-
[Audience chattering.]
-
Good afternoon!
-
I am Reinaldo Garcia.
-
And you are the audience.
-
[Laughter, applause.]
-
Okay! Um,
turn off all cell phones, please.
-
And, we're in a residential
neighborhood,
-
so, no drag racing down the streets
of quiet Carmel, when we leave.
-
The show is about an hour and
10 minutes long.
-
There is some harsh language
in the piece, okay?
-
I'll be taking confessionals
in my booth over here,
-
after the plays are over,
-
[Audience chuckles]
-
if anybody wants
to unburden their hearts, okay?
-
So, welcome to "Dream Butchers."
-
[Applause.]
-
[Acoustic guitars]
-
[Sings] You crawled across dry thorns
-
and chewed cut glass.
-
Please come through my door,
lay down on the grass.
-
[Guitar phrase]
-
I don't care where you've been,
in the dark side of town.
-
Your history might be shameful.
-
I will always let you in,
I will never let you down.
-
[Guitar chords]
-
I'm entertaining angels.
-
[Acoustic guitars]
-
Now you're down on your luck,
your spirit's broke.
-
I see your beggar's cup
filled with busted hope.
-
Let this new day begin,
before the sun goes down.
-
I'll know I served an angel.
-
I will always let you in,
I will never let you down.
-
I'm entertaining angels.
-
[Guitar flourish.]
-
Hello, stranger. Drop your things.
Come on in.
-
There's no danger.
I see the wings beneath your skin.
-
I am no holy man.
Just a human
-
who must obey the plan
for a communion.
-
It's a mortal sin
if I would renounce a man
-
whose life is painful.
-
I will always let you in,
I will never let you down.
-
Because I'm entertaining you angels.
-
[Guitar flourish.]
-
[End chord holds.]
-
[Applause.]
-
[Spoken] I played baseball
in 2 different baseball leagues around town.
-
And I also umpire, uh, baseball.
-
And our opening piece,
"Low and Inside,"
-
is about a local man
-
uh, whose career,
whose professional career was destroyed.
-
But there is a romance to baseball.
-
And I wrote this song up in the
San Jose Giants stadium.
-
Uh, I recommend going to
Minor League baseball.
-
You get right up next to the players.
-
They are the future stars of the game.
-
It's really exhilarating to me.
-
So, I wrote this song,
as the players were warming up.
-
It's called
"The Church of Baseball."
-
[Cheerful acoustic guitars]
-
The ground crew rakes the infield,
they line the batter's box with lime.
-
[Guitars]
-
Then they spray the baselines,
dust is down 'til players take the field.
-
The church of baseball.
Warm in summer air.
-
The church of baseball.
It's all prepared.
-
Now the players stretch and run.
Boys of summer filled with dreams.
-
[Guitars]
-
The fan girls scream when
the local boy warms up in the sun.
-
[Guitars strum]
-
The church of baseball.
Blesses all the minor leagues.
-
The church of baseball.
It'll last for centuries.
-
[Guitars]
-
Local talent sings the anthem.
Out of tune loudspeakers squeal.
-
[Guitars]
-
Now the home team takes the field.
Bonus babies, tall and handsome.
-
[Guitars]
-
The church of baseball.
It's a sacred space.
-
The church of baseball.
Steal a base.
-
For Willie, and Maury,
Even Ricky Henderson too.
-
The church of baseball,
It welcomes you.
-
[Guitar flourish.]
-
"Low and Inside."
[Applause.]
-
[Announcer] I get it.
-
Baseball is a historical game.
I like to compare different things,
-
compare different eras.
-
But how in the world, John Ruck,
can you compare a guy
-
getting all these hits in Japan,
and then add it up with the Majors,
-
and then say he truly hit
came from a paper on point. You can't.
-
The people should know.
What Pete Rose has done is incredible.
-
[Announcer commentary]
-
To say he has passed Pete Rose,
as all time hit leader, we can't do that.
-
[Announcer voices continue.]
-
Hey Neal.
[Drunkenly mumbles.]
-
[Sports announcers continue]
-
Uh. Hm. Uh.
[Laughs.]
-
[Sports announcers]
-
Gimme a 7 & 7.
And go easy on the 7-Up.
-
[Announcers continue]
-
Would you turn down the --
turn the TV off?
-
[Announcers continue]
-
I gotta give a reason?
I been comin' here for 5, 6 years?
-
Because! I don't wanna
see, hear, or read about baseball.
-
Whatever the [bleep] is happening!
-
[Announcers stop]
[No audio]
-
And another, por favor.
-
No tab tonight.
-
I'm leavin' no debts.
-
You remember Jason?
Big, body builder type?
-
Yeah! With the rash down his neck.
-
You know any hit men?
Ahh, just kidding.
-
I think. You remember Roosevelt?
Black guy, with a face like a badger?
-
He went over big time.
-
R - R - Rosie?
Neal. You live upstairs.
-
There's nobody here.
Can I stay a while?
-
Gracias, mi amigo.
-
Ahhh. [Exhales.]
-
You know me.
I'm a friendly guy, right?
-
So does professional baseball.
-
It was in Marietta, Georgia.
Pre-season sessions.
-
Director of officials tells me
I've been elevated to crew chief.
-
Working beside of me,
two guys with me.
-
Jason Olivetti, and
Roosevelt Truman.
-
"Jason Olivetti!" I said.
"Oh no. No, no."
-
"I heard he's a piece of work."
-
"Rico!" he says.
"You're the kind of
-
natural-born leader
who can get along with anybody."
-
"Mentor the kid."
-
Them's my marching orders.
-
Two years away from the
Majors, a lifelong dream. Hmm.
-
Through Berman, Chatanooga, Jackson,
Pensacola, Knoxville, Montgomery.
-
Mobile, Cogsville. Athletes!
Dripping testosterone and doubt.
-
Adonises driven by a dream.
And, there I am. Deep within it.
-
Benevolent, dispensing justice.
Witnessing brilliance.
-
John Smokes. Matt Holliday.
Juan Fiera. Ah! Ahh.
-
A cavalcade of future stars.
Passing through my station
-
on their way to immortality.
-
The baseball field is a timeless Eden.
-
And, into my crew chief's ear
slithered Jason Olivetti.
-
Dwelling in a body stocking of a rash.
-
You know it even discolored his weiner?
-
Yes! I looked.
Ahhhh.
-
Don't be naive, Neal.
Everybody looks.
-
Ahhh. Ehhhh. [Laughs.]
-
Ahh. [Exhales.]
-
You know....
I...I...I....
-
Taking charge of a ball field
was always second nature for me.
-
I was a catcher in college.
Field General. I ran the pitchers.
-
Directed the fielders. Worked the umps.
-
And when I wasn't drafted,
I went to umpire school.
-
Vero Beach, Florida.
Dodger Town. Heh-heh.
-
Ahh. Sailed right through.
Through rookies. Single ed.
-
By my 3rd year, I was already crew chief.
Two guys under me.
-
In a van supplied by the Majors.
First class hotels all through the South.
-
Ha-ha! The future World Series ump!
-
Tell me...tell me.
How does a guy who gets along
-
with everybody, grow to hate a man?
-
Who the mere sight of
provokes nausea and vomiting? Eh?
-
Jason was a -- a strapping farm boy
who was seduced by big city ambition.
-
Prostitutes. Marijuana. Hm?
Ah! I'll show you what I mean.
-
We checked into a hotel.
-
During dinner, Jason is flirting
with the waitress.
-
Flirting. Ha. How's about this.
-
[Hick accent] "That was one fine meal!
Mmm- mmm - mmm!
-
But it lacked some spice.
-
Why don't you come up to my room later,
and let me taste your pussy?"
-
[Audience groans.]
-
[His own voice again]
Then, he was down at the front desk.
-
Proclaiming, bitching that his towels
were not white enough.
-
He would weiner-wag the maid,
when he came out of the shower.
-
Couple of times, he came back to his room
to find it ransacked.
-
Well deserved, I'd say.
-
Hm? Oh, on the diamond?
Okay.
-
Jason's behind the ditch, right?
Guy hits a home run.
-
As he's circling the bases,
Jason picks up the bat,
-
and leans on it, like Mister Peanut
leaning on his cane.
-
Right on home plate! Hmm?!
Ahh.
-
No, he never smoked it in the van.
-
Well, just the idea of driving through
the South, with my protege,
-
holding grass -- terrified me!
-
No. Nooo, no. I could never report him.
-
You have no idea what it would do
to my reputation.
-
[Laughs] And his taste in music.
-
We had -- we had a rule.
-
The guy behind the wheel
chooses the tunes. Hmm?
-
Jason wouldn't be out --
we wouldn't be out of the parking lot,
-
the hotel parking lot,
not 5 minutes.
-
Jason slides in his
"Greatest Hits of the '70s" CD.
-
"Afternoon Delight."
"Summer Breeze."
-
Da-da-da-da
-
"Blowin' through the jasmine
of our minds."
-
"One Toke Over the Line."
-
From Mobile to Jackson!
-
Jason is the reason I drink
these 7 & 7s.
-
His official beverage of choice.
-
I, I enjoyed them, to --
establish rapport.
-
Roosevelt, too.
Drank in the back seat.
-
Tapping away at his [bleep]ing
iPhone.
-
Watching porn.
Aiming the camera at the front seat.
-
Making what he calls his
'POV dramalogue.'
-
Ahhh.
-
Okay. So. So! So.
-
We are in 'bama now.
-
The Barons pitted against
their arch-rivals, Huntsville Stars.
-
Battling for the title.
Two games left.
-
Two games,
and Jason is out of my life!
-
Yeah.
The Barons, and the Stars.
-
Huge rivals. Mutual hate.
-
So.
-
It all comes down to two outs,
bottom of the 9th, bases loaded.
-
Barons down 3.
-
22 year old defector Cuban.
22 year old Cuba defector Oscar Morales
-
is a 5'2" phenom.
-
Already, he has tripled, and stolen home.
-
Now, he slides to the plate,
with a hit on the line.
-
Huntsville pitcher launches a fast ball.
-
Inside and low.
-
Ball one.
-
The catcher --
the wisecracking, Polack misfit
-
Anje Prozinski,
asks for a clean one.
-
"Gimme a ball you can see."
-
Hm? Of course! I tossed him!
-
The guy turns on me.
Huntsville keeper leaps out of the dugout,
-
restraining Prozinski with one hand,
and screaming for an explanation.
-
"I dunno what the guy said."
-
"You're not allowed to argue
balls and strikes. You know that."
-
The manager looks at this catcher.
Says, "you say that?"
-
"Yeah. Hey. If Blue here grew an eye,
he'd be a Cyclops."
-
Huntsville manager nearly breaks his ribs,
he's laughing so hard.
-
The fans are going ape-shit.
The pitcher comes in to the ditch.
-
Jason and Roosevelt run up
to restore order. Hmm. Ugghhh.
-
I'm coming to it. Gimme a sec.
Wait a minute.
-
And then, the pitcher says,
-
"Hey, Blue. We know you're blind.
We've seen your wife."
-
Just a minute here.
I'm coming to that.
-
Okay. Now, back to the game.
-
Okay. So. The pitcher, the new pitcher
delivers a rising fast ball.
-
Morales fouls it back, knocks off my mask.
I go down to my knees.
-
Someone in the Stars dugout yells,
-
"Hey, Blue! Get up off your knees!
You're BLOWING the game!"
-
I wobble over to the Huntsville dugout.
I give 'em the 'stink eye.'
-
That settles them down.
-
Next pitch, Morales slams
way down the right field line.
-
Fouled by inches.
Counts one and two.
-
Next pitch a slider, outside.
-
But Morales, already, you know,
what we call a professional hitter,
-
fouls off the next five pitches
before taking a ball
-
millimeters over the plate.
-
The new catcher goes,
"Hey Blue!"
-
I go, "Ah-ah!
One peep out of you,
-
you shower with your friend."
-
Guy goes, "Peep!"
-
I swallow it.
-
Morales fouls off
the next 3 pitches too.
-
Eh? Good -- good hitter?
You better believe it.
-
OK. So, now...
-
So now, the Huntsville pitcher
hangs a curve.
-
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
-
Morales drools.
-
He spins on it!
-
And launches the ball
high into the Alabama night.
-
The crowd leaps as one,
-
as the ball is
Pensacola-bound.
-
Walk off Grand Slam!
-
Barons win the title by a run.
-
Hm-hm!
-
Me and my crew,
we have to pass
-
the Visitors' dugout
to exit the field.
-
The losing pitcher
comes up behind me.
-
"Hey! Lucky you don't have
an ERA, Blue.
-
Those runs are yours!"
-
So.
-
So we have a game
the next day.
-
No time to shower.
We have to go to Jackson.
-
We pile into the van,
Jason behind the wheel.
-
[Sings] "Sky rockets in flight!
Afternoon -- "
-
Jason starts to dig in.
-
"Hey, Rico.
That 2 strike call on Morales.
-
That was strike 3."
-
"Jason," I said.
-
"That ball was so far outside,
it had a hat and a coat on.
-
Could you turn it down a bit?"
-
I look in the back,
at Roosevelt, for some support.
-
Roosevelt is aiming
his iPhone at us.
-
Another chapter in his
on the road documentary.
-
Jason digs in deeper.
-
"Hey, Rico.
You -- You Latinos
-
look out after each other,
don'tcha?
-
What, did Morales
slip you some pesos?
-
Huh? Huh? One gone call
tips the championship.
-
I thought only horses
slept standing up."
-
"Alright, Jason. That's enough."
-
"You guys," Roosevelt says,
"been goin' at it for 4 solid months.
-
Since opening day. Why don't you both
settle it like men?"
-
"Just a minute, here. Just a minute."
-
Hey -- gimme another 7 and 7, huh?
-
Anyway --
-
I'm trying every umpire's trick
to NOT listen.
-
One more game left!
-
And then I notice.
We're going in a circle.
-
I say "Jason, you do have
the directions? Right?"
-
And he says, Jason says,
"Uh, I ran out of rolling papers."
-
"Uh, built me a doobie
out of the directions."
-
"Up in smoke!"
-
I said, "Jason, go straight
at the lights, turn right.
-
That will lead you onto
highway 20 on ramp to Atlanta."
-
"Man who doesn't know his way
around a strike zone,
-
giving me directions?"
-
"Hmmm. Hey! Slip me some pesos,
and I'll consider it."
-
"Hey Rico! Next time
you're behind the dish,
-
bend over.
Call the game with your good eye."
-
Roosevelt is breaking up
in the back seat.
-
"Four solid months. You two
should form a comedy team."
-
"Ahh, getting caught in a
wetback conspiracy, Roosevelt
-
is no laughing matter."
-
"Hey, maybe -- maybe Rico
would call a more accurate game,
-
if home plate were shaped like
a tortilla."
-
I'm staying cool.
-
"Hey Rico! Yo Rico, I'm your daddy.
Hitchhiked to Salinas once,
-
and [bleeped] your mother,
in a lettuce field."
-
"OK. OK, Jason.
One more crack,
-
I'll wreck your career."
-
"Crack? Your mamacita's
tasted like guacamole."
-
"Whoa, you gonna take that,
Rico?"
-
"I just about had enough
of you, Rico.
-
Let's settle this like men."
-
Jasmine is blowing through
our minds.
-
Jason pulls the van over,
under the streetlight.
-
He rips open the driver's door.
-
Races around
the back of the van.
-
And I've got blood in my eyes.
-
He yanks open the passenger door,
-
and before he could remove his hand,
I clocked him, with a solid left to the jaw.
-
Jason grabs my arm,
and the Oklahoma farm boy
-
swings me out,
under the street light.
-
We are tussling like wildcats.
-
The guy has got 100 pounds on me.
-
Roosevelt is filming the whole thing
on his iPhone.
-
Thirty seconds later...
-
it's over.
-
We get back in the van,
-
and pull into Jacksonville,
just before dawn.
-
Not a word spoken
the whole way.
-
A week later,
our little altercation
-
shows up on You Tube.
-
"Posted anonymously."
-
ESPN runs it.
-
Jason and I are released.
-
Fired.
-
Roosevelt's on his way
to the Big Show.
-
What am I gonna do here?
-
What am I gonna do.
-
[Applause.]
-
[Peppy guitars.]
-
[Sings] I did not rise up
from the mire
-
to be cast into
the lake of fire.
-
I am proud to be
an outlaw.
-
What I am
is plain to God.
-
Doesn't matter
what you sacrificed.
-
We'll all appear before the
judgment seat of Christ.
-
[Guitars]
-
I did not rise up
from the mire
-
to be cast into
the lake of fire.
-
Live by faith,
not by sight.
-
All that's mortal
swallowed up by life.
-
So that each of us
will receive
-
what is due us,
wheat or chaff.
-
For all the things done
while in the body
-
whether good or bad.
-
[Guitars]
-
The Kingdom soon will come.
-
Exploding with the sun.
-
All my loved ones
melding into one,
-
'cause the kingdom
soon will come.
-
[Guitar scales duo]
-
I did not rise up
from the mire
-
to be cast into
the lake of fire.
-
I will live forever more.
-
On the Armageddon shore.
-
[Guitars]
-
Seven seals,
Seven trumpets.
-
Seven vials,
Seven cursed digits.
-
Seven dooms,
Seven new things.
-
For the angels.
-
[Guitars]
-
I did not rise up
from the mire
-
to be cast into
the lake of fire.
-
I am proud to be
an outlaw.
-
What I am...
-
is plain...to...God.
[Guitar strum]
-
[Applause]
-
[Loud Howls]
-
[Panicked breathing]
[Bell ringing]
-
You really did it this time, Harriet.
-
Just had to leave the fold,
didn't you?
-
You had it all.
Plenty of green grass,
-
a haircut every spring.
-
Three swell dogs,
and the friendliest shepherd
-
this side of Bo Peep.
-
Real friendly.
Was old Harriet satisfied?
-
Nooo. [Bleats]
[Audience laughs]
-
Had to leave the herd!
Big tough gal, huh, Harriet?
-
[Wolf howls]
-
What am I gonna do?
-
[Wolf howls]
-
[Wolf laughs]
Alright, mutton head.
-
Where ya be? [Sniffs around]
I knows you out here somewheres.
-
Hoo! All this runnin' 'round
makes a fella dog-tired.
-
Why don't I just lay these bones
up against this here boulder,
-
and catch my breath?
-
[Wolf sighs] Heyyy.
That feels nice-like.
-
Wonder where my dinner
ran off to?
-
Probably cowering
behind one of these rocks.
-
I'll catch her.
And when I do!
-
Should I make it...
mutton stew?
-
Or leg o' lamb,
or just eat her raw?
-
Mutton! Ain't had no sheep
for the whole month!
-
That's gonna be really nice.
-
Whoo! Brings out the beast in me.
-
[Wolf pants]
Zippedy-doo-da!
-
Zip! [Sheep yelps]
Ah-dee-ay!
-
My, oh, my!
What a wonderful day!
-
[Wolf smugly chuckles]
-
Plenty o' moonshine
headin' MY way!
-
Oh-ho-ho yeah-eh!
Oh-ho, YEAH-eh!
-
[Howls loudly]
-
Hey, what's this?
A earthquake?
-
Wellllllll, I'll be.
That you, mutton head?
-
Ohhh! Please, Mr. Wolf.
Go find someone else.
-
I was just out strolling,
munching clover...
-
That's enough of that,
little girl.
-
How many times you been warned
'bout movin' out on your own?
-
Look. I only eat the old,
and the sick.
-
I got my code.
-
So gimme a break with
the sob story,
-
'cause I ain't ate
in a week, little girl.
-
Don't call me that!
-
I may be on the meek side,
but I am not little.
-
Maybe I will end up
in your belly.
-
BUT! Not before
I account for myself.
-
[Bell rings]
-
[Wolf laughs]
-
Now, don't that
beat all!
-
Full moon's got in your
blood too, eh little lady?
-
Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
-
[Wolf laughs mockingly]
-
A fightin' back.
Well I'll be darned.
-
Ow!
-
Oh I didn't mean it!
Oh, please don't get mad.
-
Ow! You little moron!
-
Don'tcha know
you could get hurt doin' that?
-
I dunno what's come over me.
-
[Wolf grunts and groans]
-
One day I'm munching clover,
and the next, I'm --
-
pugilizing with canis lupus.
-
Pugilizin'?! Sounds weird.
-
Tradin' blows?
Fisticuffs?
-
Tusslin'? Dukin' it out?
Goin' ten --
-
Alright! Enough with the words!
-
You gonna make a run for it,
or what?
-
I got important things
to attend to!
-
With very important wolves.
-
You're kidding.
-
Whatta ya mean?
Whatta ya mean?
-
I tell ya, I'm in a hurry.
-
Why, me and some friends,
I -- I --
-
What? What's wrong?
-
Nothin'! Gol-durn it.
-
What? What about your friends?
Is something wrong?
-
Full moon's got me talkin' funny.
-
No, no, something's wrong.
I can sense it.
-
I'm very attuned
to the emotional manifestations
-
of my fellow beings.
Something's awry.
-
Nothin' crunchin' your bones
won't fix!
-
Your friends?
What about your friends?
-
Big Shots.
Every one o' them.
-
Leaders of the pack!
-
Take me with you!
-
Oh, this is the adventure
I've always dreamed of!
-
Shee-oot! What's this
gol-dang world coming to?
-
Now, listen.
If you don't start runnin' or fightin'
-
right quick, I'm gonna get ornery.
Then you'll really be sorry!
-
It's your last chance!
-
Let me meet 'em.
I can tell 'em some
-
friendly shepherd jokes.
-
I got this one about an
'embraceable ewe'
-
that'll put 'em in stitches.
-
Alright, alright, alright.
I know when my leg's being pulled.
-
Now, look.
If I brought you back with me,
-
well, I'd get laughed out
of the pack.
-
You're afraid to be alone?
-
Big stud wolf,
afraid to be alone?
-
Can't face up to his own
reflection in the watering hole?
-
I am alone!
-
I ain't got no friends, OK?
Ya happy now?
-
I was kicked out for in -- uh --
in -- uh --
-
infedulity!
-
Infidelity?
-
Yep. She's not my woman.
-
All wolves in the wild are women,
normally.
-
But, when the pups came along,
it was bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.
-
The good times stopped,
and one thing led to another,
-
and one night, I raised a ruckus
with one of the younger ones.
-
Got thrown out on my ear.
-
You're an outsider.
A 'lone wolf.'
-
As lonely as they come.
-
Oh, I get it!
-
Tryin' to get on my good side,
with sympathy, aren't ya?
-
Hey, I'm onto you, sweetheart!
-
You gotta get up pretty early
in the mornin' to fool ol' Loopy.
-
Darn, I told ya my name!
-
Why'd I go and
tell you my name?
-
Short for Guadalupe?
-
No, Loopy. Like....
-
Hi. I'm Harriet.
-
And you're an outlaw.
-
A savage desert denizen,
traveling fast -- traveling light.
-
Asking and giving no quarter.
-
Content to let the buffalo chips
fall where they may.
-
Taking as it comes, day by day.
-
Your only friend: your wily wolf wit.
-
I've always admired your kind, Loopy!
-
Why, in my younger years,
I rather fancied myself a black sheep.
-
Sort of a...maverick in mohair?
-
Marching to the tinkle of my own bell?
-
'Til one day it all went grey,
and I settled in.
-
You told me YOUR name?!
-
Why'd you have to go and
tell me YOUR name?!
-
Victuals ain't got no name.
-
[Vulture caws]
-
What's that?!
-
What's what?
-
[Vulture caws]
-
Stop that noise!
-
Oh, THAT noise.
Just --
-
[Vulture caws]
-
a garden variety
turkey vulture.
-
Don't be scared.
-
[Vulture caws]
-
Vultures have never
attacked anything alive.
-
No he waits in line,
all polite-like, 'til
-
the original killers
have had our fill.
-
Then, after I slink off
and let Mr. Stomach do his job,
-
on the FRESH meat --
-
[Vulture caws]
-
them vultures fill their entrails
on the carcass.
-
Only when the stench of the
rotten flesh will make a horse fly puke
-
does your vulture move in.
-
See? Everybody's
got his way of doin' things.
-
Relaaaaax.
-
That vulture don't concern you.
-
YET.
-
Loopy? I love you.
-
Love? LOVE?!
-
Come on, girl!
-
That's just your way of saying
you think you're better than me.
-
That's not true!
-
You have many --
fine qualities.
-
Courageous hunter?
-
Intrepid explorer?
-
Rugged individualist?
-
Hmm --
-
The frontier spirit incarnate.
-
Why, with --
-
with just a few lessons
in philosophy,
-
in etiquette,
in personal hygiene --
-
I think it --
-
[GROWLS ANGRILY]
-
No, hy-GIENE.
-
Cleanliness?
-
It's next to Godliness?
-
Except for you,
it's next to impossible.
-
[Wolf growls]
-
Anyway!
-
It's just a few lessons --
in rhetoric, in elocution.
-
And a dash --
just a teensy dash --
-
of political analysis thrown in.
-
Incisive, five week --
-
Alright!
-
Listen, fleece bag.
-
My empty stomach says
tea time is over.
-
Let's cut the chit chat,
and proceed to the heart of the menu.
-
Move! Make a run for it,
before I lose my temper
-
and get VIOLENT!
-
I've been outfoxed.
-
I can run no more.
-
I'm big enough to admit
to your superiority
-
in the scheme of things.
-
Crush these feeble limbs
in your bear-trap jaws.
-
Better that, than to grow flabby
in some meadow.
-
Do me this favor.
-
Son of a...buzzard.
-
Please!
-
End my squalid existence.
-
Make wolf-flesh of my marrow.
-
Gorge on me, that I may be
transformed.
-
But! What's in it for you?
-
Immediate gratification?
And then what?
-
Inside of a week,
you'll be on the prowl again.
-
A pathetic slobbering beast
with only one thing on its tiny mind.
-
Enslaved by a hunger
which has no end.
-
All I wanted was a square meal.
-
Ohhhh.
Loopy, I love you.
-
I want to help you.
-
The only way you could help me
would be by committin' suicide
-
and servin' yourself upon a platter!
-
Loopy, I know things.
-
All those years in the sweet
and boring clover,
-
I was thinking!
Watching the sun rise,
-
and set,
sniffing the blue air.
-
Seeing the stars at night.
-
Feeling the change of the seasons.
-
White winters huddled in the barn.
Green springtime. Blazing summer.
-
Smoky autumn. All the while,
I'm thinking.
-
I started wondering why
everything is the way it is.
-
And, the more I wondered why
the less I saw the majesty around me.
-
But I couldn't stop the wondering!
-
One day, as the little ones
were led off to the blade, it hit me.
-
It hit ya?
-
The reason for everything!
-
Huh?
-
Why we're here.
-
Why these rocks are hard
and still warm, even as moonshine
-
coats them in silver.
-
Why meadow grass
is green and slick.
-
Why rain and snow make rivers.
-
Why wolves love mutton?
-
Why wolves love mutton.
-
And why you won't eat me.
-
I won't?
-
Nope! You won't.
-
But -- if I eat you, wouldn't I
automatically know these things?
-
I hear flatworms do that way.
-
One of the elders of the pack
were tellin' us about a "experiment"
-
he heard about. Seems that some
flatworms were trained to
-
wiggle through a maze, to get some food.
Then, they was ground up into
-
tiny chunks of meat,
and fed to some baby flatworms.
-
First thing ya know,
them babies is negotiatin' that maze
-
like they was born to it.
One generation feedin' the next.
-
So I was wonderin' -- if I eat you,
[Harriet yelps]
-
won't I know these things?
-
[Harriet laughs uneasily]
Sorry.
-
You're a wolf, and I'm a sheep.
-
I will not allow the blow to your
self-esteem, of comparing yourself
-
to a mere
[scientific word for flatworm.]
-
Loopy! We're not worms.
-
Okay! So why we here?
And why do wolves love mutton?
-
I don't know that you're
sophisticated enough
-
to understand that just yet.
-
That's enough! I have sat through
your tales too long!
-
My guts are howlin' louder than
Uncle Louie at the last eclipse.
-
I know why there are eclipses!
-
I don't give a hoot why!
[Whooshing sound]
-
[Wolf whimpers]
What was that?!
-
I know why the stars are
faaaaallllliiiiinnnnng!
-
Why?!
-
Why, I'd need at least a week
to explain it to you.
-
Oh, you're stallin'!
[Thunder sounds]
-
[Wolf whimpers]
[Sheep snickers]
-
[Wolf] What's goin' on?
-
[Sheep yelps] Oooh! Stop!
-
Move no closer!
Just...keep...pursuing me...
-
hungry.
-
Keep your beautiful savagery.
May your jaws always drip.
-
Desire is a beautiful thing,
Loopy.
-
Eat me now, and you'll be hungry
tomorrow, with no one to talk to.
-
Keep me alive, and you can want me
forever.
-
Oh, Loopy, we can do it.
Let's be friends!
-
I -- I -- am hungry.
I ache.
-
You are pink and tender.
-
My fur bristles.
I drool. I eat!
-
You'll stay as you are,
forever wolf.
-
Let me civilize you!
-
[Wolf grunts] My body
howls for you!
-
What of the heavens,
dear wolf?
-
[Whooshing sound]
[Distant thunder]
-
You won't distract me
with your talkin'.
-
So, you [?]
Enough!
-
Run! Fight!
Howl for yourself.
-
You ask alien things.
-
Why not entreat
these rocks to sing?
-
You're a cunning one,
and a coward.
-
[Sheep gasps] A thirst slaked
by a coward's blood
-
would leave you parched, yes?
-
[Wolf] You're not worth it!
-
Not worth it?!
I offer you eternal desire!
-
Friendship! [Exhales]
Big tough wolf. [Bell rings]
-
I'll beat you, old Loopy.
-
You don't wanna be my friend.
[Bell rings]
-
You just wanna save your skin.
Make a fool out of me.
-
[Bell rings] I got news for ya.
-
You can walk a mile in my shoes,
and never fill my boots.
-
Oh, so sorry, Loopster.
Takes guts to be my pal.
-
You just ain't got what it takes.
Call me what you want:
-
Howl at the sun and call it the moon
if it makes you feel any better!
-
[Sheep chokes, bell rings]
-
[Wolf howls loudly]
-
[Wolf laughs, bell rings]
-
Your move...PAL.
[Wolf laughs]
-
[Vulture caws]
-
[Applause]
-
[Acoustic guitar bridge]
-
[Phrase repeats]
-
I let out a primal scream
all the neighbors heard.
-
I woke them up from their dreams
while their children stirred.
-
I released a primal scream
ripped out from my core.
-
All the slaughter I had seen,
I couldn't hold it any more.
-
They look at me funny,
intrigued by what they see
-
though my smile is sunny
when I pass by their children's feet.
-
[Guitar phrase]
-
I ripped out a primal scream
through the neighborhood.
-
I did not do anything
like a neighbor should.
-
I got a hold of primal screams,
sent lightning through the air.
-
I'm better now than I do seem.
They don't really care.
-
[Guitar flourish]
-
They look at me funny,
intrigued by what they see
-
though my smile is sunny
when I pass by their children's feet.
-
[Guitar phrase]
-
I let out a primal scream
all the neighbors heard.
-
I woke them up from their dream
while their children stirred.
-
I released a primal scream
ripped out from my core.
-
All the slaughter I have seen
I couldn't hold it any more.
-
[Guitar flourish]
-
[Guitar phrase]
-
Christopher Lopez.
All the way from Greenfield California.
-
[Applause]
-
[Placeholder]
-
Who can shave an egg?
-
[Irish accent]
You were born into a raw deal.
-
It's not the detail.
Two decades' worth of therapy.
-
Chalk it up to life on earth.
Everybody pays.
-
We're responsible for investing
our lives with meaning.
-
You make vengeance your god,
saieth you, you who are.
-
You can't hide an eel in a sack.
-
The man deserves what he got, huh?
He was fat. Jabba the Hut rotund.
-
He lied in court.
He suborned perjury.
-
Then got a restrainin' order.
They took away your gun.
-
Well, ya had some new songs.
Ya found a studio in the Yellow Pages.
-
This was when digital was
replacing analog.
-
He lied to you, that his
Roland 680 was state of the art.
-
You later learned it was
only fit for home demos.
-
He set up the studio
in his home rec room.
-
He said he'd back up
each day's work.
-
After three months
in the Pac Man studio,
-
he erased an instrumental track.
He made a big show of
-
punchin' buttons,
and he swiveled around,
-
and said he couldn't
find it in his backup files.
-
There were no backup files.
-
You decided to mix everything
as fast as possible, then get out
-
if other bits turned up missing.
You extracted what you could,
-
and sent the Pac Man
a [?]
-
Prompted by his attorney,
he asked the Judge,
-
"Why, if he was so incompetent,
you spent 3 months in his studio?"
-
Well, you replied
that you recorded all the material
-
before you missed it.
And so you didn't [?]
-
until much later.
-
The fat man brought in
a psychiatrist.
-
[German accent]
"For analyze your lyrics.
-
And to testify that someone
as sick as you should never
-
have been allowed
into the fat man's home."
-
[Irish accent] You printed up
2 dozen flyers,
-
advertising the fat man's address
as a recording studio
-
with an absurdly low hourly rate.
-
Wearin' surgical gloves, ya papered
the black sections of Seaside.
-
Next ya heard, a crackhead shot him
in a home invasion.
-
It is hard for an empty bag
to sit upright.
-
She...was...an actress.
-
A refugee from Hollywood's
enervatin' rituals.
-
Workin' in a nearby record shop.
-
By now, CDs were on their way out,
and only connoisseurs purchased vinyl.
-
Some afternoons, you had her
all to yourself.
-
When she mentioned her husband
in passing,
-
you remarked that she wore no ring.
-
"That's because I might be cast
as an unmarried woman," she said.
-
"I can't even risk an indentation
on my finger."
-
Oh-ho! The sacrifices we make for art.
-
You reason that such a blemish
would not be visible at all on stage.
-
You concluded that, consciously or not,
the real blemish on her life
-
was her marriage.
-
Now, actresses are always ready
to talk about themselves.
-
It was therefore easy to learn
that her husband was
-
4 years younger than she, and
somethin' of a psychological basket case.
-
Takin' a break from his video games,
Chubby Hubby wandered in one foggy day,
-
sayin' he needed her email password.
-
Pullin' him by his elbow
into the British Invasion aisle,
-
she told him no.
-
Though you tried invisibility,
Chubby Hubby judged you
-
to have witnessed his
emasculation.
-
Glarin' at ya from below the brim
of his skull and bones festooned cap,
-
the would-be cuckold said, sotto-voce,
"So. Who's the music lover?"
-
"Call me Seattle Grant," you said,
extending your hand
-
as he lumbered past ya
into misty Pacific Grove.
-
[?] wife, busy herself,
-
put Jerry and the Pacemakers'
Greatest Hits.
-
To cut down an oak,
and set up a strawberry.
-
With her permission, you use them
as a model, as would a painter.
-
Except you spent no time together.
-
You enrolled her as a concubine
in your imaginary harem.
-
You were a kind and generous Sultan.
-
On your wedding night,
you excused her lack of virginity,
-
having suffered years of
phallic intrusion by Chubby Hubby.
-
She wept.
You consoled her
-
by composing the first of dozens of
adorational ballads to your muse.
-
As time passed,
you'd enter the used record store, and
-
covertly examine her face, her neck,
and her arms, for bruises
-
or lacerations left by your
un[?] surrogate.
-
She always passed inspection,
but you were certain he abused her.
-
As your fantasy wife, she accompanied you
to Majorca,
-
and other Mediterranean destinations.
-
Ooh, there was a menage a trois in Ibiza.
An orgy in Algiers.
-
She confessed that her pre-coital
fantasies of Arab men were not being met.
-
Ya Googled her,
-
and accumulated an
incremental biography.
-
B. A. in Theater, some knockabout
years in Hollywood,
-
before she followed a
National Guardsman to Ford Ord.
-
Nuptials were soon ruptured
by shock and awe.
-
The war, not the wedding night.
-
Chubby Hubby forged a discharge,
and they settled in Pacific Grove.
-
She supported her 'acting habit'
at the record store,
-
while Chubby Hubby
"looked for a job."
-
You confess.
You smell the discord.
-
"I'm plottin' to liberate her
from the slacker."
-
You casually handed her
recordings of your latest songs.
-
Sighting the odd article on adultery,
you don the surgical gloves,
-
clip it out, and mail it anonymously
to her.
-
You concur.
You inquire after his well-being,
-
as she stuffed used CDs in a bag,
and received your cash.
-
One day, you grazed her palm with
your guitarists' lengthy fingernails.
-
She pretended not to notice.
-
Undone, as a man would
undo an oyster.
-
She was the product of
Manifest Destiny and genocide.
-
The rape of the New World
by the Old.
-
Immune to the fallacy
of white liberal guilt,
-
you prized her hybrid charms.
-
The shiny, raven,
Native American hair
-
curled by old English blood
into a frizzy electric storm.
-
Her alien almond eyes.
-
The cafe-au-lait skin,
smooth as porcelain.
-
Local theater stretched her thespian
talent in all the wrong ways.
-
Each company trumpeted
its speakin' of truth to power
-
all of 'em bleatin' to the
leftist choir.
-
Cuttin' edge exposes
of Joe McCarthy.
-
50 years too late.
-
Investigations of
racism and homophobia
-
as though penned by the
Soviet Central Committee
-
for Cultural Enlightenment,
circa 1968.
-
You venture to a staged reading
of a George Bernard Shaw trifle,
-
a two-hander exposin' early 20th
century British attitudes toward
-
matrimony, which the program
promised would
-
"Blow the roof off the
patriarchy."
-
Fearful you'll emit
a tell-tale snore,
-
you dozed off anyway.
-
You waited in the empty lobby,
its walls festooned with
-
curlin' photos of
Robinson Jeffers and friends.
-
Chubby Hubby was absent.
-
She strolled from the dressin' room,
thanked ya for comin',
-
and then, she embraced you.
-
Months later, just to kick yourself
for having stiffened,
-
no, not the adolescent
kind of stiffened.
-
You tensed, panicked, you lacked
the necessary languor. Blew it.
-
You -- you tried deciphering
her intent.
-
But the green silk sleeves
enveloped ya.
-
Was this a 'theater people' greeting?
-
A drownin' woman
graspin' for a life saver?
-
A friendly hug? A sign?
An...invitation?
-
Blushin', you withdrew,
prayin' she wouldn't ask you
-
your opinion of the piece.
-
She asked.
-
You abated.
"You do a great English accent!"
-
As you walked her to her Ferrari-red
Toyota sedan with the Oregon plates,
-
your eyes downward,
you spied her sandaled feet.
-
While most are calloused,
grotesquely malformed,
-
hers were something Seraphic.
-
Her toes were neither
prehensile nor stubby.
-
The neatly trimmed nails
boasted no lurid lacquer.
-
It was as though a cherub had fallen
from a Michelangelo ceilin'
-
and was stridin' across the shady
dappled gravel, with you.
-
Thirty seconds to her car,
half a minute.
-
Twenty eternities.
-
But your breath caught in your throat.
-
As she slid the key into the
vaginal door slot,
-
...SLOT...
-
she tilted her head.
-
Tightened the corner of her mouth
in a way that hinted at a worldly cunning.
-
A human touch she'd never permitted
herself, while on duty at the store.
-
You ask an elm tree for pears.
-
Always careful to inquire about
the Chubby Hubby,
-
you were shocked, one morning,
to hear he moved back
-
to his parents' Las Vegas home,
after she served him with divorce papers.
-
Had we not been alone,
you doubt her Titanic ventilatin'
-
would've been any less ferocious.
-
Among the highlights? Ooh.
-
"I sneaked pulverized sleeping pills
into his food,
-
and he'd still force himself
on me at night."
-
"He confessed to Photoshopping
my head on porno women,
-
and sending them out to his friends."
-
"He said I had cottage cheese thighs."
-
"He wanted to watch me
make love to another man."
-
Hm! I confess,
my eyebrows arched.
-
"He admitted to mailing himself,
anonymously,
-
articles about adultery
from women's magazines."
-
"I admit, I'd been hoping he'd commit
some heinous deed so I could
-
divorce him, but this drunken dumpling
made me wanna kill him!"
-
He finished with:
"Every day, I contemplate suicide.
-
If you knew why,
you'd want me dead too."
-
He finished with the most insightful
thing anyone's ever said to me.
-
"You want God in your life, but you
don't wanna admit your sister's right."
-
Through it all, with the exception of the
voyeurism-cum-cuckold confession,
-
you maintained your disinterested
demeanor.
-
We are told women do not seek advice,
only an open set of ears.
-
But information is power,
and you felt omnipotent.
-
You shall ride an inch
behind the tail.
-
Divorce affects women
in different ways.
-
Over the ensuing weeks, as she
settled into a rented house
-
with girlfriends, you saw her
grow more...interested?
-
Her hair, once pulled into a
scalp-stretching bun,
-
fell free and frizzy. Granny glasses
replaced with contact lenses.
-
The, uh, matrimonial buttocks shrank.
But she remained a tad heavy in the thigh.
-
You imagined her entering a lesbian phase.
-
What better way to repudiate
the demeanin' world of testosterone?
-
Than to anchor a while in the safe,
Sapphic harbor?
-
But, with her pillow talk,
comparin' male outrages,
-
an investigator turns outward again.
-
Seeking a man.
This man.
-
The day she sold you the hard to find
"David Bowie BBC Theater London,
-
June 17th 2000," oh-ho!
-
And, you noted the contact lenses
and the come-hither eyeliner.
-
Was the day you slapped a
Global Positioning Device
-
in her Toyota's chassis.
-
Your confessed rapists shivered
as you violated her car's backside.
-
My Bastilion has been struck
by lightning.
-
One Sunday mornin', you detect
her Toyota headin' east
-
on Carmel Valley Road.
-
Though Sundays are usually reserved
for leadin' your grandson's
-
Sunday School class, ya beg off,
-
and end up in a trailhead
above the Arroyo Seco River.
-
Ya park your blue Jeep
alongside the Ferrari-red sedan,
-
grab your military-style binoculars,
and like Daniel Day-Lewis' Hawkeye,
-
ya follow a gaggle of Nike footprints
into the Vantana wilderness.
-
Your prints are fresh in the settled dust,
and appear to belong to 4 females.
-
You press onward, pausin' when
two birdwatchers, sightin'
-
your binoculars danglin' by their cord
around your neck, arrest our progress
-
bleatin' about a red-winged blackbird
they saw around the next bend.
-
You up the ante, with a bogus report
of a ginormous condor
-
perched in a skeletal tree.
-
They hurry on, and you advance
toward your destiny.
-
Hearin' rushin' water in the distance,
you attune your hearin'
-
to the frequency used by giddy girls,
as they frolic in emerald pools.
-
Ya leave the trail, and clamber upward,
through the still, dewy chaparral.
-
The sweet ambiance of a bay laurel grove
camouflages ya, as you emerge
-
over the north-facin' ridge.
-
There! There...they...are!
-
Four sirens.
-
Divin' and twistin' like
otters in Eden.
-
River maidens
out of Wagner.
-
One of 'em,
not your long-sought goddess,
-
brazenly topless.
-
She's darin' the others
beyond the au naturel frontier.
-
First, one. Then, another.
Then...another.
-
Bare their 30-somethin' breasts.
-
With you seekin' the lone holdout.
-
You withdraw the befogged lenses
from your perspirin' face,
-
and whisper a prayer
to the Lord of the Underworld.
-
Prayer answered.
-
She relents.
-
You visually caress
the ivory, pink-tipped white buds.
-
And decide --
Is it really a decision,
-
or some genetically-determined urge?
-
Well, at any rate, you crawl on your belly
from boulder to boulder,
-
glancin' water-ward when you can.
-
Now, the naughty group leader
has shed her bikini bottom.
-
Up ahead, you spy a perfect perch,
not 50 yards ahead as the condor flies,
-
above the pool.
-
Slitherin' through the [?],
you reach over, down a branch,
-
and feel a sting in your wrist,
-
just as the tell-tale rattle
spits its warning.
-
Your right arm goes numb, as mad venom
speeds toward your dark heart.
-
You wanna cry out to the now
nude quartet, but
-
the split-second of shame
earns your silence.
-
The sky spins.
As it goes black,
-
you feel the earth split open,
as you tumble downward.
-
Enjoy your stay.
-
We've, uh, supplied a never-ending
soundtrack.
-
[Pensive piano.]
-
[Sings] Let me look at you,
before the lines appear.
-
Let me look at you,
in the slanting light.
-
Let me look at you,
as day slides into night.
-
Into night.
-
I just want to look at you.
Oh, please.
-
Let me look at you.
See what my eyes discover
-
'til you go back to your lover.
-
[Violins]
-
Let me look at you.
-
Let me look at you
while the hours disappear.
-
Let me look at you
in another man's home.
-
Let me look at you
until it's time to go.
-
Until it's time to go.
-
I just want to look at you.
Oh, please.
-
Let me look at you.
See what my eyes discover
-
'til you go back to your lover.
Let me look at you.
-
Though I know you do not want me
any more,
-
when I look at you, my spirit soars.
-
Let me look at you,
and thrill me to the core.
-
Let me look at you,
and see your heart stop.
-
Let me look at you
until I get enough.
-
Until I get enough.
-
I will worship your beautiful
suntanned feet
-
cradled by your summer leather sandals.
-
Let me look into your alien almond eyes.
-
Let me look at you by this glowing candle.
-
Let me look at you like a seagoing vandal.
-
To hell with scandal.
-
I just want to look at you.
Oh please, let me look at you.
-
See what my eyes discover,
'til you go back to your lover.
-
Let me look at you.
Let me look at you.
-
Oh-ohhh-ohhhhh.
-
[Sad violin]
-
[Applause]
-
Thanks for coming.
Let's meet our cast.
-
[Applause]
-
And all the way from Greenfield
California, Christopher Lopez.
-
[Applause]
-
[Audience chatter]
-
Fabulous cast. Wow.
-
[Acoustic guitar]
[First song from evening]
-
Does anyone here watch
"Game of Thrones?"
-
You do?
OK.
-
I wish you guys could just
donate that to that sculpture garden.
-
You watch "Game of Thrones?"
- Uh, some of it.
-
I was gonna make a speech.
- OK.
-
Hold on. I'll wait until he has the axe.
-
In the name of King Aeres of
the House Targaryen,
-
second of his name, Lord of the
Seven Kingdoms and Protector
-
of the Realm,
we sentence this rock to die.
-
Watch out if this comes flying off.
-
Yahhhhh!
[Papier mache crunching]
-
I'll do the first two.
-
Yahhhhh!
-
Who wants it next?
Excalibur!
-
Liberating the spirit within.
-
Ohhhh.
-
[Laughter]
-
The boulder wins!
-
Cody Moore built a magnificent
piece of art.
-
Sir Jason of Roderiana.
-
[Thumping]
-
We know how to make rocks.
-
There's a body inside!
-
The Post Weekly, he used.
-
Haha!
-
[Thumping]
- There you go.
-
You carry this around with you,
all the time?
-
ALL the time.
-
This stuff will fix
so many things.
-
It's easy to carry.
Doesn't spoil.
-
[Axe thudding]
-
Hey. We need a cleanup hitter
on my baseball team.
-
- There ya go.
- Ooh.
-
[Axe thumping]
-
Anybody else want in?
-
[Laughter]
-
- I can't do that much damage.
-
- Reinaldo?
-
- Run, run, Jason.
-
- Your show.
You get the last word.
-
This is to all the critics.
-
[Laughter]
[Thumping]