Our story of rape and reconciliation
-
0:00 - 0:03[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of sexual violence -
0:03 - 0:05Viewer discretion is advised]
-
0:05 - 0:08Tom Stranger: In 1996,
when I was 18 years old, -
0:08 - 0:11I had the golden opportunity to go
on an international exchange program. -
0:12 - 0:16Ironically I'm an Australian
who prefers proper icy cold weather, -
0:16 - 0:21so I was both excited and tearful
when I got on a plane to Iceland, -
0:21 - 0:24after just having farewelled
my parents and brothers goodbye. -
0:25 - 0:28I was welcomed into the home
of a beautiful Icelandic family -
0:28 - 0:29who took me hiking,
-
0:29 - 0:32and helped me get a grasp
of the melodic Icelandic language. -
0:33 - 0:36I struggled a bit with the initial
period of homesickness. -
0:36 - 0:38I snowboarded after school,
-
0:38 - 0:40and I slept a lot.
-
0:40 - 0:44Two hours of chemistry class in a language
that you don't yet fully understand -
0:44 - 0:46can be a pretty good sedative.
-
0:46 - 0:47(Laughter)
-
0:49 - 0:51My teacher recommended
I try out for the school play, -
0:51 - 0:54just to get me a bit more socially active.
-
0:54 - 0:57It turns out I didn't end up
being part of the play, -
0:57 - 0:59but through it I met Thordis.
-
0:59 - 1:02We shared a lovely teenage romance,
-
1:02 - 1:04and we'd meet at lunchtimes
to just hold hands -
1:04 - 1:06and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.
-
1:07 - 1:10I met her welcoming family,
and she met my friends. -
1:11 - 1:13We'd been in a budding relationship
for a bit over a month -
1:13 - 1:16when our school's Christmas Ball was held.
-
1:18 - 1:21Thordis Elva: I was 16
and in love for the first time. -
1:22 - 1:24Going together to the Christmas dance
-
1:24 - 1:26was a public confirmation
of our relationship, -
1:26 - 1:29and I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world. -
1:29 - 1:32No longer a child, but a young woman.
-
1:33 - 1:35High on my newfound maturity,
-
1:35 - 1:39I felt it was only natural to try drinking
rum for the first time that night, too. -
1:39 - 1:42That was a bad idea.
-
1:42 - 1:43I became very ill,
-
1:43 - 1:45drifting in and out of consciousness
-
1:45 - 1:48in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.
-
1:48 - 1:51The security guards wanted
to call me an ambulance, -
1:51 - 1:54but Tom acted as my knight
in shining armor, -
1:54 - 1:56and told them he'd take me home.
-
1:57 - 1:58It was like a fairy tale,
-
1:59 - 2:00his strong arms around me,
-
2:00 - 2:03laying me in the safety of my bed.
-
2:04 - 2:08But the gratitude that I felt
towards him soon turned to horror -
2:08 - 2:13as he proceeded to take off my clothes
and get on top of me. -
2:13 - 2:15My head had cleared up,
-
2:15 - 2:18but my body was still
too weak to fight back, -
2:18 - 2:20and the pain was blinding.
-
2:21 - 2:23I thought I'd be severed in two.
-
2:24 - 2:25In order to stay sane,
-
2:25 - 2:29I silently counted the seconds
on my alarm clock. -
2:30 - 2:31And ever since that night,
-
2:31 - 2:37I've known that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours. -
2:39 - 2:42Despite limping for days
and crying for weeks, -
2:42 - 2:47this incident didn't fit my ideas
about rape like I'd seen on TV. -
2:47 - 2:49Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;
-
2:49 - 2:51he was my boyfriend.
-
2:51 - 2:54And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,
-
2:54 - 2:56it happened in my own bed.
-
2:57 - 3:00By the time I could identify
what had happened to me as rape, -
3:00 - 3:02he had completed his exchange program
-
3:02 - 3:04and left for Australia.
-
3:05 - 3:08So I told myself it was pointless
to address what had happened. -
3:08 - 3:09And besides,
-
3:09 - 3:12it had to have been my fault, somehow.
-
3:13 - 3:15I was raised in a world
where girls are taught -
3:15 - 3:17that they get raped for a reason.
-
3:18 - 3:20Their skirt was too short,
-
3:20 - 3:23their smile was too wide,
-
3:23 - 3:25their breath smelled of alcohol.
-
3:26 - 3:29And I was guilty of all of those things,
-
3:29 - 3:31so the shame had to be mine.
-
3:32 - 3:33It took me years to realize
-
3:33 - 3:37that only one thing could have stopped me
from being raped that night, -
3:37 - 3:39and it wasn't my skirt,
-
3:39 - 3:41it wasn't my smile,
-
3:41 - 3:43it wasn't my childish trust.
-
3:44 - 3:48The only thing that could've stopped me
from being raped that night -
3:48 - 3:50is the man who raped me --
-
3:50 - 3:52had he stopped himself.
-
3:53 - 3:55TS: I have vague memories of the next day:
-
3:56 - 3:58the after effects of drinking,
-
3:58 - 4:01a certain hollowness
that I tried to stifle. -
4:02 - 4:03Nothing more.
-
4:04 - 4:06But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
-
4:07 - 4:09It is important to now state
-
4:09 - 4:12that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
-
4:13 - 4:16The word "rape" didn't echo
around my mind as it should've, -
4:17 - 4:20and I wasn't crucifying myself
with memories of the night before. -
4:22 - 4:24It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,
-
4:24 - 4:27it was more like any acknowledgment
of reality was forbidden. -
4:28 - 4:32My definition of my actions completely
refuted any recognition -
4:33 - 4:35of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
-
4:36 - 4:38To be honest,
-
4:38 - 4:42I repudiated the entire act
in the days afterwards -
4:43 - 4:44and when I was committing it.
-
4:45 - 4:50I disavowed the truth by convincing
myself it was sex and not rape. -
4:51 - 4:55And this is a lie I've felt
spine-bending guilt for. -
4:56 - 4:58I broke up with Thordis
a couple of days later, -
4:58 - 5:00and then saw her a number of times
-
5:00 - 5:02during the remainder
of my year in Iceland, -
5:02 - 5:05feeling a sharp stab
of heavyheartedness each time. -
5:06 - 5:10Deep down, I knew I'd done
something immeasurably wrong. -
5:11 - 5:14But without planning it,
I sunk the memories deep, -
5:14 - 5:16and then I tied a rock to them.
-
5:18 - 5:20What followed is a nine-year period
-
5:20 - 5:23that can best be titled
as "Denial and Running." -
5:24 - 5:28When I got a chance to identify
the real torment that I caused, -
5:29 - 5:31I didn't stand still long enough to do so.
-
5:32 - 5:34Whether it be via distraction,
-
5:34 - 5:36substance use,
-
5:36 - 5:37thrill-seeking
-
5:37 - 5:41or the scrupulous policing
of my inner speak, -
5:41 - 5:43I refused to be static and silent.
-
5:45 - 5:46And with this noise,
-
5:46 - 5:49I also drew heavily
upon other parts of my life -
5:49 - 5:52to construct a picture of who I was.
-
5:53 - 5:54I was a surfer,
-
5:54 - 5:56a social science student,
-
5:56 - 5:58a friend to good people,
-
5:58 - 6:00a loved brother and son,
-
6:00 - 6:02an outdoor recreation guide,
-
6:02 - 6:03and eventually, a youth worker.
-
6:04 - 6:08I gripped tight to the simple notion
that I wasn't a bad person. -
6:09 - 6:12I didn't think I had this in my bones.
-
6:12 - 6:14I thought I was made up of something else.
-
6:15 - 6:16In my nurtured upbringing,
-
6:16 - 6:19my loving extended family and role models,
-
6:20 - 6:22people close to me were warm and genuine
-
6:22 - 6:23in their respect shown towards women.
-
6:25 - 6:30It took me a long time to stare down
this dark corner of myself, -
6:30 - 6:31and to ask it questions.
-
6:34 - 6:36TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,
-
6:36 - 6:38I was 25 years old,
-
6:38 - 6:40and headed straight
for a nervous breakdown. -
6:41 - 6:45My self-worth was buried
under a soul-crushing load of silence -
6:45 - 6:48that isolated me from everyone
that I cared about, -
6:48 - 6:51and I was consumed
with misplaced hatred and anger -
6:51 - 6:53that I took out on myself.
-
6:54 - 6:56One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears -
6:56 - 6:58after a fight with a loved one,
-
6:58 - 7:00and I wandered into a café,
-
7:00 - 7:02where I asked the waitress for a pen.
-
7:03 - 7:04I always had a notebook with me,
-
7:05 - 7:08claiming that it was to jot down ideas
in moments of inspiration, -
7:08 - 7:13but the truth was that I needed
to be constantly fidgeting, -
7:13 - 7:14because in moments of stillness,
-
7:14 - 7:17I found myself counting seconds again.
-
7:18 - 7:23But that day, I watched in wonder
as the words streamed out of my pen, -
7:23 - 7:26forming the most pivotal letter
I've ever written, -
7:26 - 7:28addressed to Tom.
-
7:28 - 7:32Along with an account of the violence
that he subjected me to, -
7:32 - 7:35the words, "I want to find forgiveness"
-
7:35 - 7:37stared back at me,
-
7:37 - 7:39surprising nobody more than myself.
-
7:40 - 7:44But deep down I realized that this
was my way out of my suffering, -
7:44 - 7:48because regardless of whether or not
he deserved my forgiveness, -
7:48 - 7:51I deserved peace.
-
7:51 - 7:54My era of shame was over.
-
7:56 - 7:58Before sending the letter,
-
7:58 - 8:00I prepared myself for all kinds
of negative responses, -
8:00 - 8:04or what I found likeliest:
no response whatsoever. -
8:05 - 8:08The only outcome
that I didn't prepare myself for -
8:08 - 8:10was the one that I then got --
-
8:10 - 8:15a typed confession from Tom,
full of disarming regret. -
8:16 - 8:20As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned by silence. -
8:20 - 8:24And this marked the start
of an eight-year-long correspondence -
8:24 - 8:27that God knows was never easy,
-
8:27 - 8:29but always honest.
-
8:30 - 8:33I relieved myself of the burdens
that I'd wrongfully shouldered, -
8:33 - 8:37and he, in turn, wholeheartedly
owned up to what he'd done. -
8:37 - 8:40Our written exchanges became a platform
-
8:40 - 8:42to dissect the consequences of that night,
-
8:42 - 8:45and they were everything
from gut-wrenching -
8:45 - 8:47to healing beyond words.
-
8:48 - 8:52And yet, it didn't bring about
closure for me. -
8:52 - 8:56Perhaps because the email format
didn't feel personal enough, -
8:56 - 8:58perhaps because it's easy to be brave
-
8:58 - 9:02when you're hiding behind a computer
screen on the other side of the planet. -
9:02 - 9:04But we'd begun a dialogue
-
9:04 - 9:08that I felt was necessary
to explore to its fullest. -
9:08 - 9:10So, after eight years of writing,
-
9:10 - 9:14and nearly 16 years after that dire night,
-
9:14 - 9:18I mustered the courage
to propose a wild idea: -
9:18 - 9:19that we'd meet up in person
-
9:19 - 9:22and face our past once and for all.
-
9:25 - 9:28TS: Iceland and Australia
are geographically like this. -
9:29 - 9:31In the middle of the two is South Africa.
-
9:32 - 9:35We decided upon the city of Cape Town,
-
9:35 - 9:37and there we met for one week.
-
9:38 - 9:42The city itself proved to be
a stunningly powerful environment -
9:42 - 9:45to focus on reconciliation
and forgiveness. -
9:46 - 9:48Nowhere else has healing
and rapprochement been tested -
9:49 - 9:50like it has in South Africa.
-
9:51 - 9:55As a nation, South Africa sought
to sit within the truth of its past, -
9:55 - 9:57and to listen to the details
of its history. -
9:59 - 10:03Knowing this only magnified the effect
that Cape Town had on us. -
10:04 - 10:05Over the course of this week,
-
10:05 - 10:08we literally spoke
our life stories to each other, -
10:08 - 10:10from start to finish.
-
10:11 - 10:14And this was about analyzing
our own history. -
10:16 - 10:18We followed a strict policy
of being honest, -
10:18 - 10:21and this also came
with a certain exposure, -
10:21 - 10:23an open-chested vulnerability.
-
10:24 - 10:26There were gutting confessions,
-
10:26 - 10:29and moments where we just
absolutely couldn't fathom -
10:29 - 10:31the other person's experience.
-
10:32 - 10:37The seismic effects of sexual violence
were spoken aloud and felt, -
10:37 - 10:39face to face.
-
10:40 - 10:41At other times, though,
-
10:42 - 10:44we found a soaring clarity,
-
10:45 - 10:50and even some totally unexpected
but liberating laughter. -
10:51 - 10:53When it came down to it,
-
10:53 - 10:56we did out best to listen
to each other intently. -
10:57 - 11:03And our individual realities
were aired with an unfiltered purity -
11:03 - 11:06that couldn't do any less
than lighten the soul. -
11:09 - 11:13TE: Wanting to take revenge
is a very human emotion -- -
11:13 - 11:14instinctual, even.
-
11:15 - 11:17And all I wanted to do for years
-
11:17 - 11:21was to hurt Tom back as deeply
as he had hurt me. -
11:22 - 11:25But had I not found a way
out of the hatred and anger, -
11:25 - 11:27I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.
-
11:28 - 11:32That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts along the way. -
11:33 - 11:36When the plane bounced
on that landing strip in Cape Town, -
11:36 - 11:38I remember thinking,
-
11:38 - 11:42"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist and a bottle of vodka -
11:42 - 11:44like a normal person would do?"
-
11:44 - 11:47(Laughter)
-
11:47 - 11:51At times, our search
for understanding in Cape Town -
11:51 - 11:53felt like an impossible quest,
-
11:53 - 11:55and all I wanted to do was to give up
-
11:55 - 11:57and go home to my loving
husband, Vidir, -
11:57 - 11:58and our son.
-
12:00 - 12:02But despite our difficulties,
-
12:02 - 12:07this journey did result
in a victorious feeling -
12:07 - 12:10that light had triumphed over darkness,
-
12:11 - 12:15that something constructive
could be built out of the ruins. -
12:17 - 12:18I read somewhere
-
12:18 - 12:22that you should try and be the person
that you needed when you were younger. -
12:22 - 12:23And back when I was a teenager,
-
12:23 - 12:27I would have needed to know
that the shame wasn't mine, -
12:27 - 12:30that there's hope after rape,
-
12:30 - 12:31that you can even find happiness,
-
12:31 - 12:33like I share with my husband today.
-
12:34 - 12:38Which is why I started writing feverishly
upon my return from Cape Town, -
12:38 - 12:41resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,
-
12:41 - 12:44that we hope can be of use
to people from both ends -
12:44 - 12:47of the perpetrator-survivor scale.
-
12:47 - 12:49If nothing else,
-
12:49 - 12:53it's a story that we would've needed
to hear when we were younger. -
12:55 - 12:57Given the nature of our story,
-
12:57 - 12:59I know the words
that inevitably accompany it -- -
13:00 - 13:02victim, rapist --
-
13:03 - 13:05and labels are a way to organize concepts,
-
13:05 - 13:09but they can also be dehumanizing
in their connotations. -
13:10 - 13:12Once someone's been deemed a victim,
-
13:12 - 13:17it's that much easier to file them away
as someone damaged, -
13:17 - 13:19dishonored,
-
13:19 - 13:20less than.
-
13:21 - 13:23And likewise, once someone
has been branded a rapist, -
13:23 - 13:26it's that much easier
to call him a monster -- -
13:27 - 13:28inhuman.
-
13:29 - 13:32But how will we understand
what it is in human societies -
13:32 - 13:33that produces violence
-
13:33 - 13:38if we refuse to recognize
the humanity of those who commit it? -
13:39 - 13:40And how --
-
13:40 - 13:42(Applause)
-
13:42 - 13:47And how can we empower survivors
if we're making them feel less than? -
13:48 - 13:51How can we discuss solutions
to one of the biggest threats -
13:52 - 13:55to the lives of women and children
around the world, -
13:55 - 13:59if the very words we use
are part of the problem? -
14:02 - 14:04TS: From what I've now learnt,
-
14:04 - 14:09my actions that night in 1996
were a self-centered taking. -
14:10 - 14:12I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
-
14:14 - 14:17I've had primarily positive
social influences -
14:17 - 14:19and examples of equitable
behavior around me. -
14:20 - 14:21But on that occasion,
-
14:21 - 14:23I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
-
14:24 - 14:27The ones that see women
as having less intrinsic worth, -
14:28 - 14:32and of men having some unspoken
and symbolic claim to their bodies. -
14:34 - 14:37These influences I speak of
are external to me, though. -
14:38 - 14:40And it was only me in that room
making choices, -
14:40 - 14:42nobody else.
-
14:43 - 14:45When you own something
-
14:45 - 14:47and really square up to your culpability,
-
14:48 - 14:51I do think a surprising thing can happen.
-
14:51 - 14:54It's what I call a paradox of ownership.
-
14:55 - 14:58I thought I'd buckle
under the weight of responsibility. -
14:58 - 15:01I thought my certificate
of humanity would be burnt. -
15:02 - 15:06Instead, I was offered
to really own what I did, -
15:07 - 15:10and found that it didn't possess
the entirety of who I am. -
15:11 - 15:13Put simply,
-
15:13 - 15:17something you've done doesn't have
to constitute the sum of who you are. -
15:19 - 15:20The noise in my head abated.
-
15:21 - 15:25The indulgent self-pity
was starved of oxygen, -
15:25 - 15:29and it was replaced
with the clean air of acceptance -- -
15:31 - 15:35an acceptance that I did hurt
this wonderful person standing next to me; -
15:35 - 15:41an acceptance that I am part of a large
and shockingly everyday grouping of men -
15:41 - 15:43who have been sexually violent
toward their partners. -
15:45 - 15:47Don't underestimate the power of words.
-
15:48 - 15:53Saying to Thordis that I raped her
changed my accord with myself, -
15:53 - 15:54as well as with her.
-
15:56 - 15:57But most importantly,
-
15:57 - 16:00the blame transferred from Thordis to me.
-
16:01 - 16:02Far too often,
-
16:03 - 16:07the responsibility is attributed
to female survivors of sexual violence, -
16:07 - 16:10and not to the males who enact it.
-
16:11 - 16:12Far too often,
-
16:12 - 16:17the denial and running leaves all parties
at a great distance from the truth. -
16:19 - 16:22There's definitely a public
conversation happening now, -
16:22 - 16:25and like a lot of people,
-
16:25 - 16:27we're heartened
that there's less retreating -
16:27 - 16:30from this difficult
but important discussion. -
16:31 - 16:35I feel a real responsibility
to add our voices to it. -
16:38 - 16:43TE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing for others. -
16:43 - 16:49Nobody has the right to tell anyone else
how to handle their deepest pain -
16:49 - 16:50or their greatest error.
-
16:51 - 16:54Breaking your silence is never easy,
-
16:54 - 16:56and depending on where
you are in the world, -
16:56 - 16:59it can even be deadly
to speak out about rape. -
17:00 - 17:04I realize that even the most
traumatic event of my life -
17:04 - 17:07is still a testament to my privilege,
-
17:07 - 17:10because I can talk about it
without getting ostracized, -
17:10 - 17:12or even killed.
-
17:12 - 17:15But with that privilege of having a voice
-
17:15 - 17:18comes the responsibility of using it.
-
17:19 - 17:23That's the least I owe
my fellow survivors who can't. -
17:25 - 17:28The story we've just relayed is unique,
-
17:28 - 17:33and yet it is so common with sexual
violence being a global pandemic. -
17:33 - 17:35But it doesn't have to be that way.
-
17:36 - 17:39One of the things that I found useful
on my own healing journey -
17:39 - 17:41is educating myself about sexual violence.
-
17:41 - 17:44And as a result,
I've been reading, writing -
17:44 - 17:47and speaking about this issue
for over a decade now, -
17:47 - 17:49going to conferences around the world.
-
17:49 - 17:51And in my experience,
-
17:51 - 17:56the attendees of such events
are almost exclusively women. -
17:57 - 18:04But it's about time that we stop treating
sexual violence as a women's issue. -
18:04 - 18:09(Applause)
-
18:17 - 18:21A majority of sexual violence
against women and men -
18:21 - 18:23is perpetrated by men.
-
18:23 - 18:27And yet their voices are sorely
underrepresented in this discussion. -
18:29 - 18:33But all of us are needed here.
-
18:34 - 18:38Just imagine all the suffering
we could alleviate -
18:38 - 18:42if we dared to face this issue together.
-
18:43 - 18:44Thank you.
-
18:44 - 18:48(Applause)
- Title:
- Our story of rape and reconciliation
- Speaker:
- Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger
- Description:
-
In 1996, Thordis Elva shared a teenage romance with Tom Stranger, an exchange student from Australia. After a school dance, Tom raped Thordis, after which they parted ways for many years. In this extraordinary talk, Elva and Stranger move through a years-long chronology of shame and silence, and invite us to discuss the omnipresent global issue of sexual violence in a new, honest way. For a Q&A with the speakers, visit go.ted.com/thordisandtom.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 22:48
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for Our story of rape and reconciliation |