365 grateful project | Hailey Bartholomew | TEDxQUT

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.
Hailey Bartholomew found the secret to happiness. After struggling to enjoy and appreciate all of the great things in her life she set our on a year long photography project to find gratitude everyday. In this funny and moving talk see what lessons we can all learn from her experience.

Yes, and in 2008, I discovered
the secret to happiness.

That's why I'm here.

But before I discovered it,
I was actually depressed.

I felt incredibly...

like life was a treadmill.

Blah about life.

Like there was no point
that we were going to get married,

have a couple of kids, buy a house,
and you know, grow old and then die.

It sounds a bit dramatic
because I am, but that is how I felt.

And I was struggling
to enjoy my life in any way.

I had two healthy kids, a lovely partner,

but it just did not feel
anything for my life.

It was concerning me,

because I wasn't being a great mum
or a great partner,

and I wanted to be those things;
so, I went and I found a nun.

I'd heard about this lady
who was helping people

with some counseling and kind
of spiritual directions, sort of stuff.

I'm not catholic, but I wanted
a whole new perspective.

And she suddenly gave me that.

I sat down with her and I was suggesting
why I might be so unhappy.

And she listened patiently
and then she said to me:

"You know, I think the secret to happiness
is reflection and gratitude."

And at that time, I was like:
"It's a bit underwhelming."

What does that mean in my life?

And yes I'm very grateful
for my healthy kids.

I know in my head
that these are good things that I have,

and I should be grateful.

But, what about this feeling?
I don't feel anything for it.

And so, she helped me, and she said:

"Hailey, I want you to do
a 10-day project,

just take 10 minutes everyday,
reflect through the day,

really think through your conversations.

You had breakfast,
what did you do after that?

and then see if there is anything there

that pops out to you
that you are grateful for.

Not what you should, but what you feel."

And so I took her advice and I did it.

And it sparked something
amazing within me

because I started to see things
I wouldn't otherwise have seen.

And they weren't the things you think.

And that 10-day project was amazing,
but I knew I needed more of that.

I needed a lot more of that.

So, being a photographer, I decided
I was going to do a photo a day

for a whole year of something
I was grateful for every single day.

And I bought enough Polaroid film
to do a year-long project.

And, this is kind of what
it started to look like.

Not that. Let's go back one. Yeah.

It was things like the color green.

There are billion different shades
of green there.

I was suddenly one day
just struck by it.

It was my youngest daughter
helping me down a step.

She is like 3, and she was like,
"I'll help you down." It's just adorable.

And, things like money on the meter
when you have no money in your wallet.

That is amazing! It is such a gift.

And I started to see things
like rainy days,

meant that I got to use
my favorite umbrellas.

And, pancakes on a Sunday morning.

They were so good, I didn't get
to photograph them. Sorry.

But they are there.

And, beautiful friends getting married.

Little and beautiful, special
little moments through every single day

that made me delighted in my day.

Actually, through the project
I learnt quite a lot of things

- sorry I keep doing it twice -

and probably the biggest thing
I learned was

how my expectations on other people

prevented me from
really appreciating who they were.

Namely my husband who is here,
and I'm going to say it:

he's not very romantic.

This is what I thought anyway.

I just didn't think he was very...
didn't take me on dates,

didn't buy a lot of flowers,

and do all the things that in my head
a husband should do.

And this one day I hadn't taken
my grateful photo for the day,

and I was scanning my life, basically:
"what was I grateful for today?"

And I was looking around the room,
and then I saw my husband serving dinner.

And in the corner of my eye,

I watched as he put
the biggest piece of pie on my plate.

The best piece of pie on my plate.

And, I was like whoa!

I wouldn't have seen it
if I hadn't been looking.

And he was doing that every day actually.

He was putting me fully first.

But I was not seeing it
because I was not looking.

And it completely changed my view
of how I see people, particularly him.

And through the project

he just continued to do beautiful things
not even thinking about it.

Everyday he would drive somewhere,
he would always hold my hand as we drove.

He would sing our daughters
to sleep with a ukulele.

And if I rang complaining one day,
when he was at work:

"Our house is too hot,
we have no air-conditioning,"

he would arrive with ice-cream.

And it really made me
reevaluate our relationship

and what my expectations were,
and opened my eyes to who he was.

Actually, at the end of the project
someone interviewed us.

And they ask Andrew:

"What did you notice that was different
within your relationship with Hailey?

And he said: "I feel like
I am enough for her now."

And that hit me hard, I've been married
to him for 8 years at that point,

and I was so sad that it had taken me
eight years to see him.

To see all the beautiful things
he was doing for me every single day.

But I'm glad that I got there in the end,
and I'm grateful for this project.

The other thing I noticed was nature.
It was so unexpected.

But nature just spoke to me, so much.

The color red that would shine
just so differently if the sun was on it;

When my daughter would put beautiful
little flowers in my handbag;

or mint, the smell of mint
is amazing. It's beautiful.

All the way weeds would dance
when you drove pass your car.

The wind would blow them.

Or dandelions; I like dandelions
all over my backyard.

I think they are beautiful.

And all this little things started
to make me feel so like I was blessed.

I'm so lucky to be here,
to see those little gifts.

A beetle flew onto my daughter shirt
one day in a car park.

You could see she's absolutely
thrilled about that.

But I was amazed, she had this beetle.
It was like a piece of jewelry.

It was amazing, and it stayed there
long enough for me to take a photo,

and she's like, "Get it off, get it off!"
And I'm like, "Stay still."

Anyway, other thing I learnt
was about parenting.

I had really felt like this was
the most boring job I have ever had.

And it was long,
and there were lots of food,

and lots of nappies, and things
that were boring like dishes,

and people would always say:
"What have you been up today?"

And I was like, "Don't ask me."

But this project showed me

what a delight and an honor it was
to be in their company.

To be with them, as they, you know,
offered to take my hand.

We were singing so loudly
in the car as we drove

pretending to be candy cans.

(Laughter)

Loosing their two front teeth.

It is my privilege that I got
that time with them.

And I started to see that right
when I was with them.

I'm so grateful that I,
while they were still little,

that I saw what a gift it was.

One of the amazing things
about this project

is that it spread like wild fire.

I had a magazine article,
and it was online.

and few people started to write

and tell me their own stories
with their grateful projects.

It's been a complete honor to have that.

This particular person is Amy Guill.
She and I become good friends.

But, she wrote to me an email one day,

not long after she had given
birth to twin daughters.

And one of them, 24 days later
died of a heart complication.

I would like to read to you
a piece of her letter to me.

And Amy knows that I'm reading this.

"The next few days were hard.

I had to pick myself up and keep going

as I had Anabella, 3 years old,
and Penny who needed me.

And I was so lost.

It was funny though
because, for some reasons,

your article kept coming back to me.

I dug out the magazine,
and I looked at it again.

I checked out your website.

I decided that this was
how I was going to cope,

Instead of looking at what I've lost,
I was going to focus on what I gained.

And be truly grateful for having Rosie
in our lives even for such a short time.

In her 24 days, she had taught me
more than I learned in a lifetime.

I was grateful for the chance
to hold her, to feed her, to bath her,

and tell her that I loved her.

No longer would I take
the small things for granted in my life.

Life is too short,

and I've decided that each day
I will count my blessings

and so, my grateful project
"Count your blessings" begin.

And now, I've taken 73 blessing photos,
and I'm truly grateful for them.

The project has gotten me
through such a hard time.

Yes, I still have my moments of sadness,
but I've so many moments of joy.

I've chosen to be happy.

And this week I've been looking
back at my album

and reflecting on where I've come from.

And I want to thank you, Hailey,
for being an inspiration.

For you, I am truly grateful. Amy."

And I can not tell you what a honor it is
to be part of someone's story in that way.

Amy really, really reminded me
that even in the hard things in life,

we can choose to be grateful,

that we can find the most amazing
treasure in the most awful things.

You really do find
what you are looking for.

And in my life, when I have had
hard times and things going wrong,

I really found that gratefulness
has helped me to learn

the most I can possibly learn

and appreciate
everything that's happening,

and to find the gold in the mud.

When I looked back
on my project and actually my life,

I see delight, I see beauty,

I see a life I'm incredibly rich
and grateful for.

It isn't in that I own a house,

it is not happiness outside of me,

it is within me.

And I learned that is
where my happiness is,

it's in here.

And through this project
I've surprisingly been able

to help other people find out that, too,
and that's been an absolute honor.

Thank you very much for having me.

(Applause)