It begins with consent | Bianca Villani | TEDxABQWomen

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

Almost everywhere you turn, we are saturated by messages that challenge the necessity of active consent. Sexual violence preventionist Bianca Villani has spent almost four years working on the ground to ensure consent education adapted from national best practices and research is available to communities in Central New Mexico. Engaging in conversations around consent is easy, fun and applicable to our daily lives.

When was the last time
you asked for consent?

And I'm referring the sexual consent.

Was it last year, maybe a couple
of weeks ago, or maybe last night?

Perhaps a couple of hours
before this event?

Consent is a voluntary
and conscious agreement

to engage in any physical
or sexual interaction.

And that can be but not limited to:

kissing someone, touching someone,

cuddling, hugging,
intercourse, even flirting.

Yes, flirting has to be consensual

whether it's through an online dating app
or face to face.

For the last four and half years
of my professional career,

I've spent talking
to every audience type you can imagine

about consent, healthy relationships,
and about sexual violence.

Why is this important?

Why do I talk about consent for a living?

Because in New Mexico one in four women,
and one in 20 men will experience

an attempted or completed
sexual assault in their lifetime.

There are survivors
in this audience tonight,

and it is likely you already know someone

directly or indirectly affected by this.

I once gave a presentation

to a group of young women
between the age of 16 and 22.

We talked about consent, and we went
through the four key components:

it has to be active,
it has to be coherent,

it has to be willing,
and it has to be ongoing.

And afterwards, one of those young ladies
raises her hand and she says,

"Bianca, all of that sounds really great,
but it's not going to happen."

I looked at her and I said,
"What do you mean?"

And she replied, "Well, I have never
been taught to ask for consent.

And I have never been taught
to expect consent.

It is just not going to happen for me."

And for a brief moment, I felt defeated.

Not by her, but by the layers
and layers of generational violence

that had consumed and affected
this particular group of young women.

And the lack of education around consent
that was denied and never given to them.

We eat, we sleep,
we bathe, and we have sex.

Yes, we have sex.

So why not make consent feel
as natural as all the other things

we are doing in our daily lives?

Consent is not the absence of a no
but rather the presence of a yes.

Consent is not a courtesy,
it's a necessity.

And consent is the line
between sex and rape.

And it can never be assumed.

If someone takes you to dinner,
and a TED event,

all you owe them at the end
of the night is a thank you.

What's awesome--

(Applause)

Thank you.

What's awesome about consent is
it's a contemporary conversation.

Unlike our cellphones, consent is
never going to go out of style.

And it's for everyone.

Regardless of race, gender,

sexual orientation,
or socio-economic background.

It's an intergenerational conversation.

You can introduce consent
to a one year old or an 85 year old.

My Welsh grandmother,
she used to call a butt a "bumby".

I don't know about you all, but I think
we could use more bathtime songs

called "Can I wash your bumby?"

to teach kids about body autonomy

- good touch, bad touch -

and that they too have power
over those little bodies.

And let's be honest: we all know
plenty of adults and senior citizens

who could use a refresher in consent

and reminded how consent
should and should never be gained.

Consent should never be gained
through coercion

which is tricking, manipulating

or forcing someone
into a physical or sexual act.

In fact, marital rape exists.

It didn't become illegal to rape
your spouse until the early 1990s.

Often times, women and girls are told,

"If you like sex, you're easy,"
"You are promiscuous,"

or a whole laundry list
of offensive words.

They are taught,
"If you deny sex, you're a prude."

"And if you ask for sex, you are a slut."

It's a trap.

If we don't teach girls and women
to assert themselves, set boundaries,

or that it's perfectly normal and natural

to want sex to be safe,
and feel enjoyable, and be respected,

then we are contributing
to a rape culture,

which is a culture that constructs
and enforces these rigid gender rules,

and sees the persistence of rape
as "Just the way things are."

So join me in teaching men and boys
that women can deny sex

- and so can they -

and lessen the blaming and shaming

and this crazy notion
that somebody asks for it,

or deserves to be raped,

because of their behaviors
or lifestyle choices.

Consent revolutions can begin today

starting in our homes,
amongst our family and friends,

in our offices,
even in the communities we live in.

We are already living
in a culture of consent,

but we've got a lot of ground to cover,

we're up against
institutionalized oppression,

so we have to teach current and upcoming
generations about consent.

This fall, thousands of young people
are going to head off to colleges

and universities for the very first time.

They are going to worry
about getting to that first semester,

what their roommate
or living situation will be like.

If they packed enough ramen noodles.

But what they should never worry about
is being sexually assaulted.

One in four women
and one in 16 men will experience

an attempted or completed
sexual assault during college.

Parents: don't shy away

from having a conversation with them
about acquaintance and date rape

and emphasizing that no one
can gain consent if someone is drunk,

incapacitated, or under the influence
of drugs or alcohol.

Consent should never be seen
as awkward, or a mood killer.

If anything, it can enhance
that physical or sexual interaction.

The secret to good sex is consent.

Cosmopolitan magazine should feature

25 hot and sexy ways to ask for consent.

(Applause)

Thank you.

Instead of 25 ways to pleasure
your man for the hundredth time.

And Robin Thicke should change
his song "Blurred Lines" to "Clear Lines"

and sing about consent, not coercion.

(Applause)

Sex books, tips, and toys,
those are great,

but consent is the foundation,

it's the catalyst to happy
and healthy sexual lifestyles.

When you are asking for consent,

you are not just ensuring
that you're not violating this person,

you are saying,

"Hey, tonight, I want to make you feel

like Meg Ryan in 'Harry Met Sally'

in that iconic restaurant scene
when she is acting out that orgasm."

And if you don't want to set the bar
that high - because I understand -

you can just say, "Hey, tonight,

I want the both of us to feel respected,

comfortable, safe, and have some fun."

(Applause)