What you don't know about marriage
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0:00 - 0:03Every year in the United States alone,
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0:03 - 0:062,077,000 couples
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0:06 - 0:09make a legal and spiritual decision
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0:09 - 0:13to spend the rest of their lives together ...
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0:13 - 0:15(Laughter)
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0:15 - 0:18and not to have sex with anyone else,
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0:18 - 0:21ever.
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0:21 - 0:24He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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0:24 - 0:26They go shopping
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0:26 - 0:28for all sorts of things.
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0:28 - 0:30She takes him to Arthur Murray
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0:30 - 0:33for ballroom dancing lessons.
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0:33 - 0:35And the big day comes.
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0:35 - 0:38And they'll stand before God and family
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0:38 - 0:41and some guy her dad once did business with,
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0:41 - 0:43and they'll vow that nothing,
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0:43 - 0:45not abject poverty,
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0:45 - 0:48not life-threatening illness,
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0:48 - 0:51not complete and utter misery
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0:51 - 0:54will ever put the tiniest damper
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0:54 - 0:56on their eternal love and devotion.
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0:56 - 0:58(Laughter)
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0:58 - 1:00These optimistic young bastards
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1:00 - 1:02promise to honor and cherish each other
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1:02 - 1:04through hot flashes
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1:04 - 1:07and mid-life crises
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1:07 - 1:10and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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1:10 - 1:13until that far-off day
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1:13 - 1:15when one of them is finally able
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1:15 - 1:18to rest in peace.
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1:18 - 1:21You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.
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1:21 - 1:23And then they'll get stupid drunk
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1:23 - 1:26and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena,"
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1:26 - 1:28and we'll be there
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1:28 - 1:30showering them with towels and toasters
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1:30 - 1:32and drinking their free booze
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1:32 - 1:34and throwing birdseed at them
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1:34 - 1:36every single time --
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1:36 - 1:38even though we know,
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1:38 - 1:40statistically,
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1:40 - 1:43half of them will be divorced within a decade.
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1:43 - 1:46(Laughter)
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1:46 - 1:48Of course, the other half won't, right?
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1:48 - 1:51They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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1:51 - 1:54and arguing about where to spend holidays
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1:54 - 1:56and debating which way
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1:56 - 1:58the toilet paper
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1:58 - 2:00should come off of the roll.
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2:00 - 2:02And some of them
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2:02 - 2:06will even still be enjoying each others' company
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2:06 - 2:09when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
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2:09 - 2:12And researchers want to know why.
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2:12 - 2:15I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study
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2:15 - 2:19to figure out what makes a marriage not work.
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2:19 - 2:21Disrespect, boredom,
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2:21 - 2:24too much time on Facebook,
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2:24 - 2:26having sex with other people.
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2:26 - 2:29But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --
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2:29 - 2:32respect, excitement,
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2:32 - 2:34a broken Internet connection,
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2:34 - 2:38mind-numbing monogamy --
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2:38 - 2:41and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket.
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2:41 - 2:44So what's going on when it doesn't?
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2:44 - 2:46What do the folks who make it
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2:46 - 2:48all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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2:48 - 2:50have in common?
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2:50 - 2:52What are they doing right?
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2:52 - 2:55What can we learn from them?
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2:55 - 2:59And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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2:59 - 3:01why should you stop what you're doing
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3:01 - 3:03and make it your life's work
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3:03 - 3:06to find that one special person
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3:06 - 3:09that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
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3:09 - 3:12Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars
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3:12 - 3:14trying to figure that out.
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3:14 - 3:16They stalk blissful couples
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3:16 - 3:19and they study their every move and mannerism.
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3:19 - 3:21And they try to pinpoint what it is
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3:21 - 3:23that sets them apart
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3:23 - 3:25from their miserable neighbors and friends.
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3:25 - 3:27And it turns out,
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3:27 - 3:29the success stories
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3:29 - 3:31share a few similarities,
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3:31 - 3:34actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
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3:34 - 3:37For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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3:37 - 3:40the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.
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3:40 - 3:42(Laughter)
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3:42 - 3:44Obvious, right.
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3:44 - 3:46It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss
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3:46 - 3:48because, women, we care a great deal
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3:48 - 3:50about being thin and good looking,
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3:50 - 3:53whereas men mostly care about sex ...
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3:53 - 3:55ideally with women
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3:55 - 3:57who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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3:57 - 3:59The beauty of this research though
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3:59 - 4:01is that no one is suggesting
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4:01 - 4:03that women have to be thin to be happy;
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4:03 - 4:06we just have to be thinner than our partners.
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4:06 - 4:08So instead of all that laborious
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4:08 - 4:10dieting and exercising,
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4:10 - 4:14we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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4:14 - 4:16maybe bake a few pies.
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4:16 - 4:18This is good information to have,
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4:18 - 4:21and it's not that complicated.
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4:21 - 4:23Research also suggests
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4:23 - 4:25that the happiest couples
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4:25 - 4:27are the ones that focus on the positives.
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4:27 - 4:29For example, the happy wife.
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4:29 - 4:32Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut
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4:32 - 4:34or suggesting he go for a run,
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4:34 - 4:36she might say,
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4:36 - 4:39"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way
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4:39 - 4:42to make me relatively thinner."
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4:42 - 4:45These are couples who can find good in any situation.
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4:45 - 4:47"Yeah, it was devastating
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4:47 - 4:50when we lost everything in that fire,
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4:50 - 4:53but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars,
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4:53 - 4:55and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat
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4:55 - 4:57to keep us warm."
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4:57 - 5:00One of my favorite studies found
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5:00 - 5:03that the more willing a husband is to do house work,
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5:03 - 5:06the more attractive his wife will find him.
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5:06 - 5:10Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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5:10 - 5:12But here's what's going on here.
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5:12 - 5:15The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;
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5:15 - 5:17the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;
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5:17 - 5:19the nicer he is to her,
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5:19 - 5:22the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed --
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5:22 - 5:25and ultimately, they live happily ever after.
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5:25 - 5:28In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch
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5:28 - 5:31in the domestic department.
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5:31 - 5:33Here's an interesting one.
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5:33 - 5:35One study found
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5:35 - 5:38that people who smile in childhood photographs
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5:38 - 5:40are less likely to get a divorce.
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5:40 - 5:42This is an actual study,
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5:42 - 5:44and let me clarify.
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5:44 - 5:46The researchers were not looking
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5:46 - 5:48at documented self-reports of childhood happiness
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5:48 - 5:50or even studying old journals.
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5:50 - 5:52The data were based entirely
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5:52 - 5:55on whether people looked happy
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5:55 - 5:57in these early pictures.
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5:57 - 6:00Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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6:00 - 6:02but when I was a kid,
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6:02 - 6:04your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera
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6:04 - 6:07that held something called film,
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6:07 - 6:11and, by God, film was expensive.
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6:11 - 6:13They didn't take 300 shots of you
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6:13 - 6:16in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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6:16 - 6:18and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one
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6:18 - 6:20for the Christmas card.
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6:20 - 6:22Oh no.
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6:22 - 6:24They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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6:24 - 6:26and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to
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6:26 - 6:29or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.
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6:29 - 6:31But still, I have a huge pile
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6:31 - 6:33of fake happy childhood pictures
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6:33 - 6:36and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people
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6:36 - 6:38to get a divorce.
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6:38 - 6:40So what else can you do
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6:40 - 6:42to safeguard your marriage?
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6:42 - 6:45Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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6:45 - 6:47(Laughter)
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6:47 - 6:49I'm serious.
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6:49 - 6:51Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
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6:51 - 6:53Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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6:53 - 6:55all of them single
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6:55 - 6:57soon after taking home that statue.
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6:57 - 6:59They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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6:59 - 7:01It is the marriage kiss of death
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7:01 - 7:04and something that should be avoided.
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7:04 - 7:06And it's not just successfully starring in films
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7:06 - 7:08that's dangerous.
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7:08 - 7:12It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy
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7:12 - 7:15causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.
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7:15 - 7:17(Laughter)
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7:17 - 7:19Apparently, the bitter realization
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7:19 - 7:23that maybe it could happen to us,
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7:23 - 7:25but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,
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7:25 - 7:27makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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7:27 - 7:29in comparison.
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7:29 - 7:31And theoretically,
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7:31 - 7:34I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered
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7:34 - 7:36or dies in a fiery car crash,
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7:36 - 7:39we are more likely to walk out of that theater
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7:39 - 7:42feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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7:42 - 7:45Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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7:45 - 7:47is bad for your marriage.
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7:47 - 7:49Yeah.
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7:49 - 7:51I can't tell you anymore about that one
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7:51 - 7:53because I stopped reading it at the headline.
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7:53 - 7:55But here's a scary one:
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7:55 - 7:58Divorce is contagious.
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7:58 - 8:01That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up,
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8:01 - 8:03it increases your chances of getting a divorce
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8:03 - 8:06by 75 percent.
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8:06 - 8:09Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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8:09 - 8:11My husband and I
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8:11 - 8:14have watched quite a few friends divide their assets
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8:14 - 8:16and then struggle
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8:16 - 8:19with being our age and single
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8:19 - 8:21in an age of sexting and Viagra
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8:21 - 8:23and eHarmony.
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8:23 - 8:25And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage
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8:25 - 8:28than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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8:29 - 8:31So now you may be wondering,
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8:31 - 8:34why does anyone get married ever?
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8:35 - 8:38Well the U.S. federal government
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8:38 - 8:40counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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8:40 - 8:42to being someone's spouse --
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8:42 - 8:45a list that includes visitation rights in jail,
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8:45 - 8:47but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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8:47 - 8:51But beyond the profound federal perks,
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8:51 - 8:53married people make more money.
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8:53 - 8:55We're healthier,
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8:55 - 8:58physically and emotionally.
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8:58 - 9:00We produce happier, more stable
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9:00 - 9:03and more successful kids.
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9:03 - 9:05We have more sex
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9:05 - 9:07than our supposedly swinging single friends --
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9:07 - 9:09believe it or not.
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9:09 - 9:11We even live longer,
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9:11 - 9:13which is a pretty compelling argument
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9:13 - 9:15for marrying someone you like a lot
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9:15 - 9:18in the first place.
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9:18 - 9:21Now if you're not currently experiencing
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9:21 - 9:24the joy of the joint tax return,
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9:24 - 9:27I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person
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9:27 - 9:30of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness
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9:30 - 9:32who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
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9:32 - 9:34hovering on the brink of divorce,
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9:34 - 9:37but I can only encourage you to try,
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9:37 - 9:39because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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9:39 - 9:41are significant.
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9:41 - 9:44The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it,
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9:44 - 9:47I believe marriage is an institution
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9:47 - 9:50worth pursuing and protecting.
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9:50 - 9:52So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today
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9:52 - 9:54to weigh your personal strengths
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9:54 - 9:56against your own risk factors.
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9:56 - 9:58For instance, in my marriage,
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9:58 - 10:00I'd say I'm doing okay.
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10:00 - 10:02One the one hand,
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10:02 - 10:05I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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10:05 - 10:07and incredibly handsome.
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10:07 - 10:10So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.
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10:10 - 10:12And like I said, we have those divorced friends
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10:12 - 10:14who may secretly or subconsciously
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10:14 - 10:16be trying to break us up.
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10:16 - 10:19So we have to keep an eye on that.
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10:19 - 10:22And we do like a cocktail or two.
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10:22 - 10:24On the other hand,
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10:24 - 10:26I have the fake happy picture thing.
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10:26 - 10:29And also, my husband does a lot around the house,
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10:29 - 10:31and would happily never see
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10:31 - 10:34another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
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10:34 - 10:37So I've got all those things going for me.
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10:37 - 10:39But just in case,
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10:39 - 10:41I plan to work extra hard
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10:41 - 10:44to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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10:44 - 10:46And for the good of your relationships,
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10:46 - 10:48I would encourage you to do the same.
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10:48 - 10:50I'll see you at the bar.
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10:50 - 10:56(Applause)
- Title:
- What you don't know about marriage
- Speaker:
- Jenna McCarthy
- Description:
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In this funny, casual talk from TEDx, writer Jenna McCarthy shares surprising research on how marriages (especially happy marriages) really work. One tip: Do not try to win an Oscar for best actress.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:57
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
TED edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
TED added a translation |
Krystian Aparta
The English transcript was updated on 1/24/2017.