[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.15,0:00:07.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know you think people will be\Ninterested in this
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.97,0:00:09.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they're not.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.78,0:00:15.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've probably been working\Non this for two years.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.22,0:00:18.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two years? I mean, usually I write \Na book in a couple of days.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.02,0:00:21.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a long time\Nto spend on something
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.83,0:00:23.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that means\Nabsolutely nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.71,0:00:25.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that's what I do,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.36,0:00:27.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's what people\Nwant me to do,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.26,0:00:30.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is spend a lot of time\Nwastefully,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.55,0:00:33.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that I can then\Nwaste their time.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.42,0:00:35.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Comedy writing is
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.62,0:00:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,something you don't\Nsee people doing.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.41,0:00:41.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a secretive thing: \NI've never shown anybody
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.57,0:00:42.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this stuff.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.58,0:00:44.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel a little funny\Nabout it right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.52,0:00:45.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to tell you the truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.25,0:00:52.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In comedy, what you do is\Nyou think of something
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.63,0:00:54.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you think is funny,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.31,0:00:55.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then you\Ngo from there.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.99,0:00:57.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a fun thing to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.86,0:00:59.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Pop Tart".
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.14,0:01:00.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like the first line
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.15,0:01:01.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be funny right away:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.74,0:01:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a kid
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.80,0:01:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they\Ninvented the pop tart
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.55,0:01:06.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the back of my head\Nblew right off.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.64,0:01:09.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that got the whole\Nthing started,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.38,0:01:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that specific part\Nof my head blew off.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.33,0:01:13.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not just my head,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.36,0:01:14.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but just the back.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.11,0:01:17.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It was the 60's\Nand we had toast,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.90,0:01:20.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"we had orange juice\Nthat was frozen
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.64,0:01:22.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"years in advance,\Nthat you had to
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.42,0:01:23.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"hack away\Nat with a knife
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.95,0:01:26.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"to get a couple of drops\Nand it felt like
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.45,0:01:27.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you're committing\Na murder
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.74,0:01:29.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"before you got\Non your school bus."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.87,0:01:32.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I talk about\Nshredded wheat, which
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.43,0:01:33.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was like wrapping\Nyour lips
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.75,0:01:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,around a wood chipper.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.86,0:01:37.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You'd have breakfast and\Nthen you had to take
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.02,0:01:38.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"two days off\Nfor the scars to heal
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.68,0:01:39.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"so you could speak\Nagain."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.73,0:01:45.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You always write on --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.20,0:01:46.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Always, yeah, yeah.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.99,0:01:48.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Have you ever\Ntried to --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.30,0:01:49.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> No
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.67,0:01:54.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't like\Nthat cursor flash and
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.86,0:01:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looking at me like,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.95,0:01:57.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.23,0:01:58.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What you got?"\N>> Do you have
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.61,0:01:59.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a special pen?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.71,0:02:03.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, the Bic \Nclear-barrel blue
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.24,0:02:05.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I wrote every\Nepisode of Seinfeld,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.24,0:02:08.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the TV series,\Nwith that pen.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.09,0:02:10.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Larry and I used to\Nwrite them longhand.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.97,0:02:14.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, cause you can't be\Nin this?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.59,0:02:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aw, that's a drag!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.11,0:02:18.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was good timing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.43,0:02:22.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So in the midst\Nof that dark
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.59,0:02:24.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and hopeless moment,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.01,0:02:26.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"the Pop Tarts\Nsuddenly appear
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.95,0:02:28.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"in the supermarket
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.58,0:02:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and we just stared at it
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.95,0:02:33.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"like an alien spacecraft
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.04,0:02:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and we were like --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.83,0:02:36.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we were like, erhhh
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.69,0:02:39.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"chimps in the dirt\Nplaying with sticks."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.77,0:02:40.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What makes that joke
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.97,0:02:42.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is you get "chimps",
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.18,0:02:44.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"dirt",
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.41,0:02:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"playing" and "sticks".
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.96,0:02:49.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In seven words: four\Nof them are funny.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.51,0:02:52.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Chimps: chimps are funny.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.50,0:02:56.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then there is the trying\Nto figure out
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.58,0:02:59.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a kid,\Nhow did they know
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.27,0:03:01.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there would be\Na need for a frosted
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.19,0:03:02.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,fruit-filled\Nheatable rectangle
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.83,0:03:05.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the same shape\Nas the box it comes in,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.47,0:03:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with the same\Nnutrition
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.78,0:03:07.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the box it comes in.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.02,0:03:10.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the midst\Nof that darkness
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.88,0:03:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and hopelessness\Nthe Kellogg's
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.33,0:03:13.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pop Tart\Nappears
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.55,0:03:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they always laugh\Nthere
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.01,0:03:17.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that\Nindicates "Oh he's telling
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.92,0:03:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,us a story".\N
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.86,0:03:21.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then my next joke\Nthat I want to get to
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.37,0:03:23.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is "chimps in the dirt\Nwith sticks".
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.50,0:03:26.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now I'm looking\Nfor the connective tissue
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.32,0:03:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that gives me\Nthat really tight,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.46,0:03:29.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,smooth
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.65,0:03:33.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,link, like a jigsaw\Npuzzle link.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.75,0:03:35.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if it's too long,\Nif it's just
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.51,0:03:37.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that split second\Ntoo long,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.72,0:03:40.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will shave letters\Noff of words.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.92,0:03:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You count syllables,\Nyou know,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.44,0:03:44.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to get it just --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.75,0:03:46.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's more like song\Nwriting.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.23,0:03:49.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I had to figure out
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.41,0:03:50.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how to end the thing
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.40,0:03:51.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's\Nthe hardest part:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.69,0:03:52.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you have a long bit,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.95,0:03:54.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the biggest laugh\Nhas to be at the end.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.95,0:03:55.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It has to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.95,0:03:57.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It can't be\Nin the middle,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.22,0:03:58.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the beginning.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.34,0:04:00.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this was very\Ndaunting.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.33,0:04:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Once this pop tart had
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.27,0:04:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"come into the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.16,0:04:06.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I didn't understand\Nwhy we were still
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.42,0:04:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"eating other kinds\Nof food
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.90,0:04:09.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"because this seemed to be
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.14,0:04:12.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"definitely the new way:\N"two in the packet
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.18,0:04:14.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and two slots\Nin the toaster.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.20,0:04:15.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why two, one is not enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.74,0:04:17.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"three is too many
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.42,0:04:18.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"and they can't go stale
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.98,0:04:20.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they were\Nnever fresh."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.66,0:04:23.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They can't go stale
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.83,0:04:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they were\Nnever fresh,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.50,0:04:27.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that took a long time\Nand it --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.95,0:04:29.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know it sounds\Nlike nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.54,0:04:30.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it is nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.66,0:04:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, in my world,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.20,0:04:33.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the wronger something\Nfeels,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.90,0:04:35.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the righter it is.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.98,0:04:38.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, to waste\Nthis much time
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.30,0:04:40.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on something\Nthis stupid is --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.13,0:04:43.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that felt good to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.18,0:04:47.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the exact opposite\Nof what we do
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.99,0:04:49.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,here at the Times.\N
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.69,0:04:52.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is, we spend\Nappropriate amounts
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.50,0:04:55.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of time\Non deserving subjects.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.25,0:04:57.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm the exact\Nopposite of that:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.05,0:05:00.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,inappropriate\Nand undeserving subjects.