[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.77,0:00:04.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, why does good sex so often fade,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.87,0:00:08.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even for couples who continue\Nto love each other as much as ever?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.73,0:00:12.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why does good intimacy\Nnot guarantee good sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.53,0:00:14.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,contrary to popular belief?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.70,0:00:17.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, the next question would be,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.36,0:00:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can we want what we already have?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.93,0:00:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the million-dollar question, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.64,0:00:24.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why is the forbidden so erotic?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.35,0:00:28.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is it about transgression\Nthat makes desire so potent?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.65,0:00:30.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why does sex make babies,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.10,0:00:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and babies spell erotic\Ndisaster in couples?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.74,0:00:34.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.37,0:00:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of the fatal\Nerotic blow, isn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.01,0:00:39.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you love, how does it feel?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.35,0:00:41.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when you desire, how is it different?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.62,0:00:44.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are some of the questions
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.17,0:00:49.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are at the center of my exploration\Non the nature of erotic desire
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.66,0:00:53.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and its concomitant\Ndilemmas in modern love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.51,0:00:55.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I travel the globe,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.08,0:01:00.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what I'm noticing is that everywhere\Nwhere romanticism has entered,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.47,0:01:02.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there seems to be a crisis of desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.64,0:01:08.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A crisis of desire,\Nas in owning the wanting --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.16,0:01:11.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire as an expression\Nof our individuality,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.17,0:01:15.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of our free choice,\Nof our preferences, of our identity --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.16,0:01:18.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire that has become a central concept
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.48,0:01:21.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as part of modern love\Nand individualistic societies.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.71,0:01:24.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, this is the first time\Nin the history of humankind
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.95,0:01:31.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we are trying to experience\Nsexuality in the long term
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.38,0:01:34.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because we want 14 children,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.77,0:01:38.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for which we need to have even more\Nbecause many of them won't make it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.96,0:01:43.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not because it is exclusively\Na woman's marital duty.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.13,0:01:47.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the first time\Nthat we want sex over time
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.93,0:01:51.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about pleasure and connection\Nthat is rooted in desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.43,0:01:55.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what sustains desire,\Nand why is it so difficult?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.26,0:02:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the heart of sustaining\Ndesire in a committed relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.09,0:02:06.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think, is the reconciliation\Nof two fundamental human needs.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.69,0:02:11.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the one hand, our need\Nfor security, for predictability,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.86,0:02:15.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for safety, for dependability,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.78,0:02:19.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for reliability, for permanence.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.25,0:02:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All these anchoring,\Ngrounding experiences of our lives
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.37,0:02:23.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we call home.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.34,0:02:28.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we also have an equally\Nstrong need -- men and women --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.47,0:02:30.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for adventure, for novelty,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.92,0:02:34.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for mystery, for risk, for danger,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.05,0:02:37.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the unknown,\Nfor the unexpected, surprise --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.34,0:02:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you get the gist.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.27,0:02:40.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For journey, for travel.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.25,0:02:44.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So reconciling our need for security\Nand our need for adventure
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.80,0:02:46.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into one relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.37,0:02:49.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or what we today like to call\Na passionate marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.25,0:02:51.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,used to be a contradiction in terms.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.95,0:02:55.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Marriage was an economic institution
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.25,0:02:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which you were\Ngiven a partnership for life
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.31,0:03:01.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in terms of children and social status
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.06,0:03:03.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and succession and companionship.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.86,0:03:07.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now we want our partner\Nto still give us all these things,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.89,0:03:10.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in addition I want you\Nto be my best friend
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.34,0:03:13.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my trusted confidant\Nand my passionate lover to boot,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.58,0:03:14.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we live twice as long.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.98,0:03:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.90,0:03:21.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we come to one person,\Nand we basically are asking them
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.91,0:03:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to give us what once\Nan entire village used to provide.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.53,0:03:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me belonging, give me identity,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.13,0:03:29.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,give me continuity,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.47,0:03:33.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but give me transcendence\Nand mystery and awe all in one.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.53,0:03:35.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me comfort, give me edge.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.16,0:03:37.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.08,0:03:39.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Give me predictability, give me surprise.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.38,0:03:40.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we think it's a given,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.75,0:03:43.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and toys and lingerie\Nare going to save us with that.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.37,0:03:45.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.30,0:03:49.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.27,0:03:52.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now we get to the existential\Nreality of the story, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.45,0:03:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I think, in some way --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.18,0:03:58.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'll come back to that --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.86,0:04:02.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the crisis of desire\Nis often a crisis of the imagination.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.31,0:04:05.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So why does good sex so often fade?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.94,0:04:08.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the relationship\Nbetween love and desire?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.48,0:04:11.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do they relate,\Nand how do they conflict?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.77,0:04:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because therein lies\Nthe mystery of eroticism.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.82,0:04:18.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if there is a verb, for me,\Nthat comes with love, it's "to have."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.09,0:04:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if there is a verb that comes\Nwith desire, it is "to want."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.47,0:04:27.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In love, we want to have,\Nwe want to know the beloved.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.27,0:04:29.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want to minimize the distance.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.57,0:04:31.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want to contract that gap.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.55,0:04:33.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want to neutralize the tensions.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.85,0:04:35.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want closeness.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.77,0:04:37.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.19,0:04:40.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we tend to not really want to go back\Nto the places we've already gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.01,0:04:44.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Forgone conclusion\Ndoes not keep our interest.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.66,0:04:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In desire, we want an Other,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.89,0:04:49.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody on the other side\Nthat we can go visit,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.94,0:04:52.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we can go spend some time with,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.12,0:04:55.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we can go see what goes on\Nin their red-light district.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.88,0:04:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.90,0:04:59.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.29,0:05:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or in other words,\NI sometimes say, fire needs air.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.67,0:05:04.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Desire needs space.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.99,0:05:08.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when it's said like that,\Nit's often quite abstract.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.47,0:05:10.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I took a question with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.16,0:05:13.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've gone to more than 20 countries\Nin the last few years
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.09,0:05:15.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with "Mating in Captivity,"\Nand I asked people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.48,0:05:18.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when do you find yourself\Nmost drawn to your partner?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.63,0:05:21.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not attracted sexually,\Nper Se, but most drawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.09,0:05:26.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And across culture, across religion,\Nand across gender -- except for one --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.53,0:05:30.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are a few answers\Nthat just keep coming back.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.84,0:05:32.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the first group is:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.70,0:05:37.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am most drawn to my partner\Nwhen she is away,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.92,0:05:41.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we are apart, when we reunite.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.06,0:05:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, when I get back in touch
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.52,0:05:49.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with my ability to imagine myself\Nwith my partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.23,0:05:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when my imagination comes\Nback in the picture,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.31,0:05:56.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I can root it\Nin absence and in longing,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.97,0:05:59.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is a major component of desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.74,0:06:02.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then the second group\Nis even more interesting.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.92,0:06:04.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am most drawn to my partner
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.61,0:06:07.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I see him in the studio,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.15,0:06:08.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she is onstage,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.72,0:06:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when he is in his element,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.42,0:06:12.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she's doing something\Nshe's passionate about,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.96,0:06:16.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I see him at a party\Nand other people are really drawn to him,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.37,0:06:18.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I see her hold court.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.62,0:06:22.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, when I look at my partner\Nradiant and confident.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.02,0:06:25.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Probably the biggest\Nturn-on across the board.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.29,0:06:28.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Radiant, as in self-sustaining.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.95,0:06:31.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at this person --\Nby the way, in desire
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.97,0:06:34.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people rarely talk about it,\Nwhen we are blended into one,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.75,0:06:36.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,five centimeters from each other.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.39,0:06:38.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know in inches how much that is.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.33,0:06:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's also not when the other person\Nis that far apart
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.24,0:06:42.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you no longer see them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.00,0:06:47.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's when I'm looking at my partner\Nfrom a comfortable distance,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.02,0:06:51.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where this person that is already\Nso familiar, so known,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.37,0:06:55.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is momentarily once again\Nsomewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.32,0:07:01.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in this space between me\Nand the other lies the erotic élan,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.07,0:07:03.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,lies that movement toward the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.66,0:07:05.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because sometimes, as Proust says,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.82,0:07:08.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mystery is not\Nabout traveling to new places,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.50,0:07:10.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's about looking with new eyes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.68,0:07:14.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, when I see my partner\Non his own or her own,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.53,0:07:17.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,doing something\Nin which they are enveloped,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.36,0:07:21.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at this person and I momentarily\Nget a shift in perception,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.78,0:07:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I stay open to the mysteries\Nthat are living right next to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.05,0:07:31.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, more importantly,\Nin this description about the other
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.80,0:07:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or myself -- it's the same --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.64,0:07:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is most interesting\Nis that there is no neediness in desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.73,0:07:40.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody needs anybody.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.05,0:07:42.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is no caretaking in desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.54,0:07:44.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Caretaking is mightily loving.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.70,0:07:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.43,0:07:47.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.46,0:07:49.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have yet to see somebody\Nwho is so turned on
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.81,0:07:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by somebody who needs them.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.51,0:07:53.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wanting them is one thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.25,0:07:54.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Needing them is a shot down
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.00,0:07:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and women have known that forever,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.91,0:07:59.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because anything\Nthat will bring up parenthood
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.51,0:08:01.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will usually decrease the erotic charge.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.88,0:08:03.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.11,0:08:04.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For good reasons, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.85,0:08:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the third group\Nof answers usually would be:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.11,0:08:12.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I'm surprised,\Nwhen we laugh together,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.53,0:08:14.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as somebody said to me\Nin the office today,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.81,0:08:16.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.84,0:08:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.97,0:08:23.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But basically it's when there is novelty.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.37,0:08:26.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But novelty isn't about new positions.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.21,0:08:28.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It isn't a repertoire of techniques.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.16,0:08:31.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Novelty is, what parts\Nof you do you bring out?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.41,0:08:34.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What parts of you are just being seen?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.22,0:08:38.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in some way one could say\Nsex isn't something you do, eh?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.16,0:08:39.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sex is a place you go.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.88,0:08:41.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a space you enter
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.39,0:08:44.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,inside yourself\Nand with another, or others.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.94,0:08:46.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So where do you go in sex?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.14,0:08:49.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What parts of you do you connect to?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.61,0:08:51.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do you seek to express there?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.81,0:08:54.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place for transcendence\Nand spiritual union?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.00,0:08:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place for naughtiness\Nand is it a place to be safely aggressive?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.33,0:09:01.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place where you\Ncan finally surrender
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.67,0:09:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not have to take\Nresponsibility for everything?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.84,0:09:07.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a place where you can\Nexpress your infantile wishes?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.82,0:09:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What comes out there? It's a language.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.10,0:09:12.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It isn't just a behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.52,0:09:15.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's the poetic of that language\Nthat I'm interested in,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.41,0:09:18.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is why I began to explore\Nthis concept of erotic intelligence.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.53,0:09:21.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, animals have sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.57,0:09:25.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the pivot, it's biology,\Nit's the natural instinct.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.10,0:09:28.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are the only ones\Nwho have an erotic life,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.35,0:09:33.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means that it's sexuality\Ntransformed by the human imagination.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.46,0:09:37.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are the only ones\Nwho can make love for hours,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.77,0:09:40.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.64,0:09:43.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and touch nobody,\Njust because we can imagine it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.57,0:09:47.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can hint at it.\NWe don't even have to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.39,0:09:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can experience that powerful\Nthing called anticipation,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.88,0:09:53.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is a mortar to desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.33,0:09:56.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The ability to imagine it,\Nas if it's happening,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.98,0:09:59.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to experience it as if it's happening,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.37,0:10:00.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while nothing is happening
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.88,0:10:03.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everything is happening,\Nat the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.57,0:10:06.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when I began to think about eroticism,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.10,0:10:08.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to think about the poetics of sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.45,0:10:11.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if I look at it as an intelligence,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.78,0:10:13.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then it's something that you cultivate.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.98,0:10:15.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the ingredients?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.55,0:10:18.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Imagination, playfulness,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.22,0:10:21.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,novelty, curiosity, mystery.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.78,0:10:26.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the central agent is really\Nthat piece called the imagination.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.57,0:10:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But more importantly,\Nfor me to begin to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.73,0:10:32.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are the couples\Nwho have an erotic spark,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.32,0:10:34.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what sustains desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.15,0:10:37.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had to go back\Nto the original definition of eroticism,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.56,0:10:39.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the mystical definition,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.42,0:10:41.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I went through it\Nthrough a bifurcation
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.53,0:10:43.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by looking, actually, at trauma,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.65,0:10:45.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the other side.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.44,0:10:46.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I looked at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.67,0:10:48.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looking at the community\Nthat I had grown up in,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.02,0:10:52.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was a community in Belgium,\Nall Holocaust survivors,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.86,0:10:55.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in my community,\Nthere were two groups:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.49,0:10:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those who didn't die,\Nand those who came back to life.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.42,0:11:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those who didn't die lived\Noften very tethered to the ground,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.70,0:11:06.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could not experience\Npleasure, could not trust,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.22,0:11:10.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because when you're vigilant,\Nworried, anxious, and insecure,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.24,0:11:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can't lift your head\Nto go and take off in space
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.80,0:11:16.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and be playful and safe and imaginative.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.24,0:11:19.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who came back to life
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.06,0:11:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were those who understood\Nthe erotic as an antidote to death.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.36,0:11:25.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They knew how to keep themselves alive.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.94,0:11:27.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I began to listen
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.52,0:11:30.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the sexlessness\Nof the couples that I work with,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.04,0:11:32.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sometimes would hear people\Nsay, "I want more sex,"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.01,0:11:35.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but generally, people want better sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.57,0:11:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and better is to reconnect\Nwith that quality of aliveness,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.82,0:11:41.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.62,0:11:43.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of Eros, of energy
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.25,0:11:44.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sex used to afford them,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.94,0:11:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that they've hoped\Nit would afford them.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.64,0:11:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I began to ask\Na different question.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.91,0:11:55.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I shut myself off when ..."\Nbegan to be the question.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.29,0:11:57.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I turn off my desires when ..."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.30,0:11:58.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is not the same question as,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.100,0:12:02.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What turns me off is ..."\Nand "You turn me off when ..."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.85,0:12:06.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And people began to say,\N"I turn myself off when
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.03,0:12:08.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel dead inside,\Nwhen I don't like my body,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.94,0:12:10.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I feel old,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.21,0:12:11.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I haven't had time for myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.95,0:12:14.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I haven't had a chance\Nto even check in with you,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.58,0:12:16.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I don't perform well at work,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.32,0:12:17.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I feel low self esteem,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.77,0:12:19.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I don't have a sense of self-worth,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.76,0:12:22.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I don't feel like I have\Na right to want, to take,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.64,0:12:24.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to receive pleasure."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.16,0:12:27.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I began to ask\Nthe reverse question.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.33,0:12:29.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I turn myself on when ..."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.16,0:12:31.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because most of the time,\Npeople like to ask the question,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.99,0:12:34.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You turn me on, what turns me on,"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.20,0:12:36.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm out of the question, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.47,0:12:38.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, if you are dead inside,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.10,0:12:40.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other person can do\Na lot of things for Valentine's.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.85,0:12:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It won't make a dent.\NThere is nobody at the reception desk.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.78,0:12:45.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.08,0:12:47.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I turn myself on when,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.48,0:12:50.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.49,0:12:56.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, in this paradox\Nbetween love and desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.11,0:12:58.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what seems to be so puzzling
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.23,0:13:02.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that the very ingredients\Nthat nurture love --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.12,0:13:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mutuality, reciprocity,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.57,0:13:08.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,protection, worry,\Nresponsibility for the other --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.34,0:13:11.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are sometimes the very ingredients\Nthat stifle desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.43,0:13:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because desire comes\Nwith a host of feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.52,0:13:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are not always\Nsuch favorites of love:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.40,0:13:22.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,jealousy, possessiveness,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.19,0:13:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,aggression, power, dominance,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.76,0:13:26.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,naughtiness, mischief.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.54,0:13:30.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically most of us will get turned on\Nat night by the very same things
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.86,0:13:33.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we will demonstrate\Nagainst during the day.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.60,0:13:36.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, the erotic mind\Nis not very politically correct.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.90,0:13:39.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If everybody was fantasizing\Non a bed of roses,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.56,0:13:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we wouldn't be having such\Ninteresting talks about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.21,0:13:43.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.23,0:13:48.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no, in our mind up there\Nare a host of things going on
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.59,0:13:51.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we don't always know\Nhow to bring to the person that we love,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.76,0:13:54.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we think love\Ncomes with selflessness
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.71,0:13:58.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in fact desire comes\Nwith a certain amount of selfishness
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.28,0:14:00.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the best sense of the word:
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.26,0:14:04.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the ability to stay connected\Nto one's self in the presence of another.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.08,0:14:07.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I want to draw\Nthat little image for you,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.64,0:14:11.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this need to reconcile\Nthese two sets of needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.35,0:14:12.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are born with that.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.89,0:14:15.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our need for connection,\Nour need for separateness,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.79,0:14:17.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our need for security and adventure,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.100,0:14:20.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our need for togetherness\Nand for autonomy,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.85,0:14:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you think about the little kid\Nwho sits on your lap
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.02,0:14:27.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who is cozily nested here\Nand very secure and comfortable,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.93,0:14:32.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at some point all of us\Nneed to go out into the world
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.19,0:14:34.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to discover and to explore.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.34,0:14:36.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the beginning of desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.19,0:14:40.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that exploratory need,\Ncuriosity, discovery.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.19,0:14:44.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then at some point they turn\Naround and they look at you.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.94,0:14:46.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you tell them,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.71,0:14:48.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.73,0:14:50.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.88,0:14:53.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they can turn away\Nand they can experience
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.43,0:14:55.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,connection and separateness\Nat the same time.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.64,0:14:59.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They can go off in their imagination,\Noff in their body,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.45,0:15:01.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,off in their playfulness,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.10,0:15:04.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all the while knowing that there's\Nsomebody when they come back.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.62,0:15:07.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if on this side\Nthere is somebody who says,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.06,0:15:10.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.64,0:15:12.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My partner hasn't taken care\Nof me in so long.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.92,0:15:14.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's so good out there?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:14.29,0:15:17.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't we have everything\Nyou need together, you and I?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.43,0:15:19.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then there are a few little reactions
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.55,0:15:22.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that all of us can pretty much recognize.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.96,0:15:25.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of us will come back,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.89,0:15:27.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,came back a long time ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.67,0:15:30.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that little child who comes back
Dialogue: 0,0:15:30.08,0:15:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the child who will forgo\Na part of himself
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.03,0:15:34.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order not to lose the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.17,0:15:38.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will lose my freedom\Nin order not to lose connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.18,0:15:42.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I will learn to love in a certain way
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.09,0:15:45.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that will become burdened with extra worry
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.93,0:15:49.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and extra responsibility\Nand extra protection,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.47,0:15:51.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I won't know how to leave you
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.94,0:15:55.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to go play,\Nin order to go experience pleasure,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.48,0:15:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to discover,\Nto enter inside myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.72,0:16:01.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Translate this into adult language.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.61,0:16:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It starts very young.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:03.12,0:16:06.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It continues into our sex lives\Nup to the end.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:06.87,0:16:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Child number two comes back
Dialogue: 0,0:16:09.26,0:16:12.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but looks like that\Nover their shoulder all the time.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.33,0:16:14.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you going to be there?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:14.11,0:16:16.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you going to curse me, scold me?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.20,0:16:17.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you going to be angry with me?"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.98,0:16:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they may be gone,\Nbut they're never really away.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.60,0:16:23.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those are often the people\Nthat will tell you,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.01,0:16:26.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"In the beginning, it was super hot."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.13,0:16:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in the beginning,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.31,0:16:31.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.66,0:16:34.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it actually led\Nto the decrease of desire.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.56,0:16:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more connected I became,\Nthe more responsible I felt,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:38.58,0:16:41.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the less I was able to let go\Nin your presence.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:41.71,0:16:43.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third child doesn't really come back.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.35,0:16:47.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what happens,\Nif you want to sustain desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.78,0:16:49.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's that real dialectic piece.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.02,0:16:53.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the one hand you want the security\Nin order to be able to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.70,0:16:57.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the other hand if you can't go,\Nyou can't have pleasure,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.45,0:17:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can't culminate,\Nyou don't have an orgasm,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.50,0:17:02.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you don't get excited\Nbecause you spend your time
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.91,0:17:05.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the body and the head\Nof the other and not in your own.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.35,0:17:12.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in this dilemma about reconciling\Nthese two sets of fundamental needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.42,0:17:16.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are a few things that I've come\Nto understand erotic couples do.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.59,0:17:19.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.57,0:17:22.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They understand\Nthat there is an erotic space
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.07,0:17:23.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that belongs to each of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.12,0:17:27.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They also understand\Nthat foreplay is not something you do
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.28,0:17:29.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,five minutes before the real thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.49,0:17:32.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Foreplay pretty much starts\Nat the end of the previous orgasm.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.03,0:17:36.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They also understand\Nthat an erotic space isn't about,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:36.59,0:17:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you begin to stroke the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.14,0:17:41.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's about you create a space\Nwhere you leave Management Inc.,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.55,0:17:44.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe where you leave the Agile program --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:44.21,0:17:46.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.92,0:17:51.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you actually just enter that place\Nwhere you stop being the good citizen
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.19,0:17:53.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is taking care of things\Nand being responsible.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.86,0:17:57.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Responsibility and desire just butt heads.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:57.40,0:17:59.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't really do well together.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.23,0:18:04.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Erotic couples also understand\Nthat passion waxes and wanes.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.23,0:18:06.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's pretty much like the moon.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.06,0:18:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It has intermittent eclipses.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:07.80,0:18:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what they know\Nis they know how to resurrect it.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.42,0:18:12.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They know how to bring it back.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.12,0:18:13.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they know how to bring it back
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.76,0:18:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they have\Ndemystified one big myth,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.15,0:18:18.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the myth of spontaneity,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.52,0:18:20.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is that it's just going\Nto fall from heaven
Dialogue: 0,0:18:20.95,0:18:23.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while you're folding the laundry\Nlike a deus ex machina,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.93,0:18:25.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in fact they understood
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.90,0:18:31.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that whatever is going to just happen\Nin a long-term relationship, already has.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.07,0:18:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Committed sex is premeditated sex.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.85,0:18:36.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's willful. It's intentional.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:37.17,0:18:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's focus and presence.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.11,0:18:41.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Merry Valentine's.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:41.26,0:18:44.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)