How my mind came back to life — and no one knew | Martin Pistorius | TEDxKC
-
0:19 - 0:24Imagine being unable to say,
"I am hungry", "I am in pain" -
0:24 - 0:27"Thank you", or "I love you."
-
0:27 - 0:29Being trapped inside your body,
-
0:29 - 0:32a body that doesn't respond to commands.
-
0:32 - 0:34Surrounded by people,
-
0:34 - 0:35yet utterly alone.
-
0:35 - 0:37Wishing you could reach out,
-
0:37 - 0:41to connect, to comfort, to participate.
-
0:41 - 0:44For 13 long years, that was my reality.
-
0:46 - 0:49Most of us never think twice
about talking, about communicating. -
0:51 - 0:53I thought a lot about it,
-
0:53 - 0:56I've had a lot of time to think.
-
0:56 - 0:58For the first 12 years of my life,
-
0:58 - 1:01I was a normal, happy, healthy little boy.
-
1:01 - 1:03Then everything changed.
-
1:03 - 1:05I contracted a brain infection.
-
1:05 - 1:07The doctors weren't sure what it was,
-
1:08 - 1:10but they treated me the best they could.
-
1:10 - 1:13However, I progressively got worse.
-
1:13 - 1:17Eventually, I lost my ability
to control my movements, -
1:18 - 1:19make eye contact,
-
1:19 - 1:22and finally, my ability to speak.
-
1:23 - 1:24While in hospital,
-
1:25 - 1:27I desperately wanted to go home.
-
1:27 - 1:30I said to my mother, "When home?"
-
1:30 - 1:33Those were the last words
I ever spoke with my own voice. -
1:35 - 1:38I would eventually fail every test
for mental awareness. -
1:39 - 1:42My parents were told
I was as good as not there. -
1:42 - 1:45A vegetable, having the intelligence
of a three-month-old baby. -
1:46 - 1:50They were told to take me home
and try to keep me comfortable -
1:50 - 1:51until I died.
-
1:52 - 1:55My parents, in fact
my entire family's lives, -
1:56 - 1:59became consumed by taking care of me
the best they knew how. -
2:00 - 2:02Their friends drifted away.
-
2:02 - 2:04One year turned to two,
-
2:04 - 2:05two turned to three.
-
2:06 - 2:09It seemed like the person I once was
began to disappear. -
2:11 - 2:15The Lego blocks and electronic circuits
I'd loved as a boy were put away. -
2:16 - 2:19I had been moved out of my bedroom
into another more practical one. -
2:20 - 2:22I had become a ghost,
-
2:22 - 2:25a faded memory of a boy
people once knew and loved. -
2:26 - 2:29Meanwhile, my mind began
knitting itself back together. -
2:30 - 2:33Gradually, my awareness started to return.
-
2:34 - 2:37But no one realized
that I had come back to life. -
2:37 - 2:39I was aware of everything,
-
2:39 - 2:41just like any normal person.
-
2:41 - 2:43I could see and understand everything,
-
2:43 - 2:46but I couldn't find a way
to let anybody know. -
2:47 - 2:50My personality was entombed
within a seemingly silent body, -
2:51 - 2:54a vibrant mind hidden in plain sight
within a chrysalis. -
2:55 - 2:58The stark reality hit me
that I was going to spend -
2:58 - 3:00the rest of my life locked inside myself,
-
3:00 - 3:02totally alone.
-
3:02 - 3:05I was trapped with only
my thoughts for company. -
3:06 - 3:08I would never be rescued.
-
3:08 - 3:11No one would ever show me tenderness.
-
3:11 - 3:13I would never talk to a friend.
-
3:13 - 3:15No one would ever love me.
-
3:16 - 3:19I had no dreams, no hope,
nothing to look forward to. -
3:20 - 3:23Well, nothing pleasant.
-
3:23 - 3:24I lived in fear,
-
3:24 - 3:25and, to put it bluntly,
-
3:26 - 3:29was waiting for death
to finally release me, -
3:29 - 3:32expecting to die all alone in a care home.
-
3:33 - 3:36I don't know if it's truly possible
to express in words -
3:36 - 3:39what it's like not to be able
to communicate. -
3:39 - 3:42Your personality appears
to vanish into a heavy fog -
3:42 - 3:44and all of your emotions and desires
-
3:44 - 3:48are constricted, stifled
and muted within you. -
3:48 - 3:51For me, the worst was the feeling
of utter powerlessness. -
3:53 - 3:54I simply existed.
-
3:55 - 3:57It's a very dark place to find yourself
-
3:57 - 4:00because in a sense, you have vanished.
-
4:01 - 4:04Other people controlled
every aspect of my life. -
4:04 - 4:07They decided what I ate and when.
-
4:07 - 4:10Whether I was laid on my side
or strapped into my wheelchair. -
4:11 - 4:14I often spent my days
positioned in front of the TV -
4:14 - 4:16watching Barney reruns.
-
4:16 - 4:19I think because Barney
is so happy and jolly, -
4:19 - 4:21and I absolutely wasn't,
-
4:21 - 4:23it made it so much worse.
-
4:24 - 4:27I was completely powerless
to change anything in my life -
4:27 - 4:30or people's perceptions of me.
-
4:30 - 4:33I was a silent, invisible observer
of how people behaved -
4:33 - 4:36when they thought no one was watching.
-
4:36 - 4:39Unfortunately, I wasn't only an observer.
-
4:39 - 4:42With no way to communicate,
I became the perfect victim: -
4:43 - 4:46A defenseless object,
seemingly devoid of feelings -
4:47 - 4:50that people used
to play out their darkest desires. -
4:51 - 4:54For more than 10 years,
people who were charged with my care -
4:55 - 4:58abused me physically,
verbally and sexually. -
4:59 - 5:02Despite what they thought, I did feel.
-
5:02 - 5:04The first time it happened,
-
5:04 - 5:07I was shocked and filled with disbelief.
-
5:07 - 5:08How could they do this to me?
-
5:09 - 5:11I was confused.
-
5:11 - 5:13What had I done to deserve this?
-
5:13 - 5:17Part of me wanted to cry
and another part wanted to fight. -
5:18 - 5:21Hurt, sadness and anger
flooded through me. -
5:21 - 5:23I felt worthless.
-
5:23 - 5:25There was no one to comfort me.
-
5:26 - 5:29But neither of my parents
knew this was happening. -
5:29 - 5:33I lived in terror, knowing
it would happen again and again. -
5:33 - 5:36I just never knew when.
-
5:36 - 5:38All I knew was that I would
never be the same. -
5:39 - 5:42I remember once listening
to Whitney Houston singing, -
5:43 - 5:47"No matter what they take from me,
they can't take away my dignity." -
5:48 - 5:51And I thought to myself,
"You want to bet?" -
5:53 - 5:56Perhaps my parents could have
found out and could have helped. -
5:57 - 5:59But the years of constant caretaking,
-
5:59 - 6:02having to wake up
every two hours to turn me, -
6:02 - 6:05combined with them essentially
grieving the loss of their son, -
6:05 - 6:08had taken a toll on my mother and father.
-
6:09 - 6:12Following yet another heated argument
between my parents, -
6:12 - 6:15in a moment of despair and desperation,
-
6:15 - 6:18my mother turned to me
and told me that I should die. -
6:20 - 6:23I was shocked, but as I thought
about what she had said, -
6:23 - 6:26I was filled with enormous compassion
and love for my mother, -
6:27 - 6:29yet I could do nothing about it.
-
6:31 - 6:33There were many moments when I gave up,
-
6:33 - 6:35sinking into a dark abyss.
-
6:35 - 6:38I remember one particularly low moment.
-
6:39 - 6:41My dad left me alone in the car
-
6:41 - 6:44while he quickly went
to buy something from the store. -
6:44 - 6:47A random stranger walked past,
-
6:47 - 6:50looked at me and he smiled.
-
6:51 - 6:54I may never know why, but that simple act,
-
6:54 - 6:56the fleeting moment of human connection,
-
6:56 - 6:59transformed how I was feeling,
-
6:59 - 7:01making me want to keep going.
-
7:02 - 7:05My existence was tortured by monotony,
-
7:05 - 7:08a reality that was often too much to bare.
-
7:08 - 7:12Alone with my thoughts,
I constructed intricate fantasies -
7:12 - 7:15about ants running across the floor.
-
7:15 - 7:20I taught myself to tell the time
by noticing where the shadows were. -
7:20 - 7:24As I learned how the shadows moved
as the hours of the day passed, -
7:25 - 7:29I understood how long it would be
before I was picked up and taken home. -
7:29 - 7:32Seeing my father walk
through the door to collect me -
7:33 - 7:35was the best moment of the day.
-
7:36 - 7:38My mind became a tool that I could use
-
7:38 - 7:41to either close down
to retreat from my reality -
7:41 - 7:45or enlarge into a gigantic space
that I could fill with fantasies. -
7:46 - 7:48I hoped that my reality would change
-
7:48 - 7:51and someone would see
that I had come back to life. -
7:51 - 7:53But I had been washed away
like a sand castle -
7:53 - 7:56built too close to the waves,
-
7:56 - 7:59and in my place was the person
people expected me to be. -
8:00 - 8:03To some I was Martin,
the vacant shell, the vegetable, -
8:04 - 8:07deserving of harsh words,
dismissal, and even abuse. -
8:08 - 8:11To others, I was the tragically
brain-damaged boy -
8:11 - 8:13who had grown to become a man.
-
8:13 - 8:16Someone they were kind to and cared for.
-
8:16 - 8:19Good or bad, I was a blank canvass
-
8:19 - 8:22onto which different versions
of myself were projected. -
8:23 - 8:26It took someone new
to see me in a different way. -
8:26 - 8:30An aromatherapist began coming
to the care home about once a week. -
8:31 - 8:34Whether through intuition
or her attention to details -
8:34 - 8:36that others failed to notice,
-
8:36 - 8:39she became convinced that I could
understand what was being said. -
8:40 - 8:43She urged my parents
to have me tested by experts -
8:43 - 8:46in augmentative
and alternative communication. -
8:47 - 8:48And within a year,
-
8:48 - 8:51I was beginning to use
a computer program to communicate. -
8:52 - 8:55It was exhilarating,
but frustrating at times. -
8:56 - 8:58I had so many words in my mind,
-
8:58 - 9:01that I couldn't wait
to be able to share them. -
9:01 - 9:04Sometimes, I would say things to myself
simply because I could. -
9:05 - 9:08In myself, I had already an audience,
-
9:08 - 9:11and I believed that by expressing
my thoughts and wishes, -
9:11 - 9:13others would listen, too.
-
9:13 - 9:15But as I began to communicate more,
-
9:15 - 9:18I realized that it was in fact
only just the beginning -
9:18 - 9:21of creating a new voice for myself.
-
9:21 - 9:25I was thrust into a world
I didn't quite know how to function in. -
9:26 - 9:27I stopped going to the care home
-
9:28 - 9:31and managed to get my first job
making photocopies. -
9:31 - 9:34As simple as this may sound,
it was amazing. -
9:35 - 9:37My new world was really exciting,
-
9:37 - 9:40but often quite overwhelming
and frightening. -
9:40 - 9:42I was like a man-child,
-
9:42 - 9:44and as liberating as it often was,
-
9:44 - 9:45I struggled.
-
9:45 - 9:49I also learned that many of those
who had known me for a long time -
9:49 - 9:53found it impossible to abandon the idea
of Martin they had in their heads. -
9:54 - 9:55While those I had only just met
-
9:55 - 9:59struggled to look past the image
of a silent man in a wheelchair. -
10:00 - 10:03I realized that some people
would only listen to me -
10:03 - 10:06if what I said was in line
with what they expected. -
10:06 - 10:08Otherwise, it was disregarded
-
10:08 - 10:10and they did what they felt was best.
-
10:11 - 10:13I discovered that true communication
-
10:13 - 10:16is about more than merely
physically conveying a message. -
10:16 - 10:19It is about getting the message
heard and respected. -
10:21 - 10:23Still, things were going well.
-
10:23 - 10:26My body was slowly getting stronger.
-
10:26 - 10:28I had a job in computing that I loved,
-
10:28 - 10:32and had even got Kojak, the dog
I had been dreaming about for years. -
10:33 - 10:36However, I longed to share
my life with someone. -
10:37 - 10:41I remember staring out the window
as my dad drove me home from work, -
10:42 - 10:45thinking I have so much love inside of me
and nobody to give it to. -
10:46 - 10:50Just as I had resigned myself
to being single for the rest of my life, -
10:51 - 10:53I met Joan.
-
10:53 - 10:56Not only is she the best thing
that has ever happened to me, -
10:56 - 11:00but Joan helped me to challenge
my own misconceptions about myself. -
11:01 - 11:05Joan said it was through my words
that she fell in love with me. -
11:06 - 11:08However, after all I had been through,
-
11:08 - 11:10I still couldn't shake the belief
-
11:10 - 11:13that nobody could truly see
beyond my disability -
11:13 - 11:16and accept me for who I am.
-
11:16 - 11:19I also really struggled
to comprehend that I was a man. -
11:20 - 11:23The first time someone
referred to me as a man, -
11:23 - 11:25it stopped me in my tracks.
-
11:25 - 11:29I felt like looking around
and asking, "Who, me?" -
11:30 - 11:32That all changed with Joan.
-
11:32 - 11:34We have an amazing connection
-
11:34 - 11:38and I learned how important it is
to communicate openly and honestly. -
11:39 - 11:43I felt safe and it gave me the confidence
to truly say what I thought. -
11:44 - 11:47I started to feel whole again,
a man worthy of love. -
11:48 - 11:50I began to reshape my destiny.
-
11:50 - 11:53I spoke up a little more at work.
-
11:53 - 11:56I asserted my need for independence
to the people around me. -
11:57 - 12:00Being given a means of communication
changed everything. -
12:01 - 12:05I used the power of words and will
to challenge the preconceptions -
12:05 - 12:08of those around me
and those I had of myself. -
12:09 - 12:11Communication is what makes us human,
-
12:11 - 12:14enabling us to connect
on the deepest level -
12:14 - 12:16with those around us:
-
12:16 - 12:17Telling our own stories,
-
12:17 - 12:20expressing wants, needs and desires,
-
12:21 - 12:24or hearing those of others
by really listening. -
12:24 - 12:27All this is how the world
knows who we are. -
12:27 - 12:29So who are we without it?
-
12:30 - 12:33True communication increases understanding
-
12:34 - 12:37and creates a more caring
and compassionate world. -
12:38 - 12:41Once, I was perceived
to be an inanimate object, -
12:41 - 12:44a mindless phantom
of a boy in a wheelchair. -
12:44 - 12:46Today, I am so much more.
-
12:47 - 12:49A husband, a son, a friend,
-
12:49 - 12:53a brother, a business owner,
a first-class honors graduate, -
12:53 - 12:56a keen amateur photographer.
-
12:56 - 12:59It is my ability to communicate
that has given me all this. -
13:00 - 13:03We are told that actions
speak louder than words. -
13:04 - 13:06But I wonder,
-
13:06 - 13:07do they?
-
13:09 - 13:12Our words, however we communicate them,
-
13:12 - 13:14are just as powerful.
-
13:14 - 13:16Whether we speak the words
with our own voices, -
13:16 - 13:18type them with our eyes,
-
13:18 - 13:22or communicate them non-verbally
to someone who speaks them for us, -
13:22 - 13:25words are among our most powerful tools.
-
13:26 - 13:29I have come to you through
a terrible darkness, -
13:29 - 13:31pulled from it by caring souls
-
13:31 - 13:33and by language itself.
-
13:34 - 13:37The act of you listening to me today
brings me farther into the light. -
13:38 - 13:40We are shining here together.
-
13:40 - 13:44If there is one most difficult obstacle
to my way of communicating, -
13:44 - 13:46it is that sometimes I want to shout
-
13:46 - 13:49and other times, to simply whisper
a word of love or gratitude. -
13:51 - 13:53It all sounds the same.
-
13:53 - 13:54But if you will,
-
13:54 - 13:58please imagine these next two words
as warmly as you can: -
14:00 - 14:02Thank you.
-
14:03 - 14:06(Applause)
- Title:
- How my mind came back to life — and no one knew | Martin Pistorius | TEDxKC
- Description:
-
Imagine being unable to say, "I am hungry," "I am in pain," "thank you," or "I love you,” — losing your ability to communicate, being trapped inside your body, surrounded by people yet utterly alone. For 13 long years, that was Martin Pistorius’s reality. After contracting a brain infection at the age of twelve, Pistorius lost his ability to control his movements and to speak, and eventually he failed every test for mental awareness. He had become a ghost. But then a strange thing started to happen — his mind began to knit itself back together. In this moving talk, Pistorius tells how he freed himself from a life locked inside his own body.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 14:32
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How my mind came back to life — and no one knew | Martin Pistorius | TEDxKC | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How my mind came back to life — and no one knew | Martin Pistorius | TEDxKC | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for How my mind came back to life — and no one knew | Martin Pistorius | TEDxKC |