of one instance, it's when 00:38:29.559 --> 00:38:30.893 he's playing Halo, because as soon as the 00:38:30.893 --> 00:38:32.307 board starts, he always knows where the rocket 00:38:32.307 --> 00:38:33.661 launchers are and he grabs them and starts 00:38:33.661 --> 00:38:35.229 blowing everybody up. It's fucked up. He does 00:38:35.229 --> 00:38:37.302 this shit every time. That's why I don't play Halo 00:38:37.302 --> 00:38:38.631 with him anymore. 00:38:38.631 --> 00:38:39.811 (laughter) 00:38:39.811 --> 00:38:41.192 Now I'm sure there's some people here 00:38:41.192 --> 00:38:42.503 that have never played Halo, and that doesn't 00:38:42.503 --> 00:38:45.064 make any sense, so I will give you an analogy. 00:38:45.064 --> 00:38:46.867 Okay? It would be as if you were playing 00:38:46.867 --> 00:38:50.004 Monopoly, right? And someone rolled a ten 00:38:50.004 --> 00:38:52.724 and landed on park place. And then Harris 00:38:52.724 --> 00:38:54.296 came in with a rocket launcher and blew 00:38:54.296 --> 00:39:00.352 everybody up. (laughter) 00:39:00.352 --> 00:39:03.159 Last time I spoke with Harris, I said 00:39:03.159 --> 00:39:04.232 "What's been going on?" and he said 00:39:04.232 --> 00:39:07.012 "I'm applying for college, is there any way 00:39:07.012 --> 00:39:10.844 you can help me with my college essays?" 00:39:10.844 --> 00:39:14.294 And I was like "Yes" (laughter) "Because you're 00:39:14.294 --> 00:39:17.234 a wierdo, and whatever you're going to write 00:39:17.234 --> 00:39:20.517 is going to be insane. So I can read it to 00:39:20.517 --> 00:39:22.389 people in public and it'll help me with 00:39:22.389 --> 00:39:25.981 my job." (laughter and cheering) 00:39:25.981 --> 00:39:33.534 So I brought along a copy of his essay. 00:39:33.534 --> 00:39:38.523 And this is 100% real. The essay is titled, 00:39:38.523 --> 00:39:42.010 'All the Small Things' 00:39:42.010 --> 00:39:45.882 "Take the thumb, even though it is just 00:39:45.882 --> 00:39:48.846 another finger it is the most essential. 00:39:48.846 --> 00:39:50.757 It controls everything from eating and drinking 00:39:50.757 --> 00:39:53.856 to writing. Interestingly enough I have found 00:39:53.856 --> 00:39:56.702 many things in life to be the same way." 00:39:56.702 --> 00:39:59.757 Already the essay makes no sense. 00:39:59.757 --> 00:40:01.832 When's the last time something interesting 00:40:01.832 --> 00:40:02.805 in your life happened, and you thought 00:40:02.805 --> 00:40:05.541 'this reminds me of my thumb'? 00:40:05.541 --> 00:40:08.005 Never. 00:40:08.005 --> 00:40:10.697 He goes on, "It's always the simple things 00:40:10.697 --> 00:40:12.180 that have the greatest impact. 00:40:12.180 --> 00:40:14.319 The splitting of an atom caused the death 00:40:14.319 --> 00:40:17.645 of over 200,000 people. Redbox turned 00:40:17.645 --> 00:40:21.837 the movie industry upsidedown. (laughter) 00:40:21.837 --> 00:40:26.660 With the simple notion of vending machines 00:40:26.660 --> 00:40:32.412 that sold movies." (sarcastic voice) Yeah, those two 00:40:32.412 --> 00:40:34.441 things are comparable. 00:40:34.441 --> 00:40:36.715 200,000 people are dead! And you can rent 00:40:36.715 --> 00:40:42.534 Mrs. Doubtfire at the grocery store now. (laughter) 00:40:44.250 --> 00:40:46.503 He goes on to describe a particurlarly 00:40:46.503 --> 00:40:49.992 interesting summer where he volunteered at 00:40:49.992 --> 00:40:52.074 a local hospital. This is how he described 00:40:52.074 --> 00:40:56.216 that experience. "I was a human wheelbarrow" 00:40:56.216 --> 00:41:00.839 And let me tell you, it sucked. 00:41:00.839 --> 00:41:04.821 You can't say "it sucked" in a college essay. 00:41:04.821 --> 00:41:10.191 When you use language like that, you know what "it sucks" means? 00:41:10.191 --> 00:41:12.778 You're referring to sucking dick. 00:41:12.778 --> 00:41:15.641 So what Harris just said is like, uh, "Hey, University, 00:41:15.641 --> 00:41:18.170 you know what volunteering and helping people reminded me of? 00:41:18.170 --> 00:41:20.583 Putting a penis in my mouth and sucking it 00:41:20.583 --> 00:41:26.590 till it comes in my chubby little cheeks. 00:41:26.590 --> 00:41:32.727 Later on, he talks about a particularly crazy day at the hospital. 00:41:32.727 --> 00:41:35.683 "A week after I started, the incident occurred. 00:41:35.683 --> 00:41:39.436 When I set foot in the hospital that day, it was more crowded than ever. 00:41:39.436 --> 00:41:44.359 There weren't any nurses asking me if I want cookies" 00:41:44.359 --> 00:41:48.551 That's his gauge of how crazy things are at the hospital? 00:41:48.551 --> 00:41:52.088 "Why isn't anyone asking me if I want cookies? 00:41:52.088 --> 00:41:56.131 [scoffs] A LOT OF PEOPLE must have cancer" 00:41:58.197 --> 00:42:01.170 but what happened that day was Harris ended up meeting a gentleman 00:42:01.170 --> 00:42:05.789 who was illiterate, and he'd never met anyone illiterate before, 00:42:05.789 --> 00:42:07.997 and this really affected him. 00:42:07.997 --> 00:42:10.398 He described how he felt when he drove home that day. 00:42:10.398 --> 00:42:14.829 "I remembered thinking how bizarre it was that someone could not read. 00:42:14.829 --> 00:42:16.747 What if I couldn't read? 00:42:16.747 --> 00:42:20.838 I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits 00:42:20.838 --> 00:42:25.469 from Red Lobster. 00:42:25.469 --> 00:42:29.237 these are the things that come to harris' mind when he imagines 00:42:29.237 --> 00:42:33.691 a world where he can't read. 00:42:33.691 --> 00:42:37.851 First of all, you could easily do both those things if you couldn't read. 00:42:37.851 --> 00:42:41.216 I don't think illiterate people see movie posters and numbers 00:42:41.216 --> 00:42:45.054 and are like, "no clue what that means. 00:42:45.054 --> 00:42:47.708 Can't pieсe that together". 00:42:48.720 --> 00:42:53.440 Now, the red lobster thing is weird also, 'cause I don't know how many 00:42:53.440 --> 00:42:56.247 of you all have been to red lobster, but if you've been there, you know 00:42:56.247 --> 00:43:00.279 no one orders the cheese biscuits; those are complimentary. 00:43:00.279 --> 00:43:03.838 They just sit 'em down at your table as soon as you get there. 00:43:03.838 --> 00:43:05.776 So what's harris talking about? 00:43:05.776 --> 00:43:07.329 I'm guessing this is what happens. 00:43:07.329 --> 00:43:10.316 He finishes his biscuits, and he sees on the menu it says, 00:43:10.316 --> 00:43:12.727 "if you finish your biscuits, feel free to order more" he's like, "whew! 00:43:12.727 --> 00:43:14.109 Thank god I can read. 00:43:14.109 --> 00:43:15.794 More biscuits please!" 00:43:18.922 --> 00:43:22.005 so I told him, I said, "Harris, you can't send this essay. 00:43:22.005 --> 00:43:22.984 It's too crazy. 00:43:22.984 --> 00:43:24.647 Let me do a rewrite." 00:43:24.647 --> 00:43:28.508 I did a rewrite, which he rejected, but I will share with you now. 00:43:28.508 --> 00:43:30.970 "I once volunteered at a hospital. 00:43:30.970 --> 00:43:33.782 It sucked dick, but I did get to eat free cookies. 00:43:33.782 --> 00:43:39.827 And let me tell you, I will suck dick for cookies. 00:43:39.827 --> 00:43:41.763 One day, I met a man who was illiterate. 00:43:41.763 --> 00:43:42.938 It really affected me. 00:43:42.938 --> 00:43:45.735 It made me realize the world is full of great tragedies. 00:43:45.735 --> 00:43:50.094 9/11, The time I overcooked that hot pocket, and here, this man. 00:43:50.094 --> 00:43:52.115 He couldn't read. 00:43:52.115 --> 00:43:54.633 How would he find a box of bagel bites at the grocery store? 00:43:54.633 --> 00:43:57.256 Even if he found the box of bagel bites, how would he read 00:43:57.256 --> 00:43:59.218 the directions to cook the bagel bites? 00:43:59.218 --> 00:44:01.090 Have you ever eaten frozen bagel bites? 00:44:01.090 --> 00:44:06.094 I ate six of 'em one day, and it was disgusting. 00:44:06.094 --> 00:44:07.553 My name is Harris. 00:44:07.553 --> 00:44:09.642 I hope you consider accepting me into your university. 00:44:09.642 --> 00:44:12.463 By the way, during registration, will there be free cookies, 00:44:12.463 --> 00:44:15.387 or will I need to suck someone's dick? 00:44:15.387 --> 00:44:17.008 Life's a dirty game. 00:44:17.008 --> 00:44:19.119 You gotta play dirty to win it" 00:44:19.119 --> 00:44:23.274 [cheers and applause] 00:44:29.045 --> 00:44:34.425 I used to kid Harris for being chubby, but he's actually not chubby anymore. 00:44:34.425 --> 00:44:35.954 He had a growth spurt, and he stretched out. 00:44:35.954 --> 00:44:37.012 He's fine. 00:44:37.012 --> 00:44:39.526 But a few months ago, I was actually worried that I was getting chubby. 00:44:39.526 --> 00:44:42.608 I saw a photo of me on the internet, and in the comments, 00:44:42.608 --> 00:44:47.607 someone wrote, "whoa! Who ate Aziz Ansari?" 00:44:47.607 --> 00:44:51.128 which--hold on-- doesn't make any sense. 00:44:51.128 --> 00:44:53.620 If someone ate me, they wouldn't assume my form all of a sudden. 00:44:53.620 --> 00:44:58.632 "Why do you look like that g--" - I just ate him! 00:44:58.632 --> 00:45:00.392 but the person was right. 00:45:00.392 --> 00:45:02.800 I gained 12 pounds. 00:45:02.800 --> 00:45:05.939 So I started exercising at the gym, lost the weight right away. 00:45:05.939 --> 00:45:08.648 But I didn't always like the stuff the people at the gym would tell me. 00:45:08.648 --> 00:45:11.635 They would say things like, "hey, Aziz, you see this new study on yahoo news? 00:45:11.635 --> 00:45:14.166 It says any food you would have to eat after 11:00 goes straight 00:45:14.166 --> 00:45:16.848 to your belly you should cut out those late night snacks. 00:45:16.848 --> 00:45:18.782 and I would always want to say, "oh, really? 00:45:18.782 --> 00:45:22.158 There's this other study I heard about that says, uh, if you have a lot of 00:45:22.158 --> 00:45:24.387 alcohol in your system and you eat a quesadilla at 3:00 in the morning, 00:45:24.387 --> 00:45:27.139 it's delicious. 00:45:27.139 --> 00:45:28.027 Yeah. 00:45:28.027 --> 00:45:34.001 I did that study last night. Twice." 00:45:34.001 --> 00:45:38.125 [cheers and applause] But I love food. 00:45:38.125 --> 00:45:39.887 I love going out to eat at restaurants and stuff. 00:45:39.887 --> 00:45:42.553 It's really something I like a lot. 00:45:42.553 --> 00:45:45.084 I was eating at one of my favorite restaurants in New York not too long ago, 00:45:45.084 --> 00:45:46.826 and I was having dinner with a friend, and he's like, 00:45:46.826 --> 00:45:48.303 "Aziz, what have you been up to?" 00:45:48.303 --> 00:45:49.730 and I said, "shut up. 00:45:49.730 --> 00:45:54.770 50 Cent is sitting over there, and I need to hear everything he says" 00:45:54.770 --> 00:45:58.621 And 50 cent did not disappoint. 00:45:58.621 --> 00:46:02.787 50 Cent, the rapper, ordered a grapefruit soda. 00:46:02.787 --> 00:46:05.488 The waiter brings him a grapefruit soda. 00:46:05.488 --> 00:46:08.414 And then 50 cent said the greatest thing anyone could ever say 00:46:08.414 --> 00:46:10.642 when they see a grapefruit soda. 00:46:10.642 --> 00:46:19.606 He looks at the waiter, and he goes, "Why isn't this purple?" 00:46:19.606 --> 00:46:23.966 and it took me a few seconds, and then I realized, "Oh, my God. 00:46:23.966 --> 00:46:27.284 50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is. 00:46:27.284 --> 00:46:29.696 Excuse me, everybody in the restaurant, shut up. 00:46:29.696 --> 00:46:35.057 A waiter's about to explain to a grown man what a grapefruit is." 00:46:35.057 --> 00:46:36.533 you realize how amazing this is? 00:46:36.533 --> 00:46:38.626 There are parents that aren't there when their children 00:46:38.626 --> 00:46:39.578 learns what a grapefruit is. 00:46:39.578 --> 00:46:42.779 I am there for that moment in rapper 50 cent's life. 00:46:42.779 --> 00:46:48.510 This guy leaves the restaurant, he's gonna know about a new fruit. 00:46:48.510 --> 00:46:50.791 And the exchange was just glorious. 00:46:50.791 --> 00:46:54.107 The waiter struggling to explain the concept of a grapefruit to a man 00:46:54.107 --> 00:46:56.733 who just didn't get it. 00:46:56.733 --> 00:46:57.770 He was like, "no, you don't understand. 00:46:57.770 --> 00:46:58.606 They're two different things. 00:46:58.606 --> 00:46:59.644 Grape, grapefruit. 00:46:59.644 --> 00:47:00.275 Grape, grapefruit. 00:47:00.275 --> 00:47:04.355 "I know grapes are fruits. Why do you keep saying it like that?" 00:47:04.355 --> 00:47:06.929 No, it's just one word. Grapefruit. 00:47:06.929 --> 00:47:08.842 you know, it's just one-- it's a different--" 00:47:08.842 --> 00:47:12.242 "i get it. Grapefruit, apple-fruit, orange-fruit, carrot-vegetable. 00:47:12.242 --> 00:47:17.573 No that's not it at all. 00:47:17.573 --> 00:47:19.285 And it just blew my mind. 00:47:19.285 --> 00:47:21.617 How does 50 cent not know what a grapefruit is? 00:47:21.617 --> 00:47:24.377 This guy's been rich for so long. 00:47:24.377 --> 00:47:26.818 He has to run into a grapefruit every now and then. 00:47:26.818 --> 00:47:27.981 I do okay. 00:47:27.981 --> 00:47:33.518 I see grapefruits every fucking day. 00:47:33.518 --> 00:47:35.492 What happens when he sees a grapefruit? 00:47:35.492 --> 00:47:39.287 Is he just like: 00:47:39.287 --> 00:47:43.519 "What's up with those oranges? 00:47:43.519 --> 00:47:45.951 They're all red and shit. 00:47:45.951 --> 00:47:47.519 And they're big as fuck! 00:47:47.519 --> 00:47:49.414 They're looking at me weird! Shot those niggas! 00:47:49.414 --> 00:47:51.561 [imitates gunfire] 00:47:56.329 --> 00:47:57.906 When you do this kind of work, 00:47:57.906 --> 00:47:59.298 a lot of people write stuff 00:47:59.298 --> 00:48:00.292 about you on the internet 00:48:00.292 --> 00:48:01.927 and sometimes people write mean things 00:48:01.927 --> 00:48:04.606 and the smart thing to do is just ignore that. 00:48:04.606 --> 00:48:06.998 But sometimes I would argue with people 00:48:06.998 --> 00:48:08.655 because, I like arguing 00:48:08.655 --> 00:48:09.724 yeah, every now and then but 00:48:09.724 --> 00:48:11.702 I recently put an end to all of it. 00:48:11.702 --> 00:48:13.412 And I wanted to share with you guys what happened 00:48:13.412 --> 00:48:16.681 the last time I got into an argument online. 00:48:16.681 --> 00:48:20.018 It started when my email wasn't working. 00:48:20.018 --> 00:48:21.400 so I went on my website 00:48:21.400 --> 00:48:22.447 and I wrote, 00:48:22.447 --> 00:48:25.636 "If Gmail even messes up a little bit, I get upset 00:48:25.636 --> 00:48:27.095 it's a little unreasonable, 00:48:27.095 --> 00:48:31.100 but seriously, send my email, Gmail!" 00:48:31.100 --> 00:48:32.417 and then a guy writes back and says: 00:48:32.417 --> 00:48:33.982 "Dude. You're complaining about 00:48:33.982 --> 00:48:35.871 a free email service? 00:48:35.871 --> 00:48:37.809 Maybe use some of your hollywood money 00:48:37.809 --> 00:48:44.597 to buy a real email account. TURD" 00:48:44.597 --> 00:48:47.404 Which seemed a little aggressive. 00:48:47.404 --> 00:48:48.952 So I wrote him back and said: 00:48:48.952 --> 00:48:50.750 "Hey, man, I was joking, 00:48:50.750 --> 00:48:52.505 and even said it's unreasonable. 00:48:52.505 --> 00:48:55.205 So go fuck a bucket of dogshit!" 00:48:56.151 --> 00:48:57.240 And then he goes: 00:48:57.240 --> 00:48:58.981 "Oh sorry, didn't mean to suggest you should 00:48:58.981 --> 00:49:00.318 use a little of that money you have 00:49:00.318 --> 00:49:02.448 instead of crying like a bitch." 00:49:03.403 --> 00:49:05.033 At this point, I decided to 00:49:05.033 --> 00:49:07.608 take things up a notch. I said: 00:49:07.608 --> 00:49:10.061 "I hope four hippopotamuses force you 00:49:10.061 --> 00:49:12.302 to blow them and they all cum on your face 00:49:12.302 --> 00:49:14.716 simultaneously, and you choke on hippo cum 00:49:14.716 --> 00:49:17.373 and DIE." 00:49:19.949 --> 00:49:23.188 Cause that will probably be a pretty rough way to go... 00:49:23.188 --> 00:49:26.213 Imagine you're just at your house, 00:49:26.213 --> 00:49:27.544 just like making eggs or something, 00:49:27.544 --> 00:49:31.259 Ding Dong! Oh, a hippo was here, 00:49:31.259 --> 00:49:32.818 four hippos, what do you guys need? 00:49:32.818 --> 00:49:33.983 and the hippos are just like 00:49:33.983 --> 00:49:37.190 "Suck our DICKS." 00:49:37.190 --> 00:49:39.035 Even logistically, this is going to be rough. 00:49:39.035 --> 00:49:40.763 I mean you got four hippos lined up in your house 00:49:40.763 --> 00:49:41.847 and you gotta blow them at the same time 00:49:41.847 --> 00:49:46.799 "uhhh uh uhhh uhhhh" [blowing hippo sounds] 00:49:46.799 --> 00:49:48.311 and then eventually the hippos are like: 00:49:48.311 --> 00:49:51.602 "We're about to cuuuuum!" 00:49:51.602 --> 00:49:53.115 Because that's what talking hippos do in that 00:49:53.115 --> 00:49:54.346 situation. 00:49:54.346 --> 00:49:55.347 and then it starts 00:49:55.347 --> 00:49:56.655 [blasting sounds] 00:49:56.655 --> 00:49:57.651 and he's like "ah, oh no, 00:49:57.651 --> 00:49:59.932 oh no, oh no, I'm choking, I'm not going to make it, 00:49:59.932 --> 00:50:01.460 I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die 00:50:01.460 --> 00:50:02.975 I need to email my family and tell 00:50:02.975 --> 00:50:04.040 them I love them 00:50:04.040 --> 00:50:06.535 Fuck! Gmail's down. That guy was right. 00:50:10.996 --> 00:50:13.936 So I wrote that up there 00:50:13.936 --> 00:50:15.778 And then he responded and said 00:50:15.778 --> 00:50:19.553 "Here's a tip, don't use the word seriously 00:50:19.553 --> 00:50:21.260 when you're joking. You want to 00:50:21.260 --> 00:50:23.005 come down to SD and talk that big boy 00:50:23.005 --> 00:50:25.691 talk face to face?" 00:50:25.691 --> 00:50:28.385 I'm assuming SD stands for South Dakota. 00:50:28.385 --> 00:50:29.912 Which doesn't intimidate me 00:50:29.912 --> 00:50:31.845 at all. 00:50:31.845 --> 00:50:33.806 I will go to South Dakota and fuck somebody up. 00:50:33.806 --> 00:50:35.645 Not for real, because I'm small, 00:50:35.645 --> 00:50:40.995 But I'll say shit like that when I'm online. 00:50:40.995 --> 00:50:43.183 So I kinda want to end this argument, so I tell him 00:50:43.183 --> 00:50:45.353 "Look. You're the only one of thousands 00:50:45.353 --> 00:50:46.752 who had this impression of me, 00:50:46.752 --> 00:50:48.509 maybe you should just look up sarcasm 00:50:48.509 --> 00:50:49.629 in the dictionary." 00:50:49.629 --> 00:50:50.513 and he goes: 00:50:50.513 --> 00:50:53.143 "You can't tell sarcasm from text Akbar, 00:50:53.143 --> 00:50:55.000 but nice try." 00:50:55.000 --> 00:50:55.699 and I said: 00:50:55.699 --> 00:50:57.273 "Well that's strange! Cause everyone who didn't 00:50:57.273 --> 00:50:58.937 have the veiny shaft of a huge hippo 00:50:58.937 --> 00:51:00.148 cock deep in their throat, 00:51:00.148 --> 00:51:02.839 could, KEITH. Yeah, I called you 00:51:02.839 --> 00:51:05.338 Keith, a random white guy name, 00:51:05.338 --> 00:51:09.401 Just like you cleverly did to me, 00:51:09.401 --> 00:51:11.414 with 'Akbar'. By the way, 00:51:11.414 --> 00:51:12.810 the previous use of the word 'cleverly', 00:51:12.810 --> 00:51:15.189 was SARCASTIC. Could you tell it by 00:51:15.189 --> 00:51:18.887 reading it, you dumb piece of shit?" 00:51:19.276 --> 00:51:20.730 and then he wrote back: 00:51:20.730 --> 00:51:23.286 "Whatever, you jawwah. " 00:51:23.286 --> 00:51:25.140 And I didn't know what that meant. 00:51:25.140 --> 00:51:27.264 I had to look it up! 00:51:27.264 --> 00:51:30.783 That's a sign of terribly ineffective racism. 00:51:30.783 --> 00:51:31.845 You can't say something racist 00:51:31.845 --> 00:51:32.720 to someone and then go "hey, 00:51:32.720 --> 00:51:36.951 what'd you say? Spell that for me. 00:51:36.951 --> 00:51:39.506 I need to look that up." 00:51:39.506 --> 00:51:41.081 It's got to be immediate. 00:51:41.081 --> 00:51:42.694 But I looked it up and apparently "jahwah" 00:51:42.694 --> 00:51:44.837 is some Star Wars character. 00:51:44.837 --> 00:51:46.695 That's like small and wears a hood 00:51:46.695 --> 00:51:47.849 and it's brown, and yellow eyes, 00:51:47.849 --> 00:51:49.589 I don't know, it doesn't offend me. 00:51:49.589 --> 00:51:52.682 But, I love the idea 00:51:52.682 --> 00:51:54.729 of a guy that's really racist, 00:51:54.729 --> 00:51:58.501 and really into Star Wars. 00:51:58.501 --> 00:52:00.483 That is an amazing combination 00:52:00.483 --> 00:52:02.226 I would love to hang out with that dude 00:52:02.226 --> 00:52:04.058 for a while. I would go to the movies 00:52:04.058 --> 00:52:05.955 with him whenever I could 00:52:05.955 --> 00:52:08.425 Because, at one point, I feel like he would 00:52:08.425 --> 00:52:10.288 stand up and he'd say something like 00:52:10.288 --> 00:52:11.698 "Damn it! I can't hear the movie because 00:52:11.698 --> 00:52:13.070 all these Darth Vaders won't shut the 00:52:13.070 --> 00:52:18.972 fuck up!" 00:52:18.972 --> 00:52:23.408 So, at this point, I don't have time for this guy 00:52:23.408 --> 00:52:24.584 I'm a busy guy. I've got 00:52:24.584 --> 00:52:26.584 Joe Pesci research piling up. 00:52:26.584 --> 00:52:28.838 And, I tell him, 00:52:28.838 --> 00:52:31.725 "Look. I don't have time to argue with a guy 00:52:31.725 --> 00:52:34.725 who's integrating racism and Star Wars trivia." 00:52:34.725 --> 00:52:35.547 and he goes: 00:52:35.547 --> 00:52:36.955 "This ceased to be an argument four 00:52:36.955 --> 00:52:38.728 hours ago. I just wanted to see some 00:52:38.728 --> 00:52:40.579 deedless idiot get all worked up 00:52:40.579 --> 00:52:42.796 over his tiny pecker." 00:52:42.796 --> 00:52:43.613 and I said, "well, 00:52:43.613 --> 00:52:45.320 every pecker must seem tiny after 00:52:45.320 --> 00:52:46.629 all the huge hippo cocks you've had 00:52:46.629 --> 00:52:49.909 in your mouth, go suck more of 'em! 00:52:49.909 --> 00:52:52.218 You got a touch of the tar brush!" 00:52:52.218 --> 00:53:00.232 [applause] 00:53:00.232 --> 00:53:03.062 I've had a really fun year this year 00:53:03.062 --> 00:53:05.118 I had a really fun new year's 00:53:05.118 --> 00:53:08.032 But it was also one of the most embarrassing, 00:53:08.032 --> 00:53:09.880 humiliating, terrifying moments of my 00:53:09.880 --> 00:53:14.843 recent life. I went to a JZ concert 00:53:14.843 --> 00:53:16.796 in Las Vegas for New Years. 00:53:16.796 --> 00:53:19.210 Which was, yes, is a lot of fun 00:53:19.210 --> 00:53:22.072 and uh, after the show 00:53:22.072 --> 00:53:23.817 they had an afterparty for everyone who went 00:53:23.817 --> 00:53:25.294 to the concert and it was a lot of fun 00:53:25.294 --> 00:53:26.269 and everyone's hanging out 00:53:26.269 --> 00:53:28.662 and then at one point JZ came out 00:53:28.662 --> 00:53:30.836 behind the DJ booth, and was rapping along 00:53:30.836 --> 00:53:32.280 with all the songs, and everyone was going 00:53:32.280 --> 00:53:33.587 crazy, and having a good time 00:53:33.587 --> 00:53:36.142 and JZ brought the music down 00:53:36.142 --> 00:53:38.480 and he started talking to the crowd 00:53:38.480 --> 00:53:39.553 and he was like: 00:53:39.553 --> 00:53:40.752 "Hey everybody, just wanted to wish you a 00:53:40.752 --> 00:53:42.868 happy New Year's, It's a really special night 00:53:42.868 --> 00:53:44.326 tonight, we got a lot of great people in the 00:53:44.326 --> 00:53:46.323 building tonight, we got me, JZ, we got 00:53:46.323 --> 00:53:47.784 we got Beyonce in the building, 00:53:47.784 --> 00:53:50.388 we got Rihanna in the building," 00:53:50.388 --> 00:53:51.487 and I looked at my friend Al and I was like 00:53:51.487 --> 00:53:54.356 "We got Aziz in the building!" 00:53:54.356 --> 00:53:55.000 and then JZ goes 00:53:55.000 --> 00:53:57.035 "We got Aziz in the building," 00:53:57.035 --> 00:53:58.220 and I was like Oh shit! 00:53:58.220 --> 00:54:00.078 I'm in the building! I had 00:54:00.078 --> 00:54:02.069 no idea I was in the building! I've 00:54:02.069 --> 00:54:03.765 never been a part of building announcements 00:54:03.765 --> 00:54:06.092 before! No one's ever excited about me 00:54:06.092 --> 00:54:07.701 being in a building. 00:54:07.701 --> 00:54:09.275 It's never like "Aziz is in the building!" 00:54:09.275 --> 00:54:12.125 It's always like "Ts. Aziz is in the building? 00:54:12.125 --> 00:54:14.920 Let's go to another building. 00:54:14.920 --> 00:54:18.437 This building has got really low standards." 00:54:18.437 --> 00:54:21.963 So he said that I was like oh 00:54:21.963 --> 00:54:22.853 that was nice of him to give me a little 00:54:22.853 --> 00:54:24.190 shoutout or whatever, but 00:54:24.190 --> 00:54:25.638 that's when things got terrible. 00:54:25.638 --> 00:54:26.639 After he said that he goes: 00:54:26.639 --> 00:54:28.542 "Yo Aziz! Come up here and tell everybody 00:54:28.542 --> 00:54:32.899 a joke!" And I was like "Ah no!" 00:54:32.899 --> 00:54:34.464 This is 4 AM on New Year's, I'm out of 00:54:34.464 --> 00:54:35.788 of my head, I'm not in a condition 00:54:35.788 --> 00:54:37.928 to tell jokes. But he keeps pushing it 00:54:37.928 --> 00:54:39.607 He's like "Nah man, come up here and tell 00:54:39.607 --> 00:54:42.393 everybody a New Year's Day joke." 00:54:42.393 --> 00:54:46.827 A "New Year's Day" joke? 00:54:46.827 --> 00:54:49.697 That's a really specific request. 00:54:49.697 --> 00:54:53.372 What...what would that even be. 00:54:53.372 --> 00:54:55.648 What did one bird say to the other bird? 00:54:55.648 --> 00:54:57.344 "Wow this year really flew by!" 00:54:57.344 --> 00:55:03.303 Back to JZ everyone! 00:55:03.303 --> 00:55:04.728 But he kept pushing this, and he would 00:55:04.728 --> 00:55:07.083 not stop. And eventually, I just had to 00:55:07.083 --> 00:55:08.805 go up there. And I'll do my best 00:55:08.805 --> 00:55:10.395 to recreate what happened when I took 00:55:10.395 --> 00:55:13.411 the stage. He passes me the mic. 00:55:13.411 --> 00:55:21.968 "Umm... hello. Okay uh... 00:55:21.968 --> 00:55:25.719 One time um... this restaurant went to my house 00:55:25.719 --> 00:55:28.967 Ahahahah that didn't happen, 00:55:28.967 --> 00:55:31.146 that's not how that one goes... 00:55:31.146 --> 00:55:39.794 [yawn] I'm sleepy. Happy New Year!" 00:55:39.794 --> 00:55:43.843 And I gave the mic back to JZ. 00:55:43.843 --> 00:55:47.422 And the jiggaman was not pleased. 00:55:47.422 --> 00:55:48.620 He grabbed the mic and made this weird 00:55:48.620 --> 00:55:51.830 face. And I was like oh no I let him down, 00:55:51.830 --> 00:55:52.819 I gotta think of something funny, 00:55:52.819 --> 00:55:54.071 so I thought of something funny to say 00:55:54.071 --> 00:55:55.009 and I reached back for the mic, 00:55:55.009 --> 00:55:58.039 and he was like "No! You had your chance 00:55:58.039 --> 00:56:00.267 to be funny, and you missed it!" 00:56:00.267 --> 00:56:01.911 and I was like "Oh no!" 00:56:01.911 --> 00:56:03.761 But I get it. Because JZ is the smoothest 00:56:03.761 --> 00:56:07.052 man of all time. His life operates in 00:56:07.052 --> 00:56:08.772 a different way than mine. He can't 00:56:08.772 --> 00:56:10.721 comprehend the levels of unsmoothness 00:56:10.721 --> 00:56:12.762 that go on with me. 00:56:12.762 --> 00:56:14.586 Like if JZ slipped on a banana peel, 00:56:14.586 --> 00:56:16.135 he would just put his other foot on the 00:56:16.135 --> 00:56:17.927 banana peel and just slide wherever 00:56:17.927 --> 00:56:19.209 he was going. 00:56:19.322 --> 00:56:20.537 "Man, I got here even faster than I 00:56:20.537 --> 00:56:23.847 anticipated! Haha! Thanks, banana peel!" 00:56:23.847 --> 00:56:26.242 My life is the opposite. 00:56:26.242 --> 00:56:28.344 My life is me spilling mustard on my shirt 00:56:28.344 --> 00:56:31.001 all the time. JZ is never going to spill 00:56:31.001 --> 00:56:32.304 mustard on his shirt. 00:56:32.304 --> 00:56:34.189 Even if mustard was about to land on his 00:56:34.189 --> 00:56:35.852 shirt, someone else would coincidentally 00:56:35.852 --> 00:56:37.901 be passing him a hotdog, and the 00:56:37.901 --> 00:56:41.550 mustard would just go "bum, bum bum bum" 00:56:41.550 --> 00:56:42.708 and he grabbed the hotdog and would be like 00:56:42.708 --> 00:56:44.769 "Yo man can I get some mus- Haha! 00:56:44.769 --> 00:56:46.276 you about to take a bite of the world's greatest..." 00:56:46.276 --> 00:56:49.492 [groovy eating sounds] 00:56:50.313 --> 00:56:53.671 [applause] 00:56:54.467 --> 00:56:55.853 Before I leave, I wanted to talk about 00:56:55.853 --> 00:57:02.704 R. Kelly for a second. 00:57:02.704 --> 00:57:04.750 Um, when I was putting together the 00:57:04.750 --> 00:57:06.569 material for this special, I was thinking like, 00:57:06.569 --> 00:57:08.596 I don't need to talk about R. Kelly. 00:57:08.596 --> 00:57:09.821 I've discussed him in the past. 00:57:09.821 --> 00:57:11.780 No reason to talk about him anymore. 00:57:11.780 --> 00:57:13.355 And I wasn't going to do it. 00:57:13.355 --> 00:57:14.669 But here's the problem: 00:57:14.669 --> 00:57:18.933 R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things. 00:57:18.933 --> 00:57:20.595 So I'm conflicted about this 00:57:20.595 --> 00:57:23.950 but this is what R.Kelly's been up to. 00:57:23.950 --> 00:57:27.812 Uh, he put out a song last year called "Echo" 00:57:27.812 --> 00:57:31.096 and in the song, he's talking about hooking 00:57:31.096 --> 00:57:34.893 up with a girl and trying to make her echo. 00:57:34.893 --> 00:57:38.050 That's weird. 00:57:38.050 --> 00:57:40.329 I have never been hooking up with a woman 00:57:40.329 --> 00:57:45.102 and her being like "AZIZ AZIz Aziz Aziz Aziz..." 00:57:45.102 --> 00:57:47.242 Cause I would think "Oh no, I'm hooking up, 00:57:47.242 --> 00:57:51.151 with a ghost!" 00:57:51.151 --> 00:57:53.824 But he put this song out, and I guess what 00:57:53.824 --> 00:57:55.712 happened is there were some R. Kelly fans 00:57:55.712 --> 00:57:57.988 that didn't know what an echo is. 00:57:57.988 --> 00:57:59.475 So what do you do if you're R. Kelly in 00:57:59.475 --> 00:58:00.514 that situation? 00:58:00.514 --> 00:58:01.698 What are you gonna, post a video online 00:58:01.698 --> 00:58:03.181 defining the word echo? 00:58:03.181 --> 00:58:05.204 YES. 00:58:05.204 --> 00:58:07.045 That's exactly what he did. 00:58:07.045 --> 00:58:09.312 And the video went like this. 00:58:09.312 --> 00:58:10.461 He comes on the screen and he's like 00:58:10.461 --> 00:58:12.166 "Alright y'all some of y'all don't know what 00:58:12.166 --> 00:58:14.620 an echo is. Now an echo is just basically 00:58:14.909 --> 00:58:16.316 like you know when you standing 00:58:16.316 --> 00:58:17.273 on top of a mountain and you go 00:58:17.273 --> 00:58:21.342 "Hello!" and you hear "hello hello hello..." 00:58:21.342 --> 00:58:23.225 That's an echo. 00:58:23.225 --> 00:58:25.257 End of video. 00:58:27.108 --> 00:58:28.386 Then I said, uh, 00:58:28.386 --> 00:58:29.908 that's the most amazing thing I've seen 00:58:29.908 --> 00:58:31.488 in quite a while. 00:58:31.488 --> 00:58:32.943 How do we get R. Kelly in touch 00:58:32.943 --> 00:58:34.198 with the Merriam Webster people 00:58:34.198 --> 00:58:35.639 in order to start funding for the online 00:58:35.639 --> 00:58:40.359 R. Kelly video dictionary. 00:58:40.359 --> 00:58:41.883 That's gotta happen, at some point, 00:58:41.883 --> 00:58:43.790 in our lifetime. 00:58:43.790 --> 00:58:44.595 Wouldn't that be amazing? 00:58:44.595 --> 00:58:46.406 Type in any word. CheeseBurger. 00:58:46.406 --> 00:58:47.918 "Alright y'all some of y'all don't know 00:58:47.918 --> 00:58:50.064 what a cheeseburger is. You know 00:58:50.064 --> 00:58:51.213 when you go to McDonalds and you 00:58:51.213 --> 00:58:52.523 order a cheeseburger? 00:58:52.619 --> 00:58:54.616 That's a cheeseburger." 00:58:55.194 --> 00:58:59.099 See also: related words: 00:58:59.099 --> 00:59:00.239 "Veggie Burger": 00:59:00.239 --> 00:59:01.672 "You know when you get a cheeseburger and 00:59:01.672 --> 00:59:02.531 it tastes funny? 00:59:02.531 --> 00:59:05.986 That's a veggie burger. 00:59:05.986 --> 00:59:07.315 Or uh..." Juice Box". 00:59:07.315 --> 00:59:08.383 "Alright y'all some of y'all don't know 00:59:08.383 --> 00:59:10.966 what a juice box is. Uh, you know when you 00:59:10.966 --> 00:59:12.137 making love to a woman and you holding 00:59:12.137 --> 00:59:13.324 on to her booty and you like oh my god 00:59:13.324 --> 00:59:14.943 this is the most amazing booty I've ever 00:59:14.943 --> 00:59:16.161 held onto in my life, I cannot let go of this 00:59:16.161 --> 00:59:18.920 booty for whatever reason, I cannot let go 00:59:18.920 --> 00:59:20.948 But you get really thirsty, that's when you 00:59:20.948 --> 00:59:23.226 can reach for your juicebox." 00:59:23.226 --> 00:59:25.690 [straw sounds] 00:59:28.050 --> 00:59:30.124 Or uh, "ATM machine" 00:59:30.124 --> 00:59:31.307 "Alright y'all, some of y'all don't know what 00:59:31.307 --> 00:59:34.710 an ATM is. You know uh, an ATM machine, 00:59:34.710 --> 00:59:37.765 is a machine where you put a card in, 00:59:37.765 --> 00:59:38.821 and you get money out, and you get your 00:59:38.821 --> 00:59:40.549 money out, and you can leave. 00:59:40.549 --> 00:59:41.397 Or if you got a girl with you 00:59:41.397 --> 00:59:42.672 you can put her up against the ATM machine 00:59:42.672 --> 00:59:46.105 and just gri-i-i-i-i-i-i-nd. 00:59:46.105 --> 00:59:50.182 (singing) She's got her hands on your thing 00:59:50.182 --> 00:59:51.767 You've got your hands on her titties 00:59:51.767 --> 00:59:53.650 you about to make love to this 00:59:53.650 --> 00:59:55.142 itty-bitty. Ya'll are 00:59:55.142 --> 00:59:56.507 fucking by the ATM 00:59:56.507 --> 00:59:57.791 fucking by the ATM 00:59:57.791 --> 01:00:01.688 fucking by the ATMMMMMMM 01:00:05.369 --> 01:00:08.207 Withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit 01:00:08.207 --> 01:00:12.408 withdrawal, deposit, withdrawal, deposit 01:00:12.408 --> 01:00:16.085 Damn girl I need additional funds 01:00:16.085 --> 01:00:16.921 And that's an ATM. 01:00:17.289 --> 01:00:19.153 Thank you guys so much! 01:00:19.153 --> 01:00:21.076 Thank you very very much! 01:00:21.076 --> 01:00:23.081 Thank you so much for coming out! 01:00:23.081 --> 01:00:25.027 You're a fantastic audience! 01:00:25.027 --> 01:00:27.229 Good night, Thank you! 01:00:27.229 --> 01:00:33.288 [applause]