Star Wars - The Environmentalists Version

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Derrick Jensen imagines Star Wars, as if it was written by environmentalists

OK, so....

I don't know if you know this, but

The original draft of the movie Star Wars

was not written by Lucas

The original draft was written by environmentalists

and it's a little bit different

For one thing it was not actually called Star Wars

It was called Star Non-Violent Civil Disobedience

But the plot of Star Wars for those of you who don't remember

Is that the Empire has created this giant machine called the Death Star

And it's a machine that's capable of destroying entire planets

And in the movie the rebels find a way to destroy the Death Star

And then at the very end Luke Skywalker uses the force

to get past all the tie fighters and to drop a torpedo down a thermal exhaust port

and to blow up the Death Star

Once again, the first draft of the movie written by environmentalists was a bit different

The rebels didn't actually blow up the Death Star instead

they used other methods to slow the intergalactic march of empire

For example

They set up programs for people on planets about to be destroyed

To produce luxury items like hemp hacky sacks and gourmet coffee

for sale to inhabitants of the Death Star

Audience members will also discover that there are plans afoot to encourage loads of

troopers and other citizens of the empire to take eco-tours of doomed planets

The purpose will be to show to one and all that these planets are economically important to the Empire

and so should not be destroyed

In a surprise move that will get viewers to the edges of their seats

other groups of rebels will file lawsuits against the Empire

attempting to show that the Environmental Impact Statement that Darth Vader

was required to file failed to adequately support its decision

that blowing up this planet would cause “no significant impact.”

Viewers will thrill to learn of plans to boycott items produced by corporations

that have Darth Vader on the board of directors

and will leap to their feet in theaters worldwide when they see bags

full of letters written directly to Mr. Vader himself asking that he please not blow up anymore planets.

Now, we all know that all of this should be sufficient not only to bring the Empire to its knees

but to make a damn fine and exciting movie.

The thing is: there’s more.

Thousands of renegade rebels, unhappy with what they perceive as toadying on the part of the mainstream rebels

decide, in a scene guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes of even the most cold-hearted theatergoers

to stand on the planets to be destroyed, link arms, and sing “Give Peace a Chance.”

They send DVDs of this to both Darth Vader and his boss the Grand Moff Tarkin

to whom they also send wave after wave of loving kindness

a the few rebels sneak aboard the Death Star and lock themselves down to various pieces of equipment.

and stirring debates are held onscreen as to whether they should voluntarily surrender

on approach of the troopers, or whether they should remain locked down to the end.

In a brilliant and brave touch of authenticity, the rebels were never able to come to consensus.

But there's more. Once inside the Death Star, a splinter group breaks off

They burn a couple of transporters, and they etch “Galaxy Liberation Front”

And then another group breaks off from that group

And they finally make it to Darth Vader's private room

And when they get there, they sneak up behind him

and then they hit him with a vegan cream pie

And the directors decided to cut that because it was way too close

to a scene in another movie they were developing at the same time

Called the plot to pie Hitler

As the Death Star looms directly overhead, a few of the rebels advocate picking up weapons to fight back

And these rebels are generally shouted down by pacifist rebels

who argue that attacking those who run the Death Star is

“just another example of the Empire’s harmful philosophy coming in by the back door.”

If we want to change Darth Vader, they say, we must all first become the change ourselves

To change Darth Vader’s heart, we must first change our own. We must above all else have compassion for Darth Vader,

and remember that he, too, was once a child.

So finally Leia, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, and a couple of robots show up

and tell these others they’ve found a way to blow up the whole Death Star.

And the rest of the rebels are of course horrified

a scuffle breaks out between Leia, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca and the two robots on one side

and the pacifists on the other. And the pacifists chase those four from the room and from the film

But it's not a big deal because they are minor characters anyway

But anyway, the way the movie ends is that the Death Star looms closer and closer

And then you see the Death Star And then you see the Planet And then you see the Death Star

And then you see the planet and then you see the Death Star and you see the laser start to glow this hellish red

And then you see the planet again and you see this little light

And what that is that's the environmentalists getting away before the planet gets blown up.

And then you see the Death Star again and then it blows up the planet

And then the final shot of the movie which reveals what complete triumph this was for the rebels

Is a still showing an article on the lower left hand corner of page 43

Of the New Empire Times that devotes a full 3 sentences to the destruction of the planet

Yeah we got some press!

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