We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up
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0:01 - 0:02I'm going to talk to you tonight
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0:02 - 0:04about coming out of the closet,
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0:04 - 0:05and not in the traditional sense,
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0:05 - 0:08not just the gay closet.
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0:08 - 0:10I think we all have closets.
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0:10 - 0:12Your closet may be telling someone
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0:12 - 0:14you love her for the first time,
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0:14 - 0:16or telling someone that you're pregnant,
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0:16 - 0:18or telling someone you have cancer,
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0:18 - 0:20or any of the other hard conversations
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0:20 - 0:23we have throughout our lives.
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0:23 - 0:26All a closet is is a hard conversation,
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0:26 - 0:29and although our topics may vary tremendously,
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0:29 - 0:31the experience of being in
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0:31 - 0:34and coming out of the closet is universal.
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0:34 - 0:40It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
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0:40 - 0:41Several years ago,
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0:41 - 0:45I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe,
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0:45 - 0:47a local diner in town,
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0:47 - 0:50and during my time there I would go through phases
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0:50 - 0:54of militant lesbian intensity:
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0:54 - 0:55not shaving my armpits,
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0:55 - 0:59quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.
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0:59 - 1:01And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts
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1:01 - 1:04and how recently I had shaved my head,
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1:04 - 1:05the question would often be sprung on me,
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1:05 - 1:07usually by a little kid:
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1:07 - 1:13"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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1:13 - 1:15And there would be an awkward silence at the table.
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1:15 - 1:18I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
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1:18 - 1:21hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.
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1:21 - 1:24The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper
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1:24 - 1:26and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.
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1:26 - 1:28But I would say nothing,
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1:28 - 1:30and I would seethe inside.
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1:30 - 1:32And it got to the point where every time I walked up
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1:32 - 1:36to a table that had a kid anywhere between
three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight. -
1:36 - 1:37(Laughter)
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1:37 - 1:39And that is a terrible feeling.
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1:39 - 1:43So I promised myself, the next
time, I would say something. -
1:43 - 1:45I would have that hard conversation.
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1:45 - 1:48So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
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1:48 - 1:51"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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1:51 - 1:54Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready,
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1:54 - 1:58and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101
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1:58 - 2:00on this table. (Laughter)
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2:00 - 2:03I've got my Betty Friedan quotes.
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2:03 - 2:05I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes.
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2:05 - 2:08I've even got this little bit from
"Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do. -
2:08 - 2:11So I take a deep breath and I look down
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2:11 - 2:16and staring back at me is a
four-year-old girl in a pink dress, -
2:16 - 2:18not a challenge to a feminist duel,
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2:18 - 2:20just a kid with a question:
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2:20 - 2:23"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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2:23 - 2:24So I take another deep breath,
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2:24 - 2:26squat down to next to her, and say,
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2:26 - 2:28"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing.
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2:28 - 2:30My hair is short like a boy's,
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2:30 - 2:32and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl,
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2:32 - 2:34and you know how sometimes
you like to wear a pink dress, -
2:34 - 2:36and sometimes you like to
wear your comfy jammies? -
2:36 - 2:40Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
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2:40 - 2:42And this kid looks me dead in the eye,
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2:42 - 2:44without missing a beat, and says,
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2:44 - 2:46"My favorite pajamas are purple with fish.
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2:46 - 2:48Can I get a pancake, please?"
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2:48 - 2:50(Laughter)
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2:50 - 2:54And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl.
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2:54 - 2:56How about that pancake?"
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2:56 - 2:58It was the easiest hard conversation
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2:58 - 3:01I have ever had.
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3:01 - 3:04And why? Because Pancake Girl and I,
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3:04 - 3:07we were both real with each other.
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3:07 - 3:09So like many of us,
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3:09 - 3:11I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah,
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3:11 - 3:14most often, my walls happened to be rainbow.
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3:14 - 3:16But inside, in the dark,
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3:16 - 3:18you can't tell what color the walls are.
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3:18 - 3:21You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.
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3:21 - 3:25So really, my closet is no different than yours
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3:25 - 3:28or yours or yours.
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3:28 - 3:30Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons
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3:30 - 3:32why coming out of my closet was
harder than coming out of yours, -
3:32 - 3:34but here's the thing: Hard is not relative.
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3:34 - 3:36Hard is hard.
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3:36 - 3:40Who can tell me that explaining to
someone you've just declared bankruptcy -
3:40 - 3:42is harder than telling someone
you just cheated on them? -
3:42 - 3:45Who can tell me that his coming out story
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3:45 - 3:48is harder than telling your five-year-old
you're getting a divorce? -
3:48 - 3:51There is no harder, there is just hard.
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3:51 - 3:55We need to stop ranking our hard
against everyone else's hard -
3:55 - 3:57to make us feel better or worse about our closets
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3:57 - 4:01and just commiserate on the
fact that we all have hard. -
4:01 - 4:05At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,
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4:05 - 4:07and they may feel safe,
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4:07 - 4:09or at least safer than what lies
on the other side of that door. -
4:09 - 4:11But I am here to tell you,
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4:11 - 4:13no matter what your walls are made of,
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4:13 - 4:18a closet is no place for a person to live.
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4:18 - 4:20Thanks. (Applause)
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4:20 - 4:24So imagine yourself 20 years ago.
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4:24 - 4:29Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress,
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4:29 - 4:31and high-heeled shoes.
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4:31 - 4:33I was not the militant lesbian
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4:33 - 4:37ready to fight any four-year-old
that walked into the cafe. -
4:37 - 4:41I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner
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4:41 - 4:43of my pitch-black closet
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4:43 - 4:45clutching my gay grenade,
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4:45 - 4:49and moving one muscle is the scariest thing
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4:49 - 4:51I have ever done.
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4:51 - 4:53My family, my friends, complete strangers --
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4:53 - 4:55I had spent my entire life
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4:55 - 4:56trying to not disappoint these people,
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4:56 - 5:00and now I was turning the world upside down
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5:00 - 5:02on purpose.
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5:02 - 5:04I was burning the pages of the script
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5:04 - 5:06we had all followed for so long,
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5:06 - 5:10but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
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5:10 - 5:11One of my most memorable grenade tosses
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5:11 - 5:14was at my sister's wedding.
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5:14 - 5:16(Laughter)
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5:16 - 5:18It was the first time that many in attendance
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5:18 - 5:21knew I was gay, so in doing
my maid of honor duties, -
5:21 - 5:24in my black dress and heels,
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5:24 - 5:25I walked around to tables
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5:25 - 5:28and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends,
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5:28 - 5:31folks that had known me for years.
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5:31 - 5:34And after a little small talk,
one of the women shouted out, -
5:34 - 5:36"I love Nathan Lane!"
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5:36 - 5:39And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
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5:39 - 5:41"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
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5:41 - 5:44"Well, yeah, actually, we have
friends in San Francisco." -
5:44 - 5:46"Well, we've never been there
but we've heard it's fabulous." -
5:46 - 5:48"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?
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5:48 - 5:51He's really good and he has
never talked about a girlfriend." -
5:51 - 5:53"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
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5:53 - 5:55Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace.
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5:55 - 5:57And you know who we love? Jack.
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5:57 - 5:59Jack is our favorite."
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5:59 - 6:01And then one woman, stumped
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6:01 - 6:04but wanting so desperately to show her support,
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6:04 - 6:06to let me know she was on my side,
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6:06 - 6:08she finally blurted out,
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6:08 - 6:11"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."
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6:11 - 6:14(Laughter)
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6:14 - 6:16And I had a choice in that moment,
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6:16 - 6:18as all grenade throwers do.
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6:18 - 6:21I could go back to my girlfriend
and my gay-loving table -
6:21 - 6:23and mock their responses,
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6:23 - 6:26chastise their unworldliness and their inability
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6:26 - 6:28to jump through the politically correct
gay hoops I had brought with me, -
6:28 - 6:31or I could empathize with them
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6:31 - 6:35and realize that that was maybe one of
the hardest things they had ever done, -
6:35 - 6:38that starting and having that conversation
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6:38 - 6:41was them coming out of their closets.
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6:41 - 6:44Sure, it would have been easy
to point out where they felt short. -
6:44 - 6:46It's a lot harder to meet them where they are
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6:46 - 6:49and acknowledge the fact that they were trying.
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6:49 - 6:54And what else can you ask someone to do but try?
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6:54 - 6:56If you're going to be real with someone,
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6:56 - 6:59you gotta be ready for real in return.
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6:59 - 7:03So hard conversations are still not my strong suit.
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7:03 - 7:05Ask anybody I have ever dated.
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7:05 - 7:08But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call
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7:08 - 7:09the three Pancake Girl principles.
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7:09 - 7:13Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses,
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7:13 - 7:16but know what it takes to come out of any closet
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7:16 - 7:18is essentially the same.
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7:18 - 7:21Number one: Be authentic.
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7:21 - 7:23Take the armor off. Be yourself.
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7:23 - 7:24That kid in the cafe had no armor,
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7:24 - 7:27but I was ready for battle.
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7:27 - 7:29If you want someone to be real with you,
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7:29 - 7:32they need to know that you bleed too.
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7:32 - 7:35Number two: Be direct. Just
say it. Rip the Band-Aid off. -
7:35 - 7:38If you know you are gay, just say it.
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7:38 - 7:40If you tell your parents you might be gay,
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7:40 - 7:42they will hold out hope that this will change.
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7:42 - 7:45Do not give them that sense of false hope.
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7:45 - 7:46(Laughter)
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7:46 - 7:51And number three, and most important --
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7:51 - 7:53(Laughter)
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7:53 - 7:57Be unapologetic.
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7:57 - 7:59You are speaking your truth.
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7:59 - 8:03Never apologize for that.
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8:03 - 8:06And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way,
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8:06 - 8:08so sure, apologize for what you've done,
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8:08 - 8:12but never apologize for who you are.
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8:12 - 8:15And yeah, some folks may be disappointed,
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8:15 - 8:17but that is on them, not on you.
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8:17 - 8:20Those are their expectations
of who you are, not yours. -
8:20 - 8:24That is their story, not yours.
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8:24 - 8:26The only story that matters
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8:26 - 8:29is the one that you want to write.
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8:29 - 8:30So the next time you find yourself
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8:30 - 8:33in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade,
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8:33 - 8:36know we have all been there before.
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8:36 - 8:39And you may feel so very alone, but you are not.
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8:39 - 8:43And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
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8:43 - 8:46no matter what your walls are made of,
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8:46 - 8:48because I guarantee you there are others
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8:48 - 8:50peering through the keyholes of their closets
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8:50 - 8:54looking for the next brave soul to
bust a door open, so be that person -
8:54 - 8:57and show the world that we
are bigger than our closets -
8:57 - 9:00and that a closet is no place for a person
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9:00 - 9:02to truly live.
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9:02 - 9:05Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
- Title:
- We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up
- Speaker:
- Ash Beckham
- Description:
-
In this touching talk, Ash Beckham offers a fresh approach to empathy and openness. It starts with understanding that everyone, at some point in their life, has experienced hardship. The only way out, says Beckham, is to open the door and step out of your closet.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 09:22
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