What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera
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0:12 - 0:14Every year in the United States alone,
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0:14 - 0:182,077,000 couples
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0:18 - 0:21make a legal and spiritual decision
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0:21 - 0:25to spend the rest of their lives
together... -
0:25 - 0:27(Laughter)
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0:27 - 0:30and not to have sex with anyone else,
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0:30 - 0:32ever.
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0:33 - 0:35He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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0:36 - 0:38They go shopping
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0:38 - 0:40for all sorts of things.
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0:40 - 0:42She takes him to Arthur Murray
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0:42 - 0:45for ballroom dancing lessons.
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0:45 - 0:47And the big day comes.
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0:47 - 0:50And they'll stand before God and family
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0:50 - 0:53and some guy
her dad once did business with, -
0:53 - 0:55and they'll vow that nothing,
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0:55 - 0:57not abject poverty,
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0:57 - 1:00not life-threatening illness,
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1:00 - 1:03not complete and utter misery
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1:03 - 1:06will ever put the tiniest damper
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1:06 - 1:08on their eternal love and devotion.
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1:08 - 1:10(Laughter)
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1:10 - 1:12These optimistic young bastards
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1:12 - 1:14promise to honor and cherish each other
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1:14 - 1:16through hot flashes
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1:16 - 1:19and mid-life crises
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1:19 - 1:22and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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1:22 - 1:25until that far-off day
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1:25 - 1:28when one of them is finally able
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1:28 - 1:30to rest in peace.
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1:30 - 1:33You know, because they can't hear
the snoring anymore. -
1:33 - 1:35And then they'll get stupid drunk
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1:35 - 1:38and smash cake in each others' faces
and do the "Macarena," -
1:38 - 1:40and we'll be there
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1:40 - 1:42showering them with towels and toasters
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1:42 - 1:44and drinking their free booze
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1:44 - 1:46and throwing birdseed at them
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1:46 - 1:48every single time -
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1:48 - 1:50even though we know,
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1:50 - 1:52statistically,
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1:52 - 1:55half of them will be divorced
within a decade. -
1:55 - 1:58(Laughter)
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1:58 - 2:00Of course, the other half won't, right?
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2:00 - 2:03They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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2:03 - 2:06and arguing about where to spend holidays
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2:06 - 2:08and debating which way
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2:08 - 2:12the toilet paper
should come off of the roll. -
2:12 - 2:14And some of them
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2:14 - 2:18will even still be enjoying
each others' company -
2:18 - 2:21when neither of them
can chew solid food anymore. -
2:21 - 2:24And researchers want to know why.
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2:24 - 2:27I mean, look, it doesn't take
a double-blind, placebo-controlled study -
2:27 - 2:31to figure out
what makes a marriage not work. -
2:31 - 2:33Disrespect, boredom,
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2:33 - 2:36too much time on Facebook,
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2:36 - 2:38having sex with other people.
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2:38 - 2:41But you can have the exact opposite
of all of those things - -
2:41 - 2:44respect, excitement,
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2:44 - 2:46a broken Internet connection,
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2:46 - 2:49mind-numbing monogamy -
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2:50 - 2:53and the thing still can go to hell
in a hand basket. -
2:53 - 2:56So what's going on when it doesn't?
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2:56 - 2:58What do the folks who make it
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2:58 - 3:01all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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3:01 - 3:02have in common?
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3:02 - 3:04What are they doing right?
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3:04 - 3:07What can we learn from them?
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3:07 - 3:11And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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3:11 - 3:13why should you stop what you're doing
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3:13 - 3:15and make it your life's work
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3:15 - 3:18to find that one special person
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3:18 - 3:21that you can annoy
for the rest of your life? -
3:21 - 3:24Well researchers spend billions
of your tax dollars -
3:24 - 3:26trying to figure that out.
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3:26 - 3:28They stalk blissful couples
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3:28 - 3:31and they study their every move
and mannerism. -
3:31 - 3:33And they try to pinpoint what it is
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3:33 - 3:35that sets them apart
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3:35 - 3:37from their miserable neighbors
and friends. -
3:37 - 3:39And it turns out,
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3:39 - 3:40the success stories
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3:40 - 3:43share a few similarities,
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3:43 - 3:46actually, beyond they don't have sex
with other people. -
3:46 - 3:49For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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3:49 - 3:52the wife is thinner and better looking
than the husband. -
3:52 - 3:53(Laughter)
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3:53 - 3:56Obvious, right.
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3:56 - 3:58It's obvious that this leads
to marital bliss -
3:58 - 4:00because, women, we care a great deal
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4:00 - 4:02about being thin and good looking,
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4:02 - 4:05whereas men mostly care about sex...
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4:05 - 4:07ideally with women
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4:07 - 4:09who are thinner and better looking
than they are. -
4:09 - 4:11The beauty of this research though
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4:11 - 4:13is that no one is suggesting
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4:13 - 4:15that women have to be thin to be happy;
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4:15 - 4:18we just have to be thinner
than our partners. -
4:18 - 4:20So instead of all that laborious
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4:20 - 4:22dieting and exercising,
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4:22 - 4:26we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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4:26 - 4:28maybe bake a few pies.
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4:28 - 4:30This is good information to have,
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4:30 - 4:33and it's not that complicated.
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4:33 - 4:35Research also suggests
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4:35 - 4:37that the happiest couples
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4:37 - 4:39are the ones that focus on the positives.
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4:39 - 4:41For example, the happy wife.
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4:41 - 4:44Instead of pointing out
her husband's growing gut -
4:44 - 4:46or suggesting he go for a run,
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4:46 - 4:48she might say,
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4:48 - 4:51"Wow, honey, thank you
for going out of your way -
4:51 - 4:54to make me relatively thinner."
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4:54 - 4:57These are couples
who can find good in any situation. -
4:57 - 4:59"Yeah, it was devastating
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4:59 - 5:02when we lost everything in that fire,
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5:02 - 5:05but it's kind of nice sleeping out
here under the stars, -
5:05 - 5:07and it's a good thing
you've got all that body fat -
5:07 - 5:09to keep us warm."
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5:09 - 5:12One of my favorite studies found
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5:12 - 5:15that the more willing
a husband is to do house work, -
5:15 - 5:18the more attractive
his wife will find him. -
5:18 - 5:22Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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5:22 - 5:24But here's what's going on here.
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5:24 - 5:27The more attractive she finds him,
the more sex they have; -
5:27 - 5:29the more sex they have,
the nicer he is to her; -
5:29 - 5:31the nicer he is to her,
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5:31 - 5:34the less she nags him
about leaving wet towels on the bed - -
5:34 - 5:37and ultimately,
they live happily ever after. -
5:37 - 5:40In other words, men,
you might want to pick it up a notch -
5:40 - 5:43in the domestic department.
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5:43 - 5:45Here's an interesting one.
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5:45 - 5:46One study found
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5:46 - 5:50that people who smile
in childhood photographs -
5:50 - 5:52are less likely to get a divorce.
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5:53 - 5:56This is an actual study,
and let me clarify. -
5:56 - 5:58The researchers were not looking
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5:58 - 6:00at documented self-reports
of childhood happiness -
6:00 - 6:02or even studying old journals.
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6:02 - 6:04The data were based entirely
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6:04 - 6:07on whether people looked happy
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6:07 - 6:09in these early pictures.
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6:09 - 6:12Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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6:12 - 6:14but when I was a kid,
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6:14 - 6:17your parents took pictures
with a special kind of camera -
6:17 - 6:19that held something called film,
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6:19 - 6:22and, by God, film was expensive.
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6:23 - 6:25They didn't take 300 shots of you
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6:25 - 6:28in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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6:28 - 6:30and then pick out the nicest,
smileyest one -
6:30 - 6:32for the Christmas card.
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6:32 - 6:34Oh no.
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6:34 - 6:36They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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6:36 - 6:39and you smiled for the fucking camera
like they told you to -
6:39 - 6:41or you could kiss
your birthday party goodbye. -
6:41 - 6:43But still, I have a huge pile
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6:43 - 6:45of fake happy childhood pictures
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6:45 - 6:48and I'm glad they make me less likely
than some people -
6:48 - 6:50to get a divorce.
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6:50 - 6:52So what else can you do
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6:52 - 6:54to safeguard your marriage?
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6:54 - 6:57Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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6:57 - 6:59(Laughter)
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6:59 - 7:00I'm serious.
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7:00 - 7:03Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford,
Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank, -
7:03 - 7:05Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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7:05 - 7:07all of them single
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7:07 - 7:09soon after taking home that statue.
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7:09 - 7:11They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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7:11 - 7:13It is the marriage kiss of death
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7:13 - 7:16and something that should be avoided.
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7:16 - 7:19And it's not just successfully
starring in films -
7:19 - 7:20that's dangerous.
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7:20 - 7:24It turns out,
merely watching a romantic comedy -
7:24 - 7:27causes relationship satisfaction
to plummet. -
7:27 - 7:29(Laughter)
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7:29 - 7:31Apparently, the bitter realization
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7:31 - 7:35that maybe it could happen to us,
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7:35 - 7:37but it obviously hasn't
and it probably never will, -
7:37 - 7:39makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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7:39 - 7:41in comparison.
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7:41 - 7:43And theoretically,
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7:43 - 7:46I suppose if we opt for a film
where someone gets brutally murdered -
7:46 - 7:48or dies in a fiery car crash,
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7:48 - 7:51we are more likely
to walk out of that theater -
7:51 - 7:54feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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7:54 - 7:57Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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7:57 - 7:59is bad for your marriage.
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7:59 - 8:01Yeah.
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8:02 - 8:04I can't tell you anymore about that one
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8:04 - 8:06because I stopped reading it
at the headline. -
8:06 - 8:07But here's a scary one:
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8:07 - 8:09Divorce is contagious.
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8:10 - 8:13That's right - when you have
a close couple friend split up, -
8:13 - 8:15it increases your chances
of getting a divorce -
8:15 - 8:18by 75 percent.
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8:18 - 8:21Now I have to say,
I don't get this one at all. -
8:21 - 8:23My husband and I
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8:23 - 8:26have watched quite a few friends
divide their assets -
8:26 - 8:28and then struggle
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8:28 - 8:31with being our age and single
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8:31 - 8:33in an age of sexting and Viagra
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8:33 - 8:35and eHarmony.
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8:35 - 8:38And I'm thinking they've done
more for my marriage -
8:38 - 8:40than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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8:41 - 8:43So now you may be wondering,
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8:43 - 8:46why does anyone get married ever?
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8:47 - 8:50Well the U.S. federal government
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8:50 - 8:52counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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8:52 - 8:54to being someone's spouse -
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8:54 - 8:57a list that includes
visitation rights in jail, -
8:57 - 8:59but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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8:59 - 9:02But beyond the profound federal perks,
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9:03 - 9:05married people make more money.
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9:05 - 9:07We're healthier,
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9:07 - 9:10physically and emotionally.
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9:10 - 9:12We produce happier, more stable
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9:12 - 9:15and more successful kids.
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9:15 - 9:17We have more sex
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9:17 - 9:19than our supposedly
swinging single friends - -
9:19 - 9:21believe it or not.
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9:21 - 9:23We even live longer,
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9:23 - 9:25which is a pretty compelling argument
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9:25 - 9:27for marrying someone you like a lot
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9:27 - 9:29in the first place.
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9:30 - 9:34Now if you're not currently experiencing
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9:34 - 9:36the joy of the joint tax return,
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9:36 - 9:39I can't tell you how to find
a chore-loving person -
9:39 - 9:42of the approximately ideal size
and attractiveness -
9:42 - 9:45who prefers horror movies
and doesn't have a lot of friends -
9:45 - 9:46hovering on the brink of divorce,
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9:46 - 9:49but I can only encourage you to try,
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9:49 - 9:51because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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9:51 - 9:53are significant.
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9:53 - 9:56The bottom line is, whether you're in it
or you're searching for it, -
9:56 - 9:59I believe marriage is an institution
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9:59 - 10:02worth pursuing and protecting.
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10:02 - 10:04So I hope you'll use the information
I've given you today -
10:04 - 10:06to weigh your personal strengths
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10:06 - 10:08against your own risk factors.
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10:08 - 10:10For instance, in my marriage,
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10:10 - 10:12I'd say I'm doing okay.
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10:13 - 10:14One the one hand,
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10:14 - 10:17I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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10:17 - 10:19and incredibly handsome.
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10:19 - 10:22So I'm obviously going to need
to fatten him up. -
10:22 - 10:24And like I said,
we have those divorced friends -
10:24 - 10:26who may secretly or subconsciously
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10:26 - 10:28be trying to break us up.
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10:28 - 10:31So we have to keep an eye on that.
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10:32 - 10:34And we do like a cocktail or two.
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10:34 - 10:36On the other hand,
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10:36 - 10:38I have the fake happy picture thing.
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10:38 - 10:41And also, my husband does
a lot around the house, -
10:41 - 10:44and would happily never see
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10:44 - 10:46another romantic comedy
as long as he lives. -
10:46 - 10:49So I've got all those things going for me.
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10:49 - 10:51But just in case,
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10:51 - 10:53I plan to work extra hard
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10:53 - 10:56to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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10:56 - 10:58And for the good of your relationships,
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10:58 - 11:00I would encourage you to do the same.
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11:01 - 11:03I'll see you at the bar.
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11:03 - 11:08(Applause)
- Title:
- What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera
- Description:
-
In this funny, casual talk, writer Jenna McCarthy shares surprising research on how marriages (especially happy marriages) really work. One tip: Do not try to win an Oscar for best actress.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 11:25
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
TED Translators admin approved English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
Ivana Korom accepted English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | Jenna McCarthy | TEDxAmericanRiviera |