[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.39,0:00:04.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, why does good sex so often fade,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.44,0:00:09.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.39,0:00:12.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.53,0:00:15.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,contrary to popular belief?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.16,0:00:17.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, the next question would be,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.36,0:00:19.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can we want what we already have?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.93,0:00:22.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the million-dollar question, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.64,0:00:24.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why is the forbidden so erotic?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.35,0:00:28.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.62,0:00:30.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why does sex make babies,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.10,0:00:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.22,0:00:36.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.90,0:00:39.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you love, how does it feel?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.35,0:00:42.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you desire, how is it different?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.50,0:00:44.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are some of the questions
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.17,0:00:46.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are at the center of my exploration
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.76,0:00:49.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the nature of erotic desire
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.51,0:00:53.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.51,0:00:55.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I travel the globe,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.31,0:00:57.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what I'm noticing is that
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.51,0:01:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everywhere where romanticism has entered,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.47,0:01:03.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there seems to be a crisis of desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.38,0:01:08.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.16,0:01:11.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire as an expression of our individuality,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.17,0:01:14.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.87,0:01:18.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire that has become a central concept
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.15,0:01:21.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as part of modern love and individualistic societies.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.71,0:01:24.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.95,0:01:30.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.73,0:01:34.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because we want 14 children,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.77,0:01:38.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.96,0:01:43.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.13,0:01:47.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the first time that we want sex over time
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.65,0:01:52.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.43,0:01:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.84,0:02:01.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.09,0:02:06.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.69,0:02:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.86,0:02:19.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.25,0:02:22.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.37,0:02:24.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we call home.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.02,0:02:28.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.47,0:02:34.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.05,0:02:37.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.34,0:02:41.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you get the gist -- for journey, for travel.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.25,0:02:43.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So reconciling our need for security
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.41,0:02:46.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our need for adventure into one relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.37,0:02:49.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.25,0:02:51.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,used to be a contradiction in terms.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.83,0:02:54.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marriage was an economic institution
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.60,0:02:58.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which you were given a partnership for life
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.31,0:03:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in terms of children and social status
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.06,0:03:03.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and succession and companionship.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.46,0:03:07.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.89,0:03:10.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in addition I want you to be my best friend
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.34,0:03:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.58,0:03:14.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we live twice as long.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.98,0:03:17.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.64,0:03:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.90,0:03:25.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to give us what once an entire village used to provide:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.22,0:03:29.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.37,0:03:33.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.27,0:03:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me comfort, give me edge.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.16,0:03:37.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.08,0:03:39.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me predictability, give me surprise.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.15,0:03:43.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.37,0:03:48.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.73,0:03:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.97,0:03:58.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.74,0:04:02.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.31,0:04:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So why does good sex so often fade?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.94,0:04:08.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the relationship between love and desire?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.48,0:04:11.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do they relate, and how do they conflict?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.61,0:04:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.76,0:04:19.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.01,0:04:23.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.19,0:04:27.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.05,0:04:31.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.55,0:04:35.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.60,0:04:41.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.01,0:04:44.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.48,0:04:49.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.47,0:04:51.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we can go spend some time with,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.84,0:04:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we can go see what goes on in their red light district.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.95,0:04:59.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.29,0:05:02.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.67,0:05:04.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Desire needs space.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.92,0:05:08.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.47,0:05:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I took a question with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.07,0:05:12.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.54,0:05:15.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.48,0:05:18.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.78,0:05:21.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not attracted sexually, per se, but most drawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.93,0:05:25.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And across culture, across religion, and across gender --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.35,0:05:30.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,except for one -- there are a few answers that just keep coming back.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.73,0:05:35.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.27,0:05:41.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.96,0:05:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, when I get back in touch
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.52,0:05:49.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.23,0:05:52.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when my imagination comes back in the picture,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.09,0:05:57.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I can root it in absence and in longing,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.04,0:05:59.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is a major component of desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.74,0:06:02.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then the second group is even more interesting:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.76,0:06:04.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am most drawn to my partner
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.61,0:06:08.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I see him in the studio, when she is onstage,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.59,0:06:12.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when he is in his element, when she's doing something she's passionate about,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.89,0:06:16.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.28,0:06:18.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I see her hold court.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.57,0:06:23.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.02,0:06:26.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,probably the biggest turn-on across the board.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.11,0:06:28.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Radiant, as in self-sustaining.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.95,0:06:31.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at this person -- by the way, in desire
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.86,0:06:34.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.50,0:06:37.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,five centimeters from each other. I don't know in inches how much that is.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.98,0:06:41.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's also not when the other person is that far apart
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.24,0:06:42.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you no longer see them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.63,0:06:47.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.02,0:06:51.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where this person that is already so familiar, so known,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.37,0:06:56.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.21,0:07:01.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.07,0:07:03.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,lies that movement toward the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.66,0:07:05.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because sometimes, as Proust says,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.82,0:07:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mystery is not about traveling to new places,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.50,0:07:10.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's about looking with new eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.68,0:07:14.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.21,0:07:16.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doing something in which they are enveloped,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.92,0:07:21.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.78,0:07:27.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.05,0:07:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, more importantly, in this description about the other
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.52,0:07:35.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or myself -- it's the same -- what is most interesting
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.17,0:07:37.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that there is no neediness in desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.73,0:07:40.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody needs anybody.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.05,0:07:42.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is no caretaking in desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.30,0:07:47.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Caretaking is mightily loving. It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.52,0:07:49.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.81,0:07:51.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by somebody who needs them.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.51,0:07:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.00,0:07:56.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and women have known that forever,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.55,0:07:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because anything that will bring up parenthood
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.51,0:08:02.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will usually decrease the erotic charge.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.77,0:08:04.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For good reasons, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.85,0:08:08.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the third group of answers usually would be
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.11,0:08:12.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.65,0:08:14.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as somebody said to me in the office today,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.81,0:08:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.62,0:08:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.68,0:08:23.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But basically it's when there is novelty.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.37,0:08:27.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.65,0:08:31.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.19,0:08:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What parts of you are just being seen?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.22,0:08:36.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in some way one could say
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.15,0:08:38.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sex isn't something you do, eh?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.16,0:08:41.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.39,0:08:44.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,inside yourself and with another, or others.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.70,0:08:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So where do you go in sex?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.19,0:08:49.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What parts of you do you connect to?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.53,0:08:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do you seek to express there?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.54,0:08:54.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.100,0:08:59.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.33,0:09:01.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place where you can finally surrender
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.67,0:09:04.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not have to take responsibility for everything?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.67,0:09:07.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.68,0:09:10.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What comes out there? It's a language.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.10,0:09:12.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It isn't just a behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.44,0:09:15.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.23,0:09:19.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.28,0:09:21.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, animals have sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.38,0:09:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.81,0:09:28.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are the only ones who have an erotic life,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.09,0:09:34.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.00,0:09:37.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are the only ones who can make love for hours,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.77,0:09:40.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.64,0:09:44.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.54,0:09:47.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.45,0:09:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.88,0:09:53.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is a mortar to desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.33,0:09:56.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.60,0:10:00.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to experience it as if it's happening, while nothing is happening
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.88,0:10:03.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everything is happening at the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.57,0:10:06.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when I began to think about eroticism,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.10,0:10:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to think about the poetics of sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.24,0:10:11.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if I look at it as an intelligence,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.78,0:10:14.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then it's something that you cultivate.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.08,0:10:18.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the ingredients? Imagination, playfulness,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.22,0:10:21.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,novelty, curiosity, mystery.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.52,0:10:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.48,0:10:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But more importantly, for me to begin to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.56,0:10:32.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are the couples who have an erotic spark,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.32,0:10:34.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what sustains desire, I had to go back
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.89,0:10:37.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the original definition of eroticism,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.56,0:10:40.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the mystical definition, and I went through it
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.21,0:10:43.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through a bifurcation by looking actually at trauma,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.65,0:10:46.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the other side, and I looked at it
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.31,0:10:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looking at the community that I had grown up in,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.92,0:10:52.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.53,0:10:55.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in my community there were two groups:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.49,0:10:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.30,0:11:02.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.63,0:11:06.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could not experience pleasure, could not trust,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.22,0:11:08.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.98,0:11:11.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and insecure, you can't lift your head
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.61,0:11:17.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to go and take off in space and be playful and safe and imaginative.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.07,0:11:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who came back to life were those
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.55,0:11:22.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.21,0:11:25.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They knew how to keep themselves alive.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.88,0:11:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I began to listen to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.85,0:11:32.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.70,0:11:35.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but generally people want better sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.57,0:11:38.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.82,0:11:42.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality, of eros, of energy
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.95,0:11:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sex used to afford them, or that they've hoped
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.52,0:11:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it would afford them.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.42,0:11:50.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I began to ask a different question.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.44,0:11:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.29,0:11:58.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I turn off my desires when ..." which is not the same question as,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.57,0:12:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What turns me of is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.52,0:12:05.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people began to say, "I turn myself off when
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.74,0:12:08.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.63,0:12:11.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I feel old, when I haven't had time for myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.85,0:12:14.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.48,0:12:16.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I don't perform well at work,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.04,0:12:19.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I feel low self esteem, when I don't have a sense of self-worth,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.23,0:12:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.46,0:12:24.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to receive pleasure."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.90,0:12:27.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I began to ask the reverse question.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.27,0:12:30.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.04,0:12:32.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people like to ask the question, "You turn me on,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.90,0:12:36.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.47,0:12:40.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.78,0:12:43.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.58,0:12:45.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.08,0:12:47.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I turn myself on when,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.48,0:12:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I turn my desires, I wake up when ...
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.49,0:12:56.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, in this paradox between love and desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.11,0:12:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what seems to be so puzzling is that the very ingredients
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.99,0:13:04.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that nurture love -- mutuality, reciprocity,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.14,0:13:08.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,protection, worry, responsibility for the other --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.17,0:13:12.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.29,0:13:16.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because desire comes with a host of feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.52,0:13:20.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are not always such favorites of love:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.50,0:13:24.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.63,0:13:26.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,naughtiness, mischief.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.42,0:13:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically most of us will get turned on at night
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.70,0:13:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.60,0:13:37.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.02,0:13:39.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.67,0:13:43.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.11,0:13:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no, in our mind up there
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.92,0:13:49.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are a host of things going on that we don't always know
Dialogue: 0,0:13:49.67,0:13:51.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how to bring to the person that we love,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.76,0:13:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we think love comes with selflessness
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.57,0:13:58.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.28,0:14:00.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the best sense of the word:
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.06,0:14:03.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the ability to stay connected to one's self
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.09,0:14:04.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the presence of another.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.98,0:14:07.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I want to draw that little image for you,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.64,0:14:11.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.35,0:14:12.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are born with that.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.89,0:14:15.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our need for connection, our need for separateness,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.79,0:14:17.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our need for security and adventure,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.100,0:14:20.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.69,0:14:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.44,0:14:27.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.93,0:14:31.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at some point all of us need to go out into the world
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.84,0:14:34.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to discover and to explore.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.34,0:14:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the beginning of desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.85,0:14:40.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that exploratory needs curiosity, discovery.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.35,0:14:44.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then at some point they turn around and they look at you,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.24,0:14:46.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you tell them,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.71,0:14:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place. Go for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.06,0:14:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's so much fun out there,"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.76,0:14:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they can turn away and they can experience
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.43,0:14:55.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,connection and separateness at the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.64,0:14:58.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.89,0:15:01.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,off in their playfulness, all the while knowing
Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.97,0:15:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there's somebody when they come back.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.56,0:15:06.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if on this side there is somebody who says,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.87,0:15:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.70,0:15:12.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.73,0:15:15.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's so good out there? Don't we have everything
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.25,0:15:17.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you need together, you and I?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.43,0:15:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then there are a few little reactions
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.55,0:15:22.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that all of us can pretty much recognize.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.87,0:15:27.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of us will come back, came back a long time ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.67,0:15:29.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that little child who comes back
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.87,0:15:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the child who will forgo a part of himself
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.71,0:15:35.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order not to lose the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.12,0:15:39.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.05,0:15:41.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I will learn to love in a certain way
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.73,0:15:45.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that will become burdened with extra worry
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.93,0:15:49.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and extra responsibility and extra protection,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.47,0:15:51.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I won't know how to leave you
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.94,0:15:55.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.48,0:15:58.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to discover, to enter inside myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.72,0:16:01.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Translate this into adult language.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.61,0:16:05.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It starts very young. It continues into our sex lives
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.23,0:16:06.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,up to the end.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.74,0:16:09.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Child number two comes back
Dialogue: 0,0:16:09.26,0:16:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.07,0:16:14.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you going to be there?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:14.11,0:16:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you going to curse me? Are you going to scold me?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.98,0:16:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you going to be angry with me?"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.98,0:16:21.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they may be gone, but they're never really away,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.60,0:16:23.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and those are often the people that will tell you,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.69,0:16:26.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the beginning it was super hot.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.02,0:16:29.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in the beginning, the growing intimacy
Dialogue: 0,0:16:29.59,0:16:31.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wasn't yet so strong
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.49,0:16:34.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it actually led to the decrease of desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.56,0:16:38.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.27,0:16:41.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the less I was able to let go in your presence.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.53,0:16:44.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third child doesn't really come back.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.35,0:16:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.78,0:16:50.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's that real dialectic piece.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.02,0:16:53.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.70,0:16:57.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.45,0:17:00.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.43,0:17:02.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you don't get excited because you spend your time
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.91,0:17:06.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.05,0:17:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in this dilemma about reconciling
Dialogue: 0,0:17:09.77,0:17:12.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these two sets of fundamental needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.28,0:17:16.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.67,0:17:19.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.65,0:17:22.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They understand that there is an erotic space
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.07,0:17:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that belongs to each of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.12,0:17:27.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They also understand that foreplay is not something you do
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.28,0:17:29.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,five minutes before the real thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.39,0:17:32.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.59,0:17:35.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They also understand that an erotic space
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.81,0:17:37.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,isn't about, you begin to stroke the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:37.100,0:17:41.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.55,0:17:44.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe where you leave the agile program,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.21,0:17:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.00,0:17:49.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you actually just enter that place
Dialogue: 0,0:17:49.09,0:17:51.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you stop being the good citizen
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.19,0:17:53.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is taking care of things and being responsible.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.86,0:17:57.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Responsibility and desire just butt heads.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.40,0:18:00.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't really do well together.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.03,0:18:04.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.23,0:18:07.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:07.80,0:18:10.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.42,0:18:12.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They know how to bring it back,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.12,0:18:13.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they know how to bring it back
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.35,0:18:15.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they have demystified one big myth,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:15.88,0:18:18.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the myth of spontaneity, which is
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.52,0:18:22.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.23,0:18:25.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.34,0:18:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that whatever is going to just happen
Dialogue: 0,0:18:27.98,0:18:31.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a long-term relationship already has.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.07,0:18:33.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Committed sex is premeditated sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.73,0:18:36.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's willful. It's intentional.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.17,0:18:39.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's focus and presence.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:39.39,0:18:41.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Merry Valentine's.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:41.11,0:18:48.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)