What Disney doesn't tell us: Benya Kraus TEDxYouth@ISBangkok

Benya's thought-provoking talk asks the audience to examine the definition of love that is given by the media. She challenges this romanticized view of passionate love and offers another more meaningful and lasting concept for others to ponder.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Good evening everybody.

I'd like to share a little story with you.

Once upon a time,
there was a girl named Cinderella,

who lived in an abusive family.

Since she was never allowed out,
and mice were her only friends,

I think it's safe to say
she was pretty sexually frustrated.

Then, one night,
she snuck out to a party.

and she met the hottest guy ever.

In the span of a couple of hours -
whoo - they were madly in love.

By the next morning, Prince Charming's
testosterone levels were raging high.

So, he chased her all over town,

so they could get married
and live happily ever after.

This is a story that I,
and many of you, grew up with.

It was my guide on how
love is, and should be.

Disney taught us that love is that stir
of passion inside you,

the butterflies that fluttered
in your tummy.

But what Disney doesn't teach us,

Is that after a while,
all that stuff disappears.

And instead of getting her
"happily ever after,"

ten years down the road, Cinderella
is actually stuck with this.

And this!

[Divorce Decree]

I'm just a 17-year-old high school girl.

I've never gotten married,
had a family of my own,

or really had that much experience
in the dating field myself.

But in my 17 years, I have seen
Huffington Post report

that 10.6 per cent of the adult
US population is or has been divorced.

I've seen Kim Kardashian
marry Chris Humphries.

And then break up 72 days later.

I've seen Brittney Spears
marry her high school sweetheart,

for a record of 55 hours.

I've seen my best friend's family
crumble from a devastating divorce.

I've seen affairs happen
right before my eyes.

And I've seen that distant look
between parents,

who try to make it seem
like everything's OK,

when in reality,

they don't even sleep
in the same bed anymore.

I may be 17,

but I know that love is not
like how it is in fairytales.

In fact, in the United States

more than one million children each year

experience the break-up of their families.

According to a sociologist,
Andrew J. Cherlin,

what is significant about
the contemporary American family

compared to that of any other nation

is the combination
of frequent marriage, frequent divorce.

According to Time magazine,

there are more partners
in the personal lives of Americans

than in the lives of people
of any other Western Country.

So, why does this happen?

If love is still 'death do us part,'
then why does it just go away?

Perhaps, it's because of the new way
society has taught us to define love.

(Video) "You can't stop thinking
about the person."

"Whenever you see them,
you'll just be happy."

"You never get, like, bored
being around them."

"Excitement, I guess. And happiness.
It's supposed to make you feel good."

"If they make you happy."

"Bubbly and happy."

"You're always smiling and stuff."

"It feels like candy, exploding
in my mouth, with sour stuff coming out."

All the romantic comedies,
celebrity gossip, reality TV shows,

teach us that love consists of passion.

Or as Kevin says,
"That candy in your mouth."

No one ever films the boring,
stable relationships.

Today's media glamourizes

that feeling of nausea,
that tingly sensation,

that constant obsession, that inability
to think of anything else

except for that person.

Kind of makes love sound like cocaine.

And if we buy into Kesha's teachings
and believe that "your love is my drug,"

then how could it ever be
sustainable and long-lasting?

Because like a drug, passion
has its highs and lows.

It's there one moment, and gone the next.

The problem in today's society

is that we confuse love with passion.

We are taught to believe that

a healthy relationship
is one steaming with passion.

Our partner is supposed
to make us happy 24/7

and if things aren't
constantly fun and easy,

then it's not a good relationship.

The truth though, is that

no one can make us happy all the time.

As humans, we're not perfect.

So, why do we expect our partner to be?

Another question:
What do we consider to be love?

The Department of Psychology
at Stony Brook University

has conducted research to tell us
that love goes through many phases.

Studies of brain scans
tell us that dopamine,

the chemical representing passionate love,

is at its highest levels

at the beginning and final
stages of a relationship.

Or in other words,

the 'honeymoon phase' and the time
when the kids finally leave the house.

But what happens in the middle?

Do you just stop loving each other

once your relationship has
established it's predictable routine?

According to Stony Brook University,

the answer is no.

Instead, love takes on a new form.

The dopamine levels start to decrease
as it is physically impossible

for any human being to maintain such
a high level of dopamine all the time.

And instead, it turns
into companionate love.

That's the kind of love
we associate with intimacy,

the closeness and comfortness

that results from a routine
and stable relationship.

However, when the passionate
love fades away,

we are socially wired to say,

"Hey! something is wrong here.
This isn't like how it is in The Notebook.

When does Ryan Gosling run
after me, and kiss me in the rain?"

We take the stability and lack of passion
as signs that our relationship

is no longer positive,

that we no longer are in love.

And we give up.

This is not to say that passion is not
an important part in a relationship.

Passion plays an extremely important role.

But, it is also a common myth
to believe that once passion disappears,

there is no way of getting it back.

That's the thing with passionate love,
it's so inconsistent;

it comes and goes, in flashes and spurts,

but companionate love,
that's the love that stays.

That´s the love
that can handle the fights,

the routine boredom,
the little annoyances.

But the problem is,

we leave before we give it a chance.

I don't know all the answers to love.

I mean I'm figuring it out as I go.

But I think love is more
than just that butterfly feeling.

Because, unlike that butterfly feeling,
real love doesn't go away.

I mean, sure it changes,

it get's hard and sometimes,
things really suck.

But you stick with it.

Because no matter
how frustrated they make you,

at the end of the day.

they're the only person
who understands you,

who listens to you when they have no idea
what advice to give,

who gets your pathetic sense of humor
when no one else seems to.

I may only be 17,

but I know that this,

and this,

and this,

this is what real love is.

Companionate love?

That's the love that counts.

Passion? Well that's only a part of it.

Passion does not guarantee
a happily ever after.

Happy endings only happen
when you work for it,

and give companionate love a chance.

If only Disney taught us this.

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheers)