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My Dearest Child,

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Ten years ago yesterday, I carried you beneath my heart.

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Ten years ago today,

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I stopped the beating of your heart.

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I, your Mother, the one who gave you life

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also gave you death.

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It's been a decade and still my blood runs cold

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and I catch my breath whenever I hear the word

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abortion.

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There's an emptiness inside of me that cannot be filled,

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a chill that has never quite been warmed,

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a grief that will never end.

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To me, you will forever remain an unfinished song,

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a flower that has never bloomed,

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a sunrise clouded by rain.

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Even during your last moments of life,

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I wondered, "Is my baby a boy or a girl?"

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The question ran through my mind again and again

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as I tried to block out the sickening sounds

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of you being suctioned from my womb

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and my life.

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(medical equipment sounds)

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I seemed to have a burning need to know

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whether I would have a son or daughter,

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yet somehow I couldn't bear to ask such an indelicate question of the doctor

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who stood smiling above me.

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Instead, I simply nodded in defeat and sadness

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as the man in white padded my trembling hand and said,

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"Now, aren't you glad it's over?"

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As I lay there,

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drowning in my own blood, tears, and sweat

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I could hear the nurses chattering about co-workers, new cars, and clothes.

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(women talking)

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To these people,

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the extermination of your life was simply a job.

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"Making a living by destroying the living."

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To those gathered in that sunny room in Philadelphia 10 years ago,

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it was just another day.

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To me, it was the darkest day I had ever known.

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The Abortion; the most heartwrenching, terrible experience

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I have ever suffered through in my 18 years.

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Certainly the most painful experience suffered by you in your 3 short months.

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It has taken me all these years to get over it.

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Now as my eyes fill with tears,

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I realize this is something I will never get over.

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That fateful April day.

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Even in my distraught state of mind,

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I knew that there were other choices.

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I was simply to scared to consider the alternative.

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Still a child myself,

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I wasn't ready to be a mother.

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What I didn't realize was that I already was a mother.

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You became my child at the moment of conception.

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My love for you began when your life began

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and although your life ended, that love has never died.

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Your silent screams have awoken me from sleep many times over the years

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and I have lain in the dark and mourned 
the loss of the baby I killed.

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There have even been times when I have contemplated

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ending my own life as I have ended yours.

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It's been 10 years and I still haven't forgiven myself.

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Have you forgiven me?

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Has God forgiven me for destroying a being created by Him?

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I've had many nightmares over the years.

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Scenes of a tiny fetus in a trash bag haunt my subconscious.

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I've awakened in a cold sweat

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again feeling the excruciating pain of that long ago day.

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I recall the intense physical pain of the abortion,

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but those 10 minutes of hurt were nothing compared to

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the 10 years of pain I've lived with since.

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For years my heart has ached to write you this letter,

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but whenever I attempted to put my feelings into words, I. . .

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Perhaps this letter was meant to be written in order to help others

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to avoid the agony I experienced.

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If this letter prevents even one abortion,

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it will have served a purpose.

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But Baby, my purpose in sending this letter to you

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is to let you know that I love you.

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Whoever you are.

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And I'm sorry.

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Love, Mommy