The Basics of Non Violent Communication DVD 1 Part 1: The Purpose of Nonviolent Communication & Expressing Observations and Feelings

Workshop by Marshall Rosenberg

The Basics of Nonviolent Communication
with Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Part 3:
Empathically Hearing Others

There's only two things that human beings are ever saying:

"please" and "thank you".

That's all human beings are ever saying.

The only things is,

jackal-speaking people have learned
to say "please" in a suicidal way.

Think about that for a moment: what else are human beings ever saying,

except "please", "you're behaving in a way that isn't meeting my needs."

or "my needs are not getting met by something else"

"Would you please do this, to meet my needs?"

We need to know how to say that well to survive in the world.

When our needs are not getting met, we need to know how to say "please"

in a way that makes it enjoyable for people to give it to us.

All right, this morning we learned how to do that.

Just learned how to say
what you're feeling and needing

and make a clear request.

Make sure that no words come out of your mouth

that imply wrongness on the part of other people.

Do everything you can to promote in people
the trust that

when you make a request it is a request
and not a demand.

And that increases the likelihood that people will enjoy giving to you.

So, we studied that this morning.

Now, the other half of the process is

how to receive from other people,

what's alive in them,

and what they are needing to make life wonderful,

and how to receive that without hearing any criticism or demand.

Just to hear what's alive in them;

and we need to learn how to do this

even when these other people are saying "please" in this strange way

that we've been educated to say "please".

You know, you were all speaking perfect giraffe for about a year.

So what I'm teaching you now is really not a second language

it's really your first language; I'm bringing you back

to life, to nature, to your first language.

So, now the other half. How do we respond

to a jackal's "please"

when a jackal is expressing the please this way?

"The problem with you is that you are too..."

That's "Please!"

That person is in pain.

That person has a need that isn't getting met;

and isn't it sad that they only know that way to ask for it?

Isn't that tragic for this person?

To be saying please in a way that almost guarantees

you're not going to get what you want;

or if you do it's going to be motivated by fear, guilt or shame

and you're going to pay for it.

How sad to be educated that way.

And now, of course, it would be even sadder

if when the person says "please" that way you don't hear the "please",

you hear a criticism.

That's when we have war.

Somebody in pain does their best to express it,

the person on the other end hears a criticism.

Let me tell you what the person that you were working on this morning,

all of the messages that I heard you relate

that what you predicted they might say back,

here is what I heard the person saying.

I heard the person you're speaking with saying this back to you:

"I'm in pain."

"I have a need that isn't getting met."

OK? That's what the person was saying in the message that you wrote down.

"I'm in pain, because a need of mine isn't getting met."

Now, hear that. Put on giraffe ears

and say this back to the person:

"Are you feeling ...?"

and guess what that person is feeling when they say what they did.

"...because you are needing ...?"

and guess what their need is.

I'm asking you to go back to the message

that you predicted you might get back,

I want you to imagine the person actually says this to you,

and now if you have giraffes ears on, here will be your reaction:

"Are you feeling ...?", guess their feeling

"...because you're needing...?", guess their need.

With giraffe ears, all you can hear are feelings and needs.

You can hear no criticism.

A number of years ago I was working

with a group of women in religious life

and they had a conflict for some 15 months

that was creating great pain within their community,

and they asked me to help them resolve this

and I suggested that we begin by having everybody express their needs.

"What needs of yours are not getting met in this situation?"

and after the first speaker's second word I could see why

after 15 months, not only had they not been able to resolve the issue

but why it was causing increasing pain.

Can anybody guess what the second word was?

[Inaudible]

But what was the second word?

First word was "I".

- "I want." - "I think."

"I think", yes.

As soon as I heard the second word I could see why...

Notice my question of them was

"What needs of yours are not getting met?"

And instead of an answer I got "I think".

Immediately I knew: trouble.

And here is what the rest of the message said.

"I think that if we are to be in religious life,

we must take our commitments seriously

and dress as though... and dress in an appropriate way."

See, I asked for a need; that's what I got back.

And then, another religious sister said:

"Sister I agree, but I think.... ".

[Laughter]

See? Fifteen months.

What was the issue? The issue was whether to wear

traditional clothing or not. This was the issue.

Fifteen months have not been able to resolve it.

In fact, great pain in that 15 months, the community was divided;

but I asked "What are you needing?" and I got thoughts, thoughts.

You see?

So, it took me a while to teach them never to hear the thoughts.

Do not hear thoughts?

Only use the thoughts as a window.

Look through the thoughts to the needs that are behind.

Hear the needs behind, it will be a whole different world.

Don't hear thoughts.

They finally got it. They finally started to look through the words,

the thoughts, to what was behind and then

it was amazing how in a short time we resolved the conflict.

My partner Ruth Bebermeyer was with me at the time

and saw this miracle that comes whenever we hear through the words

to what's behind them.

♪ I feel so sentenced by your words ♫

♫ I feel so judged and sent away ♪

♪ before I go I'd like to know ♫

♫ is that what you meant to say? ♪

♪ Before I rise to my defense ♫

♫ before I speak in hurt your fear ♪

♪ before I build that wall of words ♫

♫ tell me did I really hear? ♪

♪ Words are windows or they're walls ♫

♫ they sentence us or set us free ♪

♪ when I speak and when I hear ♫

♫ let the love light shine through me. ♪

♪ There are things I need to say ♫

♫ things that mean so much to me ♪

♪ If my words don't make me clear ♫

♫ will you help me to be free?♪

♪ If I seemed to put you down ♫

♫ if you felt I didn't care ♪

♪ try to listen through my words ♫

♫ to the feelings that we share ♪

♪ Words are windows or they're walls ♫

♫ they sentence us or set us free ♪

♪ When I speak and when I hear ♫

♫ let the love light shine through me ♪

With your giraffe ears on, you hear the feelings behind the words;

you hear the needs.

Every moment we have feelings and needs,

so we're hearing the truth, what's really alive in this person now

it's better for you to hear only that

because then you don't live in a world of criticisms or judgements.

You take away all power from other people to dehumanize you,

when you have giraffe ears on.

You never have to worry about other people's reactions to what you say.

You can be honest without fear because you know:

i don't ever have to worry about how the other will respond

only what ears I have on to respond to their response;

but I can control that,

I can't control how others respond

and if I'm going to worry about something I can't control

I'll become a nice dead person.

I'll be afraid to reveal myself for fear.

"What if they say this?" Who cares what they say!

If you have giraffe years on, it's a gift; all they're saying is "Please! Please!"

So, let's hear the "please" behind the message that you hear.

First read off the message

and than let's hear how you heard the feelings and needs behind them.

- What I expect my daughter would say was:

"I can't control myself when I'm so angry"

- "I can't control myself when I'm so angry."

- And when I thought about it,

I would think I could say "Are you feeling frustrated because

you are needing some other ways to express your anger?"

- That's what I asked you to do,

to try to hear the feelings and needs, and even if that's not accurate,

notice what it does, even if it's wrong,

it demonstrates a value,

it demonstrates that you value what's alive in that person;

that you are taking the time

to try to connect with what is alive in that person.

when people trust that that's what's interesting to you

already we can solve anything, you see?

What makes it hard to resolve things

is when people feel the other person is only interested in winning.

They don't care about me,

they're just out to show me that I shouldn't do this.

But by just stopping and trying to connect

you've demonstrated a powerful value, that you value what's alive in her.

Ok? Another one! Yes?

Related to my son:

"Are you feeling distressed, confused, because you are needing help?"

That's the idea again, even if it's not accurate.

Notice, even if it's not accurate

it brings the other person's attention to their needs,

gives them a chance to correct it.

Better to be guessing wrong what a person's need is

than to hearing what they think.

You'll be living in a different world

when you are trying to connect with their needs

than the world you'll be living in if you hear what they think.

- I need some help in addressing

the feelings and needs behind the answer that I got back

which was one of the things that you said, before lunch,

which can be the most dangerous, when somebody...

you make a request and someone says "yes I'll do it that." - Ya!

- Can you help me, I mean, I could guess, what I wrote down was:

"Are you feeling...

"...pain because you're needing recognition for the job you're doing?"

- Ok. I like that. - But...

-Go ahead with the but.

"It feels like there's a huge leap from the response "Yes, I'll do that"

to me asking that question.

- Yes, it's... you're trying to sense what's really behind it.

That's one of the two giraffe ways. The other possibility

that would also be giraffe is to say "bullshit" in giraffe.

- How do you say "bullshit" in giraffe? [Laughter]

- "I'm feeling uneasy with your 'Ok'.

I wish I could trust it but I don't. I'd really like you to take a moment

and really tell me whether it would meet your needs to do as I requested".

So that's when [how] I would guess that the OK isn't OK,

so that's how I would say "bullshit" in giraffe.

Giraffes are not nice;

so much that I think that the violence in the world is create by nice people, so...

don't mistake the words "non-violence" as "being nice".

- "Are you feeling abandoned...?"

- Not a feeling, it's a thought. Don't encourage jackals to think that way.

- "Are you feeling afraid..." - Now we're cooking

- "...because you are needing reassurance..." - Now we are cooking.

- "...that I will not disappear." - ...that your needs will be taken care off.

Leave yourself out of the other person's needs.

They can live without you.

[Laughter]

All of their needs can be met without you.

- "How could I satisfy your needs?" Is that...

- "How could I satisfy your needs?" That's a jackal question.

That kind of question, if the other person is smart

they'll take the fifth amendment. [Laughter]

- Yes? - This was an answer to... when my daughter said:

"You sound like you're reading from a book!"

- "You sound like you're reading from a book!"

- And I'd say: "Are you feeling scared, separated or alienated

and are you needing to be responded to in a genuine heartfelt way?"

- "Yes, but you are doing it again when you do that!"

[Laughter]

So with such a jackal for a while,

until you make clear to them why you're doing it,

so they'll have less distrust of it,

you would do just as you said, but silently.

- Silently? - Yes.

Don't think we have to do this out loud for it to be powerful.

It can be powerful [even] if we don't say a word

as long as where our attention is, is here. You see?

You might have heard just that,

but maybe not have said it out loud.

That's all you can hear with the giraffe's ears on

and you can hear that even if you're silent

You don't have to say it out loud, you can just have heard that;

but you'll show that your attention is here, from your eyes,

because when we're hearing what is in a person's heart

our eyes are different than when we are hearing a criticism

or when we are making a criticism.

You see? Our eyes... it is not subtle.

Now the advantage of being able to say it out loud,

is that the person can correct us if we're not accurate;

but even if we don't say it out loud,

we live in a diffent world when we are connecting here

than when we're hearing criticism.

- This is a...

the question would be... that I would have asked...

would be something like... "I would like you to ask me for help if you need it."

- Yes, and then the person responds...

- "I'm afraid of becoming a burden."

- Now there's a pretty.. It's almost a giraffe response.

So how do you respond to this person "I'm afraid of becoming a burden."

Now, if you were a jackal you would say: "No, you wouldn't be a burden!"

So, If you are a jackal you would try to reassure.

Jackals try to fix people in pain.

They try to give reassurance,

they try to make it better, they can't stand pain.

They immediately make matters worse by trying to get rid of the pain.

In the book 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People'

by rabbi Harold Krushner,

he's talking about a very tragic time in his life,

when his oldest son is dying.

And he said: "What could be worse than watching my son die?

What could be worse were the things that good people were telling me

to make me feel better, that made me feel worse."

And what could be even more horrible than that?

What they were doing... what they were saying that made me feel worse

were exactly the things I had been saying to other people

for 20 years in my role as a rabbi."

He had been responding by trying to make it better.

So we don't want to do that now. This is an important message:

"Well I'm afraid that I'll be a burden."

So, put on giraffe ears.

What is this person feeling and needing when they say that?

- "Are you feeling...

- Afraid. They've already told you the feeling, that's easy.

So, afraid... So you're feeling afraid because why?

Why are they afraid?

- "...that you don't trust my offer to help?"

- Now put that in a need.

- "You need some reassurance..." - "...that I'll really be there"?

- No. "I need reassurance that if you're there,

you're doing it for you and not for me."

See? They want to be sure that if you're giving,

you're giving out of self-fullness, not selflessness.

- Now what about if you're not a hundred percent?

- Don't do it!

[Laughter]

I would suggest you heed Joseph Campbell's advice

when he, having studied all the basic myths of the world

and the basic religions, concludes that if there is one wise thing

that seems present in all the basic religions it's this:

"Don't do anything that isn't play."

Yes, don't do anything that isn't play;

and it'll be play if you're meeting your own needs.

So, don't do things for other people.

- "Well the only right way is for..." - Hold it! Hold it!

You're ears just dropped off, put your ears back on

because if your ears are on you will never hear the word "right".

It doesn't exist! If you hear that word it's going to be toxic.

Never hear another person telling you what's right.

It's not good for them, it's not good for you.

OK, so just hear feelings and needs.

- "Are you..." - "I've told you 30 times, you don't listen!

My god! Can't you see this bed?" - "Do it yourself" [Laughter]

- "I listen!" - Pardon?

- "I listen!" - "No you don't!"

- "I listen!" - "You're proving now you don't!"

[Laughter]

- "If you were listening you wouldn't say 'I listen!' "

- Isn't it funny how he always comes in? - Pardon me?

- It's funny how he always comes in. - Yeah.

So, what's this person feeling and needing?

Let me help you out. Do you want me to help you out with this jackal?

Let me put up some giraffe ears here.

"So jackal is it that

it's frustrating when you have a certain sense of order

and you'd really like to have that order maintained in the house?

- Well that's a part of it! But it's not the only thing,

it's that I told him over and over again!

- Oh so... is it that you feel hurt

because you have a need to feel like your needs matter?

- Yes! It's like if what I say doesn't matter to him! He doesn't care!

- Ahh, so what's really the pain for you in this

is your need to feel like you matter, that your needs matter? - Yes!"

[Laughter]

- So, how do you feel when you hear the jackal say this?

- I'm feeling...ehmm

like I don't... oh, that's not a feeling.

- I'm glad you catched it.

- I'm feeling confused! I'm feeling confused! ... ehm...

primarily because I can't identify the needs that are being expressed.

- So you'd really like to be able to hear a need like that

when it's really going on!

- Yeah, I would like that.

- "You don't act like you do. - Hold it jackal!

That isn't gonna make it easier for him jackal... [Laughter]

That isn't gonna make it easy...

So you really... it's really painful for you.

It's hard to believe that he cares enough to really matter.

- Yes, you know, 'cause I told him over and over so!

- So it's really for you an issue of whether your needs matter

- yes!"

- I'm feeling that it's not so much...

...the beds or the dishes though.

I'm feeling it's something else. - "I'm just telling you what it is.

It's the general fear I have that my needs don't matter to you."

How do you feel when the jackal tells you that?

- Still confused. - What makes you confused about this?

- Cause I don't know how to respond to those needs

- What it would take is just empathy;

if she could just feel the empathy that I just gave her;

if you could just say: "Are you feeling in pain

because you have the need for reassurance that your needs matter?

- Yes, yes! I've tried to tell you that for years! You don't listen!"

- I'm guessing now I'm feeling sad because I'm not meeting ..ehm...

...the needs.

- Hold your sadness, she needs more empathy.

This is what often happens: we get to our feelings too quickly!

With my help we just got started, we just... this is not the end...

There is a lot more pain in there that she needs empathy for,

before she can hear your sadness, so... "Jackal,

am I hearing you that for you the real painful issue here is

not being confident that your needs matter.

- My needs have never mattered in any relationship,

not in my family and not now!

- Oh. So what's real painful is for you to feel that your needs matter

and this has been going on a long time.

- Yes!

- Hmm.

- Yes! I've done everything I can, I've told him over and over again!

- So you do everything you know how

and when your needs still don't get responded to, it really hurts?

- Yes!

- hmm"

Now, see, it hasn't been easy for me to give this jackal empathy.

I was wanting to jump in and educate her, "but the way you're asking for it, jackal

I think is gonna make it hard for people to give it to you, see?"

I wanted to say that almost every time,

so I had to take a deep breath and realize

empathic connection before education.

Now is not the time to educate,

that the way you're asking for it is gonna make it it pretty hard

for somebody without super-powered giraffe ears to hear your needs.

- A question on that:

Doesn't the situation require some kind of resolution or solution...

- Yes! Yes! And the resolution, the solution will find us

when the connection is there.

What connection? You see...

Here's your wife's needs.

Here's your needs.

When she hears your needs

without hearing any criticism or demand

and you hear her needs without any criticism and demand,

the solution will find you.

The conflict will resolve itself. It does need to be resolved,

but what most of us do is: we skip this and go right to here.

For example:

I sometimes do workshops

just with married couples

or other people living together in a love relationship.

And what we do to begin the workshop

we identify the couple who has had a conflict,

the longest outstanding conflict that could not be resolved;

[Laughter]

and I make a prediction and it's right.

My prediction has being accurate in al... in maybe...

I'm sure at least 75% of the cases. My prediction is this:

that we will resolve the conflict within twenty minutes.

Within twenty minutes from the point at which

both parties can tell me what the other party is needing.

OK? Now, one time we've found a couple married thirty-nine years

thirty-nine years at a conflict, had not been able to resolve this conflict.

The wife said to me: "Marshall I can tell you right now

we're not going to be able to resolve this within twenty minutes."

We have a good marriage, we communicate well,

but this is just one of those things that we are different people

and we just have a conflict!"

Then I said: "Let me correct one thing:

I didn't say we're going to resolve it within twenty minutes.

I said within twenty minutes from the point at which

you can both tell me what the other party is needing."

"Oh!" she said "Marshall, we've been married thirty-nine years

and we've talked about something almost every day.

I can tell you, we understand each other.

The problem isn't that, we are just two different people in this issue."

"Well" I said "I've been wrong before, I can sure be wrong this time;

but, let's see! We'll find out within twenty minutes, so...

First, tell me what is needs are in this situation!"

- He doesn't want me to spend any money!"

he responds immediately: "That's ridiculous!"

Thirty-nine years of communication! [Laughter]

Now, first of all "doesn't want me to spend any money" is not a need.

Needs and strategies need to be separated.

They have been talking about how much money she could spend and not spend,

but the most important issue was whether...

...whether who takes care of the chequebook.

He unilaterally controlled the chequebook,

which was really the main issue between them.

You see? But that's ... I'm saying,

I don't even want the couple to talk about the strategies and the solutions

until the connection is there.

When the connection is there, the conflicts usually resolve themselves.

So I've pointed out to her: "No, that's not a need,

and even if it was notice he's saying that it's not accurate."

She goes "Ok, let me then tell you what his needs are, Marshall.

You see, he's just like his own father:

they both have a depression mentality when it comes to money ..."

"Oh...", I said, "Stop! Stop! [Laughter]

Now I'm hearing psycho-analytic Jackal.

[Laughter]

Now it's going to take another thirty-nine years if you get into that.

No, I'm not asking for an analysis of his personality,

I'm saying: what are his needs?"

She didn't know. After thirty-nine years

she had no awareness, consciousness of his needs.

So I said to him: "OK, well, she doesn't know, why don't you tell her?"

- Well Marshall, let me tell you what her needs are:

you see, she's a lovely woman, a lovely woman;

a wonderful mother, a wonderful wife,

but when it comes to money, she's totally irresponsible."

Here comes another 39 years, you see... [Laughter]

I asked for a need and he gives me a diagnosis.

And of course she immediately says: "That's unfair!"

I said "Hold it, hold it, hold it."

So I could see they didn't have a need literacy

so I had to loan them my ears.

So with giraffe ears of course I'm consciouss that all judgements

"she's totally irresponsible" is a tragic expression of an unmet need.

You see? So if she would have had these ears

they would have been able to resolve this in the first year of their marriage.

But she didn't, she was taking it personally. So I helped them out:

I said "When you say she's irresponsible, are you feeling frightened

and need to be sure the family is protected economically?"

He said: "That's exactly what I mean!"

Well it wasn't what he's been saying for 39 years;

but he didn't know how to say his feelings and needs.

OK, so I've got his needs identified.

He was scared, wanted to protect the family economically.

I turned to his wife and said:

"Could you tell me back what you heard him say?

- But because I did, you know, one time I overdue the checkbook

when we were you know first married, now he thinks... - Excuse me,"

Notice what her first word that she said was: "But"

See, she doesn't know the cardinal giraffe rule:

"Never put your 'but' in the face of an angry person."

[Laughter]

I said: "What are his feelings and needs?

- But! - No no no no no no no...

What are his feelings and needs?

Want me to repeat them? - Yeah.

- I hear him saying he's scared...

- Well, but... - Hold it! hold it!

Calm down, calm down...

Hear his feelings and needs." See but after 39 years of enemy image

it's not easy for somebody to shift these images.

Once we get one of these images in our mind of the other person's wrongness,

even when they are expressing their needs we don't hear it.

These enemy images are hard to get past, you see?

So she's been seeing him as cheap

and having this depression mentality for 39 years.

So she can't see the human being behind her image.

I said "Let me repeat it again. I hear him saying he's scared

because he needs to protect the family economically.

Could you say back... - Yeah, he thinks I'm irresponsible."

- Let's try it again..." After three more repetitions, finally,

she could hear his needs and feelings separated from her judgements.

Finally. Yes?

Did you try to empathize with her at any point,

or did you just keep repeating his need and try to get her to...

- Yes, after I had tried twice to get her to hear it,

I could see she was in too much pain to hear him,

so I had to do what I was just demonstrating like this.

Actually I needed to give her some emergency first aid empathy,

before I could pull her by the ears to get her to hear him.

If after I tried two times to pull the jackal by the ears,

it's hard to do that because they keep trying to bite.

Then I back off: "So it really hurts when you hear criticism?

- Yes! Yes, I mean blah blah blah...

- Yes, so you really need to be trusted? - Yes, bla bla bla bla...

- Now I'd like to repeat what he said

and I'd like to have you tell me back what you heard."

So I did had to do a little bit of cleaning up the mess before I could...

See, every image that she's heard in the past,

every criticism that she'd heard for years, that she was irresponsible,

now it's hard for her to hear the need

that was being expressed all along behind that.

So finally I get her to hear his feelings and needs.

OK, we're half way through. Now this much took me an hour.

Now, I try to help her.

"So could you tell me what your needs are?

- Well just because I... overdrew the checkbook before,

that doesn't mean I'm not going to do it again."

He said "Yes, but we could be out of money by then!

- Excuse me, excuse me...

So, you're already frustrated and if I hear you correctly,

you have a need for some trust that you can learn how to handle money.

- Yes! - OK.

Husband, could you tell me back...

- Yeah and we'll be out of money by then! - Excuse me, excuse me...

Could you tell me what her feelings and needs are?

Would you like me to repeat it? - Yes! - OK." [Laughter]

About three more repititions he hears her,

it didn't take 20 minutes to resolve it at that point.

Whenever I go into situations where there's been a lot of conflict,

I don't even allow the people to talk about strategies

until they're connected at the heart level.

I was working with two tribes in northern Nigeria,

one christian tribe and one muslim tribe.

One quarter of the population killed in one year.

One out of four people killed.

Took my colleague 6 months to get them to agree

to come into a room together. During that 6 months, 60 people killed,

so by the time it took us to get everybody into a room together,

60 people killed.

Now it's not husband and wife I have on opposite ends of the table,

but the chiefs of two tribes.

I start the same way I did with the husband and wife:

"I'd like to hear you express your needs. What needs are not being met?"

I'm pretty much guessing ahead of time I'm not gonna get an answer to my question,

because if people had been communicating at the need level

there wouldn't have been 100 people dead.

So I wasn't surprised when instead of getting an answer to my question

I got this back "These people are murderers!"

"Well you've been trying to dominate us!"

See, I asked for needs, I get back diagnosis.

So just as with a husband and wife, I put my ears on

translate each statement into a need.

Get the other side to hear it. It wasn't easy

I had to do a lot of first aid empathy to get...

because like when I got this person behind murderers, was:

"So you are frightened of any use of violence to resolve conflict

and want some agreement to resolve it in some other way?

- Yes exactly! - OK.

- Could you say back what you heard?

- Then why did you kill my child?"

So it wasn't too easy.

But anyway... It took about an hour again

for me to get one need expressed, one need heard.

One need expressed, one need heard.

And one of the chiefs who hadn't spoken yet said to me:

"If we know how to communicate this way we won't have to kill each other."

See it just took one hour to see that if they can just stay connected

at the heart level nobody has to die.

There's plenty of resources for getting everybody's needs met.

But we lose that when we get up into our head

and start to analyze wrongness.

Yes?

- Does this need understanding develop into a...

well sort of a... not necessarily give and take...

but one person would give in to the other persons needs...

No, no compromising in Giraffe. Not necessary to compromise.

Everybody's needs can get met.

Nobody has to give in, nobody has to give anything up.

Because I agree with what you have to say

and especially when it comes to doing things for other people

because my theory is if I do something for someone else,

that gives the person power over me... - Well, let me put it this way:

if you do anything that involves giving in,

both people pay for it.

Nothing has been resolved. It's going to create problems.

- So is there a needs dialogue or a needs literacy you mentioned that...

- I have the need literacy in my book.

And if you want to develop your need literacy

I suggest you do the following activity:

First identify your most frequently used jackals,

the ones you use the most and, next, the ones you are most afraid of.

Do it this way: first, on a list,

make a list of how you talk to yourself when you are less than perfect.

And those of you over here who said you are perfect,

you'll have to skip this part. [Laughter]

But for those of you who aren't perfect

make a list of how are you most likely

to speak to yourself when you are less than perfect.

So that's Jackal-list number one.

Next, make a second list.

What are the Jackal messages that go on in you

when you are angry at others?

So when you are judging others and you are angry,

what are you most likely to be saying to yourself

or out loud about the other person?

So that's Jackal-list number two.

Jackal-list number three: list those things that when other people say it

at the moment you respond to defensively or agressively.

And put on that list

things that you have been so afraid that people might think it of you,

that you've become a nice dead person to avoid it.

In other words, put into that list

not only what people have said that got you defensive,

but things you're scared that they might say.

OK, now do this exercise to build your need literacy:

go back over that first list of...

...what you say to yourself when you are less than perfect.

Now, for each judgement

think of what might have been the stimulus for it.

We've got to relate each of these to a specific context.

So, say to yourself... let's say the first thing you have in your list,

List number 1: "What a dumb thing to do!" OK.

Think of what you might have done to stimulate that. OK.

Then put on giraffe ears and hear the need behind stupid.

I'm saying that all judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Ask yourself: when I say that to myself in that situation: "How stupid!"

What need am I expressing through that judgment?

What need of mine isn't getting met?

And here's where you can use the list in my book.

If you can't come up with it yourself, just look through the list

and your body will tell you when you're getting close.

Really, because: "Ah yeah yeah. That's what my need is!"

You see, the need comes much closer to the truth

than any judgement you make of yourself.

So do that for every item on the list.

Second: what you tell yourself when you are angry at others.

Again, identify concretely

what the other person might have done to stimulate this.

Then ask yourself this question:

When I judge people as idiots for doing it,

what need of mine was not being met in that situation?

Again try to guess it without my list but if you can't find it

look through my list to find the one that comes closest.

The third list: what others say to you to get you defensive.

Practice putting on the giraffe ears,

imagine what you did to stimulate it,

and in that situation guess what the other person's needs were

that weren't getting met.

So you see, it's just learning a new language.

Learning where everytime there are these jackal judgements

to, as quickly as possible, to bring yourself back to life.

Or more specifically, connect to needs.

Needs are life.

Yes?

- My question is: I never know what to do

when I know I'm never going to meet another person's expectations of me.

- Yes. Well first of all, never hear an expectation.

That's thoughts, expectations are thoughts. Don't hear it.

Don't even hear expectations. Hear what the need is.

What is the need that the person is asking for you to meet?

You don't want to live up to expectations, but it is fun to meet needs.

- Do you think that human beings

can always meet other people's needs if they're real?

All of our needs can be met. I don't think you have to do it;

there's several billion other people that can meet the other person's needs.

Even if you could do it you may choose not to.

And that wont be a problem. The other person can hear a "no"

if they first feel empathy for their feelings and needs.

That will leave them feeling at least that their feelings and needs matter.

- Right. That makes sense.

- Yes, but then again you have to know how to say "no" in giraffe.

- That would be good for me to learn. - Well, let me help you out.

Never use the following words when you are saying "no" in giraffe:

"No."

[Laughter]

"I can't."

"I don't want to."

"I don't have time."

"It's not possible."

Now you know how not to do it right?

Now here's how you do it:

To say "no" in giraffe you need to be conscious

that a "no" is a poor expression of a need.

So say the need that keeps you from saying yes.

[Inaudible request from someone] - No. [Laughter]

So if you had giraffe ears on, just now,

you wouldn't have heard me saying no. You would have said:

"What is Marshall's need that is keeping him from saying yes?"

And you might have said back to me "Marshall are you having a need

for completion of other things you'd like to do right now?"

You see? You would have tried to hear the need behind the "no".

So what I said is, all "no's" are tragic expressions of a need.

So say the need that keeps you from saying yes. Don't say "no."

- The way that I have this framed I feel as though I am...

...responding to a person's expectations.

So it's a work environment:

"Are you feeling afraid of being held responsible

for the quality and quantity of the work that I'm doing?"

And this is to a supervisor.

- "Are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself?"

That might be the need that I hear you guessing

"Are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this manner?"

I guess when I hear that I feel afraid

because I'm inferring that there's a danger

and that they have a fear of some danger.

- If that is what you're guessing is alive in them you're not saying it's right.

We never say "you are feeling." We always say "are you feeling?"

We may be wrong, but we're trying to get clear what's going on in this person.

"Are you feeling afraid and need to protect yourself?"

- And taking the "my performance" part out of it.

You're saying take the "me" out of the giraffe ears.

- Yes, just try to hear the feelings and needs without you.

We know what that is in this situation;

they're talking to you about some things you've done or haven't done;

so, in the context we're pretty clear what's going on.

What we want to hear now is their feelings and needs.

Are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this matter?

Now if this is in many settings where...

the people are not used to having feelings dealt with

the other person might get very upset

with having their feelings being talked about.

In which case you do it silently, but

if you are a giraffe you hear feelings and needs in every message.

Whether you do it out loud or not.

Politically we adjust when we might do it out loud,

but we don't allow anything else into our consciousness

except this other person's feelings and needs.

- I think you said earlier

that there's no compromise in giraffe communication

and so I would find it instructional to know

how the problem between the husband and wife was resolved

and how it was a win-win situation for both of them.

- First, once there is empathy,

people feel that their feelings and needs matter,

which is done through the empathy.

You don't have the competitiveness, you don't have the charge,

so here's how it went: after they both heard each other,

he heard that it would really hurt for her not to be trusted...

...that she could learn;

and once he felt really understood

how scared he was that she would do what she did

when they first got married and overdraw the account,

she could hear that he wanted to protect the family.

I think most six year old children could resolve the conflicts

that get nations into wars in which thousands are killed

if you gave the six year olds... you said look:

"Here are the needs on both sides, here are the resources."

I'm confident most six year olds could solve the conflict.

So in this it doesn't take a genius, what did they do?

She said "I want a trial period to learn how to do it."

First he said: "I'm scared, because you know,

you could go through a lot of money learning."

So she agreed that during the trial period he would supervise her

until he felt comfortable that she knew how to do it.

OK, that took about seven minutes.

But they hadn't been able to get to that in 39 years

because of all the enemy images, the hurt and so forth.

How do you deal with a situation when you have a...

similar needs and you attempt to express them to each other

and... you sense,

as the emotions build up

because of apparent competitive edge working

that our mutual needs are not being heard

by either of the jackals.

Then you either need to get third party

to give both of them the empathy they need to hear each other.

So if two people are in pain, they don't know how to

give themselves enough empathy to be able to hear the other side,

then you need to get a third party

to give the empathy to each of them so they can then hear each other.

And that third party

should be together with these two individuals, or separately?

There are different ways to do that.

If they are together, there are some advantages,

but it could be to give empathy to both sides separately

and then help each side to hear the other side

and then bring them together.

- Thank you.