My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story
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0:01 - 0:04The last time I heard my son's voice
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0:04 - 0:06was when he walked out the front door
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0:06 - 0:07on his way to school.
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0:08 - 0:11He called out one word in the darkness:
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0:11 - 0:13"Bye."
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0:13 - 0:16It was April 20, 1999.
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0:17 - 0:20Later that morning,
at Columbine High School, -
0:20 - 0:23my son Dylan and his friend Eric
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0:23 - 0:25killed 12 students and a teacher
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0:26 - 0:30and wounded more than 20 others
before taking their own lives. -
0:31 - 0:34Thirteen innocent people were killed,
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0:34 - 0:37leaving their loved ones
in a state of grief and trauma. -
0:38 - 0:40Others sustained injuries,
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0:40 - 0:44some resulting in disfigurement
and permanent disability. -
0:46 - 0:48But the enormity of the tragedy
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0:48 - 0:52can't be measured only by the number
of deaths and injuries that took place. -
0:53 - 0:56There's no way to quantify
the psychological damage -
0:56 - 0:58of those who were in the school,
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0:58 - 1:01or who took part
in rescue or cleanup efforts. -
1:02 - 1:06There's no way to assess
the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine, -
1:07 - 1:09especially when it can be a blueprint
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1:09 - 1:12for other shooters who go on
to commit atrocities of their own. -
1:14 - 1:15Columbine was a tidal wave,
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1:16 - 1:17and when the crash ended,
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1:17 - 1:21it would take years
for the community and for society -
1:21 - 1:23to comprehend its impact.
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1:25 - 1:29It has taken me years
to try to accept my son's legacy. -
1:30 - 1:33The cruel behavior
that defined the end of his life -
1:33 - 1:36showed me that he was a completely
different person from the one I knew. -
1:38 - 1:40Afterwards people asked,
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1:40 - 1:42"How could you not know?
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1:43 - 1:44What kind of a mother were you?"
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1:45 - 1:48I still ask myself those same questions.
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1:49 - 1:52Before the shootings,
I thought of myself as a good mom. -
1:53 - 1:55Helping my children become caring,
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1:55 - 1:58healthy, responsible adults
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1:58 - 2:01was the most important role of my life.
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2:02 - 2:05But the tragedy convinced me
that I failed as a parent, -
2:06 - 2:10and it's partially this sense of failure
that brings me here today. -
2:11 - 2:12Aside from his father,
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2:13 - 2:16I was the one person
who knew and loved Dylan the most. -
2:17 - 2:19If anyone could have known
what was happening, -
2:19 - 2:21it should have been me, right?
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2:22 - 2:23But I didn't know.
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2:25 - 2:27Today, I'm here to share the experience
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2:27 - 2:31of what it's like to be the mother
of someone who kills and hurts. -
2:32 - 2:36For years after the tragedy,
I combed through memories, -
2:36 - 2:40trying to figure out
exactly where I failed as a parent. -
2:40 - 2:43But there are no simple answers.
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2:43 - 2:45I can't give you any solutions.
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2:46 - 2:47All I can do
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2:48 - 2:50is share what I have learned.
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2:51 - 2:55When I talk to people
who didn't know me before the shootings, -
2:55 - 2:57I have three challenges to meet.
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2:58 - 3:01First, when I walk into a room like this,
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3:01 - 3:05I never know if someone there
has experienced loss -
3:05 - 3:07because of what my son did.
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3:08 - 3:12I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering
caused by a member of my family -
3:12 - 3:14who isn't here to do it for himself.
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3:15 - 3:18So first, with all of my heart,
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3:18 - 3:22I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.
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3:24 - 3:25The second challenge I have
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3:26 - 3:30is that I must ask for understanding
and even compassion -
3:31 - 3:34when I talk about
my son's death as a suicide. -
3:34 - 3:37Two years before he died,
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3:37 - 3:39he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook
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3:39 - 3:40that he was cutting himself.
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3:41 - 3:43He said that he was in agony
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3:43 - 3:45and wanted to get a gun
so he could end his life. -
3:46 - 3:50I didn't know about any of this
until months after his death. -
3:51 - 3:54When I talk about his death as a suicide,
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3:54 - 3:58I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness
he showed at the end of his life. -
3:59 - 4:01I'm trying to understand
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4:01 - 4:03how his suicidal thinking
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4:03 - 4:04led to murder.
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4:05 - 4:08After a lot of reading
and talking with experts, -
4:08 - 4:10I have come to believe
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4:10 - 4:15that his involvement in the shootings
was rooted not in his desire to kill -
4:15 - 4:17but in his desire to die.
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4:18 - 4:24The third challenge I have
when I talk about my son's murder-suicide -
4:24 - 4:27is that I'm talking about mental health --
-
4:28 - 4:29excuse me --
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4:29 - 4:32is that I'm talking about mental health,
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4:32 - 4:36or brain health, as I prefer to call it,
because it's more concrete. -
4:36 - 4:39And in the same breath,
I'm talking about violence. -
4:40 - 4:43The last thing I want to do
is to contribute to the misunderstanding -
4:43 - 4:46that already exists around mental illness.
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4:46 - 4:51Only a very small percent of those
who have a mental illness -
4:51 - 4:53are violent toward other people,
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4:55 - 4:58but of those who die by suicide,
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4:58 - 5:02it's estimated that about 75
to maybe more than 90 percent -
5:02 - 5:06have a diagnosable
mental health condition of some kind. -
5:07 - 5:08As you all know very well,
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5:08 - 5:11our mental health care system
is not equipped to help everyone, -
5:12 - 5:14and not everyone with destructive thoughts
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5:15 - 5:16fits the criteria
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5:16 - 5:18for a specific diagnosis.
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5:19 - 5:21Many who have ongoing feelings
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5:21 - 5:25of fear or anger or hopelessness
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5:25 - 5:27are never assessed or treated.
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5:28 - 5:32Too often, they get our attention
only if they reach a behavioral crisis. -
5:33 - 5:35If estimates are correct
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5:35 - 5:38that about one
to two percent of all suicides -
5:38 - 5:41involves the murder of another person,
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5:42 - 5:46when suicide rates rise,
as they are rising for some populations, -
5:47 - 5:49the murder-suicide rates
will rise as well. -
5:51 - 5:56I wanted to understand what was going on
in Dylan's mind prior to his death, -
5:56 - 6:00so I looked for answers
from other survivors of suicide loss. -
6:02 - 6:06I did research and volunteered
to help with fund-raising events, -
6:06 - 6:08and whenever I could,
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6:08 - 6:12I talked with those who had
survived their own suicidal crisis -
6:13 - 6:14or attempt.
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6:15 - 6:17One of the most helpful
conversations I had -
6:17 - 6:19was with a coworker
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6:19 - 6:20who overheard me talking to someone else
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6:20 - 6:22in my office cubicle.
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6:23 - 6:26She heard me say
that Dylan could not have loved me -
6:26 - 6:29if he could do something
as horrible as he did. -
6:30 - 6:32Later, when she found me alone,
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6:33 - 6:35she apologized for overhearing
that conversation, -
6:35 - 6:37but told me that I was wrong.
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6:38 - 6:40She said that when she was
a young, single mother -
6:41 - 6:42with three small children,
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6:43 - 6:47she became severely depressed
and was hospitalized to keep her safe. -
6:48 - 6:50At the time, she was certain
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6:50 - 6:54that her children
would be better off if she died, -
6:54 - 6:56so she had made a plan to end her life.
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6:57 - 7:01She assured me that a mother's love
was the strongest bond on Earth, -
7:01 - 7:04and that she loved her children
more than anything in the world, -
7:05 - 7:07but because of her illness,
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7:07 - 7:10she was sure that they
would be better off without her. -
7:12 - 7:14What she said and what
I've learned from others -
7:14 - 7:19is that we do not make
the so-called decision or choice -
7:19 - 7:20to die by suicide
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7:20 - 7:23in the same way
that we choose what car to drive -
7:23 - 7:25or where to go on a Saturday night.
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7:26 - 7:29When someone is
in an extremely suicidal state, -
7:29 - 7:34they are in a stage four
medical health emergency. -
7:35 - 7:39Their thinking is impaired and they've
lost access to tools of self-governance. -
7:40 - 7:43Even though they can
make a plan and act with logic, -
7:44 - 7:47their sense of truth
is distorted by a filter of pain -
7:47 - 7:50through which they
interpret their reality. -
7:51 - 7:55Some people can be very good
at hiding this state, -
7:55 - 7:57and they often have
good reasons for doing that. -
7:59 - 8:02Many of us have
suicidal thoughts at some point, -
8:02 - 8:06but persistent,
ongoing thoughts of suicide -
8:06 - 8:08and devising a means to die
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8:08 - 8:10are symptoms of pathology,
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8:10 - 8:12and like many illnesses,
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8:12 - 8:15the condition has to be
recognized and treated -
8:16 - 8:17before a life is lost.
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8:19 - 8:21But my son's death
was not purely a suicide. -
8:22 - 8:24It involved mass murder.
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8:25 - 8:31I wanted to know how his
suicidal thinking became homicidal. -
8:32 - 8:35But research is sparse
and there are no simple answers. -
8:36 - 8:39Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.
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8:41 - 8:46He had a personality
that was perfectionistic and self-reliant, -
8:47 - 8:51and that made him less likely
to seek help from others. -
8:52 - 8:55He had experienced
triggering events at the school -
8:55 - 9:01that left him feeling
debased and humiliated and mad. -
9:02 - 9:05And he had a complicated friendship
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9:05 - 9:10with a boy who shared his feelings
of rage and alienation, -
9:10 - 9:13and who was seriously disturbed,
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9:13 - 9:15controlling and homicidal.
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9:16 - 9:19And on top of this period in his life
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9:19 - 9:22of extreme vulnerability and fragility,
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9:23 - 9:26Dylan found access to guns
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9:26 - 9:28even though we'd never
owned any in our home. -
9:29 - 9:34It was appallingly easy
for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns, -
9:34 - 9:39both legally and illegally,
without my permission or knowledge. -
9:40 - 9:44And somehow, 17 years
and many school shootings later, -
9:45 - 9:47it's still appallingly easy.
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9:49 - 9:52What Dylan did that day broke my heart,
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9:53 - 9:55and as trauma so often does,
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9:55 - 9:58it took a toll on my body and on my mind.
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9:59 - 10:02Two years after the shootings,
I got breast cancer, -
10:03 - 10:07and two years after that,
I began to have mental health problems. -
10:08 - 10:12On top of the constant, perpetual grief
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10:12 - 10:15I was terrified that I would run
into a family member -
10:16 - 10:18of someone Dylan had killed,
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10:18 - 10:20or be accosted by the press
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10:20 - 10:21or by an angry citizen.
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10:23 - 10:25I was afraid to turn on the news,
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10:26 - 10:30afraid to hear myself being called
a terrible parent or a disgusting person. -
10:33 - 10:35I started having panic attacks.
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10:37 - 10:41The first bout started
four years after the shootings, -
10:41 - 10:44when I was getting ready
for the depositions -
10:44 - 10:47and would have to meet
the victims' families face to face. -
10:48 - 10:51The second round started
six years after the shootings, -
10:51 - 10:54when I was preparing
to speak publicly about murder-suicide -
10:54 - 10:56for the first time at a conference.
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10:58 - 11:00Both episodes lasted several weeks.
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11:02 - 11:04The attacks happened everywhere:
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11:04 - 11:08in the hardware store, in my office,
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11:08 - 11:10or even while reading a book in bed.
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11:11 - 11:16My mind would suddenly lock
into this spinning cycle of terror -
11:16 - 11:18and no matter how I hard I tried
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11:18 - 11:22to calm myself down
or reason my way out of it, -
11:22 - 11:23I couldn't do it.
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11:24 - 11:27It felt as if my brain
was trying to kill me, -
11:28 - 11:30and then, being afraid of being afraid
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11:31 - 11:32consumed all of my thoughts.
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11:33 - 11:35That's when I learned firsthand
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11:35 - 11:38what it feels like
to have a malfunctioning mind, -
11:39 - 11:42and that's when I truly
became a brain health advocate. -
11:44 - 11:47With therapy and medication and self-care,
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11:47 - 11:49life eventually returned
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11:49 - 11:52to whatever could be thought of
as normal under the circumstances. -
11:53 - 11:55When I looked back
on all that had happened, -
11:55 - 11:59I could see that my son's
spiral into dysfunction -
12:00 - 12:03probably occurred
over a period of about two years, -
12:03 - 12:05plenty of time to get him help,
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12:06 - 12:09if only someone had known
that he needed help -
12:09 - 12:11and known what to do.
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12:16 - 12:18Every time someone asks me,
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12:18 - 12:21"How could you not have known?",
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12:21 - 12:23it feels like a punch in the gut.
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12:24 - 12:28It carries accusation
and taps into my feelings of guilt -
12:28 - 12:31that no matter how much therapy I've had
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12:31 - 12:33I will never fully eradicate.
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12:34 - 12:36But here's something I've learned:
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12:37 - 12:39if love were enough
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12:39 - 12:41to stop someone who is suicidal
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12:41 - 12:42from hurting themselves,
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12:43 - 12:45suicides would hardly ever happen.
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12:46 - 12:48But love is not enough,
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12:49 - 12:51and suicide is prevalent.
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12:52 - 12:54It's the second leading cause of death
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12:55 - 12:57for people age 10 to 34,
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12:58 - 13:00and 15 percent of American youth
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13:00 - 13:03report having made a suicide plan
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13:03 - 13:04in the last year.
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13:06 - 13:10I've learned that no matter
how much we want to believe we can, -
13:11 - 13:14we cannot know or control
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13:14 - 13:16everything our loved ones think and feel,
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13:17 - 13:20and the stubborn belief
that we are somehow different, -
13:21 - 13:24that someone we love
would never think of hurting themselves -
13:24 - 13:25or someone else,
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13:26 - 13:28can cause us to miss
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13:28 - 13:30what's hidden in plain sight.
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13:32 - 13:35And if worst case scenarios
do come to pass, -
13:37 - 13:40we'll have to learn
to forgive ourselves for not knowing -
13:40 - 13:43or for not asking the right questions
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13:43 - 13:46or not finding the right treatment.
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13:47 - 13:48We should always assume
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13:49 - 13:51that someone we love may be suffering,
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13:52 - 13:54regardless of what they say
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13:55 - 13:56or how they act.
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13:57 - 13:59We should listen with our whole being,
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14:00 - 14:01without judgments,
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14:02 - 14:04and without offering solutions.
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14:07 - 14:11I know that I will live with this tragedy,
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14:11 - 14:13with these multiple tragedies,
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14:13 - 14:14for the rest of my life.
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14:15 - 14:17I know that in the minds of many,
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14:21 - 14:25what I lost can't compare
to what the other families lost. -
14:26 - 14:29I know my struggle
doesn't make theirs any easier. -
14:31 - 14:36I know there are even some who think
I don't have the right to any pain, -
14:36 - 14:39but only to a life of permanent penance.
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14:42 - 14:44In the end what I know comes down to this:
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14:45 - 14:51the tragic fact is that even
the most vigilant and responsible of us -
14:52 - 14:53may not be able to help,
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14:55 - 14:57but for love's sake,
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14:57 - 14:59we must never stop trying
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14:59 - 15:01to know the unknowable.
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15:02 - 15:03Thank you.
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15:03 - 15:05(Applause)
- Title:
- My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story
- Speaker:
- Sue Klebold
- Description:
-
Sue Klebold is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the two shooters who committed the Columbine High School massacre, murdering 12 students and 1 teacher. She's spent years excavating every detail of her family life, trying to understand what she could have done to prevent her son's violence. In this difficult, jarring talk, Klebold explores the intersection between mental health and violence, advocating for parents and professionals to continue to examine the link between suicidal and homicidal thinking.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:18
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story |