0:00:00.716,0:00:04.023
I'm going to share with you[br]a paradigm-shifting perspective

0:00:04.047,0:00:07.322
on the issues of gender violence:[br]sexual assault, domestic violence,

0:00:07.346,0:00:10.514
relationship abuse, sexual harassment,[br]sexual abuse of children.

0:00:10.538,0:00:11.848
That whole range of issues

0:00:11.872,0:00:14.759
that I'll refer to in shorthand[br]as "gender violence issues,"

0:00:14.783,0:00:18.867
they've been seen as women's issues[br]that some good men help out with,

0:00:18.891,0:00:21.666
but I have a problem with that frame[br]and I don't accept it.

0:00:21.690,0:00:24.943
I don't see these as women's issues[br]that some good men help out with.

0:00:24.967,0:00:27.604
In fact, I'm going to argue[br]that these are men's issues,

0:00:27.628,0:00:29.014
first and foremost.

0:00:29.038,0:00:30.226
Now obviously --

0:00:30.250,0:00:31.508
(Applause)

0:00:31.532,0:00:34.416
Obviously, they're also women's issues,[br]so I appreciate that,

0:00:34.440,0:00:39.087
but calling gender violence[br]a women's issue is part of the problem,

0:00:39.111,0:00:40.739
for a number of reasons.

0:00:40.763,0:00:44.237
The first is that it gives men[br]an excuse not to pay attention, right?

0:00:44.261,0:00:46.307
A lot of men hear[br]the term "women's issues"

0:00:46.331,0:00:48.320
and we tend to tune it out, and we think,

0:00:48.344,0:00:51.249
"I'm a guy; that's for the girls,"[br]or "that's for the women."

0:00:51.273,0:00:55.161
And a lot of men literally don't get[br]beyond the first sentence as a result.

0:00:55.185,0:00:57.538
It's almost like a chip[br]in our brain is activated,

0:00:57.562,0:01:00.722
and the neural pathways take[br]our attention in a different direction

0:01:00.746,0:01:02.607
when we hear the term "women's issues."

0:01:02.631,0:01:05.090
This is also true, by the way,[br]of the word "gender,"

0:01:05.114,0:01:07.432
because a lot of people[br]hear the word "gender"

0:01:07.456,0:01:09.036
and they think it means "women."

0:01:09.060,0:01:12.240
So they think that gender issues[br]is synonymous with women's issues.

0:01:12.264,0:01:14.375
There's some confusion[br]about the term gender.

0:01:14.399,0:01:16.984
And let me illustrate[br]that confusion by way of analogy.

0:01:17.008,0:01:18.830
So let's talk for a moment about race.

0:01:18.854,0:01:20.774
In the US, when we hear the word "race,"

0:01:20.798,0:01:23.160
a lot of people think[br]that means African-American,

0:01:23.184,0:01:25.257
Latino, Asian-American, Native American,

0:01:25.281,0:01:28.057
South Asian, Pacific Islander, on and on.

0:01:28.369,0:01:31.281
A lot of people, when they hear[br]the word "sexual orientation"

0:01:31.305,0:01:33.720
think it means gay, lesbian, bisexual.

0:01:33.744,0:01:36.285
And a lot of people,[br]when they hear the word "gender,"

0:01:36.309,0:01:37.463
think it means women.

0:01:37.487,0:01:40.463
In each case, the dominant group[br]doesn't get paid attention to.

0:01:40.487,0:01:43.237
As if white people don't have[br]some sort of racial identity

0:01:43.261,0:01:46.251
or belong to some racial[br]category or construct,

0:01:46.275,0:01:49.811
as if heterosexual people[br]don't have a sexual orientation,

0:01:49.835,0:01:51.935
as if men don't have a gender.

0:01:51.959,0:01:55.737
This is one of the ways that dominant[br]systems maintain and reproduce themselves,

0:01:55.761,0:01:58.350
which is to say the dominant group[br]is rarely challenged

0:01:58.374,0:02:00.034
to even think about its dominance,

0:02:00.058,0:02:03.311
because that's one of the key[br]characteristics of power and privilege,

0:02:03.335,0:02:04.746
the ability to go unexamined,

0:02:04.770,0:02:09.947
lacking introspection, in fact being[br]rendered invisible, in large measure,

0:02:09.971,0:02:13.401
in the discourse about issues[br]that are primarily about us.

0:02:13.425,0:02:16.615
And this is amazing how this works[br]in domestic and sexual violence,

0:02:16.639,0:02:20.206
how men have been largely erased[br]from so much of the conversation

0:02:20.230,0:02:23.221
about a subject[br]that is centrally about men.

0:02:23.245,0:02:25.580
And I'm going to illustrate[br]what I'm talking about

0:02:25.604,0:02:26.952
by using the old tech.

0:02:26.976,0:02:29.683
I'm old school[br]on some fundamental regards.

0:02:29.707,0:02:32.442
I make films and I work with high tech,

0:02:32.466,0:02:35.086
but I'm still old school as an educator,

0:02:35.110,0:02:37.696
and I want to share with you this exercise

0:02:37.720,0:02:40.453
that illustrates[br]on the sentence-structure level

0:02:40.477,0:02:45.008
how the way that we think,[br]literally the way that we use language,

0:02:45.032,0:02:47.175
conspires to keep[br]our attention off of men.

0:02:47.199,0:02:49.386
This is about domestic[br]violence in particular,

0:02:49.410,0:02:52.834
but you can plug in other analogues.

0:02:52.858,0:02:55.922
This comes from the work[br]of the feminist linguist Julia Penelope.

0:02:55.946,0:02:58.114
It starts with a very basic[br]English sentence:

0:02:58.138,0:03:01.567
"John beat Mary."

0:03:01.591,0:03:03.092
That's a good English sentence.

0:03:03.116,0:03:06.602
John is the subject, beat is the verb,[br]Mary is the object, good sentence.

0:03:06.626,0:03:08.840
Now we're going to move[br]to the second sentence,

0:03:08.864,0:03:11.210
which says the same thing[br]in the passive voice.

0:03:11.234,0:03:16.473
"Mary was beaten by John."

0:03:17.564,0:03:20.350
And now a whole lot[br]has happened in one sentence.

0:03:20.374,0:03:22.479
We've gone from "John beat Mary"

0:03:22.503,0:03:24.298
to "Mary was beaten by John."

0:03:24.322,0:03:27.585
We've shifted our focus[br]in one sentence from John to Mary,

0:03:27.609,0:03:30.516
and you can see John is very close[br]to the end of the sentence,

0:03:30.540,0:03:33.506
well, close to dropping[br]off the map of our psychic plain.

0:03:33.530,0:03:35.250
The third sentence, John is dropped,

0:03:35.274,0:03:38.588
and we have, "Mary was beaten,"

0:03:38.612,0:03:40.484
and now it's all about Mary.

0:03:40.508,0:03:43.570
We're not even thinking about John,[br]it's totally focused on Mary.

0:03:43.594,0:03:44.805
Over the past generation,

0:03:44.829,0:03:47.605
the term we've used[br]synonymous with "beaten" is "battered,"

0:03:47.629,0:03:50.676
so we have "Mary was battered."

0:03:51.324,0:03:55.118
And the final sentence in this sequence,[br]flowing from the others, is,

0:03:55.142,0:03:57.816
"Mary is a battered woman."

0:03:57.840,0:04:04.338
So now Mary's very identity --[br]Mary is a battered woman --

0:04:05.673,0:04:08.220
is what was done to her by John[br]in the first instance.

0:04:08.244,0:04:11.460
But we've demonstrated that John[br]has long ago left the conversation.

0:04:11.484,0:04:14.400
Those of us who work[br]in the domestic and sexual violence field

0:04:14.424,0:04:16.941
know that victim-blaming[br]is pervasive in this realm,

0:04:16.965,0:04:19.904
which is to say, blaming the person[br]to whom something was done

0:04:19.928,0:04:21.559
rather than the person who did it.

0:04:21.583,0:04:23.791
And we say: why do they[br]go out with these men?

0:04:23.815,0:04:26.695
Why are they attracted to them?[br]Why do they keep going back?

0:04:26.719,0:04:29.671
What was she wearing at that party?[br]What a stupid thing to do.

0:04:29.695,0:04:32.383
Why was she drinking[br]with those guys in that hotel room?

0:04:32.407,0:04:35.172
This is victim blaming,[br]and there are many reasons for it,

0:04:35.196,0:04:38.802
but one is that our cognitive structure[br]is set up to blame victims.

0:04:38.826,0:04:39.993
This is all unconscious.

0:04:40.017,0:04:42.642
Our whole cognitive structure[br]is set up to ask questions

0:04:42.666,0:04:46.157
about women and women's choices[br]and what they're doing, thinking, wearing.

0:04:46.181,0:04:49.503
And I'm not going to shout down[br]people who ask questions about women.

0:04:49.527,0:04:51.028
It's a legitimate thing to ask.

0:04:51.052,0:04:53.351
But's let's be clear:[br]Asking questions about Mary

0:04:53.375,0:04:56.507
is not going to get us anywhere[br]in terms of preventing violence.

0:04:56.531,0:04:58.592
We have to ask a different[br]set of questions.

0:04:58.616,0:05:02.197
The questions are not about Mary,[br]they're about John.

0:05:02.297,0:05:05.086
They include things like,[br]why does John beat Mary?

0:05:05.110,0:05:08.941
Why is domestic violence still a big[br]problem in the US and all over the world?

0:05:08.965,0:05:11.615
What's going on?[br]Why do so many men abuse physically,

0:05:11.639,0:05:13.825
emotionally, verbally, and other ways,

0:05:13.849,0:05:17.075
the women and girls, and the men and boys,[br]that they claim to love?

0:05:17.099,0:05:18.299
What's going on with men?

0:05:18.678,0:05:22.132
Why do so many adult men[br]sexually abuse little girls and boys?

0:05:22.156,0:05:24.193
Why is that a common problem[br]in our society

0:05:24.345,0:05:25.860
and all over the world today?

0:05:26.224,0:05:27.844
Why do we hear over and over again

0:05:27.868,0:05:31.266
about new scandals erupting[br]in major institutions

0:05:31.290,0:05:34.567
like the Catholic Church[br]or the Penn State football program

0:05:34.591,0:05:36.791
or the Boy Scouts of America,[br]on and on and on?

0:05:36.815,0:05:39.030
And then local communities[br]all over the country

0:05:39.054,0:05:40.219
and all over the world.

0:05:40.243,0:05:41.703
We hear about it all the time.

0:05:41.727,0:05:43.225
The sexual abuse of children.

0:05:43.249,0:05:46.559
What's going on with men?[br]Why do so many men rape women

0:05:46.663,0:05:48.414
in our society and around the world?

0:05:48.438,0:05:50.165
Why do so many men rape other men?

0:05:50.189,0:05:51.736
What is going on with men?

0:05:51.760,0:05:56.728
And then what is the role[br]of the various institutions in our society

0:05:56.752,0:05:59.536
that are helping to produce[br]abusive men at pandemic rates?

0:05:59.560,0:06:01.870
Because this isn't[br]about individual perpetrators.

0:06:01.894,0:06:04.614
That's a naive way to understanding[br]what is a much deeper

0:06:04.638,0:06:06.325
and more systematic social problem.

0:06:06.349,0:06:10.020
The perpetrators aren't these monsters[br]who crawl out of the swamp

0:06:10.044,0:06:12.488
and come into town[br]and do their nasty business

0:06:12.512,0:06:14.431
and then retreat into the darkness.

0:06:14.455,0:06:16.737
That's a very naive notion, right?

0:06:16.761,0:06:20.055
Perpetrators are much more normal[br]than that, and everyday than that.

0:06:20.079,0:06:24.456
So the question is, what are we doing here[br]in our society and in the world?

0:06:24.480,0:06:26.485
What are the roles of various institutions

0:06:26.509,0:06:29.016
in helping to produce abusive men?

0:06:29.040,0:06:31.123
What's the role of religious[br]belief systems,

0:06:31.147,0:06:33.288
the sports culture,[br]the pornography culture,

0:06:33.312,0:06:36.027
the family structure, economics,[br]and how that intersects,

0:06:36.051,0:06:38.290
and race and ethnicity[br]and how that intersects?

0:06:38.314,0:06:39.793
How does all this work?

0:06:39.817,0:06:42.720
And then, once we start making[br]those kinds of connections

0:06:42.744,0:06:45.378
and asking those important[br]and big questions,

0:06:45.402,0:06:47.860
then we can talk about[br]how we can be transformative,

0:06:47.884,0:06:50.335
in other words, how can we do[br]something differently?

0:06:50.359,0:06:51.937
How can we change the practices?

0:06:51.961,0:06:53.967
How can we change[br]the socialization of boys

0:06:53.991,0:06:57.416
and the definitions of manhood[br]that lead to these current outcomes?

0:06:57.440,0:07:00.130
These are the kind of questions[br]that we need to be asking

0:07:00.154,0:07:02.314
and the kind of work[br]that we need to be doing,

0:07:02.338,0:07:05.901
but if we're endlessly focused[br]on what women are doing and thinking

0:07:05.925,0:07:07.612
in relationships or elsewhere,

0:07:07.636,0:07:10.058
we're not going to get to that piece.

0:07:10.082,0:07:11.745
I understand that a lot of women

0:07:11.769,0:07:14.248
who have been trying to speak out[br]about these issues,

0:07:14.272,0:07:16.339
today and yesterday[br]and for years and years,

0:07:16.363,0:07:18.619
often get shouted down for their efforts.

0:07:18.643,0:07:23.639
They get called nasty names[br]like "male-basher" and "man-hater,"

0:07:23.663,0:07:30.205
and the disgusting[br]and offensive "feminazi", right?

0:07:30.229,0:07:31.970
And you know what all this is about?

0:07:31.994,0:07:33.498
It's called kill the messenger.

0:07:33.522,0:07:35.529
It's because the women who are standing up

0:07:35.553,0:07:37.971
and speaking out for themselves[br]and for other women

0:07:37.995,0:07:40.180
as well as for men and boys,

0:07:40.204,0:07:42.576
it's a statement to them[br]to sit down and shut up,

0:07:42.600,0:07:44.208
keep the current system in place,

0:07:44.232,0:07:46.630
because we don't like it[br]when people rock the boat.

0:07:46.654,0:07:49.002
We don't like it when people[br]challenge our power.

0:07:49.026,0:07:51.148
You'd better sit[br]down and shut up, basically.

0:07:51.172,0:07:53.423
And thank goodness[br]that women haven't done that.

0:07:53.447,0:07:55.321
Thank goodness that we live in a world

0:07:55.345,0:07:58.467
where there's so much women's leadership[br]that can counteract that.

0:07:58.491,0:08:01.333
But one of the powerful roles[br]that men can play in this work

0:08:01.357,0:08:04.283
is that we can say some things[br]that sometimes women can't say,

0:08:04.307,0:08:06.690
or, better yet, we can be heard[br]saying some things

0:08:06.714,0:08:08.667
that women often can't be heard saying.

0:08:08.691,0:08:12.173
Now, I appreciate that that's a problem,[br]it's sexism, but it's the truth.

0:08:12.197,0:08:14.095
So one of the things that I say to men,

0:08:14.119,0:08:16.058
and my colleagues and I always say this,

0:08:16.082,0:08:18.767
is we need more men[br]who have the courage and the strength

0:08:18.791,0:08:21.201
to start standing up and saying[br]some of this stuff,

0:08:21.225,0:08:23.326
and standing with women[br]and not against them

0:08:23.350,0:08:26.318
and pretending that somehow[br]this is a battle between the sexes

0:08:26.342,0:08:27.688
and other kinds of nonsense.

0:08:27.712,0:08:29.188
We live in the world together.

0:08:29.212,0:08:31.884
And by the way, one of the things[br]that really bothers me

0:08:31.908,0:08:34.495
about some of the rhetoric[br]against feminists and others

0:08:34.519,0:08:38.221
who have built the battered women's[br]and rape crisis movements around the world

0:08:38.245,0:08:40.749
is that somehow, like I said,[br]that they're anti-male.

0:08:40.773,0:08:44.028
What about all the boys who are profoundly[br]affected in a negative way

0:08:44.052,0:08:47.835
by what some adult man is doing against[br]their mother, themselves, their sisters?

0:08:47.859,0:08:49.135
What about all those boys?

0:08:49.159,0:08:50.927
What about all the young men and boys

0:08:50.951,0:08:53.312
who have been traumatized[br]by adult men's violence?

0:08:53.336,0:08:54.524
You know what?

0:08:54.548,0:08:56.928
The same system that produces[br]men who abuse women,

0:08:56.952,0:08:58.539
produces men who abuse other men.

0:08:58.563,0:09:02.031
And if we want to talk about male victims,[br]let's talk about male victims.

0:09:02.055,0:09:05.361
Most male victims of violence[br]are the victims of other men's violence.

0:09:05.385,0:09:08.171
So that's something that both women[br]and men have in common.

0:09:08.195,0:09:10.076
We are both victims of men's violence.

0:09:10.100,0:09:12.132
So we have it in our direct self-interest,

0:09:12.156,0:09:14.446
not to mention the fact[br]that most men that I know

0:09:14.470,0:09:16.679
have women and girls[br]that we care deeply about,

0:09:16.703,0:09:19.681
in our families and our friendship[br]circles and every other way.

0:09:19.705,0:09:22.354
So there's so many reasons[br]why we need men to speak out.

0:09:22.378,0:09:25.398
It seems obvious saying it[br]out loud, doesn't it?

0:09:25.751,0:09:29.324
Now, the nature of the work[br]that I do and my colleagues do

0:09:29.348,0:09:33.005
in the sports culture[br]and the US military, in schools,

0:09:33.029,0:09:35.877
we pioneered this approach[br]called the bystander approach

0:09:35.901,0:09:37.889
to gender-violence prevention.

0:09:37.913,0:09:41.232
And I just want to give you[br]the highlights of the bystander approach,

0:09:41.256,0:09:43.691
because it's a big thematic shift,

0:09:43.715,0:09:45.536
although there's lots of particulars,

0:09:45.560,0:09:48.858
but the heart of it is,[br]instead of seeing men as perpetrators

0:09:48.882,0:09:50.120
and women as victims,

0:09:50.144,0:09:53.600
or women as perpetrators, men as victims,

0:09:53.624,0:09:55.187
or any combination in there.

0:09:55.211,0:09:56.604
I'm using the gender binary.

0:09:56.628,0:10:00.126
I know there's more than men and women,[br]there's more than male and female.

0:10:00.150,0:10:02.107
And there are women who are perpetrators,

0:10:02.131,0:10:04.278
and of course there are[br]men who are victims.

0:10:04.302,0:10:05.514
There's a whole spectrum.

0:10:05.538,0:10:07.749
But instead of seeing it[br]in the binary fashion,

0:10:07.773,0:10:10.129
we focus on all of us[br]as what we call bystanders,

0:10:10.153,0:10:14.320
and a bystander is defined as anybody[br]who is not a perpetrator or a victim

0:10:14.344,0:10:15.952
in a given situation,

0:10:15.976,0:10:20.014
so in other words friends, teammates,[br]colleagues, coworkers, family members,

0:10:20.038,0:10:23.952
those of us who are not directly[br]involved in a dyad of abuse,

0:10:23.976,0:10:27.298
but we are embedded in social,[br]family, work, school,

0:10:27.322,0:10:29.082
and other peer culture relationships

0:10:29.106,0:10:31.134
with people who might be[br]in that situation.

0:10:31.158,0:10:34.358
What do we do? How do we speak up?[br]How do we challenge our friends?

0:10:34.382,0:10:35.876
How do we support our friends?

0:10:35.900,0:10:38.411
But how do we not remain silent[br]in the face of abuse?

0:10:38.435,0:10:41.121
Now, when it comes[br]to men and male culture,

0:10:41.145,0:10:44.541
the goal is to get men who are not abusive[br]to challenge men who are.

0:10:44.565,0:10:47.812
And when I say abusive, I don't mean just[br]men who are beating women.

0:10:47.836,0:10:52.632
We're not just saying a man whose friend[br]is abusing his girlfriend

0:10:52.656,0:10:55.473
needs to stop the guy[br]at the moment of attack.

0:10:55.497,0:10:59.951
That's a naive way[br]of creating a social change.

0:10:59.975,0:11:03.871
It's along a continuum, we're trying[br]to get men to interrupt each other.

0:11:03.895,0:11:06.823
So, for example, if you're a guy[br]and you're in a group of guys

0:11:06.847,0:11:09.715
playing poker, talking, hanging out,[br]no women present,

0:11:09.739,0:11:16.088
and another guy says something sexist[br]or degrading or harassing about women,

0:11:16.112,0:11:18.964
instead of laughing along[br]or pretending you didn't hear it,

0:11:18.988,0:11:21.005
we need men to say,[br]"Hey, that's not funny.

0:11:21.029,0:11:23.279
that could be my sister[br]you're talking about,

0:11:23.303,0:11:25.267
and could you joke about something else?

0:11:25.291,0:11:27.167
Or could you talk about something else?

0:11:27.191,0:11:29.022
I don't appreciate that kind of talk."

0:11:29.046,0:11:30.691
Just like if you're a white person

0:11:30.715,0:11:33.958
and another white person makes[br]a racist comment, you'd hope, I hope,

0:11:33.982,0:11:36.606
that white people would interrupt[br]that racist enactment

0:11:36.630,0:11:37.867
by a fellow white person.

0:11:37.891,0:11:40.757
Just like with heterosexism,[br]if you're a heterosexual person

0:11:40.781,0:11:43.588
and you yourself don't enact[br]harassing or abusive behaviors

0:11:43.612,0:11:45.822
towards people of varying[br]sexual orientations,

0:11:45.846,0:11:49.566
if you don't say something in the face[br]of other heterosexual people doing that,

0:11:49.590,0:11:52.901
then, in a sense, isn't your silence[br]a form of consent and complicity?

0:11:52.925,0:11:55.760
Well, the bystander approach[br]is trying to give people tools

0:11:55.784,0:11:59.605
to interrupt that process and to speak up[br]and to create a peer culture climate

0:11:59.629,0:12:02.293
where the abusive behavior[br]will be seen as unacceptable,

0:12:02.317,0:12:05.084
not just because it's illegal,[br]but because it's wrong

0:12:05.108,0:12:07.159
and unacceptable in the peer culture.

0:12:07.183,0:12:09.579
And if we can get to the place where men

0:12:09.603,0:12:11.894
who act out in sexist ways[br]will lose status,

0:12:11.918,0:12:13.823
young men and boys who act out in sexist

0:12:13.847,0:12:15.863
and harassing ways[br]towards girls and women,

0:12:15.887,0:12:17.826
as well as towards other boys and men,

0:12:17.850,0:12:20.367
will lose status[br]as a result of it, guess what?

0:12:20.391,0:12:23.372
We'll see a radical[br]diminution of the abuse.

0:12:23.396,0:12:26.043
Because the typical perpetrator[br]is not sick and twisted.

0:12:26.067,0:12:28.761
He's a normal guy[br]in every other way, isn't he?

0:12:28.785,0:12:32.153
Now, among the many great[br]things that Martin Luther King

0:12:32.177,0:12:33.696
said in his short life was,

0:12:33.720,0:12:37.123
"In the end, what will hurt the most[br]is not the words of our enemies

0:12:37.147,0:12:39.201
but the silence of our friends."

0:12:39.225,0:12:42.396
In the end, what will hurt the most[br]is not the words of our enemies

0:12:42.420,0:12:43.935
but the silence of our friends.

0:12:43.959,0:12:46.414
There's been an awful lot[br]of silence in male culture

0:12:46.438,0:12:48.511
about this ongoing tragedy[br]of men's violence

0:12:48.535,0:12:50.505
against women and children, hasn't there?

0:12:50.529,0:12:52.315
There's been an awful lot of silence.

0:12:52.339,0:12:55.191
And all I'm saying is that we need[br]to break that silence,

0:12:55.215,0:12:57.077
and we need more men to do that.

0:12:57.475,0:13:00.774
Now, it's easier said than done,

0:13:00.798,0:13:02.188
because I'm saying it now,

0:13:02.212,0:13:04.686
but I'm telling you[br]it's not easy in male culture

0:13:04.710,0:13:06.611
for guys to challenge each other,

0:13:06.635,0:13:09.016
which is one of the reasons

0:13:09.040,0:13:11.348
why part of the paradigm shift[br]that has to happen

0:13:11.372,0:13:14.110
is not just understanding[br]these issues as men's issues,

0:13:14.134,0:13:16.181
but they're also[br]leadership issues for men.

0:13:16.205,0:13:19.643
Because ultimately, the responsibility[br]for taking a stand on these issues

0:13:19.667,0:13:21.942
should not fall[br]on the shoulders of little boys

0:13:21.966,0:13:24.786
or teenage boys in high school[br]or college men.

0:13:24.810,0:13:26.755
It should be on adult men with power.

0:13:26.779,0:13:29.940
Adult men with power are the ones[br]we need to be holding accountable

0:13:29.964,0:13:31.629
for being leaders on these issues,

0:13:31.653,0:13:33.972
because when somebody[br]speaks up in a peer culture

0:13:33.996,0:13:35.932
and challenges and interrupts,

0:13:35.956,0:13:38.530
he or she is being a leader, really.

0:13:38.554,0:13:41.805
But on a big scale,[br]we need more adult men with power

0:13:41.829,0:13:43.975
to start prioritizing these issues,

0:13:43.999,0:13:46.428
and we haven't seen that yet, have we?

0:13:46.452,0:13:49.858
Now, I was at a dinner[br]a number of years ago,

0:13:49.882,0:13:53.071
and I work extensively[br]with the US military, all the services.

0:13:53.095,0:13:55.937
And I was at this dinner[br]and this woman said to me --

0:13:56.636,0:13:58.793
I think she thought[br]she was a little clever --

0:13:58.817,0:14:03.363
she said, "So how long have you been doing[br]sensitivity training with the Marines?"

0:14:03.387,0:14:06.633
And I said, "With all due respect,

0:14:06.657,0:14:09.186
I don't do sensitivity training[br]with the Marines.

0:14:09.210,0:14:11.488
I run a leadership program[br]in the Marine Corps."

0:14:11.512,0:14:13.586
Now, I know it's a bit[br]pompous, my response,

0:14:13.610,0:14:15.371
but it's an important distinction,

0:14:15.395,0:14:18.544
because I don't believe[br]that what we need is sensitivity training.

0:14:18.568,0:14:21.004
We need leadership training,[br]because, for example,

0:14:21.028,0:14:24.794
when a professional coach or a manager[br]of a baseball team or a football team --

0:14:24.818,0:14:27.124
and I work extensively[br]in that realm as well --

0:14:27.148,0:14:30.351
makes a sexist comment,[br]makes a homophobic statement,

0:14:30.375,0:14:31.916
makes a racist comment,

0:14:31.940,0:14:35.320
there will be discussions on the sports[br]blogs and in sports talk radio.

0:14:35.344,0:14:38.126
And some people will say,[br]"He needs sensitivity training."

0:14:38.150,0:14:40.155
Other people will say, "Well, get off it.

0:14:40.179,0:14:42.349
That's political correctness run amok,

0:14:42.373,0:14:44.177
he made a stupid statement, move on."

0:14:44.201,0:14:46.831
My argument is, he doesn't need[br]sensitivity training.

0:14:46.855,0:14:48.263
He needs leadership training,

0:14:48.287,0:14:49.823
because he's being a bad leader,

0:14:49.847,0:14:52.974
because in a society with gender diversity[br]and sexual diversity --

0:14:52.998,0:14:54.063
(Applause)

0:14:54.087,0:14:55.626
and racial and ethnic diversity,

0:14:55.650,0:14:58.857
you make those kind of comments,[br]you're failing at your leadership.

0:14:58.881,0:15:01.069
If we can make this point that I'm making

0:15:01.093,0:15:03.734
to powerful men and women in our society

0:15:03.758,0:15:06.829
at all levels of institutional[br]authority and power,

0:15:06.853,0:15:10.083
it's going to change[br]the paradigm of people's thinking.

0:15:10.655,0:15:12.161
You know, for example,

0:15:12.185,0:15:14.461
I work a lot in college[br]and university athletics

0:15:14.485,0:15:16.019
throughout North America.

0:15:17.087,0:15:20.902
We know so much about how to prevent[br]domestic and sexual violence, right?

0:15:21.613,0:15:23.985
There's no excuse[br]for a college or university

0:15:24.009,0:15:26.867
to not have domestic and sexual[br]violence prevention training

0:15:26.891,0:15:29.701
mandated for all student athletes,[br]coaches, administrators,

0:15:29.725,0:15:32.073
as part of their educational process.

0:15:32.097,0:15:34.645
We know enough to know[br]that we can easily do that.

0:15:34.669,0:15:36.757
But you know what's missing?[br]The leadership.

0:15:36.781,0:15:39.021
But it's not the leadership[br]of student athletes.

0:15:39.045,0:15:41.175
It's the leadership[br]of the athletic director,

0:15:41.199,0:15:43.710
the president of the university,[br]the people in charge

0:15:43.734,0:15:45.403
who make decisions about resources

0:15:45.427,0:15:48.730
and who make decisions about priorities[br]in the institutional settings.

0:15:48.754,0:15:51.290
That's a failure, in most cases,[br]of men's leadership.

0:15:51.314,0:15:52.508
Look at Penn State.

0:15:52.532,0:15:56.640
Penn State is the mother of all teachable[br]moments for the bystander approach.

0:15:56.664,0:15:59.125
You had so many situations in that realm

0:15:59.149,0:16:02.792
where men in powerful[br]positions failed to act

0:16:02.816,0:16:05.227
to protect children, in this case, boys.

0:16:05.251,0:16:06.504
It's unbelievable, really.

0:16:06.528,0:16:09.611
But when you get into it,[br]you realize there are pressures on men.

0:16:09.635,0:16:12.436
There are constraints[br]within peer cultures on men,

0:16:12.460,0:16:16.644
which is why we need to encourage men[br]to break through those pressures.

0:16:16.668,0:16:18.597
And one of the ways to do that is to say

0:16:18.621,0:16:21.601
there's an awful lot of men[br]who care deeply about these issues.

0:16:21.625,0:16:23.106
I know this, I work with men,

0:16:23.130,0:16:25.309
and I've been working[br]with tens of thousands,

0:16:25.333,0:16:27.697
hundreds of thousands of men[br]for many decades now.

0:16:27.721,0:16:30.195
It's scary, when you think[br]about it, how many years.

0:16:30.219,0:16:33.675
But there's so many men[br]who care deeply about these issues,

0:16:33.699,0:16:35.840
but caring deeply is not enough.

0:16:35.864,0:16:38.354
We need more men with the guts,

0:16:38.378,0:16:41.813
with the courage, with the strength,[br]with the moral integrity

0:16:41.837,0:16:45.829
to break our complicit silence[br]and challenge each other

0:16:45.853,0:16:47.853
and stand with women and not against them.

0:16:48.192,0:16:49.883
By the way, we owe it to women.

0:16:49.907,0:16:51.349
There's no question about it.

0:16:51.373,0:16:52.994
But we also owe it to our sons.

0:16:53.018,0:16:56.237
We also owe it to young men[br]who are growing up all over the world

0:16:56.261,0:16:58.528
in situations where they didn't[br]make the choice

0:16:58.552,0:17:01.925
to be a man in a culture that tells them[br]that manhood is a certain way.

0:17:01.949,0:17:03.615
They didn't make the choice.

0:17:03.639,0:17:08.636
We that have a choice, have an opportunity[br]and a responsibility to them as well.

0:17:08.660,0:17:11.591
I hope that, going forward, men and women,

0:17:11.615,0:17:13.907
working together, can begin the change

0:17:13.931,0:17:15.907
and the transformation that will happen

0:17:15.931,0:17:18.706
so that future generations[br]won't have the level of tragedy

0:17:18.730,0:17:20.506
that we deal with on a daily basis.

0:17:20.530,0:17:22.340
I know we can do it, we can do better.

0:17:22.364,0:17:23.747
Thank you very much.