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(Music)

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(Everett L Shostrom)Psychotherapy is such
a personal and private process

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that it is a mystery to most people
who have never gone through it

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The following series is a unique effort
that allows us to sit in

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on what is ordinarily
a very private therapeutic experience.

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An actual patient was courageous enough
and considerate enough

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to allow herself to be photographed

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while actually engaged in therapy with
three different therapists.

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Thus we're allowed the privilege
of seeing and feeling

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feeling what really transpires.

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A film series like this,

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in which three therapists distinguished
by their different orientations

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share their therapeutic endeavors
has never been made before.

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We therefore wish to express our gratitude
to Gloria, the patient,

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and to her therapists for allowing us
to share in their therapeutic adventure

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This series will be divided into
three separate films.

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in the first film we see doctor Carl Rogers
founder of client-centered therapy

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interviewing Gloria.

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In film number two, Dr. Frederick Perls,
founder of Gestalt therapy

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is working with her

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and in film number three
Dr. Albert Ellis,

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founder of rational-emotive therapy
is our therapist

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each therapist will first describe
his system of therapy briefly.

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He will then demonstrate
his work with Gloria

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and then he will comment briefly
on his work

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Now here is Dr. Carl Rogers.

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(Carl Rogers) From my own years
of therapeutic experience,

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I have come to feel that
if I can create the proper climate,

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the proper relationship,
the proper conditions,

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a process of therapeutic movement will
almost inevitably occur in my client.

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You may ask: 'What is this climate?
What are these conditions?

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'Will they exist in the interview
with the woman I am about to talk with,

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'and whom I have never seen before?'

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Let me try to describe very briefly
what these conditions are as I see them.

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First of all, one question is,
can I be real in the relationship?

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This has come to have an increasing amount
of importance to me over the years.

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I feel that genuineness
is another way of describing

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the quality I would like to have.

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I like the term 'congruent', by which.
I mean that what I am experiencing inside

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is present in my awareness and comes out
through my communication.

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In a sense, when I have this quality, 
I am all in one piece in the relationship.

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There is another word
that describes it for me.

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I feel that in the relationship,
I would like to have a 'transparency.'

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I would be quite willing for my client
to see all the way through me,

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that there would be nothing,
nothing hidden.

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And when lam real in this fashion
that I'm trying to describe,

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then I know that my own feelings will often
bubble up into awareness

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and be expressed,

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but be expressed in ways that won't
impose themselves on my client.

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Then the second question I would have is,
will I find myself prizing this person,

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caring for this person?

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I certainly don't want to pretend
a caring that I don't feel.

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In fact, if I dislike my client
persistently,

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I feel it is better, that I should express it.

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But I know that the process of therapy
is much more likely to occur

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and constructive change
is much more likely

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if I feel a real spontaneous prizing of
this individual with whom I'm working,

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a prizing of this person
as a separate individual.

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You can call that quality acceptance,
you can call it caring,

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you can call it a non-possessive love
if you wish.

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I think any of those terms
tend to describe it.

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I know that the relationship will prove
more constructive if it's present.

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Then the third quality:

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will I be able to understand
the inner world of this individual

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from the inside?

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And then will I be able to see it
through her eyes?

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Will I be able to be sufficiently sensitive

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to move around
inside the world of her feelings

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so that I know what it feels like to be her,

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so that I can sense not only
the surface meanings,

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but some of the meanings that lie
somewhat underneath the surface.

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I know that if I can let myself
sensitively and accurately

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enter into her world of experience,

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then change and therapeutic movement
are much more likely.

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Well, suppose I am fortunate

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and that I do experience
some of these attitudes

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in the relationship, what then?

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Well, then a variety of things
are likely to happen.

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Both from my clinical experience
and from our research investigations

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we find that if attitudes of the sorts
that I have described are present,

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then quite a number of things will happen.

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She'll explore some of her feelings
and attitudes more deeply.

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She is likely to discover
some hidden aspects of herself

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that she wasn't aware of previously.

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Feeling herself prized by me,

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it is quite possible she'll come
to prize herself more.

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Feeling that some of her meanings
are understood by me,

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then she can more readily perhaps
listen to herself,

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listen to what is going on
within her own experience,

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listen to some of the meanings
she hasn't been able to catch before.

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And perhaps if she senses realness in me,

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she'll be able to be a little more real
within herself.

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I suspect there will be a change
in the manner of her expression,

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at least this has been my experience
in other instances.

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From being rather remote
from her experiencing,

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remote from what is going on within her,

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it's possible that she'll move toward
more immediacy of experiencing,

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that she will be able to sense and express
what's going on in her

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in the immediate moment

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From being disapproving of herself,
it is quite possible

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she will move toward a greater degree
of acceptance of herself.

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From somewhat of a fear of relating,

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she may move toward being able
to relate more directly

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and to encounter me more directly.

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From construing life in somewhat rigid
black and white patterns,'

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she may move toward more tentative ways
of construing her experience

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and of seeing the meanings in it.

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From a locus of evaluation
which is outside of herself,

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it is quite possible she will move
toward recognizing

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a greater capacity within herself for
making judgments and drawing conclusions.

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So those are the some of -- those are some
of the changes that we have.

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If I have any success in creating

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the kind of conditions that I described
initially,

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then we may be able to see
some of these changes in this client

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even though I know in advance that our
contact is going to be very brief. /////

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good morning I'm curious you must be

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Barry yes I am I'm service chair no we

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have half an hour together and I really

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don't know what we'll be able to make of

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it but I hope we can make something else

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be glad to know whatever concerns you

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well I'm right now I'm nervous but I

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feel more comfortable the way you're

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talking in a low voice oh I don't feel

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like you'll be so harsh on me but um I

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hear the tremor in your voice ooh a the

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main thing I want to talk to you about

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is stuff I'm just newly divorced and I

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had gone in therapy before and I felt

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comfortable when I left and all of a

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sudden now the biggest change is

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adjusting to my single life and one of

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the things that bother me the most is

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especially manhe's and having men to the

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house and how it affects the children

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and the biggest thing I want the same

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keeps coming to my mind I want to tell

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you about yes I have a daughter 9 who at

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one time I felt I had a lot of emotional

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problems I wish I could stop shaking and

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I real conscious of things affecting her

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I don't want her to get upset I don't

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want to shock her I want so bad for her

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to accept me and will really open with

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each other especially about sex and the

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other day she saw a girl that was saving

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the pregnant and she asked me all about

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teen girls get pregnant if they're

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single and the conversation was fine and

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I wasn't underneath at all with her

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until she asked me if I'd ever made love

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to a man since I've left her daddy and I

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lied to her and ever since that it keeps

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coming up to my mind cuz I feel so

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guilty lying there there cuz I never

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mind

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wanted to trust me and I want I almost

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want an answer from you I want you to

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tell me if it will affect Iran if I told

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her the truth or would and it is

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concerned about her and the fact that

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you really aren't that this open

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relationship that has existed between

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you and I you feel it kind of yes I feel

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like I have to be on guard about that

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because I didn't when I was a little

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girl when I first found out my mother

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father made love it was dirty and

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terrible and I didn't I didn't like her

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anymore

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for a while and I don't want to lie to

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pan me either and I don't know

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sure wish I could give you the answer as

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to what you should tell her all the

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things you're going to say that because

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what you really want is an answer I want

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to especially know if it would affect

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her if I was completely honest and open

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with her or if it would affect her

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because I lied I feel like it's bound to

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make a strain because I lied to her

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because she'll suspect that or she will

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know something's not quite right fine

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she'll distrust me yes and also I

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thought would she what about when she

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gets a little older and she finds

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herself in touchy situation she probably

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wouldn't want to get it to me because

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she thinks I'm so good and so sweet and

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yet I'm afraid she could think I'm

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really a a devil and I want so bad for

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it except me I don't know how much a

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learner can take and we would both

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alternatives concern you but you might

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think you're too good or better than you

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really are

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yes she might think that you're worse

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than you are not worse than I am

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I don't know she can accept me the way I

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I think I paint a picture that I'm all

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sweet and motherly and I'm not ashamed

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of my shady side too

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it really cuts a little deeper if she

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really knew you would she could she

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accept you this is what I don't know yes

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I don't want to turn away from me I

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don't even know how I feel about it

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because there are times when I feel so

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guilty like when I have the wheel over I

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even try to make a special setup so that

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if I were ever along with them the

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children would never catch me and that

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sort of thing because I'm worried about

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it and yet I also know I have these

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desires let's click here it isn't only

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her problem or the relationship with her

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it's in you as well my guilt oh yeah I

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forgive um so what can I accept myself

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as doing yes and you realize that you

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said observed subterfuges so as to make

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sure that that you're not caught or

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something you realize that you are

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acting from guilt is it yes I don't like

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the way I would like to feel comfortable

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with whatever I do if I choose not to

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tell family the truth to feel

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comfortable that she can't handle it and

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they don't I want to be honest and yet I

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feel there are some areas but I don't

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even accept if you can't accept them in

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yourself how could you possibly be

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comfortable and telling them to her

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right and yet did you say you do have

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these desires and you do have your

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feelings but but you don't feel good

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about

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and I thought you're just gonna sit

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there and let me experiment laughs I

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want more I want you to help me get rid

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of my guilt feeling if I can get rid of

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my guilt feeling about lying or going to

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bed with a single man any of that just

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so I can feel more comfortable and I

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guess I'd like to say no I don't want to

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let's just steal in your feelings but on

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the other hand I also feel that this is

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the kind of very private thing that I

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couldn't possibly answer for you that I

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assure is anything we'll try to help you

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work toward your own answer I don't know

251
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whether that makes any sense to you but

252
00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:03,920
I mean it well I appreciate you saying

253
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,699
that you sound like you mean it but I

254
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:08,480
don't know where to go

255
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,279
I don't begin to know where to go I

256
00:15:10,279 --> 00:15:11,990
thought that I'd pretty well worked over

257
00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:13,610
most of my guilt and now that this is

258
00:15:13,610 --> 00:15:15,829
coming up I'm disappointed in myself

259
00:15:15,829 --> 00:15:19,070
I really am I want I like it when I feel

260
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:20,570
that no matter what I do even if it's

261
00:15:20,570 --> 00:15:23,120
against my own morals or my upbringing

262
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,490
but I can still feel good about me

263
00:15:25,490 --> 00:15:28,250
and now I don't like there's a girl at

264
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:31,070
work who sort of mothers me and she just

265
00:15:31,070 --> 00:15:33,230
she I think she thinks I'm all sweet and

266
00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:35,329
I sure don't want to show my more ornery

267
00:15:35,329 --> 00:15:36,920
devilish side with her I want to be

268
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:38,720
sweet and it's so hard for me to to

269
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,519
selfie so nil again it's so

270
00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:42,440
disappointing yeah I get the

271
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,970
disappointment that here a lot of these

272
00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:45,670
things you thought you'd work through

273
00:15:45,670 --> 00:15:48,260
and now the guilts and a feeling that

274
00:15:48,260 --> 00:15:50,180
only a part of you is acceptable to

275
00:15:50,180 --> 00:15:59,820
anybody else yeah that keeps coming out

276
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:03,750
I guess I could catch the real deep

277
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:06,420
puzzlement that you feel as to what the

278
00:16:06,420 --> 00:16:09,870
hell shall I do yes and you know what I

279
00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:12,930
can find doctor is that everything I

280
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,090
start to do that I impulse it seems

281
00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:17,370
natural to tell Pierre or to go out on a

282
00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:18,680
day or something

283
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,610
uncomfortable until I think how I was

284
00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:22,680
affected as a child and the minute that

285
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:26,430
comes up and I'm all haywire like I want

286
00:16:26,430 --> 00:16:28,290
to be a good mother so bad and I feel

287
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:29,970
like I have a good mother but then

288
00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:32,160
there's those little exceptions like my

289
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,930
guilts with working I want to work and

290
00:16:33,930 --> 00:16:35,610
it's so fun having extra money I like to

291
00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:37,290
work nice the minute I think I'm not

292
00:16:37,290 --> 00:16:38,640
being real good to the children are

293
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,020
giving them enough time then I start

294
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:41,940
feeling guilty again then that's when I

295
00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:43,740
get some what do they call it a double

296
00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:45,180
line that's just what it feels like I

297
00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:46,920
want to do this and it feels right but

298
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,090
after all I'm not being a good mother

299
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,230
and I want to be both

300
00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:51,510
I'm coming more and more aware of what a

301
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,220
perfectionist I am that's what it seems

302
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,080
like I want to be so perfect you know I

303
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,090
want to become perfect in my standards

304
00:16:57,090 --> 00:16:59,850
or not have that need anymore or I guess

305
00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:03,090
I hear it a little differently that what

306
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:05,819
you want us to seem perfect but it means

307
00:17:05,819 --> 00:17:09,780
a great matter of great importance to

308
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:12,630
you to be a good mother and you want to

309
00:17:12,630 --> 00:17:14,400
seem to be a good mother even if some of

310
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,970
your actual feelings differ from them is

311
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,800
it okay yeah I feel like I'm saying that

312
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,770
no that is what I feel really I want to

313
00:17:22,770 --> 00:17:25,230
approve of me always but my actions

314
00:17:25,230 --> 00:17:29,770
won't let me I want to prove with me

315
00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:34,480
I realize you alright let me understand

316
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,990
it the sound of your actions are kind of

317
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,640
outside of you you want to approve of

318
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:44,110
you but what you do somehow won't let

319
00:17:44,110 --> 00:17:49,990
you approve of your site like I feel but

320
00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:51,640
I could approve with myself regarding

321
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,640
for example my sex life it is the big

322
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,920
thing if I really fell in love the man

323
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,020
and I respected him and I adored him I

324
00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:00,850
don't think I feel so guilty

325
00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:02,410
going to bed with him I don't think I'd

326
00:18:02,410 --> 00:18:03,790
have to make up any excuses to the

327
00:18:03,790 --> 00:18:04,929
children because they could see my

328
00:18:04,929 --> 00:18:07,179
natural caring form but when they have

329
00:18:07,179 --> 00:18:09,370
the physical desire and I'll say over

330
00:18:09,370 --> 00:18:10,000
why not

331
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,550
and I want to anyway then I feel guilty

332
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,260
afterwards I hate pleasing the kids I

333
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,730
don't like looking at myself and I

334
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:18,160
really enjoy it and this is what I mean

335
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,170
if the circumstances would be different

336
00:18:20,170 --> 00:18:21,550
I don't think it's also guilty because I

337
00:18:21,550 --> 00:18:24,640
feel right about it yeah I guess I hear

338
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,770
you saying if if what I was doing when I

339
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:28,210
went to bed with a man was really

340
00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:30,580
genuine and full of love and respect and

341
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:33,040
so on I wouldn't feel guilty in relation

342
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,500
to Pam I wouldn't I really would be

343
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,600
comfortable about that so I said yes and

344
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,970
I know that sounds like I want a perfect

345
00:18:39,970 --> 00:18:42,700
situation but that is how I feel and in

346
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,410
the meantime I can't stop these desires

347
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:46,840
I've tried that also I've tried saying

348
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,490
okay I don't like myself when I do that

349
00:18:48,490 --> 00:18:51,100
so I would do it anymore but then I

350
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,540
resent the children I think why should

351
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:53,860
they stop me from doing what I want and

352
00:18:53,860 --> 00:18:59,600
it's really not that bad

353
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,270
that I guess I heard just saying - that

354
00:19:02,270 --> 00:19:06,470
wasn't only the

355
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:09,230
that I guess I heard you saying to them

356
00:19:09,230 --> 00:19:11,990
isn't only the children you don't like

357
00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:14,269
it as well honey it really isn't I'm

358
00:19:14,269 --> 00:19:16,370
sure that I know that's it probably even

359
00:19:16,370 --> 00:19:19,309
more so than I'm aware of that I all

360
00:19:19,309 --> 00:19:20,929
love it so much when I pick it up in the

361
00:19:20,929 --> 00:19:24,940
children then I can also moans in myself

362
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:30,379
somehow sometimes you kind of feel like

363
00:19:30,379 --> 00:19:32,500
blaming in for the feelings you have and

364
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:35,750
why should they cut you off from a

365
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:39,320
normal sex life well a sex life I could

366
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,850
say not rule because there is something

367
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:42,919
about me that says that smell they don't

368
00:19:42,919 --> 00:19:46,009
think to just go into sex because you

369
00:19:46,009 --> 00:19:47,840
feel physically attractive or something

370
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,570
or a physical need so something about it

371
00:19:50,570 --> 00:19:56,259
tells me that's not quite right anyway

372
00:19:56,259 --> 00:20:00,590
it's akhil really the times you're

373
00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:02,750
acting in ways that are not in occurred

374
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:05,679
with your own inner standards right

375
00:20:05,679 --> 00:20:09,649
great but then we're also saying a

376
00:20:09,649 --> 00:20:11,480
minute ago but to feel you can't help

377
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:11,779
that

378
00:20:11,779 --> 00:20:15,590
yeah I wish I could that's it and I

379
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,690
can't now I feel like I can't control

380
00:20:17,690 --> 00:20:19,250
myself as well as I could have before

381
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:21,440
for a specific reason now I can't I just

382
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,149
let go and I have there's too many

383
00:20:23,149 --> 00:20:24,470
things I do wrong that I have to feel

384
00:20:24,470 --> 00:20:29,640
guilty for and I sure don't like that

385
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,130
I want you very much to give me a direct

386
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:33,750
answer and I'm going to ask it and I

387
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:36,059
don't expect a direct answer but I want

388
00:20:36,059 --> 00:20:40,049
to know do you feel that to me the most

389
00:20:40,049 --> 00:20:41,760
important thing is to be open and honest

390
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,590
and if I can be able to notice with my

391
00:20:43,590 --> 00:20:45,270
joy do you feel that it could handle

392
00:20:45,270 --> 00:20:47,130
them if for example I could say to PME I

393
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,920
was I felt bad lying to the PME and I

394
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,480
want to tell you the truth now and if I

395
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,150
tell her the truth and she shocked at me

396
00:20:54,150 --> 00:20:55,980
which she's upset but that could bother

397
00:20:55,980 --> 00:21:00,179
her more I want to get rid of my job so

398
00:21:00,179 --> 00:21:01,260
that will help me but I don't want to

399
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,110
put him on her okay he thought I could

400
00:21:04,110 --> 00:21:09,270
hurt her I'm sorry I guess I'm sure this

401
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:11,070
will sound evasive to you but it seems

402
00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:13,410
to me that perhaps the person you're not

403
00:21:13,410 --> 00:21:19,860
being fully honest glib is you because I

404
00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:21,540
was very much struck by the fact that

405
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:25,200
you were saying if I feel all right

406
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,230
about what I have done but it's going to

407
00:21:28,230 --> 00:21:30,299
beg you the man or what if I really feel

408
00:21:30,299 --> 00:21:32,460
all right about it then I don't have any

409
00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:34,620
concern about what I would tell him or

410
00:21:34,620 --> 00:21:38,100
all my relationships with me right all

411
00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:47,230
right then I hear what you're saying

412
00:21:47,230 --> 00:21:49,510
then all right then I want to work on I

413
00:21:49,510 --> 00:21:51,909
want to work on accepting me them I want

414
00:21:51,909 --> 00:21:54,389
to work on feeling all right about it

415
00:21:54,389 --> 00:21:56,679
now that makes sense that that will come

416
00:21:56,679 --> 00:21:57,880
natural and then I will have to worry

417
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,690
about him but when things don't seem so

418
00:22:01,690 --> 00:22:03,100
wrong for me and I have an impostor

419
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:09,820
driven how can I accept that what you'd

420
00:22:09,820 --> 00:22:12,460
like to do is to feel more accepting

421
00:22:12,460 --> 00:22:15,010
toward yourself when you do things that

422
00:22:15,010 --> 00:22:17,679
you feel are wrong right

423
00:22:17,679 --> 00:22:22,480
I feel like like I'm saying yeah I feel

424
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,590
like you're going to say no why do you

425
00:22:23,590 --> 00:22:26,620
think they're wrong and I have mixed

426
00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:28,899
feelings there too to therapy I'll say

427
00:22:28,899 --> 00:22:30,669
no look I know this is natural women

428
00:22:30,669 --> 00:22:32,110
feel it sure we don't talk about a lot

429
00:22:32,110 --> 00:22:34,419
socially so all women fill it in it's

430
00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:36,190
very natural I've had sex for the last

431
00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:38,230
11 years and of course going to want it

432
00:22:38,230 --> 00:22:40,389
but I still think it's wrong unless

433
00:22:40,389 --> 00:22:42,070
you're really truly in love with a man

434
00:22:42,070 --> 00:22:46,149
and my body doesn't seem to agree that's

435
00:22:46,149 --> 00:22:49,149
why I don't know how to accept it sounds

436
00:22:49,149 --> 00:22:52,210
like a triangle to me doesn't it you

437
00:22:52,210 --> 00:22:55,389
feel that I or therapists in general or

438
00:22:55,389 --> 00:22:57,399
other people say it's alright it's

439
00:22:57,399 --> 00:23:01,750
alright natural huh go ahead and I guess

440
00:23:01,750 --> 00:23:03,789
you feel your body sort of lines up on

441
00:23:03,789 --> 00:23:05,950
that side of the picture but something

442
00:23:05,950 --> 00:23:09,519
in you says but I don't like it that way

443
00:23:09,519 --> 00:23:13,290
not much it's really right

444
00:23:13,290 --> 00:23:28,830
right

445
00:23:28,830 --> 00:23:34,590
I have a hopeful sign those are all the

446
00:23:34,590 --> 00:23:36,330
things I sorted for myself and I feel

447
00:23:36,330 --> 00:23:41,850
the okay now what if you this is the

448
00:23:41,850 --> 00:23:44,460
conflict and it's just being soluble and

449
00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:47,130
therefore its focus and here you look to

450
00:23:47,130 --> 00:23:48,660
me and I don't seem to give you any help

451
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:52,860
than what I am I really really can't

452
00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:54,240
answer for me I have to figure it out

453
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,070
myself but I want you to guide me or

454
00:23:56,070 --> 00:23:59,550
show me where to start or so it won't

455
00:23:59,550 --> 00:24:02,640
look so hopeless I know I can keep

456
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:03,930
living with this conflict and I know

457
00:24:03,930 --> 00:24:05,550
eventually things would work out but I

458
00:24:05,550 --> 00:24:07,230
like feeling more comfortable with the

459
00:24:07,230 --> 00:24:13,970
way I live

460
00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:16,800
anything I meant is what is it you wish

461
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:21,000
I would say to you I wish you would say

462
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,030
to me

463
00:24:23,030 --> 00:24:27,590
to be honest and take the risk that Pam

464
00:24:27,590 --> 00:24:31,130
is going to accept me and I also have a

465
00:24:31,130 --> 00:24:32,570
feeling if I could really risk it with

466
00:24:32,570 --> 00:24:35,510
Pammy of all people that I'd be able to

467
00:24:35,510 --> 00:24:36,950
see here's this little kid that can

468
00:24:36,950 --> 00:24:38,930
accept me and under they know about that

469
00:24:38,930 --> 00:24:40,640
if she really knows what a demon I am

470
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,530
and still loves me and accepts me it

471
00:24:42,530 --> 00:24:43,910
seems like it would help me to accept me

472
00:24:43,910 --> 00:24:45,460
more like it's really not that bad I

473
00:24:45,460 --> 00:24:47,690
want you to say to go ahead and be

474
00:24:47,690 --> 00:24:51,260
honest but I don't want any sponsor

475
00:24:51,260 --> 00:24:54,230
berry but it would upset her that's

476
00:24:54,230 --> 00:24:56,590
right I might be something you know yeah

477
00:24:56,590 --> 00:24:59,600
you know very well what you'd like to do

478
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,910
in relationship you would like to be

479
00:25:01,910 --> 00:25:04,220
yourself and you'd like to have her know

480
00:25:04,220 --> 00:25:06,170
that you're not perfect and do things

481
00:25:06,170 --> 00:25:08,300
that maybe even she wouldn't approval to

482
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:10,120
disapprove of to some degree yourself

483
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:14,600
but that somehow she would love you and

484
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:19,110
accept you as an imperfect person

485
00:25:19,110 --> 00:25:21,179
like I wonder if my mother had been more

486
00:25:21,179 --> 00:25:22,679
open with world maybe I would have had

487
00:25:22,679 --> 00:25:25,230
such a narrow attitude about sex if I

488
00:25:25,230 --> 00:25:26,549
would have thought that she could be you

489
00:25:26,549 --> 00:25:29,070
know pretty sexy and corny and devilish

490
00:25:29,070 --> 00:25:30,779
too but I would look at her as being

491
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:32,639
such a sweet mother than she could also

492
00:25:32,639 --> 00:25:34,169
be the other side but she didn't talk

493
00:25:34,169 --> 00:25:36,269
about that maybe that's where I got my

494
00:25:36,269 --> 00:25:37,860
picture I don't know but I want Tami to

495
00:25:37,860 --> 00:25:40,679
see me as a full woman but also accept

496
00:25:40,679 --> 00:25:45,679
me you know it's not so I'm certain I

497
00:25:45,679 --> 00:25:50,850
don't do you mean what I mean is you've

498
00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:52,470
been sitting there telling me just what

499
00:25:52,470 --> 00:25:53,909
you would like to do in that

500
00:25:53,909 --> 00:25:59,220
relationship with him I would but I

501
00:25:59,220 --> 00:26:00,960
don't quite take the risk of doing it

502
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,739
Leslie already tells me that yes I guess

503
00:26:04,739 --> 00:26:07,889
one thing that I feel very keenly is

504
00:26:07,889 --> 00:26:20,560
it's an awfully risky thing to live

505
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,660
maybe taking a chance on your

506
00:26:22,660 --> 00:26:26,230
relationship with her taking a chance on

507
00:26:26,230 --> 00:26:36,220
letting her know who you were really

508
00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:38,890
even if I don't take a chance if I still

509
00:26:38,890 --> 00:26:40,270
have an accepted buyer I'm never going

510
00:26:40,270 --> 00:26:45,160
to sell it about it anyway if your love

511
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,610
and acceptance of you is based on a

512
00:26:48,610 --> 00:26:51,850
false picture of you what the hell is

513
00:26:51,850 --> 00:26:57,490
the good of that but I also feeling a

514
00:26:57,490 --> 00:27:00,490
lot of responsibility with being a

515
00:27:00,490 --> 00:27:00,820
mother

516
00:27:00,820 --> 00:27:03,100
what Idol I don't want to feel like I've

517
00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:04,780
caused any big traumas and the children

518
00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:06,130
they don't like all that responsibility

519
00:27:06,130 --> 00:27:08,380
that's what I don't like feeling it

520
00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:12,040
could be my fault because that's what I

521
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:17,860
meant when I said life is risky to take

522
00:27:17,860 --> 00:27:20,260
the responsibility for being a person

523
00:27:20,260 --> 00:27:22,870
you would like to be with her is a

524
00:27:22,870 --> 00:27:26,590
however responsibility it is a very

525
00:27:26,590 --> 00:27:30,010
frightening the only way I look at it

526
00:27:30,010 --> 00:27:32,200
two ways I like to see myself as being

527
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,480
so honest with the kids and really being

528
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:35,830
proud of myself though that no matter

529
00:27:35,830 --> 00:27:37,810
what I told them or no matter how bad

530
00:27:37,810 --> 00:27:39,460
they may think I was I was honest and

531
00:27:39,460 --> 00:27:41,560
down deep it's going to be a much more

532
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,720
wholesome relationship and yet you know

533
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,790
I get jealous like when they're with

534
00:27:45,790 --> 00:27:48,430
their daddy I feel he's more flip he's

535
00:27:48,430 --> 00:27:49,960
not quite as real he's not quite as

536
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,910
honest but nevertheless they see a sweet

537
00:27:51,910 --> 00:27:52,930
picture of their dad

538
00:27:52,930 --> 00:27:54,610
you know mozell Phyllis tonight and I'm

539
00:27:54,610 --> 00:27:56,710
envious of that too I want them to see

540
00:27:56,710 --> 00:27:58,730
was just too sweet if they see him

541
00:27:58,730 --> 00:28:00,520
I know he's not quite as well with them

542
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:02,660
so it seems like I've got to swap the

543
00:28:02,660 --> 00:28:05,090
one for the other and I know this is

544
00:28:05,090 --> 00:28:07,490
really what I want the most but I miss

545
00:28:07,490 --> 00:28:12,140
some of that glory so feel I want them

546
00:28:12,140 --> 00:28:14,300
to have just as nice a picture of me as

547
00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:16,310
the head of their dad that is a little

548
00:28:16,310 --> 00:28:17,390
funny

549
00:28:17,390 --> 00:28:19,760
then maybe nine I'll have to be - I

550
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:21,140
think that's putting a little too strong

551
00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:27,290
that's close I just bring me I know she

552
00:28:27,290 --> 00:28:29,030
can have that literature of me if I were

553
00:28:29,030 --> 00:28:32,180
honest decide that I do go I'm Luna

554
00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,550
honored and dad anyway so I'm like you

555
00:28:34,550 --> 00:28:38,830
do more things that they disapprove of

556
00:28:38,830 --> 00:28:41,420
sounds are you really find it quite hard

557
00:28:41,420 --> 00:28:44,810
to believe what they would really love

558
00:28:44,810 --> 00:28:47,960
you if they knew that's right you know

559
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:52,090
that's exactly it before therapy

560
00:28:52,090 --> 00:28:54,250
who she cares about need a picture of me

561
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:57,400
if I were honest the fact that I do go

562
00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,350
on loan will honor their dad anyway

563
00:28:59,350 --> 00:29:01,330
unlikely bill more things that said

564
00:29:01,330 --> 00:29:06,760
disapproval so you really find it quite

565
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:10,060
hard to believe but they would really

566
00:29:10,060 --> 00:29:13,030
love you if they knew you that's right

567
00:29:13,030 --> 00:29:14,410
you know that's exactly it

568
00:29:14,410 --> 00:29:16,810
before therapy I would have definitely

569
00:29:16,810 --> 00:29:19,000
chosen the other area I'm going to get

570
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,100
respect remain no matter what even if I

571
00:29:21,100 --> 00:29:21,760
have to lie

572
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,070
alright now I know that's not true and

573
00:29:24,070 --> 00:29:25,690
I'm not positive

574
00:29:25,690 --> 00:29:27,880
they'll truly accept me something tells

575
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,200
me they will I know diva but I'm not

576
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:29,680
positive

577
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,740
I'll agree sure I keep wanting this in

578
00:29:32,740 --> 00:29:35,830
kind of a no-man's land of probably

579
00:29:35,830 --> 00:29:37,930
shifting from one point of view to them

580
00:29:37,930 --> 00:29:39,850
to another that boy I'd sure like

581
00:29:39,850 --> 00:29:41,710
somebody to say that's right you go

582
00:29:41,710 --> 00:29:43,330
ahead and do it yes that's why I get

583
00:29:43,330 --> 00:29:44,650
encouraged when I read in a book from

584
00:29:44,650 --> 00:29:46,690
somebody I respect and admire but this

585
00:29:46,690 --> 00:29:47,800
is the right thing no matter what

586
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:49,450
honesty will win out well then that

587
00:29:49,450 --> 00:29:50,920
keeps giving with compliments by gosh

588
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:55,690
and right it it's a damn hard day really

589
00:29:55,690 --> 00:29:58,150
choose something on their own isn't it

590
00:29:58,150 --> 00:30:00,340
which makes me feel very immature I

591
00:30:00,340 --> 00:30:01,840
don't like this I mean I wish I were

592
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,460
great live enough for mature enough to

593
00:30:03,460 --> 00:30:05,740
make my decisions we stick by them but I

594
00:30:05,740 --> 00:30:07,660
need somebody to help me on somebody to

595
00:30:07,660 --> 00:30:12,180
push me

596
00:30:12,180 --> 00:30:15,220
so she can approach yourself for that I

597
00:30:15,220 --> 00:30:18,400
guess until why if I was anybody if I

598
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,350
was grown up I'd be mature enough to

599
00:30:20,350 --> 00:30:24,390
decide things like this price them right

600
00:30:24,390 --> 00:30:27,430
and take more risk I wish that take more

601
00:30:27,430 --> 00:30:30,370
risks I wish that I could just go ahead

602
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:31,750
and be this with any however the

603
00:30:31,750 --> 00:30:33,400
children go up I've done with this I

604
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:34,510
didn't have to constantly have this

605
00:30:34,510 --> 00:30:36,820
conflict and I glide Satan used to say

606
00:30:36,820 --> 00:30:38,410
no matter what you ask me kids at least

607
00:30:38,410 --> 00:30:39,610
I told you the truth you may not have

608
00:30:39,610 --> 00:30:41,350
liked it but it's been the truth that's

609
00:30:41,350 --> 00:30:44,860
all now I can admire I just respect

610
00:30:44,860 --> 00:30:46,660
people that lie I hate it so you see

611
00:30:46,660 --> 00:30:48,190
what a good learner I am is I hate

612
00:30:48,190 --> 00:30:50,020
myself if I'm bad but I also hate myself

613
00:30:50,020 --> 00:30:50,970
if I lie

614
00:30:50,970 --> 00:30:54,310
so it's accepting you want to become

615
00:30:54,310 --> 00:31:00,640
more accepting I guess judging here tone

616
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:02,260
of voice you sound as when you hate

617
00:31:02,260 --> 00:31:04,930
yourself more when you live and do in

618
00:31:04,930 --> 00:31:07,600
terms of things you disappear really I

619
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,700
do because this was really bothered me

620
00:31:09,700 --> 00:31:11,020
this happen with family about a month

621
00:31:11,020 --> 00:31:12,790
ago and it keeps coming to learn I don't

622
00:31:12,790 --> 00:31:14,200
know whether to go back and talk to her

623
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:14,680
about it

624
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:16,840
oh wait she may have even forgotten what

625
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:19,960
she asked me that though everyone does

626
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:24,160
you haven't forgotten I have no I like

627
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:25,450
at least be able to tell her this I

628
00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:27,430
remember lying and I'm sorry lied and

629
00:31:27,430 --> 00:31:33,790
it's been driving me bugs because I did

630
00:31:33,790 --> 00:31:36,010
I don't know I feel like now that's

631
00:31:36,010 --> 00:31:37,750
solved and I don't even solve a thing

632
00:31:37,750 --> 00:31:44,410
but I feel relieved I am I just feel

633
00:31:44,410 --> 00:31:46,570
like you've been saying to me you're not

634
00:31:46,570 --> 00:31:48,250
giving me advice but I feel like you're

635
00:31:48,250 --> 00:31:50,980
saying you really want to know what

636
00:31:50,980 --> 00:31:52,630
pattern you want to follow Gloria and go

637
00:31:52,630 --> 00:31:54,280
ahead and follow it that's what I feel

638
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:58,120
stacking up for you I guess the way I

639
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:02,440
sense it is you've been telling me that

640
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,230
you know what you want to do and yes I

641
00:32:05,230 --> 00:32:07,270
do believe in backing up people and what

642
00:32:07,270 --> 00:32:12,820
they want to do just a little different

643
00:32:12,820 --> 00:32:17,690
slant from the way it seems to you

644
00:32:17,690 --> 00:32:19,850
are you tell me one thing that concerns

645
00:32:19,850 --> 00:32:24,110
me it's no damn good you're doing

646
00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:28,130
something that you haven't really chosen

647
00:32:28,130 --> 00:32:30,850
to do that's why I'm trying to help you

648
00:32:30,850 --> 00:32:33,650
find out what's your own inner choices

649
00:32:33,650 --> 00:32:39,050
in and there's also a conflict there

650
00:32:39,050 --> 00:32:41,000
because I'm not really positive what I

651
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,100
want to do the lying part yes but I'm

652
00:32:43,100 --> 00:32:44,750
not positive what I want to do when I go

653
00:32:44,750 --> 00:32:46,910
against myself like when I bring in the

654
00:32:46,910 --> 00:32:48,560
end of the house I'm not sure I want to

655
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,210
do that if I feel guilty afterwards

656
00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:54,670
unless not really wanted to just to say

657
00:32:54,670 --> 00:32:56,690
just sure which words you use but you

658
00:32:56,690 --> 00:32:58,160
don't want it you don't like yourself or

659
00:32:58,160 --> 00:32:59,690
you don't agree with it when you do

660
00:32:59,690 --> 00:33:06,430
something against yourself

661
00:33:06,430 --> 00:33:08,650
you know this is so different now this

662
00:33:08,650 --> 00:33:09,640
kind of thing that we're talking about

663
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:10,210
now

664
00:33:10,210 --> 00:33:11,410
it isn't just knowing whether you want

665
00:33:11,410 --> 00:33:12,760
to do something or not if I want to go

666
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:13,870
to work in the morning or I don't want

667
00:33:13,870 --> 00:33:15,820
to go to look that's easy but when I

668
00:33:15,820 --> 00:33:17,650
find myself doing something I don't feel

669
00:33:17,650 --> 00:33:19,780
comfortable with I automatically say if

670
00:33:19,780 --> 00:33:21,280
you're not comfortable glory it's not

671
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:22,510
right something's wrong

672
00:33:22,510 --> 00:33:24,310
all right now what I want to ask you is

673
00:33:24,310 --> 00:33:26,080
how can I know which is the strongest

674
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,670
because I do it does that mean that the

675
00:33:27,670 --> 00:33:30,790
strongest and yet if I disapprove that's

676
00:33:30,790 --> 00:33:31,900
just part of the thing that's got to go

677
00:33:31,900 --> 00:33:34,690
on with it see it sounds like you I'm

678
00:33:34,690 --> 00:33:36,280
picking up a contradiction I'm letting

679
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,400
you know falling

680
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,380
some of you feeling a contradiction in

681
00:33:41,380 --> 00:33:44,860
yourself team oh you what I heard you

682
00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:48,640
saying in part is the way you like it

683
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,200
is when you feel really comfortable

684
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,350
about what you're doing yes and I have

685
00:33:53,350 --> 00:33:55,590
at times when I've made a decision

686
00:33:55,590 --> 00:33:57,670
now that seems right that feels

687
00:33:57,670 --> 00:33:59,320
perfectly right no conflict but then

688
00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:01,660
there are times I do things that I feel

689
00:34:01,660 --> 00:34:03,250
uncomfortable with so that there is the

690
00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:06,930
conflict there it's not the same at all

691
00:34:06,930 --> 00:34:09,280
so what I'm saying is how I really know

692
00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:10,810
when I'm falling my true feelings if I

693
00:34:10,810 --> 00:34:12,340
have conflicts afterwards or guilt

694
00:34:12,340 --> 00:34:15,610
afterwards I see because in the moment

695
00:34:15,610 --> 00:34:16,960
that may seem like your true feelings

696
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:21,480
yes like if I'm starting to do it okay

697
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:26,580
so it really is tough

698
00:34:26,580 --> 00:34:29,590
and if you feel comfortable in a moment

699
00:34:29,590 --> 00:34:31,418
about it but then after it don't feel at

700
00:34:31,418 --> 00:34:34,389
all comfortable which course of action

701
00:34:34,389 --> 00:34:35,469
is really the one you should have

702
00:34:35,469 --> 00:34:37,389
followed the most outstanding thing I

703
00:34:37,389 --> 00:34:38,679
don't know if you follow me when I say

704
00:34:38,679 --> 00:34:40,510
about this conflict the one thing I know

705
00:34:40,510 --> 00:34:42,460
is I boil it for example to leave my

706
00:34:42,460 --> 00:34:44,440
husband for quite a few years I never

707
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:46,000
did it I kept thinking how nice it would

708
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:47,530
be or how scary it would be but I never

709
00:34:47,530 --> 00:34:49,600
did it and all of a sudden when I did it

710
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,429
felt right I didn't feel mean toward him

711
00:34:51,429 --> 00:34:52,869
I just knew this is what I had to do

712
00:34:52,869 --> 00:34:55,000
that's what I know and following myself

713
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,250
I'm fine my feelings completely had no

714
00:34:57,250 --> 00:34:59,200
conflict there some of the happy things

715
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,000
came from it but I still had no conflict

716
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:02,860
that to me is will in following my

717
00:35:02,860 --> 00:35:05,500
feelings and in everyday life the small

718
00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:06,970
little decisions the small little things

719
00:35:06,970 --> 00:35:08,550
to do don't come out that clear at all

720
00:35:08,550 --> 00:35:11,860
so many conflicts coming if it's natural

721
00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:14,770
although you're saying I expect it is

722
00:35:14,770 --> 00:35:17,410
but but you're saying TV you know

723
00:35:17,410 --> 00:35:19,060
perfectly well of feeling within

724
00:35:19,060 --> 00:35:21,970
yourself that occurs when you're really

725
00:35:21,970 --> 00:35:24,880
doing something it's right for you I do

726
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:28,660
I do and I miss that feeling other times

727
00:35:28,660 --> 00:35:31,690
it's better way a clue to me you can

728
00:35:31,690 --> 00:35:33,010
really listen to yourself sometimes

729
00:35:33,010 --> 00:35:35,740
realize no no this isn't the vague

730
00:35:35,740 --> 00:35:38,170
feeling this isn't this isn't the way I

731
00:35:38,170 --> 00:35:40,270
would feel if I was doing that I

732
00:35:40,270 --> 00:35:42,370
we wanted to do but yet many times I'll

733
00:35:42,370 --> 00:35:43,570
go along and do it anyway

734
00:35:43,570 --> 00:35:45,640
and say oh well I'm in the situation

735
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:51,100
I'll just remember next time I mentioned

736
00:35:51,100 --> 00:35:52,810
this one a lot in therapy and most

737
00:35:52,810 --> 00:35:54,070
therapists granite knee or gig or

738
00:35:54,070 --> 00:35:55,900
something when I say utopia but when I

739
00:35:55,900 --> 00:35:57,790
do fall or feeling and I feel this good

740
00:35:57,790 --> 00:35:59,590
feeling inside me that's sort of utopia

741
00:35:59,590 --> 00:36:01,090
that's what I mean that's the way I like

742
00:36:01,090 --> 00:36:02,650
to feel whether it's a bad thing or a

743
00:36:02,650 --> 00:36:05,520
good thing but I feel right about me

744
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,830
that's what you'll knows utopian moments

745
00:36:08,830 --> 00:36:10,600
you really feel kind of whole you feel

746
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:13,750
all in one piece yeah yeah it gives me a

747
00:36:13,750 --> 00:36:15,010
choked up feeling when you say that

748
00:36:15,010 --> 00:36:16,780
because I don't get that as often as I'd

749
00:36:16,780 --> 00:36:19,870
like I like that whole feeling that's

750
00:36:19,870 --> 00:36:22,240
real precious to me xscape none of us

751
00:36:22,240 --> 00:36:24,070
get it as often as we like but I really

752
00:36:24,070 --> 00:36:30,780
do understand

753
00:36:30,780 --> 00:36:33,359
don't touch you didn't and you know

754
00:36:33,359 --> 00:36:35,430
we're also are just thinking I thought

755
00:36:35,430 --> 00:36:40,750
he's done saying it

756
00:36:40,750 --> 00:36:42,760
all of a sudden isn't on here is Betsy

757
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,410
on right I can talk to you and I want

758
00:36:44,410 --> 00:36:46,510
you to approve of me and I respect you

759
00:36:46,510 --> 00:36:49,119
but I miss what my father can talk to me

760
00:36:49,119 --> 00:36:51,099
like you are way I'd like to say to you

761
00:36:51,099 --> 00:36:56,500
like you for my father I only know one

762
00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:58,270
that came to me you look to me like a

763
00:36:58,270 --> 00:37:09,050
pretty nice gutter

764
00:37:09,050 --> 00:37:11,960
but you really do miss the fact that you

765
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,980
couldn't be open with your own game

766
00:37:14,980 --> 00:37:17,450
you know I couldn't be open below I

767
00:37:17,450 --> 00:37:19,190
won't blame it on him I think I'm more

768
00:37:19,190 --> 00:37:21,860
open than hit alarm II mean II would

769
00:37:21,860 --> 00:37:22,220
never

770
00:37:22,220 --> 00:37:27,980
this will be talk like you are and not

771
00:37:27,980 --> 00:37:30,440
disapprove but not blowing me down it

772
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:31,880
yeah I thought of this year the day why

773
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,650
do I always have to be so perfect I'm

774
00:37:33,650 --> 00:37:35,750
why he always wanted me to be perfect I

775
00:37:35,750 --> 00:37:39,560
always had to be better and yeah is that

776
00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:42,470
it was trying like hell to be the girl

777
00:37:42,470 --> 00:37:44,690
he wants you to be you have to same time

778
00:37:44,690 --> 00:37:45,770
my darling thank you

779
00:37:45,770 --> 00:37:47,150
like I almost started writing in the

780
00:37:47,150 --> 00:37:48,770
letter the other day and telling him I'm

781
00:37:48,770 --> 00:37:50,180
a waitress which I expected to

782
00:37:50,180 --> 00:37:51,830
disapprove of like while at nights and I

783
00:37:51,830 --> 00:37:54,020
I always quoted hanging back like no how

784
00:37:54,020 --> 00:37:56,570
do you like me and yet I really want

785
00:37:56,570 --> 00:37:59,510
acceptance and love from him I mean I

786
00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:01,790
really never use slapping and say this

787
00:38:01,790 --> 00:38:03,110
is what I am seeing

788
00:38:03,110 --> 00:38:05,450
yeah but it amazed me how do you like it

789
00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:07,010
but you know what I think I want him to

790
00:38:07,010 --> 00:38:08,930
say and this was you all along for me

791
00:38:08,930 --> 00:38:12,830
and I really love you I guess you really

792
00:38:12,830 --> 00:38:17,270
feel badly you think there's very little

793
00:38:17,270 --> 00:38:21,650
chance you'll say that well maybe it

794
00:38:21,650 --> 00:38:24,860
isn't here I went back home in about two

795
00:38:24,860 --> 00:38:26,840
years ago really really to let him know

796
00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,180
I loved him although I bit later him but

797
00:38:29,180 --> 00:38:31,040
he doesn't hear me he just keeps saying

798
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:32,810
things like honey you know I love you

799
00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:34,850
you know I've always loved doing shit up

800
00:38:34,850 --> 00:38:39,320
in here

801
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:43,740
never really known you and loved you and

802
00:38:43,740 --> 00:38:46,740
this somehow is what brings the tears in

803
00:38:46,740 --> 00:38:50,190
time I don't know what it is you know

804
00:38:50,190 --> 00:38:53,240
what it

805
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:57,440
never really known you and loved you and

806
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,079
this somehow is what brings the tears

807
00:39:00,079 --> 00:39:03,410
inside I don't know what it is

808
00:39:03,410 --> 00:39:04,849
you know want to talk about it it feels

809
00:39:04,849 --> 00:39:07,010
more flip if I just sit still it it

810
00:39:07,010 --> 00:39:08,599
feels like a great big hurt down there

811
00:39:08,599 --> 00:39:09,790
did I

812
00:39:09,790 --> 00:39:18,440
mm-hmm much much easier to be a little

813
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:22,130
flip because then you don't feel that

814
00:39:22,130 --> 00:39:27,290
big lump inside over and again that's a

815
00:39:27,290 --> 00:39:28,369
hopeless situation

816
00:39:28,369 --> 00:39:31,819
I tried working on it and I feel

817
00:39:31,819 --> 00:39:33,770
thinking I have to accept my father just

818
00:39:33,770 --> 00:39:35,480
isn't the type of reality like I'd like

819
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,030
somebody more understanding and caring

820
00:39:37,030 --> 00:39:40,160
he cares but not in the way that we

821
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:45,980
cooperate and communicate you'll note

822
00:39:45,980 --> 00:39:51,079
that I am permanently cheated hmm that's

823
00:39:51,079 --> 00:39:53,390
why I like substitutes like I like

824
00:39:53,390 --> 00:39:55,460
talking to you and I like limit I can

825
00:39:55,460 --> 00:39:59,720
respect doctors on my I keep sort of

826
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:01,549
maybe underneath feeling like we're real

827
00:40:01,549 --> 00:40:02,630
close you know and it's sort of like a

828
00:40:02,630 --> 00:40:06,430
substitute father

829
00:40:06,430 --> 00:40:10,120
I don't feel this became

830
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,790
well they're not really my father no I

831
00:40:12,790 --> 00:40:15,510
meant about the real close business

832
00:40:15,510 --> 00:40:18,130
we'll see I think about pretending to

833
00:40:18,130 --> 00:40:20,140
because I can't expect you to feel very

834
00:40:20,140 --> 00:40:22,380
close to me you don't know me that well

835
00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:26,290
all I can do is what I am feeling that

836
00:40:26,290 --> 00:40:40,380
is I feel close to you in this moment

837
00:40:40,380 --> 00:40:43,100
in spite of feeling initially

838
00:40:43,100 --> 00:40:44,850
artificiality of the situation

839
00:40:44,850 --> 00:40:47,760
particularly the hot light I very

840
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:51,780
quickly became oblivious to the outside

841
00:40:51,780 --> 00:40:55,910
situation and I think the Gloria did too

842
00:40:55,910 --> 00:40:59,450
in many ways I'm glad that she kept

843
00:40:59,450 --> 00:41:02,810
pushing me for an answer to her Rea

844
00:41:02,810 --> 00:41:06,750
personal questions about her sex life

845
00:41:06,750 --> 00:41:09,440
and her relationship to her daughter I

846
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:13,410
say I'm glad of this because as the

847
00:41:13,410 --> 00:41:16,109
relationship developed it became I think

848
00:41:16,109 --> 00:41:19,010
completely clear to her as well as to me

849
00:41:19,010 --> 00:41:21,540
that she was seeking something a good

850
00:41:21,540 --> 00:41:24,359
deal deeper than that incidentally I'd

851
00:41:24,359 --> 00:41:28,740
like to pay my tribute to her deep

852
00:41:28,740 --> 00:41:31,320
honesty and being willing to talk about

853
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:35,700
herself so freely although every

854
00:41:35,700 --> 00:41:39,119
individual is entirely unique and in

855
00:41:39,119 --> 00:41:41,850
this respect I was definitely unprepared

856
00:41:41,850 --> 00:41:43,350
for and sometimes surprised by the

857
00:41:43,350 --> 00:41:45,900
material she brought up still in another

858
00:41:45,900 --> 00:41:48,540
sense this was very typical of my

859
00:41:48,540 --> 00:41:52,080
experiences in therapy when I'm able

860
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,780
really to let myself enter into a

861
00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:57,930
relationship and I feel that this was

862
00:41:57,930 --> 00:42:01,350
true in this instance then I find myself

863
00:42:01,350 --> 00:42:04,619
not only being increasingly moved by

864
00:42:04,619 --> 00:42:06,900
being in touch with the inner world of

865
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:09,660
my client but I find myself bringing out

866
00:42:09,660 --> 00:42:12,960
of my own inner experience statements

867
00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:15,450
which seem to have no connection with

868
00:42:15,450 --> 00:42:18,150
what's going on but which usually proved

869
00:42:18,150 --> 00:42:20,940
to be approved to have a very

870
00:42:20,940 --> 00:42:23,190
significant relationship to what the

871
00:42:23,190 --> 00:42:25,890
client is experiencing I felt there were

872
00:42:25,890 --> 00:42:28,710
one or two incidents of this kind

873
00:42:28,710 --> 00:42:33,960
in this brief interview I was genuinely

874
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,510
moved I probably showed it by the fact

875
00:42:36,510 --> 00:42:38,369
that she told me near the end of the

876
00:42:38,369 --> 00:42:42,750
contact she saw me as the father she

877
00:42:42,750 --> 00:42:46,200
would like to have my reply was also a

878
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:49,049
thoroughly spontaneous one that she

879
00:42:49,049 --> 00:42:50,490
seemed to me like a pretty nice daughter

880
00:42:50,490 --> 00:42:56,309
I guess I feel that we were only playing

881
00:42:56,309 --> 00:42:58,619
the real world of relationships when I

882
00:42:58,619 --> 00:43:01,289
talk about such an experience in terms

883
00:43:01,289 --> 00:43:04,799
of transference and countertransference

884
00:43:04,799 --> 00:43:08,369
I feel quite deeply about that I want to

885
00:43:08,369 --> 00:43:11,670
say yes we can put this experience and

886
00:43:11,670 --> 00:43:14,309
do some such highly intellectualized

887
00:43:14,309 --> 00:43:16,650
framework that when we do that it

888
00:43:16,650 --> 00:43:21,059
completely misses the point of the very

889
00:43:21,059 --> 00:43:23,700
immediate eval quality of the

890
00:43:23,700 --> 00:43:28,339
relationship at such moments I felt that

891
00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:31,559
Gloria and I really encountered each

892
00:43:31,559 --> 00:43:35,670
other and that in some small but I

893
00:43:35,670 --> 00:43:38,430
believe lasting way we were each of us

894
00:43:38,430 --> 00:43:42,690
enriched by the experience I'm saying

895
00:43:42,690 --> 00:43:45,329
these things almost immediately after

896
00:43:45,329 --> 00:43:47,670
the conclusion of the interview and as

897
00:43:47,670 --> 00:43:50,039
is characteristic of me there are not

898
00:43:50,039 --> 00:43:51,809
more than one or two statements or

899
00:43:51,809 --> 00:43:54,270
incidents which I recall from the

900
00:43:54,270 --> 00:43:56,579
interview I simply know that I was very

901
00:43:56,579 --> 00:44:01,460
much present in the relationship that I

902
00:44:01,460 --> 00:44:04,049
lived it in the moment of its occurrence

903
00:44:04,049 --> 00:44:07,140
and I realized that after a time I may

904
00:44:07,140 --> 00:44:09,420
begin to remember it too but at the

905
00:44:09,420 --> 00:44:12,750
present time I really have a very

906
00:44:12,750 --> 00:44:15,230
nonspecific memory of the whole

907
00:44:15,230 --> 00:44:19,920
interview I'll try to look at it though

908
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:22,680
a little bit more from a intellectual

909
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:24,599
rather than a strictly feeling point of

910
00:44:24,599 --> 00:44:28,170
view Gloria showed that I've come to

911
00:44:28,170 --> 00:44:31,200
feel our characteristic elements of

912
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:33,930
therapeutic movement in the first part

913
00:44:33,930 --> 00:44:35,910
of the interview she was talking about

914
00:44:35,910 --> 00:44:36,950
her feeling

915
00:44:36,950 --> 00:44:39,410
and they were past feelings she was

916
00:44:39,410 --> 00:44:41,000
talking about aspects of her behavior

917
00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:44,330
and of herself as if she didn't quite

918
00:44:44,330 --> 00:44:45,550
own them

919
00:44:45,550 --> 00:44:49,510
she was looking outside herself for a

920
00:44:49,510 --> 00:44:52,340
center or locus of evaluation some

921
00:44:52,340 --> 00:44:57,530
source of authority she saw some of the

922
00:44:57,530 --> 00:44:59,030
things she was talking about in fairly

923
00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:03,590
black-and-white - fashion by the end of

924
00:45:03,590 --> 00:45:06,500
the interview she was experiencing her

925
00:45:06,500 --> 00:45:09,080
feelings in the immediate moment not

926
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:12,590
only as evidenced by her tears but by

927
00:45:12,590 --> 00:45:16,700
her ability to express very directly and

928
00:45:16,700 --> 00:45:20,560
with immediacy her feelings toward me

929
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,830
she was also much more aware of her

930
00:45:23,830 --> 00:45:26,930
ability to make her own judgments and

931
00:45:26,930 --> 00:45:31,850
choices I guess put in terms that have

932
00:45:31,850 --> 00:45:34,460
become somewhat commonplace you could

933
00:45:34,460 --> 00:45:37,310
say that she moved from the there and

934
00:45:37,310 --> 00:45:42,710
then of her life to the here and now of

935
00:45:42,710 --> 00:45:44,570
elements that she was discovering in

936
00:45:44,570 --> 00:45:47,600
herself and feelings that she was

937
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,940
experiencing in the moment in her

938
00:45:49,940 --> 00:45:56,060
relationship with me all in all I feel

939
00:45:56,060 --> 00:45:59,360
good about the interview I guess I feel

940
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:01,850
good about myself in the interview and

941
00:46:01,850 --> 00:46:05,270
like Gloria I feel very real regret that

942
00:46:05,270 --> 00:46:18,710
the relationship cannot continue

943
00:46:18,710 --> 00:46:26,040
you

944
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:32,790
I am to interview a patient and I'd like

945
00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:34,800
to give you some thumbnail sketch of

946
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:39,690
what Gestalt therapy stands for Agatha

947
00:46:39,690 --> 00:46:44,480
is working on an equation awareness

948
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:49,710
equal Pleasant time equal reality in

949
00:46:49,710 --> 00:46:52,020
contrast to depth psychology we try to

950
00:46:52,020 --> 00:46:56,160
get hold of the obvious of the surface

951
00:46:56,160 --> 00:46:58,470
of the situation in which we find

952
00:46:58,470 --> 00:47:01,560
ourselves and to develop the emerging to

953
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:06,480
start strictly on the eye and thou it

954
00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:11,460
now basis any escape into the future or

955
00:47:11,460 --> 00:47:14,250
the past is the exam as a likely

956
00:47:14,250 --> 00:47:20,490
resistance against the ongoing encounter

957
00:47:20,490 --> 00:47:25,600
modern man has edited even up so much of

958
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,330
his potential but his ability to cope

959
00:47:28,330 --> 00:47:30,310
with his existence becomes very

960
00:47:30,310 --> 00:47:35,510
impoverished my aim is this

961
00:47:35,510 --> 00:47:37,910
the patient should recover his lost

962
00:47:37,910 --> 00:47:41,210
potential he should integrate the

963
00:47:41,210 --> 00:47:44,510
conflicting celeritas understand the

964
00:47:44,510 --> 00:47:46,310
difference between being playing

965
00:47:46,310 --> 00:47:49,930
especially the playing of verbal games

966
00:47:49,930 --> 00:47:54,020
on the one hand and of genuine authentic

967
00:47:54,020 --> 00:47:57,859
be a confident behavior on the other the

968
00:47:57,859 --> 00:48:01,609
civil war of inner conflicts weakens the

969
00:48:01,609 --> 00:48:04,640
efficiency in comfort of the patient but

970
00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:08,740
every bit of integration strength need

971
00:48:08,740 --> 00:48:11,840
now in the same emergency of the

972
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:15,410
therapeutic saturation I repeat in the

973
00:48:15,410 --> 00:48:18,040
safe emergency of the therapeutic

974
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:21,320
situation the patient begins to take

975
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:25,750
risks into transforms energies from

976
00:48:25,750 --> 00:48:29,170
manipulating the environment for support

977
00:48:29,170 --> 00:48:32,150
into developing greater greater self

978
00:48:32,150 --> 00:48:35,119
support when its reliance on his own

979
00:48:35,119 --> 00:48:40,180
resources this process is called

980
00:48:40,180 --> 00:48:42,860
maturation

981
00:48:42,860 --> 00:48:45,140
once the patient has learned to stand on

982
00:48:45,140 --> 00:48:47,630
its own feet emotionally intellectually

983
00:48:47,630 --> 00:48:50,240
and economically his need for therapy

984
00:48:50,240 --> 00:48:53,270
will collapse we wake up from the

985
00:48:53,270 --> 00:48:56,560
nightmare of his existence

986
00:48:56,560 --> 00:49:01,130
the basic technique is this not to

987
00:49:01,130 --> 00:49:04,040
explain things to the patient but to

988
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,320
provide the patient with opportunities

989
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:11,110
to understand and to discover himself

990
00:49:11,110 --> 00:49:15,320
for this purpose I manipulate and fasted

991
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,750
the patient in such a way that he's

992
00:49:17,750 --> 00:49:21,650
confronting himself in this process he

993
00:49:21,650 --> 00:49:24,950
identifies with his lost potential for

994
00:49:24,950 --> 00:49:27,020
instance through assimilating his

995
00:49:27,020 --> 00:49:31,250
projections by acting out by acting out

996
00:49:31,250 --> 00:49:34,850
the alien parts of himself instantly I

997
00:49:34,850 --> 00:49:37,760
consider any interpretation to be a

998
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:41,000
therapeutic mistake as this one implies

999
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:42,980
that the therapist understands the

1000
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:46,180
patient paper and the patient himself

1001
00:49:46,180 --> 00:49:49,460
takes away from the patient he chance of

1002
00:49:49,460 --> 00:49:54,850
discovering himself by himself and

1003
00:49:54,850 --> 00:49:58,220
prevents him from finding out his own

1004
00:49:58,220 --> 00:50:02,480
values and style and the other hand I

1005
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:06,020
guess I got most of the content of what

1006
00:50:06,020 --> 00:50:08,810
the patient says and concentrate most on

1007
00:50:08,810 --> 00:50:11,300
the nonverbal level as this is the only

1008
00:50:11,300 --> 00:50:14,950
which only one which is less subject to

1009
00:50:14,950 --> 00:50:18,470
self-deception in his verbal pseudo self

1010
00:50:18,470 --> 00:50:21,770
expression on the nonverbal level the

1011
00:50:21,770 --> 00:50:25,790
relevant is start and always emerge and

1012
00:50:25,790 --> 00:50:35,770
can deadly in the here and now

1013
00:50:35,770 --> 00:50:43,330
we are going to interview for happened

1014
00:50:43,330 --> 00:50:47,110
right away I'm scared you see you're

1015
00:50:47,110 --> 00:50:49,810
scared but you're smiling I don't

1016
00:50:49,810 --> 00:50:51,400
understand how it can be scared and

1017
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:55,860
smile at the same time

1018
00:50:55,860 --> 00:50:58,200
and I'm also suspicious of you I think

1019
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,000
you understand very well I think you

1020
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:05,430
know that when I get scared I laugh or I

1021
00:51:05,430 --> 00:51:08,550
kid to cover up but do you have stage 5

1022
00:51:08,550 --> 00:51:13,080
I don't know I'm mostly aware of you I'm

1023
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:15,720
afraid that I'm afraid you're going to

1024
00:51:15,720 --> 00:51:17,670
have such a direct attack that you're

1025
00:51:17,670 --> 00:51:18,960
going to get me in the corner and I'm

1026
00:51:18,960 --> 00:51:20,310
afraid of it I want you to be more on

1027
00:51:20,310 --> 00:51:22,560
myself I get you in your corner you put

1028
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:25,800
your hand on your chest this is your

1029
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:31,380
call well it's like yeah it's like I'm

1030
00:51:31,380 --> 00:51:36,270
afraid no way would you like to go can

1031
00:51:36,270 --> 00:51:39,530
you describe the calling like to go to

1032
00:51:39,530 --> 00:51:44,580
yeah it's back in corner where where I'm

1033
00:51:44,580 --> 00:51:47,820
completely protected they would be safe

1034
00:51:47,820 --> 00:51:51,350
of me for me

1035
00:51:51,350 --> 00:51:53,630
well I know I wouldn't really well in

1036
00:51:53,630 --> 00:51:56,380
their chosen yeah made you in this color

1037
00:51:56,380 --> 00:51:59,960
you're perfectly safe now but what you

1038
00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:03,020
doing the girl I just said mister just

1039
00:52:03,020 --> 00:52:07,340
see how long would you sit I don't know

1040
00:52:07,340 --> 00:52:08,720
but this is so funny as you're saying

1041
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:10,250
this this reminds me of when I was a

1042
00:52:10,250 --> 00:52:10,880
little girl

1043
00:52:10,880 --> 00:52:12,920
every time I was afraid I feel better

1044
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,470
sitting in a corner okay you hanneke I

1045
00:52:15,470 --> 00:52:16,550
didn't get you good

1046
00:52:16,550 --> 00:52:19,280
well no but it's the same feeling are

1047
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:23,240
you good this feeling reminds me of it

1048
00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:26,240
oh you know no not

1049
00:52:26,240 --> 00:52:29,450
oh are you when you're not the little

1050
00:52:29,450 --> 00:52:32,830
kid yeah okay

1051
00:52:32,830 --> 00:52:37,030
so your thought your girl who's afraid

1052
00:52:37,030 --> 00:52:40,750
of a guy like I don't even know yeah I

1053
00:52:40,750 --> 00:52:42,880
don't know I'll be afraid of you I get

1054
00:52:42,880 --> 00:52:46,330
real defensive with you know what can I

1055
00:52:46,330 --> 00:52:49,490
do to you

1056
00:52:49,490 --> 00:52:51,170
you can't do anything but I can sure

1057
00:52:51,170 --> 00:52:53,030
feel down and I can feel stupid for not

1058
00:52:53,030 --> 00:52:55,069
having the right answers now what would

1059
00:52:55,069 --> 00:52:57,319
it do for you to be feel dumb and stupid

1060
00:52:57,319 --> 00:53:00,260
I hate it when I'm stupid what would it

1061
00:53:00,260 --> 00:53:04,520
do for you to be dumb and stupid

1062
00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:07,550
don't put it so like this what would you

1063
00:53:07,550 --> 00:53:10,340
do to me if you would play dumb and

1064
00:53:10,340 --> 00:53:12,500
stupid it makes you all the smarter and

1065
00:53:12,500 --> 00:53:14,780
all the higher above me then I really

1066
00:53:14,780 --> 00:53:16,040
have to look up to you because you're so

1067
00:53:16,040 --> 00:53:16,520
smart

1068
00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:21,500
yeah but me how practically no I think

1069
00:53:21,500 --> 00:53:25,880
you can do that all by yourself I think

1070
00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:27,500
the other way along if you play dumb and

1071
00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:33,670
stupid you force me to be more explicit

1072
00:53:33,670 --> 00:53:35,710
that's been said to me before but I

1073
00:53:35,710 --> 00:53:37,989
don't buy it I don't know what I do with

1074
00:53:37,989 --> 00:53:45,430
your feet now wiggling joke now oh I'm

1075
00:53:45,430 --> 00:53:48,539
afraid to go knows everything I do she

1076
00:53:48,539 --> 00:53:51,730
told me I want you to help me become

1077
00:53:51,730 --> 00:53:53,589
more relaxed yes I don't want to be so

1078
00:53:53,589 --> 00:53:55,329
defensive with you I don't like to feel

1079
00:53:55,329 --> 00:54:02,670
so defensive

1080
00:54:02,670 --> 00:54:04,890
you're acting like you're treating me as

1081
00:54:04,890 --> 00:54:06,599
if I'm stronger than I am and I want you

1082
00:54:06,599 --> 00:54:09,089
to protect me more and be nicer to me

1083
00:54:09,089 --> 00:54:12,089
are you will feel smile don't believe

1084
00:54:12,089 --> 00:54:20,930
about your cords sure bluff your phony

1085
00:54:20,930 --> 00:54:23,210
do you believe you mean it seriously

1086
00:54:23,210 --> 00:54:26,910
yeah if you see your faded you laugh and

1087
00:54:26,910 --> 00:54:32,039
you bigger than you still it's funny put

1088
00:54:32,039 --> 00:54:35,039
the performance for me oh I I resent

1089
00:54:35,039 --> 00:54:39,029
that very much explicit yes sir I most

1090
00:54:39,029 --> 00:54:40,920
certainly I'm not being funny I I will

1091
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:43,170
admit this it's hard for me to show my

1092
00:54:43,170 --> 00:54:44,789
embarrassment and I hate to be

1093
00:54:44,789 --> 00:54:46,799
embarrassed but boy I resent you calling

1094
00:54:46,799 --> 00:54:49,829
me a phony just because I smile when I'm

1095
00:54:49,829 --> 00:54:51,420
embarrassed or I'm put in the corner

1096
00:54:51,420 --> 00:54:53,849
doesn't mean I'm being a phony wonderful

1097
00:54:53,849 --> 00:54:56,039
fiction he didn't spend for the last

1098
00:54:56,039 --> 00:54:56,640
minute

1099
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:59,910
well I met you I am that's right it

1100
00:54:59,910 --> 00:55:02,579
didn't have to cover up your hangovers

1101
00:55:02,579 --> 00:55:05,329
your smile

1102
00:55:05,329 --> 00:55:08,880
no in that moment in that minute you had

1103
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:11,249
not therefore well at that minute I was

1104
00:55:11,249 --> 00:55:13,200
mad though I wasn't embarrassed

1105
00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:16,940
neither to you mention of the phony I

1106
00:55:16,940 --> 00:55:19,289
still resent that I'm not involved with

1107
00:55:19,289 --> 00:55:22,529
him nervous again I want to get mad at

1108
00:55:22,529 --> 00:55:26,670
you I you know what I want you on my

1109
00:55:26,670 --> 00:55:28,859
level so I can pick on you just as much

1110
00:55:28,859 --> 00:55:30,089
as you're picking on me

1111
00:55:30,089 --> 00:55:37,099
okay pic of me

1112
00:55:37,099 --> 00:55:39,529
I have to wait till you say something I

1113
00:55:39,529 --> 00:55:41,599
can pick on better what does this mean

1114
00:55:41,599 --> 00:55:44,809
can you develop this movement it's I

1115
00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:48,410
can't find words I want to develop this

1116
00:55:48,410 --> 00:55:55,549
but if you went dancing I want to start

1117
00:55:55,549 --> 00:55:56,509
all over again with him

1118
00:55:56,509 --> 00:55:58,969
okay that's some fun I don't Collier I'd

1119
00:55:58,969 --> 00:56:00,709
like to put you on I'd like to ask you a

1120
00:56:00,709 --> 00:56:02,569
question and because I have a feeling

1121
00:56:02,569 --> 00:56:04,039
you don't like me right off the bat and

1122
00:56:04,039 --> 00:56:07,249
I want to know if you do can you not

1123
00:56:07,249 --> 00:56:09,949
play put spells not like a Gloria what

1124
00:56:09,949 --> 00:56:13,819
would he say he'd say that she's a phony

1125
00:56:13,819 --> 00:56:17,239
for one see you our food you're a phony

1126
00:56:17,239 --> 00:56:21,469
and you're a flip little girl and your

1127
00:56:21,469 --> 00:56:27,920
show-off what would look absolutely

1128
00:56:27,920 --> 00:56:30,619
I know what I'd answer I'd say I think

1129
00:56:30,619 --> 00:56:31,630
you are too

1130
00:56:31,630 --> 00:56:34,339
you'll say tell this to me he told me

1131
00:56:34,339 --> 00:56:40,300
what before you got him

1132
00:56:40,300 --> 00:56:43,520
secret tip for

1133
00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:46,070
for me I'm not quite the right word but

1134
00:56:46,070 --> 00:56:49,790
it's more like a a show-off sure I can't

1135
00:56:49,790 --> 00:56:50,900
know all the answers

1136
00:56:50,900 --> 00:56:54,170
yeah and I want you to be more human and

1137
00:56:54,170 --> 00:56:56,720
that doesn't seem very human to me no

1138
00:56:56,720 --> 00:56:58,369
it's not about you

1139
00:56:58,369 --> 00:57:00,260
Yeah right away find out how I'm kicking

1140
00:57:00,260 --> 00:57:02,450
my feet and why am i doing like this why

1141
00:57:02,450 --> 00:57:04,790
are you doing like that oh yeah I've got

1142
00:57:04,790 --> 00:57:06,590
eyes I can see you're kicking your feet

1143
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:09,890
I don't need a scientific computer to

1144
00:57:09,890 --> 00:57:12,440
see that you're kicking your feet let's

1145
00:57:12,440 --> 00:57:15,920
think about that I don't need to be wise

1146
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:18,740
to see the chicken feet I know but it

1147
00:57:18,740 --> 00:57:19,880
seems like you're trying to find some

1148
00:57:19,880 --> 00:57:23,020
reason for it I don't

1149
00:57:23,020 --> 00:57:26,270
this year imagination okay I know what

1150
00:57:26,270 --> 00:57:27,440
I'd like from you can I tell you what

1151
00:57:27,440 --> 00:57:28,369
I'd like Sunita

1152
00:57:28,369 --> 00:57:30,260
I'd like you to be aware that I'm

1153
00:57:30,260 --> 00:57:32,300
kicking my feet and to be aware that I'm

1154
00:57:32,300 --> 00:57:33,860
giggling when I'm really nervous and

1155
00:57:33,860 --> 00:57:35,090
accept it instead of putting me on the

1156
00:57:35,090 --> 00:57:37,880
defensive having to explain it I don't

1157
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:39,890
want to have to explain why I'm doing

1158
00:57:39,890 --> 00:57:41,840
these things you could scream

1159
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:43,640
you said why am i or what am i doing

1160
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:46,310
well what am i doing he said it's right

1161
00:57:46,310 --> 00:57:48,080
kicking your feet I didn't ask you to

1162
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:52,140
explain the see imagination

1163
00:57:52,140 --> 00:57:54,420
it's not this for it is the foots of

1164
00:57:54,420 --> 00:58:02,540
your imagination big difference

1165
00:58:02,540 --> 00:58:12,569
to the circuit again you feel now

1166
00:58:12,569 --> 00:58:16,579
hello stupid

1167
00:58:16,579 --> 00:58:21,029
I'm not playing stupid I don't know this

1168
00:58:21,029 --> 00:58:34,730
is plain stupid

1169
00:58:34,730 --> 00:58:36,680
you get something with you here there

1170
00:58:36,680 --> 00:58:38,990
it's very chance something my hair with

1171
00:58:38,990 --> 00:58:45,530
you object to know okay

1172
00:58:45,530 --> 00:58:49,070
no but I your your hair and your

1173
00:58:49,070 --> 00:58:51,350
features go along with the feeling I had

1174
00:58:51,350 --> 00:58:53,090
about you earlier I had a phone I could

1175
00:58:53,090 --> 00:58:56,210
be afraid of you and you're the type of

1176
00:58:56,210 --> 00:58:57,710
person that seems like you're Demian so

1177
00:58:57,710 --> 00:59:01,880
much respect and song Europe these

1178
00:59:01,880 --> 00:59:02,570
favorites

1179
00:59:02,570 --> 00:59:05,150
I demand so much respect okay that's

1180
00:59:05,150 --> 00:59:08,740
what you just saw

1181
00:59:08,740 --> 00:59:11,589
well you know how smart I am I know more

1182
00:59:11,589 --> 00:59:14,020
about psychology than you do Gloria so

1183
00:59:14,020 --> 00:59:16,839
anything I say of course is right can

1184
00:59:16,839 --> 00:59:18,700
you say the same is Gloria something

1185
00:59:18,700 --> 00:59:22,839
similar is global but the same I guess

1186
00:59:22,839 --> 00:59:24,980
Chloe

1187
00:59:24,980 --> 00:59:29,640
I demand respect because

1188
00:59:29,640 --> 00:59:32,320
I don't know

1189
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:34,840
no I don't identify it with my father

1190
00:59:34,840 --> 00:59:36,490
but not me I don't feel like a man

1191
00:59:36,490 --> 00:59:41,530
respect the man no sure I mean I think

1192
00:59:41,530 --> 00:59:43,510
I'd like more I'd like you to respect me

1193
00:59:43,510 --> 00:59:47,130
more well you see so your demand respect

1194
00:59:47,130 --> 00:59:50,890
alright yeah yeah so am i right if I

1195
00:59:50,890 --> 00:59:56,970
click demand respect from you I would do

1196
00:59:56,970 --> 01:00:03,309
who's preventing you except yourself

1197
01:00:03,309 --> 01:00:05,079
because I feel if I get myself out on

1198
01:00:05,079 --> 01:00:07,959
the corner here let me just drown you're

1199
01:00:07,959 --> 01:00:09,339
not going to help me one bit and I know

1200
01:00:09,339 --> 01:00:11,169
that I can't quite come up to standards

1201
01:00:11,169 --> 01:00:13,419
with you what should i do then you're

1202
01:00:13,419 --> 01:00:20,279
the chrome encourage me to come out oh

1203
01:00:20,279 --> 01:00:24,939
we don't have enough courage to come out

1204
01:00:24,939 --> 01:00:25,839
by yourself

1205
01:00:25,839 --> 01:00:28,390
you need something for little limbs in

1206
01:00:28,390 --> 01:00:31,269
the stairs out of it oh yeah so anytime

1207
01:00:31,269 --> 01:00:34,900
you want somebody to pay attention to

1208
01:00:34,900 --> 01:00:37,419
you call into a corner and wait till

1209
01:00:37,419 --> 01:00:40,059
your car service that's exactly what I'd

1210
01:00:40,059 --> 01:00:43,089
like and this is what I call fun part

1211
01:00:43,089 --> 01:00:45,459
knee this is for the court for me why is

1212
01:00:45,459 --> 01:00:47,469
it funny I'm admitting to you what I am

1213
01:00:47,469 --> 01:00:49,749
how is that a funny that is a phony

1214
01:00:49,749 --> 01:00:52,539
because it's a trick it's a gimmick the

1215
01:00:52,539 --> 01:00:54,699
quality of Colin wait until somebody

1216
01:00:54,699 --> 01:00:57,309
comes to us I'm admitting it I know what

1217
01:00:57,309 --> 01:00:59,739
I'm doing I'm not being funny I'm not

1218
01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:03,729
pretending I'm so brave I resent that I

1219
01:01:03,729 --> 01:01:05,289
feel like you're saying unless I come

1220
01:01:05,289 --> 01:01:07,929
out openly and stand on my own I'm not a

1221
01:01:07,929 --> 01:01:10,539
phony baloney I'm just just as real

1222
01:01:10,539 --> 01:01:12,159
sitting in that corner as I am out here

1223
01:01:12,159 --> 01:01:14,529
all by myself but ends up sitting in New

1224
01:01:14,529 --> 01:01:22,790
Mexico well not now

1225
01:01:22,790 --> 01:01:24,650
and besides that it's like passing

1226
01:01:24,650 --> 01:01:26,090
judgment when you call me phony I just

1227
01:01:26,090 --> 01:01:28,190
hate that anyway now we are getting

1228
01:01:28,190 --> 01:01:32,840
something I call anybody phony who put

1229
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:37,250
some necked and if you like somebody you

1230
01:01:37,250 --> 01:01:40,760
want to meet this person to go to this

1231
01:01:40,760 --> 01:01:42,710
person tell them I would like to meet

1232
01:01:42,710 --> 01:01:46,220
you I would call not for me but if you

1233
01:01:46,220 --> 01:01:49,270
consciously go into the corner and

1234
01:01:49,270 --> 01:01:52,490
waiting to be rescued this I call for me

1235
01:01:52,490 --> 01:01:54,620
here's a copy and I still think you're

1236
01:01:54,620 --> 01:01:56,630
judgmental you know what I have a

1237
01:01:56,630 --> 01:01:58,280
feeling you've never felt this way in

1238
01:01:58,280 --> 01:02:00,110
your life you feel so secure that you

1239
01:02:00,110 --> 01:02:01,550
don't have to feel anybody that does

1240
01:02:01,550 --> 01:02:02,870
something like this you're gonna pass

1241
01:02:02,870 --> 01:02:04,730
judgment on their being a phony while I

1242
01:02:04,730 --> 01:02:07,670
resent it no play puts passing judgment

1243
01:02:07,670 --> 01:02:09,950
or you're sitting up there in your big

1244
01:02:09,950 --> 01:02:16,020
old chair I'm the type a stretcher

1245
01:02:16,020 --> 01:02:19,800
how's catchman on Mila

1246
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:22,110
I don't feel close to you at all dr.

1247
01:02:22,110 --> 01:02:25,200
pearls I feel that's Tony I feel like

1248
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:26,700
you're playing one big game

1249
01:02:26,700 --> 01:02:31,350
what sure it playing games but in spite

1250
01:02:31,350 --> 01:02:34,440
of the games I think I touch you now and

1251
01:02:34,440 --> 01:02:36,930
then I think I'm out you in our culture

1252
01:02:36,930 --> 01:02:38,610
food of course you did

1253
01:02:38,610 --> 01:02:41,250
and I think I hit the bull's eye that's

1254
01:02:41,250 --> 01:02:45,800
why you feel hot

1255
01:02:45,800 --> 01:02:47,690
I don't know all I know is when somebody

1256
01:02:47,690 --> 01:02:49,070
when I feel the way I feel with you

1257
01:02:49,070 --> 01:02:49,610
right now

1258
01:02:49,610 --> 01:02:51,890
I it's like you don't have feelings

1259
01:02:51,890 --> 01:02:53,180
right now

1260
01:02:53,180 --> 01:02:57,170
accentuate this but you just like that's

1261
01:02:57,170 --> 01:03:00,590
it talk to you like I can't I can't I

1262
01:03:00,590 --> 01:03:02,390
want to laugh I want to I'd like you to

1263
01:03:02,390 --> 01:03:03,530
be younger than me so I could really

1264
01:03:03,530 --> 01:03:07,580
scold you how it must have been my h3

1265
01:03:07,580 --> 01:03:10,970
good at something now imagine I know

1266
01:03:10,970 --> 01:03:13,340
yours could okay don't be so cocksure

1267
01:03:13,340 --> 01:03:15,800
yourself don't think you're so doggone

1268
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:16,310
smart

1269
01:03:16,310 --> 01:03:18,050
don't act so proud because you've never

1270
01:03:18,050 --> 01:03:19,550
been in the corner I think you can be

1271
01:03:19,550 --> 01:03:21,500
just as big a phony parading around like

1272
01:03:21,500 --> 01:03:23,720
you're so damn smart you know all the

1273
01:03:23,720 --> 01:03:25,369
answers as much as me sitting in my

1274
01:03:25,369 --> 01:03:25,970
corner

1275
01:03:25,970 --> 01:03:28,369
oh and I like the feeling with you being

1276
01:03:28,369 --> 01:03:30,230
younger I'd like to really I'd like to

1277
01:03:30,230 --> 01:03:31,460
embarrass you

1278
01:03:31,460 --> 01:03:33,890
it does when you every what you wouldn't

1279
01:03:33,890 --> 01:03:37,150
get embarrassed you see my affected

1280
01:03:37,150 --> 01:03:41,950
Bettis me how hard how ugly I am

1281
01:03:41,950 --> 01:03:44,060
you don't look alike when you look

1282
01:03:44,060 --> 01:03:44,990
distinguished

1283
01:03:44,990 --> 01:03:46,910
that gives us all the more on your side

1284
01:03:46,910 --> 01:03:49,060
if you look so distinguished then see

1285
01:03:49,060 --> 01:03:52,160
that's more on your side too right oh

1286
01:03:52,160 --> 01:03:54,500
yeah can you see Swanson with quite a

1287
01:03:54,500 --> 01:03:59,270
good fire no I know no that's it

1288
01:03:59,270 --> 01:04:00,710
I don't think you're fighting with me

1289
01:04:00,710 --> 01:04:04,000
but I thought you came out quite a bit

1290
01:04:04,000 --> 01:04:08,900
know how manager wonderful but you seem

1291
01:04:08,900 --> 01:04:11,180
so detached you don't even seem to care

1292
01:04:11,180 --> 01:04:15,830
that I'm mad at you for not recognizing

1293
01:04:15,830 --> 01:04:18,530
me at all doctor Pearl's not a bit this

1294
01:04:18,530 --> 01:04:21,680
is quite true our contact is much too

1295
01:04:21,680 --> 01:04:24,680
superficial to be involved in cave I

1296
01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:29,510
care for you as far as let's see you all

1297
01:04:29,510 --> 01:04:32,240
right now my client I care for you as

1298
01:04:32,240 --> 01:04:35,570
far as I'd like to like an artist in

1299
01:04:35,570 --> 01:04:38,000
something hug which is hidden

1300
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:44,800
this is fire care

1301
01:04:44,800 --> 01:04:49,090
well I'd like you to I'd like to feel

1302
01:04:49,090 --> 01:04:50,800
that there's some it's frustrating if I

1303
01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:52,360
were to leave you right now and not see

1304
01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:53,890
again it would frustrate me to feel like

1305
01:04:53,890 --> 01:04:55,270
there haven't been more contact I feel

1306
01:04:55,270 --> 01:04:57,430
completely out of contact with you like

1307
01:04:57,430 --> 01:04:59,110
I'm talking to the baby that doesn't

1308
01:04:59,110 --> 01:05:01,180
understand me or something like that I

1309
01:05:01,180 --> 01:05:02,710
don't feel like we're a bit in contact

1310
01:05:02,710 --> 01:05:06,160
and that frustrates me that bothers me

1311
01:05:06,160 --> 01:05:07,480
more than being angry with you I'd

1312
01:05:07,480 --> 01:05:09,880
rather we were angry and fought and to

1313
01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:13,510
have no contact yeah this reminds me of

1314
01:05:13,510 --> 01:05:15,370
when my husband and I used to fight he

1315
01:05:15,370 --> 01:05:17,110
sits there and he listens to me but he's

1316
01:05:17,110 --> 01:05:18,790
not even aware of how much I hate him

1317
01:05:18,790 --> 01:05:21,580
and how mad I am at him I'd rather say

1318
01:05:21,580 --> 01:05:23,890
I'd love it rather affect you you didn't

1319
01:05:23,890 --> 01:05:29,050
really hate me or something and I feel

1320
01:05:29,050 --> 01:05:30,190
like you're purposely staying out of

1321
01:05:30,190 --> 01:05:33,690
contact with me how should I be

1322
01:05:33,690 --> 01:05:37,600
give me a fantasy how could I share my

1323
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:40,820
concern with here

1324
01:05:40,820 --> 01:05:43,610
I can't say in words I know the feeling

1325
01:05:43,610 --> 01:05:45,530
I'd seen on you but I can't say it's

1326
01:05:45,530 --> 01:05:50,450
just a feeling like I don't know it's

1327
01:05:50,450 --> 01:05:52,040
like I want you to respect me more as a

1328
01:05:52,040 --> 01:05:54,200
human being that I've got feelings now

1329
01:05:54,200 --> 01:05:56,210
we come back to the beginning so you

1330
01:05:56,210 --> 01:05:59,030
won't respect yes I do I do

1331
01:05:59,030 --> 01:06:01,040
this is a different kind of respect and

1332
01:06:01,040 --> 01:06:02,660
I won it the first time but you want to

1333
01:06:02,660 --> 01:06:08,040
eat this yes

1334
01:06:08,040 --> 01:06:10,830
I respect you so much as you deem that I

1335
01:06:10,830 --> 01:06:12,900
refuse to accept the phony part of

1336
01:06:12,900 --> 01:06:15,690
yourself and I trust myself to the

1337
01:06:15,690 --> 01:06:18,090
genuine part right now the last few

1338
01:06:18,090 --> 01:06:21,530
minutes we were wonderfully generally

1339
01:06:21,530 --> 01:06:26,880
women playing anymore I could see you

1340
01:06:26,880 --> 01:06:29,970
very good okay

1341
01:06:29,970 --> 01:06:33,000
well I don't feel I've got it right when

1342
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:35,220
I felt like somebody or I disagree what

1343
01:06:35,220 --> 01:06:37,050
somebody's doing if if I should respect

1344
01:06:37,050 --> 01:06:38,130
them if they're above me they're

1345
01:06:38,130 --> 01:06:39,750
superior to me I don't feel I've got a

1346
01:06:39,750 --> 01:06:41,460
right to really really tell you how mad

1347
01:06:41,460 --> 01:06:44,060
I am it's it's village

1348
01:06:44,060 --> 01:06:46,619
we're not take it to chicken you're

1349
01:06:46,619 --> 01:06:49,619
taking pic to your safe corner that's

1350
01:06:49,619 --> 01:06:50,700
the way it feels

1351
01:06:50,700 --> 01:06:52,200
that's what the seed corn feels like to

1352
01:06:52,200 --> 01:06:55,319
me now go back to your safe crop because

1353
01:06:55,319 --> 01:06:57,480
we have to pop well so you steal

1354
01:06:57,480 --> 01:06:59,160
yourself collar you came out for a

1355
01:06:59,160 --> 01:06:59,640
moment

1356
01:06:59,640 --> 01:07:02,579
you nearly met me could get a little bit

1357
01:07:02,579 --> 01:07:03,540
angry with me

1358
01:07:03,540 --> 01:07:06,270
okay for your safety I feel like you're

1359
01:07:06,270 --> 01:07:08,190
telling me the only way you respect me

1360
01:07:08,190 --> 01:07:10,050
as a human being if I'm aggressive and

1361
01:07:10,050 --> 01:07:12,960
forceful in strong yeah I thought you

1362
01:07:12,960 --> 01:07:14,520
couldn't even accept mine I'd be scared

1363
01:07:14,520 --> 01:07:16,800
to death to cry in front of you I feel

1364
01:07:16,800 --> 01:07:18,030
like you'd laugh at me and call me a

1365
01:07:18,030 --> 01:07:20,220
phony I feel like you don't accept my

1366
01:07:20,220 --> 01:07:22,109
weak side only when I'm yelling back at

1367
01:07:22,109 --> 01:07:25,500
you were hollering at you you must

1368
01:07:25,500 --> 01:07:28,349
define Memphis well I wouldn't even give

1369
01:07:28,349 --> 01:07:32,000
you the satisfaction see this again no

1370
01:07:32,000 --> 01:07:35,520
see the ticket

1371
01:07:35,520 --> 01:07:38,100
I try not to I try not to cry in front

1372
01:07:38,100 --> 01:07:39,900
of you or show my weak spot for period

1373
01:07:39,900 --> 01:07:40,770
jump on me again

1374
01:07:40,770 --> 01:07:43,830
hey that your eyes are most I'm aware

1375
01:07:43,830 --> 01:07:46,430
that I feel more jokey yes I feel it

1376
01:07:46,430 --> 01:07:51,430
could you choke me

1377
01:07:51,430 --> 01:07:54,150
pretend but not for real women for me

1378
01:07:54,150 --> 01:07:56,460
because I don't hate you that much

1379
01:07:56,460 --> 01:07:59,740
anyone who took my history with me to

1380
01:07:59,740 --> 01:08:03,819
choke you so you would be crying I'd

1381
01:08:03,819 --> 01:08:05,650
like to I'd like to choke you it would

1382
01:08:05,650 --> 01:08:08,200
be to make you cry I'd like to see you

1383
01:08:08,200 --> 01:08:11,859
weak I'd like to see you hurt and

1384
01:08:11,859 --> 01:08:14,880
vulnerable

1385
01:08:14,880 --> 01:08:18,929
refer to this thing for you

1386
01:08:18,929 --> 01:08:21,870
make me feel like I'm I have more of a

1387
01:08:21,870 --> 01:08:23,880
right to be heard you went jump on me so

1388
01:08:23,880 --> 01:08:26,850
quick would you jump on me if I would

1389
01:08:26,850 --> 01:08:27,420
cry

1390
01:08:27,420 --> 01:08:30,270
no but I would jump on you if you would

1391
01:08:30,270 --> 01:08:31,429
cry

1392
01:08:31,429 --> 01:08:34,710
you sure this

1393
01:08:34,710 --> 01:08:38,910
no I'm not sure

1394
01:08:38,910 --> 01:08:41,609
but what would you like me to do if you

1395
01:08:41,609 --> 01:08:45,479
were to cry

1396
01:08:45,479 --> 01:08:48,069
are you smiling you're trying something

1397
01:08:48,069 --> 01:08:48,550
off

1398
01:08:48,550 --> 01:08:50,200
well because I got two feelings I was

1399
01:08:50,200 --> 01:08:51,880
gonna say I want you to I want you to

1400
01:08:51,880 --> 01:08:53,740
love me and hug me but then I thought no

1401
01:08:53,740 --> 01:08:57,189
I don't want to what's your passion I'd

1402
01:08:57,189 --> 01:09:00,520
be scared to be too close to you now

1403
01:09:00,520 --> 01:09:01,569
we're getting somewhere

1404
01:09:01,569 --> 01:09:03,850
first you want to be close to me now

1405
01:09:03,850 --> 01:09:06,939
your fate to be too close just what I'm

1406
01:09:06,939 --> 01:09:07,330
saying

1407
01:09:07,330 --> 01:09:10,930
that's right now we got the two ports of

1408
01:09:10,930 --> 01:09:12,430
exist look they're two different

1409
01:09:12,430 --> 01:09:14,560
feelings close I mean emotionally but

1410
01:09:14,560 --> 01:09:18,790
not physically affected two ports of

1411
01:09:18,790 --> 01:09:21,580
existence now I have a far away in the

1412
01:09:21,580 --> 01:09:26,500
corner I'll be so close that you can

1413
01:09:26,500 --> 01:09:32,350
melted to run with other person the

1414
01:09:32,350 --> 01:09:39,738
penalty travel between the two extremes

1415
01:09:39,738 --> 01:09:42,620
I do you know what I'm thinking when I

1416
01:09:42,620 --> 01:09:45,770
am really hurt and really upset about

1417
01:09:45,770 --> 01:09:48,049
something and I want someone to love me

1418
01:09:48,049 --> 01:09:49,279
like my girlfriend will do a lot and

1419
01:09:49,279 --> 01:09:51,500
she'll come up to hug me I don't I don't

1420
01:09:51,500 --> 01:09:56,390
want it see what I'm talking about

1421
01:09:56,390 --> 01:10:01,989
you cannot sustain contact

1422
01:10:01,989 --> 01:10:07,060
okay this isn't damage but I think if

1423
01:10:07,060 --> 01:10:08,920
you hit too close to your foe and if you

1424
01:10:08,920 --> 01:10:10,800
let her hug you

1425
01:10:10,800 --> 01:10:13,270
the only thing I'm aware of is like when

1426
01:10:13,270 --> 01:10:15,010
I perspire it embarrasses me that should

1427
01:10:15,010 --> 01:10:17,650
feel how wet I am and it should hold my

1428
01:10:17,650 --> 01:10:21,070
body up close and I don't know I'll feel

1429
01:10:21,070 --> 01:10:25,450
fish it's question yeah yes I am I do

1430
01:10:25,450 --> 01:10:28,560
this more geeky

1431
01:10:28,560 --> 01:10:31,600
is it itchy I can just feel what it is I

1432
01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:33,460
don't like it you see this to me put

1433
01:10:33,460 --> 01:10:39,650
your icky

1434
01:10:39,650 --> 01:10:41,940
you know

1435
01:10:41,940 --> 01:10:45,090
that's a difficulty because I feel like

1436
01:10:45,090 --> 01:10:46,320
if you really believe me that one hurt

1437
01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:49,560
your feelings oh you must love my

1438
01:10:49,560 --> 01:10:53,310
feelings wow I thought that was so

1439
01:10:53,310 --> 01:10:55,560
indifferent sissy before that road

1440
01:10:55,560 --> 01:10:57,870
nothing could touch me now you suddenly

1441
01:10:57,870 --> 01:11:02,180
discovered the way to touch me isn't it

1442
01:11:02,180 --> 01:11:05,160
well you know what I believe I believe

1443
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:06,630
you're the type of person sort of like

1444
01:11:06,630 --> 01:11:08,460
really that you act like it wouldn't

1445
01:11:08,460 --> 01:11:09,900
hurt your feelings but it really would

1446
01:11:09,900 --> 01:11:13,050
Black's strong but you you're soft and

1447
01:11:13,050 --> 01:11:17,910
vulnerable inside there too I think your

1448
01:11:17,910 --> 01:11:21,300
feelings could be hurt sure but I don't

1449
01:11:21,300 --> 01:11:24,360
think you'd show it very easy look what

1450
01:11:24,360 --> 01:11:28,140
I do I would I could see to my feelings

1451
01:11:28,140 --> 01:11:30,090
I turning it back on me

1452
01:11:30,090 --> 01:11:32,820
I think now what did you get from that

1453
01:11:32,820 --> 01:11:35,100
Gloria you turn the whole thing back on

1454
01:11:35,100 --> 01:11:36,930
me instead of showing another jewel

1455
01:11:36,930 --> 01:11:39,330
now can you see this to puts out to you

1456
01:11:39,330 --> 01:11:41,940
what did you get out of this face see

1457
01:11:41,940 --> 01:11:44,610
this to me would you get out of what but

1458
01:11:44,610 --> 01:11:50,350
you just see Mississippians

1459
01:11:50,350 --> 01:11:52,550
sure I know what you'd get out of it if

1460
01:11:52,550 --> 01:11:54,020
I said what did you get out of this rich

1461
01:11:54,020 --> 01:11:57,650
kid say nothing it didn't bother me it

1462
01:11:57,650 --> 01:11:59,240
was you that didn't you still wouldn't

1463
01:11:59,240 --> 01:12:00,560
let me know you were hurt but I know

1464
01:12:00,560 --> 01:12:01,970
what it would be if you told your true

1465
01:12:01,970 --> 01:12:03,500
feelings but you didn't want to show

1466
01:12:03,500 --> 01:12:06,170
your hurt so you covered it up same way

1467
01:12:06,170 --> 01:12:07,190
with me in the corner

1468
01:12:07,190 --> 01:12:10,160
not if I well if I would cry what would

1469
01:12:10,160 --> 01:12:13,449
you do this

1470
01:12:13,449 --> 01:12:15,790
you would be you wouldn't be so superior

1471
01:12:15,790 --> 01:12:18,040
to me you'd be more vulnerable and I

1472
01:12:18,040 --> 01:12:20,260
could pacify you and make you feel

1473
01:12:20,260 --> 01:12:20,739
better

1474
01:12:20,739 --> 01:12:23,380
good hard for me yes and I could be the

1475
01:12:23,380 --> 01:12:27,880
babe yes yes I'd like that

1476
01:12:27,880 --> 01:12:29,500
he had feel more on my level I wouldn't

1477
01:12:29,500 --> 01:12:32,230
have to feel so done with you the other

1478
01:12:32,230 --> 01:12:35,550
way Paul who would have to be my baby

1479
01:12:35,550 --> 01:12:39,130
she would cry we would like to pay the

1480
01:12:39,130 --> 01:12:41,940
baby and be comforted in Parkton the

1481
01:12:41,940 --> 01:12:46,410
poor thing every man to

1482
01:12:46,410 --> 01:12:50,020
attend something came to mass closure

1483
01:12:50,020 --> 01:12:52,810
he came to little bit of understatement

1484
01:12:52,810 --> 01:12:57,160
I think we finish this simple situation

1485
01:12:57,160 --> 01:13:05,929
well

1486
01:13:05,929 --> 01:13:09,550
the demonstration was in my opinion

1487
01:13:09,550 --> 01:13:12,559
quite successful and consistent with my

1488
01:13:12,559 --> 01:13:15,769
theoretical outlook the avoidance of the

1489
01:13:15,769 --> 01:13:18,349
genuine encounter manifested itself in

1490
01:13:18,349 --> 01:13:19,360
three ways

1491
01:13:19,360 --> 01:13:25,340
the patient was first taking control by

1492
01:13:25,340 --> 01:13:27,919
putting on a smiling sophisticated phony

1493
01:13:27,919 --> 01:13:30,559
mask of oscillating between the pretense

1494
01:13:30,559 --> 01:13:33,110
of being frightened and yet at the same

1495
01:13:33,110 --> 01:13:37,159
time having me figured out that's being

1496
01:13:37,159 --> 01:13:40,099
or believing to be fully in control of

1497
01:13:40,099 --> 01:13:44,719
the situation secondly she was

1498
01:13:44,719 --> 01:13:48,499
withdrawing by fantasizing of hiding in

1499
01:13:48,499 --> 01:13:55,760
a corner Berkeley she was blocking the

1500
01:13:55,760 --> 01:13:58,689
real encounter of melting through crying

1501
01:13:58,689 --> 01:14:02,059
which then would have been the real

1502
01:14:02,059 --> 01:14:06,769
emotional meaning of this meeting the

1503
01:14:06,769 --> 01:14:08,749
patient was capable of identifying her

1504
01:14:08,749 --> 01:14:11,149
surface several fantasies she had

1505
01:14:11,149 --> 01:14:13,789
projected onto me she was this was

1506
01:14:13,789 --> 01:14:15,800
especially evident with regard to her

1507
01:14:15,800 --> 01:14:19,449
initial denial for need to be respected

1508
01:14:19,449 --> 01:14:22,039
the need for environmental support

1509
01:14:22,039 --> 01:14:24,349
started to come out beside so need to

1510
01:14:24,349 --> 01:14:25,809
get respect

1511
01:14:25,809 --> 01:14:28,669
it was normalized in a wish to be cared

1512
01:14:28,669 --> 01:14:33,139
for rescued from the corner and so on I

1513
01:14:33,139 --> 01:14:36,019
broke off the session when the first

1514
01:14:36,019 --> 01:14:39,619
tears begin to appear she began to play

1515
01:14:39,619 --> 01:14:41,539
the role of a lonely child and

1516
01:14:41,539 --> 01:14:43,369
apparently wanted to be hugged and

1517
01:14:43,369 --> 01:14:46,550
comforted adhere to a simulation of a

1518
01:14:46,550 --> 01:14:49,219
projection began to work she began to

1519
01:14:49,219 --> 01:14:55,600
experience holding me like a baby

1520
01:14:55,600 --> 01:14:58,010
apart from

1521
01:14:58,010 --> 01:15:00,470
assisting in assimilating and some

1522
01:15:00,470 --> 01:15:02,660
projections they made therapeutic factor

1523
01:15:02,660 --> 01:15:05,900
was to show how the inconsistency of a

1524
01:15:05,900 --> 01:15:08,510
verbal and nonverbal behavior for

1525
01:15:08,510 --> 01:15:11,120
instance saying that she was frightened

1526
01:15:11,120 --> 01:15:14,290
and smiling at the same time a

1527
01:15:14,290 --> 01:15:19,880
frightening person does not smile may I

1528
01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:21,530
fear it was in the direction of

1529
01:15:21,530 --> 01:15:24,890
embarrassment this embarrassment was

1530
01:15:24,890 --> 01:15:28,700
protected by the brazenness and anger to

1531
01:15:28,700 --> 01:15:30,770
get to exist the existential

1532
01:15:30,770 --> 01:15:32,600
embarrassment we would have to work

1533
01:15:32,600 --> 01:15:34,640
through and eliminated the phone in this

1534
01:15:34,640 --> 01:15:37,880
that is the ease with which we can

1535
01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:40,370
superficially assume any role that is

1536
01:15:40,370 --> 01:15:42,610
required for a specific situation

1537
01:15:42,610 --> 01:15:46,130
this suit adaptation is her way of

1538
01:15:46,130 --> 01:15:50,420
coping with life this is about what I

1539
01:15:50,420 --> 01:16:00,620
got out of this session

1540
01:16:00,620 --> 01:16:10,070
you

1541
01:16:10,070 --> 01:16:12,900
rationale therapy a rational emotive

1542
01:16:12,900 --> 01:16:14,460
therapy also called

1543
01:16:14,460 --> 01:16:17,970
RT for short is based on several

1544
01:16:17,970 --> 01:16:20,730
fundamental propositions or hypotheses

1545
01:16:20,730 --> 01:16:23,760
the first of these is that the past is

1546
01:16:23,760 --> 01:16:26,820
not crucial in a person's life

1547
01:16:26,820 --> 01:16:30,690
the past affects him a good deal but he

1548
01:16:30,690 --> 01:16:33,090
effects himself much more than the past

1549
01:16:33,090 --> 01:16:36,180
affects him because no matter what he

1550
01:16:36,180 --> 01:16:39,120
has learned during his historical

1551
01:16:39,120 --> 01:16:42,390
development the only reason why these

1552
01:16:42,390 --> 01:16:44,160
things that have happened to him and

1553
01:16:44,160 --> 01:16:46,950
have been told to him affect him today

1554
01:16:46,950 --> 01:16:51,330
is because he is still re indoctrinating

1555
01:16:51,330 --> 01:16:53,340
himself with the same philosophies of

1556
01:16:53,340 --> 01:16:56,570
life the same values that he usually

1557
01:16:56,570 --> 01:17:00,630
imbibed and taught himself to early in

1558
01:17:00,630 --> 01:17:05,210
his childhood so we stick largely in the

1559
01:17:05,210 --> 01:17:06,990
present in rational emotive

1560
01:17:06,990 --> 01:17:09,680
psychotherapy rather than in the past

1561
01:17:09,680 --> 01:17:13,400
and we believe that today the individual

1562
01:17:13,400 --> 01:17:16,530
experiences negative emotions

1563
01:17:16,530 --> 01:17:19,490
self-defeating behavior inefficiencies

1564
01:17:19,490 --> 01:17:23,970
because he now is indoctrinating himself

1565
01:17:23,970 --> 01:17:27,330
with what we call simple exclamatory

1566
01:17:27,330 --> 01:17:31,410
sentences which involve ideas human

1567
01:17:31,410 --> 01:17:34,560
beings can tell themselves ideas in all

1568
01:17:34,560 --> 01:17:37,800
kinds of languages and pictures in sign

1569
01:17:37,800 --> 01:17:40,110
languages and non verbal expression in

1570
01:17:40,110 --> 01:17:42,660
man for example but they normally speak

1571
01:17:42,660 --> 01:17:45,210
to themselves in simple English if

1572
01:17:45,210 --> 01:17:47,940
English is their native tongue and when

1573
01:17:47,940 --> 01:17:50,220
they talk to themselves in an irrational

1574
01:17:50,220 --> 01:17:53,910
or an illogical way then they create

1575
01:17:53,910 --> 01:17:56,910
they literally create their negative

1576
01:17:56,910 --> 01:17:59,610
feelings or emotions in the behavior

1577
01:17:59,610 --> 01:18:03,420
that follows their from now just to give

1578
01:18:03,420 --> 01:18:06,690
an example the individual usually tells

1579
01:18:06,690 --> 01:18:09,690
himself when he's upset first the same

1580
01:18:09,690 --> 01:18:12,560
sentence and then an insane that

1581
01:18:12,560 --> 01:18:15,200
the same sentence is something along the

1582
01:18:15,200 --> 01:18:17,600
order of I don't like the thing that

1583
01:18:17,600 --> 01:18:20,750
I've done I dislike my own behavior and

1584
01:18:20,750 --> 01:18:24,680
that would be fun but unfortunately he

1585
01:18:24,680 --> 01:18:27,800
follows it with an insane sentence which

1586
01:18:27,800 --> 01:18:31,520
says to himself and because I don't like

1587
01:18:31,520 --> 01:18:34,610
my behavior I am a louse I am worthless

1588
01:18:34,610 --> 01:18:37,340
I am a no-goodnik and this thoroughly

1589
01:18:37,340 --> 01:18:40,670
insane sentence which is a sentence of

1590
01:18:40,670 --> 01:18:43,280
faith unfounded on fact which has no

1591
01:18:43,280 --> 01:18:45,890
empirical reference which is a kind of

1592
01:18:45,890 --> 01:18:48,740
superstitious or dogmatically religious

1593
01:18:48,740 --> 01:18:51,590
system creates what we call his anxiety

1594
01:18:51,590 --> 01:18:53,900
and through his anxieties depression his

1595
01:18:53,900 --> 01:18:54,350
guilt

1596
01:18:54,350 --> 01:18:57,410
there's other forms of self defeatism or

1597
01:18:57,410 --> 01:18:59,810
again the individual tells himself the

1598
01:18:59,810 --> 01:19:03,410
same sentence I don't like your behavior

1599
01:19:03,410 --> 01:19:05,690
when let us say somebody's acted badly

1600
01:19:05,690 --> 01:19:08,480
with him and instead of following that

1601
01:19:08,480 --> 01:19:11,300
up with that because I don't like your

1602
01:19:11,300 --> 01:19:14,600
behavior I can still stand it and I'm

1603
01:19:14,600 --> 01:19:16,880
going to try to change to get you to

1604
01:19:16,880 --> 01:19:19,010
change your behavior he says I can't

1605
01:19:19,010 --> 01:19:22,010
stand your behavior or in an absolute

1606
01:19:22,010 --> 01:19:25,670
istic god-like grandiose manner you

1607
01:19:25,670 --> 01:19:28,700
shouldn't be the way you are because I

1608
01:19:28,700 --> 01:19:31,520
think that I don't like the way you are

1609
01:19:31,520 --> 01:19:34,640
now it's the second B sentences which

1610
01:19:34,640 --> 01:19:37,310
upset the individual or another way of

1611
01:19:37,310 --> 01:19:39,500
putting it as epictetus a Roman

1612
01:19:39,500 --> 01:19:41,720
philosopher said many years ago it's not

1613
01:19:41,720 --> 01:19:44,060
what happens to us at point-a that it

1614
01:19:44,060 --> 01:19:48,260
upsets us it's be a view of what happens

1615
01:19:48,260 --> 01:19:50,060
to us and in rational emotive

1616
01:19:50,060 --> 01:19:51,950
psychotherapy we go after this

1617
01:19:51,950 --> 01:19:54,560
individual the patient's view and show

1618
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:57,050
him that whatever he thinks is upset him

1619
01:19:57,050 --> 01:19:59,420
usually some external situation what

1620
01:19:59,420 --> 01:20:01,670
somebody else has done it's really what

1621
01:20:01,670 --> 01:20:04,700
he's telling himself about this thing

1622
01:20:04,700 --> 01:20:07,100
this event which upsets him and although

1623
01:20:07,100 --> 01:20:08,780
he may never be able to do anything

1624
01:20:08,780 --> 01:20:11,850
about the external event at a he can

1625
01:20:11,850 --> 01:20:14,700
change the internal event his sentence

1626
01:20:14,700 --> 01:20:18,210
is belief to himself at D now in

1627
01:20:18,210 --> 01:20:19,890
rational emotive psychotherapy we try to

1628
01:20:19,890 --> 01:20:22,500
show the patient three kinds of insight

1629
01:20:22,500 --> 01:20:24,060
and counted distinctions to some other

1630
01:20:24,060 --> 01:20:26,340
therapies which usually emphasize one

1631
01:20:26,340 --> 01:20:29,190
magic on the first kind we try to show

1632
01:20:29,190 --> 01:20:32,280
him is that all his behaviors especially

1633
01:20:32,280 --> 01:20:34,290
his negative self-defeating behavior

1634
01:20:34,290 --> 01:20:36,300
which we're interested which is

1635
01:20:36,300 --> 01:20:39,920
upsetting him has clear-cut ideological

1636
01:20:39,920 --> 01:20:42,360
antecedents he may have learnt these as

1637
01:20:42,360 --> 01:20:44,820
I said before in the past but right now

1638
01:20:44,820 --> 01:20:47,300
today he must still believe these same

1639
01:20:47,300 --> 01:20:50,400
ideologies else he would not get the

1640
01:20:50,400 --> 01:20:52,830
negative behavior that flows therefrom

1641
01:20:52,830 --> 01:20:56,250
and insight number two which is most

1642
01:20:56,250 --> 01:20:58,620
important than which is unfortunately

1643
01:20:58,620 --> 01:21:00,270
neglected and many other systems of

1644
01:21:00,270 --> 01:21:03,540
psychotherapy is that he being as Ernst

1645
01:21:03,540 --> 01:21:06,530
casera once said a symbolizing animal is

1646
01:21:06,530 --> 01:21:09,620
continually re-induction aiding himself

1647
01:21:09,620 --> 01:21:13,560
with these ideologies and that's the

1648
01:21:13,560 --> 01:21:16,440
issue that's why he's now disturbed now

1649
01:21:16,440 --> 01:21:18,570
in sight number three is that even when

1650
01:21:18,570 --> 01:21:20,400
he sees clearly what he's telling

1651
01:21:20,400 --> 01:21:22,110
himself and that he's telling himself

1652
01:21:22,110 --> 01:21:25,650
nonsense only by work and practice by

1653
01:21:25,650 --> 01:21:28,950
continually reassessing and revaluing

1654
01:21:28,950 --> 01:21:32,820
his own philosophical will he ever get

1655
01:21:32,820 --> 01:21:33,710
better

1656
01:21:33,710 --> 01:21:37,530
now we also stress the fact that action

1657
01:21:37,530 --> 01:21:39,900
is necessary to change an individual

1658
01:21:39,900 --> 01:21:42,330
just talking about things thinking about

1659
01:21:42,330 --> 01:21:44,790
things is nice but not necessary I

1660
01:21:44,790 --> 01:21:46,410
should say it's not a necessary

1661
01:21:46,410 --> 01:21:48,690
condition for psychotherapeutic can

1662
01:21:48,690 --> 01:21:51,000
change the change what the individual

1663
01:21:51,000 --> 01:21:53,820
has to do in addition usually is act and

1664
01:21:53,820 --> 01:21:56,220
we therefore give him concrete homework

1665
01:21:56,220 --> 01:21:59,460
assignments and get him to act these out

1666
01:21:59,460 --> 01:22:01,890
and check up and follow to see whether

1667
01:22:01,890 --> 01:22:04,470
he does these homework assignments and

1668
01:22:04,470 --> 01:22:06,600
our final goal is to get the individual

1669
01:22:06,600 --> 01:22:09,090
to learn and learn for the rest of his

1670
01:22:09,090 --> 01:22:11,940
life to challenge and question his own

1671
01:22:11,940 --> 01:22:15,330
basic value system his own thinking so

1672
01:22:15,330 --> 01:22:16,190
that he

1673
01:22:16,190 --> 01:22:18,500
really thanks for himself he must do

1674
01:22:18,500 --> 01:22:20,390
this particularly when he feels

1675
01:22:20,390 --> 01:22:23,270
miserable he feels anxiety or depression

1676
01:22:23,270 --> 01:22:26,960
or guilt or too much frustration or

1677
01:22:26,960 --> 01:22:28,820
anything else that is negative or when

1678
01:22:28,820 --> 01:22:31,300
he behaves very inefficiently and

1679
01:22:31,300 --> 01:22:35,330
finally he was able through this kind of

1680
01:22:35,330 --> 01:22:37,460
you thinking rethinking his own

1681
01:22:37,460 --> 01:22:39,920
assumptions to apply what we call the

1682
01:22:39,920 --> 01:22:44,060
scientific method to the facets of human

1683
01:22:44,060 --> 01:22:47,510
living and to be truly scientific in his

1684
01:22:47,510 --> 01:22:49,460
behavior to question and challenge his

1685
01:22:49,460 --> 01:22:51,400
own assumptions as we do in science and

1686
01:22:51,400 --> 01:22:54,590
thereby to minimize or never entirely to

1687
01:22:54,590 --> 01:22:58,550
eliminate the terrible anxiety and the

1688
01:22:58,550 --> 01:23:01,300
atrocious hostility which unfortunately

1689
01:23:01,300 --> 01:23:09,920
affects most of us in this existence

1690
01:23:09,920 --> 01:23:12,620
well Gloria I'm not relevant yeah after

1691
01:23:12,620 --> 01:23:17,150
we hit it

1692
01:23:17,150 --> 01:23:19,320
well would you like to tell me what's

1693
01:23:19,320 --> 01:23:25,470
bothering you most yeah I think the

1694
01:23:25,470 --> 01:23:26,730
things that I'd like to talk to you the

1695
01:23:26,730 --> 01:23:28,890
most about are adjusting to my single

1696
01:23:28,890 --> 01:23:36,570
life mostly men I guess America diet I

1697
01:23:36,570 --> 01:23:37,590
don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing

1698
01:23:37,590 --> 01:23:38,670
but I'm going to refer to your book

1699
01:23:38,670 --> 01:23:40,920
anyway because this is what I'm

1700
01:23:40,920 --> 01:23:42,090
impressed with this book about the

1701
01:23:42,090 --> 01:23:43,980
intelligent Woman's Guide to man 9 yeah

1702
01:23:43,980 --> 01:23:47,160
tried to follow it and I believe in it

1703
01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:48,630
this is why it's so fun reading your

1704
01:23:48,630 --> 01:23:49,890
book because I'm not much of a reader

1705
01:23:49,890 --> 01:23:51,930
but I sort of believe the same way you

1706
01:23:51,930 --> 01:23:52,380
do

1707
01:23:52,380 --> 01:23:54,180
but then I've got a problem is there

1708
01:23:54,180 --> 01:23:58,890
healthy men that I do I'm attracted to

1709
01:23:58,890 --> 01:24:00,720
or the type of man I'd like to become

1710
01:24:00,720 --> 01:24:03,420
closely as always I can't seem to meet

1711
01:24:03,420 --> 01:24:05,580
or I get to shower with or something

1712
01:24:05,580 --> 01:24:06,650
that I don't

1713
01:24:06,650 --> 01:24:09,090
it just doesn't click the men I seem to

1714
01:24:09,090 --> 01:24:10,620
be dating nowadays are the ones that I

1715
01:24:10,620 --> 01:24:12,090
don't respect much the ones I don't

1716
01:24:12,090 --> 01:24:13,910
enjoy much the same blip and

1717
01:24:13,910 --> 01:24:16,710
uninteresting and I don't know if it's

1718
01:24:16,710 --> 01:24:18,240
something about me or what because I

1719
01:24:18,240 --> 01:24:19,940
really do want to meet this kind of man

1720
01:24:19,940 --> 01:24:22,080
well let's talk a little about your

1721
01:24:22,080 --> 01:24:24,000
shyness let's suppose you meet somebody

1722
01:24:24,000 --> 01:24:26,940
who you consider eligible but you might

1723
01:24:26,940 --> 01:24:29,250
walk now let's see if we can get at the

1724
01:24:29,250 --> 01:24:31,410
source of your shyness just what you're

1725
01:24:31,410 --> 01:24:33,720
telling yourself to create this you meet

1726
01:24:33,720 --> 01:24:36,530
this man and you feel shy and Bharath

1727
01:24:36,530 --> 01:24:39,090
yes but I don't usually show that I

1728
01:24:39,090 --> 01:24:41,940
usually act slip right back yeah I act

1729
01:24:41,940 --> 01:24:43,500
like the other man act to me of America

1730
01:24:43,500 --> 01:24:44,400
kayak flip

1731
01:24:44,400 --> 01:24:46,830
I don't seem near as intelligent I act

1732
01:24:46,830 --> 01:24:51,240
like a typical dumb blonde I'm just I'm

1733
01:24:51,240 --> 01:24:53,010
just not myself with him I'm more on a

1734
01:24:53,010 --> 01:24:56,280
tease yes well as you probably know from

1735
01:24:56,280 --> 01:24:59,220
x-man hunting I believe that people only

1736
01:24:59,220 --> 01:24:59,940
get

1737
01:24:59,940 --> 01:25:01,860
emotions such as negative emotions of

1738
01:25:01,860 --> 01:25:04,650
shyness embarrassment shame because they

1739
01:25:04,650 --> 01:25:06,630
tell themselves something in simple

1740
01:25:06,630 --> 01:25:08,610
explanatory sentences now let's try to

1741
01:25:08,610 --> 01:25:10,380
find out what you're telling yourself

1742
01:25:10,380 --> 01:25:13,110
you're meeting this individual now what

1743
01:25:13,110 --> 01:25:15,120
do you think your sink is up before you

1744
01:25:15,120 --> 01:25:17,130
get I didn't know what it is that I'm

1745
01:25:17,130 --> 01:25:19,380
not I don't stand up to his expectations

1746
01:25:19,380 --> 01:25:21,360
I'm not quite enough for him he's

1747
01:25:21,360 --> 01:25:23,670
superior to me although I want this type

1748
01:25:23,670 --> 01:25:24,520
of man I'm afraid

1749
01:25:24,520 --> 01:25:26,230
I won't have enough to attract him well

1750
01:25:26,230 --> 01:25:27,640
that's the first part of the sentence

1751
01:25:27,640 --> 01:25:29,350
that might be a true one because maybe

1752
01:25:29,350 --> 01:25:31,960
he could be spirit to you in some ways

1753
01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:33,640
maybe he wouldn't be attracted to you

1754
01:25:33,640 --> 01:25:35,080
but that would never upset you if you

1755
01:25:35,080 --> 01:25:37,480
were only saying that I think he may be

1756
01:25:37,480 --> 01:25:38,980
superior to me now you're adding a

1757
01:25:38,980 --> 01:25:42,010
second sentence to that which is if this

1758
01:25:42,010 --> 01:25:45,160
is so that would be awful

1759
01:25:45,160 --> 01:25:46,750
well not quite so extreme as that

1760
01:25:46,750 --> 01:25:48,100
because I thought about that too it

1761
01:25:48,100 --> 01:25:50,230
usually I've missed my chance again

1762
01:25:50,230 --> 01:25:52,960
because when I want to become I want to

1763
01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:54,460
show the very best of myself because I

1764
01:25:54,460 --> 01:25:56,110
think I have self-confidence and I have

1765
01:25:56,110 --> 01:25:58,210
enough to offer when I get afraid like

1766
01:25:58,210 --> 01:26:00,250
that then I show all the bad qualities i

1767
01:26:00,250 --> 01:26:05,080
ĂŹm flip on then I'm so much on the

1768
01:26:05,080 --> 01:26:06,820
defensive that I can't show my good

1769
01:26:06,820 --> 01:26:08,650
qualities and it's like I miss my chance

1770
01:26:08,650 --> 01:26:10,300
again there was a good opportunity to be

1771
01:26:10,300 --> 01:26:11,830
close to this man and I Loused it up

1772
01:26:11,830 --> 01:26:13,660
again all right but even let's suppose

1773
01:26:13,660 --> 01:26:15,100
you're saying that and I think you're

1774
01:26:15,100 --> 01:26:16,210
really off but you must be saying

1775
01:26:16,210 --> 01:26:17,530
something else too because if you were

1776
01:26:17,530 --> 01:26:19,810
just saying hell I missed my chance

1777
01:26:19,810 --> 01:26:22,990
again you'd say all right next time I'll

1778
01:26:22,990 --> 01:26:24,460
take advantage of what I learned this

1779
01:26:24,460 --> 01:26:26,110
time and do it a little better now you

1780
01:26:26,110 --> 01:26:28,720
still must be saying if you feel shame

1781
01:26:28,720 --> 01:26:30,880
embarrassment shine there's something

1782
01:26:30,880 --> 01:26:34,000
pretty bad about your error in missing

1783
01:26:34,000 --> 01:26:37,480
your chance again I don't know if this

1784
01:26:37,480 --> 01:26:39,010
follows in contact what you're saying

1785
01:26:39,010 --> 01:26:41,800
but the thing I do feel is that I get

1786
01:26:41,800 --> 01:26:43,420
suspicious then am I the type of woman

1787
01:26:43,420 --> 01:26:45,280
that will only appeal to the ones that

1788
01:26:45,280 --> 01:26:47,080
are

1789
01:26:47,080 --> 01:26:49,570
not my type of guy anyway is there

1790
01:26:49,570 --> 01:26:51,460
something wrong with me am I never going

1791
01:26:51,460 --> 01:26:53,560
to find the kind of man I enjoy I always

1792
01:26:53,560 --> 01:26:55,810
seem to get the other one all right now

1793
01:26:55,810 --> 01:26:56,860
you're getting closer to what I'm

1794
01:26:56,860 --> 01:26:57,730
talking about because you're really

1795
01:26:57,730 --> 01:27:01,630
saying if I am this type of woman that

1796
01:27:01,630 --> 01:27:04,120
none of these good eligible males are

1797
01:27:04,120 --> 01:27:06,220
going to appeal to then that would be

1798
01:27:06,220 --> 01:27:08,290
awful I never get what I want and that

1799
01:27:08,290 --> 01:27:10,990
would really be something frightful

1800
01:27:10,990 --> 01:27:13,120
I don't like thinking of myself that way

1801
01:27:13,120 --> 01:27:14,290
I want to put myself on a higher

1802
01:27:14,290 --> 01:27:15,910
standard I don't like to think that I

1803
01:27:15,910 --> 01:27:18,310
may be just an average Jane Doe so let's

1804
01:27:18,310 --> 01:27:20,350
just suppose for the second argument at

1805
01:27:20,350 --> 01:27:22,360
the moment that that were sir that you

1806
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,640
were an average Jane Doe now would that

1807
01:27:24,640 --> 01:27:27,940
be so terrible would be inconvenient it

1808
01:27:27,940 --> 01:27:29,740
would be unpleasant you wouldn't want it

1809
01:27:29,740 --> 01:27:32,620
but would you get an emotion like

1810
01:27:32,620 --> 01:27:35,470
shyness embarrassment shame out of just

1811
01:27:35,470 --> 01:27:38,020
believing that maybe I'm going to end up

1812
01:27:38,020 --> 01:27:41,560
like Jane Doe I don't know I don't think

1813
01:27:41,560 --> 01:27:42,970
it could because you still would have to

1814
01:27:42,970 --> 01:27:44,890
be saying on some level as I think

1815
01:27:44,890 --> 01:27:47,170
you've just said and it would be very

1816
01:27:47,170 --> 01:27:49,660
bad it would be terrible I would be a

1817
01:27:49,660 --> 01:27:52,270
no-goodnik if I would just watch it I

1818
01:27:52,270 --> 01:27:54,700
don't never get what I want if I were

1819
01:27:54,700 --> 01:27:56,110
just a Jane Doe and I thought I have to

1820
01:27:56,110 --> 01:27:57,730
accept it I'd never get what I want and

1821
01:27:57,730 --> 01:27:58,750
I don't want to live the rest of my life

1822
01:27:58,750 --> 01:28:01,050
with just kicking in well why not

1823
01:28:01,050 --> 01:28:03,070
necessarily so you've never you really

1824
01:28:03,070 --> 01:28:04,330
mean your chances would be reduced

1825
01:28:04,330 --> 01:28:06,940
because we know some icky girls who get

1826
01:28:06,940 --> 01:28:09,820
some splendid men don't yeah if they say

1827
01:28:09,820 --> 01:28:11,260
you're generalizing there you're saying

1828
01:28:11,260 --> 01:28:14,110
it probably would be that I'd have a

1829
01:28:14,110 --> 01:28:15,820
more difficult time but then you're

1830
01:28:15,820 --> 01:28:18,220
jumping to therefore I'd never get at

1831
01:28:18,220 --> 01:28:20,320
all you ain't a catastrophizing there

1832
01:28:20,320 --> 01:28:22,330
that you jump to yes but it feels that

1833
01:28:22,330 --> 01:28:23,710
way to me at the time it seems like

1834
01:28:23,710 --> 01:28:26,020
forever that's right but isn't that a

1835
01:28:26,020 --> 01:28:28,270
vote of non-confidence in you an

1836
01:28:28,270 --> 01:28:30,940
essential vote of non-confidence and the

1837
01:28:30,940 --> 01:28:32,950
non-confidence is because you're saying

1838
01:28:32,950 --> 01:28:35,020
one I don't want to miss out on I think

1839
01:28:35,020 --> 01:28:36,700
I would like to get the kind of a man I

1840
01:28:36,700 --> 01:28:40,600
want and be a in your word superior kind

1841
01:28:40,600 --> 01:28:42,430
of girl who gets a superior kind of man

1842
01:28:42,430 --> 01:28:46,840
yes but if I don't then I'm practically

1843
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:48,880
on the other side of the chain

1844
01:28:48,880 --> 01:28:51,400
completely a no-goodnik somebody will

1845
01:28:51,400 --> 01:28:52,370
never

1846
01:28:52,370 --> 01:28:54,050
anything that I want which is quite an

1847
01:28:54,050 --> 01:28:58,220
extreme away isn't it yes and that's

1848
01:28:58,220 --> 01:28:59,990
what I call catastrophizing taking a

1849
01:28:59,990 --> 01:29:01,670
true statement and there is a good deal

1850
01:29:01,670 --> 01:29:03,890
truth what you're saying if you didn't

1851
01:29:03,890 --> 01:29:05,390
get the kind of a man you watch it that

1852
01:29:05,390 --> 01:29:07,250
it would be inconvenient annoying

1853
01:29:07,250 --> 01:29:09,680
frustrating which it really would be and

1854
01:29:09,680 --> 01:29:12,020
then saying I'd never possibly get what

1855
01:29:12,020 --> 01:29:13,940
I want and even beyond that you're

1856
01:29:13,940 --> 01:29:15,290
really saying and then I couldn't be a

1857
01:29:15,290 --> 01:29:16,790
happy human being aren't you really

1858
01:29:16,790 --> 01:29:19,130
saying that but let's just look at that

1859
01:29:19,130 --> 01:29:20,540
let's just assume the worst the

1860
01:29:20,540 --> 01:29:22,300
spiritual Russell once said years ago

1861
01:29:22,300 --> 01:29:24,860
assume the worst that you never got at

1862
01:29:24,860 --> 01:29:26,600
all for whatever the reasons may be the

1863
01:29:26,600 --> 01:29:28,520
kind of a man you want look at all the

1864
01:29:28,520 --> 01:29:29,900
other things you could do in life to be

1865
01:29:29,900 --> 01:29:34,250
happy well I don't like the whole

1866
01:29:34,250 --> 01:29:35,780
process I don't even like if I'm going

1867
01:29:35,780 --> 01:29:39,050
through it I don't all right even if it

1868
01:29:39,050 --> 01:29:40,880
wasn't a catastrophe yeah even if I

1869
01:29:40,880 --> 01:29:42,380
didn't look at it as a catastrophe I

1870
01:29:42,380 --> 01:29:43,820
don't like the way I'm living right now

1871
01:29:43,820 --> 01:29:46,070
for example when I meet somebody that

1872
01:29:46,070 --> 01:29:47,210
I'm interested in that could have some

1873
01:29:47,210 --> 01:29:49,580
potential by the way I find I'm not near

1874
01:29:49,580 --> 01:29:52,220
as relaxed with him I worry more should

1875
01:29:52,220 --> 01:29:53,270
I be friendly should I kiss him

1876
01:29:53,270 --> 01:29:54,920
goodnight should I do this if it's just

1877
01:29:54,920 --> 01:29:56,480
a Joe doe and I don't give it on I can

1878
01:29:56,480 --> 01:29:58,520
be anything I want to be I turn out to

1879
01:29:58,520 --> 01:30:00,260
be more of a person when I'm not as

1880
01:30:00,260 --> 01:30:02,540
concerned I don't like the way I'm up

1881
01:30:02,540 --> 01:30:05,060
well I would you're not you're not

1882
01:30:05,060 --> 01:30:06,710
really concerned you're over concerned

1883
01:30:06,710 --> 01:30:08,120
you're anxious because you were just

1884
01:30:08,120 --> 01:30:09,680
concerned you do your best you'd be

1885
01:30:09,680 --> 01:30:10,370
saying yourself

1886
01:30:10,370 --> 01:30:13,160
if I succeed great if I don't succeed

1887
01:30:13,160 --> 01:30:15,530
top right now I won't get what I want

1888
01:30:15,530 --> 01:30:17,660
but you're over consider actions you're

1889
01:30:17,660 --> 01:30:19,730
really saying again that's what you said

1890
01:30:19,730 --> 01:30:21,560
a moment ago if I don't get what I want

1891
01:30:21,560 --> 01:30:23,780
right now I'll never get it and that

1892
01:30:23,780 --> 01:30:25,700
would be so awful that I've got to get

1893
01:30:25,700 --> 01:30:27,320
it right now that causes the anxiety

1894
01:30:27,320 --> 01:30:29,900
doesn't it yes or else work toward it

1895
01:30:29,900 --> 01:30:32,210
yes but if I don't get it right now

1896
01:30:32,210 --> 01:30:33,290
that's alright but I want to feel like

1897
01:30:33,290 --> 01:30:35,660
I'm working toward it yes that you want

1898
01:30:35,660 --> 01:30:37,850
a guarantee I hear my trained ears hear

1899
01:30:37,850 --> 01:30:39,560
you saying I would like a guarantee of

1900
01:30:39,560 --> 01:30:42,170
working towards there are none sir well

1901
01:30:42,170 --> 01:30:43,610
no dr. house

1902
01:30:43,610 --> 01:30:44,900
I don't know why I'm coming out that way

1903
01:30:44,900 --> 01:30:47,000
what I really mean is I want a step

1904
01:30:47,000 --> 01:30:48,320
toward working toward it

1905
01:30:48,320 --> 01:30:51,320
well I bother you I don't know I thought

1906
01:30:51,320 --> 01:30:53,840
well what I was hoping is whatever this

1907
01:30:53,840 --> 01:30:55,700
isn't me why I don't seem to be

1908
01:30:55,700 --> 01:30:57,320
attracting these coming and why seem on

1909
01:30:57,320 --> 01:31:00,860
the defensive why I seem more afraid you

1910
01:31:00,860 --> 01:31:02,480
could help me when it is I'm afraid of

1911
01:31:02,480 --> 01:31:04,160
so I won't do it so much well my

1912
01:31:04,160 --> 01:31:06,170
hypothesis is so far that what you're

1913
01:31:06,170 --> 01:31:09,350
afraid of is not just family with this

1914
01:31:09,350 --> 01:31:11,150
individual man which is really the only

1915
01:31:11,150 --> 01:31:12,770
thing at issue when you go out with a

1916
01:31:12,770 --> 01:31:14,450
new and we're talking about eligible

1917
01:31:14,450 --> 01:31:16,820
males I will rule out the ineligible one

1918
01:31:16,820 --> 01:31:19,100
you're not just afraid that you'll miss

1919
01:31:19,100 --> 01:31:19,940
this one

1920
01:31:19,940 --> 01:31:22,250
you're afraid that you'll miss this one

1921
01:31:22,250 --> 01:31:24,440
and therefore you miss every other and

1922
01:31:24,440 --> 01:31:26,780
therefore you prove that you are really

1923
01:31:26,780 --> 01:31:28,940
not up to getting what you want and

1924
01:31:28,940 --> 01:31:32,000
wouldn't that be awful you're bringing

1925
01:31:32,000 --> 01:31:34,280
in these catastrophe you sound more

1926
01:31:34,280 --> 01:31:36,320
strong in it but that's similar I feel

1927
01:31:36,320 --> 01:31:38,660
like this is Cecilia if I keep this up

1928
01:31:38,660 --> 01:31:40,730
because I think I'm doing there's

1929
01:31:40,730 --> 01:31:42,020
something I'm doing that to be as real a

1930
01:31:42,020 --> 01:31:43,100
person with these men that I'm

1931
01:31:43,100 --> 01:31:44,780
interested as write your defeating your

1932
01:31:44,780 --> 01:31:46,850
own ends but I've done it again if I

1933
01:31:46,850 --> 01:31:48,470
weren't so doggone anxious about trying

1934
01:31:48,470 --> 01:31:50,090
to hook this guy I could be more real

1935
01:31:50,090 --> 01:31:51,800
he's going to enjoy me more if I'm real

1936
01:31:51,800 --> 01:31:54,170
anyway so I'm only giving him the stinky

1937
01:31:54,170 --> 01:31:55,970
part of me right how can anybody I

1938
01:31:55,970 --> 01:31:57,830
respect respect it's a church and that's

1939
01:31:57,830 --> 01:31:59,120
what I am when I don't really come

1940
01:31:59,120 --> 01:32:01,400
through but look how you just devalued

1941
01:32:01,400 --> 01:32:02,840
yourself let's just suppose in sake of

1942
01:32:02,840 --> 01:32:04,880
argument you kept giving the stinky part

1943
01:32:04,880 --> 01:32:07,400
of you a human being another person

1944
01:32:07,400 --> 01:32:08,870
who's trying to get interest in you

1945
01:32:08,870 --> 01:32:11,750
might not like these attributes these

1946
01:32:11,750 --> 01:32:13,730
characteristics of you but I don't think

1947
01:32:13,730 --> 01:32:16,640
he's going to despise you as a person

1948
01:32:16,640 --> 01:32:18,830
who's you are really doing I don't I'm

1949
01:32:18,830 --> 01:32:20,240
writer on myself and I think that's

1950
01:32:20,240 --> 01:32:22,160
exactly of course like me there's not

1951
01:32:22,160 --> 01:32:24,470
enough to me right and I say before if

1952
01:32:24,470 --> 01:32:26,210
people just didn't like you when you

1953
01:32:26,210 --> 01:32:27,770
went through enough of lemon it would be

1954
01:32:27,770 --> 01:32:29,150
hard to go through enough that it would

1955
01:32:29,150 --> 01:32:31,310
be possible you'd eventually find one

1956
01:32:31,310 --> 01:32:33,080
who did like you and whom you like but

1957
01:32:33,080 --> 01:32:34,400
as long as you devalue yourself

1958
01:32:34,400 --> 01:32:36,640
personally in your own eyes you

1959
01:32:36,640 --> 01:32:38,960
complicate the problem enormous ly and

1960
01:32:38,960 --> 01:32:41,240
you're not focusing on how can I be

1961
01:32:41,240 --> 01:32:42,230
myself

1962
01:32:42,230 --> 01:32:44,470
change the traits if you for example

1963
01:32:44,470 --> 01:32:48,590
Hedy let us just say a mangled arm and

1964
01:32:48,590 --> 01:32:51,210
you wouldn't accept your whole person

1965
01:32:51,210 --> 01:32:54,240
being because of this mangled arm then

1966
01:32:54,240 --> 01:32:56,070
you would focus so much on that mangled

1967
01:32:56,070 --> 01:32:57,330
arm that you wouldn't be able to do

1968
01:32:57,330 --> 01:32:58,770
things that you wouldn't otherwise be

1969
01:32:58,770 --> 01:33:01,110
able to do it's almost what I did yes

1970
01:33:01,110 --> 01:33:03,210
yes you say that's exactly so you taking

1971
01:33:03,210 --> 01:33:06,240
a part of you an arm and focusing almost

1972
01:33:06,240 --> 01:33:08,370
completely on that in just to bring it

1973
01:33:08,370 --> 01:33:11,040
down to our own conversation taking a

1974
01:33:11,040 --> 01:33:13,650
part of you your shyness you're not

1975
01:33:13,650 --> 01:33:15,420
being yourself with males and focusing

1976
01:33:15,420 --> 01:33:17,340
so much on that part that you're almost

1977
01:33:17,340 --> 01:33:19,680
making not at the whole of you and you

1978
01:33:19,680 --> 01:33:22,320
get an awful picture of your total self

1979
01:33:22,320 --> 01:33:24,570
because of this defective part and we're

1980
01:33:24,570 --> 01:33:26,460
assuming you and I didn't is effective

1981
01:33:26,460 --> 01:33:27,900
we're not glossing opens they know

1982
01:33:27,900 --> 01:33:29,670
you're doing alright you're not doing

1983
01:33:29,670 --> 01:33:31,920
that well right now you can accept

1984
01:33:31,920 --> 01:33:34,800
yourself for the time being with this

1985
01:33:34,800 --> 01:33:37,290
defective part with these attributes and

1986
01:33:37,290 --> 01:33:39,390
not beat yourself over the head as I see

1987
01:33:39,390 --> 01:33:41,430
of you definitely in doing then it

1988
01:33:41,430 --> 01:33:43,560
becomes a relatively simple problem to

1989
01:33:43,560 --> 01:33:46,010
work and practice to work and practice

1990
01:33:46,010 --> 01:33:49,020
against this negative attribute in other

1991
01:33:49,020 --> 01:33:50,940
words let's get back to that now how to

1992
01:33:50,940 --> 01:33:52,950
be yourself let's just suppose for the

1993
01:33:52,950 --> 01:33:54,270
moment that you really were fully

1994
01:33:54,270 --> 01:33:56,010
accepting yourself with your failings

1995
01:33:56,010 --> 01:33:57,990
alright you know you're going to go how

1996
01:33:57,990 --> 01:33:59,790
you know you're gonna screw up with the

1997
01:33:59,790 --> 01:34:01,920
next man man after that an old

1998
01:34:01,920 --> 01:34:03,330
probability but you're saying alright I

1999
01:34:03,330 --> 01:34:04,740
have to go through a learning process

2000
01:34:04,740 --> 01:34:06,810
that's too bad I won't be very good

2001
01:34:06,810 --> 01:34:09,330
during this while but I'll do it just as

2002
01:34:09,330 --> 01:34:11,070
I would add ice skating where I have to

2003
01:34:11,070 --> 01:34:13,230
fall on my neck for a few times before I

2004
01:34:13,230 --> 01:34:15,060
learned to ice skate okay now let's

2005
01:34:15,060 --> 01:34:17,370
suppose that man if that was so you were

2006
01:34:17,370 --> 01:34:20,400
really accepting you you go out take the

2007
01:34:20,400 --> 01:34:23,040
risks of being you because after all if

2008
01:34:23,040 --> 01:34:25,080
you do in one of these then you have to

2009
01:34:25,080 --> 01:34:27,090
be yourself you're not winning them for

2010
01:34:27,090 --> 01:34:28,680
a day you're not winning them for a fair

2011
01:34:28,680 --> 01:34:30,660
I assume you want to marry one of these

2012
01:34:30,660 --> 01:34:33,380
individuals eventually and be

2013
01:34:33,380 --> 01:34:35,370
relationship I don't think so yeah he

2014
01:34:35,370 --> 01:34:36,480
reaches along alright a long

2015
01:34:36,480 --> 01:34:38,040
relationship in the course of which you

2016
01:34:38,040 --> 01:34:39,690
couldn't ask so we don't want to give

2017
01:34:39,690 --> 01:34:41,910
you something I think well that he'll

2018
01:34:41,910 --> 01:34:43,860
later find that was a role playing good

2019
01:34:43,860 --> 01:34:45,750
thing so you have to eventually be

2020
01:34:45,750 --> 01:34:48,690
yourself now if you really weren't so

2021
01:34:48,690 --> 01:34:51,450
disturbed about these present current

2022
01:34:51,450 --> 01:34:53,760
failings views you could go out and be

2023
01:34:53,760 --> 01:34:56,460
this self of yours ask yourself what do

2024
01:34:56,460 --> 01:34:58,390
I really want to do with

2025
01:34:58,390 --> 01:35:01,390
man to help and join him and have him

2026
01:35:01,390 --> 01:35:03,100
help and join me because that's the

2027
01:35:03,100 --> 01:35:05,380
basic function of life enjoyment which

2028
01:35:05,380 --> 01:35:08,290
we can't lose and you force yourself to

2029
01:35:08,290 --> 01:35:10,990
take the risk of being back because if

2030
01:35:10,990 --> 01:35:12,820
you succeeded great

2031
01:35:12,820 --> 01:35:15,640
if you fail too bad either you not for

2032
01:35:15,640 --> 01:35:17,380
him or he may even not be for you

2033
01:35:17,380 --> 01:35:19,030
because don't forget you said before

2034
01:35:19,030 --> 01:35:20,800
when these men are projecting you assume

2035
01:35:20,800 --> 01:35:23,170
right away it must be my doing a my

2036
01:35:23,170 --> 01:35:25,630
fault you know they may not be your cup

2037
01:35:25,630 --> 01:35:27,820
of tea and you may not be their cup of

2038
01:35:27,820 --> 01:35:30,430
tea and it's nobody's fault it's just

2039
01:35:30,430 --> 01:35:32,710
true incompatible with it yes you say

2040
01:35:32,710 --> 01:35:35,350
yes so if you would really accept

2041
01:35:35,350 --> 01:35:37,540
yourself as you are and then force

2042
01:35:37,540 --> 01:35:39,580
yourself as if you were one of my

2043
01:35:39,580 --> 01:35:41,140
regular patients I would give you this

2044
01:35:41,140 --> 01:35:43,330
homework assignments and then check up

2045
01:35:43,330 --> 01:35:45,070
on you to see whether you can force

2046
01:35:45,070 --> 01:35:47,770
yourself to open your big mouth and be

2047
01:35:47,770 --> 01:35:51,250
you for a while even though it hurt with

2048
01:35:51,250 --> 01:35:54,400
these nails you would find the a you

2049
01:35:54,400 --> 01:35:56,830
would start being yourself and gradually

2050
01:35:56,830 --> 01:35:58,780
laughing off these inefficiencies which

2051
01:35:58,780 --> 01:36:00,970
incidentally are the result of not being

2052
01:36:00,970 --> 01:36:03,070
you but watching yourself from the

2053
01:36:03,070 --> 01:36:05,620
outside while you trying to be you which

2054
01:36:05,620 --> 01:36:07,330
is almost impossible because you can't

2055
01:36:07,330 --> 01:36:09,820
spy on yourself and still be yourself

2056
01:36:09,820 --> 01:36:12,460
very well at the same time no but it

2057
01:36:12,460 --> 01:36:14,920
would become like a habit after a while

2058
01:36:14,920 --> 01:36:17,260
if you took the risks and force yourself

2059
01:36:17,260 --> 01:36:20,080
to as I said open your big mouth and

2060
01:36:20,080 --> 01:36:22,270
even though you thought maybe it'll come

2061
01:36:22,270 --> 01:36:24,610
out badly maybe he won't like me maybe

2062
01:36:24,610 --> 01:36:26,860
I'll lose him complete me and so on and

2063
01:36:26,860 --> 01:36:30,490
so forth then you start swinging in the

2064
01:36:30,490 --> 01:36:33,550
groove and being what you want to be and

2065
01:36:33,550 --> 01:36:35,500
I would almost guarantee that you'd

2066
01:36:35,500 --> 01:36:37,450
become more practice than less

2067
01:36:37,450 --> 01:36:39,520
inefficient especially in terms of the

2068
01:36:39,520 --> 01:36:41,680
shyness because you wouldn't be focusing

2069
01:36:41,680 --> 01:36:43,330
on oh my god isn't this awful how bad I

2070
01:36:43,330 --> 01:36:46,360
am you would be focusing on what a place

2071
01:36:46,360 --> 01:36:49,420
individual this is and how can I enjoy

2072
01:36:49,420 --> 01:36:52,900
him which is the oh the focus well you

2073
01:36:52,900 --> 01:36:54,059
see my relationship

2074
01:36:54,059 --> 01:36:56,070
other way how can I be more attractive

2075
01:36:56,070 --> 01:36:57,989
to him and how can he be pleased by me

2076
01:36:57,989 --> 01:37:01,469
because underneath if I am NOT then I

2077
01:37:01,469 --> 01:37:04,260
cannot enjoy myself I refuse to accept

2078
01:37:04,260 --> 01:37:07,980
myself unless I attract and win this

2079
01:37:07,980 --> 01:37:09,750
good individual isn't that what you

2080
01:37:09,750 --> 01:37:11,639
basically yes and I even go further dr.

2081
01:37:11,639 --> 01:37:14,070
must win when there is one of these men

2082
01:37:14,070 --> 01:37:17,190
I come in contact with and I find that I

2083
01:37:17,190 --> 01:37:18,300
want it called a bit more of a

2084
01:37:18,300 --> 01:37:20,070
relationship well if he accepts me I'm

2085
01:37:20,070 --> 01:37:21,900
going along pretty great I find myself

2086
01:37:21,900 --> 01:37:24,449
constantly on the defensive honestly

2087
01:37:24,449 --> 01:37:26,219
watching the way I see it not drinking

2088
01:37:26,219 --> 01:37:27,900
too much the whole time instead of just

2089
01:37:27,900 --> 01:37:29,520
relaxing a single eater like Mary

2090
01:37:29,520 --> 01:37:31,409
doesn't supposed in psychotherapy you're

2091
01:37:31,409 --> 01:37:32,909
giving a very good illustration of why

2092
01:37:32,909 --> 01:37:36,030
other directors this is business other

2093
01:37:36,030 --> 01:37:38,159
directors it doesn't pay because if you

2094
01:37:38,159 --> 01:37:40,889
really are defining yourself in terms of

2095
01:37:40,889 --> 01:37:42,809
others estimation of you then even when

2096
01:37:42,809 --> 01:37:43,829
you're ahead of the game and you're

2097
01:37:43,829 --> 01:37:45,420
winning them you have to be saved

2098
01:37:45,420 --> 01:37:46,889
yourself will I win them today will I

2099
01:37:46,889 --> 01:37:48,420
win them tomorrow will I keep winning

2100
01:37:48,420 --> 01:37:50,639
them and you're always focused on am i

2101
01:37:50,639 --> 01:37:53,099
doing the thing to please him and you

2102
01:37:53,099 --> 01:37:55,739
never are yourself you never have itself

2103
01:37:55,739 --> 01:37:58,559
while if you're saying what do I want to

2104
01:37:58,559 --> 01:38:00,780
do in life there must be some human

2105
01:38:00,780 --> 01:38:03,329
beings who would like me the way I am

2106
01:38:03,329 --> 01:38:05,849
let's see if this is one of those human

2107
01:38:05,849 --> 01:38:08,639
beings then that's the only way isn't it

2108
01:38:08,639 --> 01:38:11,070
that you can be you see you know we

2109
01:38:11,070 --> 01:38:12,809
haven't got too much car now so let's

2110
01:38:12,809 --> 01:38:15,389
try to get it off on a constructive

2111
01:38:15,389 --> 01:38:17,280
notice more concretely what you can do

2112
01:38:17,280 --> 01:38:19,710
you asked before where you can go how

2113
01:38:19,710 --> 01:38:22,650
you can meet new people I'd say that I

2114
01:38:22,650 --> 01:38:24,630
don't know this particular area but it's

2115
01:38:24,630 --> 01:38:27,360
almost any place if you could do what we

2116
01:38:27,360 --> 01:38:29,219
are talking about really take risks and

2117
01:38:29,219 --> 01:38:31,460
focus on what you want out of life and

2118
01:38:31,460 --> 01:38:34,079
on the fact that it's going to take time

2119
01:38:34,079 --> 01:38:36,179
which unfortunately it does and then

2120
01:38:36,179 --> 01:38:38,099
it's not awful and you are not awful

2121
01:38:38,099 --> 01:38:40,619
while it's taking that time then you can

2122
01:38:40,619 --> 01:38:43,559
leave yourself open unsure lead to all

2123
01:38:43,559 --> 01:38:45,869
kinds of new and counselors and these

2124
01:38:45,869 --> 01:38:48,989
encounters can take place on buses while

2125
01:38:48,989 --> 01:38:50,820
waiting for a streetcar

2126
01:38:50,820 --> 01:38:52,770
they have streetcars in this area at

2127
01:38:52,770 --> 01:38:55,469
cocktail parties anywhere you can talk

2128
01:38:55,469 --> 01:38:58,230
to people who look eligible you can ask

2129
01:38:58,230 --> 01:39:00,329
your friends to get you eligible but

2130
01:39:00,329 --> 01:39:01,470
males

2131
01:39:01,470 --> 01:39:04,020
but the main thing is that you have to

2132
01:39:04,020 --> 01:39:07,740
pay like yourself while you're not doing

2133
01:39:07,740 --> 01:39:12,240
badly and be not be intolerance against

2134
01:39:12,240 --> 01:39:14,760
conditions which are bad and I'm

2135
01:39:14,760 --> 01:39:17,220
agreeing with you that they are now as I

2136
01:39:17,220 --> 01:39:18,720
said I would give you if your aphasia

2137
01:39:18,720 --> 01:39:20,480
mind the homework assignment of

2138
01:39:20,480 --> 01:39:23,820
deliberately very deliberately going out

2139
01:39:23,820 --> 01:39:25,740
and getting yourself into trouble in

2140
01:39:25,740 --> 01:39:27,810
other words taking the most eligible

2141
01:39:27,810 --> 01:39:30,620
males you can find at the moment and

2142
01:39:30,620 --> 01:39:33,690
forcing yourself risking yourself to be

2143
01:39:33,690 --> 01:39:36,630
you are you saying even if it were like

2144
01:39:36,630 --> 01:39:38,430
if I went into a doctor's office to

2145
01:39:38,430 --> 01:39:40,110
start a conversation with him because he

2146
01:39:40,110 --> 01:39:42,330
was attractive to me or he appealed to

2147
01:39:42,330 --> 01:39:44,310
me right if I go so far as to starting

2148
01:39:44,310 --> 01:39:45,720
out a conversation with him personally

2149
01:39:45,720 --> 01:39:49,230
and why not it is an eligible individual

2150
01:39:49,230 --> 01:39:51,240
any kind of an eligible individual I

2151
01:39:51,240 --> 01:39:52,830
know you accept that but that seems

2152
01:39:52,830 --> 01:39:55,590
awfully brazen I symbol X suppose it is

2153
01:39:55,590 --> 01:39:57,120
brazen what have you got to lose the

2154
01:39:57,120 --> 01:39:59,130
worst he can do is reject you and you

2155
01:39:59,130 --> 01:40:01,560
don't have to reject you if you were

2156
01:40:01,560 --> 01:40:03,030
thinking along the lines that we've been

2157
01:40:03,030 --> 01:40:06,480
25 minutes a second so yeah now can you

2158
01:40:06,480 --> 01:40:09,960
try to do that I think I think so in

2159
01:40:09,960 --> 01:40:11,880
order to give me a spurt to go out and

2160
01:40:11,880 --> 01:40:13,650
see you're right that's all I can do is

2161
01:40:13,650 --> 01:40:16,680
be rejected right and that needs you

2162
01:40:16,680 --> 01:40:19,710
intact it just leaves you unfortunately

2163
01:40:19,710 --> 01:40:21,500
not for the moment getting what you want

2164
01:40:21,500 --> 01:40:24,300
so you try to go anywhere in red and

2165
01:40:24,300 --> 01:40:26,730
I'll be very interested in finding out

2166
01:40:26,730 --> 01:40:29,250
what happened oh I'm excited and father

2167
01:40:29,250 --> 01:40:31,260
well it was certainly very nice meeting

2168
01:40:31,260 --> 01:40:35,750
you for thank you doctor

2169
01:40:35,750 --> 01:40:40,640
I enjoyed talking with this interesting

2170
01:40:40,640 --> 01:40:43,310
and I think highly courageous patient

2171
01:40:43,310 --> 01:40:46,550
and thought that it gave a the session

2172
01:40:46,550 --> 01:40:48,590
gave a pretty good illustration of a

2173
01:40:48,590 --> 01:40:50,420
fairly typical session of rational

2174
01:40:50,420 --> 01:40:53,300
emotive psychotherapy how was it typical

2175
01:40:53,300 --> 01:40:57,230
in several ways in the first place I was

2176
01:40:57,230 --> 01:41:01,280
able rather rapidly and quickly to get

2177
01:41:01,280 --> 01:41:02,660
to some of what I think are the

2178
01:41:02,660 --> 01:41:04,670
philosophic cores of the patient's

2179
01:41:04,670 --> 01:41:07,400
disturbances to show her that the reason

2180
01:41:07,400 --> 01:41:11,900
she is feeling shy and the shame frayed

2181
01:41:11,900 --> 01:41:15,560
in this instance is because even though

2182
01:41:15,560 --> 01:41:18,530
partially unwittingly she is defining

2183
01:41:18,530 --> 01:41:20,860
herself in a very negative way or

2184
01:41:20,860 --> 01:41:23,690
devaluing herself by blaming herself too

2185
01:41:23,690 --> 01:41:26,740
much for imperfect behavior because

2186
01:41:26,740 --> 01:41:29,390
perfectionism is the root of most human

2187
01:41:29,390 --> 01:41:31,910
evils and she was showing some fairly

2188
01:41:31,910 --> 01:41:35,120
typical perfectionistic notions so very

2189
01:41:35,120 --> 01:41:37,010
quickly as is usually done in rational

2190
01:41:37,010 --> 01:41:39,620
emotive psychotherapy we skip some of

2191
01:41:39,620 --> 01:41:42,110
the asides we skip going back into the

2192
01:41:42,110 --> 01:41:43,970
history of some of the psycho analysts

2193
01:41:43,970 --> 01:41:47,420
do and we skip some of the transference

2194
01:41:47,420 --> 01:41:50,630
relations between us and the patient and

2195
01:41:50,630 --> 01:41:53,930
we skip some of the nonverbal expression

2196
01:41:53,930 --> 01:41:55,970
not that we think these things are quite

2197
01:41:55,970 --> 01:41:57,650
unimportant that we think there are

2198
01:41:57,650 --> 01:42:00,410
relatively little relevance to the basic

2199
01:42:00,410 --> 01:42:02,390
core of the patient's disturbance which

2200
01:42:02,390 --> 01:42:05,120
is her philosophy of life typically

2201
01:42:05,120 --> 01:42:07,550
again this patient showed both anxiety

2202
01:42:07,550 --> 01:42:10,850
and low frustration tolerance which most

2203
01:42:10,850 --> 01:42:12,560
patients showed and these were

2204
01:42:12,560 --> 01:42:16,550
intertwined and again very usually she

2205
01:42:16,550 --> 01:42:18,650
was then beating herself over the head

2206
01:42:18,650 --> 01:42:20,570
blaming herself condemning herself for

2207
01:42:20,570 --> 01:42:25,220
feeling these kinds of feelings now she

2208
01:42:25,220 --> 01:42:27,440
did not see very clearly at least I

2209
01:42:27,440 --> 01:42:28,430
thought so at the beginning of the

2210
01:42:28,430 --> 01:42:31,490
session exactly what the claritin

2211
01:42:31,490 --> 01:42:33,530
sentences and exclamatory sentences she

2212
01:42:33,530 --> 01:42:35,780
was telling herself to create these

2213
01:42:35,780 --> 01:42:37,960
feelings and I endeavoured to show her

2214
01:42:37,960 --> 01:42:40,820
some of these sentences and what could

2215
01:42:40,820 --> 01:42:42,920
be done about it

2216
01:42:42,920 --> 01:42:44,810
among other things I also though briefly

2217
01:42:44,810 --> 01:42:47,060
because this is just one brief session

2218
01:42:47,060 --> 01:42:49,310
tried to give her a homework assignment

2219
01:42:49,310 --> 01:42:51,380
that you could go and get her teeth into

2220
01:42:51,380 --> 01:42:54,949
and actively try to do 2d propagandize

2221
01:42:54,949 --> 01:42:57,560
herself by going out and taking risks

2222
01:42:57,560 --> 01:42:59,510
which normally up to now she hadn't been

2223
01:42:59,510 --> 01:43:02,360
taking that much of it's interesting to

2224
01:43:02,360 --> 01:43:03,949
note that again quite typically in this

2225
01:43:03,949 --> 01:43:06,050
session although I was attacking fairly

2226
01:43:06,050 --> 01:43:07,910
vigorously the patient's attitudes or

2227
01:43:07,910 --> 01:43:10,850
philosophies she did not feel an attack

2228
01:43:10,850 --> 01:43:13,310
on her she felt that I was supporting

2229
01:43:13,310 --> 01:43:16,100
her anything and she ended up I thought

2230
01:43:16,100 --> 01:43:18,020
rather optimistically feeling that I had

2231
01:43:18,020 --> 01:43:20,239
given her several ideas of what she

2232
01:43:20,239 --> 01:43:23,090
could do in the future again rather

2233
01:43:23,090 --> 01:43:25,750
typically in this session I kept

2234
01:43:25,750 --> 01:43:28,790
persuading the patients and attacking

2235
01:43:28,790 --> 01:43:31,280
her ideas and showing her that her

2236
01:43:31,280 --> 01:43:34,670
philosophy of life not only was such and

2237
01:43:34,670 --> 01:43:36,860
such but that if she stuck to this kind

2238
01:43:36,860 --> 01:43:38,600
of philosophy she had to get negative

2239
01:43:38,600 --> 01:43:41,660
and self-defeating results from it and

2240
01:43:41,660 --> 01:43:45,920
then I kept persistently going on even

2241
01:43:45,920 --> 01:43:48,140
though a time she became defensive and

2242
01:43:48,140 --> 01:43:50,330
wasn't quite accepting by any means what

2243
01:43:50,330 --> 01:43:51,650
I was saying

2244
01:43:51,650 --> 01:43:54,830
I didn't let this bother me but kept

2245
01:43:54,830 --> 01:43:58,340
going on against her basic core system

2246
01:43:58,340 --> 01:44:00,770
her value system because this is again

2247
01:44:00,770 --> 01:44:03,020
what bothers patients that they give up

2248
01:44:03,020 --> 01:44:05,300
very easily on attacking their own

2249
01:44:05,300 --> 01:44:07,250
negative evaluations of themselves and

2250
01:44:07,250 --> 01:44:10,219
therefore they persist forever now the

2251
01:44:10,219 --> 01:44:11,989
world limitations of course especially

2252
01:44:11,989 --> 01:44:14,929
in terms of time through the session and

2253
01:44:14,929 --> 01:44:17,600
these limitations did have some effect

2254
01:44:17,600 --> 01:44:19,790
for example it wasn't a not enough time

2255
01:44:19,790 --> 01:44:21,860
for repetition in several sessions I

2256
01:44:21,860 --> 01:44:23,840
would have gone over much of the same

2257
01:44:23,840 --> 01:44:25,730
material until I was sure that hadn't

2258
01:44:25,730 --> 01:44:27,650
sunk in then I would have had time to

2259
01:44:27,650 --> 01:44:30,170
get feedback from the patient to see

2260
01:44:30,170 --> 01:44:32,270
whether she really understood in action

2261
01:44:32,270 --> 01:44:33,650
in particular what I was talking about

2262
01:44:33,650 --> 01:44:35,420
and whether she was following it up or

2263
01:44:35,420 --> 01:44:38,090
leading herself up some other diverting

2264
01:44:38,090 --> 01:44:41,210
pathway which people can do there was no

2265
01:44:41,210 --> 01:44:43,370
time to emphasize that she would have to

2266
01:44:43,370 --> 01:44:46,850
continually reassess her evaluations of

2267
01:44:46,850 --> 01:44:48,650
herself and her general philosophies and

2268
01:44:48,650 --> 01:44:52,010
do rethinking for the rest of the life

2269
01:44:52,010 --> 01:44:53,869
time to show the patient very much that

2270
01:44:53,869 --> 01:44:55,670
even during this session in relation to

2271
01:44:55,670 --> 01:44:57,530
me and what she was saying about herself

2272
01:44:57,530 --> 01:44:59,840
that she was displaying her bad

2273
01:44:59,840 --> 01:45:03,019
attitudes toward herself and finally

2274
01:45:03,019 --> 01:45:04,789
there was no occasion because this was

2275
01:45:04,789 --> 01:45:07,969
an individual session to see how she

2276
01:45:07,969 --> 01:45:10,250
related specifically to other non

2277
01:45:10,250 --> 01:45:12,139
therapists so she would in group therapy

2278
01:45:12,139 --> 01:45:14,960
and in the midst of this group situation

2279
01:45:14,960 --> 01:45:16,760
to show her exactly what was going on

2280
01:45:16,760 --> 01:45:19,369
and what she could do about it but I do

2281
01:45:19,369 --> 01:45:22,719
feel hope hopeful about the session and

2282
01:45:22,719 --> 01:45:25,190
think that perhaps I was able to at

2283
01:45:25,190 --> 01:45:27,650
least to give the patient a few ideas

2284
01:45:27,650 --> 01:45:29,599
which he could then go out and work on

2285
01:45:29,599 --> 01:45:32,420
on her own because unless patients do

2286
01:45:32,420 --> 01:45:34,849
work themselves with the material that

2287
01:45:34,849 --> 01:45:37,449
we therapists give them in psychotherapy

2288
01:45:37,449 --> 01:45:40,159
nothing eventually happens it isn't any

2289
01:45:40,159 --> 01:45:42,230
magic that we have for them but we can

2290
01:45:42,230 --> 01:45:45,289
give them certain catalytic ideas and

2291
01:45:45,289 --> 01:45:47,659
influences which then if they work and

2292
01:45:47,659 --> 01:45:49,969
practice at work and practice that will

2293
01:45:49,969 --> 01:45:54,000
do them good for the rest of their lives