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So, why does good sex so often fade,

2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,492
even for couples who continue
to love each other as much as ever?

3
00:00:09,726 --> 00:00:12,506
And why does good intimacy
not guarantee good sex,

4
00:00:12,530 --> 00:00:14,393
contrary to popular belief?

5
00:00:15,703 --> 00:00:17,331
Or, the next question would be,

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can we want what we already have?

7
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That's the million-dollar question, right?

8
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And why is the forbidden so erotic?

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What is it about transgression
that makes desire so potent?

10
00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:30,078
And why does sex make babies,

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and babies spell erotic
disaster in couples?

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00:00:32,736 --> 00:00:34,343
(Laughter)

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00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,545
It's kind of the fatal
erotic blow, isn't it?

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And when you love, how does it feel?

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And when you desire, how is it different?

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These are some of the questions

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that are at the center of my exploration
on the nature of erotic desire

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and its concomitant
dilemmas in modern love.

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So I travel the globe,

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and what I'm noticing is that everywhere
where romanticism has entered,

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there seems to be a crisis of desire.

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A crisis of desire,
as in owning the wanting --

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desire as an expression
of our individuality,

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of our free choice,
of our preferences, of our identity --

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desire that has become a central concept

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as part of modern love
and individualistic societies.

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You know, this is the first time
in the history of humankind

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where we are trying to experience
sexuality in the long term

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not because we want 14 children,

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for which we need to have even more
because many of them won't make it,

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and not because it is exclusively
a woman's marital duty.

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This is the first time
that we want sex over time

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about pleasure and connection
that is rooted in desire.

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So what sustains desire,
and why is it so difficult?

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And at the heart of sustaining
desire in a committed relationship,

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I think, is the reconciliation
of two fundamental human needs.

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On the one hand, our need
for security, for predictability,

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for safety, for dependability,

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for reliability, for permanence.

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All these anchoring,
grounding experiences of our lives

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that we call home.

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But we also have an equally
strong need -- men and women --

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for adventure, for novelty,

44
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for mystery, for risk, for danger,

45
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for the unknown,
for the unexpected, surprise --

46
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you get the gist.

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For journey, for travel.

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So reconciling our need for security
and our need for adventure

49
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into one relationship,

50
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or what we today like to call
a passionate marriage,

51
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used to be a contradiction in terms.

52
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Marriage was an economic institution

53
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in which you were
given a partnership for life

54
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in terms of children and social status

55
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,839
and succession and companionship.

56
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But now we want our partner
to still give us all these things,

57
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but in addition I want you
to be my best friend

58
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and my trusted confidant
and my passionate lover to boot,

59
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and we live twice as long.

60
00:03:14,982 --> 00:03:17,878
(Laughter)

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00:03:17,902 --> 00:03:21,882
So we come to one person,
and we basically are asking them

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to give us what once
an entire village used to provide.

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Give me belonging, give me identity,

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give me continuity,

65
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but give me transcendence
and mystery and awe all in one.

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Give me comfort, give me edge.

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Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

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Give me predictability, give me surprise.

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And we think it's a given,

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and toys and lingerie
are going to save us with that.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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So now we get to the existential
reality of the story, right?

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Because I think, in some way --

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and I'll come back to that --

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but the crisis of desire
is often a crisis of the imagination.

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00:04:02,314 --> 00:04:05,913
So why does good sex so often fade?

78
00:04:05,937 --> 00:04:08,461
What is the relationship
between love and desire?

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How do they relate,
and how do they conflict?

80
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Because therein lies
the mystery of eroticism.

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So if there is a verb, for me,
that comes with love, it's "to have."

82
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And if there is a verb that comes
with desire, it is "to want."

83
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In love, we want to have,
we want to know the beloved.

84
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We want to minimize the distance.

85
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We want to contract that gap.

86
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We want to neutralize the tensions.

87
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We want closeness.

88
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But in desire,

89
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we tend to not really want to go back
to the places we've already gone.

90
00:04:41,006 --> 00:04:44,327
Forgone conclusion
does not keep our interest.

91
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In desire, we want an Other,

92
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somebody on the other side
that we can go visit,

93
00:04:49,938 --> 00:04:52,096
that we can go spend some time with,

94
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that we can go see what goes on
in their red-light district.

95
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You know?

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00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:59,269
In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

97
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Or in other words,
I sometimes say, fire needs air.

98
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Desire needs space.

99
00:05:04,989 --> 00:05:08,443
And when it's said like that,
it's often quite abstract.

100
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But then I took a question with me.

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And I've gone to more than 20 countries
in the last few years

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with "Mating in Captivity,"
and I asked people,

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when do you find yourself
most drawn to your partner?

104
00:05:18,631 --> 00:05:21,498
Not attracted sexually,
per Se, but most drawn.

105
00:05:22,093 --> 00:05:26,504
And across culture, across religion,
and across gender -- except for one --

106
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there are a few answers
that just keep coming back.

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So the first group is:

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I am most drawn to my partner
when she is away,

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when we are apart, when we reunite.

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Basically, when I get back in touch

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with my ability to imagine myself
with my partner,

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00:05:49,228 --> 00:05:52,286
when my imagination comes
back in the picture,

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and when I can root it
in absence and in longing,

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which is a major component of desire.

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But then the second group
is even more interesting.

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I am most drawn to my partner

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when I see him in the studio,

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when she is onstage,

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when he is in his element,

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when she's doing something
she's passionate about,

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00:06:12,962 --> 00:06:16,343
when I see him at a party
and other people are really drawn to him,

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when I see her hold court.

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00:06:18,621 --> 00:06:22,995
Basically, when I look at my partner
radiant and confident.

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Probably the biggest
turn-on across the board.

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Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

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I look at this person --
by the way, in desire

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people rarely talk about it,
when we are blended into one,

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five centimeters from each other.

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I don't know in inches how much that is.

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But it's also not when the other person
is that far apart

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that you no longer see them.

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It's when I'm looking at my partner
from a comfortable distance,

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where this person that is already
so familiar, so known,

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is momentarily once again
somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

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And in this space between me
and the other lies the erotic élan,

136
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lies that movement toward the other.

137
00:07:03,661 --> 00:07:05,800
Because sometimes, as Proust says,

138
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mystery is not
about traveling to new places,

139
00:07:08,499 --> 00:07:10,654
but it's about looking with new eyes.

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00:07:10,678 --> 00:07:14,507
And so, when I see my partner
on his own or her own,

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00:07:14,531 --> 00:07:17,340
doing something
in which they are enveloped,

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I look at this person and I momentarily
get a shift in perception,

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and I stay open to the mysteries
that are living right next to me.

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And then, more importantly,
in this description about the other

145
00:07:31,795 --> 00:07:33,621
or myself -- it's the same --

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what is most interesting
is that there is no neediness in desire.

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Nobody needs anybody.

148
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There is no caretaking in desire.

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Caretaking is mightily loving.

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It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

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00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:47,433
(Laughter)

152
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I have yet to see somebody
who is so turned on

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by somebody who needs them.

154
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:53,228
Wanting them is one thing.

155
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Needing them is a shot down

156
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and women have known that forever,

157
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because anything
that will bring up parenthood

158
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will usually decrease the erotic charge.

159
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(Laughter)

160
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For good reasons, right?

161
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And then the third group
of answers usually would be:

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when I'm surprised,
when we laugh together,

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00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,787
as somebody said to me
in the office today,

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when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

165
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it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

166
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:23,349
But basically it's when there is novelty.

167
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But novelty isn't about new positions.

168
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It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

169
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Novelty is, what parts
of you do you bring out?

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What parts of you are just being seen?

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Because in some way one could say
sex isn't something you do, eh?

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Sex is a place you go.

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It's a space you enter

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inside yourself
and with another, or others.

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So where do you go in sex?

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What parts of you do you connect to?

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What do you seek to express there?

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Is it a place for transcendence
and spiritual union?

179
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Is it a place for naughtiness
and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

180
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Is it a place where you
can finally surrender

181
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,815
and not have to take
responsibility for everything?

182
00:09:04,839 --> 00:09:07,791
Is it a place where you can
express your infantile wishes?

183
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:10,071
What comes out there? It's a language.

184
00:09:10,095 --> 00:09:12,213
It isn't just a behavior.

185
00:09:12,521 --> 00:09:15,383
And it's the poetic of that language
that I'm interested in,

186
00:09:15,407 --> 00:09:18,971
which is why I began to explore
this concept of erotic intelligence.

187
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,161
You know, animals have sex.

188
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It's the pivot, it's biology,
it's the natural instinct.

189
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We are the only ones
who have an erotic life,

190
00:09:28,354 --> 00:09:33,512
which means that it's sexuality
transformed by the human imagination.

191
00:09:34,456 --> 00:09:37,742
We are the only ones
who can make love for hours,

192
00:09:37,766 --> 00:09:40,614
have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

193
00:09:40,638 --> 00:09:43,803
and touch nobody,
just because we can imagine it.

194
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We can hint at it.
We don't even have to do it.

195
00:09:47,391 --> 00:09:50,861
We can experience that powerful
thing called anticipation,

196
00:09:50,885 --> 00:09:53,309
which is a mortar to desire.

197
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:56,952
The ability to imagine it,
as if it's happening,

198
00:09:56,976 --> 00:09:59,350
to experience it as if it's happening,

199
00:09:59,374 --> 00:10:00,860
while nothing is happening

200
00:10:00,884 --> 00:10:03,151
and everything is happening,
at the same time.

201
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:06,075
So when I began to think about eroticism,

202
00:10:06,099 --> 00:10:08,670
I began to think about the poetics of sex.

203
00:10:09,448 --> 00:10:11,756
And if I look at it as an intelligence,

204
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:13,953
then it's something that you cultivate.

205
00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:15,525
What are the ingredients?

206
00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:18,196
Imagination, playfulness,

207
00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:21,332
novelty, curiosity, mystery.

208
00:10:21,784 --> 00:10:26,543
But the central agent is really
that piece called the imagination.

209
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:29,702
But more importantly,
for me to begin to understand

210
00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:32,298
who are the couples
who have an erotic spark,

211
00:10:32,322 --> 00:10:34,124
what sustains desire,

212
00:10:34,148 --> 00:10:37,538
I had to go back
to the original definition of eroticism,

213
00:10:37,562 --> 00:10:39,395
the mystical definition,

214
00:10:39,419 --> 00:10:41,506
and I went through it
through a bifurcation

215
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:43,628
by looking, actually, at trauma,

216
00:10:43,652 --> 00:10:45,419
which is the other side.

217
00:10:45,443 --> 00:10:46,644
And I looked at it,

218
00:10:46,668 --> 00:10:48,998
looking at the community
that I had grown up in,

219
00:10:49,022 --> 00:10:52,836
which was a community in Belgium,
all Holocaust survivors,

220
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:55,466
and in my community,
there were two groups:

221
00:10:55,490 --> 00:10:58,622
those who didn't die,
and those who came back to life.

222
00:10:59,416 --> 00:11:02,677
And those who didn't die lived
often very tethered to the ground,

223
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:06,192
could not experience
pleasure, could not trust,

224
00:11:06,216 --> 00:11:10,217
because when you're vigilant,
worried, anxious, and insecure,

225
00:11:10,241 --> 00:11:13,780
you can't lift your head
to go and take off in space

226
00:11:13,804 --> 00:11:16,492
and be playful and safe and imaginative.

227
00:11:17,238 --> 00:11:19,031
Those who came back to life

228
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:22,341
were those who understood
the erotic as an antidote to death.

229
00:11:22,365 --> 00:11:25,124
They knew how to keep themselves alive.

230
00:11:25,941 --> 00:11:27,491
And when I began to listen

231
00:11:27,515 --> 00:11:30,021
to the sexlessness
of the couples that I work with,

232
00:11:30,045 --> 00:11:32,989
I sometimes would hear people
say, "I want more sex,"

233
00:11:33,013 --> 00:11:35,542
but generally, people want better sex,

234
00:11:35,566 --> 00:11:38,796
and better is to reconnect
with that quality of aliveness,

235
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:41,599
of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

236
00:11:41,623 --> 00:11:43,224
of Eros, of energy

237
00:11:43,248 --> 00:11:44,919
that sex used to afford them,

238
00:11:44,943 --> 00:11:47,188
or that they've hoped
it would afford them.

239
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:50,157
And so I began to ask
a different question.

240
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:55,267
"I shut myself off when ..."
began to be the question.

241
00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:57,281
"I turn off my desires when ..."

242
00:11:57,305 --> 00:11:58,974
Which is not the same question as,

243
00:11:58,998 --> 00:12:02,072
"What turns me off is ..."
and "You turn me off when ..."

244
00:12:02,851 --> 00:12:06,008
And people began to say,
"I turn myself off when

245
00:12:06,032 --> 00:12:08,913
I feel dead inside,
when I don't like my body,

246
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,182
when I feel old,

247
00:12:10,206 --> 00:12:11,929
when I haven't had time for myself,

248
00:12:11,953 --> 00:12:14,553
when I haven't had a chance
to even check in with you,

249
00:12:14,577 --> 00:12:16,297
when I don't perform well at work,

250
00:12:16,321 --> 00:12:17,746
when I feel low self esteem,

251
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:19,737
when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

252
00:12:19,761 --> 00:12:22,616
when I don't feel like I have
a right to want, to take,

253
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,272
to receive pleasure."

254
00:12:25,164 --> 00:12:27,306
And then I began to ask
the reverse question.

255
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,140
"I turn myself on when ..."

256
00:12:29,164 --> 00:12:31,965
Because most of the time,
people like to ask the question,

257
00:12:31,989 --> 00:12:34,175
"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

258
00:12:34,199 --> 00:12:36,448
and I'm out of the question, you know?

259
00:12:36,472 --> 00:12:38,079
Now, if you are dead inside,

260
00:12:38,103 --> 00:12:40,824
the other person can do
a lot of things for Valentine's.

261
00:12:40,848 --> 00:12:43,753
It won't make a dent.
There is nobody at the reception desk.

262
00:12:43,777 --> 00:12:45,051
(Laughter)

263
00:12:45,075 --> 00:12:47,453
So I turn myself on when,

264
00:12:47,477 --> 00:12:50,937
I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

265
00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:56,082
Now, in this paradox
between love and desire,

266
00:12:56,106 --> 00:12:58,208
what seems to be so puzzling

267
00:12:58,232 --> 00:13:02,101
is that the very ingredients
that nurture love --

268
00:13:02,125 --> 00:13:04,550
mutuality, reciprocity,

269
00:13:04,574 --> 00:13:08,311
protection, worry,
responsibility for the other --

270
00:13:08,335 --> 00:13:11,755
are sometimes the very ingredients
that stifle desire.

271
00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:16,498
Because desire comes
with a host of feelings

272
00:13:16,522 --> 00:13:20,376
that are not always
such favorites of love:

273
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,169
jealousy, possessiveness,

274
00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:24,741
aggression, power, dominance,

275
00:13:24,765 --> 00:13:26,519
naughtiness, mischief.

276
00:13:26,543 --> 00:13:30,831
Basically most of us will get turned on
at night by the very same things

277
00:13:30,855 --> 00:13:33,218
that we will demonstrate
against during the day.

278
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:36,880
You know, the erotic mind
is not very politically correct.

279
00:13:36,904 --> 00:13:39,536
If everybody was fantasizing
on a bed of roses,

280
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,184
we wouldn't be having such
interesting talks about this.

281
00:13:42,208 --> 00:13:43,209
(Laughter)

282
00:13:43,233 --> 00:13:48,566
But no, in our mind up there
are a host of things going on

283
00:13:48,590 --> 00:13:51,733
that we don't always know
how to bring to the person that we love,

284
00:13:51,757 --> 00:13:54,688
because we think love
comes with selflessness

285
00:13:54,712 --> 00:13:58,258
and in fact desire comes
with a certain amount of selfishness

286
00:13:58,282 --> 00:14:00,235
in the best sense of the word:

287
00:14:00,259 --> 00:14:04,639
the ability to stay connected
to one's self in the presence of another.

288
00:14:05,075 --> 00:14:07,613
So I want to draw
that little image for you,

289
00:14:07,637 --> 00:14:11,322
because this need to reconcile
these two sets of needs,

290
00:14:11,346 --> 00:14:12,866
we are born with that.

291
00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:15,762
Our need for connection,
our need for separateness,

292
00:14:15,786 --> 00:14:17,971
or our need for security and adventure,

293
00:14:17,995 --> 00:14:20,825
or our need for togetherness
and for autonomy,

294
00:14:20,849 --> 00:14:24,000
and if you think about the little kid
who sits on your lap

295
00:14:24,024 --> 00:14:27,903
and who is cozily nested here
and very secure and comfortable,

296
00:14:27,927 --> 00:14:32,169
and at some point all of us
need to go out into the world

297
00:14:32,193 --> 00:14:34,312
to discover and to explore.

298
00:14:34,336 --> 00:14:36,170
That's the beginning of desire,

299
00:14:36,194 --> 00:14:40,010
that exploratory need,
curiosity, discovery.

300
00:14:41,194 --> 00:14:44,916
And then at some point they turn
around and they look at you.

301
00:14:44,940 --> 00:14:46,689
And if you tell them,

302
00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:48,710
"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

303
00:14:48,734 --> 00:14:50,859
Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

304
00:14:50,883 --> 00:14:53,409
then they can turn away
and they can experience

305
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,614
connection and separateness
at the same time.

306
00:14:55,638 --> 00:14:59,428
They can go off in their imagination,
off in their body,

307
00:14:59,452 --> 00:15:01,080
off in their playfulness,

308
00:15:01,104 --> 00:15:04,238
all the while knowing that there's
somebody when they come back.

309
00:15:04,619 --> 00:15:07,032
But if on this side
there is somebody who says,

310
00:15:07,056 --> 00:15:10,612
"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

311
00:15:10,636 --> 00:15:12,891
My partner hasn't taken care
of me in so long.

312
00:15:12,915 --> 00:15:14,263
What's so good out there?

313
00:15:14,287 --> 00:15:17,409
Don't we have everything
you need together, you and I?"

314
00:15:17,433 --> 00:15:19,522
then there are a few little reactions

315
00:15:19,546 --> 00:15:22,602
that all of us can pretty much recognize.

316
00:15:22,959 --> 00:15:25,865
Some of us will come back,

317
00:15:25,889 --> 00:15:27,642
came back a long time ago,

318
00:15:27,666 --> 00:15:30,051
and that little child who comes back

319
00:15:30,075 --> 00:15:33,004
is the child who will forgo
a part of himself

320
00:15:33,028 --> 00:15:34,742
in order not to lose the other.

321
00:15:35,171 --> 00:15:38,732
I will lose my freedom
in order not to lose connection.

322
00:15:39,185 --> 00:15:42,066
And I will learn to love in a certain way

323
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:45,906
that will become burdened with extra worry

324
00:15:45,930 --> 00:15:49,450
and extra responsibility
and extra protection,

325
00:15:49,474 --> 00:15:51,914
and I won't know how to leave you

326
00:15:51,938 --> 00:15:55,458
in order to go play,
in order to go experience pleasure,

327
00:15:55,482 --> 00:15:58,698
in order to discover,
to enter inside myself.

328
00:15:58,722 --> 00:16:01,221
Translate this into adult language.

329
00:16:01,606 --> 00:16:03,095
It starts very young.

330
00:16:03,119 --> 00:16:06,398
It continues into our sex lives
up to the end.

331
00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:09,237
Child number two comes back

332
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:12,303
but looks like that
over their shoulder all the time.

333
00:16:12,327 --> 00:16:14,082
"Are you going to be there?

334
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:16,178
Are you going to curse me, scold me?

335
00:16:16,202 --> 00:16:17,959
Are you going to be angry with me?"

336
00:16:17,983 --> 00:16:21,578
And they may be gone,
but they're never really away.

337
00:16:21,602 --> 00:16:23,983
And those are often the people
that will tell you,

338
00:16:24,007 --> 00:16:26,109
"In the beginning, it was super hot."

339
00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:28,286
Because in the beginning,

340
00:16:28,310 --> 00:16:31,638
the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

341
00:16:31,662 --> 00:16:34,531
that it actually led
to the decrease of desire.

342
00:16:34,555 --> 00:16:38,559
The more connected I became,
the more responsible I felt,

343
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:41,682
the less I was able to let go
in your presence.

344
00:16:41,706 --> 00:16:43,750
The third child doesn't really come back.

345
00:16:44,346 --> 00:16:47,754
So what happens,
if you want to sustain desire,

346
00:16:47,778 --> 00:16:49,994
it's that real dialectic piece.

347
00:16:50,018 --> 00:16:53,675
On the one hand you want the security
in order to be able to go.

348
00:16:53,699 --> 00:16:57,427
On the other hand if you can't go,
you can't have pleasure,

349
00:16:57,451 --> 00:17:00,471
you can't culminate,
you don't have an orgasm,

350
00:17:00,495 --> 00:17:02,890
you don't get excited
because you spend your time

351
00:17:02,914 --> 00:17:05,749
in the body and the head
of the other and not in your own.

352
00:17:06,352 --> 00:17:12,392
So in this dilemma about reconciling
these two sets of fundamental needs,

353
00:17:12,416 --> 00:17:16,565
there are a few things that I've come
to understand erotic couples do.

354
00:17:16,589 --> 00:17:19,542
One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

355
00:17:19,566 --> 00:17:22,048
They understand
that there is an erotic space

356
00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:23,672
that belongs to each of them.

357
00:17:24,123 --> 00:17:27,258
They also understand
that foreplay is not something you do

358
00:17:27,282 --> 00:17:29,093
five minutes before the real thing.

359
00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:32,562
Foreplay pretty much starts
at the end of the previous orgasm.

360
00:17:33,033 --> 00:17:36,565
They also understand
that an erotic space isn't about,

361
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,120
you begin to stroke the other.

362
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:41,526
It's about you create a space
where you leave Management Inc.,

363
00:17:41,550 --> 00:17:44,185
maybe where you leave the Agile program --

364
00:17:44,209 --> 00:17:46,893
(Laughter)

365
00:17:46,917 --> 00:17:51,169
And you actually just enter that place
where you stop being the good citizen

366
00:17:51,193 --> 00:17:53,833
who is taking care of things
and being responsible.

367
00:17:53,857 --> 00:17:57,377
Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

368
00:17:57,401 --> 00:17:59,532
They don't really do well together.

369
00:18:00,230 --> 00:18:04,208
Erotic couples also understand
that passion waxes and wanes.

370
00:18:04,232 --> 00:18:06,032
It's pretty much like the moon.

371
00:18:06,056 --> 00:18:07,777
It has intermittent eclipses.

372
00:18:07,801 --> 00:18:10,400
But what they know
is they know how to resurrect it.

373
00:18:10,424 --> 00:18:12,092
They know how to bring it back.

374
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:13,736
And they know how to bring it back

375
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,122
because they have
demystified one big myth,

376
00:18:16,146 --> 00:18:18,495
which is the myth of spontaneity,

377
00:18:18,519 --> 00:18:20,926
which is that it's just going
to fall from heaven

378
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:23,908
while you're folding the laundry
like a deus ex machina,

379
00:18:23,932 --> 00:18:25,877
and in fact they understood

380
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:31,043
that whatever is going to just happen
in a long-term relationship, already has.

381
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,829
Committed sex is premeditated sex.

382
00:18:33,853 --> 00:18:36,145
It's willful. It's intentional.

383
00:18:37,170 --> 00:18:39,217
It's focus and presence.

384
00:18:40,114 --> 00:18:41,234
Merry Valentine's.

385
00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:44,404
(Applause)