WEBVTT

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I am a comedian.

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I had two dreams in my life
when I was little.

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The first one was to become a comedian.

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And the second was to get rid of
inequality because I thought it unfair

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that to become a comedian was
a possibility, even a conceivable dream.

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while other people less fortunate than me,
could even imagine such an idea.

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Because as Oscar Wilde once said,

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"In a nation, there's
a part of the population

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that think more about money than the rich

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and those are the poor people."

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The poor people can't think
of anything else.

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This is what the curse of being poor is.

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The first dream came true.
But the second hasn't yet.

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I told myself I would find a technique

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to eradicate the inequalities:
marry a billionaire.

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I calculated that if 7 billion people
each married one of 1827 billionaires:

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on the basis
of joint ownership of property,

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in only one generation,
we would be able to eradicate inequality.

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Well, I'm not an expert in probability.
I'm better in statistics.

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I calculated that today

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I had one chance out of 6 of marrying
someone who suffered from hunger.

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And was not anorexic: malnourished.

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One chance in 4 of marrying someone
who earned less than $1.25 per day.

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A very, very poor person
from Asia or Africa.

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One chance in 2 of marrying someone
who earned less than $2 a day.

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In other words, even in Europe,
you don't earn much.

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And one chance in...

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8 millions of marrying a billionaire.

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Is there anyone here who earns
more than 10 millions euros a year?

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One again, a room full of poor people.

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(Laughter)

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Hey, it's not so bad; we're may be poor,
but we're are happy!

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So, a billionaire. Let me explain.

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Because for poor people,
these figures may appear a bit vague.

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A billionaire is someone
that has 999 million more than 1.

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There are only 1826 of them
in the world. That's nothing.

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That would be animals
that would be a preserved species.

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(Laughter)

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That's that reason we don't have the right
to kill them for their fur.

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(Laughter)

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Or even make sushi out of them.

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The wealthiest man
in the world is Bill Gates.

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The second wealthiest
is Carlos Slim Helú.

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He owns 15% of Mexico.

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He owns the phone companies,
hotels, television networks.

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As a result, better not play
a killer game of Monopoly with him.

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Mine, mine...

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(Laughter)

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And following behind, Warren Buffett.

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He's the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway,
an investment fund.

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He buys shares and sells them.

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He hasn't manufactured anything,

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hasn't invented anything,
he has 50 billions.

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I love Warren.

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(Laughter)

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He never changes his car.
He still lives in the same house.

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He married the cafe waitress
from across the street.

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He only traveled one time in his life.

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He went to China, and didn't like it.

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And his thing is to eat
a T-bone steak on Fridays.

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He's number 3 of 7 billionaires.

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and when he dies, he will leave
all his fortune to Bill Gates.

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(Laughter)

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For his charity.
They repaint the schools.

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(Laughter)

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Hey, but pretty darn well
with a paintbrush.

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(Laughter)

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He's going to give
everything back to the poor.

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I can't understand that.

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He spent his whole life
living off the work of the poor.

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He didn't pay them much.
And he more or less succeeded.

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And at the end, what does he tell them?
"Surprise, it was only a joke?"

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(Laughter)

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It was not necessary to exploit people
if you didn't want to earn money.

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It's like people who catch
and release fish for pleasure.

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and then release the fish in the water.

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Fair-play, noble gesture.

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I personally don't think
that's a noble gesture.

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to humiliate a fish
and to pierce its mouth.

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Warren impoverishes people just for sport.

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(Laughter)

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Well you're going to say,"It's
a good idea to get rid of inequalities."

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But what should you do
to marry a billionaire?"

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It's very easy.
You should study the Forbes' list.

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It comes out every year

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with the names of billionaires
in descending order and with their photos.

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Well, I made posters.

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George Clooney, he's the best looking,
but he's not on the list.

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(Laughter)

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There''s Hugh Grant.

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No, not that one. The other one.
That one is a poor guy.

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His namesake.

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(Laughter)

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He's the CEO of Monsanto.

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To become a billionaire,
you only need to have a good idea.

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He had the idea of getting a patent
on grains, seeds, apples.

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He only had to think about it.

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In the Forbes List, there's no actors,
football players, no singers.

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There is a clown.

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Guy, a man from Quebec,
the creator of Cirque Du Soleil.

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He's number 1006.

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Well, that's not bad for a fire-eater.

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And he's a real billionaire.

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His last vacation, for his birthday,
he went to Soyuz.

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It's not in Russia. It's higher. In orbit.

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You didn't know, but it's uncommon
to take a vacation on Earth.

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I can't really tell you how to recognize
a billionaire in one evening.

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There is really no sign.

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On the contrary, I can tell you
how to recognize a poor person.

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If he's wearing brands that you recognize.

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The little Ralph Lauren horse,
a Rolex, a Porsche, that's a poor guy.

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A billionaire has no external sign
of being rich. At least not on himself.

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Abramovitch, the Russian billionaire.
His external sign of being rich's Chelsea.

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(Laughter)

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The English football club.

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Well, I made some notes.

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I made you a good one
so not to discourage you.

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Larry Ellison.

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He's the CEO of Oracle
and Java on computers.

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It's a free thing.
Who knows how he did it.

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(Laughter)

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What "oh" he's good.

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Wait, there's still others.
You're going to be sorry.

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(Laughter)

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George Soros.
He invented the hedge funds.

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And then, he ruined
England, the franc.

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And at this time, he love the euro.

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Pay attention, the best progress of
the year is thanks to whom?

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Thanks to us: Zara.

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Amancio Ortega,
fourth richest in the world.

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Does anyone speak Spanish?

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He just lost his wife.

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(Laughter)

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That's terrible.

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Look out men...

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Ta-da!

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(Laughter)

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It's Jacqueline Mars of Mars.

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Of "a Mars and it sets off". It's hers.

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She's super nice.

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You know who it is?

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No?

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I'm happy that I'm here
to show you the nice ones.

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Without me, you would only be
good for marriages for love.

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(Laughter)

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Lakshmi Mittal. He manufactures steel.

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His best business is Kazakhstan.

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He bought a part of the country,
a whole region.

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The iron and coal mines, the factories,
the electric power plant, the railroads.

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As a result, he was given
a gift to the people.

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(Laughter)

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That's normal it's a commercial gesture.

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Every year, he goes around the world
10 times with his jet.

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Imagine the mileage?

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(Laughter)

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He must have earned a free trip by now.

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On Pluto.

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To have discussions with billionaires
you have to be able to talk to them.

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to know a little about their lives.

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In the Forbes list there are
billionaires whose jobs we know about:

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Ingvar Kamprad, the CEO of Ikea.

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We know he builds furniture.

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And then, he cuts them down,
and he puts them in very small boxes.

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Because as a child, he was very poor.
He sold matches.

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Well, that remained with him.

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Then, there are CEOs,
that frankly we don't know anything about.

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" What does your husband do?"
"Algorithms."

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"What?"
"He invented Google."

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It's an algorithm.

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One enters a word in a search
engine, and thanks to PageRank

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a line of code of 2 billion terms
with 500 millions variables,

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the information
goes into the computer wires,

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in a data center in the region.

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There are server farms.

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It's air conditioned
because it can't be too hot.

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And thanks to an electric signal,

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the information is transmitted
to your computer via fiber optics.

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What's funny is that it takes
less than two seconds for a full circuit.

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It's instantaneous.

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My husband is the 20th richest
of 7 billionaires, he's really nice.

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But, frankly, when he talks...

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(Laughter)

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Well, I don't understand a word.

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Beware of scams.

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In the Forbes list,
there are few African billionaires.

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Very few African billionaires,
they couldn't get it.

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But, they try.

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For example, in Ethiopia,
they're the ones who invented coffee.

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Coffee, now that's a great invention.

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It's the top traded
agricultural product in the world.

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The problem is they didn't register it.

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(Laughter)

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As a result, they don't see color in it.

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Where as Nestle is made by the Swiss.

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They registered it.

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(Laughter)

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I don't know why you have to like
opera in order to marry a billionaire.

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But whatever you do,

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you must read the women's
supplement of the Financial Times.

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It's titled "How to spend it?"

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"What am I going to do
with that?"

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That really exists.

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Above all, you have to
to learn to speak the lingo,

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"Sweetheart? Did you
see the keys to the Falcon?"

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I have to run an errand.

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While I think of it, don't you think
that we should trade in the plane?

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I don't like flying in last year's model.

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It's feels like flying in an old dress.

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The last model of the Bombardier:
too cutesy, makes you think of a keychain.

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60 square meter all in leather.

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And you know that it's the only jet

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capable of going around the world
with only one stopover.

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It's an awesome way to
to go visit the kids at school."

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And I think that 95% of the world
population has never been on a plane.

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Oh, it's not bad.

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It's worth saying the remaining 5% are

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the ones who have
a blast and who pollute.

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But as a result, regarding the poor,
they did a cute thing.

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In India, near Delhi,
they set up decommissioned Boeing plane.

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And for 125 rupees,
the equivalent of 3 euros,

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on weekends, they take
their families on a plane ride.

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They were their Sunday best saris.

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They tear off their tickets.

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There's a steward,
airline hostesses, a captain.

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They are served a drink and tray meals.

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They are given safety instructions,

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"Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome aboard Air Nowhere.

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Please fasten your seat belts.

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You have to attach the
seat belt like this.

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You should also know
that you manufactured them."

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(Laughter)

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"In case of depressurization,

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well, very unlikely, we have air masks.

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I'm not going to give you
the life jacket spiel.

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That's done for the wealthy,
they don't like having no hope.

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But frankly, they ought to have
put a pair of skis, goggles, and a tuba.

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That would have been the same thing."

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All the same, except they don't fly.

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Well at the end of 2 hours,
when they get off the plane,

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they are happy anyway.

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That's like in Gaza.

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There's no zebra in their zoo.

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So they paint the donkeys.

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They cover them with scotch tape
to stay in the lines.

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But, they do a hell of a job
with a paintbrush.

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The billionaires invented
an incredible thing. It's a slot machine.

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It's quite a good thing
that we aren't familiar with

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where a bit of money from each person
in the whole world quickly disappears.

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However, they're the last,
and they're hopeful.

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"The vacuum cleaner
that doesn't lose its power."

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That's Dyson, who's a billionaire.

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That's it.

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Now you know how to marry a billionaire.

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How to talk to them, learn
to understand and to like them.

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I hope that it will be you
on the Forbes list next year.

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In 2009, at the beginning
of the crisis, there were 793.

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Today, there are 1,826 billionaires.

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I hope that tomorrow,
we will be the 7 billionaires on the list.

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(Applause)