A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender
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0:01 - 0:06The first time I uttered a prayer
was in a glass-stained cathedral. -
0:06 - 0:10I was kneeling long after
the congregation was on its feet, -
0:10 - 0:12dip both hands into holy water,
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0:12 - 0:14trace the trinity across my chest,
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0:14 - 0:16my tiny body drooping
like a question mark -
0:16 - 0:19all over the wooden pew.
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0:19 - 0:21I asked Jesus to fix me,
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0:21 - 0:23and when he did not answer
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0:23 - 0:26I befriended silence in the hopes
that my sin would burn -
0:26 - 0:28and salve my mouth
-
0:28 - 0:29would dissolve like sugar on tongue,
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0:29 - 0:31but shame lingered as an aftertaste.
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0:31 - 0:35And in an attempt
to reintroduce me to sanctity, -
0:35 - 0:38my mother told me of the miracle I was,
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0:38 - 0:41said I could grow up
to be anything I want. -
0:41 - 0:43I decided to
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0:43 - 0:44be a boy.
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0:44 - 0:45It was cute.
-
0:45 - 0:47I had snapback, toothless grin,
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0:47 - 0:49used skinned knees as street cred,
-
0:49 - 0:51played hide and seek with
what was left of my goal. -
0:51 - 0:52I was it.
-
0:52 - 0:55The winner to a game
the other kids couldn't play, -
0:55 - 0:57I was the mystery of an anatomy,
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0:57 - 0:59a question asked but not answered,
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0:59 - 1:03tightroping between awkward boy
and apologetic girl, -
1:03 - 1:08and when I turned 12, the boy phase
wasn't deemed cute anymore. -
1:08 - 1:13It was met with nostalgic aunts who missed
seeing my knees in the shadow of skirts, -
1:13 - 1:18who reminded me that my kind of attitude
would never bring a husband home, -
1:18 - 1:21that I exist for heterosexual marriage
and child-bearing. -
1:21 - 1:25And I swallowed their insults
along with their slurs. -
1:25 - 1:28Naturally, I did not
come out of the closet. -
1:28 - 1:30The kids at my school opened it
without my permission. -
1:30 - 1:33Called me by a name I did not recognize,
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1:33 - 1:34said "lesbian,"
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1:34 - 1:37but I was more boy than girl,
more Ken than Barbie. -
1:37 - 1:39It had nothing to do with hating my body,
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1:39 - 1:41I just love it enough to let it go,
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1:41 - 1:42I treat it like a house,
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1:42 - 1:44and when your house is falling apart,
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1:44 - 1:45you do not evacuate,
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1:45 - 1:49you make it comfortable enough
to house all your insides, -
1:49 - 1:51you make it pretty enough
to invite guests over, -
1:51 - 1:55you make the floorboards
strong enough to stand on. -
1:56 - 2:01My mother fears I have named
myself after fading things. -
2:01 - 2:04As she counts the echoes
left behind by Mya Hall, -
2:04 - 2:06Leelah Alcorn, Blake Brockington.
-
2:06 - 2:09She fears that I'll die without a whisper,
-
2:09 - 2:12that I'll turn into "what a shame"
conversations at the bus stop. -
2:12 - 2:14She claims I have turned myself
into a mausoleum, -
2:14 - 2:16that I am a walking casket,
-
2:16 - 2:19news headlines have turned
my identity into a spectacle, -
2:19 - 2:23Bruce Jenner on everyone's lips
while the brutality of living in this body -
2:23 - 2:27becomes an asterisk
at the bottom of equality pages. -
2:27 - 2:30No one ever thinks of us as human
-
2:30 - 2:32because we are more ghost than flesh,
-
2:32 - 2:34because people fear that
my gender expression is a trick, -
2:34 - 2:36that it exists to be perverse,
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2:36 - 2:38that it ensnares them
without their consent, -
2:38 - 2:41that my body is a feast
for their eyes and hands -
2:41 - 2:43and once they have fed off my queer,
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2:43 - 2:46they'll regurgitate all the parts
they did not like. -
2:46 - 2:51They'll put me back into the closet,
hang me with all the other skeletons. -
2:51 - 2:53I will be the best attraction.
-
2:53 - 2:56Can you see how easy it is
to talk people into coffins, -
2:56 - 2:59to misspell their names on gravestones.
-
2:59 - 3:01And people still wonder why
there are boys rotting, -
3:01 - 3:04they go away
in high school hallways -
3:04 - 3:07they are afraid of becoming another
hashtag in a second -
3:07 - 3:10afraid of classroom discussions
becoming like judgment day -
3:10 - 3:16and now oncoming traffic is embracing
more transgender children than parents. -
3:17 - 3:19I wonder how long it will be
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3:19 - 3:22before the trans suicide notes
start to feel redundant, -
3:22 - 3:26before we realize that our bodies
become lessons about sin -
3:26 - 3:28way before we learn how to love them.
-
3:28 - 3:32Like God didn't save
all this breath and mercy, -
3:32 - 3:36like my blood is not the wine
that washed over Jesus' feet. -
3:36 - 3:40My prayers are now
getting stuck in my throat. -
3:40 - 3:43Maybe I am finally fixed,
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3:43 - 3:45maybe I just don't care,
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3:45 - 3:50maybe God finally listened to my prayers.
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3:50 - 3:52Thank you.
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3:52 - 3:54(Applause)
- Title:
- A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender
- Speaker:
- Lee Mokobe
- Description:
-
"I was the mystery of an anatomy, a question asked but not answered," says poet Lee Mokobe, a TED Fellow, in this gripping and poetic exploration of identity and transition. It's a thoughtful reflection on bodies, and the meanings poured into them.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 04:21
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Morton Bast approved English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Cynthia Betubiza accepted English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender | ||
Cynthia Betubiza edited English subtitles for A powerful poem about what it feels like to be transgender |