WEBVTT

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How many times have you used
the word "awesome" today?

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Once? Twice? Seventeen times?

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Do you remember what you were describing

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when you used the word?

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No, I didn't think so, because
it's come down to this, people:

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You're using the word incorrectly,

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and tonight I hope to show you

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how to put the "awe" back in "awesome."

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Recently, I was dining at an outdoor cafe,

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and the server came up to our table,

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and asked us if we had dined there before,

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and I said, "Yes, yes, we have."

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And she said, "Awesome."

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And I thought, "Really?

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Awesome or just merely good

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that we decided to visit your restaurant again?"

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The other day, one of my coworkers asked me

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if I could save that file as a PDF,

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and I said, "Well, of course," and he said, "Awesome."

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Seriously, can saving anything as a PDF

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be awesome?

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Sadly, the frequent overuse of the word "awesome"

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has now replaced words like "great" and "thank you."

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So Webster's dictionary defines the word "awesome"

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as fear mingled with admiration or reverence,

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a feeling produced by something majestic.

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Now, with that in mind,

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was your Quiznos sandwich awesome?

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How about that parking space? Was that awesome?

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Or that game the other day? Was that awesome?

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The answer is no, no and no.

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A sandwich can be delicious,

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that parking space can be nearby,

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and that game can be a blowout,

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but not everything can be awesome.

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(Laughter)

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So when you use the word "awesome"

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to describe the most mundane of things,

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you're taking away the very power of the word.

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This author says, "Snowy days

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or finding money in your pants is awesome."

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(Laughter)

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Um, no, it is not,

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and we need to raise the bar for this poor schmuck.
(Laughter)

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So in other words, if you have
everything, you value nothing.

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It's a lot like drinking from a firehose

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like this jackass right here.

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There's no dynamic, there's no highs or lows,

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if everything is awesome.

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Ladies and gentlemen, here are 10 things

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that are truly awesome.

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Imagine, if you will, having to schlep

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everything on your back.

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Wouldn't this be easier for me

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if I could roll this home?

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Yes, so I think I'll invent the wheel.

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The wheel, ladies and gentlemen.

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Is the wheel awesome? Say it with me.

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Yes, the wheel is awesome!

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The Great Pyramids were the tallest

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man-made structure in the world

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for 4,000 years.

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Pharaoh had his slaves move millions of blocks

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just to this site to erect a big freaking headstone.

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Were the Great Pyramids awesome?

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Yes, the pyramids were awesome.

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The Grand Canyon. Come on.

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It's almost 80 million years old.

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Is the Grand Canyon awesome?

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Yes, the Grand Canyon is.

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Louis Daguerre invented photography in 1829,

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and earlier today,

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when you whipped out your smartphone

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and you took a shot of your awesome sandwich,

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and you know who you are —

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(Laughter) —

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wasn't that easier than exposing the image

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to copper plates coated with iodized silver?

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I mean, come on. Is photography awesome?

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Yes, photography is awesome.

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D-Day, June 6, 1944,

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the Allied invasion of Normandy,

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the largest amphibious invasion in world history.

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Was D-Day awesome? Yes, it was awesome.

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Did you eat food today? Did you eat?

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Then you can thank the honeybee, that's the one,

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because if crops aren't pollinated, we can't grow food,

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and then we're all going to die.

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It's just like that.

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But it's not like a flower can just get up

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and have sex with another flower,

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although that would be awesome.

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(Laughter)

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Bees are awesome. Are you kidding me?

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Landing on the moon! Come on!

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Apollo 11. Are you kidding me?

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Sixty-six years after the Wright Brothers

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took off from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina,

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Neil Armstrong was 240,000 miles away.

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That's like from here to the moon.

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(Laughter)

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That's one small step for a man,

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one giant leap for awesome!

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You're damn right, it was.

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Woodstock, 1969: Rolling Stone Magazine said

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this changed the history of rock and roll.

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Tickets were only 24 dollars back then.

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You can't even buy a freaking t-shirt for that now.

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Jimi Hendrix's version of "The Star-Spangled Banner"

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was the most iconic.

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Was Woodstock awesome? Yes, it was awesome.

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Sharks! They're at the top of the food chain.

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Sharks have multiple rows of teeth

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that grow in their jaw

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and they move forward like a conveyor belt.

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Some sharks can lose 30,000 teeth in their lifetime.

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Does awesome inspire fear?

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Oh, hell yeah, sharks are awesome!

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The Internet was born in 1982

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and it instantly took over global communication,

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and later tonight, when all these PowerPoints

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are uplifted to the Internet

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so that a guy in Siberia can get drunk

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and watch this crap,

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the Internet is awesome.

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And finally, finally some of you can't wait

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to come up and tell me how
awesome my PowerPoint was.

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I will save you the time.

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It was not awesome, but it was true,

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and I hope it was entertaining,

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and out of all the audiences I've ever had,

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y'all are the most recent. Thank you and good night.

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(Applause)