How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection
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0:01 - 0:02I'm a painter.
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0:02 - 0:05I make large-scale figurative paintings,
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0:05 - 0:06which means I paint people
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0:07 - 0:08like this.
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0:09 - 0:12But I'm here tonight to tell you
about something personal -
0:12 - 0:14that changed my work and my perspective.
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0:16 - 0:17It's something we all go through,
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0:17 - 0:21and my hope is that my experience
may be helpful to somebody. -
0:23 - 0:26To give you some background on me,
I grew up the youngest of eight. -
0:26 - 0:28Yes, eight kids in my family.
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0:28 - 0:31I have six older brothers and a sister.
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0:31 - 0:33To give you a sense of what that's like,
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0:34 - 0:36when my family went on vacation,
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0:36 - 0:37we had a bus.
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0:37 - 0:39(Laughter)
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0:41 - 0:44My supermom would drive us all over town
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0:44 - 0:46to our various after-school activities --
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0:46 - 0:48not in the bus.
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0:49 - 0:51We had a regular car, too.
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0:52 - 0:54She would take me to art classes,
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0:54 - 0:55and not just one or two.
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0:55 - 1:01She took me to every available art class
from when I was eight to 16, -
1:01 - 1:02because that's all I wanted to do.
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1:03 - 1:05She even took a class with me
in New York City. -
1:06 - 1:10Now, being the youngest of eight,
I learned a few survival skills. -
1:10 - 1:11Rule number one:
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1:11 - 1:14don't let your big brother
see you do anything stupid. -
1:16 - 1:18So I learned to be quiet and neat
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1:18 - 1:21and careful to follow the rules
and stay in line. -
1:22 - 1:25But painting was where I made the rules.
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1:25 - 1:26That was my private world.
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1:28 - 1:30By 14, I knew I really wanted
to be an artist. -
1:32 - 1:35My big plan was to be a waitress
to support my painting. -
1:36 - 1:38So I continued honing my skills.
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1:38 - 1:40I went to graduate school
and I got an MFA, -
1:40 - 1:44and at my first solo show,
my brother asked me, -
1:44 - 1:47"What do all these red dots
mean next to the paintings?" -
1:47 - 1:49Nobody was more surprised than me.
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1:50 - 1:52The red dots meant
that the paintings were sold -
1:52 - 1:54and that I'd be able to pay my rent
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1:54 - 1:55with painting.
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1:56 - 1:59Now, my apartment
had four electrical outlets, -
1:59 - 2:03and I couldn't use a microwave
and a toaster at the same time, -
2:03 - 2:05but still, I could pay my rent.
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2:05 - 2:07So I was very happy.
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2:08 - 2:10Here's a painting
from back around that time. -
2:11 - 2:14I needed it to be
as realistic as possible. -
2:14 - 2:16It had to be specific and believable.
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2:17 - 2:22This was the place where I was
isolated and in total control. -
2:24 - 2:27Since then, I've made a career
of painting people in water. -
2:27 - 2:31Bathtubs and showers were
the perfect enclosed environment. -
2:31 - 2:33It was intimate and private,
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2:33 - 2:37and water was this complicated challenge
that kept me busy for a decade. -
2:37 - 2:40I made about 200 of these paintings,
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2:40 - 2:42some of them six to eight feet,
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2:42 - 2:44like this one.
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2:44 - 2:49For this painting, I mixed flour in
with the bathwater to make it cloudy -
2:49 - 2:52and I floated cooking oil on the surface
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2:52 - 2:53and stuck a girl in it,
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2:53 - 2:55and when I lit it up,
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2:55 - 2:58it was so beautiful
I couldn't wait to paint it. -
2:58 - 3:02I was driven by this
kind of impulsive curiosity, -
3:03 - 3:04always looking for something new to add:
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3:05 - 3:06vinyl, steam, glass.
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3:07 - 3:11I once put all this Vaseline
in my head and hair -
3:11 - 3:13just to see what that would look like.
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3:13 - 3:14Don't do that.
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3:14 - 3:16(Laughter)
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3:18 - 3:20So it was going well.
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3:20 - 3:21I was finding my way.
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3:22 - 3:24I was eager and motivated
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3:24 - 3:25and surrounded by artists,
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3:26 - 3:28always going to openings and events.
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3:28 - 3:31I was having some success and recognition
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3:31 - 3:35and I moved into an apartment
with more than four outlets. -
3:36 - 3:38My mom and I would stay up very late
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3:38 - 3:41talking about our latest ideas
and inspiring each other. -
3:41 - 3:43She made beautiful pottery.
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3:45 - 3:47I have a friend named Bo
who made this painting -
3:47 - 3:50of his wife and I dancing by the ocean,
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3:50 - 3:52and he called it "The Light Years."
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3:52 - 3:55I asked him what that meant, and he said,
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3:55 - 3:58"Well, that's when you've stepped
into adulthood, you're no longer a child, -
3:59 - 4:02but you're not yet weighed down
by the responsibilities of life." -
4:03 - 4:05That was it. It was the light years.
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4:07 - 4:09On October 8, 2011,
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4:09 - 4:11the light years came to an end.
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4:11 - 4:13My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.
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4:15 - 4:18It had spread to her bones,
and it was in her brain. -
4:19 - 4:21When she told me this, I fell to my knees.
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4:21 - 4:22I totally lost it.
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4:24 - 4:26And when I got myself together
and I looked at her, -
4:26 - 4:28I realized, this isn't about me.
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4:28 - 4:30This is about figuring out
how to help her. -
4:31 - 4:32My father is a doctor,
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4:32 - 4:36and so we had a great advantage
having him in charge, -
4:36 - 4:38and he did a beautiful job
taking care of her. -
4:39 - 4:41But I, too, wanted to do
everything I could to help, -
4:42 - 4:44so I wanted to try everything.
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4:44 - 4:45We all did.
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4:46 - 4:48I researched alternative medicines,
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4:48 - 4:51diets, juicing, acupuncture.
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4:52 - 4:53Finally, I asked her,
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4:53 - 4:55"Is this what you want me to do?"
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4:55 - 4:57And she said, "No."
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4:57 - 5:00She said, "Pace yourself.
I'm going to need you later." -
5:04 - 5:06She knew what was happening,
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5:06 - 5:07and she knew what the doctors
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5:07 - 5:10and the experts
and the internet didn't know: -
5:10 - 5:12how she wanted to go through this.
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5:13 - 5:14I just needed to ask her.
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5:16 - 5:18I realized that if I tried to fix it,
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5:18 - 5:19I would miss it.
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5:20 - 5:22So I just started to be with her,
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5:22 - 5:24whatever that meant
and whatever situation came up, -
5:25 - 5:27just really listen to her.
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5:28 - 5:32If before I was resisting,
then now I was surrendering, -
5:33 - 5:36giving up trying to control
the uncontrollable -
5:36 - 5:38and just being there in it with her.
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5:40 - 5:41Time slowed down,
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5:42 - 5:43and the date was irrelevant.
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5:45 - 5:46We developed a routine.
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5:47 - 5:51Early each morning I would crawl
into bed with her and sleep with her. -
5:51 - 5:53My brother would come for breakfast
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5:53 - 5:56and we'd be so glad to hear
his car coming up the driveway. -
5:56 - 5:58So I'd help her up and take both her hands
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5:59 - 6:01and help her walk to the kitchen.
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6:02 - 6:05She had this huge mug she made
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6:05 - 6:07she loved to drink her coffee out of,
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6:08 - 6:10and she loved Irish soda bread
for breakfast. -
6:12 - 6:13Afterwards was the shower,
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6:13 - 6:14and she loved this part.
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6:14 - 6:16She loved the warm water,
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6:16 - 6:19so I made this as indulgent as I could,
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6:19 - 6:21like a spa.
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6:21 - 6:23My sister would help sometimes.
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6:23 - 6:25We had warm towels
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6:25 - 6:28and slippers ready immediately
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6:28 - 6:30so she never got cold for a second.
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6:31 - 6:32I'd blow-dry her hair.
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6:33 - 6:36My brothers would come in the evenings
and bring their kids, -
6:36 - 6:38and that was the highlight of her day.
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6:39 - 6:41Over time, we started to use a wheelchair,
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6:42 - 6:44and she didn't want to eat so much,
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6:44 - 6:49and she used the tiniest little teacup
we could find to drink her coffee. -
6:51 - 6:53I couldn't support her myself anymore,
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6:53 - 6:55so we hired an aide
to help me with the showers. -
6:56 - 6:59These simple daily activities
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6:59 - 7:01became our sacred ritual,
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7:02 - 7:04and we repeated them day after day
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7:04 - 7:05as the cancer grew.
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7:06 - 7:08It was humbling and painful
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7:08 - 7:11and exactly where I wanted to be.
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7:12 - 7:14We called this time "the beautiful awful."
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7:16 - 7:20She died on October 26, 2012.
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7:20 - 7:24It was a year and three weeks
after her diagnosis. -
7:25 - 7:26She was gone.
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7:30 - 7:31My brothers, sister, and father and I
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7:32 - 7:35all came together in this
supportive and attentive way. -
7:36 - 7:38It was as though our whole family dynamic
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7:38 - 7:40and all our established roles vanished
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7:40 - 7:43and we were just
all together in this unknown, -
7:43 - 7:44feeling the same thing
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7:45 - 7:46and taking care of each other.
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7:48 - 7:50I'm so grateful for them.
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7:53 - 7:57As someone who spends most
of my time alone in a studio working, -
7:57 - 8:00I had no idea that this kind of connection
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8:00 - 8:03could be so important, so healing.
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8:03 - 8:04This was the most important thing.
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8:06 - 8:08It was what I always wanted.
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8:09 - 8:14So after the funeral, it was time
for me to go back to my studio. -
8:16 - 8:18So I packed up my car
and I drove back to Brooklyn, -
8:18 - 8:21and painting is what I've always done,
so that's what I did. -
8:22 - 8:24And here's what happened.
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8:27 - 8:31It's like a release of everything
that was unraveling in me. -
8:34 - 8:39That safe, very, very carefully
rendered safe place -
8:39 - 8:42that I created in all my other paintings,
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8:42 - 8:43it was a myth.
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8:43 - 8:44It didn't work.
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8:45 - 8:48And I was afraid, because
I didn't want to paint anymore. -
8:51 - 8:53So I went into the woods.
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8:53 - 8:56I thought, I'll try that, going outside.
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8:56 - 9:00I got my paints,
and I wasn't a landscape painter, -
9:00 - 9:03but I wasn't really
much of any kind of painter at all, -
9:03 - 9:05so I had no attachment, no expectation,
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9:05 - 9:08which allowed me to be reckless and free.
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9:08 - 9:10I actually left one of these wet paintings
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9:10 - 9:12outside overnight
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9:13 - 9:16next to a light in the woods.
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9:16 - 9:19By the morning it was lacquered with bugs.
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9:21 - 9:23But I didn't care.
It didn't matter. It didn't matter. -
9:23 - 9:26I took all these paintings
back to my studio, -
9:26 - 9:28and scraped them, and carved into them,
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9:28 - 9:31and poured paint thinner on them,
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9:31 - 9:33put more paint on top, drew on them.
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9:33 - 9:34I had no plan,
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9:35 - 9:37but I was watching what was happening.
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9:39 - 9:41This is the one with all the bugs in it.
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9:42 - 9:44I wasn't trying to represent a real space.
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9:44 - 9:49It was the chaos and the imperfections
that were fascinating me, -
9:49 - 9:50and something started to happen.
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9:52 - 9:53I got curious again.
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9:54 - 9:57This is another one from the woods.
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9:58 - 10:00There was a caveat now, though.
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10:00 - 10:03I couldn't be controlling
the paint like I used to. -
10:03 - 10:06It had to be about implying
and suggesting, -
10:06 - 10:09not explaining or describing.
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10:10 - 10:14And that imperfect,
chaotic, turbulent surface -
10:14 - 10:16is what told the story.
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10:18 - 10:21I started to be as curious
as I was when I was a student. -
10:22 - 10:26So the next thing was I wanted
to put figures in these paintings, people, -
10:26 - 10:28and I loved this new environment,
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10:28 - 10:32so I wanted to have
both people and this atmosphere. -
10:34 - 10:36When the idea hit me of how to do this,
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10:36 - 10:39I got kind of nauseous and dizzy,
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10:39 - 10:42which is really just adrenaline, probably,
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10:42 - 10:45but for me it's a really good sign.
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10:45 - 10:48And so now I want to show you
what I've been working on. -
10:48 - 10:52It's something I haven't shown yet,
and it's like a preview, I guess, -
10:52 - 10:53of my upcoming show,
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10:53 - 10:54what I have so far.
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10:56 - 10:58Expansive space
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10:59 - 11:01instead of the isolated bathtub.
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11:01 - 11:04I'm going outside instead of inside.
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11:05 - 11:07Loosening control,
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11:08 - 11:10savoring the imperfections,
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11:10 - 11:11allowing the --
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11:12 - 11:14allowing the imperfections.
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11:16 - 11:17And in that imperfection,
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11:17 - 11:19you can find a vulnerability.
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11:19 - 11:23I could feel my deepest intention,
what matters most to me, -
11:26 - 11:27that human connection
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11:28 - 11:32that can happen in a space
where there's no resisting or controlling. -
11:34 - 11:35I want to make paintings about that.
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11:38 - 11:40So here's what I learned.
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11:41 - 11:44We're all going to have
big losses in our lives, -
11:45 - 11:47maybe a job or a career,
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11:47 - 11:50relationships, love, our youth.
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11:52 - 11:54We're going to lose our health,
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11:54 - 11:55people we love.
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11:56 - 11:59These kinds of losses
are out of our control. -
11:59 - 12:00They're unpredictable,
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12:01 - 12:02and they bring us to our knees.
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12:04 - 12:06And so I say, let them.
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12:07 - 12:09Fall to your knees. Be humbled.
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12:11 - 12:13Let go of trying to change it
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12:13 - 12:15or even wanting it to be different.
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12:15 - 12:17It just is.
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12:19 - 12:21And then there's space,
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12:21 - 12:24and in that space feel your vulnerability,
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12:24 - 12:26what matters most to you,
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12:26 - 12:27your deepest intention.
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12:29 - 12:30And be curious to connect
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12:32 - 12:35to what and who is really here,
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12:35 - 12:37awake and alive.
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12:38 - 12:39It's what we all want.
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12:41 - 12:44Let's take the opportunity
to find something beautiful -
12:45 - 12:48in the unknown, in the unpredictable,
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12:49 - 12:50and even in the awful.
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12:51 - 12:53Thank you.
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12:53 - 12:56(Applause)
- Title:
- How loss helped one artist find beauty in imperfection
- Speaker:
- Alyssa Monks
- Description:
-
Painter Alyssa Monks finds beauty and inspiration in the unknown, the unpredictable and even the awful. In a poetic, intimate talk, she describes the interaction of life, paint and canvas through her development as an artist, and as a human.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 13:08
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