OFFLINE - Full Film

Offline is a short disaster comedy film that takes the very real threat of losing your internet connection and treats it like it's the actual end of the world.

Watch the director's commentary for this film, with Ciaran and Myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL3s2rWuLm4&list=PLpYRKCyl7_ZIQS9Z9qrdGTCicWLE4GzJh&index=2

Crew:

Directed by Charlie McDonnell
Written by Alan Flanagan (http://parallelevision.wordpress.com/) & Charlie McDonnell
Executive Producers: Stephen Follows & Edward L. Dark (http://catsnake.com/)
Producer: Emily Diana Ruth (http://www.youtube.com/emilieofnewgloom)
Director Of Photography: Ciaran O'Brien (http://youtube.com/funnycatvideos)
Production Designer: Éléonore Cremonese
Composer: Todd Bryanton (http://www.youtube.com/LilDeuceDeuce)
1st Assistant Director: Jamie Miller
Associate Producer: Lucy Fazey
Production Assistants: James Hollingworth & Alyssa Thorne
1st Assistant Camera: Daniel J. Layton (http://www.youtube.com/DanielJLayton)
2nd Assistant Camera: Sam Caplat
Sound Recordist: Peter Allen
Make-up Artist: Natalia Anakkar
Wardrobe: Chloe Trayner
Art Directors: Anna Page & Charlie Austin
Editor: Charlie McDonnell
Sound Designer & Mixer: Dan Pugsley
Colourist: Ciaran O'Brien
Opening Title: Jonny Eveson (http://twitter.com/jonnyeveson)

Cast:
Hazel Hayes as Kate Maxwell (http://www.youtube.com/user/ChewingSand)
Raymond Walsh as Jack Drummer
Jake Unsworth as Barry Pringle
Lou Marie Kerr as Liz Mcroon
Charlie McDonnell as Charlie Donlon
Antigoni Spanou as Cleaning Lady
Pauline Menear as Maud
Darren Cockrill as Derek Blythe
Elijah Garcia as Panic Man
Lee Nicholas Harris as Paramedic 1
Martin Crossingham as Paramedic 2

A QualiTea Productions & Catsnake Film Motion Picture
Copyright QualiTea Productions 2013

(typewriter keys clicking)

(eerie music)

(door creaks open)

- I'm sorry Mr Blythe

- Is the internet running at maximum capacity?

- Well that's the problem, I don't know

if our servers can handle it.

- Nonsense!

This is DigiBitWave, we are the internet!

Set the internet speed to double maximum.

- But you don't understand, Mr. Blythe.

there could be dire consequences.

- I said double maximum!

Or I'll feed you to Grandma over there.

You like that, Maude?

(hissing)

- Okay.

(water pouring)

- No, you coffee bastard!

Is there a First Aid kit?

(snapshot sound)

(snapshot sound)

- It's for Gourmet Live, you probably have it.

It's kinda like Snapchat meets

Great British Bake Off.

You take live snaps of food and drink

then you post them on this feed...

- Here you go.

Are you sure you should be drinking caffeine in your--

- Die you poxy Elfin munters!

- Right.

(sighing)

(keyboard keys clicking)

- So, Kate.

How about me and you slip off for a minute

and make that stationary cupboard

a little less stationary?

- (sighs) Look, Barry, I don't--

- Is that your ex-boyfriend?

I mean he's your ex-boyfriend right?

You said--

- Yes I am.

Always a pleasure Barry.

- Barry, Jack is just here to help me with something, so--

- I hope this is work related.

Just because you're staying late

does not mean you can slack off!

I'm watching you.

- How are you?

- Good, thanks.

I just need to submit this tonight

and the site keeps bouncing it back.

So, university?

- Yeah.

This dream had to end sometime.

Can Digi Bit Wave live without me?

- Right. Fixed it.

The data structure was bouncing it back.

But it's still not...

Ah, I hate these forms!

- Well, what if we just...

(error noise)

Oh.

- It's happened.

May God have mercy on us all.

- Noo!

Gourmet Live! Gourmet Live!

Where, where, where's the iPlayer?!

(screaming)

(sobbing)

- We have a dire situation here people.

The Wi-Fi's down.

Jack here says there's no way to fix it.

And I have a Wrestle Mania belt on Ebay

that's being outbid from under me as we speak!

- Yeah, and if I don't livestream this chow mein

in the next 20 minutes I'm gonna get

knocked off the Gourmet Live hotspot.

- Why don't you all just go home?

There isn't time, Jack, there isn't time!

My Dwarven mages!

Pull yourself together Elizabeth!

- Jesus, mate!

She's like mega pregnant!

- No, he's right.

(sobs) He's right.

- Listen, Jack.

This is gonna sound really stupid

but my application is due in 30 minutes

and that's my only copy.

- Dear God.

Okay people, what about your phones?

Don't you have 3G?

I was gonna get an iPhone, but Blythe kept on promising

to upgrade us and he never did.

- Jack, look at this!

- Of course!

The dongle!

We can get online with that.

- But how are we supposed to get into Blythe's office?

- All right, people.

We are here.

And we need to get into Blythe's office upstairs.

It's being guarded by Maude here.

We need to find a way to distract her and get into the office.

The door is locked but the cleaning lady

has the key and she's...

Well, she's right there.

- Can we move this along, please?

- Oh my God, Liz, I think your water just broke.

Are you in labour?

- Look, how in labour, or not in labour I am is irrelevant!

There are Revaluvian Orcs going un-beheaded.

- Okay.

I think I have a plan.

I've been writing this for a while now,

It's probably my masterpiece.

Think "Brachdian"

- Aye, aye, aye, aye

My bambino is coming!

Don't worry my little, uh..

daughter? Uhm..

- Is she okay?

- She's uhm.. The bambino is on the way.

- Why.. Why did you want this.. this chow mein?

- I'm sorry I cannot watch this anymore.

- Just a little more

and you can go back to work.

I promise.

- This is a one-star mess!

- Well, I mean it's not that bad.

- One-star mess!

(keys dropping)

What are you doing?

- Look, if I give you 20 quid

will you give us the keys to Blythe's office?

- Okay.

- Yeah!!! (triumphant laughing)

(slow motion) Nooooooooo.

(crying)

Oh God, why?

See you guys tomorrow.

- All the best, Johnny.

- See you. Merry Christmas.

(elevator door shuts)

So uhm.

You left some stuff at mine.

- Yeah. It's crap. I don't need it.

Thanks.

- Well, I don't want it.

- Okay. Fine.

- I didn't mean..

- What the hell is going on?

Oh. I called an ambulance.

What?!?

(screaming)

- Liz, you're like fully in labor.

There is a baby

coming out of your vagina.

- But what about Insane Dwarf Asylum?

- Oh the dwarfs can wait, Liz.

The dwarfs can wait.

- I'll kill you.

I'll kill you all.

She slept with Barry.

- You slept with this sleek?

- Look, can we just get on

with distracting Maude and not..

- Kate.

- Fine. Yes. I slept with Barry.

And that's why I broke up with you.

Because I felt really guilty about it.

You know what,

maybe if you weren't so sleazy

and gross, and totally mysogynistic

and unskilled and a little bit sweaty actually

Maybe I would've done it again.

- I'm sorry, Kate.

I have been a sleaze.

I think it's time I paid the price.

- No. No, you can't.

- I must.

- Barry, it's not worth that.

- Please. Don't.

- Shh.

I know what I have to do.

(typing)

How about you and me

slip away for a minute

and make that stationery cupboard

a little less..

(door opens)

(thumping and crying noises)

- Amazing!

And ten minutes to go!

Okay, would you mind just having a quick look?

- Yeah, of course.

- Thank you.

- You know, Kate

It's okay.

Things weren't going well and

You made a mistake.

How about after this is over

we grab a drink and see what happens?

- That sounds really nice.

- I can't believe I almost threw away

a guy like you.

(laughing)

- It's T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E.

My god.

A three-year old could've written this.

Might not be not how I would've worded it

But you might still get in.

Let's see.

Full stop in there.

You could do with these

in this odd paragraph here.

Maybe. Just a suggestion.

(music)