WEBVTT

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(Music)

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(Everett L Shostrom)Psychotherapy is such
a personal and private process

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that it is a mystery to most people
who have never gone through it

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The following series is a unique effort
that allows us to sit in

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on what is ordinarily
a very private therapeutic experience.

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An actual patient was courageous enough
and considerate enough

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to allow herself to be photographed

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while actually engaged in therapy with
three different therapists.

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Thus we're allowed the privilege
of seeing and feeling

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feeling what really transpires.

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A film series like this,

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in which three therapists distinguished
by their different orientations

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share their therapeutic endeavors
has never been made before.

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We therefore wish to express our gratitude
to Gloria, the patient,

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and to her therapists for allowing us
to share in their therapeutic adventure

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This series will be divided into
three separate films.

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in the first film we see doctor Carl Rogers
founder of client-centered therapy

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interviewing Gloria.

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In film number two, Dr. Frederick Perls,
founder of Gestalt therapy

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is working with her

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and in film number three
Dr. Albert Ellis,

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founder of rational-emotive therapy
is our therapist

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each therapist will first describe
his system of therapy briefly.

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He will then demonstrate
his work with Gloria

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and then he will comment briefly
on his work

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Now here is Dr. Carl Rogers.

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(Carl Rogers) From my own years
of therapeutic experience,

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I have come to feel that
if I can create the proper climate,

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the proper relationship,
the proper conditions,

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a process of therapeutic movement will
almost inevitably occur in my client.

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You may ask: 'What is this climate?
What are these conditions?

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'Will they exist in the interview
with the woman I am about to talk with,

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'and whom I have never seen before?'

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Let me try to describe very briefly
what these conditions are as I see them.

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First of all, one question is,
can I be real in the relationship?

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This has come to have an increasing amount
of importance to me over the years.

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I feel that genuineness
is another way of describing

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the quality I would like to have.

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I like the term 'congruent', by which.
I mean that what I am experiencing inside

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is present in my awareness and comes out
through my communication.

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In a sense, when I have this quality, 
I am all in one piece in the relationship.

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There is another word
that describes it for me.

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I feel that in the relationship,
I would like to have a 'transparency.'

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I would be quite willing for my client
to see all the way through me,

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that there would be nothing,
nothing hidden.

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And when lam real in this fashion
that I'm trying to describe,

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then I know that my own feelings will often
bubble up into awareness

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and be expressed,

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but be expressed in ways that won't
impose themselves on my client.

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Then the second question I would have is,
will I find myself prizing this person,

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caring for this person?

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I certainly don't want to pretend
a caring that I don't feel.

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In fact, if I dislike my client
persistently,

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I feel it is better, that I should express it.

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But I know that the process of therapy
is much more likely to occur

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and constructive change
is much more likely

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if I feel a real spontaneous prizing of
this individual with whom I'm working,

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a prizing of this person
as a separate individual.

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You can call that quality acceptance,
you can call it caring,

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you can call it a non-possessive love
if you wish.

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I think any of those terms
tend to describe it.

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I know that the relationship will prove
more constructive if it's present.

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Then the third quality:

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will I be able to understand
the inner world of this individual

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from the inside?

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And then will I be able to see it
through her eyes?

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Will I be able to be sufficiently sensitive

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to move around
inside the world of her feelings

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so that I know what it feels like to be her,

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so that I can sense not only
the surface meanings,

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but some of the meanings that lie
somewhat underneath the surface.

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I know that if I can let myself
sensitively and accurately

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enter into her world of experience,

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then change and therapeutic movement
are much more likely.

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Well, suppose I am fortunate

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and that I do experience
some of these attitudes

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in the relationship, what then?

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Well, then a variety of things
are likely to happen.

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Both from my clinical experience
and from our research investigations

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we find that if attitudes of the sorts
that I have described are present,

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then quite a number of things will happen.

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She'll explore some of her feelings
and attitudes more deeply.

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She is likely to discover
some hidden aspects of herself

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that she wasn't aware of previously.

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Feeling herself prized by me,

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it is quite possible she'll come
to prize herself more.

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Feeling that some of her meanings
are understood by me,

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then she can more readily perhaps
listen to herself,

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listen to what is going on
within her own experience,

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listen to some of the meanings
she hasn't been able to catch before.

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And perhaps if she senses realness in me,

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she'll be able to be a little more real
within herself.

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I suspect there will be a change
in the manner of her expression,

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at least this has been my experience
in other instances.

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From being rather remote
from her experiencing,

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remote from what is going on within her,

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it's possible that she'll move toward
more immediacy of experiencing,

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that she will be able to sense and express
what's going on in her

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in the immediate moment

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From being disapproving of herself,
it is quite possible

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she will move toward a greater degree
of acceptance of herself.

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From somewhat of a fear of relating,

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she may move toward being able
to relate more directly

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and to encounter me more directly.

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From construing life in somewhat rigid
black and white patterns,'

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she may move toward more tentative ways
of construing her experience

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and of seeing the meanings in it.

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From a locus of evaluation
which is outside of herself,

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it is quite possible she will move
toward recognizing

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a greater capacity within herself for
making judgments and drawing conclusions.

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So those are the some of -- those are some
of the changes that we have.

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If I have any success in creating

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the kind of conditions that I described
initially,

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then we may be able to see
some of these changes in this client

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even though I know in advance that our
contact is going to be very brief. /////

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good morning I'm curious you must be

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Barry yes I am I'm service chair no we

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have half an hour together and I really

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don't know what we'll be able to make of

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it but I hope we can make something else

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be glad to know whatever concerns you

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well I'm right now I'm nervous but I

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feel more comfortable the way you're

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talking in a low voice oh I don't feel

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like you'll be so harsh on me but um I

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hear the tremor in your voice ooh a the

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main thing I want to talk to you about

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is stuff I'm just newly divorced and I

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had gone in therapy before and I felt

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comfortable when I left and all of a

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sudden now the biggest change is

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adjusting to my single life and one of

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the things that bother me the most is

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especially manhe's and having men to the

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house and how it affects the children

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and the biggest thing I want the same

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keeps coming to my mind I want to tell

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you about yes I have a daughter 9 who at

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one time I felt I had a lot of emotional

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problems I wish I could stop shaking and

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I real conscious of things affecting her

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I don't want her to get upset I don't

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want to shock her I want so bad for her

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to accept me and will really open with

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each other especially about sex and the

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other day she saw a girl that was saving

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the pregnant and she asked me all about

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teen girls get pregnant if they're

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single and the conversation was fine and

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I wasn't underneath at all with her

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until she asked me if I'd ever made love

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to a man since I've left her daddy and I

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lied to her and ever since that it keeps

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coming up to my mind cuz I feel so

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guilty lying there there cuz I never

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mind

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wanted to trust me and I want I almost

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want an answer from you I want you to

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tell me if it will affect Iran if I told

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her the truth or would and it is

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concerned about her and the fact that

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you really aren't that this open

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relationship that has existed between

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you and I you feel it kind of yes I feel

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like I have to be on guard about that

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because I didn't when I was a little

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girl when I first found out my mother

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father made love it was dirty and

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terrible and I didn't I didn't like her

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anymore

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for a while and I don't want to lie to

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pan me either and I don't know

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sure wish I could give you the answer as

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to what you should tell her all the

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things you're going to say that because

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what you really want is an answer I want

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to especially know if it would affect

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her if I was completely honest and open

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with her or if it would affect her

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because I lied I feel like it's bound to

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make a strain because I lied to her

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because she'll suspect that or she will

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know something's not quite right fine

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she'll distrust me yes and also I

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thought would she what about when she

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gets a little older and she finds

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herself in touchy situation she probably

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wouldn't want to get it to me because

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she thinks I'm so good and so sweet and

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yet I'm afraid she could think I'm

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really a a devil and I want so bad for

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it except me I don't know how much a

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learner can take and we would both

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alternatives concern you but you might

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think you're too good or better than you

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really are

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yes she might think that you're worse

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than you are not worse than I am

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I don't know she can accept me the way I

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I think I paint a picture that I'm all

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sweet and motherly and I'm not ashamed

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of my shady side too

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it really cuts a little deeper if she

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really knew you would she could she

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accept you this is what I don't know yes

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I don't want to turn away from me I

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don't even know how I feel about it

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because there are times when I feel so

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guilty like when I have the wheel over I

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even try to make a special setup so that

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if I were ever along with them the

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children would never catch me and that

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sort of thing because I'm worried about

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it and yet I also know I have these

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desires let's click here it isn't only

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her problem or the relationship with her

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it's in you as well my guilt oh yeah I

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forgive um so what can I accept myself

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as doing yes and you realize that you

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said observed subterfuges so as to make

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sure that that you're not caught or

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something you realize that you are

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acting from guilt is it yes I don't like

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the way I would like to feel comfortable

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with whatever I do if I choose not to

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tell family the truth to feel

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comfortable that she can't handle it and

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they don't I want to be honest and yet I

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feel there are some areas but I don't

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even accept if you can't accept them in

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yourself how could you possibly be

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comfortable and telling them to her

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right and yet did you say you do have

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these desires and you do have your

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feelings but but you don't feel good

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about

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and I thought you're just gonna sit

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there and let me experiment laughs I

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want more I want you to help me get rid

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of my guilt feeling if I can get rid of

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my guilt feeling about lying or going to

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bed with a single man any of that just

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so I can feel more comfortable and I

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guess I'd like to say no I don't want to

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let's just steal in your feelings but on

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the other hand I also feel that this is

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the kind of very private thing that I

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couldn't possibly answer for you that I

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assure is anything we'll try to help you

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work toward your own answer I don't know

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whether that makes any sense to you but

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I mean it well I appreciate you saying

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that you sound like you mean it but I

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don't know where to go

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I don't begin to know where to go I

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thought that I'd pretty well worked over

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most of my guilt and now that this is

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coming up I'm disappointed in myself

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I really am I want I like it when I feel

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that no matter what I do even if it's

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against my own morals or my upbringing

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but I can still feel good about me

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and now I don't like there's a girl at

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work who sort of mothers me and she just

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she I think she thinks I'm all sweet and

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I sure don't want to show my more ornery

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devilish side with her I want to be

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sweet and it's so hard for me to to

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selfie so nil again it's so

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disappointing yeah I get the

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disappointment that here a lot of these

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things you thought you'd work through

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and now the guilts and a feeling that

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only a part of you is acceptable to

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anybody else yeah that keeps coming out

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I guess I could catch the real deep

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puzzlement that you feel as to what the

00:16:06.420 --> 00:16:09.870
hell shall I do yes and you know what I

00:16:09.870 --> 00:16:12.930
can find doctor is that everything I

00:16:12.930 --> 00:16:15.090
start to do that I impulse it seems

00:16:15.090 --> 00:16:17.370
natural to tell Pierre or to go out on a

00:16:17.370 --> 00:16:18.680
day or something

00:16:18.680 --> 00:16:20.610
uncomfortable until I think how I was

00:16:20.610 --> 00:16:22.680
affected as a child and the minute that

00:16:22.680 --> 00:16:26.430
comes up and I'm all haywire like I want

00:16:26.430 --> 00:16:28.290
to be a good mother so bad and I feel

00:16:28.290 --> 00:16:29.970
like I have a good mother but then

00:16:29.970 --> 00:16:32.160
there's those little exceptions like my

00:16:32.160 --> 00:16:33.930
guilts with working I want to work and

00:16:33.930 --> 00:16:35.610
it's so fun having extra money I like to

00:16:35.610 --> 00:16:37.290
work nice the minute I think I'm not

00:16:37.290 --> 00:16:38.640
being real good to the children are

00:16:38.640 --> 00:16:40.020
giving them enough time then I start

00:16:40.020 --> 00:16:41.940
feeling guilty again then that's when I

00:16:41.940 --> 00:16:43.740
get some what do they call it a double

00:16:43.740 --> 00:16:45.180
line that's just what it feels like I

00:16:45.180 --> 00:16:46.920
want to do this and it feels right but

00:16:46.920 --> 00:16:48.090
after all I'm not being a good mother

00:16:48.090 --> 00:16:49.230
and I want to be both

00:16:49.230 --> 00:16:51.510
I'm coming more and more aware of what a

00:16:51.510 --> 00:16:53.220
perfectionist I am that's what it seems

00:16:53.220 --> 00:16:55.080
like I want to be so perfect you know I

00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:57.090
want to become perfect in my standards

00:16:57.090 --> 00:16:59.850
or not have that need anymore or I guess

00:16:59.850 --> 00:17:03.090
I hear it a little differently that what

00:17:03.090 --> 00:17:05.819
you want us to seem perfect but it means

00:17:05.819 --> 00:17:09.780
a great matter of great importance to

00:17:09.780 --> 00:17:12.630
you to be a good mother and you want to

00:17:12.630 --> 00:17:14.400
seem to be a good mother even if some of

00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:17.970
your actual feelings differ from them is

00:17:17.970 --> 00:17:19.800
it okay yeah I feel like I'm saying that

00:17:19.800 --> 00:17:22.770
no that is what I feel really I want to

00:17:22.770 --> 00:17:25.230
approve of me always but my actions

00:17:25.230 --> 00:17:29.770
won't let me I want to prove with me

00:17:29.770 --> 00:17:34.480
I realize you alright let me understand

00:17:34.480 --> 00:17:37.990
it the sound of your actions are kind of

00:17:37.990 --> 00:17:39.640
outside of you you want to approve of

00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:44.110
you but what you do somehow won't let

00:17:44.110 --> 00:17:49.990
you approve of your site like I feel but

00:17:49.990 --> 00:17:51.640
I could approve with myself regarding

00:17:51.640 --> 00:17:54.640
for example my sex life it is the big

00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:56.920
thing if I really fell in love the man

00:17:56.920 --> 00:17:59.020
and I respected him and I adored him I

00:17:59.020 --> 00:18:00.850
don't think I feel so guilty

00:18:00.850 --> 00:18:02.410
going to bed with him I don't think I'd

00:18:02.410 --> 00:18:03.790
have to make up any excuses to the

00:18:03.790 --> 00:18:04.929
children because they could see my

00:18:04.929 --> 00:18:07.179
natural caring form but when they have

00:18:07.179 --> 00:18:09.370
the physical desire and I'll say over

00:18:09.370 --> 00:18:10.000
why not

00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:12.550
and I want to anyway then I feel guilty

00:18:12.550 --> 00:18:14.260
afterwards I hate pleasing the kids I

00:18:14.260 --> 00:18:15.730
don't like looking at myself and I

00:18:15.730 --> 00:18:18.160
really enjoy it and this is what I mean

00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:20.170
if the circumstances would be different

00:18:20.170 --> 00:18:21.550
I don't think it's also guilty because I

00:18:21.550 --> 00:18:24.640
feel right about it yeah I guess I hear

00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:26.770
you saying if if what I was doing when I

00:18:26.770 --> 00:18:28.210
went to bed with a man was really

00:18:28.210 --> 00:18:30.580
genuine and full of love and respect and

00:18:30.580 --> 00:18:33.040
so on I wouldn't feel guilty in relation

00:18:33.040 --> 00:18:35.500
to Pam I wouldn't I really would be

00:18:35.500 --> 00:18:37.600
comfortable about that so I said yes and

00:18:37.600 --> 00:18:39.970
I know that sounds like I want a perfect

00:18:39.970 --> 00:18:42.700
situation but that is how I feel and in

00:18:42.700 --> 00:18:44.410
the meantime I can't stop these desires

00:18:44.410 --> 00:18:46.840
I've tried that also I've tried saying

00:18:46.840 --> 00:18:48.490
okay I don't like myself when I do that

00:18:48.490 --> 00:18:51.100
so I would do it anymore but then I

00:18:51.100 --> 00:18:52.540
resent the children I think why should

00:18:52.540 --> 00:18:53.860
they stop me from doing what I want and

00:18:53.860 --> 00:18:59.600
it's really not that bad

00:18:59.600 --> 00:19:02.270
that I guess I heard just saying - that

00:19:02.270 --> 00:19:06.470
wasn't only the

00:19:06.470 --> 00:19:09.230
that I guess I heard you saying to them

00:19:09.230 --> 00:19:11.990
isn't only the children you don't like

00:19:11.990 --> 00:19:14.269
it as well honey it really isn't I'm

00:19:14.269 --> 00:19:16.370
sure that I know that's it probably even

00:19:16.370 --> 00:19:19.309
more so than I'm aware of that I all

00:19:19.309 --> 00:19:20.929
love it so much when I pick it up in the

00:19:20.929 --> 00:19:24.940
children then I can also moans in myself

00:19:24.940 --> 00:19:30.379
somehow sometimes you kind of feel like

00:19:30.379 --> 00:19:32.500
blaming in for the feelings you have and

00:19:32.500 --> 00:19:35.750
why should they cut you off from a

00:19:35.750 --> 00:19:39.320
normal sex life well a sex life I could

00:19:39.320 --> 00:19:40.850
say not rule because there is something

00:19:40.850 --> 00:19:42.919
about me that says that smell they don't

00:19:42.919 --> 00:19:46.009
think to just go into sex because you

00:19:46.009 --> 00:19:47.840
feel physically attractive or something

00:19:47.840 --> 00:19:50.570
or a physical need so something about it

00:19:50.570 --> 00:19:56.259
tells me that's not quite right anyway

00:19:56.259 --> 00:20:00.590
it's akhil really the times you're

00:20:00.590 --> 00:20:02.750
acting in ways that are not in occurred

00:20:02.750 --> 00:20:05.679
with your own inner standards right

00:20:05.679 --> 00:20:09.649
great but then we're also saying a

00:20:09.649 --> 00:20:11.480
minute ago but to feel you can't help

00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:11.779
that

00:20:11.779 --> 00:20:15.590
yeah I wish I could that's it and I

00:20:15.590 --> 00:20:17.690
can't now I feel like I can't control

00:20:17.690 --> 00:20:19.250
myself as well as I could have before

00:20:19.250 --> 00:20:21.440
for a specific reason now I can't I just

00:20:21.440 --> 00:20:23.149
let go and I have there's too many

00:20:23.149 --> 00:20:24.470
things I do wrong that I have to feel

00:20:24.470 --> 00:20:29.640
guilty for and I sure don't like that

00:20:29.640 --> 00:20:32.130
I want you very much to give me a direct

00:20:32.130 --> 00:20:33.750
answer and I'm going to ask it and I

00:20:33.750 --> 00:20:36.059
don't expect a direct answer but I want

00:20:36.059 --> 00:20:40.049
to know do you feel that to me the most

00:20:40.049 --> 00:20:41.760
important thing is to be open and honest

00:20:41.760 --> 00:20:43.590
and if I can be able to notice with my

00:20:43.590 --> 00:20:45.270
joy do you feel that it could handle

00:20:45.270 --> 00:20:47.130
them if for example I could say to PME I

00:20:47.130 --> 00:20:49.920
was I felt bad lying to the PME and I

00:20:49.920 --> 00:20:51.480
want to tell you the truth now and if I

00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:54.150
tell her the truth and she shocked at me

00:20:54.150 --> 00:20:55.980
which she's upset but that could bother

00:20:55.980 --> 00:21:00.179
her more I want to get rid of my job so

00:21:00.179 --> 00:21:01.260
that will help me but I don't want to

00:21:01.260 --> 00:21:04.110
put him on her okay he thought I could

00:21:04.110 --> 00:21:09.270
hurt her I'm sorry I guess I'm sure this

00:21:09.270 --> 00:21:11.070
will sound evasive to you but it seems

00:21:11.070 --> 00:21:13.410
to me that perhaps the person you're not

00:21:13.410 --> 00:21:19.860
being fully honest glib is you because I

00:21:19.860 --> 00:21:21.540
was very much struck by the fact that

00:21:21.540 --> 00:21:25.200
you were saying if I feel all right

00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:28.230
about what I have done but it's going to

00:21:28.230 --> 00:21:30.299
beg you the man or what if I really feel

00:21:30.299 --> 00:21:32.460
all right about it then I don't have any

00:21:32.460 --> 00:21:34.620
concern about what I would tell him or

00:21:34.620 --> 00:21:38.100
all my relationships with me right all

00:21:38.100 --> 00:21:47.230
right then I hear what you're saying

00:21:47.230 --> 00:21:49.510
then all right then I want to work on I

00:21:49.510 --> 00:21:51.909
want to work on accepting me them I want

00:21:51.909 --> 00:21:54.389
to work on feeling all right about it

00:21:54.389 --> 00:21:56.679
now that makes sense that that will come

00:21:56.679 --> 00:21:57.880
natural and then I will have to worry

00:21:57.880 --> 00:22:01.690
about him but when things don't seem so

00:22:01.690 --> 00:22:03.100
wrong for me and I have an impostor

00:22:03.100 --> 00:22:09.820
driven how can I accept that what you'd

00:22:09.820 --> 00:22:12.460
like to do is to feel more accepting

00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:15.010
toward yourself when you do things that

00:22:15.010 --> 00:22:17.679
you feel are wrong right

00:22:17.679 --> 00:22:22.480
I feel like like I'm saying yeah I feel

00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:23.590
like you're going to say no why do you

00:22:23.590 --> 00:22:26.620
think they're wrong and I have mixed

00:22:26.620 --> 00:22:28.899
feelings there too to therapy I'll say

00:22:28.899 --> 00:22:30.669
no look I know this is natural women

00:22:30.669 --> 00:22:32.110
feel it sure we don't talk about a lot

00:22:32.110 --> 00:22:34.419
socially so all women fill it in it's

00:22:34.419 --> 00:22:36.190
very natural I've had sex for the last

00:22:36.190 --> 00:22:38.230
11 years and of course going to want it

00:22:38.230 --> 00:22:40.389
but I still think it's wrong unless

00:22:40.389 --> 00:22:42.070
you're really truly in love with a man

00:22:42.070 --> 00:22:46.149
and my body doesn't seem to agree that's

00:22:46.149 --> 00:22:49.149
why I don't know how to accept it sounds

00:22:49.149 --> 00:22:52.210
like a triangle to me doesn't it you

00:22:52.210 --> 00:22:55.389
feel that I or therapists in general or

00:22:55.389 --> 00:22:57.399
other people say it's alright it's

00:22:57.399 --> 00:23:01.750
alright natural huh go ahead and I guess

00:23:01.750 --> 00:23:03.789
you feel your body sort of lines up on

00:23:03.789 --> 00:23:05.950
that side of the picture but something

00:23:05.950 --> 00:23:09.519
in you says but I don't like it that way

00:23:09.519 --> 00:23:13.290
not much it's really right

00:23:13.290 --> 00:23:28.830
right

00:23:28.830 --> 00:23:34.590
I have a hopeful sign those are all the

00:23:34.590 --> 00:23:36.330
things I sorted for myself and I feel

00:23:36.330 --> 00:23:41.850
the okay now what if you this is the

00:23:41.850 --> 00:23:44.460
conflict and it's just being soluble and

00:23:44.460 --> 00:23:47.130
therefore its focus and here you look to

00:23:47.130 --> 00:23:48.660
me and I don't seem to give you any help

00:23:48.660 --> 00:23:52.860
than what I am I really really can't

00:23:52.860 --> 00:23:54.240
answer for me I have to figure it out

00:23:54.240 --> 00:23:56.070
myself but I want you to guide me or

00:23:56.070 --> 00:23:59.550
show me where to start or so it won't

00:23:59.550 --> 00:24:02.640
look so hopeless I know I can keep

00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:03.930
living with this conflict and I know

00:24:03.930 --> 00:24:05.550
eventually things would work out but I

00:24:05.550 --> 00:24:07.230
like feeling more comfortable with the

00:24:07.230 --> 00:24:13.970
way I live

00:24:13.970 --> 00:24:16.800
anything I meant is what is it you wish

00:24:16.800 --> 00:24:21.000
I would say to you I wish you would say

00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:23.030
to me

00:24:23.030 --> 00:24:27.590
to be honest and take the risk that Pam

00:24:27.590 --> 00:24:31.130
is going to accept me and I also have a

00:24:31.130 --> 00:24:32.570
feeling if I could really risk it with

00:24:32.570 --> 00:24:35.510
Pammy of all people that I'd be able to

00:24:35.510 --> 00:24:36.950
see here's this little kid that can

00:24:36.950 --> 00:24:38.930
accept me and under they know about that

00:24:38.930 --> 00:24:40.640
if she really knows what a demon I am

00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:42.530
and still loves me and accepts me it

00:24:42.530 --> 00:24:43.910
seems like it would help me to accept me

00:24:43.910 --> 00:24:45.460
more like it's really not that bad I

00:24:45.460 --> 00:24:47.690
want you to say to go ahead and be

00:24:47.690 --> 00:24:51.260
honest but I don't want any sponsor

00:24:51.260 --> 00:24:54.230
berry but it would upset her that's

00:24:54.230 --> 00:24:56.590
right I might be something you know yeah

00:24:56.590 --> 00:24:59.600
you know very well what you'd like to do

00:24:59.600 --> 00:25:01.910
in relationship you would like to be

00:25:01.910 --> 00:25:04.220
yourself and you'd like to have her know

00:25:04.220 --> 00:25:06.170
that you're not perfect and do things

00:25:06.170 --> 00:25:08.300
that maybe even she wouldn't approval to

00:25:08.300 --> 00:25:10.120
disapprove of to some degree yourself

00:25:10.120 --> 00:25:14.600
but that somehow she would love you and

00:25:14.600 --> 00:25:19.110
accept you as an imperfect person

00:25:19.110 --> 00:25:21.179
like I wonder if my mother had been more

00:25:21.179 --> 00:25:22.679
open with world maybe I would have had

00:25:22.679 --> 00:25:25.230
such a narrow attitude about sex if I

00:25:25.230 --> 00:25:26.549
would have thought that she could be you

00:25:26.549 --> 00:25:29.070
know pretty sexy and corny and devilish

00:25:29.070 --> 00:25:30.779
too but I would look at her as being

00:25:30.779 --> 00:25:32.639
such a sweet mother than she could also

00:25:32.639 --> 00:25:34.169
be the other side but she didn't talk

00:25:34.169 --> 00:25:36.269
about that maybe that's where I got my

00:25:36.269 --> 00:25:37.860
picture I don't know but I want Tami to

00:25:37.860 --> 00:25:40.679
see me as a full woman but also accept

00:25:40.679 --> 00:25:45.679
me you know it's not so I'm certain I

00:25:45.679 --> 00:25:50.850
don't do you mean what I mean is you've

00:25:50.850 --> 00:25:52.470
been sitting there telling me just what

00:25:52.470 --> 00:25:53.909
you would like to do in that

00:25:53.909 --> 00:25:59.220
relationship with him I would but I

00:25:59.220 --> 00:26:00.960
don't quite take the risk of doing it

00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:04.739
Leslie already tells me that yes I guess

00:26:04.739 --> 00:26:07.889
one thing that I feel very keenly is

00:26:07.889 --> 00:26:20.560
it's an awfully risky thing to live

00:26:20.560 --> 00:26:22.660
maybe taking a chance on your

00:26:22.660 --> 00:26:26.230
relationship with her taking a chance on

00:26:26.230 --> 00:26:36.220
letting her know who you were really

00:26:36.220 --> 00:26:38.890
even if I don't take a chance if I still

00:26:38.890 --> 00:26:40.270
have an accepted buyer I'm never going

00:26:40.270 --> 00:26:45.160
to sell it about it anyway if your love

00:26:45.160 --> 00:26:48.610
and acceptance of you is based on a

00:26:48.610 --> 00:26:51.850
false picture of you what the hell is

00:26:51.850 --> 00:26:57.490
the good of that but I also feeling a

00:26:57.490 --> 00:27:00.490
lot of responsibility with being a

00:27:00.490 --> 00:27:00.820
mother

00:27:00.820 --> 00:27:03.100
what Idol I don't want to feel like I've

00:27:03.100 --> 00:27:04.780
caused any big traumas and the children

00:27:04.780 --> 00:27:06.130
they don't like all that responsibility

00:27:06.130 --> 00:27:08.380
that's what I don't like feeling it

00:27:08.380 --> 00:27:12.040
could be my fault because that's what I

00:27:12.040 --> 00:27:17.860
meant when I said life is risky to take

00:27:17.860 --> 00:27:20.260
the responsibility for being a person

00:27:20.260 --> 00:27:22.870
you would like to be with her is a

00:27:22.870 --> 00:27:26.590
however responsibility it is a very

00:27:26.590 --> 00:27:30.010
frightening the only way I look at it

00:27:30.010 --> 00:27:32.200
two ways I like to see myself as being

00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:34.480
so honest with the kids and really being

00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:35.830
proud of myself though that no matter

00:27:35.830 --> 00:27:37.810
what I told them or no matter how bad

00:27:37.810 --> 00:27:39.460
they may think I was I was honest and

00:27:39.460 --> 00:27:41.560
down deep it's going to be a much more

00:27:41.560 --> 00:27:43.720
wholesome relationship and yet you know

00:27:43.720 --> 00:27:45.790
I get jealous like when they're with

00:27:45.790 --> 00:27:48.430
their daddy I feel he's more flip he's

00:27:48.430 --> 00:27:49.960
not quite as real he's not quite as

00:27:49.960 --> 00:27:51.910
honest but nevertheless they see a sweet

00:27:51.910 --> 00:27:52.930
picture of their dad

00:27:52.930 --> 00:27:54.610
you know mozell Phyllis tonight and I'm

00:27:54.610 --> 00:27:56.710
envious of that too I want them to see

00:27:56.710 --> 00:27:58.730
was just too sweet if they see him

00:27:58.730 --> 00:28:00.520
I know he's not quite as well with them

00:28:00.520 --> 00:28:02.660
so it seems like I've got to swap the

00:28:02.660 --> 00:28:05.090
one for the other and I know this is

00:28:05.090 --> 00:28:07.490
really what I want the most but I miss

00:28:07.490 --> 00:28:12.140
some of that glory so feel I want them

00:28:12.140 --> 00:28:14.300
to have just as nice a picture of me as

00:28:14.300 --> 00:28:16.310
the head of their dad that is a little

00:28:16.310 --> 00:28:17.390
funny

00:28:17.390 --> 00:28:19.760
then maybe nine I'll have to be - I

00:28:19.760 --> 00:28:21.140
think that's putting a little too strong

00:28:21.140 --> 00:28:27.290
that's close I just bring me I know she

00:28:27.290 --> 00:28:29.030
can have that literature of me if I were

00:28:29.030 --> 00:28:32.180
honest decide that I do go I'm Luna

00:28:32.180 --> 00:28:34.550
honored and dad anyway so I'm like you

00:28:34.550 --> 00:28:38.830
do more things that they disapprove of

00:28:38.830 --> 00:28:41.420
sounds are you really find it quite hard

00:28:41.420 --> 00:28:44.810
to believe what they would really love

00:28:44.810 --> 00:28:47.960
you if they knew that's right you know

00:28:47.960 --> 00:28:52.090
that's exactly it before therapy

00:28:52.090 --> 00:28:54.250
who she cares about need a picture of me

00:28:54.250 --> 00:28:57.400
if I were honest the fact that I do go

00:28:57.400 --> 00:28:59.350
on loan will honor their dad anyway

00:28:59.350 --> 00:29:01.330
unlikely bill more things that said

00:29:01.330 --> 00:29:06.760
disapproval so you really find it quite

00:29:06.760 --> 00:29:10.060
hard to believe but they would really

00:29:10.060 --> 00:29:13.030
love you if they knew you that's right

00:29:13.030 --> 00:29:14.410
you know that's exactly it

00:29:14.410 --> 00:29:16.810
before therapy I would have definitely

00:29:16.810 --> 00:29:19.000
chosen the other area I'm going to get

00:29:19.000 --> 00:29:21.100
respect remain no matter what even if I

00:29:21.100 --> 00:29:21.760
have to lie

00:29:21.760 --> 00:29:24.070
alright now I know that's not true and

00:29:24.070 --> 00:29:25.690
I'm not positive

00:29:25.690 --> 00:29:27.880
they'll truly accept me something tells

00:29:27.880 --> 00:29:29.200
me they will I know diva but I'm not

00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:29.680
positive

00:29:29.680 --> 00:29:32.740
I'll agree sure I keep wanting this in

00:29:32.740 --> 00:29:35.830
kind of a no-man's land of probably

00:29:35.830 --> 00:29:37.930
shifting from one point of view to them

00:29:37.930 --> 00:29:39.850
to another that boy I'd sure like

00:29:39.850 --> 00:29:41.710
somebody to say that's right you go

00:29:41.710 --> 00:29:43.330
ahead and do it yes that's why I get

00:29:43.330 --> 00:29:44.650
encouraged when I read in a book from

00:29:44.650 --> 00:29:46.690
somebody I respect and admire but this

00:29:46.690 --> 00:29:47.800
is the right thing no matter what

00:29:47.800 --> 00:29:49.450
honesty will win out well then that

00:29:49.450 --> 00:29:50.920
keeps giving with compliments by gosh

00:29:50.920 --> 00:29:55.690
and right it it's a damn hard day really

00:29:55.690 --> 00:29:58.150
choose something on their own isn't it

00:29:58.150 --> 00:30:00.340
which makes me feel very immature I

00:30:00.340 --> 00:30:01.840
don't like this I mean I wish I were

00:30:01.840 --> 00:30:03.460
great live enough for mature enough to

00:30:03.460 --> 00:30:05.740
make my decisions we stick by them but I

00:30:05.740 --> 00:30:07.660
need somebody to help me on somebody to

00:30:07.660 --> 00:30:12.180
push me

00:30:12.180 --> 00:30:15.220
so she can approach yourself for that I

00:30:15.220 --> 00:30:18.400
guess until why if I was anybody if I

00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:20.350
was grown up I'd be mature enough to

00:30:20.350 --> 00:30:24.390
decide things like this price them right

00:30:24.390 --> 00:30:27.430
and take more risk I wish that take more

00:30:27.430 --> 00:30:30.370
risks I wish that I could just go ahead

00:30:30.370 --> 00:30:31.750
and be this with any however the

00:30:31.750 --> 00:30:33.400
children go up I've done with this I

00:30:33.400 --> 00:30:34.510
didn't have to constantly have this

00:30:34.510 --> 00:30:36.820
conflict and I glide Satan used to say

00:30:36.820 --> 00:30:38.410
no matter what you ask me kids at least

00:30:38.410 --> 00:30:39.610
I told you the truth you may not have

00:30:39.610 --> 00:30:41.350
liked it but it's been the truth that's

00:30:41.350 --> 00:30:44.860
all now I can admire I just respect

00:30:44.860 --> 00:30:46.660
people that lie I hate it so you see

00:30:46.660 --> 00:30:48.190
what a good learner I am is I hate

00:30:48.190 --> 00:30:50.020
myself if I'm bad but I also hate myself

00:30:50.020 --> 00:30:50.970
if I lie

00:30:50.970 --> 00:30:54.310
so it's accepting you want to become

00:30:54.310 --> 00:31:00.640
more accepting I guess judging here tone

00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:02.260
of voice you sound as when you hate

00:31:02.260 --> 00:31:04.930
yourself more when you live and do in

00:31:04.930 --> 00:31:07.600
terms of things you disappear really I

00:31:07.600 --> 00:31:09.700
do because this was really bothered me

00:31:09.700 --> 00:31:11.020
this happen with family about a month

00:31:11.020 --> 00:31:12.790
ago and it keeps coming to learn I don't

00:31:12.790 --> 00:31:14.200
know whether to go back and talk to her

00:31:14.200 --> 00:31:14.680
about it

00:31:14.680 --> 00:31:16.840
oh wait she may have even forgotten what

00:31:16.840 --> 00:31:19.960
she asked me that though everyone does

00:31:19.960 --> 00:31:24.160
you haven't forgotten I have no I like

00:31:24.160 --> 00:31:25.450
at least be able to tell her this I

00:31:25.450 --> 00:31:27.430
remember lying and I'm sorry lied and

00:31:27.430 --> 00:31:33.790
it's been driving me bugs because I did

00:31:33.790 --> 00:31:36.010
I don't know I feel like now that's

00:31:36.010 --> 00:31:37.750
solved and I don't even solve a thing

00:31:37.750 --> 00:31:44.410
but I feel relieved I am I just feel

00:31:44.410 --> 00:31:46.570
like you've been saying to me you're not

00:31:46.570 --> 00:31:48.250
giving me advice but I feel like you're

00:31:48.250 --> 00:31:50.980
saying you really want to know what

00:31:50.980 --> 00:31:52.630
pattern you want to follow Gloria and go

00:31:52.630 --> 00:31:54.280
ahead and follow it that's what I feel

00:31:54.280 --> 00:31:58.120
stacking up for you I guess the way I

00:31:58.120 --> 00:32:02.440
sense it is you've been telling me that

00:32:02.440 --> 00:32:05.230
you know what you want to do and yes I

00:32:05.230 --> 00:32:07.270
do believe in backing up people and what

00:32:07.270 --> 00:32:12.820
they want to do just a little different

00:32:12.820 --> 00:32:17.690
slant from the way it seems to you

00:32:17.690 --> 00:32:19.850
are you tell me one thing that concerns

00:32:19.850 --> 00:32:24.110
me it's no damn good you're doing

00:32:24.110 --> 00:32:28.130
something that you haven't really chosen

00:32:28.130 --> 00:32:30.850
to do that's why I'm trying to help you

00:32:30.850 --> 00:32:33.650
find out what's your own inner choices

00:32:33.650 --> 00:32:39.050
in and there's also a conflict there

00:32:39.050 --> 00:32:41.000
because I'm not really positive what I

00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:43.100
want to do the lying part yes but I'm

00:32:43.100 --> 00:32:44.750
not positive what I want to do when I go

00:32:44.750 --> 00:32:46.910
against myself like when I bring in the

00:32:46.910 --> 00:32:48.560
end of the house I'm not sure I want to

00:32:48.560 --> 00:32:50.210
do that if I feel guilty afterwards

00:32:50.210 --> 00:32:54.670
unless not really wanted to just to say

00:32:54.670 --> 00:32:56.690
just sure which words you use but you

00:32:56.690 --> 00:32:58.160
don't want it you don't like yourself or

00:32:58.160 --> 00:32:59.690
you don't agree with it when you do

00:32:59.690 --> 00:33:06.430
something against yourself

00:33:06.430 --> 00:33:08.650
you know this is so different now this

00:33:08.650 --> 00:33:09.640
kind of thing that we're talking about

00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:10.210
now

00:33:10.210 --> 00:33:11.410
it isn't just knowing whether you want

00:33:11.410 --> 00:33:12.760
to do something or not if I want to go

00:33:12.760 --> 00:33:13.870
to work in the morning or I don't want

00:33:13.870 --> 00:33:15.820
to go to look that's easy but when I

00:33:15.820 --> 00:33:17.650
find myself doing something I don't feel

00:33:17.650 --> 00:33:19.780
comfortable with I automatically say if

00:33:19.780 --> 00:33:21.280
you're not comfortable glory it's not

00:33:21.280 --> 00:33:22.510
right something's wrong

00:33:22.510 --> 00:33:24.310
all right now what I want to ask you is

00:33:24.310 --> 00:33:26.080
how can I know which is the strongest

00:33:26.080 --> 00:33:27.670
because I do it does that mean that the

00:33:27.670 --> 00:33:30.790
strongest and yet if I disapprove that's

00:33:30.790 --> 00:33:31.900
just part of the thing that's got to go

00:33:31.900 --> 00:33:34.690
on with it see it sounds like you I'm

00:33:34.690 --> 00:33:36.280
picking up a contradiction I'm letting

00:33:36.280 --> 00:33:38.400
you know falling

00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:41.380
some of you feeling a contradiction in

00:33:41.380 --> 00:33:44.860
yourself team oh you what I heard you

00:33:44.860 --> 00:33:48.640
saying in part is the way you like it

00:33:48.640 --> 00:33:50.200
is when you feel really comfortable

00:33:50.200 --> 00:33:53.350
about what you're doing yes and I have

00:33:53.350 --> 00:33:55.590
at times when I've made a decision

00:33:55.590 --> 00:33:57.670
now that seems right that feels

00:33:57.670 --> 00:33:59.320
perfectly right no conflict but then

00:33:59.320 --> 00:34:01.660
there are times I do things that I feel

00:34:01.660 --> 00:34:03.250
uncomfortable with so that there is the

00:34:03.250 --> 00:34:06.930
conflict there it's not the same at all

00:34:06.930 --> 00:34:09.280
so what I'm saying is how I really know

00:34:09.280 --> 00:34:10.810
when I'm falling my true feelings if I

00:34:10.810 --> 00:34:12.340
have conflicts afterwards or guilt

00:34:12.340 --> 00:34:15.610
afterwards I see because in the moment

00:34:15.610 --> 00:34:16.960
that may seem like your true feelings

00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:21.480
yes like if I'm starting to do it okay

00:34:21.480 --> 00:34:26.580
so it really is tough

00:34:26.580 --> 00:34:29.590
and if you feel comfortable in a moment

00:34:29.590 --> 00:34:31.418
about it but then after it don't feel at

00:34:31.418 --> 00:34:34.389
all comfortable which course of action

00:34:34.389 --> 00:34:35.469
is really the one you should have

00:34:35.469 --> 00:34:37.389
followed the most outstanding thing I

00:34:37.389 --> 00:34:38.679
don't know if you follow me when I say

00:34:38.679 --> 00:34:40.510
about this conflict the one thing I know

00:34:40.510 --> 00:34:42.460
is I boil it for example to leave my

00:34:42.460 --> 00:34:44.440
husband for quite a few years I never

00:34:44.440 --> 00:34:46.000
did it I kept thinking how nice it would

00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:47.530
be or how scary it would be but I never

00:34:47.530 --> 00:34:49.600
did it and all of a sudden when I did it

00:34:49.600 --> 00:34:51.429
felt right I didn't feel mean toward him

00:34:51.429 --> 00:34:52.869
I just knew this is what I had to do

00:34:52.869 --> 00:34:55.000
that's what I know and following myself

00:34:55.000 --> 00:34:57.250
I'm fine my feelings completely had no

00:34:57.250 --> 00:34:59.200
conflict there some of the happy things

00:34:59.200 --> 00:35:01.000
came from it but I still had no conflict

00:35:01.000 --> 00:35:02.860
that to me is will in following my

00:35:02.860 --> 00:35:05.500
feelings and in everyday life the small

00:35:05.500 --> 00:35:06.970
little decisions the small little things

00:35:06.970 --> 00:35:08.550
to do don't come out that clear at all

00:35:08.550 --> 00:35:11.860
so many conflicts coming if it's natural

00:35:11.860 --> 00:35:14.770
although you're saying I expect it is

00:35:14.770 --> 00:35:17.410
but but you're saying TV you know

00:35:17.410 --> 00:35:19.060
perfectly well of feeling within

00:35:19.060 --> 00:35:21.970
yourself that occurs when you're really

00:35:21.970 --> 00:35:24.880
doing something it's right for you I do

00:35:24.880 --> 00:35:28.660
I do and I miss that feeling other times

00:35:28.660 --> 00:35:31.690
it's better way a clue to me you can

00:35:31.690 --> 00:35:33.010
really listen to yourself sometimes

00:35:33.010 --> 00:35:35.740
realize no no this isn't the vague

00:35:35.740 --> 00:35:38.170
feeling this isn't this isn't the way I

00:35:38.170 --> 00:35:40.270
would feel if I was doing that I

00:35:40.270 --> 00:35:42.370
we wanted to do but yet many times I'll

00:35:42.370 --> 00:35:43.570
go along and do it anyway

00:35:43.570 --> 00:35:45.640
and say oh well I'm in the situation

00:35:45.640 --> 00:35:51.100
I'll just remember next time I mentioned

00:35:51.100 --> 00:35:52.810
this one a lot in therapy and most

00:35:52.810 --> 00:35:54.070
therapists granite knee or gig or

00:35:54.070 --> 00:35:55.900
something when I say utopia but when I

00:35:55.900 --> 00:35:57.790
do fall or feeling and I feel this good

00:35:57.790 --> 00:35:59.590
feeling inside me that's sort of utopia

00:35:59.590 --> 00:36:01.090
that's what I mean that's the way I like

00:36:01.090 --> 00:36:02.650
to feel whether it's a bad thing or a

00:36:02.650 --> 00:36:05.520
good thing but I feel right about me

00:36:05.520 --> 00:36:08.830
that's what you'll knows utopian moments

00:36:08.830 --> 00:36:10.600
you really feel kind of whole you feel

00:36:10.600 --> 00:36:13.750
all in one piece yeah yeah it gives me a

00:36:13.750 --> 00:36:15.010
choked up feeling when you say that

00:36:15.010 --> 00:36:16.780
because I don't get that as often as I'd

00:36:16.780 --> 00:36:19.870
like I like that whole feeling that's

00:36:19.870 --> 00:36:22.240
real precious to me xscape none of us

00:36:22.240 --> 00:36:24.070
get it as often as we like but I really

00:36:24.070 --> 00:36:30.780
do understand

00:36:30.780 --> 00:36:33.359
don't touch you didn't and you know

00:36:33.359 --> 00:36:35.430
we're also are just thinking I thought

00:36:35.430 --> 00:36:40.750
he's done saying it

00:36:40.750 --> 00:36:42.760
all of a sudden isn't on here is Betsy

00:36:42.760 --> 00:36:44.410
on right I can talk to you and I want

00:36:44.410 --> 00:36:46.510
you to approve of me and I respect you

00:36:46.510 --> 00:36:49.119
but I miss what my father can talk to me

00:36:49.119 --> 00:36:51.099
like you are way I'd like to say to you

00:36:51.099 --> 00:36:56.500
like you for my father I only know one

00:36:56.500 --> 00:36:58.270
that came to me you look to me like a

00:36:58.270 --> 00:37:09.050
pretty nice gutter

00:37:09.050 --> 00:37:11.960
but you really do miss the fact that you

00:37:11.960 --> 00:37:14.980
couldn't be open with your own game

00:37:14.980 --> 00:37:17.450
you know I couldn't be open below I

00:37:17.450 --> 00:37:19.190
won't blame it on him I think I'm more

00:37:19.190 --> 00:37:21.860
open than hit alarm II mean II would

00:37:21.860 --> 00:37:22.220
never

00:37:22.220 --> 00:37:27.980
this will be talk like you are and not

00:37:27.980 --> 00:37:30.440
disapprove but not blowing me down it

00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:31.880
yeah I thought of this year the day why

00:37:31.880 --> 00:37:33.650
do I always have to be so perfect I'm

00:37:33.650 --> 00:37:35.750
why he always wanted me to be perfect I

00:37:35.750 --> 00:37:39.560
always had to be better and yeah is that

00:37:39.560 --> 00:37:42.470
it was trying like hell to be the girl

00:37:42.470 --> 00:37:44.690
he wants you to be you have to same time

00:37:44.690 --> 00:37:45.770
my darling thank you

00:37:45.770 --> 00:37:47.150
like I almost started writing in the

00:37:47.150 --> 00:37:48.770
letter the other day and telling him I'm

00:37:48.770 --> 00:37:50.180
a waitress which I expected to

00:37:50.180 --> 00:37:51.830
disapprove of like while at nights and I

00:37:51.830 --> 00:37:54.020
I always quoted hanging back like no how

00:37:54.020 --> 00:37:56.570
do you like me and yet I really want

00:37:56.570 --> 00:37:59.510
acceptance and love from him I mean I

00:37:59.510 --> 00:38:01.790
really never use slapping and say this

00:38:01.790 --> 00:38:03.110
is what I am seeing

00:38:03.110 --> 00:38:05.450
yeah but it amazed me how do you like it

00:38:05.450 --> 00:38:07.010
but you know what I think I want him to

00:38:07.010 --> 00:38:08.930
say and this was you all along for me

00:38:08.930 --> 00:38:12.830
and I really love you I guess you really

00:38:12.830 --> 00:38:17.270
feel badly you think there's very little

00:38:17.270 --> 00:38:21.650
chance you'll say that well maybe it

00:38:21.650 --> 00:38:24.860
isn't here I went back home in about two

00:38:24.860 --> 00:38:26.840
years ago really really to let him know

00:38:26.840 --> 00:38:29.180
I loved him although I bit later him but

00:38:29.180 --> 00:38:31.040
he doesn't hear me he just keeps saying

00:38:31.040 --> 00:38:32.810
things like honey you know I love you

00:38:32.810 --> 00:38:34.850
you know I've always loved doing shit up

00:38:34.850 --> 00:38:39.320
in here

00:38:39.320 --> 00:38:43.740
never really known you and loved you and

00:38:43.740 --> 00:38:46.740
this somehow is what brings the tears in

00:38:46.740 --> 00:38:50.190
time I don't know what it is you know

00:38:50.190 --> 00:38:53.240
what it

00:38:53.240 --> 00:38:57.440
never really known you and loved you and

00:38:57.440 --> 00:39:00.079
this somehow is what brings the tears

00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:03.410
inside I don't know what it is

00:39:03.410 --> 00:39:04.849
you know want to talk about it it feels

00:39:04.849 --> 00:39:07.010
more flip if I just sit still it it

00:39:07.010 --> 00:39:08.599
feels like a great big hurt down there

00:39:08.599 --> 00:39:09.790
did I

00:39:09.790 --> 00:39:18.440
mm-hmm much much easier to be a little

00:39:18.440 --> 00:39:22.130
flip because then you don't feel that

00:39:22.130 --> 00:39:27.290
big lump inside over and again that's a

00:39:27.290 --> 00:39:28.369
hopeless situation

00:39:28.369 --> 00:39:31.819
I tried working on it and I feel

00:39:31.819 --> 00:39:33.770
thinking I have to accept my father just

00:39:33.770 --> 00:39:35.480
isn't the type of reality like I'd like

00:39:35.480 --> 00:39:37.030
somebody more understanding and caring

00:39:37.030 --> 00:39:40.160
he cares but not in the way that we

00:39:40.160 --> 00:39:45.980
cooperate and communicate you'll note

00:39:45.980 --> 00:39:51.079
that I am permanently cheated hmm that's

00:39:51.079 --> 00:39:53.390
why I like substitutes like I like

00:39:53.390 --> 00:39:55.460
talking to you and I like limit I can

00:39:55.460 --> 00:39:59.720
respect doctors on my I keep sort of

00:39:59.720 --> 00:40:01.549
maybe underneath feeling like we're real

00:40:01.549 --> 00:40:02.630
close you know and it's sort of like a

00:40:02.630 --> 00:40:06.430
substitute father

00:40:06.430 --> 00:40:10.120
I don't feel this became

00:40:10.120 --> 00:40:12.790
well they're not really my father no I

00:40:12.790 --> 00:40:15.510
meant about the real close business

00:40:15.510 --> 00:40:18.130
we'll see I think about pretending to

00:40:18.130 --> 00:40:20.140
because I can't expect you to feel very

00:40:20.140 --> 00:40:22.380
close to me you don't know me that well

00:40:22.380 --> 00:40:26.290
all I can do is what I am feeling that

00:40:26.290 --> 00:40:40.380
is I feel close to you in this moment

00:40:40.380 --> 00:40:43.100
in spite of feeling initially

00:40:43.100 --> 00:40:44.850
artificiality of the situation

00:40:44.850 --> 00:40:47.760
particularly the hot light I very

00:40:47.760 --> 00:40:51.780
quickly became oblivious to the outside

00:40:51.780 --> 00:40:55.910
situation and I think the Gloria did too

00:40:55.910 --> 00:40:59.450
in many ways I'm glad that she kept

00:40:59.450 --> 00:41:02.810
pushing me for an answer to her Rea

00:41:02.810 --> 00:41:06.750
personal questions about her sex life

00:41:06.750 --> 00:41:09.440
and her relationship to her daughter I

00:41:09.440 --> 00:41:13.410
say I'm glad of this because as the

00:41:13.410 --> 00:41:16.109
relationship developed it became I think

00:41:16.109 --> 00:41:19.010
completely clear to her as well as to me

00:41:19.010 --> 00:41:21.540
that she was seeking something a good

00:41:21.540 --> 00:41:24.359
deal deeper than that incidentally I'd

00:41:24.359 --> 00:41:28.740
like to pay my tribute to her deep

00:41:28.740 --> 00:41:31.320
honesty and being willing to talk about

00:41:31.320 --> 00:41:35.700
herself so freely although every

00:41:35.700 --> 00:41:39.119
individual is entirely unique and in

00:41:39.119 --> 00:41:41.850
this respect I was definitely unprepared

00:41:41.850 --> 00:41:43.350
for and sometimes surprised by the

00:41:43.350 --> 00:41:45.900
material she brought up still in another

00:41:45.900 --> 00:41:48.540
sense this was very typical of my

00:41:48.540 --> 00:41:52.080
experiences in therapy when I'm able

00:41:52.080 --> 00:41:54.780
really to let myself enter into a

00:41:54.780 --> 00:41:57.930
relationship and I feel that this was

00:41:57.930 --> 00:42:01.350
true in this instance then I find myself

00:42:01.350 --> 00:42:04.619
not only being increasingly moved by

00:42:04.619 --> 00:42:06.900
being in touch with the inner world of

00:42:06.900 --> 00:42:09.660
my client but I find myself bringing out

00:42:09.660 --> 00:42:12.960
of my own inner experience statements

00:42:12.960 --> 00:42:15.450
which seem to have no connection with

00:42:15.450 --> 00:42:18.150
what's going on but which usually proved

00:42:18.150 --> 00:42:20.940
to be approved to have a very

00:42:20.940 --> 00:42:23.190
significant relationship to what the

00:42:23.190 --> 00:42:25.890
client is experiencing I felt there were

00:42:25.890 --> 00:42:28.710
one or two incidents of this kind

00:42:28.710 --> 00:42:33.960
in this brief interview I was genuinely

00:42:33.960 --> 00:42:36.510
moved I probably showed it by the fact

00:42:36.510 --> 00:42:38.369
that she told me near the end of the

00:42:38.369 --> 00:42:42.750
contact she saw me as the father she

00:42:42.750 --> 00:42:46.200
would like to have my reply was also a

00:42:46.200 --> 00:42:49.049
thoroughly spontaneous one that she

00:42:49.049 --> 00:42:50.490
seemed to me like a pretty nice daughter

00:42:50.490 --> 00:42:56.309
I guess I feel that we were only playing

00:42:56.309 --> 00:42:58.619
the real world of relationships when I

00:42:58.619 --> 00:43:01.289
talk about such an experience in terms

00:43:01.289 --> 00:43:04.799
of transference and countertransference

00:43:04.799 --> 00:43:08.369
I feel quite deeply about that I want to

00:43:08.369 --> 00:43:11.670
say yes we can put this experience and

00:43:11.670 --> 00:43:14.309
do some such highly intellectualized

00:43:14.309 --> 00:43:16.650
framework that when we do that it

00:43:16.650 --> 00:43:21.059
completely misses the point of the very

00:43:21.059 --> 00:43:23.700
immediate eval quality of the

00:43:23.700 --> 00:43:28.339
relationship at such moments I felt that

00:43:28.339 --> 00:43:31.559
Gloria and I really encountered each

00:43:31.559 --> 00:43:35.670
other and that in some small but I

00:43:35.670 --> 00:43:38.430
believe lasting way we were each of us

00:43:38.430 --> 00:43:42.690
enriched by the experience I'm saying

00:43:42.690 --> 00:43:45.329
these things almost immediately after

00:43:45.329 --> 00:43:47.670
the conclusion of the interview and as

00:43:47.670 --> 00:43:50.039
is characteristic of me there are not

00:43:50.039 --> 00:43:51.809
more than one or two statements or

00:43:51.809 --> 00:43:54.270
incidents which I recall from the

00:43:54.270 --> 00:43:56.579
interview I simply know that I was very

00:43:56.579 --> 00:44:01.460
much present in the relationship that I

00:44:01.460 --> 00:44:04.049
lived it in the moment of its occurrence

00:44:04.049 --> 00:44:07.140
and I realized that after a time I may

00:44:07.140 --> 00:44:09.420
begin to remember it too but at the

00:44:09.420 --> 00:44:12.750
present time I really have a very

00:44:12.750 --> 00:44:15.230
nonspecific memory of the whole

00:44:15.230 --> 00:44:19.920
interview I'll try to look at it though

00:44:19.920 --> 00:44:22.680
a little bit more from a intellectual

00:44:22.680 --> 00:44:24.599
rather than a strictly feeling point of

00:44:24.599 --> 00:44:28.170
view Gloria showed that I've come to

00:44:28.170 --> 00:44:31.200
feel our characteristic elements of

00:44:31.200 --> 00:44:33.930
therapeutic movement in the first part

00:44:33.930 --> 00:44:35.910
of the interview she was talking about

00:44:35.910 --> 00:44:36.950
her feeling

00:44:36.950 --> 00:44:39.410
and they were past feelings she was

00:44:39.410 --> 00:44:41.000
talking about aspects of her behavior

00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:44.330
and of herself as if she didn't quite

00:44:44.330 --> 00:44:45.550
own them

00:44:45.550 --> 00:44:49.510
she was looking outside herself for a

00:44:49.510 --> 00:44:52.340
center or locus of evaluation some

00:44:52.340 --> 00:44:57.530
source of authority she saw some of the

00:44:57.530 --> 00:44:59.030
things she was talking about in fairly

00:44:59.030 --> 00:45:03.590
black-and-white - fashion by the end of

00:45:03.590 --> 00:45:06.500
the interview she was experiencing her

00:45:06.500 --> 00:45:09.080
feelings in the immediate moment not

00:45:09.080 --> 00:45:12.590
only as evidenced by her tears but by

00:45:12.590 --> 00:45:16.700
her ability to express very directly and

00:45:16.700 --> 00:45:20.560
with immediacy her feelings toward me

00:45:20.560 --> 00:45:23.830
she was also much more aware of her

00:45:23.830 --> 00:45:26.930
ability to make her own judgments and

00:45:26.930 --> 00:45:31.850
choices I guess put in terms that have

00:45:31.850 --> 00:45:34.460
become somewhat commonplace you could

00:45:34.460 --> 00:45:37.310
say that she moved from the there and

00:45:37.310 --> 00:45:42.710
then of her life to the here and now of

00:45:42.710 --> 00:45:44.570
elements that she was discovering in

00:45:44.570 --> 00:45:47.600
herself and feelings that she was

00:45:47.600 --> 00:45:49.940
experiencing in the moment in her

00:45:49.940 --> 00:45:56.060
relationship with me all in all I feel

00:45:56.060 --> 00:45:59.360
good about the interview I guess I feel

00:45:59.360 --> 00:46:01.850
good about myself in the interview and

00:46:01.850 --> 00:46:05.270
like Gloria I feel very real regret that

00:46:05.270 --> 00:46:18.710
the relationship cannot continue

00:46:18.710 --> 00:46:26.040
you

00:46:26.040 --> 00:46:32.790
I am to interview a patient and I'd like

00:46:32.790 --> 00:46:34.800
to give you some thumbnail sketch of

00:46:34.800 --> 00:46:39.690
what Gestalt therapy stands for Agatha

00:46:39.690 --> 00:46:44.480
is working on an equation awareness

00:46:44.480 --> 00:46:49.710
equal Pleasant time equal reality in

00:46:49.710 --> 00:46:52.020
contrast to depth psychology we try to

00:46:52.020 --> 00:46:56.160
get hold of the obvious of the surface

00:46:56.160 --> 00:46:58.470
of the situation in which we find

00:46:58.470 --> 00:47:01.560
ourselves and to develop the emerging to

00:47:01.560 --> 00:47:06.480
start strictly on the eye and thou it

00:47:06.480 --> 00:47:11.460
now basis any escape into the future or

00:47:11.460 --> 00:47:14.250
the past is the exam as a likely

00:47:14.250 --> 00:47:20.490
resistance against the ongoing encounter

00:47:20.490 --> 00:47:25.600
modern man has edited even up so much of

00:47:25.600 --> 00:47:28.330
his potential but his ability to cope

00:47:28.330 --> 00:47:30.310
with his existence becomes very

00:47:30.310 --> 00:47:35.510
impoverished my aim is this

00:47:35.510 --> 00:47:37.910
the patient should recover his lost

00:47:37.910 --> 00:47:41.210
potential he should integrate the

00:47:41.210 --> 00:47:44.510
conflicting celeritas understand the

00:47:44.510 --> 00:47:46.310
difference between being playing

00:47:46.310 --> 00:47:49.930
especially the playing of verbal games

00:47:49.930 --> 00:47:54.020
on the one hand and of genuine authentic

00:47:54.020 --> 00:47:57.859
be a confident behavior on the other the

00:47:57.859 --> 00:48:01.609
civil war of inner conflicts weakens the

00:48:01.609 --> 00:48:04.640
efficiency in comfort of the patient but

00:48:04.640 --> 00:48:08.740
every bit of integration strength need

00:48:08.740 --> 00:48:11.840
now in the same emergency of the

00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:15.410
therapeutic saturation I repeat in the

00:48:15.410 --> 00:48:18.040
safe emergency of the therapeutic

00:48:18.040 --> 00:48:21.320
situation the patient begins to take

00:48:21.320 --> 00:48:25.750
risks into transforms energies from

00:48:25.750 --> 00:48:29.170
manipulating the environment for support

00:48:29.170 --> 00:48:32.150
into developing greater greater self

00:48:32.150 --> 00:48:35.119
support when its reliance on his own

00:48:35.119 --> 00:48:40.180
resources this process is called

00:48:40.180 --> 00:48:42.860
maturation

00:48:42.860 --> 00:48:45.140
once the patient has learned to stand on

00:48:45.140 --> 00:48:47.630
its own feet emotionally intellectually

00:48:47.630 --> 00:48:50.240
and economically his need for therapy

00:48:50.240 --> 00:48:53.270
will collapse we wake up from the

00:48:53.270 --> 00:48:56.560
nightmare of his existence

00:48:56.560 --> 00:49:01.130
the basic technique is this not to

00:49:01.130 --> 00:49:04.040
explain things to the patient but to

00:49:04.040 --> 00:49:06.320
provide the patient with opportunities

00:49:06.320 --> 00:49:11.110
to understand and to discover himself

00:49:11.110 --> 00:49:15.320
for this purpose I manipulate and fasted

00:49:15.320 --> 00:49:17.750
the patient in such a way that he's

00:49:17.750 --> 00:49:21.650
confronting himself in this process he

00:49:21.650 --> 00:49:24.950
identifies with his lost potential for

00:49:24.950 --> 00:49:27.020
instance through assimilating his

00:49:27.020 --> 00:49:31.250
projections by acting out by acting out

00:49:31.250 --> 00:49:34.850
the alien parts of himself instantly I

00:49:34.850 --> 00:49:37.760
consider any interpretation to be a

00:49:37.760 --> 00:49:41.000
therapeutic mistake as this one implies

00:49:41.000 --> 00:49:42.980
that the therapist understands the

00:49:42.980 --> 00:49:46.180
patient paper and the patient himself

00:49:46.180 --> 00:49:49.460
takes away from the patient he chance of

00:49:49.460 --> 00:49:54.850
discovering himself by himself and

00:49:54.850 --> 00:49:58.220
prevents him from finding out his own

00:49:58.220 --> 00:50:02.480
values and style and the other hand I

00:50:02.480 --> 00:50:06.020
guess I got most of the content of what

00:50:06.020 --> 00:50:08.810
the patient says and concentrate most on

00:50:08.810 --> 00:50:11.300
the nonverbal level as this is the only

00:50:11.300 --> 00:50:14.950
which only one which is less subject to

00:50:14.950 --> 00:50:18.470
self-deception in his verbal pseudo self

00:50:18.470 --> 00:50:21.770
expression on the nonverbal level the

00:50:21.770 --> 00:50:25.790
relevant is start and always emerge and

00:50:25.790 --> 00:50:35.770
can deadly in the here and now

00:50:35.770 --> 00:50:43.330
we are going to interview for happened

00:50:43.330 --> 00:50:47.110
right away I'm scared you see you're

00:50:47.110 --> 00:50:49.810
scared but you're smiling I don't

00:50:49.810 --> 00:50:51.400
understand how it can be scared and

00:50:51.400 --> 00:50:55.860
smile at the same time

00:50:55.860 --> 00:50:58.200
and I'm also suspicious of you I think

00:50:58.200 --> 00:51:00.000
you understand very well I think you

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:05.430
know that when I get scared I laugh or I

00:51:05.430 --> 00:51:08.550
kid to cover up but do you have stage 5

00:51:08.550 --> 00:51:13.080
I don't know I'm mostly aware of you I'm

00:51:13.080 --> 00:51:15.720
afraid that I'm afraid you're going to

00:51:15.720 --> 00:51:17.670
have such a direct attack that you're

00:51:17.670 --> 00:51:18.960
going to get me in the corner and I'm

00:51:18.960 --> 00:51:20.310
afraid of it I want you to be more on

00:51:20.310 --> 00:51:22.560
myself I get you in your corner you put

00:51:22.560 --> 00:51:25.800
your hand on your chest this is your

00:51:25.800 --> 00:51:31.380
call well it's like yeah it's like I'm

00:51:31.380 --> 00:51:36.270
afraid no way would you like to go can

00:51:36.270 --> 00:51:39.530
you describe the calling like to go to

00:51:39.530 --> 00:51:44.580
yeah it's back in corner where where I'm

00:51:44.580 --> 00:51:47.820
completely protected they would be safe

00:51:47.820 --> 00:51:51.350
of me for me

00:51:51.350 --> 00:51:53.630
well I know I wouldn't really well in

00:51:53.630 --> 00:51:56.380
their chosen yeah made you in this color

00:51:56.380 --> 00:51:59.960
you're perfectly safe now but what you

00:51:59.960 --> 00:52:03.020
doing the girl I just said mister just

00:52:03.020 --> 00:52:07.340
see how long would you sit I don't know

00:52:07.340 --> 00:52:08.720
but this is so funny as you're saying

00:52:08.720 --> 00:52:10.250
this this reminds me of when I was a

00:52:10.250 --> 00:52:10.880
little girl

00:52:10.880 --> 00:52:12.920
every time I was afraid I feel better

00:52:12.920 --> 00:52:15.470
sitting in a corner okay you hanneke I

00:52:15.470 --> 00:52:16.550
didn't get you good

00:52:16.550 --> 00:52:19.280
well no but it's the same feeling are

00:52:19.280 --> 00:52:23.240
you good this feeling reminds me of it

00:52:23.240 --> 00:52:26.240
oh you know no not

00:52:26.240 --> 00:52:29.450
oh are you when you're not the little

00:52:29.450 --> 00:52:32.830
kid yeah okay

00:52:32.830 --> 00:52:37.030
so your thought your girl who's afraid

00:52:37.030 --> 00:52:40.750
of a guy like I don't even know yeah I

00:52:40.750 --> 00:52:42.880
don't know I'll be afraid of you I get

00:52:42.880 --> 00:52:46.330
real defensive with you know what can I

00:52:46.330 --> 00:52:49.490
do to you

00:52:49.490 --> 00:52:51.170
you can't do anything but I can sure

00:52:51.170 --> 00:52:53.030
feel down and I can feel stupid for not

00:52:53.030 --> 00:52:55.069
having the right answers now what would

00:52:55.069 --> 00:52:57.319
it do for you to be feel dumb and stupid

00:52:57.319 --> 00:53:00.260
I hate it when I'm stupid what would it

00:53:00.260 --> 00:53:04.520
do for you to be dumb and stupid

00:53:04.520 --> 00:53:07.550
don't put it so like this what would you

00:53:07.550 --> 00:53:10.340
do to me if you would play dumb and

00:53:10.340 --> 00:53:12.500
stupid it makes you all the smarter and

00:53:12.500 --> 00:53:14.780
all the higher above me then I really

00:53:14.780 --> 00:53:16.040
have to look up to you because you're so

00:53:16.040 --> 00:53:16.520
smart

00:53:16.520 --> 00:53:21.500
yeah but me how practically no I think

00:53:21.500 --> 00:53:25.880
you can do that all by yourself I think

00:53:25.880 --> 00:53:27.500
the other way along if you play dumb and

00:53:27.500 --> 00:53:33.670
stupid you force me to be more explicit

00:53:33.670 --> 00:53:35.710
that's been said to me before but I

00:53:35.710 --> 00:53:37.989
don't buy it I don't know what I do with

00:53:37.989 --> 00:53:45.430
your feet now wiggling joke now oh I'm

00:53:45.430 --> 00:53:48.539
afraid to go knows everything I do she

00:53:48.539 --> 00:53:51.730
told me I want you to help me become

00:53:51.730 --> 00:53:53.589
more relaxed yes I don't want to be so

00:53:53.589 --> 00:53:55.329
defensive with you I don't like to feel

00:53:55.329 --> 00:54:02.670
so defensive

00:54:02.670 --> 00:54:04.890
you're acting like you're treating me as

00:54:04.890 --> 00:54:06.599
if I'm stronger than I am and I want you

00:54:06.599 --> 00:54:09.089
to protect me more and be nicer to me

00:54:09.089 --> 00:54:12.089
are you will feel smile don't believe

00:54:12.089 --> 00:54:20.930
about your cords sure bluff your phony

00:54:20.930 --> 00:54:23.210
do you believe you mean it seriously

00:54:23.210 --> 00:54:26.910
yeah if you see your faded you laugh and

00:54:26.910 --> 00:54:32.039
you bigger than you still it's funny put

00:54:32.039 --> 00:54:35.039
the performance for me oh I I resent

00:54:35.039 --> 00:54:39.029
that very much explicit yes sir I most

00:54:39.029 --> 00:54:40.920
certainly I'm not being funny I I will

00:54:40.920 --> 00:54:43.170
admit this it's hard for me to show my

00:54:43.170 --> 00:54:44.789
embarrassment and I hate to be

00:54:44.789 --> 00:54:46.799
embarrassed but boy I resent you calling

00:54:46.799 --> 00:54:49.829
me a phony just because I smile when I'm

00:54:49.829 --> 00:54:51.420
embarrassed or I'm put in the corner

00:54:51.420 --> 00:54:53.849
doesn't mean I'm being a phony wonderful

00:54:53.849 --> 00:54:56.039
fiction he didn't spend for the last

00:54:56.039 --> 00:54:56.640
minute

00:54:56.640 --> 00:54:59.910
well I met you I am that's right it

00:54:59.910 --> 00:55:02.579
didn't have to cover up your hangovers

00:55:02.579 --> 00:55:05.329
your smile

00:55:05.329 --> 00:55:08.880
no in that moment in that minute you had

00:55:08.880 --> 00:55:11.249
not therefore well at that minute I was

00:55:11.249 --> 00:55:13.200
mad though I wasn't embarrassed

00:55:13.200 --> 00:55:16.940
neither to you mention of the phony I

00:55:16.940 --> 00:55:19.289
still resent that I'm not involved with

00:55:19.289 --> 00:55:22.529
him nervous again I want to get mad at

00:55:22.529 --> 00:55:26.670
you I you know what I want you on my

00:55:26.670 --> 00:55:28.859
level so I can pick on you just as much

00:55:28.859 --> 00:55:30.089
as you're picking on me

00:55:30.089 --> 00:55:37.099
okay pic of me

00:55:37.099 --> 00:55:39.529
I have to wait till you say something I

00:55:39.529 --> 00:55:41.599
can pick on better what does this mean

00:55:41.599 --> 00:55:44.809
can you develop this movement it's I

00:55:44.809 --> 00:55:48.410
can't find words I want to develop this

00:55:48.410 --> 00:55:55.549
but if you went dancing I want to start

00:55:55.549 --> 00:55:56.509
all over again with him

00:55:56.509 --> 00:55:58.969
okay that's some fun I don't Collier I'd

00:55:58.969 --> 00:56:00.709
like to put you on I'd like to ask you a

00:56:00.709 --> 00:56:02.569
question and because I have a feeling

00:56:02.569 --> 00:56:04.039
you don't like me right off the bat and

00:56:04.039 --> 00:56:07.249
I want to know if you do can you not

00:56:07.249 --> 00:56:09.949
play put spells not like a Gloria what

00:56:09.949 --> 00:56:13.819
would he say he'd say that she's a phony

00:56:13.819 --> 00:56:17.239
for one see you our food you're a phony

00:56:17.239 --> 00:56:21.469
and you're a flip little girl and your

00:56:21.469 --> 00:56:27.920
show-off what would look absolutely

00:56:27.920 --> 00:56:30.619
I know what I'd answer I'd say I think

00:56:30.619 --> 00:56:31.630
you are too

00:56:31.630 --> 00:56:34.339
you'll say tell this to me he told me

00:56:34.339 --> 00:56:40.300
what before you got him

00:56:40.300 --> 00:56:43.520
secret tip for

00:56:43.520 --> 00:56:46.070
for me I'm not quite the right word but

00:56:46.070 --> 00:56:49.790
it's more like a a show-off sure I can't

00:56:49.790 --> 00:56:50.900
know all the answers

00:56:50.900 --> 00:56:54.170
yeah and I want you to be more human and

00:56:54.170 --> 00:56:56.720
that doesn't seem very human to me no

00:56:56.720 --> 00:56:58.369
it's not about you

00:56:58.369 --> 00:57:00.260
Yeah right away find out how I'm kicking

00:57:00.260 --> 00:57:02.450
my feet and why am i doing like this why

00:57:02.450 --> 00:57:04.790
are you doing like that oh yeah I've got

00:57:04.790 --> 00:57:06.590
eyes I can see you're kicking your feet

00:57:06.590 --> 00:57:09.890
I don't need a scientific computer to

00:57:09.890 --> 00:57:12.440
see that you're kicking your feet let's

00:57:12.440 --> 00:57:15.920
think about that I don't need to be wise

00:57:15.920 --> 00:57:18.740
to see the chicken feet I know but it

00:57:18.740 --> 00:57:19.880
seems like you're trying to find some

00:57:19.880 --> 00:57:23.020
reason for it I don't

00:57:23.020 --> 00:57:26.270
this year imagination okay I know what

00:57:26.270 --> 00:57:27.440
I'd like from you can I tell you what

00:57:27.440 --> 00:57:28.369
I'd like Sunita

00:57:28.369 --> 00:57:30.260
I'd like you to be aware that I'm

00:57:30.260 --> 00:57:32.300
kicking my feet and to be aware that I'm

00:57:32.300 --> 00:57:33.860
giggling when I'm really nervous and

00:57:33.860 --> 00:57:35.090
accept it instead of putting me on the

00:57:35.090 --> 00:57:37.880
defensive having to explain it I don't

00:57:37.880 --> 00:57:39.890
want to have to explain why I'm doing

00:57:39.890 --> 00:57:41.840
these things you could scream

00:57:41.840 --> 00:57:43.640
you said why am i or what am i doing

00:57:43.640 --> 00:57:46.310
well what am i doing he said it's right

00:57:46.310 --> 00:57:48.080
kicking your feet I didn't ask you to

00:57:48.080 --> 00:57:52.140
explain the see imagination

00:57:52.140 --> 00:57:54.420
it's not this for it is the foots of

00:57:54.420 --> 00:58:02.540
your imagination big difference

00:58:02.540 --> 00:58:12.569
to the circuit again you feel now

00:58:12.569 --> 00:58:16.579
hello stupid

00:58:16.579 --> 00:58:21.029
I'm not playing stupid I don't know this

00:58:21.029 --> 00:58:34.730
is plain stupid

00:58:34.730 --> 00:58:36.680
you get something with you here there

00:58:36.680 --> 00:58:38.990
it's very chance something my hair with

00:58:38.990 --> 00:58:45.530
you object to know okay

00:58:45.530 --> 00:58:49.070
no but I your your hair and your

00:58:49.070 --> 00:58:51.350
features go along with the feeling I had

00:58:51.350 --> 00:58:53.090
about you earlier I had a phone I could

00:58:53.090 --> 00:58:56.210
be afraid of you and you're the type of

00:58:56.210 --> 00:58:57.710
person that seems like you're Demian so

00:58:57.710 --> 00:59:01.880
much respect and song Europe these

00:59:01.880 --> 00:59:02.570
favorites

00:59:02.570 --> 00:59:05.150
I demand so much respect okay that's

00:59:05.150 --> 00:59:08.740
what you just saw

00:59:08.740 --> 00:59:11.589
well you know how smart I am I know more

00:59:11.589 --> 00:59:14.020
about psychology than you do Gloria so

00:59:14.020 --> 00:59:16.839
anything I say of course is right can

00:59:16.839 --> 00:59:18.700
you say the same is Gloria something

00:59:18.700 --> 00:59:22.839
similar is global but the same I guess

00:59:22.839 --> 00:59:24.980
Chloe

00:59:24.980 --> 00:59:29.640
I demand respect because

00:59:29.640 --> 00:59:32.320
I don't know

00:59:32.320 --> 00:59:34.840
no I don't identify it with my father

00:59:34.840 --> 00:59:36.490
but not me I don't feel like a man

00:59:36.490 --> 00:59:41.530
respect the man no sure I mean I think

00:59:41.530 --> 00:59:43.510
I'd like more I'd like you to respect me

00:59:43.510 --> 00:59:47.130
more well you see so your demand respect

00:59:47.130 --> 00:59:50.890
alright yeah yeah so am i right if I

00:59:50.890 --> 00:59:56.970
click demand respect from you I would do

00:59:56.970 --> 01:00:03.309
who's preventing you except yourself

01:00:03.309 --> 01:00:05.079
because I feel if I get myself out on

01:00:05.079 --> 01:00:07.959
the corner here let me just drown you're

01:00:07.959 --> 01:00:09.339
not going to help me one bit and I know

01:00:09.339 --> 01:00:11.169
that I can't quite come up to standards

01:00:11.169 --> 01:00:13.419
with you what should i do then you're

01:00:13.419 --> 01:00:20.279
the chrome encourage me to come out oh

01:00:20.279 --> 01:00:24.939
we don't have enough courage to come out

01:00:24.939 --> 01:00:25.839
by yourself

01:00:25.839 --> 01:00:28.390
you need something for little limbs in

01:00:28.390 --> 01:00:31.269
the stairs out of it oh yeah so anytime

01:00:31.269 --> 01:00:34.900
you want somebody to pay attention to

01:00:34.900 --> 01:00:37.419
you call into a corner and wait till

01:00:37.419 --> 01:00:40.059
your car service that's exactly what I'd

01:00:40.059 --> 01:00:43.089
like and this is what I call fun part

01:00:43.089 --> 01:00:45.459
knee this is for the court for me why is

01:00:45.459 --> 01:00:47.469
it funny I'm admitting to you what I am

01:00:47.469 --> 01:00:49.749
how is that a funny that is a phony

01:00:49.749 --> 01:00:52.539
because it's a trick it's a gimmick the

01:00:52.539 --> 01:00:54.699
quality of Colin wait until somebody

01:00:54.699 --> 01:00:57.309
comes to us I'm admitting it I know what

01:00:57.309 --> 01:00:59.739
I'm doing I'm not being funny I'm not

01:00:59.739 --> 01:01:03.729
pretending I'm so brave I resent that I

01:01:03.729 --> 01:01:05.289
feel like you're saying unless I come

01:01:05.289 --> 01:01:07.929
out openly and stand on my own I'm not a

01:01:07.929 --> 01:01:10.539
phony baloney I'm just just as real

01:01:10.539 --> 01:01:12.159
sitting in that corner as I am out here

01:01:12.159 --> 01:01:14.529
all by myself but ends up sitting in New

01:01:14.529 --> 01:01:22.790
Mexico well not now

01:01:22.790 --> 01:01:24.650
and besides that it's like passing

01:01:24.650 --> 01:01:26.090
judgment when you call me phony I just

01:01:26.090 --> 01:01:28.190
hate that anyway now we are getting

01:01:28.190 --> 01:01:32.840
something I call anybody phony who put

01:01:32.840 --> 01:01:37.250
some necked and if you like somebody you

01:01:37.250 --> 01:01:40.760
want to meet this person to go to this

01:01:40.760 --> 01:01:42.710
person tell them I would like to meet

01:01:42.710 --> 01:01:46.220
you I would call not for me but if you

01:01:46.220 --> 01:01:49.270
consciously go into the corner and

01:01:49.270 --> 01:01:52.490
waiting to be rescued this I call for me

01:01:52.490 --> 01:01:54.620
here's a copy and I still think you're

01:01:54.620 --> 01:01:56.630
judgmental you know what I have a

01:01:56.630 --> 01:01:58.280
feeling you've never felt this way in

01:01:58.280 --> 01:02:00.110
your life you feel so secure that you

01:02:00.110 --> 01:02:01.550
don't have to feel anybody that does

01:02:01.550 --> 01:02:02.870
something like this you're gonna pass

01:02:02.870 --> 01:02:04.730
judgment on their being a phony while I

01:02:04.730 --> 01:02:07.670
resent it no play puts passing judgment

01:02:07.670 --> 01:02:09.950
or you're sitting up there in your big

01:02:09.950 --> 01:02:16.020
old chair I'm the type a stretcher

01:02:16.020 --> 01:02:19.800
how's catchman on Mila

01:02:19.800 --> 01:02:22.110
I don't feel close to you at all dr.

01:02:22.110 --> 01:02:25.200
pearls I feel that's Tony I feel like

01:02:25.200 --> 01:02:26.700
you're playing one big game

01:02:26.700 --> 01:02:31.350
what sure it playing games but in spite

01:02:31.350 --> 01:02:34.440
of the games I think I touch you now and

01:02:34.440 --> 01:02:36.930
then I think I'm out you in our culture

01:02:36.930 --> 01:02:38.610
food of course you did

01:02:38.610 --> 01:02:41.250
and I think I hit the bull's eye that's

01:02:41.250 --> 01:02:45.800
why you feel hot

01:02:45.800 --> 01:02:47.690
I don't know all I know is when somebody

01:02:47.690 --> 01:02:49.070
when I feel the way I feel with you

01:02:49.070 --> 01:02:49.610
right now

01:02:49.610 --> 01:02:51.890
I it's like you don't have feelings

01:02:51.890 --> 01:02:53.180
right now

01:02:53.180 --> 01:02:57.170
accentuate this but you just like that's

01:02:57.170 --> 01:03:00.590
it talk to you like I can't I can't I

01:03:00.590 --> 01:03:02.390
want to laugh I want to I'd like you to

01:03:02.390 --> 01:03:03.530
be younger than me so I could really

01:03:03.530 --> 01:03:07.580
scold you how it must have been my h3

01:03:07.580 --> 01:03:10.970
good at something now imagine I know

01:03:10.970 --> 01:03:13.340
yours could okay don't be so cocksure

01:03:13.340 --> 01:03:15.800
yourself don't think you're so doggone

01:03:15.800 --> 01:03:16.310
smart

01:03:16.310 --> 01:03:18.050
don't act so proud because you've never

01:03:18.050 --> 01:03:19.550
been in the corner I think you can be

01:03:19.550 --> 01:03:21.500
just as big a phony parading around like

01:03:21.500 --> 01:03:23.720
you're so damn smart you know all the

01:03:23.720 --> 01:03:25.369
answers as much as me sitting in my

01:03:25.369 --> 01:03:25.970
corner

01:03:25.970 --> 01:03:28.369
oh and I like the feeling with you being

01:03:28.369 --> 01:03:30.230
younger I'd like to really I'd like to

01:03:30.230 --> 01:03:31.460
embarrass you

01:03:31.460 --> 01:03:33.890
it does when you every what you wouldn't

01:03:33.890 --> 01:03:37.150
get embarrassed you see my affected

01:03:37.150 --> 01:03:41.950
Bettis me how hard how ugly I am

01:03:41.950 --> 01:03:44.060
you don't look alike when you look

01:03:44.060 --> 01:03:44.990
distinguished

01:03:44.990 --> 01:03:46.910
that gives us all the more on your side

01:03:46.910 --> 01:03:49.060
if you look so distinguished then see

01:03:49.060 --> 01:03:52.160
that's more on your side too right oh

01:03:52.160 --> 01:03:54.500
yeah can you see Swanson with quite a

01:03:54.500 --> 01:03:59.270
good fire no I know no that's it

01:03:59.270 --> 01:04:00.710
I don't think you're fighting with me

01:04:00.710 --> 01:04:04.000
but I thought you came out quite a bit

01:04:04.000 --> 01:04:08.900
know how manager wonderful but you seem

01:04:08.900 --> 01:04:11.180
so detached you don't even seem to care

01:04:11.180 --> 01:04:15.830
that I'm mad at you for not recognizing

01:04:15.830 --> 01:04:18.530
me at all doctor Pearl's not a bit this

01:04:18.530 --> 01:04:21.680
is quite true our contact is much too

01:04:21.680 --> 01:04:24.680
superficial to be involved in cave I

01:04:24.680 --> 01:04:29.510
care for you as far as let's see you all

01:04:29.510 --> 01:04:32.240
right now my client I care for you as

01:04:32.240 --> 01:04:35.570
far as I'd like to like an artist in

01:04:35.570 --> 01:04:38.000
something hug which is hidden

01:04:38.000 --> 01:04:44.800
this is fire care

01:04:44.800 --> 01:04:49.090
well I'd like you to I'd like to feel

01:04:49.090 --> 01:04:50.800
that there's some it's frustrating if I

01:04:50.800 --> 01:04:52.360
were to leave you right now and not see

01:04:52.360 --> 01:04:53.890
again it would frustrate me to feel like

01:04:53.890 --> 01:04:55.270
there haven't been more contact I feel

01:04:55.270 --> 01:04:57.430
completely out of contact with you like

01:04:57.430 --> 01:04:59.110
I'm talking to the baby that doesn't

01:04:59.110 --> 01:05:01.180
understand me or something like that I

01:05:01.180 --> 01:05:02.710
don't feel like we're a bit in contact

01:05:02.710 --> 01:05:06.160
and that frustrates me that bothers me

01:05:06.160 --> 01:05:07.480
more than being angry with you I'd

01:05:07.480 --> 01:05:09.880
rather we were angry and fought and to

01:05:09.880 --> 01:05:13.510
have no contact yeah this reminds me of

01:05:13.510 --> 01:05:15.370
when my husband and I used to fight he

01:05:15.370 --> 01:05:17.110
sits there and he listens to me but he's

01:05:17.110 --> 01:05:18.790
not even aware of how much I hate him

01:05:18.790 --> 01:05:21.580
and how mad I am at him I'd rather say

01:05:21.580 --> 01:05:23.890
I'd love it rather affect you you didn't

01:05:23.890 --> 01:05:29.050
really hate me or something and I feel

01:05:29.050 --> 01:05:30.190
like you're purposely staying out of

01:05:30.190 --> 01:05:33.690
contact with me how should I be

01:05:33.690 --> 01:05:37.600
give me a fantasy how could I share my

01:05:37.600 --> 01:05:40.820
concern with here

01:05:40.820 --> 01:05:43.610
I can't say in words I know the feeling

01:05:43.610 --> 01:05:45.530
I'd seen on you but I can't say it's

01:05:45.530 --> 01:05:50.450
just a feeling like I don't know it's

01:05:50.450 --> 01:05:52.040
like I want you to respect me more as a

01:05:52.040 --> 01:05:54.200
human being that I've got feelings now

01:05:54.200 --> 01:05:56.210
we come back to the beginning so you

01:05:56.210 --> 01:05:59.030
won't respect yes I do I do

01:05:59.030 --> 01:06:01.040
this is a different kind of respect and

01:06:01.040 --> 01:06:02.660
I won it the first time but you want to

01:06:02.660 --> 01:06:08.040
eat this yes

01:06:08.040 --> 01:06:10.830
I respect you so much as you deem that I

01:06:10.830 --> 01:06:12.900
refuse to accept the phony part of

01:06:12.900 --> 01:06:15.690
yourself and I trust myself to the

01:06:15.690 --> 01:06:18.090
genuine part right now the last few

01:06:18.090 --> 01:06:21.530
minutes we were wonderfully generally

01:06:21.530 --> 01:06:26.880
women playing anymore I could see you

01:06:26.880 --> 01:06:29.970
very good okay

01:06:29.970 --> 01:06:33.000
well I don't feel I've got it right when

01:06:33.000 --> 01:06:35.220
I felt like somebody or I disagree what

01:06:35.220 --> 01:06:37.050
somebody's doing if if I should respect

01:06:37.050 --> 01:06:38.130
them if they're above me they're

01:06:38.130 --> 01:06:39.750
superior to me I don't feel I've got a

01:06:39.750 --> 01:06:41.460
right to really really tell you how mad

01:06:41.460 --> 01:06:44.060
I am it's it's village

01:06:44.060 --> 01:06:46.619
we're not take it to chicken you're

01:06:46.619 --> 01:06:49.619
taking pic to your safe corner that's

01:06:49.619 --> 01:06:50.700
the way it feels

01:06:50.700 --> 01:06:52.200
that's what the seed corn feels like to

01:06:52.200 --> 01:06:55.319
me now go back to your safe crop because

01:06:55.319 --> 01:06:57.480
we have to pop well so you steal

01:06:57.480 --> 01:06:59.160
yourself collar you came out for a

01:06:59.160 --> 01:06:59.640
moment

01:06:59.640 --> 01:07:02.579
you nearly met me could get a little bit

01:07:02.579 --> 01:07:03.540
angry with me

01:07:03.540 --> 01:07:06.270
okay for your safety I feel like you're

01:07:06.270 --> 01:07:08.190
telling me the only way you respect me

01:07:08.190 --> 01:07:10.050
as a human being if I'm aggressive and

01:07:10.050 --> 01:07:12.960
forceful in strong yeah I thought you

01:07:12.960 --> 01:07:14.520
couldn't even accept mine I'd be scared

01:07:14.520 --> 01:07:16.800
to death to cry in front of you I feel

01:07:16.800 --> 01:07:18.030
like you'd laugh at me and call me a

01:07:18.030 --> 01:07:20.220
phony I feel like you don't accept my

01:07:20.220 --> 01:07:22.109
weak side only when I'm yelling back at

01:07:22.109 --> 01:07:25.500
you were hollering at you you must

01:07:25.500 --> 01:07:28.349
define Memphis well I wouldn't even give

01:07:28.349 --> 01:07:32.000
you the satisfaction see this again no

01:07:32.000 --> 01:07:35.520
see the ticket

01:07:35.520 --> 01:07:38.100
I try not to I try not to cry in front

01:07:38.100 --> 01:07:39.900
of you or show my weak spot for period

01:07:39.900 --> 01:07:40.770
jump on me again

01:07:40.770 --> 01:07:43.830
hey that your eyes are most I'm aware

01:07:43.830 --> 01:07:46.430
that I feel more jokey yes I feel it

01:07:46.430 --> 01:07:51.430
could you choke me

01:07:51.430 --> 01:07:54.150
pretend but not for real women for me

01:07:54.150 --> 01:07:56.460
because I don't hate you that much

01:07:56.460 --> 01:07:59.740
anyone who took my history with me to

01:07:59.740 --> 01:08:03.819
choke you so you would be crying I'd

01:08:03.819 --> 01:08:05.650
like to I'd like to choke you it would

01:08:05.650 --> 01:08:08.200
be to make you cry I'd like to see you

01:08:08.200 --> 01:08:11.859
weak I'd like to see you hurt and

01:08:11.859 --> 01:08:14.880
vulnerable

01:08:14.880 --> 01:08:18.929
refer to this thing for you

01:08:18.929 --> 01:08:21.870
make me feel like I'm I have more of a

01:08:21.870 --> 01:08:23.880
right to be heard you went jump on me so

01:08:23.880 --> 01:08:26.850
quick would you jump on me if I would

01:08:26.850 --> 01:08:27.420
cry

01:08:27.420 --> 01:08:30.270
no but I would jump on you if you would

01:08:30.270 --> 01:08:31.429
cry

01:08:31.429 --> 01:08:34.710
you sure this

01:08:34.710 --> 01:08:38.910
no I'm not sure

01:08:38.910 --> 01:08:41.609
but what would you like me to do if you

01:08:41.609 --> 01:08:45.479
were to cry

01:08:45.479 --> 01:08:48.069
are you smiling you're trying something

01:08:48.069 --> 01:08:48.550
off

01:08:48.550 --> 01:08:50.200
well because I got two feelings I was

01:08:50.200 --> 01:08:51.880
gonna say I want you to I want you to

01:08:51.880 --> 01:08:53.740
love me and hug me but then I thought no

01:08:53.740 --> 01:08:57.189
I don't want to what's your passion I'd

01:08:57.189 --> 01:09:00.520
be scared to be too close to you now

01:09:00.520 --> 01:09:01.569
we're getting somewhere

01:09:01.569 --> 01:09:03.850
first you want to be close to me now

01:09:03.850 --> 01:09:06.939
your fate to be too close just what I'm

01:09:06.939 --> 01:09:07.330
saying

01:09:07.330 --> 01:09:10.930
that's right now we got the two ports of

01:09:10.930 --> 01:09:12.430
exist look they're two different

01:09:12.430 --> 01:09:14.560
feelings close I mean emotionally but

01:09:14.560 --> 01:09:18.790
not physically affected two ports of

01:09:18.790 --> 01:09:21.580
existence now I have a far away in the

01:09:21.580 --> 01:09:26.500
corner I'll be so close that you can

01:09:26.500 --> 01:09:32.350
melted to run with other person the

01:09:32.350 --> 01:09:39.738
penalty travel between the two extremes

01:09:39.738 --> 01:09:42.620
I do you know what I'm thinking when I

01:09:42.620 --> 01:09:45.770
am really hurt and really upset about

01:09:45.770 --> 01:09:48.049
something and I want someone to love me

01:09:48.049 --> 01:09:49.279
like my girlfriend will do a lot and

01:09:49.279 --> 01:09:51.500
she'll come up to hug me I don't I don't

01:09:51.500 --> 01:09:56.390
want it see what I'm talking about

01:09:56.390 --> 01:10:01.989
you cannot sustain contact

01:10:01.989 --> 01:10:07.060
okay this isn't damage but I think if

01:10:07.060 --> 01:10:08.920
you hit too close to your foe and if you

01:10:08.920 --> 01:10:10.800
let her hug you

01:10:10.800 --> 01:10:13.270
the only thing I'm aware of is like when

01:10:13.270 --> 01:10:15.010
I perspire it embarrasses me that should

01:10:15.010 --> 01:10:17.650
feel how wet I am and it should hold my

01:10:17.650 --> 01:10:21.070
body up close and I don't know I'll feel

01:10:21.070 --> 01:10:25.450
fish it's question yeah yes I am I do

01:10:25.450 --> 01:10:28.560
this more geeky

01:10:28.560 --> 01:10:31.600
is it itchy I can just feel what it is I

01:10:31.600 --> 01:10:33.460
don't like it you see this to me put

01:10:33.460 --> 01:10:39.650
your icky

01:10:39.650 --> 01:10:41.940
you know

01:10:41.940 --> 01:10:45.090
that's a difficulty because I feel like

01:10:45.090 --> 01:10:46.320
if you really believe me that one hurt

01:10:46.320 --> 01:10:49.560
your feelings oh you must love my

01:10:49.560 --> 01:10:53.310
feelings wow I thought that was so

01:10:53.310 --> 01:10:55.560
indifferent sissy before that road

01:10:55.560 --> 01:10:57.870
nothing could touch me now you suddenly

01:10:57.870 --> 01:11:02.180
discovered the way to touch me isn't it

01:11:02.180 --> 01:11:05.160
well you know what I believe I believe

01:11:05.160 --> 01:11:06.630
you're the type of person sort of like

01:11:06.630 --> 01:11:08.460
really that you act like it wouldn't

01:11:08.460 --> 01:11:09.900
hurt your feelings but it really would

01:11:09.900 --> 01:11:13.050
Black's strong but you you're soft and

01:11:13.050 --> 01:11:17.910
vulnerable inside there too I think your

01:11:17.910 --> 01:11:21.300
feelings could be hurt sure but I don't

01:11:21.300 --> 01:11:24.360
think you'd show it very easy look what

01:11:24.360 --> 01:11:28.140
I do I would I could see to my feelings

01:11:28.140 --> 01:11:30.090
I turning it back on me

01:11:30.090 --> 01:11:32.820
I think now what did you get from that

01:11:32.820 --> 01:11:35.100
Gloria you turn the whole thing back on

01:11:35.100 --> 01:11:36.930
me instead of showing another jewel

01:11:36.930 --> 01:11:39.330
now can you see this to puts out to you

01:11:39.330 --> 01:11:41.940
what did you get out of this face see

01:11:41.940 --> 01:11:44.610
this to me would you get out of what but

01:11:44.610 --> 01:11:50.350
you just see Mississippians

01:11:50.350 --> 01:11:52.550
sure I know what you'd get out of it if

01:11:52.550 --> 01:11:54.020
I said what did you get out of this rich

01:11:54.020 --> 01:11:57.650
kid say nothing it didn't bother me it

01:11:57.650 --> 01:11:59.240
was you that didn't you still wouldn't

01:11:59.240 --> 01:12:00.560
let me know you were hurt but I know

01:12:00.560 --> 01:12:01.970
what it would be if you told your true

01:12:01.970 --> 01:12:03.500
feelings but you didn't want to show

01:12:03.500 --> 01:12:06.170
your hurt so you covered it up same way

01:12:06.170 --> 01:12:07.190
with me in the corner

01:12:07.190 --> 01:12:10.160
not if I well if I would cry what would

01:12:10.160 --> 01:12:13.449
you do this

01:12:13.449 --> 01:12:15.790
you would be you wouldn't be so superior

01:12:15.790 --> 01:12:18.040
to me you'd be more vulnerable and I

01:12:18.040 --> 01:12:20.260
could pacify you and make you feel

01:12:20.260 --> 01:12:20.739
better

01:12:20.739 --> 01:12:23.380
good hard for me yes and I could be the

01:12:23.380 --> 01:12:27.880
babe yes yes I'd like that

01:12:27.880 --> 01:12:29.500
he had feel more on my level I wouldn't

01:12:29.500 --> 01:12:32.230
have to feel so done with you the other

01:12:32.230 --> 01:12:35.550
way Paul who would have to be my baby

01:12:35.550 --> 01:12:39.130
she would cry we would like to pay the

01:12:39.130 --> 01:12:41.940
baby and be comforted in Parkton the

01:12:41.940 --> 01:12:46.410
poor thing every man to

01:12:46.410 --> 01:12:50.020
attend something came to mass closure

01:12:50.020 --> 01:12:52.810
he came to little bit of understatement

01:12:52.810 --> 01:12:57.160
I think we finish this simple situation

01:12:57.160 --> 01:13:05.929
well

01:13:05.929 --> 01:13:09.550
the demonstration was in my opinion

01:13:09.550 --> 01:13:12.559
quite successful and consistent with my

01:13:12.559 --> 01:13:15.769
theoretical outlook the avoidance of the

01:13:15.769 --> 01:13:18.349
genuine encounter manifested itself in

01:13:18.349 --> 01:13:19.360
three ways

01:13:19.360 --> 01:13:25.340
the patient was first taking control by

01:13:25.340 --> 01:13:27.919
putting on a smiling sophisticated phony

01:13:27.919 --> 01:13:30.559
mask of oscillating between the pretense

01:13:30.559 --> 01:13:33.110
of being frightened and yet at the same

01:13:33.110 --> 01:13:37.159
time having me figured out that's being

01:13:37.159 --> 01:13:40.099
or believing to be fully in control of

01:13:40.099 --> 01:13:44.719
the situation secondly she was

01:13:44.719 --> 01:13:48.499
withdrawing by fantasizing of hiding in

01:13:48.499 --> 01:13:55.760
a corner Berkeley she was blocking the

01:13:55.760 --> 01:13:58.689
real encounter of melting through crying

01:13:58.689 --> 01:14:02.059
which then would have been the real

01:14:02.059 --> 01:14:06.769
emotional meaning of this meeting the

01:14:06.769 --> 01:14:08.749
patient was capable of identifying her

01:14:08.749 --> 01:14:11.149
surface several fantasies she had

01:14:11.149 --> 01:14:13.789
projected onto me she was this was

01:14:13.789 --> 01:14:15.800
especially evident with regard to her

01:14:15.800 --> 01:14:19.449
initial denial for need to be respected

01:14:19.449 --> 01:14:22.039
the need for environmental support

01:14:22.039 --> 01:14:24.349
started to come out beside so need to

01:14:24.349 --> 01:14:25.809
get respect

01:14:25.809 --> 01:14:28.669
it was normalized in a wish to be cared

01:14:28.669 --> 01:14:33.139
for rescued from the corner and so on I

01:14:33.139 --> 01:14:36.019
broke off the session when the first

01:14:36.019 --> 01:14:39.619
tears begin to appear she began to play

01:14:39.619 --> 01:14:41.539
the role of a lonely child and

01:14:41.539 --> 01:14:43.369
apparently wanted to be hugged and

01:14:43.369 --> 01:14:46.550
comforted adhere to a simulation of a

01:14:46.550 --> 01:14:49.219
projection began to work she began to

01:14:49.219 --> 01:14:55.600
experience holding me like a baby

01:14:55.600 --> 01:14:58.010
apart from

01:14:58.010 --> 01:15:00.470
assisting in assimilating and some

01:15:00.470 --> 01:15:02.660
projections they made therapeutic factor

01:15:02.660 --> 01:15:05.900
was to show how the inconsistency of a

01:15:05.900 --> 01:15:08.510
verbal and nonverbal behavior for

01:15:08.510 --> 01:15:11.120
instance saying that she was frightened

01:15:11.120 --> 01:15:14.290
and smiling at the same time a

01:15:14.290 --> 01:15:19.880
frightening person does not smile may I

01:15:19.880 --> 01:15:21.530
fear it was in the direction of

01:15:21.530 --> 01:15:24.890
embarrassment this embarrassment was

01:15:24.890 --> 01:15:28.700
protected by the brazenness and anger to

01:15:28.700 --> 01:15:30.770
get to exist the existential

01:15:30.770 --> 01:15:32.600
embarrassment we would have to work

01:15:32.600 --> 01:15:34.640
through and eliminated the phone in this

01:15:34.640 --> 01:15:37.880
that is the ease with which we can

01:15:37.880 --> 01:15:40.370
superficially assume any role that is

01:15:40.370 --> 01:15:42.610
required for a specific situation

01:15:42.610 --> 01:15:46.130
this suit adaptation is her way of

01:15:46.130 --> 01:15:50.420
coping with life this is about what I

01:15:50.420 --> 01:16:00.620
got out of this session

01:16:00.620 --> 01:16:10.070
you

01:16:10.070 --> 01:16:12.900
rationale therapy a rational emotive

01:16:12.900 --> 01:16:14.460
therapy also called

01:16:14.460 --> 01:16:17.970
RT for short is based on several

01:16:17.970 --> 01:16:20.730
fundamental propositions or hypotheses

01:16:20.730 --> 01:16:23.760
the first of these is that the past is

01:16:23.760 --> 01:16:26.820
not crucial in a person's life

01:16:26.820 --> 01:16:30.690
the past affects him a good deal but he

01:16:30.690 --> 01:16:33.090
effects himself much more than the past

01:16:33.090 --> 01:16:36.180
affects him because no matter what he

01:16:36.180 --> 01:16:39.120
has learned during his historical

01:16:39.120 --> 01:16:42.390
development the only reason why these

01:16:42.390 --> 01:16:44.160
things that have happened to him and

01:16:44.160 --> 01:16:46.950
have been told to him affect him today

01:16:46.950 --> 01:16:51.330
is because he is still re indoctrinating

01:16:51.330 --> 01:16:53.340
himself with the same philosophies of

01:16:53.340 --> 01:16:56.570
life the same values that he usually

01:16:56.570 --> 01:17:00.630
imbibed and taught himself to early in

01:17:00.630 --> 01:17:05.210
his childhood so we stick largely in the

01:17:05.210 --> 01:17:06.990
present in rational emotive

01:17:06.990 --> 01:17:09.680
psychotherapy rather than in the past

01:17:09.680 --> 01:17:13.400
and we believe that today the individual

01:17:13.400 --> 01:17:16.530
experiences negative emotions

01:17:16.530 --> 01:17:19.490
self-defeating behavior inefficiencies

01:17:19.490 --> 01:17:23.970
because he now is indoctrinating himself

01:17:23.970 --> 01:17:27.330
with what we call simple exclamatory

01:17:27.330 --> 01:17:31.410
sentences which involve ideas human

01:17:31.410 --> 01:17:34.560
beings can tell themselves ideas in all

01:17:34.560 --> 01:17:37.800
kinds of languages and pictures in sign

01:17:37.800 --> 01:17:40.110
languages and non verbal expression in

01:17:40.110 --> 01:17:42.660
man for example but they normally speak

01:17:42.660 --> 01:17:45.210
to themselves in simple English if

01:17:45.210 --> 01:17:47.940
English is their native tongue and when

01:17:47.940 --> 01:17:50.220
they talk to themselves in an irrational

01:17:50.220 --> 01:17:53.910
or an illogical way then they create

01:17:53.910 --> 01:17:56.910
they literally create their negative

01:17:56.910 --> 01:17:59.610
feelings or emotions in the behavior

01:17:59.610 --> 01:18:03.420
that follows their from now just to give

01:18:03.420 --> 01:18:06.690
an example the individual usually tells

01:18:06.690 --> 01:18:09.690
himself when he's upset first the same

01:18:09.690 --> 01:18:12.560
sentence and then an insane that

01:18:12.560 --> 01:18:15.200
the same sentence is something along the

01:18:15.200 --> 01:18:17.600
order of I don't like the thing that

01:18:17.600 --> 01:18:20.750
I've done I dislike my own behavior and

01:18:20.750 --> 01:18:24.680
that would be fun but unfortunately he

01:18:24.680 --> 01:18:27.800
follows it with an insane sentence which

01:18:27.800 --> 01:18:31.520
says to himself and because I don't like

01:18:31.520 --> 01:18:34.610
my behavior I am a louse I am worthless

01:18:34.610 --> 01:18:37.340
I am a no-goodnik and this thoroughly

01:18:37.340 --> 01:18:40.670
insane sentence which is a sentence of

01:18:40.670 --> 01:18:43.280
faith unfounded on fact which has no

01:18:43.280 --> 01:18:45.890
empirical reference which is a kind of

01:18:45.890 --> 01:18:48.740
superstitious or dogmatically religious

01:18:48.740 --> 01:18:51.590
system creates what we call his anxiety

01:18:51.590 --> 01:18:53.900
and through his anxieties depression his

01:18:53.900 --> 01:18:54.350
guilt

01:18:54.350 --> 01:18:57.410
there's other forms of self defeatism or

01:18:57.410 --> 01:18:59.810
again the individual tells himself the

01:18:59.810 --> 01:19:03.410
same sentence I don't like your behavior

01:19:03.410 --> 01:19:05.690
when let us say somebody's acted badly

01:19:05.690 --> 01:19:08.480
with him and instead of following that

01:19:08.480 --> 01:19:11.300
up with that because I don't like your

01:19:11.300 --> 01:19:14.600
behavior I can still stand it and I'm

01:19:14.600 --> 01:19:16.880
going to try to change to get you to

01:19:16.880 --> 01:19:19.010
change your behavior he says I can't

01:19:19.010 --> 01:19:22.010
stand your behavior or in an absolute

01:19:22.010 --> 01:19:25.670
istic god-like grandiose manner you

01:19:25.670 --> 01:19:28.700
shouldn't be the way you are because I

01:19:28.700 --> 01:19:31.520
think that I don't like the way you are

01:19:31.520 --> 01:19:34.640
now it's the second B sentences which

01:19:34.640 --> 01:19:37.310
upset the individual or another way of

01:19:37.310 --> 01:19:39.500
putting it as epictetus a Roman

01:19:39.500 --> 01:19:41.720
philosopher said many years ago it's not

01:19:41.720 --> 01:19:44.060
what happens to us at point-a that it

01:19:44.060 --> 01:19:48.260
upsets us it's be a view of what happens

01:19:48.260 --> 01:19:50.060
to us and in rational emotive

01:19:50.060 --> 01:19:51.950
psychotherapy we go after this

01:19:51.950 --> 01:19:54.560
individual the patient's view and show

01:19:54.560 --> 01:19:57.050
him that whatever he thinks is upset him

01:19:57.050 --> 01:19:59.420
usually some external situation what

01:19:59.420 --> 01:20:01.670
somebody else has done it's really what

01:20:01.670 --> 01:20:04.700
he's telling himself about this thing

01:20:04.700 --> 01:20:07.100
this event which upsets him and although

01:20:07.100 --> 01:20:08.780
he may never be able to do anything

01:20:08.780 --> 01:20:11.850
about the external event at a he can

01:20:11.850 --> 01:20:14.700
change the internal event his sentence

01:20:14.700 --> 01:20:18.210
is belief to himself at D now in

01:20:18.210 --> 01:20:19.890
rational emotive psychotherapy we try to

01:20:19.890 --> 01:20:22.500
show the patient three kinds of insight

01:20:22.500 --> 01:20:24.060
and counted distinctions to some other

01:20:24.060 --> 01:20:26.340
therapies which usually emphasize one

01:20:26.340 --> 01:20:29.190
magic on the first kind we try to show

01:20:29.190 --> 01:20:32.280
him is that all his behaviors especially

01:20:32.280 --> 01:20:34.290
his negative self-defeating behavior

01:20:34.290 --> 01:20:36.300
which we're interested which is

01:20:36.300 --> 01:20:39.920
upsetting him has clear-cut ideological

01:20:39.920 --> 01:20:42.360
antecedents he may have learnt these as

01:20:42.360 --> 01:20:44.820
I said before in the past but right now

01:20:44.820 --> 01:20:47.300
today he must still believe these same

01:20:47.300 --> 01:20:50.400
ideologies else he would not get the

01:20:50.400 --> 01:20:52.830
negative behavior that flows therefrom

01:20:52.830 --> 01:20:56.250
and insight number two which is most

01:20:56.250 --> 01:20:58.620
important than which is unfortunately

01:20:58.620 --> 01:21:00.270
neglected and many other systems of

01:21:00.270 --> 01:21:03.540
psychotherapy is that he being as Ernst

01:21:03.540 --> 01:21:06.530
casera once said a symbolizing animal is

01:21:06.530 --> 01:21:09.620
continually re-induction aiding himself

01:21:09.620 --> 01:21:13.560
with these ideologies and that's the

01:21:13.560 --> 01:21:16.440
issue that's why he's now disturbed now

01:21:16.440 --> 01:21:18.570
in sight number three is that even when

01:21:18.570 --> 01:21:20.400
he sees clearly what he's telling

01:21:20.400 --> 01:21:22.110
himself and that he's telling himself

01:21:22.110 --> 01:21:25.650
nonsense only by work and practice by

01:21:25.650 --> 01:21:28.950
continually reassessing and revaluing

01:21:28.950 --> 01:21:32.820
his own philosophical will he ever get

01:21:32.820 --> 01:21:33.710
better

01:21:33.710 --> 01:21:37.530
now we also stress the fact that action

01:21:37.530 --> 01:21:39.900
is necessary to change an individual

01:21:39.900 --> 01:21:42.330
just talking about things thinking about

01:21:42.330 --> 01:21:44.790
things is nice but not necessary I

01:21:44.790 --> 01:21:46.410
should say it's not a necessary

01:21:46.410 --> 01:21:48.690
condition for psychotherapeutic can

01:21:48.690 --> 01:21:51.000
change the change what the individual

01:21:51.000 --> 01:21:53.820
has to do in addition usually is act and

01:21:53.820 --> 01:21:56.220
we therefore give him concrete homework

01:21:56.220 --> 01:21:59.460
assignments and get him to act these out

01:21:59.460 --> 01:22:01.890
and check up and follow to see whether

01:22:01.890 --> 01:22:04.470
he does these homework assignments and

01:22:04.470 --> 01:22:06.600
our final goal is to get the individual

01:22:06.600 --> 01:22:09.090
to learn and learn for the rest of his

01:22:09.090 --> 01:22:11.940
life to challenge and question his own

01:22:11.940 --> 01:22:15.330
basic value system his own thinking so

01:22:15.330 --> 01:22:16.190
that he

01:22:16.190 --> 01:22:18.500
really thanks for himself he must do

01:22:18.500 --> 01:22:20.390
this particularly when he feels

01:22:20.390 --> 01:22:23.270
miserable he feels anxiety or depression

01:22:23.270 --> 01:22:26.960
or guilt or too much frustration or

01:22:26.960 --> 01:22:28.820
anything else that is negative or when

01:22:28.820 --> 01:22:31.300
he behaves very inefficiently and

01:22:31.300 --> 01:22:35.330
finally he was able through this kind of

01:22:35.330 --> 01:22:37.460
you thinking rethinking his own

01:22:37.460 --> 01:22:39.920
assumptions to apply what we call the

01:22:39.920 --> 01:22:44.060
scientific method to the facets of human

01:22:44.060 --> 01:22:47.510
living and to be truly scientific in his

01:22:47.510 --> 01:22:49.460
behavior to question and challenge his

01:22:49.460 --> 01:22:51.400
own assumptions as we do in science and

01:22:51.400 --> 01:22:54.590
thereby to minimize or never entirely to

01:22:54.590 --> 01:22:58.550
eliminate the terrible anxiety and the

01:22:58.550 --> 01:23:01.300
atrocious hostility which unfortunately

01:23:01.300 --> 01:23:09.920
affects most of us in this existence

01:23:09.920 --> 01:23:12.620
well Gloria I'm not relevant yeah after

01:23:12.620 --> 01:23:17.150
we hit it

01:23:17.150 --> 01:23:19.320
well would you like to tell me what's

01:23:19.320 --> 01:23:25.470
bothering you most yeah I think the

01:23:25.470 --> 01:23:26.730
things that I'd like to talk to you the

01:23:26.730 --> 01:23:28.890
most about are adjusting to my single

01:23:28.890 --> 01:23:36.570
life mostly men I guess America diet I

01:23:36.570 --> 01:23:37.590
don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing

01:23:37.590 --> 01:23:38.670
but I'm going to refer to your book

01:23:38.670 --> 01:23:40.920
anyway because this is what I'm

01:23:40.920 --> 01:23:42.090
impressed with this book about the

01:23:42.090 --> 01:23:43.980
intelligent Woman's Guide to man 9 yeah

01:23:43.980 --> 01:23:47.160
tried to follow it and I believe in it

01:23:47.160 --> 01:23:48.630
this is why it's so fun reading your

01:23:48.630 --> 01:23:49.890
book because I'm not much of a reader

01:23:49.890 --> 01:23:51.930
but I sort of believe the same way you

01:23:51.930 --> 01:23:52.380
do

01:23:52.380 --> 01:23:54.180
but then I've got a problem is there

01:23:54.180 --> 01:23:58.890
healthy men that I do I'm attracted to

01:23:58.890 --> 01:24:00.720
or the type of man I'd like to become

01:24:00.720 --> 01:24:03.420
closely as always I can't seem to meet

01:24:03.420 --> 01:24:05.580
or I get to shower with or something

01:24:05.580 --> 01:24:06.650
that I don't

01:24:06.650 --> 01:24:09.090
it just doesn't click the men I seem to

01:24:09.090 --> 01:24:10.620
be dating nowadays are the ones that I

01:24:10.620 --> 01:24:12.090
don't respect much the ones I don't

01:24:12.090 --> 01:24:13.910
enjoy much the same blip and

01:24:13.910 --> 01:24:16.710
uninteresting and I don't know if it's

01:24:16.710 --> 01:24:18.240
something about me or what because I

01:24:18.240 --> 01:24:19.940
really do want to meet this kind of man

01:24:19.940 --> 01:24:22.080
well let's talk a little about your

01:24:22.080 --> 01:24:24.000
shyness let's suppose you meet somebody

01:24:24.000 --> 01:24:26.940
who you consider eligible but you might

01:24:26.940 --> 01:24:29.250
walk now let's see if we can get at the

01:24:29.250 --> 01:24:31.410
source of your shyness just what you're

01:24:31.410 --> 01:24:33.720
telling yourself to create this you meet

01:24:33.720 --> 01:24:36.530
this man and you feel shy and Bharath

01:24:36.530 --> 01:24:39.090
yes but I don't usually show that I

01:24:39.090 --> 01:24:41.940
usually act slip right back yeah I act

01:24:41.940 --> 01:24:43.500
like the other man act to me of America

01:24:43.500 --> 01:24:44.400
kayak flip

01:24:44.400 --> 01:24:46.830
I don't seem near as intelligent I act

01:24:46.830 --> 01:24:51.240
like a typical dumb blonde I'm just I'm

01:24:51.240 --> 01:24:53.010
just not myself with him I'm more on a

01:24:53.010 --> 01:24:56.280
tease yes well as you probably know from

01:24:56.280 --> 01:24:59.220
x-man hunting I believe that people only

01:24:59.220 --> 01:24:59.940
get

01:24:59.940 --> 01:25:01.860
emotions such as negative emotions of

01:25:01.860 --> 01:25:04.650
shyness embarrassment shame because they

01:25:04.650 --> 01:25:06.630
tell themselves something in simple

01:25:06.630 --> 01:25:08.610
explanatory sentences now let's try to

01:25:08.610 --> 01:25:10.380
find out what you're telling yourself

01:25:10.380 --> 01:25:13.110
you're meeting this individual now what

01:25:13.110 --> 01:25:15.120
do you think your sink is up before you

01:25:15.120 --> 01:25:17.130
get I didn't know what it is that I'm

01:25:17.130 --> 01:25:19.380
not I don't stand up to his expectations

01:25:19.380 --> 01:25:21.360
I'm not quite enough for him he's

01:25:21.360 --> 01:25:23.670
superior to me although I want this type

01:25:23.670 --> 01:25:24.520
of man I'm afraid

01:25:24.520 --> 01:25:26.230
I won't have enough to attract him well

01:25:26.230 --> 01:25:27.640
that's the first part of the sentence

01:25:27.640 --> 01:25:29.350
that might be a true one because maybe

01:25:29.350 --> 01:25:31.960
he could be spirit to you in some ways

01:25:31.960 --> 01:25:33.640
maybe he wouldn't be attracted to you

01:25:33.640 --> 01:25:35.080
but that would never upset you if you

01:25:35.080 --> 01:25:37.480
were only saying that I think he may be

01:25:37.480 --> 01:25:38.980
superior to me now you're adding a

01:25:38.980 --> 01:25:42.010
second sentence to that which is if this

01:25:42.010 --> 01:25:45.160
is so that would be awful

01:25:45.160 --> 01:25:46.750
well not quite so extreme as that

01:25:46.750 --> 01:25:48.100
because I thought about that too it

01:25:48.100 --> 01:25:50.230
usually I've missed my chance again

01:25:50.230 --> 01:25:52.960
because when I want to become I want to

01:25:52.960 --> 01:25:54.460
show the very best of myself because I

01:25:54.460 --> 01:25:56.110
think I have self-confidence and I have

01:25:56.110 --> 01:25:58.210
enough to offer when I get afraid like

01:25:58.210 --> 01:26:00.250
that then I show all the bad qualities i

01:26:00.250 --> 01:26:05.080
ĂŹm flip on then I'm so much on the

01:26:05.080 --> 01:26:06.820
defensive that I can't show my good

01:26:06.820 --> 01:26:08.650
qualities and it's like I miss my chance

01:26:08.650 --> 01:26:10.300
again there was a good opportunity to be

01:26:10.300 --> 01:26:11.830
close to this man and I Loused it up

01:26:11.830 --> 01:26:13.660
again all right but even let's suppose

01:26:13.660 --> 01:26:15.100
you're saying that and I think you're

01:26:15.100 --> 01:26:16.210
really off but you must be saying

01:26:16.210 --> 01:26:17.530
something else too because if you were

01:26:17.530 --> 01:26:19.810
just saying hell I missed my chance

01:26:19.810 --> 01:26:22.990
again you'd say all right next time I'll

01:26:22.990 --> 01:26:24.460
take advantage of what I learned this

01:26:24.460 --> 01:26:26.110
time and do it a little better now you

01:26:26.110 --> 01:26:28.720
still must be saying if you feel shame

01:26:28.720 --> 01:26:30.880
embarrassment shine there's something

01:26:30.880 --> 01:26:34.000
pretty bad about your error in missing

01:26:34.000 --> 01:26:37.480
your chance again I don't know if this

01:26:37.480 --> 01:26:39.010
follows in contact what you're saying

01:26:39.010 --> 01:26:41.800
but the thing I do feel is that I get

01:26:41.800 --> 01:26:43.420
suspicious then am I the type of woman

01:26:43.420 --> 01:26:45.280
that will only appeal to the ones that

01:26:45.280 --> 01:26:47.080
are

01:26:47.080 --> 01:26:49.570
not my type of guy anyway is there

01:26:49.570 --> 01:26:51.460
something wrong with me am I never going

01:26:51.460 --> 01:26:53.560
to find the kind of man I enjoy I always

01:26:53.560 --> 01:26:55.810
seem to get the other one all right now

01:26:55.810 --> 01:26:56.860
you're getting closer to what I'm

01:26:56.860 --> 01:26:57.730
talking about because you're really

01:26:57.730 --> 01:27:01.630
saying if I am this type of woman that

01:27:01.630 --> 01:27:04.120
none of these good eligible males are

01:27:04.120 --> 01:27:06.220
going to appeal to then that would be

01:27:06.220 --> 01:27:08.290
awful I never get what I want and that

01:27:08.290 --> 01:27:10.990
would really be something frightful

01:27:10.990 --> 01:27:13.120
I don't like thinking of myself that way

01:27:13.120 --> 01:27:14.290
I want to put myself on a higher

01:27:14.290 --> 01:27:15.910
standard I don't like to think that I

01:27:15.910 --> 01:27:18.310
may be just an average Jane Doe so let's

01:27:18.310 --> 01:27:20.350
just suppose for the second argument at

01:27:20.350 --> 01:27:22.360
the moment that that were sir that you

01:27:22.360 --> 01:27:24.640
were an average Jane Doe now would that

01:27:24.640 --> 01:27:27.940
be so terrible would be inconvenient it

01:27:27.940 --> 01:27:29.740
would be unpleasant you wouldn't want it

01:27:29.740 --> 01:27:32.620
but would you get an emotion like

01:27:32.620 --> 01:27:35.470
shyness embarrassment shame out of just

01:27:35.470 --> 01:27:38.020
believing that maybe I'm going to end up

01:27:38.020 --> 01:27:41.560
like Jane Doe I don't know I don't think

01:27:41.560 --> 01:27:42.970
it could because you still would have to

01:27:42.970 --> 01:27:44.890
be saying on some level as I think

01:27:44.890 --> 01:27:47.170
you've just said and it would be very

01:27:47.170 --> 01:27:49.660
bad it would be terrible I would be a

01:27:49.660 --> 01:27:52.270
no-goodnik if I would just watch it I

01:27:52.270 --> 01:27:54.700
don't never get what I want if I were

01:27:54.700 --> 01:27:56.110
just a Jane Doe and I thought I have to

01:27:56.110 --> 01:27:57.730
accept it I'd never get what I want and

01:27:57.730 --> 01:27:58.750
I don't want to live the rest of my life

01:27:58.750 --> 01:28:01.050
with just kicking in well why not

01:28:01.050 --> 01:28:03.070
necessarily so you've never you really

01:28:03.070 --> 01:28:04.330
mean your chances would be reduced

01:28:04.330 --> 01:28:06.940
because we know some icky girls who get

01:28:06.940 --> 01:28:09.820
some splendid men don't yeah if they say

01:28:09.820 --> 01:28:11.260
you're generalizing there you're saying

01:28:11.260 --> 01:28:14.110
it probably would be that I'd have a

01:28:14.110 --> 01:28:15.820
more difficult time but then you're

01:28:15.820 --> 01:28:18.220
jumping to therefore I'd never get at

01:28:18.220 --> 01:28:20.320
all you ain't a catastrophizing there

01:28:20.320 --> 01:28:22.330
that you jump to yes but it feels that

01:28:22.330 --> 01:28:23.710
way to me at the time it seems like

01:28:23.710 --> 01:28:26.020
forever that's right but isn't that a

01:28:26.020 --> 01:28:28.270
vote of non-confidence in you an

01:28:28.270 --> 01:28:30.940
essential vote of non-confidence and the

01:28:30.940 --> 01:28:32.950
non-confidence is because you're saying

01:28:32.950 --> 01:28:35.020
one I don't want to miss out on I think

01:28:35.020 --> 01:28:36.700
I would like to get the kind of a man I

01:28:36.700 --> 01:28:40.600
want and be a in your word superior kind

01:28:40.600 --> 01:28:42.430
of girl who gets a superior kind of man

01:28:42.430 --> 01:28:46.840
yes but if I don't then I'm practically

01:28:46.840 --> 01:28:48.880
on the other side of the chain

01:28:48.880 --> 01:28:51.400
completely a no-goodnik somebody will

01:28:51.400 --> 01:28:52.370
never

01:28:52.370 --> 01:28:54.050
anything that I want which is quite an

01:28:54.050 --> 01:28:58.220
extreme away isn't it yes and that's

01:28:58.220 --> 01:28:59.990
what I call catastrophizing taking a

01:28:59.990 --> 01:29:01.670
true statement and there is a good deal

01:29:01.670 --> 01:29:03.890
truth what you're saying if you didn't

01:29:03.890 --> 01:29:05.390
get the kind of a man you watch it that

01:29:05.390 --> 01:29:07.250
it would be inconvenient annoying

01:29:07.250 --> 01:29:09.680
frustrating which it really would be and

01:29:09.680 --> 01:29:12.020
then saying I'd never possibly get what

01:29:12.020 --> 01:29:13.940
I want and even beyond that you're

01:29:13.940 --> 01:29:15.290
really saying and then I couldn't be a

01:29:15.290 --> 01:29:16.790
happy human being aren't you really

01:29:16.790 --> 01:29:19.130
saying that but let's just look at that

01:29:19.130 --> 01:29:20.540
let's just assume the worst the

01:29:20.540 --> 01:29:22.300
spiritual Russell once said years ago

01:29:22.300 --> 01:29:24.860
assume the worst that you never got at

01:29:24.860 --> 01:29:26.600
all for whatever the reasons may be the

01:29:26.600 --> 01:29:28.520
kind of a man you want look at all the

01:29:28.520 --> 01:29:29.900
other things you could do in life to be

01:29:29.900 --> 01:29:34.250
happy well I don't like the whole

01:29:34.250 --> 01:29:35.780
process I don't even like if I'm going

01:29:35.780 --> 01:29:39.050
through it I don't all right even if it

01:29:39.050 --> 01:29:40.880
wasn't a catastrophe yeah even if I

01:29:40.880 --> 01:29:42.380
didn't look at it as a catastrophe I

01:29:42.380 --> 01:29:43.820
don't like the way I'm living right now

01:29:43.820 --> 01:29:46.070
for example when I meet somebody that

01:29:46.070 --> 01:29:47.210
I'm interested in that could have some

01:29:47.210 --> 01:29:49.580
potential by the way I find I'm not near

01:29:49.580 --> 01:29:52.220
as relaxed with him I worry more should

01:29:52.220 --> 01:29:53.270
I be friendly should I kiss him

01:29:53.270 --> 01:29:54.920
goodnight should I do this if it's just

01:29:54.920 --> 01:29:56.480
a Joe doe and I don't give it on I can

01:29:56.480 --> 01:29:58.520
be anything I want to be I turn out to

01:29:58.520 --> 01:30:00.260
be more of a person when I'm not as

01:30:00.260 --> 01:30:02.540
concerned I don't like the way I'm up

01:30:02.540 --> 01:30:05.060
well I would you're not you're not

01:30:05.060 --> 01:30:06.710
really concerned you're over concerned

01:30:06.710 --> 01:30:08.120
you're anxious because you were just

01:30:08.120 --> 01:30:09.680
concerned you do your best you'd be

01:30:09.680 --> 01:30:10.370
saying yourself

01:30:10.370 --> 01:30:13.160
if I succeed great if I don't succeed

01:30:13.160 --> 01:30:15.530
top right now I won't get what I want

01:30:15.530 --> 01:30:17.660
but you're over consider actions you're

01:30:17.660 --> 01:30:19.730
really saying again that's what you said

01:30:19.730 --> 01:30:21.560
a moment ago if I don't get what I want

01:30:21.560 --> 01:30:23.780
right now I'll never get it and that

01:30:23.780 --> 01:30:25.700
would be so awful that I've got to get

01:30:25.700 --> 01:30:27.320
it right now that causes the anxiety

01:30:27.320 --> 01:30:29.900
doesn't it yes or else work toward it

01:30:29.900 --> 01:30:32.210
yes but if I don't get it right now

01:30:32.210 --> 01:30:33.290
that's alright but I want to feel like

01:30:33.290 --> 01:30:35.660
I'm working toward it yes that you want

01:30:35.660 --> 01:30:37.850
a guarantee I hear my trained ears hear

01:30:37.850 --> 01:30:39.560
you saying I would like a guarantee of

01:30:39.560 --> 01:30:42.170
working towards there are none sir well

01:30:42.170 --> 01:30:43.610
no dr. house

01:30:43.610 --> 01:30:44.900
I don't know why I'm coming out that way

01:30:44.900 --> 01:30:47.000
what I really mean is I want a step

01:30:47.000 --> 01:30:48.320
toward working toward it

01:30:48.320 --> 01:30:51.320
well I bother you I don't know I thought

01:30:51.320 --> 01:30:53.840
well what I was hoping is whatever this

01:30:53.840 --> 01:30:55.700
isn't me why I don't seem to be

01:30:55.700 --> 01:30:57.320
attracting these coming and why seem on

01:30:57.320 --> 01:31:00.860
the defensive why I seem more afraid you

01:31:00.860 --> 01:31:02.480
could help me when it is I'm afraid of

01:31:02.480 --> 01:31:04.160
so I won't do it so much well my

01:31:04.160 --> 01:31:06.170
hypothesis is so far that what you're

01:31:06.170 --> 01:31:09.350
afraid of is not just family with this

01:31:09.350 --> 01:31:11.150
individual man which is really the only

01:31:11.150 --> 01:31:12.770
thing at issue when you go out with a

01:31:12.770 --> 01:31:14.450
new and we're talking about eligible

01:31:14.450 --> 01:31:16.820
males I will rule out the ineligible one

01:31:16.820 --> 01:31:19.100
you're not just afraid that you'll miss

01:31:19.100 --> 01:31:19.940
this one

01:31:19.940 --> 01:31:22.250
you're afraid that you'll miss this one

01:31:22.250 --> 01:31:24.440
and therefore you miss every other and

01:31:24.440 --> 01:31:26.780
therefore you prove that you are really

01:31:26.780 --> 01:31:28.940
not up to getting what you want and

01:31:28.940 --> 01:31:32.000
wouldn't that be awful you're bringing

01:31:32.000 --> 01:31:34.280
in these catastrophe you sound more

01:31:34.280 --> 01:31:36.320
strong in it but that's similar I feel

01:31:36.320 --> 01:31:38.660
like this is Cecilia if I keep this up

01:31:38.660 --> 01:31:40.730
because I think I'm doing there's

01:31:40.730 --> 01:31:42.020
something I'm doing that to be as real a

01:31:42.020 --> 01:31:43.100
person with these men that I'm

01:31:43.100 --> 01:31:44.780
interested as write your defeating your

01:31:44.780 --> 01:31:46.850
own ends but I've done it again if I

01:31:46.850 --> 01:31:48.470
weren't so doggone anxious about trying

01:31:48.470 --> 01:31:50.090
to hook this guy I could be more real

01:31:50.090 --> 01:31:51.800
he's going to enjoy me more if I'm real

01:31:51.800 --> 01:31:54.170
anyway so I'm only giving him the stinky

01:31:54.170 --> 01:31:55.970
part of me right how can anybody I

01:31:55.970 --> 01:31:57.830
respect respect it's a church and that's

01:31:57.830 --> 01:31:59.120
what I am when I don't really come

01:31:59.120 --> 01:32:01.400
through but look how you just devalued

01:32:01.400 --> 01:32:02.840
yourself let's just suppose in sake of

01:32:02.840 --> 01:32:04.880
argument you kept giving the stinky part

01:32:04.880 --> 01:32:07.400
of you a human being another person

01:32:07.400 --> 01:32:08.870
who's trying to get interest in you

01:32:08.870 --> 01:32:11.750
might not like these attributes these

01:32:11.750 --> 01:32:13.730
characteristics of you but I don't think

01:32:13.730 --> 01:32:16.640
he's going to despise you as a person

01:32:16.640 --> 01:32:18.830
who's you are really doing I don't I'm

01:32:18.830 --> 01:32:20.240
writer on myself and I think that's

01:32:20.240 --> 01:32:22.160
exactly of course like me there's not

01:32:22.160 --> 01:32:24.470
enough to me right and I say before if

01:32:24.470 --> 01:32:26.210
people just didn't like you when you

01:32:26.210 --> 01:32:27.770
went through enough of lemon it would be

01:32:27.770 --> 01:32:29.150
hard to go through enough that it would

01:32:29.150 --> 01:32:31.310
be possible you'd eventually find one

01:32:31.310 --> 01:32:33.080
who did like you and whom you like but

01:32:33.080 --> 01:32:34.400
as long as you devalue yourself

01:32:34.400 --> 01:32:36.640
personally in your own eyes you

01:32:36.640 --> 01:32:38.960
complicate the problem enormous ly and

01:32:38.960 --> 01:32:41.240
you're not focusing on how can I be

01:32:41.240 --> 01:32:42.230
myself

01:32:42.230 --> 01:32:44.470
change the traits if you for example

01:32:44.470 --> 01:32:48.590
Hedy let us just say a mangled arm and

01:32:48.590 --> 01:32:51.210
you wouldn't accept your whole person

01:32:51.210 --> 01:32:54.240
being because of this mangled arm then

01:32:54.240 --> 01:32:56.070
you would focus so much on that mangled

01:32:56.070 --> 01:32:57.330
arm that you wouldn't be able to do

01:32:57.330 --> 01:32:58.770
things that you wouldn't otherwise be

01:32:58.770 --> 01:33:01.110
able to do it's almost what I did yes

01:33:01.110 --> 01:33:03.210
yes you say that's exactly so you taking

01:33:03.210 --> 01:33:06.240
a part of you an arm and focusing almost

01:33:06.240 --> 01:33:08.370
completely on that in just to bring it

01:33:08.370 --> 01:33:11.040
down to our own conversation taking a

01:33:11.040 --> 01:33:13.650
part of you your shyness you're not

01:33:13.650 --> 01:33:15.420
being yourself with males and focusing

01:33:15.420 --> 01:33:17.340
so much on that part that you're almost

01:33:17.340 --> 01:33:19.680
making not at the whole of you and you

01:33:19.680 --> 01:33:22.320
get an awful picture of your total self

01:33:22.320 --> 01:33:24.570
because of this defective part and we're

01:33:24.570 --> 01:33:26.460
assuming you and I didn't is effective

01:33:26.460 --> 01:33:27.900
we're not glossing opens they know

01:33:27.900 --> 01:33:29.670
you're doing alright you're not doing

01:33:29.670 --> 01:33:31.920
that well right now you can accept

01:33:31.920 --> 01:33:34.800
yourself for the time being with this

01:33:34.800 --> 01:33:37.290
defective part with these attributes and

01:33:37.290 --> 01:33:39.390
not beat yourself over the head as I see

01:33:39.390 --> 01:33:41.430
of you definitely in doing then it

01:33:41.430 --> 01:33:43.560
becomes a relatively simple problem to

01:33:43.560 --> 01:33:46.010
work and practice to work and practice

01:33:46.010 --> 01:33:49.020
against this negative attribute in other

01:33:49.020 --> 01:33:50.940
words let's get back to that now how to

01:33:50.940 --> 01:33:52.950
be yourself let's just suppose for the

01:33:52.950 --> 01:33:54.270
moment that you really were fully

01:33:54.270 --> 01:33:56.010
accepting yourself with your failings

01:33:56.010 --> 01:33:57.990
alright you know you're going to go how

01:33:57.990 --> 01:33:59.790
you know you're gonna screw up with the

01:33:59.790 --> 01:34:01.920
next man man after that an old

01:34:01.920 --> 01:34:03.330
probability but you're saying alright I

01:34:03.330 --> 01:34:04.740
have to go through a learning process

01:34:04.740 --> 01:34:06.810
that's too bad I won't be very good

01:34:06.810 --> 01:34:09.330
during this while but I'll do it just as

01:34:09.330 --> 01:34:11.070
I would add ice skating where I have to

01:34:11.070 --> 01:34:13.230
fall on my neck for a few times before I

01:34:13.230 --> 01:34:15.060
learned to ice skate okay now let's

01:34:15.060 --> 01:34:17.370
suppose that man if that was so you were

01:34:17.370 --> 01:34:20.400
really accepting you you go out take the

01:34:20.400 --> 01:34:23.040
risks of being you because after all if

01:34:23.040 --> 01:34:25.080
you do in one of these then you have to

01:34:25.080 --> 01:34:27.090
be yourself you're not winning them for

01:34:27.090 --> 01:34:28.680
a day you're not winning them for a fair

01:34:28.680 --> 01:34:30.660
I assume you want to marry one of these

01:34:30.660 --> 01:34:33.380
individuals eventually and be

01:34:33.380 --> 01:34:35.370
relationship I don't think so yeah he

01:34:35.370 --> 01:34:36.480
reaches along alright a long

01:34:36.480 --> 01:34:38.040
relationship in the course of which you

01:34:38.040 --> 01:34:39.690
couldn't ask so we don't want to give

01:34:39.690 --> 01:34:41.910
you something I think well that he'll

01:34:41.910 --> 01:34:43.860
later find that was a role playing good

01:34:43.860 --> 01:34:45.750
thing so you have to eventually be

01:34:45.750 --> 01:34:48.690
yourself now if you really weren't so

01:34:48.690 --> 01:34:51.450
disturbed about these present current

01:34:51.450 --> 01:34:53.760
failings views you could go out and be

01:34:53.760 --> 01:34:56.460
this self of yours ask yourself what do

01:34:56.460 --> 01:34:58.390
I really want to do with

01:34:58.390 --> 01:35:01.390
man to help and join him and have him

01:35:01.390 --> 01:35:03.100
help and join me because that's the

01:35:03.100 --> 01:35:05.380
basic function of life enjoyment which

01:35:05.380 --> 01:35:08.290
we can't lose and you force yourself to

01:35:08.290 --> 01:35:10.990
take the risk of being back because if

01:35:10.990 --> 01:35:12.820
you succeeded great

01:35:12.820 --> 01:35:15.640
if you fail too bad either you not for

01:35:15.640 --> 01:35:17.380
him or he may even not be for you

01:35:17.380 --> 01:35:19.030
because don't forget you said before

01:35:19.030 --> 01:35:20.800
when these men are projecting you assume

01:35:20.800 --> 01:35:23.170
right away it must be my doing a my

01:35:23.170 --> 01:35:25.630
fault you know they may not be your cup

01:35:25.630 --> 01:35:27.820
of tea and you may not be their cup of

01:35:27.820 --> 01:35:30.430
tea and it's nobody's fault it's just

01:35:30.430 --> 01:35:32.710
true incompatible with it yes you say

01:35:32.710 --> 01:35:35.350
yes so if you would really accept

01:35:35.350 --> 01:35:37.540
yourself as you are and then force

01:35:37.540 --> 01:35:39.580
yourself as if you were one of my

01:35:39.580 --> 01:35:41.140
regular patients I would give you this

01:35:41.140 --> 01:35:43.330
homework assignments and then check up

01:35:43.330 --> 01:35:45.070
on you to see whether you can force

01:35:45.070 --> 01:35:47.770
yourself to open your big mouth and be

01:35:47.770 --> 01:35:51.250
you for a while even though it hurt with

01:35:51.250 --> 01:35:54.400
these nails you would find the a you

01:35:54.400 --> 01:35:56.830
would start being yourself and gradually

01:35:56.830 --> 01:35:58.780
laughing off these inefficiencies which

01:35:58.780 --> 01:36:00.970
incidentally are the result of not being

01:36:00.970 --> 01:36:03.070
you but watching yourself from the

01:36:03.070 --> 01:36:05.620
outside while you trying to be you which

01:36:05.620 --> 01:36:07.330
is almost impossible because you can't

01:36:07.330 --> 01:36:09.820
spy on yourself and still be yourself

01:36:09.820 --> 01:36:12.460
very well at the same time no but it

01:36:12.460 --> 01:36:14.920
would become like a habit after a while

01:36:14.920 --> 01:36:17.260
if you took the risks and force yourself

01:36:17.260 --> 01:36:20.080
to as I said open your big mouth and

01:36:20.080 --> 01:36:22.270
even though you thought maybe it'll come

01:36:22.270 --> 01:36:24.610
out badly maybe he won't like me maybe

01:36:24.610 --> 01:36:26.860
I'll lose him complete me and so on and

01:36:26.860 --> 01:36:30.490
so forth then you start swinging in the

01:36:30.490 --> 01:36:33.550
groove and being what you want to be and

01:36:33.550 --> 01:36:35.500
I would almost guarantee that you'd

01:36:35.500 --> 01:36:37.450
become more practice than less

01:36:37.450 --> 01:36:39.520
inefficient especially in terms of the

01:36:39.520 --> 01:36:41.680
shyness because you wouldn't be focusing

01:36:41.680 --> 01:36:43.330
on oh my god isn't this awful how bad I

01:36:43.330 --> 01:36:46.360
am you would be focusing on what a place

01:36:46.360 --> 01:36:49.420
individual this is and how can I enjoy

01:36:49.420 --> 01:36:52.900
him which is the oh the focus well you

01:36:52.900 --> 01:36:54.059
see my relationship

01:36:54.059 --> 01:36:56.070
other way how can I be more attractive

01:36:56.070 --> 01:36:57.989
to him and how can he be pleased by me

01:36:57.989 --> 01:37:01.469
because underneath if I am NOT then I

01:37:01.469 --> 01:37:04.260
cannot enjoy myself I refuse to accept

01:37:04.260 --> 01:37:07.980
myself unless I attract and win this

01:37:07.980 --> 01:37:09.750
good individual isn't that what you

01:37:09.750 --> 01:37:11.639
basically yes and I even go further dr.

01:37:11.639 --> 01:37:14.070
must win when there is one of these men

01:37:14.070 --> 01:37:17.190
I come in contact with and I find that I

01:37:17.190 --> 01:37:18.300
want it called a bit more of a

01:37:18.300 --> 01:37:20.070
relationship well if he accepts me I'm

01:37:20.070 --> 01:37:21.900
going along pretty great I find myself

01:37:21.900 --> 01:37:24.449
constantly on the defensive honestly

01:37:24.449 --> 01:37:26.219
watching the way I see it not drinking

01:37:26.219 --> 01:37:27.900
too much the whole time instead of just

01:37:27.900 --> 01:37:29.520
relaxing a single eater like Mary

01:37:29.520 --> 01:37:31.409
doesn't supposed in psychotherapy you're

01:37:31.409 --> 01:37:32.909
giving a very good illustration of why

01:37:32.909 --> 01:37:36.030
other directors this is business other

01:37:36.030 --> 01:37:38.159
directors it doesn't pay because if you

01:37:38.159 --> 01:37:40.889
really are defining yourself in terms of

01:37:40.889 --> 01:37:42.809
others estimation of you then even when

01:37:42.809 --> 01:37:43.829
you're ahead of the game and you're

01:37:43.829 --> 01:37:45.420
winning them you have to be saved

01:37:45.420 --> 01:37:46.889
yourself will I win them today will I

01:37:46.889 --> 01:37:48.420
win them tomorrow will I keep winning

01:37:48.420 --> 01:37:50.639
them and you're always focused on am i

01:37:50.639 --> 01:37:53.099
doing the thing to please him and you

01:37:53.099 --> 01:37:55.739
never are yourself you never have itself

01:37:55.739 --> 01:37:58.559
while if you're saying what do I want to

01:37:58.559 --> 01:38:00.780
do in life there must be some human

01:38:00.780 --> 01:38:03.329
beings who would like me the way I am

01:38:03.329 --> 01:38:05.849
let's see if this is one of those human

01:38:05.849 --> 01:38:08.639
beings then that's the only way isn't it

01:38:08.639 --> 01:38:11.070
that you can be you see you know we

01:38:11.070 --> 01:38:12.809
haven't got too much car now so let's

01:38:12.809 --> 01:38:15.389
try to get it off on a constructive

01:38:15.389 --> 01:38:17.280
notice more concretely what you can do

01:38:17.280 --> 01:38:19.710
you asked before where you can go how

01:38:19.710 --> 01:38:22.650
you can meet new people I'd say that I

01:38:22.650 --> 01:38:24.630
don't know this particular area but it's

01:38:24.630 --> 01:38:27.360
almost any place if you could do what we

01:38:27.360 --> 01:38:29.219
are talking about really take risks and

01:38:29.219 --> 01:38:31.460
focus on what you want out of life and

01:38:31.460 --> 01:38:34.079
on the fact that it's going to take time

01:38:34.079 --> 01:38:36.179
which unfortunately it does and then

01:38:36.179 --> 01:38:38.099
it's not awful and you are not awful

01:38:38.099 --> 01:38:40.619
while it's taking that time then you can

01:38:40.619 --> 01:38:43.559
leave yourself open unsure lead to all

01:38:43.559 --> 01:38:45.869
kinds of new and counselors and these

01:38:45.869 --> 01:38:48.989
encounters can take place on buses while

01:38:48.989 --> 01:38:50.820
waiting for a streetcar

01:38:50.820 --> 01:38:52.770
they have streetcars in this area at

01:38:52.770 --> 01:38:55.469
cocktail parties anywhere you can talk

01:38:55.469 --> 01:38:58.230
to people who look eligible you can ask

01:38:58.230 --> 01:39:00.329
your friends to get you eligible but

01:39:00.329 --> 01:39:01.470
males

01:39:01.470 --> 01:39:04.020
but the main thing is that you have to

01:39:04.020 --> 01:39:07.740
pay like yourself while you're not doing

01:39:07.740 --> 01:39:12.240
badly and be not be intolerance against

01:39:12.240 --> 01:39:14.760
conditions which are bad and I'm

01:39:14.760 --> 01:39:17.220
agreeing with you that they are now as I

01:39:17.220 --> 01:39:18.720
said I would give you if your aphasia

01:39:18.720 --> 01:39:20.480
mind the homework assignment of

01:39:20.480 --> 01:39:23.820
deliberately very deliberately going out

01:39:23.820 --> 01:39:25.740
and getting yourself into trouble in

01:39:25.740 --> 01:39:27.810
other words taking the most eligible

01:39:27.810 --> 01:39:30.620
males you can find at the moment and

01:39:30.620 --> 01:39:33.690
forcing yourself risking yourself to be

01:39:33.690 --> 01:39:36.630
you are you saying even if it were like

01:39:36.630 --> 01:39:38.430
if I went into a doctor's office to

01:39:38.430 --> 01:39:40.110
start a conversation with him because he

01:39:40.110 --> 01:39:42.330
was attractive to me or he appealed to

01:39:42.330 --> 01:39:44.310
me right if I go so far as to starting

01:39:44.310 --> 01:39:45.720
out a conversation with him personally

01:39:45.720 --> 01:39:49.230
and why not it is an eligible individual

01:39:49.230 --> 01:39:51.240
any kind of an eligible individual I

01:39:51.240 --> 01:39:52.830
know you accept that but that seems

01:39:52.830 --> 01:39:55.590
awfully brazen I symbol X suppose it is

01:39:55.590 --> 01:39:57.120
brazen what have you got to lose the

01:39:57.120 --> 01:39:59.130
worst he can do is reject you and you

01:39:59.130 --> 01:40:01.560
don't have to reject you if you were

01:40:01.560 --> 01:40:03.030
thinking along the lines that we've been

01:40:03.030 --> 01:40:06.480
25 minutes a second so yeah now can you

01:40:06.480 --> 01:40:09.960
try to do that I think I think so in

01:40:09.960 --> 01:40:11.880
order to give me a spurt to go out and

01:40:11.880 --> 01:40:13.650
see you're right that's all I can do is

01:40:13.650 --> 01:40:16.680
be rejected right and that needs you

01:40:16.680 --> 01:40:19.710
intact it just leaves you unfortunately

01:40:19.710 --> 01:40:21.500
not for the moment getting what you want

01:40:21.500 --> 01:40:24.300
so you try to go anywhere in red and

01:40:24.300 --> 01:40:26.730
I'll be very interested in finding out

01:40:26.730 --> 01:40:29.250
what happened oh I'm excited and father

01:40:29.250 --> 01:40:31.260
well it was certainly very nice meeting

01:40:31.260 --> 01:40:35.750
you for thank you doctor

01:40:35.750 --> 01:40:40.640
I enjoyed talking with this interesting

01:40:40.640 --> 01:40:43.310
and I think highly courageous patient

01:40:43.310 --> 01:40:46.550
and thought that it gave a the session

01:40:46.550 --> 01:40:48.590
gave a pretty good illustration of a

01:40:48.590 --> 01:40:50.420
fairly typical session of rational

01:40:50.420 --> 01:40:53.300
emotive psychotherapy how was it typical

01:40:53.300 --> 01:40:57.230
in several ways in the first place I was

01:40:57.230 --> 01:41:01.280
able rather rapidly and quickly to get

01:41:01.280 --> 01:41:02.660
to some of what I think are the

01:41:02.660 --> 01:41:04.670
philosophic cores of the patient's

01:41:04.670 --> 01:41:07.400
disturbances to show her that the reason

01:41:07.400 --> 01:41:11.900
she is feeling shy and the shame frayed

01:41:11.900 --> 01:41:15.560
in this instance is because even though

01:41:15.560 --> 01:41:18.530
partially unwittingly she is defining

01:41:18.530 --> 01:41:20.860
herself in a very negative way or

01:41:20.860 --> 01:41:23.690
devaluing herself by blaming herself too

01:41:23.690 --> 01:41:26.740
much for imperfect behavior because

01:41:26.740 --> 01:41:29.390
perfectionism is the root of most human

01:41:29.390 --> 01:41:31.910
evils and she was showing some fairly

01:41:31.910 --> 01:41:35.120
typical perfectionistic notions so very

01:41:35.120 --> 01:41:37.010
quickly as is usually done in rational

01:41:37.010 --> 01:41:39.620
emotive psychotherapy we skip some of

01:41:39.620 --> 01:41:42.110
the asides we skip going back into the

01:41:42.110 --> 01:41:43.970
history of some of the psycho analysts

01:41:43.970 --> 01:41:47.420
do and we skip some of the transference

01:41:47.420 --> 01:41:50.630
relations between us and the patient and

01:41:50.630 --> 01:41:53.930
we skip some of the nonverbal expression

01:41:53.930 --> 01:41:55.970
not that we think these things are quite

01:41:55.970 --> 01:41:57.650
unimportant that we think there are

01:41:57.650 --> 01:42:00.410
relatively little relevance to the basic

01:42:00.410 --> 01:42:02.390
core of the patient's disturbance which

01:42:02.390 --> 01:42:05.120
is her philosophy of life typically

01:42:05.120 --> 01:42:07.550
again this patient showed both anxiety

01:42:07.550 --> 01:42:10.850
and low frustration tolerance which most

01:42:10.850 --> 01:42:12.560
patients showed and these were

01:42:12.560 --> 01:42:16.550
intertwined and again very usually she

01:42:16.550 --> 01:42:18.650
was then beating herself over the head

01:42:18.650 --> 01:42:20.570
blaming herself condemning herself for

01:42:20.570 --> 01:42:25.220
feeling these kinds of feelings now she

01:42:25.220 --> 01:42:27.440
did not see very clearly at least I

01:42:27.440 --> 01:42:28.430
thought so at the beginning of the

01:42:28.430 --> 01:42:31.490
session exactly what the claritin

01:42:31.490 --> 01:42:33.530
sentences and exclamatory sentences she

01:42:33.530 --> 01:42:35.780
was telling herself to create these

01:42:35.780 --> 01:42:37.960
feelings and I endeavoured to show her

01:42:37.960 --> 01:42:40.820
some of these sentences and what could

01:42:40.820 --> 01:42:42.920
be done about it

01:42:42.920 --> 01:42:44.810
among other things I also though briefly

01:42:44.810 --> 01:42:47.060
because this is just one brief session

01:42:47.060 --> 01:42:49.310
tried to give her a homework assignment

01:42:49.310 --> 01:42:51.380
that you could go and get her teeth into

01:42:51.380 --> 01:42:54.949
and actively try to do 2d propagandize

01:42:54.949 --> 01:42:57.560
herself by going out and taking risks

01:42:57.560 --> 01:42:59.510
which normally up to now she hadn't been

01:42:59.510 --> 01:43:02.360
taking that much of it's interesting to

01:43:02.360 --> 01:43:03.949
note that again quite typically in this

01:43:03.949 --> 01:43:06.050
session although I was attacking fairly

01:43:06.050 --> 01:43:07.910
vigorously the patient's attitudes or

01:43:07.910 --> 01:43:10.850
philosophies she did not feel an attack

01:43:10.850 --> 01:43:13.310
on her she felt that I was supporting

01:43:13.310 --> 01:43:16.100
her anything and she ended up I thought

01:43:16.100 --> 01:43:18.020
rather optimistically feeling that I had

01:43:18.020 --> 01:43:20.239
given her several ideas of what she

01:43:20.239 --> 01:43:23.090
could do in the future again rather

01:43:23.090 --> 01:43:25.750
typically in this session I kept

01:43:25.750 --> 01:43:28.790
persuading the patients and attacking

01:43:28.790 --> 01:43:31.280
her ideas and showing her that her

01:43:31.280 --> 01:43:34.670
philosophy of life not only was such and

01:43:34.670 --> 01:43:36.860
such but that if she stuck to this kind

01:43:36.860 --> 01:43:38.600
of philosophy she had to get negative

01:43:38.600 --> 01:43:41.660
and self-defeating results from it and

01:43:41.660 --> 01:43:45.920
then I kept persistently going on even

01:43:45.920 --> 01:43:48.140
though a time she became defensive and

01:43:48.140 --> 01:43:50.330
wasn't quite accepting by any means what

01:43:50.330 --> 01:43:51.650
I was saying

01:43:51.650 --> 01:43:54.830
I didn't let this bother me but kept

01:43:54.830 --> 01:43:58.340
going on against her basic core system

01:43:58.340 --> 01:44:00.770
her value system because this is again

01:44:00.770 --> 01:44:03.020
what bothers patients that they give up

01:44:03.020 --> 01:44:05.300
very easily on attacking their own

01:44:05.300 --> 01:44:07.250
negative evaluations of themselves and

01:44:07.250 --> 01:44:10.219
therefore they persist forever now the

01:44:10.219 --> 01:44:11.989
world limitations of course especially

01:44:11.989 --> 01:44:14.929
in terms of time through the session and

01:44:14.929 --> 01:44:17.600
these limitations did have some effect

01:44:17.600 --> 01:44:19.790
for example it wasn't a not enough time

01:44:19.790 --> 01:44:21.860
for repetition in several sessions I

01:44:21.860 --> 01:44:23.840
would have gone over much of the same

01:44:23.840 --> 01:44:25.730
material until I was sure that hadn't

01:44:25.730 --> 01:44:27.650
sunk in then I would have had time to

01:44:27.650 --> 01:44:30.170
get feedback from the patient to see

01:44:30.170 --> 01:44:32.270
whether she really understood in action

01:44:32.270 --> 01:44:33.650
in particular what I was talking about

01:44:33.650 --> 01:44:35.420
and whether she was following it up or

01:44:35.420 --> 01:44:38.090
leading herself up some other diverting

01:44:38.090 --> 01:44:41.210
pathway which people can do there was no

01:44:41.210 --> 01:44:43.370
time to emphasize that she would have to

01:44:43.370 --> 01:44:46.850
continually reassess her evaluations of

01:44:46.850 --> 01:44:48.650
herself and her general philosophies and

01:44:48.650 --> 01:44:52.010
do rethinking for the rest of the life

01:44:52.010 --> 01:44:53.869
time to show the patient very much that

01:44:53.869 --> 01:44:55.670
even during this session in relation to

01:44:55.670 --> 01:44:57.530
me and what she was saying about herself

01:44:57.530 --> 01:44:59.840
that she was displaying her bad

01:44:59.840 --> 01:45:03.019
attitudes toward herself and finally

01:45:03.019 --> 01:45:04.789
there was no occasion because this was

01:45:04.789 --> 01:45:07.969
an individual session to see how she

01:45:07.969 --> 01:45:10.250
related specifically to other non

01:45:10.250 --> 01:45:12.139
therapists so she would in group therapy

01:45:12.139 --> 01:45:14.960
and in the midst of this group situation

01:45:14.960 --> 01:45:16.760
to show her exactly what was going on

01:45:16.760 --> 01:45:19.369
and what she could do about it but I do

01:45:19.369 --> 01:45:22.719
feel hope hopeful about the session and

01:45:22.719 --> 01:45:25.190
think that perhaps I was able to at

01:45:25.190 --> 01:45:27.650
least to give the patient a few ideas

01:45:27.650 --> 01:45:29.599
which he could then go out and work on

01:45:29.599 --> 01:45:32.420
on her own because unless patients do

01:45:32.420 --> 01:45:34.849
work themselves with the material that

01:45:34.849 --> 01:45:37.449
we therapists give them in psychotherapy

01:45:37.449 --> 01:45:40.159
nothing eventually happens it isn't any

01:45:40.159 --> 01:45:42.230
magic that we have for them but we can

01:45:42.230 --> 01:45:45.289
give them certain catalytic ideas and

01:45:45.289 --> 01:45:47.659
influences which then if they work and

01:45:47.659 --> 01:45:49.969
practice at work and practice that will

01:45:49.969 --> 01:45:54.000
do them good for the rest of their lives