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I would like to talk to you

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about the sausage principle

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the theory that says if you love something,

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never find out how it was made.

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Well, tonight, I would like to show you my sausage.

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wait, wait, wait, wait...

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This is my sausage:

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The 2014 Fifa World Cup

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Ooh My God!!!!

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Ok, the World Cup starts this week

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and I am both excited and extremely conflicted about it.

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Now, I know, in America,

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Soccer is something you pick your ten year old daughter up from.

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but...but for me and everyone else on earth

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It's a little more important.

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Soccer had become Brazil's religion.

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In Colombia, soccer was a religion.

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Football is a religion here

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Soccer, or Football like we say,

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it's a religion.

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Yeah, and they're not exaggerating.

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When David Beckham got a tatoo of Jesus,

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the response of most soccer fans was,

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that's huge for Jesus.

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...that's a big deal for him.

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Here's my conflict:

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The World Cup is one of my favorite things

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but it's organized by these guys: FIFA

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You either know it as the

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Fédération Internationale de Football Association.

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Or, that soccer video game you have.

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But for Americans viewers who may never

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have encountered them,

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FIFA is a comically grotesque organization.

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In fact, telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA

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For the first time, is a bit like

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showing someone "two girls one cup"

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You do it mainly so you can watch the

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horrified expression on people's faces.

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Because let's start where FIFA is current World Cup

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is about to take place.

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Brazil. Brazilians are excited about everything.

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This is how they celebrate

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the fact that it's just about to be Lent.

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They love the concept of giving up chocolate temporarily.

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They're also the biggest soccer fans on earth.

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So they must be thrilled

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at the prospect of hosting the World Cup.

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It's been months of unrest in some of the city's favelas

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or slums with clashes between police and residents.

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Here people demonstrated against Brazil holding

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The World Cup

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That makes no sense.

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Why would you be unhappy hosting

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the thing that you love the most in all the world?

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The government has spent more

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than eleven billion dollars getting ready.

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The United States team will play its

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second game here in the city of Manaus.

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In this brand new $270 million dollar stadium.

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Manaus is so remote that it's almost impossible

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to reach by car.

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Which is why officials had to have

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the stadium materials brought in by boat.

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Shipped across the Atlantic from Portugal

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and up the Amazon River.

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OK, that does seem like a waste of money

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especially when you consider that that stadium

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is only going to be used for four World Cup games.

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There's also no team in Manaus that can fill it afterwards,

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at which point it becomes the world's

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most expensive bird toilet

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No wonder brazilians are so upset,

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Especially when you think about what they are actually

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getting in return.

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Well, and they're going to make money as well...

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Well actually, FIFA makes the money.

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This is where the controversy is.

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The country usually doesn't make money.

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FIFA, the organization of the World Cup,

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is who makes the money.

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Brazil, let me put this in terms you might understand.

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Think of money as pubic hair and FIFA as wax.

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Oh, they're going to be all over you during the World Cup

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but when they go, they're taking all the money with them.

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Including some from places

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you didn't even know you had any money,

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leaving you teary-eyed going,

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"Jesus, what happened here."

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"What, what happened!"

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I'm never doing this again.

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Because here are FIFA's tax demands

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for prospective host countries.

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It is FIFA and its FIFA subsidiaries that are

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fully exempt from any tax whatsoever levied

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at whatever level.

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State level, municipality level, all sorts of taxes.

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Consumption taxes, income taxes,

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you name it, it's all exempt.

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That's right, by Brazil's own estimate,

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they're allowing FIFA to forego $250 million dollars in taxes

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Somewhere, Wesley Snipes is going:

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"So soccer was the answer!"

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"Oh, God, it seems so obvious now"

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Now FIFA says they leave a lot behind.

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Which they do, like, new laws

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because you see once upon a time Brazil did this:

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In 2003, the Brazilian government banned alcohol

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from stadiums because of the enormously high

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death rate amongst fans.

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Well that seems like a good idea!

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Potentially life saving even!

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The only problem is, Budweiser,

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is one of FIFA's key sponsors.

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and they sell a product

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they reflexively insist on calling: beer.

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and FIFA seemed anxious to protect Budweiser

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from a law designed to protect people.

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Which is why the FIFA secretary general went to Brazil

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with a simple message:

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"I'm sorry to say,

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and maybe I look a bit arrogant, but that's something

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we will not negotiate. I mean there will be,

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and there must be, as part of the law, the fact that we

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have the right to sell beer.

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Yes uh, maybe I look a bit arrogant but, uh,

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how you say, uh, fuck your laws and your public safety.

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Is that right?

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And the amazing thing is here, FIFA won.

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They successfully pressured Brazil into passing

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a so called "Budweiser Bill," allowing beer sales in soccer stadiums.

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and at this point you can either be horrified by that

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or relieved that FIFA wasn't also

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sponsored by cocaine and chainsaws.

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And Brazil, Brazil is lucky.

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Brazil's lucky, at least they

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just had FIFA force alcohol on them.

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When South Africa hosted the world cup four years ago,

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FIFA forced the creation of the FIFA World Cup Courts

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Which sound funny, you know it's like

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going to the World Series and being

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dragged in front of judge Philly Phanatic.

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Except, FIFAs courts were no joke.

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Two Zimbabweans who robbed foreign journalists

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on a Wednesday. Were arrested on a Thursday.

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And began fifteen year jail sentences the next day.

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That is unsettlingly fast.

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That's like when you order chinese food

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and it comes five minutes later.

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"Uh, thanks very much but that was too quick!"

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"You didn't have time to make this properly"

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And there is a certain irony in FIFA setting up any

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kind of justice system given the scandals

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that have dogged it over the years.

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"Football's governing body has tried to tackle its

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shady inner workings by suspending two executives

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on corruption charges

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The FIFA scandal rumbles on.

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Jack Warner, who was at the center of bribery accusations

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has resigned as Vice-President.

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There've been so many corruption scandals that

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FIFA have had to deal with

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Bribery and FIFA go together like peanut butter and jelly."

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Yeah, but they shouldn't though.

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Peanut butter and jelly are supposed

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to go together.

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Fifa and bribery should go together like

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peanut butter and a child with a deadly nut alergy.

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"NO, TREVOR, NO! "

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"That's for your brother!"

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And if you think FIFA can't get any more

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cartoonishly evil.

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This is their headquarter's actual boardroom.

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That's right, FIFA apparenty modeled

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where they meet on the war room from

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"Doctor Strange Love"

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That is exhibit A for an organization that does

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not give a shit what you think about them.

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And yet, the head of FIFA maintains that they are merely

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a humble non-profit organization.

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"We are a non-profit organization.

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and we have to remain a non-profit organization."

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"A non-profit with over a billion dollars in the bank?"

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"Yeah but it is a reserve."

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A reserve?

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A reserve of a billion dollars?

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When your rainy day fund is so big

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you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks,

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you might not be a non-profit anymore.

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That by the way...that man, the man you just saw

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Is Sepp Blatter and even his name

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should have been a red flag.

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If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum,

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you've strangled someone in a bar fight.

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That's just a fact.

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And let me just give you a taste of Sepp Blatter

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as a human being.

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"Recently he was asked how should women's soccer

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be made more popular?

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He said: "Well, they should wear shorter shorts."

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Great idea, put the ladies in hot pants,

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call it "Foxy Soccer," and uh, while your at it,

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Tighten up the jerseys,

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maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings,

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and --Fuck it, let's just open a hooters.

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FIFA. FIFA, the humble non-profit

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Even recently spent $27 million dollars

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to fun "United Passions,"

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a fictionalized version of their history

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starring, for some reason, Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter.

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And this movie, like FIFA itself, looks terrible.

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"We'll be...

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The Fédération Internationale de Football Association. FIFA

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The first World Cup will be held in, Uruguay.

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You have everything you need to run our family,

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but you know, the slightest error, and you're out."

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Who makes a sports film where the heroes

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are the executives?

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And the crazy thing is,

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you don't need two hours and Tim Roth.

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Because the greatest film about Sepp Blatter

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has already been made.

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It's ten seconds long,

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and it's on YouTube.

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That is. Wonderfully, that is the one time

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you can genuinely say:

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"I'm glad that old man fell off that stage."

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But perhaps the worst part of FIFA is not even it's past

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or its present. It's its future.

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Because the host of the 2022 World Cup

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has already been decided.

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"The winner, to organize the 2022 FIFA world cup is: Qatar"

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Qatar?

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There's between one and fifty reasons

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why that is an awful idea.

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Summer temperatures in Qatar can reach

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some 50 degrees Celsius.

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A difficult environment to hold a professional sporting

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event outdoors.

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50 degrees Celsius is 122 degrees Fahrenheit.

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You are hosting the World Cup somewhere where

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soccer cannot physically be played.

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That's like if the NFL chose to host the Superbowl in a lake.

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Now, there are now allegations that some FIFA executives

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took bribes to put the World Cup in Qatar

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and I hope that's true because otherwise,

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it makes literally no sense.

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...and not just because of the weather,

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but because of the working conditions.

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Qatar is a slave state in the 21st century.

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A migrant worker can't leave the country without an exit visa.

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That visa has to be approved by his employer.

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Who has your passport?

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So you're trapped here?

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We've got coffins coming home every day

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More than a worker per day on average, is dying.

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Conservatively, from the figures of just two countries,

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India and Nepal, more than 4,000 workers will die

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before a ball is kicked off in 2022.

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So what you're essentially saying is...

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the Qatar World Cup is shaping up to be the most deadly

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middle-east construction project since this one.

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And by this point, I hope I've proven to you

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that FIFA is just appalling.

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And yet, here's their power:

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I am still so excited about the World Cup next week!

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And it's very hard to justify how I can get so much joy

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from an organization that's caused so much pain,

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other than going back to right where we started.

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"Soccer, or Football, like we say, it's a religion."

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But it's not just that.

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It's an organized religion,

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and FIFA is it's church.

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Just think about it.

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It's leader is infallible,

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It compels South American countries to spend money

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they don't have building opulent Cathedrals,

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and it may ultimately be responsible for the deaths

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of shocking numbers of people in the Middle East.

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But...but...but...but for millions of people, around the world

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like me, it is also the guardian of the only thing that

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gives their lives any meaning.

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And if that comparison does not make Americans

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love soccer, then frankly nothing will.