WEBVTT 00:00:01.394 --> 00:00:04.442 So, why does good sex so often fade, 00:00:04.442 --> 00:00:09.387 even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? 00:00:09.387 --> 00:00:12.530 And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, 00:00:12.530 --> 00:00:15.161 contrary to popular belief? 00:00:15.161 --> 00:00:17.355 Or, the next question would be, 00:00:17.355 --> 00:00:19.928 can we want what we already have? 00:00:19.928 --> 00:00:22.641 That's the million-dollar question, right? 00:00:22.641 --> 00:00:24.354 And why is the forbidden so erotic? 00:00:24.354 --> 00:00:28.615 What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent? 00:00:28.615 --> 00:00:30.102 And why does sex make babies, 00:00:30.102 --> 00:00:34.215 and babies spell erotic disaster in couples? 00:00:34.215 --> 00:00:36.902 It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it? 00:00:36.902 --> 00:00:39.351 And when you love, how does it feel? 00:00:39.351 --> 00:00:42.504 And when you desire, how is it different? NOTE Paragraph 00:00:42.504 --> 00:00:44.172 These are some of the questions 00:00:44.172 --> 00:00:46.760 that are at the center of my exploration 00:00:46.760 --> 00:00:49.512 on the nature of erotic desire 00:00:49.512 --> 00:00:53.510 and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love. 00:00:53.510 --> 00:00:55.312 So I travel the globe, 00:00:55.312 --> 00:00:57.506 and what I'm noticing is that 00:00:57.506 --> 00:01:00.467 everywhere where romanticism has entered, 00:01:00.467 --> 00:01:03.379 there seems to be a crisis of desire. 00:01:03.379 --> 00:01:08.160 A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting -- 00:01:08.160 --> 00:01:11.170 desire as an expression of our individuality, 00:01:11.170 --> 00:01:14.871 of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity -- 00:01:14.871 --> 00:01:18.150 desire that has become a central concept 00:01:18.150 --> 00:01:21.709 as part of modern love and individualistic societies. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:21.709 --> 00:01:24.950 You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind 00:01:24.950 --> 00:01:30.733 where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term, 00:01:30.733 --> 00:01:34.766 not because we want 14 children, 00:01:34.766 --> 00:01:38.962 for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it, 00:01:38.962 --> 00:01:43.131 and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty. 00:01:43.131 --> 00:01:47.650 This is the first time that we want sex over time 00:01:47.650 --> 00:01:52.430 about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:52.430 --> 00:01:55.842 So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult? 00:01:55.842 --> 00:02:01.087 And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, 00:02:01.087 --> 00:02:06.694 I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. 00:02:06.694 --> 00:02:11.856 On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, 00:02:11.856 --> 00:02:19.248 for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence -- 00:02:19.248 --> 00:02:22.366 all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives 00:02:22.366 --> 00:02:24.025 that we call home. 00:02:24.025 --> 00:02:28.468 But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- 00:02:28.468 --> 00:02:34.052 for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, 00:02:34.052 --> 00:02:37.342 for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- 00:02:37.342 --> 00:02:41.248 you get the gist -- for journey, for travel. 00:02:41.248 --> 00:02:43.406 So reconciling our need for security 00:02:43.406 --> 00:02:46.371 and our need for adventure into one relationship, 00:02:46.371 --> 00:02:49.254 or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, 00:02:49.254 --> 00:02:51.828 used to be a contradiction in terms. 00:02:51.828 --> 00:02:54.596 Marriage was an economic institution 00:02:54.596 --> 00:02:58.312 in which you were given a partnership for life 00:02:58.312 --> 00:03:01.056 in terms of children and social status 00:03:01.056 --> 00:03:03.458 and succession and companionship. 00:03:03.458 --> 00:03:07.892 But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, 00:03:07.892 --> 00:03:10.344 but in addition I want you to be my best friend 00:03:10.344 --> 00:03:13.578 and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, 00:03:13.578 --> 00:03:14.982 and we live twice as long. 00:03:14.982 --> 00:03:17.640 (Laughter) 00:03:17.640 --> 00:03:21.898 So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them 00:03:21.898 --> 00:03:25.225 to give us what once an entire village used to provide: 00:03:25.225 --> 00:03:29.373 Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, 00:03:29.373 --> 00:03:33.272 but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. 00:03:33.272 --> 00:03:35.163 Give me comfort, give me edge. 00:03:35.163 --> 00:03:37.085 Give me novelty, give me familiarity. 00:03:37.085 --> 00:03:39.150 Give me predictability, give me surprise. 00:03:39.150 --> 00:03:43.373 And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. 00:03:43.373 --> 00:03:48.733 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:48.733 --> 00:03:52.972 So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right? 00:03:52.972 --> 00:03:58.740 Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that -- 00:03:58.740 --> 00:04:02.314 but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:02.314 --> 00:04:05.937 So why does good sex so often fade? 00:04:05.937 --> 00:04:08.485 What is the relationship between love and desire? 00:04:08.485 --> 00:04:11.609 How do they relate, and how do they conflict? 00:04:11.609 --> 00:04:14.757 Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:14.757 --> 00:04:19.007 So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have." 00:04:19.007 --> 00:04:23.191 And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want." 00:04:23.191 --> 00:04:27.050 In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. 00:04:27.050 --> 00:04:31.553 We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. 00:04:31.553 --> 00:04:35.597 We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. 00:04:35.597 --> 00:04:41.006 But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone. 00:04:41.006 --> 00:04:44.483 Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. 00:04:44.483 --> 00:04:49.467 In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, 00:04:49.467 --> 00:04:51.845 that we can go spend some time with, 00:04:51.845 --> 00:04:55.948 that we can go see what goes on in their red light district. 00:04:55.948 --> 00:04:59.293 In desire, we want a bridge to cross. 00:04:59.293 --> 00:05:02.668 Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. 00:05:02.668 --> 00:05:04.923 Desire needs space. 00:05:04.923 --> 00:05:08.467 And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:08.467 --> 00:05:10.068 But then I took a question with me. 00:05:10.068 --> 00:05:12.543 And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years 00:05:12.543 --> 00:05:15.475 with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people, 00:05:15.475 --> 00:05:18.780 when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? 00:05:18.780 --> 00:05:21.934 Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn. 00:05:21.934 --> 00:05:25.348 And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- 00:05:25.348 --> 00:05:30.734 except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:30.734 --> 00:05:35.272 So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner 00:05:35.272 --> 00:05:41.957 when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. 00:05:41.957 --> 00:05:45.517 Basically, when I get back in touch 00:05:45.517 --> 00:05:49.228 with my ability to imagine myself with my partner, 00:05:49.228 --> 00:05:52.093 when my imagination comes back in the picture, 00:05:52.093 --> 00:05:57.040 and when I can root it in absence and in longing, 00:05:57.040 --> 00:05:59.735 which is a major component of desire. 00:05:59.735 --> 00:06:02.765 But then the second group is even more interesting: 00:06:02.765 --> 00:06:04.607 I am most drawn to my partner 00:06:04.607 --> 00:06:08.589 when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage, 00:06:08.589 --> 00:06:12.891 when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about, 00:06:12.891 --> 00:06:16.283 when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him, 00:06:16.283 --> 00:06:18.571 when I see her hold court. 00:06:18.571 --> 00:06:23.019 Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident, 00:06:23.019 --> 00:06:26.113 probably the biggest turn-on across the board. 00:06:26.113 --> 00:06:28.953 Radiant, as in self-sustaining. 00:06:28.953 --> 00:06:31.865 I look at this person -- by the way, in desire 00:06:31.865 --> 00:06:34.495 people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one, 00:06:34.495 --> 00:06:37.985 five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is. 00:06:37.985 --> 00:06:41.241 But it's also not when the other person is that far apart 00:06:41.241 --> 00:06:42.633 that you no longer see them. 00:06:42.633 --> 00:06:47.025 It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, 00:06:47.025 --> 00:06:51.374 where this person that is already so familiar, so known, 00:06:51.374 --> 00:06:56.213 is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. 00:06:56.213 --> 00:07:01.068 And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan, 00:07:01.068 --> 00:07:03.661 lies that movement toward the other. 00:07:03.661 --> 00:07:05.824 Because sometimes, as Proust says, 00:07:05.824 --> 00:07:08.499 mystery is not about traveling to new places, 00:07:08.499 --> 00:07:10.678 but it's about looking with new eyes. 00:07:10.678 --> 00:07:14.207 And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own, 00:07:14.207 --> 00:07:16.916 doing something in which they are enveloped, 00:07:16.916 --> 00:07:21.779 I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception, 00:07:21.779 --> 00:07:27.051 and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:27.051 --> 00:07:31.523 And then, more importantly, in this description about the other 00:07:31.523 --> 00:07:35.167 or myself -- it's the same -- what is most interesting 00:07:35.167 --> 00:07:37.726 is that there is no neediness in desire. 00:07:37.726 --> 00:07:40.054 Nobody needs anybody. 00:07:40.054 --> 00:07:42.295 There is no caretaking in desire. 00:07:42.295 --> 00:07:47.516 Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac. 00:07:47.516 --> 00:07:49.810 I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on 00:07:49.810 --> 00:07:51.512 by somebody who needs them. 00:07:51.512 --> 00:07:55.005 Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown, 00:07:55.005 --> 00:07:56.548 and women have known that forever, 00:07:56.548 --> 00:07:59.513 because anything that will bring up parenthood 00:07:59.513 --> 00:08:02.769 will usually decrease the erotic charge. 00:08:02.769 --> 00:08:04.853 For good reasons, right? NOTE Paragraph 00:08:04.853 --> 00:08:08.106 And then the third group of answers usually would be 00:08:08.106 --> 00:08:12.651 when I'm surprised, when we laugh together, 00:08:12.651 --> 00:08:14.811 as somebody said to me in the office today, 00:08:14.811 --> 00:08:16.619 when he's in his tux, so I said, you know, 00:08:16.619 --> 00:08:19.682 it's either the tux or the cowboy boots. 00:08:19.682 --> 00:08:23.373 But basically it's when there is novelty. 00:08:23.373 --> 00:08:27.651 But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques. 00:08:27.651 --> 00:08:31.186 Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? 00:08:31.186 --> 00:08:34.215 What parts of you are just being seen? 00:08:34.215 --> 00:08:36.154 Because in some way one could say 00:08:36.154 --> 00:08:38.157 sex isn't something you do, eh? 00:08:38.157 --> 00:08:41.391 Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter 00:08:41.391 --> 00:08:44.696 inside yourself and with another, or others. 00:08:44.696 --> 00:08:47.191 So where do you go in sex? 00:08:47.191 --> 00:08:49.528 What parts of you do you connect to? 00:08:49.528 --> 00:08:51.536 What do you seek to express there? 00:08:51.536 --> 00:08:54.999 Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union? 00:08:54.999 --> 00:08:59.327 Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive? 00:08:59.327 --> 00:09:01.671 Is it a place where you can finally surrender 00:09:01.671 --> 00:09:04.671 and not have to take responsibility for everything? 00:09:04.671 --> 00:09:07.679 Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes? 00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:10.095 What comes out there? It's a language. 00:09:10.095 --> 00:09:12.439 It isn't just a behavior. 00:09:12.439 --> 00:09:15.231 And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in, 00:09:15.231 --> 00:09:19.280 which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:19.280 --> 00:09:21.375 You know, animals have sex. 00:09:21.375 --> 00:09:24.806 It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct. 00:09:24.806 --> 00:09:28.086 We are the only ones who have an erotic life, 00:09:28.086 --> 00:09:34.004 which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination. 00:09:34.004 --> 00:09:37.766 We are the only ones who can make love for hours, 00:09:37.766 --> 00:09:40.638 have a blissful time, multiple orgasms, 00:09:40.638 --> 00:09:44.543 and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it. 00:09:44.543 --> 00:09:47.453 We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it. 00:09:47.453 --> 00:09:50.885 We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation, 00:09:50.885 --> 00:09:53.332 which is a mortar to desire, 00:09:53.332 --> 00:09:56.604 the ability to imagine it, as if it's happening, 00:09:56.604 --> 00:10:00.884 to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening 00:10:00.884 --> 00:10:03.569 and everything is happening at the same time. 00:10:03.569 --> 00:10:06.099 So when I began to think about eroticism, 00:10:06.099 --> 00:10:09.237 I began to think about the poetics of sex, 00:10:09.237 --> 00:10:11.780 and if I look at it as an intelligence, 00:10:11.780 --> 00:10:14.083 then it's something that you cultivate. 00:10:14.083 --> 00:10:18.220 What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness, 00:10:18.220 --> 00:10:21.524 novelty, curiosity, mystery. 00:10:21.524 --> 00:10:26.483 But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:26.483 --> 00:10:29.564 But more importantly, for me to begin to understand 00:10:29.564 --> 00:10:32.322 who are the couples who have an erotic spark, 00:10:32.322 --> 00:10:34.889 what sustains desire, I had to go back 00:10:34.889 --> 00:10:37.562 to the original definition of eroticism, 00:10:37.562 --> 00:10:40.213 the mystical definition, and I went through it 00:10:40.213 --> 00:10:43.652 through a bifurcation by looking actually at trauma, 00:10:43.652 --> 00:10:46.310 which is the other side, and I looked at it 00:10:46.310 --> 00:10:48.916 looking at the community that I had grown up in, 00:10:48.916 --> 00:10:52.528 which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors, 00:10:52.528 --> 00:10:55.490 and in my community there were two groups: 00:10:55.490 --> 00:10:59.304 those who didn't die, and those who came back to life. 00:10:59.304 --> 00:11:02.626 And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground, 00:11:02.626 --> 00:11:06.216 could not experience pleasure, could not trust, 00:11:06.216 --> 00:11:08.977 because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, 00:11:08.977 --> 00:11:11.606 and insecure, you can't lift your head 00:11:11.606 --> 00:11:17.070 to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative. 00:11:17.070 --> 00:11:19.552 Those who came back to life were those 00:11:19.552 --> 00:11:22.213 who understood the erotic as an antidote to death. 00:11:22.213 --> 00:11:25.883 They knew how to keep themselves alive. 00:11:25.883 --> 00:11:29.851 And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with, 00:11:29.851 --> 00:11:32.704 I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex," 00:11:32.704 --> 00:11:35.566 but generally people want better sex, 00:11:35.566 --> 00:11:38.820 and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness, 00:11:38.820 --> 00:11:42.949 of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of eros, of energy 00:11:42.949 --> 00:11:45.523 that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped 00:11:45.523 --> 00:11:47.417 it would afford them. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:47.417 --> 00:11:50.444 And so I began to ask a different question. 00:11:50.444 --> 00:11:55.291 "I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question. 00:11:55.291 --> 00:11:58.571 "I turn off my desires when ..." which is not the same question as, 00:11:58.571 --> 00:12:02.517 "What turns me of is ..." and "You turn me off when ..." 00:12:02.517 --> 00:12:05.740 And people began to say, "I turn myself off when 00:12:05.740 --> 00:12:08.629 I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body, 00:12:08.629 --> 00:12:11.853 when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself, 00:12:11.853 --> 00:12:14.477 when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you, 00:12:14.477 --> 00:12:16.038 when I don't perform well at work, 00:12:16.038 --> 00:12:19.233 when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth, 00:12:19.233 --> 00:12:22.461 when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take, 00:12:22.461 --> 00:12:24.901 to receive pleasure." NOTE Paragraph 00:12:24.901 --> 00:12:27.266 And then I began to ask the reverse question. 00:12:27.266 --> 00:12:30.037 "I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time, 00:12:30.037 --> 00:12:32.895 people like to ask the question, "You turn me on, 00:12:32.895 --> 00:12:36.472 what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know? 00:12:36.472 --> 00:12:40.782 Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's. 00:12:40.782 --> 00:12:43.582 It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk. 00:12:43.582 --> 00:12:45.075 (Laughter) 00:12:45.075 --> 00:12:47.477 So I turn myself on when, 00:12:47.477 --> 00:12:51.488 I turn my desires, I wake up when ... NOTE Paragraph 00:12:51.488 --> 00:12:56.106 Now, in this paradox between love and desire, 00:12:56.106 --> 00:12:59.987 what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients 00:12:59.987 --> 00:13:04.138 that nurture love -- mutuality, reciprocity, 00:13:04.138 --> 00:13:08.170 protection, worry, responsibility for the other -- 00:13:08.170 --> 00:13:12.293 are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire. 00:13:12.293 --> 00:13:16.522 Because desire comes with a host of feelings 00:13:16.522 --> 00:13:20.499 that are not always such favorites of love: 00:13:20.499 --> 00:13:24.628 jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, 00:13:24.628 --> 00:13:26.416 naughtiness, mischief. 00:13:26.416 --> 00:13:29.703 Basically most of us will get turned on at night 00:13:29.703 --> 00:13:33.605 by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day. 00:13:33.605 --> 00:13:37.018 You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct. 00:13:37.018 --> 00:13:39.673 If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses, 00:13:39.673 --> 00:13:43.110 we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this. 00:13:43.110 --> 00:13:45.923 But no, in our mind up there 00:13:45.923 --> 00:13:49.670 are a host of things going on that we don't always know 00:13:49.670 --> 00:13:51.757 how to bring to the person that we love, 00:13:51.757 --> 00:13:54.570 because we think love comes with selflessness 00:13:54.570 --> 00:13:58.282 and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness 00:13:58.282 --> 00:14:00.061 in the best sense of the word: 00:14:00.061 --> 00:14:03.094 the ability to stay connected to one's self 00:14:03.094 --> 00:14:04.985 in the presence of another. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:04.985 --> 00:14:07.637 So I want to draw that little image for you, 00:14:07.637 --> 00:14:11.346 because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs, 00:14:11.346 --> 00:14:12.889 we are born with that. 00:14:12.889 --> 00:14:15.786 Our need for connection, our need for separateness, 00:14:15.786 --> 00:14:17.995 or our need for security and adventure, 00:14:17.995 --> 00:14:20.691 or our need for togetherness and for autonomy, 00:14:20.691 --> 00:14:23.435 and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap 00:14:23.435 --> 00:14:27.927 and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable, 00:14:27.927 --> 00:14:31.844 and at some point all of us need to go out into the world 00:14:31.844 --> 00:14:34.336 to discover and to explore. 00:14:34.336 --> 00:14:35.853 That's the beginning of desire, 00:14:35.853 --> 00:14:40.348 that exploratory needs curiosity, discovery. 00:14:40.348 --> 00:14:44.240 And then at some point they turn around and they look at you, 00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:46.713 and if you tell them, 00:14:46.713 --> 00:14:49.065 "Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it. 00:14:49.065 --> 00:14:50.757 There's so much fun out there," 00:14:50.757 --> 00:14:53.433 then they can turn away and they can experience 00:14:53.433 --> 00:14:55.638 connection and separateness at the same time. 00:14:55.638 --> 00:14:58.887 They can go off in their imagination, off in their body, 00:14:58.887 --> 00:15:01.969 off in their playfulness, all the while knowing 00:15:01.969 --> 00:15:04.562 that there's somebody when they come back. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:04.562 --> 00:15:06.873 But if on this side there is somebody who says, 00:15:06.873 --> 00:15:10.700 "I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed. 00:15:10.700 --> 00:15:12.734 My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long. 00:15:12.734 --> 00:15:15.250 What's so good out there? Don't we have everything 00:15:15.250 --> 00:15:17.433 you need together, you and I?" 00:15:17.433 --> 00:15:19.546 then there are a few little reactions 00:15:19.546 --> 00:15:22.874 that all of us can pretty much recognize. 00:15:22.874 --> 00:15:27.666 Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago, 00:15:27.666 --> 00:15:29.874 and that little child who comes back 00:15:29.874 --> 00:15:32.707 is the child who will forgo a part of himself 00:15:32.707 --> 00:15:35.123 in order not to lose the other. 00:15:35.123 --> 00:15:39.048 I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection. 00:15:39.048 --> 00:15:41.730 And I will learn to love in a certain way 00:15:41.730 --> 00:15:45.930 that will become burdened with extra worry 00:15:45.930 --> 00:15:49.474 and extra responsibility and extra protection, 00:15:49.474 --> 00:15:51.938 and I won't know how to leave you 00:15:51.938 --> 00:15:55.482 in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure, 00:15:55.482 --> 00:15:58.722 in order to discover, to enter inside myself. 00:15:58.722 --> 00:16:01.606 Translate this into adult language. 00:16:01.606 --> 00:16:05.226 It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives 00:16:05.226 --> 00:16:06.741 up to the end. 00:16:06.741 --> 00:16:09.261 Child number two comes back 00:16:09.261 --> 00:16:12.066 but looks like that over their shoulder all the time. 00:16:12.066 --> 00:16:14.106 "Are you going to be there? 00:16:14.106 --> 00:16:15.985 Are you going to curse me? Are you going to scold me? 00:16:15.985 --> 00:16:17.983 Are you going to be angry with me?" 00:16:17.983 --> 00:16:21.602 And they may be gone, but they're never really away, 00:16:21.602 --> 00:16:23.689 and those are often the people that will tell you, 00:16:23.689 --> 00:16:26.018 in the beginning it was super hot. 00:16:26.018 --> 00:16:29.594 Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy 00:16:29.594 --> 00:16:31.492 wasn't yet so strong 00:16:31.492 --> 00:16:34.555 that it actually led to the decrease of desire. 00:16:34.555 --> 00:16:38.274 The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt, 00:16:38.274 --> 00:16:41.532 the less I was able to let go in your presence. 00:16:41.532 --> 00:16:44.346 The third child doesn't really come back. NOTE Paragraph 00:16:44.346 --> 00:16:47.778 So what happens, if you want to sustain desire, 00:16:47.778 --> 00:16:50.018 it's that real dialectic piece. 00:16:50.018 --> 00:16:53.699 On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go. 00:16:53.699 --> 00:16:57.451 On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure, 00:16:57.451 --> 00:17:00.431 you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm, 00:17:00.431 --> 00:17:02.914 you don't get excited because you spend your time 00:17:02.914 --> 00:17:06.050 in the body and the head of the other and not in your own. NOTE Paragraph 00:17:06.050 --> 00:17:09.770 So in this dilemma about reconciling 00:17:09.770 --> 00:17:12.283 these two sets of fundamental needs, 00:17:12.283 --> 00:17:16.668 there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do. 00:17:16.668 --> 00:17:19.650 One, they have a lot of sexual privacy. 00:17:19.650 --> 00:17:22.072 They understand that there is an erotic space 00:17:22.072 --> 00:17:24.123 that belongs to each of them. 00:17:24.123 --> 00:17:27.282 They also understand that foreplay is not something you do 00:17:27.282 --> 00:17:29.386 five minutes before the real thing. 00:17:29.386 --> 00:17:32.586 Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm. 00:17:32.586 --> 00:17:35.806 They also understand that an erotic space 00:17:35.806 --> 00:17:37.995 isn't about, you begin to stroke the other. 00:17:37.995 --> 00:17:41.550 It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc., 00:17:41.550 --> 00:17:44.194 maybe where you leave the agile program, 00:17:44.209 --> 00:17:46.004 (Laughter) 00:17:46.004 --> 00:17:49.092 and you actually just enter that place 00:17:49.092 --> 00:17:51.193 where you stop being the good citizen 00:17:51.193 --> 00:17:53.857 who is taking care of things and being responsible. 00:17:53.857 --> 00:17:57.401 Responsibility and desire just butt heads. 00:17:57.401 --> 00:18:00.033 They don't really do well together. 00:18:00.033 --> 00:18:04.232 Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes. 00:18:04.232 --> 00:18:07.801 It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses. 00:18:07.801 --> 00:18:10.424 But what they know is they know how to resurrect it. 00:18:10.424 --> 00:18:12.116 They know how to bring it back, 00:18:12.116 --> 00:18:13.349 and they know how to bring it back 00:18:13.349 --> 00:18:15.881 because they have demystified one big myth, 00:18:15.881 --> 00:18:18.519 which is the myth of spontaneity, which is 00:18:18.519 --> 00:18:22.233 that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry 00:18:22.233 --> 00:18:25.345 like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood 00:18:25.345 --> 00:18:27.981 that whatever is going to just happen 00:18:27.981 --> 00:18:31.067 in a long-term relationship already has. NOTE Paragraph 00:18:31.067 --> 00:18:33.731 Committed sex is premeditated sex. 00:18:33.731 --> 00:18:36.169 It's willful. It's intentional. 00:18:36.169 --> 00:18:39.389 It's focus and presence. NOTE Paragraph 00:18:39.389 --> 00:18:41.108 Merry Valentine's. NOTE Paragraph 00:18:41.108 --> 00:18:48.893 (Applause)