0:00:05.150,0:00:07.530
I know you think people will be[br]interested in this

0:00:07.970,0:00:09.220
But they're not.

0:00:11.780,0:00:15.090
I've probably been working[br]on this for two years.

0:00:15.220,0:00:18.840
Two years? I mean, usually I write [br]a book in a couple of days.

0:00:19.020,0:00:21.830
It's a long time[br]to spend on something

0:00:21.830,0:00:23.710
that means[br]absolutely nothing.

0:00:23.710,0:00:25.360
But that's what I do,

0:00:25.360,0:00:27.260
that's what people[br]want me to do,

0:00:27.260,0:00:30.730
is spend a lot of time[br]wastefully,

0:00:31.550,0:00:33.590
so that I can then[br]waste their time.

0:00:34.420,0:00:35.730
Comedy writing is

0:00:36.620,0:00:38.410
something you don't[br]see people doing.

0:00:38.410,0:00:41.570
It's a secretive thing: [br]I've never shown anybody

0:00:41.570,0:00:42.580
this stuff.

0:00:42.580,0:00:44.520
I feel a little funny[br]about it right now,

0:00:44.520,0:00:45.630
to tell you the truth.

0:00:50.250,0:00:52.630
In comedy, what you do is[br]you think of something

0:00:52.630,0:00:54.310
that you think is funny,

0:00:54.310,0:00:55.990
and then you[br]go from there.

0:00:55.990,0:00:57.860
It's a fun thing to say,

0:00:57.860,0:00:59.140
"Pop Tart".

0:00:59.140,0:01:00.150
I like the first line

0:01:00.150,0:01:01.740
to be funny right away:

0:01:01.740,0:01:02.800
When I was a kid

0:01:02.800,0:01:04.550
and they[br]invented the pop tart

0:01:04.550,0:01:06.640
the back of my head[br]blew right off.

0:01:06.640,0:01:09.380
And that got the whole[br]thing started,

0:01:09.380,0:01:12.330
that specific part[br]of my head blew off.

0:01:12.330,0:01:13.360
Not just my head,

0:01:13.360,0:01:14.470
but just the back.

0:01:15.110,0:01:17.900
"It was the 60's[br]and we had toast,

0:01:17.900,0:01:20.640
"we had orange juice[br]that was frozen

0:01:20.640,0:01:22.420
"years in advance,[br]that you had to

0:01:22.420,0:01:23.950
"hack away[br]at with a knife

0:01:23.950,0:01:26.450
"to get a couple of drops[br]and it felt like

0:01:26.450,0:01:27.740
"you're committing[br]a murder

0:01:27.740,0:01:29.870
"before you got[br]on your school bus."

0:01:29.870,0:01:32.430
Then I talk about[br]shredded wheat, which

0:01:32.430,0:01:33.750
was like wrapping[br]your lips

0:01:33.750,0:01:34.860
around a wood chipper.[br]

0:01:34.860,0:01:37.020
"You'd have breakfast and[br]then you had to take

0:01:37.020,0:01:38.680
"two days off[br]for the scars to heal

0:01:38.680,0:01:39.940
"so you could speak[br]again."

0:01:43.730,0:01:45.200
>> You always write on --

0:01:45.200,0:01:46.450
>> Always, yeah, yeah.

0:01:46.990,0:01:48.300
>> Have you ever[br]tried to --

0:01:48.300,0:01:49.640
>> No

0:01:52.670,0:01:54.860
I don't like[br]that cursor flash and

0:01:54.860,0:01:55.950
looking at me like,

0:01:55.950,0:01:57.230
"So?

0:01:57.230,0:01:58.610
What you got?"[br]>> Do you have

0:01:58.610,0:01:59.710
a special pen?

0:01:59.710,0:02:03.240
Yes, the Bic [br]clear-barrel blue

0:02:03.240,0:02:05.710
which I wrote every[br]episode of Seinfeld,

0:02:06.240,0:02:08.090
the TV series,[br]with that pen.

0:02:08.090,0:02:10.810
Larry and I used to[br]write them longhand.

0:02:12.970,0:02:14.590
Oh, cause you can't be[br]in this?

0:02:14.590,0:02:16.310
Aw, that's a drag!

0:02:17.110,0:02:18.120
That was good timing.

0:02:20.430,0:02:22.590
"So in the midst[br]of that dark

0:02:22.590,0:02:24.010
"and hopeless moment,

0:02:24.010,0:02:26.950
"the Pop Tarts[br]suddenly appear

0:02:26.950,0:02:28.580
"in the supermarket

0:02:28.580,0:02:30.950
"and we just stared at it

0:02:30.950,0:02:33.040
"like an alien spacecraft

0:02:33.040,0:02:34.170
"and we were like --

0:02:34.830,0:02:36.210
we were like, erhhh

0:02:37.690,0:02:39.770
"chimps in the dirt[br]playing with sticks."

0:02:39.770,0:02:40.970
What makes that joke

0:02:40.970,0:02:42.170
is you get "chimps",

0:02:43.180,0:02:44.410
"dirt",

0:02:44.410,0:02:46.440
"playing" and "sticks".

0:02:46.960,0:02:49.470
In seven words: four[br]of them are funny.

0:02:49.510,0:02:52.460
Chimps: chimps are funny.

0:02:53.500,0:02:56.580
Then there is the trying[br]to figure out

0:02:56.580,0:02:59.270
as a kid,[br]how did they know

0:02:59.270,0:03:01.190
that there would be[br]a need for a frosted

0:03:01.190,0:03:02.830
fruit-filled[br]heatable rectangle

0:03:02.830,0:03:05.470
in the same shape[br]as the box it comes in,

0:03:05.470,0:03:06.780
and with the same[br]nutrition

0:03:06.780,0:03:07.960
as the box it comes in.

0:03:09.020,0:03:10.880
In the midst[br]of that darkness

0:03:10.880,0:03:12.330
and hopelessness[br]the Kellogg's

0:03:12.330,0:03:13.550
Pop Tart[br]appears

0:03:13.550,0:03:15.010
and they always laugh[br]there

0:03:15.010,0:03:17.920
because that[br]indicates "Oh he's telling

0:03:17.920,0:03:18.860
us a story".[br]

0:03:18.860,0:03:21.370
Then my next joke[br]that I want to get to

0:03:21.370,0:03:23.500
is "chimps in the dirt[br]with sticks".

0:03:23.500,0:03:26.320
So now I'm looking[br]for the connective tissue

0:03:26.320,0:03:28.460
that gives me[br]that really tight,

0:03:28.460,0:03:29.650
smooth

0:03:29.650,0:03:33.750
link, like a jigsaw[br]puzzle link.

0:03:33.750,0:03:35.510
And if it's too long,[br]if it's just

0:03:35.510,0:03:37.720
that split second[br]too long,

0:03:37.720,0:03:40.920
you will shave letters[br]off of words.

0:03:40.920,0:03:43.440
You count syllables,[br]you know,

0:03:43.440,0:03:44.750
to get it just --

0:03:44.750,0:03:46.120
it's more like song[br]writing.

0:03:48.230,0:03:49.410
Then I had to figure out

0:03:49.410,0:03:50.400
how to end the thing

0:03:50.400,0:03:51.690
and that's[br]the hardest part:

0:03:51.690,0:03:52.950
if you have a long bit,

0:03:52.950,0:03:54.950
the biggest laugh[br]has to be at the end.

0:03:54.950,0:03:55.950
It has to be.

0:03:55.950,0:03:57.220
It can't be[br]in the middle,

0:03:57.220,0:03:58.340
or the beginning.

0:03:58.340,0:04:00.330
And this was very[br]daunting.

0:04:00.330,0:04:02.270
"Once this pop tart had

0:04:02.270,0:04:04.160
"come into the world,

0:04:04.160,0:04:06.420
"I didn't understand[br]why we were still

0:04:06.420,0:04:07.780
"eating other kinds[br]of food

0:04:07.900,0:04:09.140
"because this seemed to be

0:04:09.140,0:04:12.180
"definitely the new way:[br]"two in the packet

0:04:12.180,0:04:14.200
"and two slots[br]in the toaster.

0:04:14.200,0:04:15.740
"Why two, one is not enough,

0:04:15.740,0:04:17.420
"three is too many

0:04:17.420,0:04:18.980
"and they can't go stale

0:04:18.980,0:04:20.510
because they were[br]never fresh."

0:04:22.660,0:04:23.830
"They can't go stale

0:04:23.830,0:04:25.280
because they were[br]never fresh,"

0:04:26.500,0:04:27.950
that took a long time[br]and it --

0:04:27.950,0:04:29.540
I know it sounds[br]like nothing.

0:04:29.540,0:04:30.660
And it is nothing.

0:04:30.660,0:04:32.200
You know, in my world,

0:04:32.200,0:04:33.900
the wronger something[br]feels,

0:04:33.900,0:04:35.380
the righter it is.

0:04:35.980,0:04:38.300
So, to waste[br]this much time

0:04:38.300,0:04:40.130
on something[br]this stupid is --

0:04:40.130,0:04:43.010
that felt good to me.

0:04:46.180,0:04:47.990
It's the exact opposite[br]of what we do

0:04:47.990,0:04:49.390
here at the Times.[br]

0:04:50.690,0:04:52.500
Which is, we spend[br]appropriate amounts

0:04:52.500,0:04:55.250
of time[br]on deserving subjects.

0:04:55.250,0:04:57.050
So I'm the exact[br]opposite of that:

0:04:57.050,0:05:00.770
inappropriate[br]and undeserving subjects.