WEBVTT 00:00:04.283 --> 00:00:05.480 I would like to talk to you 00:00:05.480 --> 00:00:07.580 about the sausage principle 00:00:08.129 --> 00:00:10.285 the theory that says if you love something, 00:00:10.375 --> 00:00:12.111 never find out how it was made. 00:00:12.111 --> 00:00:15.349 Well, tonight, I would like to show you my sausage. 00:00:15.354 --> 00:00:20.101 wait, wait, wait, wait... 00:00:20.101 --> 00:00:22.169 This is my sausage: 00:00:22.771 --> 00:00:25.690 The 2014 Fifa World Cup 00:00:25.749 --> 00:00:28.154 Ooh My God!!!! 00:00:28.154 --> 00:00:31.414 Ok, the World Cup starts this week 00:00:31.414 --> 00:00:34.243 and I am both excited and extremely conflicted about it. 00:00:34.282 --> 00:00:35.983 Now, I know, in America, 00:00:35.983 --> 00:00:38.931 Soccer is something you pick your ten year old daughter up from. 00:00:38.931 --> 00:00:42.172 but...but for me and everyone else on earth 00:00:42.172 --> 00:00:44.116 It's a little more important. 00:00:44.116 --> 00:00:47.342 Soccer had become Brazil's religion. 00:00:47.342 --> 00:00:50.801 In Colombia, soccer was a religion. 00:00:50.801 --> 00:00:52.177 Football is a religion here 00:00:52.177 --> 00:00:55.205 Soccer, or Football like we say, 00:00:55.205 --> 00:00:56.693 it's a religion. 00:00:56.693 --> 00:00:58.699 Yeah, and they're not exaggerating. 00:00:58.699 --> 00:01:01.303 When David Beckham got a tatoo of Jesus, 00:01:01.303 --> 00:01:03.007 the response of most soccer fans was, 00:01:03.007 --> 00:01:05.328 that's huge for Jesus. 00:01:06.360 --> 00:01:08.563 ...that's a big deal for him. 00:01:10.003 --> 00:01:12.527 Here's my conflict: 00:01:12.527 --> 00:01:14.866 The World Cup is one of my favorite things 00:01:14.866 --> 00:01:18.871 but it's organized by these guys: FIFA 00:01:18.871 --> 00:01:20.785 You either know it as the 00:01:20.785 --> 00:01:24.113 Fédération Internationale de Football Association. 00:01:24.113 --> 00:01:28.272 Or, that soccer video game you have. 00:01:28.272 --> 00:01:30.732 But for Americans viewers who may never 00:01:30.732 --> 00:01:31.801 have encountered them, 00:01:31.801 --> 00:01:34.867 FIFA is a comically grotesque organization. 00:01:34.867 --> 00:01:37.944 In fact, telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA 00:01:37.964 --> 00:01:39.484 For the first time, is a bit like 00:01:39.494 --> 00:01:41.558 showing someone "two girls one cup" 00:01:41.558 --> 00:01:44.130 You do it mainly so you can watch the 00:01:44.130 --> 00:01:46.447 horrified expression on people's faces. 00:01:46.447 --> 00:01:50.121 Because let's start where FIFA is current World Cup 00:01:50.121 --> 00:01:51.365 is about to take place. 00:01:51.707 --> 00:01:55.698 Brazil. Brazilians are excited about everything. 00:01:55.698 --> 00:01:57.687 This is how they celebrate 00:01:57.687 --> 00:02:00.436 the fact that it's just about to be Lent. 00:02:01.726 --> 00:02:05.402 They love the concept of giving up chocolate temporarily. 00:02:05.402 --> 00:02:08.758 They're also the biggest soccer fans on earth. 00:02:08.758 --> 00:02:10.108 So they must be thrilled 00:02:10.108 --> 00:02:12.023 at the prospect of hosting the World Cup. 00:02:12.213 --> 00:02:15.570 It's been months of unrest in some of the city's favelas 00:02:15.570 --> 00:02:19.586 or slums with clashes between police and residents. 00:02:20.028 --> 00:02:22.497 Here people demonstrated against Brazil holding 00:02:22.497 --> 00:02:23.612 The World Cup 00:02:23.612 --> 00:02:24.701 That makes no sense. 00:02:24.701 --> 00:02:26.514 Why would you be unhappy hosting 00:02:26.514 --> 00:02:29.525 the thing that you love the most in all the world? 00:02:29.930 --> 00:02:31.279 The government has spent more 00:02:31.279 --> 00:02:33.338 than eleven billion dollars getting ready. 00:02:33.338 --> 00:02:35.062 The United States team will play its 00:02:35.062 --> 00:02:37.149 second game here in the city of Manaus. 00:02:37.149 --> 00:02:41.445 In this brand new $270 million dollar stadium. 00:02:41.803 --> 00:02:44.723 Manaus is so remote that it's almost impossible 00:02:44.723 --> 00:02:46.117 to reach by car. 00:02:46.117 --> 00:02:47.996 Which is why officials had to have 00:02:47.996 --> 00:02:50.265 the stadium materials brought in by boat. 00:02:50.464 --> 00:02:52.752 Shipped across the Atlantic from Portugal 00:02:52.752 --> 00:02:54.352 and up the Amazon River. 00:02:54.352 --> 00:02:57.069 OK, that does seem like a waste of money 00:02:57.069 --> 00:02:59.617 especially when you consider that that stadium 00:02:59.617 --> 00:03:02.309 is only going to be used for four World Cup games. 00:03:02.414 --> 00:03:05.755 There's also no team in Manaus that can fill it afterwards, 00:03:05.755 --> 00:03:07.970 at which point it becomes the world's 00:03:07.970 --> 00:03:10.939 most expensive bird toilet 00:03:10.939 --> 00:03:13.264 No wonder brazilians are so upset, 00:03:13.264 --> 00:03:15.429 Especially when you think about what they are actually 00:03:15.429 --> 00:03:17.022 getting in return. 00:03:17.022 --> 00:03:20.209 Well, and they're going to make money as well... 00:03:20.209 --> 00:03:22.898 Well actually, FIFA makes the money. 00:03:22.898 --> 00:03:24.114 This is where the controversy is. 00:03:24.114 --> 00:03:26.315 The country usually doesn't make money. 00:03:26.315 --> 00:03:28.553 FIFA, the organization of the World Cup, 00:03:28.553 --> 00:03:29.904 is who makes the money. 00:03:29.904 --> 00:03:32.572 Brazil, let me put this in terms you might understand. 00:03:32.572 --> 00:03:36.846 Think of money as pubic hair and FIFA as wax. 00:03:36.846 --> 00:03:40.426 Oh, they're going to be all over you during the World Cup 00:03:40.426 --> 00:03:43.900 but when they go, they're taking all the money with them. 00:03:43.900 --> 00:03:45.436 Including some from places 00:03:45.436 --> 00:03:48.039 you didn't even know you had any money, 00:03:48.409 --> 00:03:50.240 leaving you teary-eyed going, 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:51.992 "Jesus, what happened here." 00:03:51.992 --> 00:03:54.085 "What, what happened!" 00:03:54.085 --> 00:03:56.621 I'm never doing this again. 00:03:56.621 --> 00:03:59.553 Because here are FIFA's tax demands 00:03:59.553 --> 00:04:01.238 for prospective host countries. 00:04:01.238 --> 00:04:03.907 It is FIFA and its FIFA subsidiaries that are 00:04:03.907 --> 00:04:07.269 fully exempt from any tax whatsoever levied 00:04:07.269 --> 00:04:08.771 at whatever level. 00:04:08.771 --> 00:04:12.149 State level, municipality level, all sorts of taxes. 00:04:12.149 --> 00:04:14.282 Consumption taxes, income taxes, 00:04:14.282 --> 00:04:16.076 you name it, it's all exempt. 00:04:16.076 --> 00:04:18.795 That's right, by Brazil's own estimate, 00:04:18.795 --> 00:04:23.215 they're allowing FIFA to forego $250 million dollars in taxes 00:04:23.215 --> 00:04:25.501 Somewhere, Wesley Snipes is going: 00:04:25.501 --> 00:04:28.137 "So soccer was the answer!" 00:04:28.137 --> 00:04:32.792 "Oh, God, it seems so obvious now" 00:04:32.792 --> 00:04:35.170 Now FIFA says they leave a lot behind. 00:04:35.170 --> 00:04:37.334 Which they do, like, new laws 00:04:37.334 --> 00:04:40.966 because you see once upon a time Brazil did this: 00:04:40.966 --> 00:04:44.542 In 2003, the Brazilian government banned alcohol 00:04:44.542 --> 00:04:47.105 from stadiums because of the enormously high 00:04:47.105 --> 00:04:49.339 death rate amongst fans. 00:04:49.339 --> 00:04:51.154 Well that seems like a good idea! 00:04:51.154 --> 00:04:53.734 Potentially life saving even! 00:04:53.734 --> 00:04:55.782 The only problem is, Budweiser, 00:04:55.782 --> 00:04:57.587 is one of FIFA's key sponsors. 00:04:57.587 --> 00:04:58.737 and they sell a product 00:04:58.737 --> 00:05:01.316 they reflexively insist on calling: beer. 00:05:01.316 --> 00:05:06.331 and FIFA seemed anxious to protect Budweiser 00:05:06.331 --> 00:05:08.638 from a law designed to protect people. 00:05:08.638 --> 00:05:11.499 Which is why the FIFA secretary general went to Brazil 00:05:11.499 --> 00:05:12.752 with a simple message: 00:05:12.752 --> 00:05:14.172 "I'm sorry to say, 00:05:14.172 --> 00:05:16.864 and maybe I look a bit arrogant, but that's something 00:05:16.864 --> 00:05:18.965 we will not negotiate. I mean there will be, 00:05:18.965 --> 00:05:22.873 and there must be, as part of the law, the fact that we 00:05:22.873 --> 00:05:25.564 have the right to sell beer. 00:05:25.564 --> 00:05:28.709 Yes uh, maybe I look a bit arrogant but, uh, 00:05:28.709 --> 00:05:34.465 how you say, uh, fuck your laws and your public safety. 00:05:34.465 --> 00:05:36.231 Is that right? 00:05:36.421 --> 00:05:39.339 And the amazing thing is here, FIFA won. 00:05:39.385 --> 00:05:42.099 They successfully pressured Brazil into passing 00:05:42.099 --> 00:05:46.954 a so called "Budweiser Bill," allowing beer sales in soccer stadiums. 00:05:46.954 --> 00:05:49.225 and at this point you can either be horrified by that 00:05:49.225 --> 00:05:51.294 or relieved that FIFA wasn't also 00:05:51.294 --> 00:05:54.061 sponsored by cocaine and chainsaws. 00:05:54.951 --> 00:05:58.837 And Brazil, Brazil is lucky. 00:05:58.837 --> 00:06:00.697 Brazil's lucky, at least they 00:06:00.697 --> 00:06:03.063 just had FIFA force alcohol on them. 00:06:03.063 --> 00:06:05.846 When South Africa hosted the world cup four years ago, 00:06:05.846 --> 00:06:09.499 FIFA forced the creation of the FIFA World Cup Courts 00:06:09.499 --> 00:06:11.698 Which sound funny, you know it's like 00:06:11.698 --> 00:06:12.860 going to the World Series and being 00:06:12.860 --> 00:06:15.235 dragged in front of judge Philly Phanatic. 00:06:15.235 --> 00:06:19.474 Except, FIFAs courts were no joke. 00:06:19.474 --> 00:06:22.182 Two Zimbabweans who robbed foreign journalists 00:06:22.182 --> 00:06:24.711 on a Wednesday. Were arrested on a Thursday. 00:06:24.711 --> 00:06:28.571 And began fifteen year jail sentences the next day. 00:06:28.571 --> 00:06:31.471 That is unsettlingly fast. 00:06:31.679 --> 00:06:33.732 That's like when you order chinese food 00:06:33.732 --> 00:06:35.364 and it comes five minutes later. 00:06:35.364 --> 00:06:38.552 "Uh, thanks very much but that was too quick!" 00:06:38.836 --> 00:06:42.473 "You didn't have time to make this properly" 00:06:43.228 --> 00:06:47.013 And there is a certain irony in FIFA setting up any 00:06:47.013 --> 00:06:49.368 kind of justice system given the scandals 00:06:49.368 --> 00:06:51.554 that have dogged it over the years. 00:06:51.907 --> 00:06:54.272 "Football's governing body has tried to tackle its 00:06:54.272 --> 00:06:57.444 shady inner workings by suspending two executives 00:06:57.444 --> 00:06:58.869 on corruption charges 00:06:58.869 --> 00:07:00.461 The FIFA scandal rumbles on. 00:07:00.481 --> 00:07:03.682 Jack Warner, who was at the center of bribery accusations 00:07:03.682 --> 00:07:05.348 has resigned as Vice-President. 00:07:05.348 --> 00:07:07.519 There've been so many corruption scandals that 00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:08.516 FIFA have had to deal with 00:07:08.516 --> 00:07:11.907 Bribery and FIFA go together like peanut butter and jelly." 00:07:12.361 --> 00:07:15.091 Yeah, but they shouldn't though. 00:07:15.091 --> 00:07:16.843 Peanut butter and jelly are supposed 00:07:16.843 --> 00:07:17.849 to go together. 00:07:17.849 --> 00:07:19.940 Fifa and bribery should go together like 00:07:19.940 --> 00:07:23.141 peanut butter and a child with a deadly nut alergy. 00:07:23.141 --> 00:07:24.695 "NO, TREVOR, NO! " 00:07:24.695 --> 00:07:27.596 "That's for your brother!" 00:07:27.752 --> 00:07:31.277 And if you think FIFA can't get any more 00:07:31.277 --> 00:07:32.976 cartoonishly evil. 00:07:32.976 --> 00:07:36.860 This is their headquarter's actual boardroom. 00:07:36.860 --> 00:07:39.418 That's right, FIFA apparenty modeled 00:07:39.418 --> 00:07:41.473 where they meet on the war room from 00:07:41.473 --> 00:07:43.640 "Doctor Strange Love" 00:07:43.640 --> 00:07:46.697 That is exhibit A for an organization that does 00:07:46.697 --> 00:07:49.111 not give a shit what you think about them. 00:07:49.111 --> 00:07:53.079 And yet, the head of FIFA maintains that they are merely 00:07:53.079 --> 00:07:55.785 a humble non-profit organization. 00:07:55.785 --> 00:07:58.473 "We are a non-profit organization. 00:07:58.473 --> 00:08:01.151 and we have to remain a non-profit organization." 00:08:01.151 --> 00:08:03.343 "A non-profit with over a billion dollars in the bank?" 00:08:03.343 --> 00:08:06.503 "Yeah but it is a reserve." 00:08:07.240 --> 00:08:08.722 A reserve? 00:08:08.722 --> 00:08:10.937 A reserve of a billion dollars? 00:08:10.937 --> 00:08:13.350 When your rainy day fund is so big 00:08:13.350 --> 00:08:16.666 you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, 00:08:16.666 --> 00:08:20.540 you might not be a non-profit anymore. 00:08:20.540 --> 00:08:25.291 That by the way...that man, the man you just saw 00:08:25.291 --> 00:08:27.813 Is Sepp Blatter and even his name 00:08:27.813 --> 00:08:29.316 should have been a red flag. 00:08:29.316 --> 00:08:32.071 If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum, 00:08:32.071 --> 00:08:34.349 you've strangled someone in a bar fight. 00:08:34.349 --> 00:08:35.827 That's just a fact. 00:08:35.827 --> 00:08:39.394 And let me just give you a taste of Sepp Blatter 00:08:39.394 --> 00:08:40.735 as a human being. 00:08:40.735 --> 00:08:43.738 "Recently he was asked how should women's soccer 00:08:43.738 --> 00:08:44.906 be made more popular? 00:08:44.906 --> 00:08:47.629 He said: "Well, they should wear shorter shorts." 00:08:47.629 --> 00:08:51.150 Great idea, put the ladies in hot pants, 00:08:51.150 --> 00:08:53.915 call it "Foxy Soccer," and uh, while your at it, 00:08:53.915 --> 00:08:55.099 Tighten up the jerseys, 00:08:55.099 --> 00:08:56.846 maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings, 00:08:56.846 --> 00:09:00.397 and --Fuck it, let's just open a hooters. 00:09:01.242 --> 00:09:06.460 FIFA. FIFA, the humble non-profit 00:09:06.738 --> 00:09:09.639 Even recently spent $27 million dollars 00:09:09.639 --> 00:09:11.794 to fun "United Passions," 00:09:11.794 --> 00:09:14.131 a fictionalized version of their history 00:09:14.131 --> 00:09:17.974 starring, for some reason, Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter. 00:09:17.974 --> 00:09:22.706 And this movie, like FIFA itself, looks terrible. 00:09:23.050 --> 00:09:23.959 "We'll be... 00:09:23.959 --> 00:09:29.581 The Fédération Internationale de Football Association. FIFA 00:09:29.581 --> 00:09:33.898 The first World Cup will be held in, Uruguay. 00:09:33.898 --> 00:09:36.191 You have everything you need to run our family, 00:09:37.241 --> 00:09:40.269 but you know, the slightest error, and you're out." 00:09:41.665 --> 00:09:44.195 Who makes a sports film where the heroes 00:09:44.195 --> 00:09:45.973 are the executives? 00:09:46.429 --> 00:09:48.422 And the crazy thing is, 00:09:48.422 --> 00:09:50.951 you don't need two hours and Tim Roth. 00:09:50.951 --> 00:09:52.919 Because the greatest film about Sepp Blatter 00:09:52.919 --> 00:09:54.325 has already been made. 00:09:54.325 --> 00:09:55.783 It's ten seconds long, 00:09:55.783 --> 00:09:57.472 and it's on YouTube. 00:10:06.070 --> 00:10:10.701 That is. Wonderfully, that is the one time 00:10:10.701 --> 00:10:12.147 you can genuinely say: 00:10:12.147 --> 00:10:15.463 "I'm glad that old man fell off that stage." 00:10:15.463 --> 00:10:19.047 But perhaps the worst part of FIFA is not even it's past 00:10:19.047 --> 00:10:21.109 or its present. It's its future. 00:10:21.109 --> 00:10:23.997 Because the host of the 2022 World Cup 00:10:23.997 --> 00:10:25.815 has already been decided. 00:10:26.171 --> 00:10:34.546 "The winner, to organize the 2022 FIFA world cup is: Qatar" 00:10:36.177 --> 00:10:37.741 Qatar? 00:10:37.741 --> 00:10:40.061 There's between one and fifty reasons 00:10:40.061 --> 00:10:42.006 why that is an awful idea. 00:10:42.663 --> 00:10:44.404 Summer temperatures in Qatar can reach 00:10:44.404 --> 00:10:46.452 some 50 degrees Celsius. 00:10:46.452 --> 00:10:49.256 A difficult environment to hold a professional sporting 00:10:49.256 --> 00:10:50.473 event outdoors. 00:10:50.774 --> 00:10:55.950 50 degrees Celsius is 122 degrees Fahrenheit. 00:10:55.950 --> 00:10:57.838 You are hosting the World Cup somewhere where 00:10:57.838 --> 00:11:00.291 soccer cannot physically be played. 00:11:00.291 --> 00:11:05.207 That's like if the NFL chose to host the Superbowl in a lake. 00:11:05.207 --> 00:11:08.842 Now, there are now allegations that some FIFA executives 00:11:08.842 --> 00:11:11.058 took bribes to put the World Cup in Qatar 00:11:11.058 --> 00:11:13.903 and I hope that's true because otherwise, 00:11:13.903 --> 00:11:16.205 it makes literally no sense. 00:11:16.535 --> 00:11:18.077 ...and not just because of the weather, 00:11:18.197 --> 00:11:20.427 but because of the working conditions. 00:11:21.075 --> 00:11:23.892 Qatar is a slave state in the 21st century. 00:11:23.892 --> 00:11:28.100 A migrant worker can't leave the country without an exit visa. 00:11:28.100 --> 00:11:31.548 That visa has to be approved by his employer. 00:11:31.548 --> 00:11:33.141 Who has your passport? 00:11:35.583 --> 00:11:36.441 So you're trapped here? 00:11:37.498 --> 00:11:39.487 We've got coffins coming home every day 00:11:39.487 --> 00:11:43.154 More than a worker per day on average, is dying. 00:11:43.546 --> 00:11:46.608 Conservatively, from the figures of just two countries, 00:11:46.608 --> 00:11:52.477 India and Nepal, more than 4,000 workers will die 00:11:52.477 --> 00:11:55.996 before a ball is kicked off in 2022. 00:11:56.777 --> 00:11:58.669 So what you're essentially saying is... 00:11:58.669 --> 00:12:01.640 the Qatar World Cup is shaping up to be the most deadly 00:12:01.640 --> 00:12:05.136 middle-east construction project since this one. 00:12:05.136 --> 00:12:08.219 And by this point, I hope I've proven to you 00:12:08.219 --> 00:12:10.644 that FIFA is just appalling. 00:12:10.644 --> 00:12:13.274 And yet, here's their power: 00:12:13.730 --> 00:12:18.291 I am still so excited about the World Cup next week! 00:12:18.291 --> 00:12:22.259 And it's very hard to justify how I can get so much joy 00:12:22.259 --> 00:12:24.592 from an organization that's caused so much pain, 00:12:24.592 --> 00:12:27.701 other than going back to right where we started. 00:12:28.644 --> 00:12:32.327 "Soccer, or Football, like we say, it's a religion." 00:12:33.102 --> 00:12:34.296 But it's not just that. 00:12:34.296 --> 00:12:36.104 It's an organized religion, 00:12:36.104 --> 00:12:37.919 and FIFA is it's church. 00:12:38.621 --> 00:12:39.656 Just think about it. 00:12:39.656 --> 00:12:41.363 It's leader is infallible, 00:12:41.363 --> 00:12:43.865 It compels South American countries to spend money 00:12:43.865 --> 00:12:46.275 they don't have building opulent Cathedrals, 00:12:46.767 --> 00:12:48.911 and it may ultimately be responsible for the deaths 00:12:48.911 --> 00:12:51.380 of shocking numbers of people in the Middle East. 00:12:52.317 --> 00:12:59.116 But...but...but...but for millions of people, around the world 00:12:59.116 --> 00:13:02.592 like me, it is also the guardian of the only thing that 00:13:02.592 --> 00:13:04.794 gives their lives any meaning. 00:13:05.987 --> 00:13:08.432 And if that comparison does not make Americans 00:13:08.432 --> 00:13:10.997 love soccer, then frankly nothing will.