WEBVTT

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I know you think people will be
interested in this

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But they're not.

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I've probably been working
on this for two years.

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Two years? I mean, usually I write 
a book in a couple of days.

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It's a long time
to spend on something

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that means
absolutely nothing.

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But that's what I do,

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that's what people
want me to do,

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is spend a lot of time
wastefully,

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so that I can then
waste their time.

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Comedy writing is

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something you don't
see people doing.

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It's a secretive thing: 
I've never shown anybody

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this stuff.

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I feel a little funny
about it right now,

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to tell you the truth.

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In comedy, what you do is
you think of something

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that you think is funny,

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and then you
go from there.

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It's a fun thing to say,

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"Pop Tart".

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I like the first line

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to be funny right away:

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When I was a kid

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and they
invented the pop tart

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the back of my head
blew right off.

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And that got the whole
thing started,

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that specific part
of my head blew off.

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Not just my head,

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but just the back.

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"It was the 60's
and we had toast,

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"we had orange juice
that was frozen

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"years in advance,
that you had to

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"hack away
at with a knife

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"to get a couple of drops
and it felt like

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"you're committing
a murder

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"before you got
on your school bus."

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Then I talk about
shredded wheat, which

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was like wrapping
your lips

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around a wood chipper.


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"You'd have breakfast and
then you had to take

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"two days off
for the scars to heal

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"so you could speak
again."

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>> You always write on --

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>> Always, yeah, yeah.

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>> Have you ever
tried to --

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>> No

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I don't like
that cursor flash and

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looking at me like,

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"So?

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What you got?"
>> Do you have

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a special pen?

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Yes, the Bic 
clear-barrel blue

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which I wrote every
episode of Seinfeld,

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the TV series,
with that pen.

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Larry and I used to
write them longhand.

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Oh, cause you can't be
in this?

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Aw, that's a drag!

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That was good timing.

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"So in the midst
of that dark

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"and hopeless moment,

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"the Pop Tarts
suddenly appear

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"in the supermarket

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"and we just stared at it

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"like an alien spacecraft

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"and we were like --

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we were like, erhhh

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"chimps in the dirt
playing with sticks."

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What makes that joke

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is you get "chimps",

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"dirt",

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"playing" and "sticks".

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In seven words: four
of them are funny.

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Chimps: chimps are funny.

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Then there is the trying
to figure out

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as a kid,
how did they know

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that there would be
a need for a frosted

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fruit-filled
heatable rectangle

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in the same shape
as the box it comes in,

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and with the same
nutrition

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as the box it comes in.

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In the midst
of that darkness

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and hopelessness
the Kellogg's

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Pop Tart
appears

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and they always laugh
there

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because that
indicates "Oh he's telling

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us a story".


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Then my next joke
that I want to get to

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is "chimps in the dirt
with sticks".

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So now I'm looking
for the connective tissue

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that gives me
that really tight,

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smooth

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link, like a jigsaw
puzzle link.

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And if it's too long,
if it's just

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that split second
too long,

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you will shave letters
off of words.

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You count syllables,
you know,

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to get it just --

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it's more like song
writing.

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Then I had to figure out

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how to end the thing

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and that's
the hardest part:

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if you have a long bit,

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the biggest laugh
has to be at the end.

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It has to be.

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It can't be
in the middle,

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or the beginning.

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And this was very
daunting.

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"Once this pop tart had

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"come into the world,

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"I didn't understand
why we were still

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"eating other kinds
of food

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"because this seemed to be

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"definitely the new way:
"two in the packet

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"and two slots
in the toaster.

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"Why two, one is not enough,

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"three is too many

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"and they can't go stale

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because they were
never fresh."

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"They can't go stale

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because they were
never fresh,"

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that took a long time
and it --

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I know it sounds
like nothing.

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And it is nothing.

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You know, in my world,

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the wronger something
feels,

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the righter it is.

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So, to waste
this much time

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on something
this stupid is --

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that felt good to me.

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It's the exact opposite
of what we do

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here at the Times.


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Which is, we spend
appropriate amounts

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of time
on deserving subjects.

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So I'm the exact
opposite of that:

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inappropriate
and undeserving subjects.