You raise your children, I will teach them French | Rosalind Wiseman | TEDxTeachersCollege

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED conferences.
In this talk, Rosalind Wiseman addresses the complex problem of bullying in schools and how administrators and parents need to support kids to make schools the safe places they should be.

Rosalind Wiseman: Hi.
(Audience) Hi.

So, I'm Rosalind Wiseman.

My job is to teach Ethical Leadership,

Media Literacy and Bullying Prevention

in schools.

What that means

is that I'm regularly working
with people who think that nothing I say

is going to make a difference
that will make their life better.

If you talk with kids
about bullying in schools,

they immediately start to roll their eyes.

But it's not just the kids
who roll their eyes,

it's also the teachers.

I want to share with you a letter

that I received recently
from a French teacher,

that I think really shows
what we're up against.

"Dear Rosalind,

while I do not advocate ignoring bullying,

I can tell you
that while I'm sure it goes on,

I am not aware of it.

I am busy teaching.

I don't mean to sound unkind,

but wading into the abyss
of teenage social cruelty

is just not on my agenda.

I am a foreign language teacher,

not a psychologist or a counselor.

So, please stop asking me to assume roles

for which I am unprepared,
and frankly, I am uninterested.

Stop wanting teachers to do
every job that comes down the pike,

and be all surprised
when instruction suffers.

You raise your children,
I will teach them French."

Now, when I finished reading this letter,

I thought this person seriously
needs to stop teaching.

They are completely burnt out,

seventh graders have taken their toll,

it is time to go.

But then, I had an experience
a couple of days later,

that I really want to share with you,

that was extraordinarily profound for me.

I regularly teach
professional development to teachers.

Large regions get together,

I stand in front of hundreds,
a thousand teachers,

and I teach.

So, like any day,

I walked into the training beforehand,

and I want to describe to you
what the auditorium was like.

The 70s made some very ugly schools.

Everything was bunker-style, no windows,

and this school had not been renovated,
since the 1970s.

So, there I was.

It was bunkered, no windows,
the AV didn't work.

The carpet was frayed, it was dark,
it sort of smelled, sort of stale.

If you all can remember
and have a flashback maybe? To school?

It was not great.

And then I watched the teachers walk in.

Now, some of them came
and sat in the middle,

but not in the front row.

No teacher, just like students,
are going to sit in the front row.

Some of them sat in the back,

some scattered,

but there was a part of the auditorium
where the lights weren't working.

And there was a group of teachers
and school resource officers

that sat in the back right corner

where I couldn't see them.

Now if you were a teacher,
you know that is a problem.

I could see that they
had already taken out their phones,

and everybody in the room
had taken out their work.

To do their homework, during
my professional development training.

Now, this is a problem.

Because they expect us
to be at best so mediocre

that it is a complete waste of their time.

I wanted to share with them this letter,

because I thought
this was a great example of:

"Wow! Isn't this person burnt out,
we need to do better!"

Ok, so, I said the letter.

I was completely wrong.

I have worked in education for 15 years,
I was completely wrong.

I read the letter.

There was silence.

Then there was anxious laughter.

And then there was laughing,

and clapping from the back corner.

And everybody in this room

felt like this teacher was saying
something that they felt,

but had never thought
they could say out loud.

Now, one of the things
that I do when I teach,

is I talk about
the definition of listening.

Listening is to be prepared
to be changed by what you hear.

So, there I was, in this room,

mortified that these teachers
were laughing and clapping,

and then I had to listen.

What was happening

that these teachers would feel
like this was speaking to them?

What was happening?

Because I know that those teachers
did not start teaching

feeling totally disconnected from kids.

And having this attitude of:

"I don't want to wade into the abyss
of teenage social drama."

What was happening?

We have to listen to this.

Because these teachers are disengaged

and they're feeling
like they can't do anything.

And I want to explain why,

then I want to explain
how I think we can get out of it.

In the last decade we have spent
a tremendous amount of time

talking about the failure of education.

Teachers hear
about failing schools all the time.

We also have talked about bullying.

In the last several years

48 states have passed bullying laws.

Only one of them has connected
appropriations with the funds

to train teachers
to implement those bullying laws.

Only one.

I don't want to disrespect
any of the people

who have put together some of these laws,

but it is not hard for a politician

to put a button on his suit
that says, "No Bullying,"

when he is not the person
who actually has to enforce it.

It's not fair.

And then, not to be able

to give the resources
to the teachers to help them,

is basically like a parent
who sets down the rules,

and then expects
somebody else to do the work.

It's not fair.
They're receiving no training.

Maybe this teacher,
this French teacher,

is not the best teacher in the world,
maybe she never was.

But she still needs training.

Now, let me say to you,
this was hard for me

because I have worked
for 18 years, 18 years,

since I was 22,

on the two concepts that are dear to me.

One is about dignity.

The dignity is not negotiable.

The dignity means
that every person is worthwhile,

and that when you walk into a school

your voice is heard, and you matter,
and you are visible.

The second is that conflict is inevitable,

and that probably,
abuse of power is likely.

And that children and all of us

need to have social competence
to deal with that,

but that we must do it with dignity
and tact, of ourselves and others.

And here I am,
with a group of teachers

who I know are so burnt out
that they seem like they don't care.

Let me give you a moment to realize
what a typical teacher's day is like.

Seven periods a day,

48 minutes each,

maybe a five minute break
between those seven periods.

In that class there are 30 students,

at least 80% of those have smart phones,

20% of the kids who don't have
cell phones and smartphones

are looking over their shoulder
and contributing to what's going on.

If you were a parent,
you'd know that it's very difficult

to get your kid off of games
and cell phones; you know it.

This teacher has 30 kids, you have one.

The teacher hasn't been trained.

Then she decides, during her break,
that she wants to get a cup of coffee.

She has five minutes.

She walks down the hallway

and she sees something
that teachers see every single day

that contributes profoundly
to the climate and culture of a school.

If the climate and culture of a school
are the unwritten rules

that we know matter,
for better or for worse.

She walks down the hallway
and she sees something uncomfortable.

Her stomach tenses.

She sees a group of kids

that she thinks might be playing,
might be bullying, she doesn't know.

All of these kids, all of these boys,

are six inches taller than she is
and she doesn't know them.

They're not her students.

She walks by, her stomach's clenching
and she hears one of them say:

"Don't be a faggot,"
"Don't be retarded,"

or " Dude, I'm going to call the INS,
I'm going to deport you."

They laugh.

She doesn't like it.

She knows they have
this bullying policy in place.

What's she going to do?

What she does is she goes and talks
to the target and she says,

"Are they bothering you?"

There's only one answer
that that child can say in that moment,

and it completely reinforces
the bully's power,

"I'm fine, don't worry about it."

In that moment,

she has completely contributed
to the problem.

She hasn't been trained,
she doesn't know what to do.

And by the way, she has 30 kids
back in her classroom,

and if she doesn't get there,
something else could happen.

This is what we give teachers.

This is what I would suggest that we do.

When she's walking down
the hallway, and she sees this,

she knows that she can't talk
to the target.

There is no point in asking
what is going on.

She gets the kids on task,

gets them to the class, tells them to go.

She assesses them as they walk away.

Because teachers can figure out anything
when you discipline and send kids off,

by who talks badly about you walking away.

The kid who talks badly
about you has the social power.

The kids who are agreeing with that person

are the bystanders
who are agreeing with the bully.

And the kids who don't say anything
are either the victim

or the silent bystanders
who want to do something but can't.

The other part is that she waits to see
if she can find that one kid,

that target.

She says:
"Can I talk to you for a second?"

She maybe even fibs, and says,

"Come here and help me with something."

Then she says:

"I saw that thing in the hallway,

I'm not sure if that was OK or not,

but you can always talk to me."

There might not be
the hallmark moment right then.

But he knows that [she sees him].

In the classroom, what does she do?

She says to any kind of, "You're so gay,"
"You're so retarded" [that] comes up,

she says: "If you use those words
to put somebody down, is not acceptable."

She moves on.

If a kid comes to her with a problem,

she doesn't say
what adults almost always say,

which is, "Just ignore it,"

"You're going to be stronger
for getting through the process,"

"They didn't really mean it that way,"
"Be the better person."

What she says is:
"I'm really sorry this happened to you,

thank you for telling me.

We're going to figure this out.

If you tell me something that is too much
for me to handle on my own,

that I don't know,

we're going to think of who
is the counselor who can help you,

because I'm the bridge,

I'm not the counselor, but I'm the bridge
to getting you the help that you need."

Now, it can't all be
on the teacher's shoulders.

So, there are two things
that I want to really emphasize

for people who are in positions
of leadership in schools.

Number one, when things are
really bad in that teachers' room,

and that we have
a target who feels unsafe,

one of the things
we've consistently done in schools,

just like in that hallway
to reinforce the bully's power,

is [that] we move and control
the motions and movements of the victim.

So, if you are the victim,
and you feel unsafe,

five minutes before class begins
there's a knock on the door,

and your school resource officer,
or the counselor,

comes and gets you out of class
and takes you to your next class.

Because we're focused,
with good intention,

on trying to protect the target.

But when we do this,
we reinforce the power of the bully.

If anybody is going to be controlled
it is the movement of the bully.

So, an adult who will treat
the bully with dignity,

knocks on the door
five minutes before class is to end,

and says: "Come with me,
we're going to your next class."

So, not only is the victim safe

but that all of the other kids realize

that the adults are competent at handling
this complex, difficult problem.

The second thing
that I think administrators need to do

is that when you walk into a school,

--and I'd ask you to do this
the next time you're in a high school--

is see who is represented in the hallway.

Because in most schools, what you'll see,

are these vicious, horrible mascots,
like the panthers, and the jaguars,

and they're reaching out
to destroy you, right?

OK.

Also, there are pictures
of championship sports teams,

trophies line the walls.

I was at a high school
like this two days ago.

If there's anything else, there's
the marching band trophies in the corner,

but that's helping out
the athletic guys, right?

There's nothing wrong at all
with celebrating athletic achievement

but all children need to be represented
in the public space of the school.

If a child walks in,

I mean into the school,

underneath those pictures of kids,
who are bullying them,

the school is saying,

in the unwritten rules of the school,
of the culture and climate,

who matters.

If you're bullied by kids like these,

if they go after you for who you are,

your race, you ethnicity,
your sexual orientation, your gender,

if you go up against
one of these kids, you will lose.

That is what we say when we celebrate

only certain children
on the walls of the school.

I work at a school called
Potomac Falls High School, in Virginia.

One of the reasons
why I knew I liked this school

is because when I walked in

there was a huge picture
of the championship basketball team,

next to a huge,
equally prominent-placed picture

of the theater kids, of the debate kids,
of all different kinds of kids.

I knew this was a good school.

And this Is a school
that deals with different problems,

just like every other school
in the country does.

So, when we do this,

when we educate,

no matter what we're doing,

21st century learning,
technology, teaching engineering,

School has always been about understanding

our rights and responsibilities
with the social contract of each other.

It has always been about understanding

how to create civil discourse
and democratic principles,

that our children
literally embody and learn,

and then they can take
that into the world.

That is what it has always been about.

So, what I'm asking all of us
to do is to step in.

I'm asking us that there are
things at stake here that are so large,

from a child who feels safe
walking into a school,

to feeling there are adults in their life

who care and are competent
to help them and advocate for them.

When children know
that we are there for them,

--and we don't need to know about
the social abyss of teenage cruelty--

that we care enough to understand
the power of those dynamics,

and that we will step in
when it is necessary,

our children will meet us
more than half way.

They will engage, they will care,

they will think that we know
what we are doing,

they'll trust us

to take leaps and risks of faith,
to do new things, try new things,

and to reach out when they need help.

Often, one of the things we say
to kids is, "You're our future."

But what I want to ask
all of us is to recognize

that we are their here and now.

And when that happens,
when we really think about that,

as teachers and parents
and administrators in kids,

people who care
deeply about our communities,

our schools can be the place
that, for all of us, deserve to be.