0:00:01.769,0:00:04.848
So, why does good sex so often fade,

0:00:04.872,0:00:08.492
even for couples who continue[br]to love each other as much as ever?

0:00:09.726,0:00:12.506
And why does good intimacy[br]not guarantee good sex,

0:00:12.530,0:00:14.393
contrary to popular belief?

0:00:15.703,0:00:17.331
Or, the next question would be,

0:00:17.355,0:00:19.395
can we want what we already have?

0:00:19.928,0:00:22.084
That's the million-dollar question, right?

0:00:22.641,0:00:24.330
And why is the forbidden so erotic?

0:00:24.354,0:00:28.070
What is it about transgression[br]that makes desire so potent?

0:00:28.653,0:00:30.078
And why does sex make babies,

0:00:30.102,0:00:32.712
and babies spell erotic[br]disaster in couples?

0:00:32.736,0:00:34.343
(Laughter)

0:00:34.367,0:00:36.545
It's kind of the fatal[br]erotic blow, isn't it?

0:00:37.014,0:00:39.327
And when you love, how does it feel?

0:00:39.351,0:00:41.831
And when you desire, how is it different?

0:00:42.625,0:00:44.148
These are some of the questions

0:00:44.172,0:00:49.638
that are at the center of my exploration[br]on the nature of erotic desire

0:00:49.662,0:00:53.086
and its concomitant[br]dilemmas in modern love.

0:00:53.510,0:00:55.060
So I travel the globe,

0:00:55.084,0:01:00.443
and what I'm noticing is that everywhere[br]where romanticism has entered,

0:01:00.467,0:01:02.892
there seems to be a crisis of desire.

0:01:03.640,0:01:08.136
A crisis of desire,[br]as in owning the wanting --

0:01:08.160,0:01:11.146
desire as an expression[br]of our individuality,

0:01:11.170,0:01:15.135
of our free choice,[br]of our preferences, of our identity --

0:01:15.159,0:01:18.461
desire that has become a central concept

0:01:18.485,0:01:21.685
as part of modern love[br]and individualistic societies.

0:01:21.709,0:01:24.926
You know, this is the first time[br]in the history of humankind

0:01:24.950,0:01:31.356
where we are trying to experience[br]sexuality in the long term

0:01:31.380,0:01:34.742
not because we want 14 children,

0:01:34.766,0:01:38.938
for which we need to have even more[br]because many of them won't make it,

0:01:38.962,0:01:43.107
and not because it is exclusively[br]a woman's marital duty.

0:01:43.131,0:01:47.906
This is the first time[br]that we want sex over time

0:01:47.930,0:01:51.476
about pleasure and connection[br]that is rooted in desire.

0:01:52.430,0:01:55.520
So what sustains desire,[br]and why is it so difficult?

0:01:56.255,0:02:01.063
And at the heart of sustaining[br]desire in a committed relationship,

0:02:01.087,0:02:06.670
I think, is the reconciliation[br]of two fundamental human needs.

0:02:06.694,0:02:11.832
On the one hand, our need[br]for security, for predictability,

0:02:11.856,0:02:15.751
for safety, for dependability,

0:02:15.775,0:02:19.224
for reliability, for permanence.

0:02:19.248,0:02:22.342
All these anchoring,[br]grounding experiences of our lives

0:02:22.366,0:02:23.518
that we call home.

0:02:24.336,0:02:28.444
But we also have an equally[br]strong need -- men and women --

0:02:28.468,0:02:30.893
for adventure, for novelty,

0:02:30.917,0:02:34.028
for mystery, for risk, for danger,

0:02:34.052,0:02:37.318
for the unknown,[br]for the unexpected, surprise --

0:02:37.342,0:02:39.249
you get the gist.

0:02:39.273,0:02:40.873
For journey, for travel.

0:02:41.248,0:02:44.773
So reconciling our need for security[br]and our need for adventure

0:02:44.797,0:02:46.347
into one relationship,

0:02:46.371,0:02:49.230
or what we today like to call[br]a passionate marriage,

0:02:49.254,0:02:51.512
used to be a contradiction in terms.

0:02:51.948,0:02:55.226
Marriage was an economic institution

0:02:55.250,0:02:58.288
in which you were[br]given a partnership for life

0:02:58.312,0:03:01.032
in terms of children and social status

0:03:01.056,0:03:03.839
and succession and companionship.

0:03:03.863,0:03:07.868
But now we want our partner[br]to still give us all these things,

0:03:07.892,0:03:10.320
but in addition I want you[br]to be my best friend

0:03:10.344,0:03:13.554
and my trusted confidant[br]and my passionate lover to boot,

0:03:13.578,0:03:14.958
and we live twice as long.

0:03:14.982,0:03:17.878
(Laughter)

0:03:17.902,0:03:21.882
So we come to one person,[br]and we basically are asking them

0:03:21.906,0:03:24.798
to give us what once[br]an entire village used to provide.

0:03:25.529,0:03:28.110
Give me belonging, give me identity,

0:03:28.134,0:03:29.449
give me continuity,

0:03:29.473,0:03:33.109
but give me transcendence[br]and mystery and awe all in one.

0:03:33.530,0:03:35.139
Give me comfort, give me edge.

0:03:35.163,0:03:37.061
Give me novelty, give me familiarity.

0:03:37.085,0:03:39.351
Give me predictability, give me surprise.

0:03:39.375,0:03:40.724
And we think it's a given,

0:03:40.748,0:03:43.349
and toys and lingerie[br]are going to save us with that.

0:03:43.373,0:03:45.274
(Laughter)

0:03:45.298,0:03:49.243
(Applause)

0:03:49.267,0:03:52.728
So now we get to the existential[br]reality of the story, right?

0:03:53.450,0:03:57.158
Because I think, in some way --

0:03:57.182,0:03:58.839
and I'll come back to that --

0:03:58.863,0:04:02.290
but the crisis of desire[br]is often a crisis of the imagination.

0:04:02.314,0:04:05.913
So why does good sex so often fade?

0:04:05.937,0:04:08.461
What is the relationship[br]between love and desire?

0:04:08.485,0:04:11.362
How do they relate,[br]and how do they conflict?

0:04:11.766,0:04:14.235
Because therein lies[br]the mystery of eroticism.

0:04:14.822,0:04:18.629
So if there is a verb, for me,[br]that comes with love, it's "to have."

0:04:19.093,0:04:22.339
And if there is a verb that comes[br]with desire, it is "to want."

0:04:23.466,0:04:27.243
In love, we want to have,[br]we want to know the beloved.

0:04:27.267,0:04:29.549
We want to minimize the distance.

0:04:29.573,0:04:31.529
We want to contract that gap.

0:04:31.553,0:04:33.825
We want to neutralize the tensions.

0:04:33.849,0:04:35.299
We want closeness.

0:04:35.771,0:04:37.167
But in desire,

0:04:37.191,0:04:40.982
we tend to not really want to go back[br]to the places we've already gone.

0:04:41.006,0:04:44.327
Forgone conclusion[br]does not keep our interest.

0:04:44.660,0:04:46.865
In desire, we want an Other,

0:04:46.889,0:04:49.914
somebody on the other side[br]that we can go visit,

0:04:49.938,0:04:52.096
that we can go spend some time with,

0:04:52.120,0:04:55.265
that we can go see what goes on[br]in their red-light district.

0:04:55.875,0:04:56.876
You know?

0:04:56.900,0:04:59.269
In desire, we want a bridge to cross.

0:04:59.293,0:05:02.274
Or in other words,[br]I sometimes say, fire needs air.

0:05:02.668,0:05:04.512
Desire needs space.

0:05:04.989,0:05:08.443
And when it's said like that,[br]it's often quite abstract.

0:05:08.467,0:05:10.134
But then I took a question with me.

0:05:10.158,0:05:13.063
And I've gone to more than 20 countries[br]in the last few years

0:05:13.087,0:05:15.451
with "Mating in Captivity,"[br]and I asked people,

0:05:15.475,0:05:18.607
when do you find yourself[br]most drawn to your partner?

0:05:18.631,0:05:21.498
Not attracted sexually,[br]per Se, but most drawn.

0:05:22.093,0:05:26.504
And across culture, across religion,[br]and across gender -- except for one --

0:05:26.528,0:05:30.406
there are a few answers[br]that just keep coming back.

0:05:30.843,0:05:32.676
So the first group is:

0:05:32.700,0:05:37.891
I am most drawn to my partner[br]when she is away,

0:05:37.915,0:05:41.476
when we are apart, when we reunite.

0:05:42.057,0:05:45.493
Basically, when I get back in touch

0:05:45.517,0:05:49.204
with my ability to imagine myself[br]with my partner,

0:05:49.228,0:05:52.286
when my imagination comes[br]back in the picture,

0:05:52.310,0:05:56.950
and when I can root it[br]in absence and in longing,

0:05:56.974,0:05:59.195
which is a major component of desire.

0:05:59.735,0:06:02.898
But then the second group[br]is even more interesting.

0:06:02.922,0:06:04.583
I am most drawn to my partner

0:06:04.607,0:06:07.129
when I see him in the studio,

0:06:07.153,0:06:08.700
when she is onstage,

0:06:08.724,0:06:10.400
when he is in his element,

0:06:10.424,0:06:12.938
when she's doing something[br]she's passionate about,

0:06:12.962,0:06:16.343
when I see him at a party[br]and other people are really drawn to him,

0:06:16.367,0:06:18.288
when I see her hold court.

0:06:18.621,0:06:22.995
Basically, when I look at my partner[br]radiant and confident.

0:06:23.019,0:06:25.903
Probably the biggest[br]turn-on across the board.

0:06:26.292,0:06:28.929
Radiant, as in self-sustaining.

0:06:28.953,0:06:31.946
I look at this person --[br]by the way, in desire

0:06:31.970,0:06:34.723
people rarely talk about it,[br]when we are blended into one,

0:06:34.747,0:06:36.367
five centimeters from each other.

0:06:36.391,0:06:38.302
I don't know in inches how much that is.

0:06:38.326,0:06:41.217
But it's also not when the other person[br]is that far apart

0:06:41.241,0:06:42.977
that you no longer see them.

0:06:43.001,0:06:47.001
It's when I'm looking at my partner[br]from a comfortable distance,

0:06:47.025,0:06:51.350
where this person that is already[br]so familiar, so known,

0:06:51.374,0:06:55.814
is momentarily once again[br]somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

0:06:56.322,0:07:01.044
And in this space between me[br]and the other lies the erotic élan,

0:07:01.068,0:07:03.204
lies that movement toward the other.

0:07:03.661,0:07:05.800
Because sometimes, as Proust says,

0:07:05.824,0:07:08.475
mystery is not[br]about traveling to new places,

0:07:08.499,0:07:10.654
but it's about looking with new eyes.

0:07:10.678,0:07:14.507
And so, when I see my partner[br]on his own or her own,

0:07:14.531,0:07:17.340
doing something[br]in which they are enveloped,

0:07:17.364,0:07:21.755
I look at this person and I momentarily[br]get a shift in perception,

0:07:21.779,0:07:25.716
and I stay open to the mysteries[br]that are living right next to me.

0:07:27.051,0:07:31.771
And then, more importantly,[br]in this description about the other

0:07:31.795,0:07:33.621
or myself -- it's the same --

0:07:33.645,0:07:37.702
what is most interesting[br]is that there is no neediness in desire.

0:07:37.726,0:07:40.030
Nobody needs anybody.

0:07:40.054,0:07:42.512
There is no caretaking in desire.

0:07:42.536,0:07:44.680
Caretaking is mightily loving.

0:07:44.704,0:07:46.408
It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

0:07:46.432,0:07:47.433
(Laughter)

0:07:47.457,0:07:49.786
I have yet to see somebody[br]who is so turned on

0:07:49.810,0:07:51.488
by somebody who needs them.

0:07:51.512,0:07:53.228
Wanting them is one thing.

0:07:53.252,0:07:54.981
Needing them is a shot down

0:07:55.005,0:07:56.882
and women have known that forever,

0:07:56.906,0:07:59.489
because anything[br]that will bring up parenthood

0:07:59.513,0:08:01.852
will usually decrease the erotic charge.

0:08:01.876,0:08:03.089
(Laughter)

0:08:03.113,0:08:04.829
For good reasons, right?

0:08:04.853,0:08:08.082
And then the third group[br]of answers usually would be:

0:08:08.106,0:08:12.502
when I'm surprised,[br]when we laugh together,

0:08:12.526,0:08:14.787
as somebody said to me[br]in the office today,

0:08:14.811,0:08:16.811
when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,

0:08:16.835,0:08:19.943
it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.

0:08:19.967,0:08:23.349
But basically it's when there is novelty.

0:08:23.373,0:08:26.185
But novelty isn't about new positions.

0:08:26.209,0:08:28.140
It isn't a repertoire of techniques.

0:08:28.164,0:08:31.385
Novelty is, what parts[br]of you do you bring out?

0:08:31.409,0:08:34.191
What parts of you are just being seen?

0:08:34.215,0:08:38.133
Because in some way one could say[br]sex isn't something you do, eh?

0:08:38.157,0:08:39.498
Sex is a place you go.

0:08:39.882,0:08:41.367
It's a space you enter

0:08:41.391,0:08:44.913
inside yourself[br]and with another, or others.

0:08:44.937,0:08:46.802
So where do you go in sex?

0:08:47.135,0:08:49.587
What parts of you do you connect to?

0:08:49.611,0:08:51.786
What do you seek to express there?

0:08:51.810,0:08:54.976
Is it a place for transcendence[br]and spiritual union?

0:08:55.000,0:08:59.303
Is it a place for naughtiness[br]and is it a place to be safely aggressive?

0:08:59.327,0:09:01.647
Is it a place where you[br]can finally surrender

0:09:01.671,0:09:04.815
and not have to take[br]responsibility for everything?

0:09:04.839,0:09:07.791
Is it a place where you can[br]express your infantile wishes?

0:09:07.815,0:09:10.071
What comes out there? It's a language.

0:09:10.095,0:09:12.213
It isn't just a behavior.

0:09:12.521,0:09:15.383
And it's the poetic of that language[br]that I'm interested in,

0:09:15.407,0:09:18.971
which is why I began to explore[br]this concept of erotic intelligence.

0:09:19.526,0:09:21.161
You know, animals have sex.

0:09:21.566,0:09:25.076
It's the pivot, it's biology,[br]it's the natural instinct.

0:09:25.100,0:09:28.330
We are the only ones[br]who have an erotic life,

0:09:28.354,0:09:33.512
which means that it's sexuality[br]transformed by the human imagination.

0:09:34.456,0:09:37.742
We are the only ones[br]who can make love for hours,

0:09:37.766,0:09:40.614
have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,

0:09:40.638,0:09:43.803
and touch nobody,[br]just because we can imagine it.

0:09:44.573,0:09:47.367
We can hint at it.[br]We don't even have to do it.

0:09:47.391,0:09:50.861
We can experience that powerful[br]thing called anticipation,

0:09:50.885,0:09:53.309
which is a mortar to desire.

0:09:53.333,0:09:56.952
The ability to imagine it,[br]as if it's happening,

0:09:56.976,0:09:59.350
to experience it as if it's happening,

0:09:59.374,0:10:00.860
while nothing is happening

0:10:00.884,0:10:03.151
and everything is happening,[br]at the same time.

0:10:03.569,0:10:06.075
So when I began to think about eroticism,

0:10:06.099,0:10:08.670
I began to think about the poetics of sex.

0:10:09.448,0:10:11.756
And if I look at it as an intelligence,

0:10:11.780,0:10:13.953
then it's something that you cultivate.

0:10:13.977,0:10:15.525
What are the ingredients?

0:10:15.549,0:10:18.196
Imagination, playfulness,

0:10:18.220,0:10:21.332
novelty, curiosity, mystery.

0:10:21.784,0:10:26.543
But the central agent is really[br]that piece called the imagination.

0:10:26.567,0:10:29.702
But more importantly,[br]for me to begin to understand

0:10:29.726,0:10:32.298
who are the couples[br]who have an erotic spark,

0:10:32.322,0:10:34.124
what sustains desire,

0:10:34.148,0:10:37.538
I had to go back[br]to the original definition of eroticism,

0:10:37.562,0:10:39.395
the mystical definition,

0:10:39.419,0:10:41.506
and I went through it[br]through a bifurcation

0:10:41.530,0:10:43.628
by looking, actually, at trauma,

0:10:43.652,0:10:45.419
which is the other side.

0:10:45.443,0:10:46.644
And I looked at it,

0:10:46.668,0:10:48.998
looking at the community[br]that I had grown up in,

0:10:49.022,0:10:52.836
which was a community in Belgium,[br]all Holocaust survivors,

0:10:52.860,0:10:55.466
and in my community,[br]there were two groups:

0:10:55.490,0:10:58.622
those who didn't die,[br]and those who came back to life.

0:10:59.416,0:11:02.677
And those who didn't die lived[br]often very tethered to the ground,

0:11:02.701,0:11:06.192
could not experience[br]pleasure, could not trust,

0:11:06.216,0:11:10.217
because when you're vigilant,[br]worried, anxious, and insecure,

0:11:10.241,0:11:13.780
you can't lift your head[br]to go and take off in space

0:11:13.804,0:11:16.492
and be playful and safe and imaginative.

0:11:17.238,0:11:19.031
Those who came back to life

0:11:19.055,0:11:22.341
were those who understood[br]the erotic as an antidote to death.

0:11:22.365,0:11:25.124
They knew how to keep themselves alive.

0:11:25.941,0:11:27.491
And when I began to listen

0:11:27.515,0:11:30.021
to the sexlessness[br]of the couples that I work with,

0:11:30.045,0:11:32.989
I sometimes would hear people[br]say, "I want more sex,"

0:11:33.013,0:11:35.542
but generally, people want better sex,

0:11:35.566,0:11:38.796
and better is to reconnect[br]with that quality of aliveness,

0:11:38.820,0:11:41.599
of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,

0:11:41.623,0:11:43.224
of Eros, of energy

0:11:43.248,0:11:44.919
that sex used to afford them,

0:11:44.943,0:11:47.188
or that they've hoped[br]it would afford them.

0:11:47.641,0:11:50.157
And so I began to ask[br]a different question.

0:11:50.911,0:11:55.267
"I shut myself off when ..."[br]began to be the question.

0:11:55.291,0:11:57.281
"I turn off my desires when ..."

0:11:57.305,0:11:58.974
Which is not the same question as,

0:11:58.998,0:12:02.072
"What turns me off is ..."[br]and "You turn me off when ..."

0:12:02.851,0:12:06.008
And people began to say,[br]"I turn myself off when

0:12:06.032,0:12:08.913
I feel dead inside,[br]when I don't like my body,

0:12:08.937,0:12:10.182
when I feel old,

0:12:10.206,0:12:11.929
when I haven't had time for myself,

0:12:11.953,0:12:14.553
when I haven't had a chance[br]to even check in with you,

0:12:14.577,0:12:16.297
when I don't perform well at work,

0:12:16.321,0:12:17.746
when I feel low self esteem,

0:12:17.770,0:12:19.737
when I don't have a sense of self-worth,

0:12:19.761,0:12:22.616
when I don't feel like I have[br]a right to want, to take,

0:12:22.640,0:12:24.272
to receive pleasure."

0:12:25.164,0:12:27.306
And then I began to ask[br]the reverse question.

0:12:27.330,0:12:29.140
"I turn myself on when ..."

0:12:29.164,0:12:31.965
Because most of the time,[br]people like to ask the question,

0:12:31.989,0:12:34.175
"You turn me on, what turns me on,"

0:12:34.199,0:12:36.448
and I'm out of the question, you know?

0:12:36.472,0:12:38.079
Now, if you are dead inside,

0:12:38.103,0:12:40.824
the other person can do[br]a lot of things for Valentine's.

0:12:40.848,0:12:43.753
It won't make a dent.[br]There is nobody at the reception desk.

0:12:43.777,0:12:45.051
(Laughter)

0:12:45.075,0:12:47.453
So I turn myself on when,

0:12:47.477,0:12:50.937
I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...

0:12:51.488,0:12:56.082
Now, in this paradox[br]between love and desire,

0:12:56.106,0:12:58.208
what seems to be so puzzling

0:12:58.232,0:13:02.101
is that the very ingredients[br]that nurture love --

0:13:02.125,0:13:04.550
mutuality, reciprocity,

0:13:04.574,0:13:08.311
protection, worry,[br]responsibility for the other --

0:13:08.335,0:13:11.755
are sometimes the very ingredients[br]that stifle desire.

0:13:12.430,0:13:16.498
Because desire comes[br]with a host of feelings

0:13:16.522,0:13:20.376
that are not always[br]such favorites of love:

0:13:20.400,0:13:22.169
jealousy, possessiveness,

0:13:22.193,0:13:24.741
aggression, power, dominance,

0:13:24.765,0:13:26.519
naughtiness, mischief.

0:13:26.543,0:13:30.831
Basically most of us will get turned on[br]at night by the very same things

0:13:30.855,0:13:33.218
that we will demonstrate[br]against during the day.

0:13:33.605,0:13:36.880
You know, the erotic mind[br]is not very politically correct.

0:13:36.904,0:13:39.536
If everybody was fantasizing[br]on a bed of roses,

0:13:39.560,0:13:42.184
we wouldn't be having such[br]interesting talks about this.

0:13:42.208,0:13:43.209
(Laughter)

0:13:43.233,0:13:48.566
But no, in our mind up there[br]are a host of things going on

0:13:48.590,0:13:51.733
that we don't always know[br]how to bring to the person that we love,

0:13:51.757,0:13:54.688
because we think love[br]comes with selflessness

0:13:54.712,0:13:58.258
and in fact desire comes[br]with a certain amount of selfishness

0:13:58.282,0:14:00.235
in the best sense of the word:

0:14:00.259,0:14:04.639
the ability to stay connected[br]to one's self in the presence of another.

0:14:05.075,0:14:07.613
So I want to draw[br]that little image for you,

0:14:07.637,0:14:11.322
because this need to reconcile[br]these two sets of needs,

0:14:11.346,0:14:12.866
we are born with that.

0:14:12.890,0:14:15.762
Our need for connection,[br]our need for separateness,

0:14:15.786,0:14:17.971
or our need for security and adventure,

0:14:17.995,0:14:20.825
or our need for togetherness[br]and for autonomy,

0:14:20.849,0:14:24.000
and if you think about the little kid[br]who sits on your lap

0:14:24.024,0:14:27.903
and who is cozily nested here[br]and very secure and comfortable,

0:14:27.927,0:14:32.169
and at some point all of us[br]need to go out into the world

0:14:32.193,0:14:34.312
to discover and to explore.

0:14:34.336,0:14:36.170
That's the beginning of desire,

0:14:36.194,0:14:40.010
that exploratory need,[br]curiosity, discovery.

0:14:41.194,0:14:44.916
And then at some point they turn[br]around and they look at you.

0:14:44.940,0:14:46.689
And if you tell them,

0:14:46.713,0:14:48.710
"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.

0:14:48.734,0:14:50.859
Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"

0:14:50.883,0:14:53.409
then they can turn away[br]and they can experience

0:14:53.433,0:14:55.614
connection and separateness[br]at the same time.

0:14:55.638,0:14:59.428
They can go off in their imagination,[br]off in their body,

0:14:59.452,0:15:01.080
off in their playfulness,

0:15:01.104,0:15:04.238
all the while knowing that there's[br]somebody when they come back.

0:15:04.619,0:15:07.032
But if on this side[br]there is somebody who says,

0:15:07.056,0:15:10.612
"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.

0:15:10.636,0:15:12.891
My partner hasn't taken care[br]of me in so long.

0:15:12.915,0:15:14.263
What's so good out there?

0:15:14.287,0:15:17.409
Don't we have everything[br]you need together, you and I?"

0:15:17.433,0:15:19.522
then there are a few little reactions

0:15:19.546,0:15:22.602
that all of us can pretty much recognize.

0:15:22.959,0:15:25.865
Some of us will come back,

0:15:25.889,0:15:27.642
came back a long time ago,

0:15:27.666,0:15:30.051
and that little child who comes back

0:15:30.075,0:15:33.004
is the child who will forgo[br]a part of himself

0:15:33.028,0:15:34.742
in order not to lose the other.

0:15:35.171,0:15:38.732
I will lose my freedom[br]in order not to lose connection.

0:15:39.185,0:15:42.066
And I will learn to love in a certain way

0:15:42.090,0:15:45.906
that will become burdened with extra worry

0:15:45.930,0:15:49.450
and extra responsibility[br]and extra protection,

0:15:49.474,0:15:51.914
and I won't know how to leave you

0:15:51.938,0:15:55.458
in order to go play,[br]in order to go experience pleasure,

0:15:55.482,0:15:58.698
in order to discover,[br]to enter inside myself.

0:15:58.722,0:16:01.221
Translate this into adult language.

0:16:01.606,0:16:03.095
It starts very young.

0:16:03.119,0:16:06.398
It continues into our sex lives[br]up to the end.

0:16:06.867,0:16:09.237
Child number two comes back

0:16:09.261,0:16:12.303
but looks like that[br]over their shoulder all the time.

0:16:12.327,0:16:14.082
"Are you going to be there?

0:16:14.106,0:16:16.178
Are you going to curse me, scold me?

0:16:16.202,0:16:17.959
Are you going to be angry with me?"

0:16:17.983,0:16:21.578
And they may be gone,[br]but they're never really away.

0:16:21.602,0:16:23.983
And those are often the people[br]that will tell you,

0:16:24.007,0:16:26.109
"In the beginning, it was super hot."

0:16:26.133,0:16:28.286
Because in the beginning,

0:16:28.310,0:16:31.638
the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong

0:16:31.662,0:16:34.531
that it actually led[br]to the decrease of desire.

0:16:34.555,0:16:38.559
The more connected I became,[br]the more responsible I felt,

0:16:38.583,0:16:41.682
the less I was able to let go[br]in your presence.

0:16:41.706,0:16:43.750
The third child doesn't really come back.

0:16:44.346,0:16:47.754
So what happens,[br]if you want to sustain desire,

0:16:47.778,0:16:49.994
it's that real dialectic piece.

0:16:50.018,0:16:53.675
On the one hand you want the security[br]in order to be able to go.

0:16:53.699,0:16:57.427
On the other hand if you can't go,[br]you can't have pleasure,

0:16:57.451,0:17:00.471
you can't culminate,[br]you don't have an orgasm,

0:17:00.495,0:17:02.890
you don't get excited[br]because you spend your time

0:17:02.914,0:17:05.749
in the body and the head[br]of the other and not in your own.

0:17:06.352,0:17:12.392
So in this dilemma about reconciling[br]these two sets of fundamental needs,

0:17:12.416,0:17:16.565
there are a few things that I've come[br]to understand erotic couples do.

0:17:16.589,0:17:19.542
One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.

0:17:19.566,0:17:22.048
They understand[br]that there is an erotic space

0:17:22.072,0:17:23.672
that belongs to each of them.

0:17:24.123,0:17:27.258
They also understand[br]that foreplay is not something you do

0:17:27.282,0:17:29.093
five minutes before the real thing.

0:17:29.490,0:17:32.562
Foreplay pretty much starts[br]at the end of the previous orgasm.

0:17:33.033,0:17:36.565
They also understand[br]that an erotic space isn't about,

0:17:36.589,0:17:38.120
you begin to stroke the other.

0:17:38.144,0:17:41.526
It's about you create a space[br]where you leave Management Inc.,

0:17:41.550,0:17:44.185
maybe where you leave the Agile program --

0:17:44.209,0:17:46.893
(Laughter)

0:17:46.917,0:17:51.169
And you actually just enter that place[br]where you stop being the good citizen

0:17:51.193,0:17:53.833
who is taking care of things[br]and being responsible.

0:17:53.857,0:17:57.377
Responsibility and desire just butt heads.

0:17:57.401,0:17:59.532
They don't really do well together.

0:18:00.230,0:18:04.208
Erotic couples also understand[br]that passion waxes and wanes.

0:18:04.232,0:18:06.032
It's pretty much like the moon.

0:18:06.056,0:18:07.777
It has intermittent eclipses.

0:18:07.801,0:18:10.400
But what they know[br]is they know how to resurrect it.

0:18:10.424,0:18:12.092
They know how to bring it back.

0:18:12.116,0:18:13.736
And they know how to bring it back

0:18:13.760,0:18:16.122
because they have[br]demystified one big myth,

0:18:16.146,0:18:18.495
which is the myth of spontaneity,

0:18:18.519,0:18:20.926
which is that it's just going[br]to fall from heaven

0:18:20.950,0:18:23.908
while you're folding the laundry[br]like a deus ex machina,

0:18:23.932,0:18:25.877
and in fact they understood

0:18:25.901,0:18:31.043
that whatever is going to just happen[br]in a long-term relationship, already has.

0:18:31.067,0:18:33.829
Committed sex is premeditated sex.

0:18:33.853,0:18:36.145
It's willful. It's intentional.

0:18:37.170,0:18:39.217
It's focus and presence.

0:18:40.114,0:18:41.234
Merry Valentine's.

0:18:41.258,0:18:44.404
(Applause)