WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:07.009 Part 4: Questions & Expressing and Receiving Gratitude 00:00:08.426 --> 00:00:11.681 This morning you made a reference to giraffe mourning, 00:00:11.821 --> 00:00:15.230 and that there's a different way of saying you're sorry to someone, 00:00:15.370 --> 00:00:17.560 and I wanted to hear what that was. 00:00:17.700 --> 00:00:21.088 - Ok. Let's real quick look at what I mean by "giraffe mourning". 00:00:21.228 --> 00:00:23.804 Think of something you did 00:00:23.928 --> 00:00:27.335 that you wished you hadn't done. 00:00:27.465 --> 00:00:29.432 [Laughter] 00:00:29.562 --> 00:00:34.840 And identify...recall as best as you can how you talked to yourself, 00:00:34.990 --> 00:00:38.517 when you said it or did it, whatever you did. 00:00:39.217 --> 00:00:44.984 So, what did you do that you wished you hadn't done after you'd done it? 00:00:46.041 --> 00:00:50.672 And give me a sample of what you said to yourself when you did it. 00:00:51.897 --> 00:00:56.226 You have one in mind? 00:01:00.306 --> 00:01:01.475 - Ok. 00:01:02.595 --> 00:01:07.015 That I was feeling defensive, and I criticized someone. 00:01:07.292 --> 00:01:10.230 - So, what you did is 00:01:10.350 --> 00:01:14.698 you said some things to another person that you wished you hadn't done. 00:01:14.866 --> 00:01:19.293 - Right. - Ok. And what did you say to yourself when you did that? 00:01:19.895 --> 00:01:23.074 - Usually, in the moment I feel defensive with myself. 00:01:23.205 --> 00:01:28.182 - No, I want to concretely know... for this exercise I need to know concretely 00:01:28.302 --> 00:01:32.409 what you say to yourself when you behave in a way you don't like. 00:01:32.524 --> 00:01:36.886 This is very important to answer your question about giraffe mourning, 00:01:37.027 --> 00:01:43.691 very important to identify what your inner educator is saying to you. 00:01:43.831 --> 00:01:47.422 See this? All of us have an inner educator, 00:01:47.562 --> 00:01:52.877 whose function is to educate us when we are less than perfect. 00:01:54.038 --> 00:01:58.450 Now, most of us made the mistake of sending our inner educator off 00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.497 to a brutal jackal academy for inner educators. 00:02:04.795 --> 00:02:08.327 And so, it's important to be conscious 00:02:08.447 --> 00:02:12.258 of how our inner educator talks to us. So that's what I'm asking you. 00:02:12.418 --> 00:02:17.290 When you said what you did to your husband, what did your inner educator... 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:20.026 how did your inner educator try to educate you? 00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:22.745 What did it say to you about what you had done? 00:02:22.885 --> 00:02:26.253 - In the moment or later? - Either one. 00:02:26.396 --> 00:02:31.407 - Well, the point when I've start to feel regret or sorry is later. 00:02:31.537 --> 00:02:34.891 - At any point, what did you say to yourself about what you had done? 00:02:34.992 --> 00:02:37.721 - Ok. I said I'm a bad person... 00:02:37.821 --> 00:02:41.030 - Now, that's enough. 00:02:41.419 --> 00:02:46.980 Your inner educator tries to educate you through penitence. 00:02:47.856 --> 00:02:51.645 Through making you hate yourself for what you've done. 00:02:51.820 --> 00:02:56.469 It uses language that implies there's such a thing as a bad person. 00:02:56.583 --> 00:03:02.725 All right. Now, if you apologize out of that energy, that's jackal. 00:03:03.094 --> 00:03:07.645 Any apology that comes out of thinking you did something wrong 00:03:07.785 --> 00:03:11.686 is not going to be good for you or the other person. 00:03:12.568 --> 00:03:14.245 You with me so far? 00:03:14.345 --> 00:03:17.630 - I know it feels bad. - Yeah. It feels bad. 00:03:17.773 --> 00:03:20.670 And I really want you to feel bad in this situation, 00:03:20.820 --> 00:03:23.979 but I want you to feel sweet bad. 00:03:24.832 --> 00:03:29.380 A sweet bad that will help you learn from this without hating yourself. 00:03:30.207 --> 00:03:33.649 When you have a thought in your head that you're a bad person, that's ugly bad. 00:03:33.816 --> 00:03:36.287 That's a punitive bad. 00:03:36.413 --> 00:03:39.830 That will first make it hard to learn. 00:03:40.001 --> 00:03:42.434 And even if you do learn, it's out of self-hatred, 00:03:42.512 --> 00:03:46.413 so whatever changes you make are at great cost. 00:03:46.566 --> 00:03:48.673 So, that's your inner educator. 00:03:48.775 --> 00:03:51.026 That was your inner educator speaking to you 00:03:51.119 --> 00:03:53.754 when it said you're a bad person. 00:03:53.891 --> 00:03:56.573 Now, we've been learning today 00:03:56.709 --> 00:04:00.291 that all judgements are expressions of needs, right? 00:04:00.441 --> 00:04:03.037 So, your inner educator means well. 00:04:03.133 --> 00:04:06.659 It really means well. It wants you to learn from this 00:04:06.787 --> 00:04:09.681 in a way that will serve life. 00:04:09.780 --> 00:04:14.780 It means well, it's just its language that sucks. Ok? 00:04:15.339 --> 00:04:18.815 So we don't want to hear what the inner educator thinks about us. 00:04:18.946 --> 00:04:21.320 We want to hear the need that isn't getting met, 00:04:21.460 --> 00:04:24.695 that it's trying to call to our attention. 00:04:24.830 --> 00:04:28.469 So, what need is your inner educator trying to bring to your attention 00:04:28.609 --> 00:04:32.495 that you didn't meet by how you behaved? 00:04:37.871 --> 00:04:40.442 - Aaah... a need to... 00:04:44.104 --> 00:04:46.602 ...be in a relationship with the other person? 00:04:46.682 --> 00:04:49.173 - A need...in what kind of relationship? 00:04:49.313 --> 00:04:52.171 - A mutual understanding, respectful? - Right. 00:04:52.316 --> 00:04:57.730 So it didn't meet your need for respecting and understanding the other person. 00:04:57.845 --> 00:05:02.502 - Yeah. - And how do you feel when that need isn't met? 00:05:07.468 --> 00:05:11.279 - Guilty. - Then you still got the bad person image in mind. See? 00:05:11.408 --> 00:05:15.187 You still think you're a bad... if there's anything still going on, 00:05:15.329 --> 00:05:17.497 that guilt comes from the judgement. 00:05:17.607 --> 00:05:19.976 - Well, I feel separate and isolated. 00:05:20.069 --> 00:05:22.239 But how do you feel? What emotion do you feel about 00:05:22.342 --> 00:05:24.836 not meeting your own needs 00:05:24.945 --> 00:05:27.011 for understanding and respecting? 00:05:27.101 --> 00:05:31.032 See, the guilt comes from that image of a bad person. 00:05:31.148 --> 00:05:33.914 What feeling comes from not meeting your need 00:05:34.054 --> 00:05:38.513 to respond toward this person with respect and understanding? 00:05:38.646 --> 00:05:39.915 - Sad. 00:05:40.055 --> 00:05:42.149 - That's a sweet pain. 00:05:42.644 --> 00:05:45.192 That's giraffe mourning. 00:05:45.869 --> 00:05:47.672 So, if you say to the person 00:05:47.812 --> 00:05:51.259 "The way I talk to you, I feel really sad. 00:05:51.399 --> 00:05:56.288 It doesn't meet my need for respecting you and understanding you". 00:05:59.833 --> 00:06:03.192 You see? There's no image in there that I'm a bad person. 00:06:03.312 --> 00:06:04.981 I'm sad. 00:06:05.096 --> 00:06:09.612 I didn't meet my own need for respecting and understanding you. 00:06:10.358 --> 00:06:14.453 Check with the other person what they'd rather hear. 00:06:14.713 --> 00:06:17.049 Whether they'd rather hear the giraffe mourning, 00:06:17.187 --> 00:06:20.470 or the apology that you're a bad person. 00:06:23.123 --> 00:06:24.789 Yes. 00:06:25.344 --> 00:06:28.658 - I'm having a little problem trying to find the teeth 00:06:28.798 --> 00:06:31.900 in this model somehow. 00:06:32.030 --> 00:06:35.795 It seems like everything is... even though we're talking as on a feeling level, 00:06:35.906 --> 00:06:38.623 everything seems... i'm interpreting, anyway... 00:06:38.763 --> 00:06:43.228 is sort of on a mental level as opposed to an emotional level, 00:06:43.368 --> 00:06:46.253 and I guess I operate a lot from my gut, 00:06:46.393 --> 00:06:49.991 and I'm trying to get down to that somehow. 00:06:50.124 --> 00:06:52.599 So I need some help with it. 00:06:52.710 --> 00:06:55.302 Basically, tell me how 00:06:55.392 --> 00:06:59.563 I would be able to use this technique in my daily life. 00:07:02.728 --> 00:07:06.608 to make it not... well, so that it's natural, you know? 00:07:06.708 --> 00:07:08.912 It's not natural for me to operate this way. 00:07:08.982 --> 00:07:12.255 - The first thing I would recommend to you 00:07:12.355 --> 00:07:14.924 is change the word "natural" to "habitual". 00:07:15.428 --> 00:07:18.981 - Do what? - Change the word "natural" to "habitual". 00:07:19.111 --> 00:07:21.206 I think this process is natural, 00:07:21.386 --> 00:07:24.239 more natural than the way you were trained to think. 00:07:24.339 --> 00:07:27.339 So, Gandhi says "It's very dangerous to mix up the words 00:07:27.489 --> 00:07:29.590 'natural' and 'habitual'". 00:07:29.730 --> 00:07:33.014 He says "We have been trained to be quite habitual at communicating 00:07:33.142 --> 00:07:36.096 in ways that are quite unnatural". 00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:41.230 So, I can't think of a more natural way to communicate 00:07:41.350 --> 00:07:44.038 than to talk about what's alive in us. 00:07:44.178 --> 00:07:46.357 Just what we're feeling and needing. 00:07:46.477 --> 00:07:50.005 - When you feel like saying...if I feel like saying "no", 00:07:50.154 --> 00:07:54.072 saying "no" seems ok to me, but what you were saying before is that... 00:07:54.212 --> 00:07:57.860 - What do you mean by "ok" in "It's ok to say 'no'"? 00:07:57.995 --> 00:08:01.453 - What do you mean by what do I mean? We could go back and forth. 00:08:01.617 --> 00:08:04.232 - Pardon? - We can go back and forth by asking each other... 00:08:04.364 --> 00:08:07.377 - Yes, so let me be more specific. 00:08:07.855 --> 00:08:10.532 When you say "no", 00:08:11.159 --> 00:08:14.394 I predict that by saying "no", 00:08:15.209 --> 00:08:19.001 more often than you would like the other person is going to react to you 00:08:19.121 --> 00:08:22.282 in a way that isn't in your best interest. 00:08:23.971 --> 00:08:29.000 But if you say the need behind the "no", that's less likely to happen. 00:08:29.150 --> 00:08:31.529 - So, then, if I understand what you're saying, 00:08:31.669 --> 00:08:35.791 you're trying to...the idea is to communicate in a way that 00:08:35.941 --> 00:08:38.173 the other person would communicate back to you, 00:08:38.313 --> 00:08:40.730 so that it's in my best interest? 00:08:40.841 --> 00:08:45.321 - I'm saying the purpose of this process is to get everybody's needs met, 00:08:45.461 --> 00:08:48.363 and that the needs are met by people giving willingly, 00:08:48.503 --> 00:08:51.697 not out of any coercive motivation. 00:08:52.426 --> 00:08:55.859 And I'm saying that when you say "no", it gets in the way of 00:08:55.971 --> 00:09:01.072 the likelihood that everybody's needs are going to end up getting met. 00:09:02.136 --> 00:09:05.540 If you say the need that keeps you from saying "yes", 00:09:05.630 --> 00:09:10.871 I predict there's more likelihood that everybody's needs will end up getting met. 00:09:14.121 --> 00:09:16.587 - If I understand what you're saying, 00:09:16.697 --> 00:09:20.405 you're saying: "Just express your needs without saying the 'no'." 00:09:20.515 --> 00:09:26.340 - I'm saying the need is a clearer expression of what you're trying to say than "no". 00:09:27.616 --> 00:09:29.879 You get clearer and more connected to life 00:09:29.986 --> 00:09:32.716 when you say the need that keeps you from saying "yes" 00:09:32.806 --> 00:09:34.862 than just saying "no". 00:09:35.058 --> 00:09:38.499 And it's less likely to be interpreted as a rejection, 00:09:38.639 --> 00:09:41.029 as you being defensive... 00:09:41.653 --> 00:09:44.412 To just say the "no" by itself, I predict 00:09:44.543 --> 00:09:48.669 is more likely to get you interpretations that aren't in your best interest. 00:09:48.769 --> 00:09:51.570 - Sometimes when I don't hear a "no" 00:09:51.685 --> 00:09:55.309 I look at it as being sort of a passive aggressive response 00:09:55.461 --> 00:09:59.086 to something that I might want. 00:09:59.659 --> 00:10:03.600 Someone... for example if I make an appointment with somebody 00:10:03.700 --> 00:10:06.590 and instead of them saying "no", they just don't show up. 00:10:06.715 --> 00:10:09.253 And then they give me a reason why they don't show up. 00:10:09.351 --> 00:10:12.979 - Yes. I'm not suggesting that. I'm not suggesting that response. 00:10:13.119 --> 00:10:16.227 I'm suggesting that I would have liked that person 00:10:16.367 --> 00:10:19.949 to have told you honestly at the time what their need was. 00:10:20.030 --> 00:10:24.483 I think if they had done that you wouldn't have gotten into that situation. 00:10:26.005 --> 00:10:28.214 They said a "yes" that wasn't so. 00:10:28.354 --> 00:10:31.859 - Some people won't say "I'm afraid". - Pardon me? 00:10:31.965 --> 00:10:34.487 - Let's say if the reason is that they are afraid to. 00:10:34.597 --> 00:10:37.808 - That would depend a lot on what has happened in the past to them 00:10:37.918 --> 00:10:42.066 when they have said "no" in whatever way they did it. 00:10:43.213 --> 00:10:48.710 If they have not enjoyed very empathic responses to it in the past, 00:10:48.830 --> 00:10:52.481 then they're probably afraid to be honest about it now. 00:10:52.762 --> 00:10:55.846 - I see the value in all this. I really do. 00:10:55.996 --> 00:10:59.259 I guess it's the idea that it's a touchy-feely type of thing 00:10:59.385 --> 00:11:01.457 that I'm not used to working around. 00:11:01.567 --> 00:11:03.568 - What you're trying to figure out, if I'm understanding, 00:11:03.688 --> 00:11:05.926 is how to really put this into a 00:11:06.066 --> 00:11:09.037 idiom that you can use daily and feels comfortable to you. 00:11:09.167 --> 00:11:11.738 - That's one way of putting it. 00:11:11.873 --> 00:11:13.413 - And so, in our training, 00:11:13.476 --> 00:11:17.227 we first show people how to develop the literacy 00:11:17.367 --> 00:11:23.047 and then how to put it into their regular language. 00:11:23.677 --> 00:11:26.353 I had a student traveling with me, 00:11:26.483 --> 00:11:30.993 and he wanted to give me gratitude. Ok? 00:11:31.089 --> 00:11:35.164 He liked something I did. I was really working the group hard. 00:11:35.304 --> 00:11:38.911 And during the break, he said "dictator". 00:11:39.969 --> 00:11:42.051 That was giraffe, 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:47.185 because he knew that I knew what he was reacting to. 00:11:47.365 --> 00:11:49.141 He knew i wouldn't hear a judgement. 00:11:49.271 --> 00:11:52.621 He knew that I would guess in there what he was feeling and needing. 00:11:52.735 --> 00:11:55.711 So he could say that to me: "Dictator!" 00:11:55.874 --> 00:11:58.474 So, after we really know how to clearly identify 00:11:58.614 --> 00:12:00.926 our feelings, needs, requests, 00:12:01.046 --> 00:12:03.437 then we can start to put it into a language 00:12:03.577 --> 00:12:06.781 that can connect us with people we're speaking with. 00:12:06.887 --> 00:12:10.066 But in this stage of the day, after one day, 00:12:10.196 --> 00:12:12.909 I'm still working with you on making sure you understand 00:12:13.023 --> 00:12:16.529 what a feeling and a need is, because if you don't really understand that, 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:20.027 it's going to be hard to know how to then put it into your idiom. 00:12:20.127 --> 00:12:23.167 - I guess I'm a recovering New York jackal. 00:12:23.307 --> 00:12:25.817 [Laughter] 00:12:26.207 --> 00:12:29.108 I'm getting the impression that 00:12:29.245 --> 00:12:31.791 apology isn't really 00:12:32.746 --> 00:12:35.452 the best service of being a giraffe. 00:12:35.562 --> 00:12:37.875 I'd like to know if you could model... 00:12:38.006 --> 00:12:40.999 I'd like to see you model for me 00:12:41.109 --> 00:12:45.067 an acknowledgement of missing the mark, 00:12:45.187 --> 00:12:46.664 sinning courageously... 00:12:46.804 --> 00:12:49.223 - If you recall earlier, 00:12:49.333 --> 00:12:53.110 I showed an example of that where I showed the person saying 00:12:53.230 --> 00:12:55.427 "I feel sad. I would've liked 00:12:55.537 --> 00:12:58.998 to have responded with more understanding than I did". 00:12:59.128 --> 00:13:01.918 - So you're not using the words "I'm sorry". You're saying "I'm sad". 00:13:02.058 --> 00:13:04.143 It's not so much the words "I'm sorry". 00:13:04.283 --> 00:13:07.688 What we shifted from was thinking that I did something wrong 00:13:07.818 --> 00:13:11.402 that it was bad. It's that thinking that is the problem, 00:13:11.552 --> 00:13:14.758 and the "I'm sorry" follows from that thinking. 00:13:14.885 --> 00:13:18.847 So it's not just that I don't say "I'm sorry", I say "I'm sad", if I'm sad. 00:13:18.953 --> 00:13:21.234 The words "I'm sorry" mean almost nothing. 00:13:21.356 --> 00:13:24.870 People can say that and not feel anything. 00:13:24.967 --> 00:13:28.695 You say that to buy forgiveness. 00:13:28.835 --> 00:13:33.674 So, if I'm feeling sad, I say that. "I'm feeling sad. I would have liked to 00:13:33.782 --> 00:13:36.409 have been more aware of your needs" for example 00:13:36.491 --> 00:13:39.291 where I didn't take the person's needs into consideration. 00:13:39.401 --> 00:13:43.424 But I don't say "I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate of me". 00:13:43.550 --> 00:13:46.895 There's no self-blame. I didn't do anything wrong. 00:13:47.025 --> 00:13:50.654 There is no such thing as doing anything wrong. 00:13:50.768 --> 00:13:55.474 What I did was not in harmony with my needs. I want to mourn that. 00:13:55.606 --> 00:13:58.922 "I'm sad. I would've liked to have been more aware of your needs". 00:13:59.022 --> 00:14:03.198 - Something like that. Does that give you the example? - Very much so. Thank you. 00:14:03.593 --> 00:14:07.405 - I have a question. Over here. To your left. 00:14:09.982 --> 00:14:13.397 I have a situation with my intimate partner 00:14:13.537 --> 00:14:17.283 that many times we get together and we argue a lot, 00:14:17.431 --> 00:14:20.697 and I have this need 00:14:21.942 --> 00:14:24.363 that you were saying earlier is inappropriate: 00:14:24.493 --> 00:14:26.597 I want her to be happy. 00:14:26.727 --> 00:14:29.774 - I didn't say it's inappropriate. I said it was undoable. 00:14:29.914 --> 00:14:33.834 - OK. Right. That's what she keeps telling me. 00:14:36.823 --> 00:14:41.597 - If you're going to tell me to be happy, tell me the action to get there. 00:14:42.381 --> 00:14:44.851 That I can do. If you tell me an action 00:14:44.985 --> 00:14:47.907 which you predict that if I do that, I'll be happy at the end, 00:14:48.023 --> 00:14:51.494 that would be helpful. Tell me the action. Don't just tell me to be happy. 00:14:51.634 --> 00:14:54.236 Don't tell me to have confidence in myself. 00:14:54.344 --> 00:14:58.079 Tell me what you would like me to do to feel that confidence. 00:14:58.203 --> 00:15:01.344 The action will get me there, but just telling me what to feel 00:15:01.484 --> 00:15:04.690 puts me into a paradoxical bind. 00:15:04.993 --> 00:15:06.500 - Ok. 00:15:07.458 --> 00:15:10.291 One of the other things would be that 00:15:10.431 --> 00:15:15.286 when we get together, I don't necessarily want to be 00:15:15.447 --> 00:15:19.475 going somewhere with her, if she's not in a good mood at that time 00:15:19.605 --> 00:15:21.775 or if there's some kind of tenseness... 00:15:21.905 --> 00:15:26.721 - Then empathize with why I'm not in a good mood and I'll be in one. 00:15:27.057 --> 00:15:29.629 But telling me that I got to be in a better mood 00:15:29.769 --> 00:15:33.804 for you to want to go with me gets me in a worse mood. 00:15:36.602 --> 00:15:37.904 - Ok. 00:15:42.551 --> 00:15:46.151 - I'm wondering if there are some times when... 00:15:46.291 --> 00:15:48.510 Over here. 00:15:48.893 --> 00:15:54.332 I'm feeling some anxiety about a trip I'm planning to visit my mother soon 00:15:54.472 --> 00:15:58.101 and we have a dynamic where she really wants to help me 00:15:58.256 --> 00:16:01.893 figure out every detail of what I'm doing during my stay, 00:16:01.993 --> 00:16:05.553 and I'd like to be left alone. - So, let me show you how to do it. 00:16:05.693 --> 00:16:08.484 - And I'm afraid that if I talk to her like this, 00:16:08.624 --> 00:16:11.657 it's going to make matters much worse. - Ok. Then we'll teach you how... 00:16:11.806 --> 00:16:15.451 If it does, we'll show you how to enjoy it when it gets worse. 00:16:17.348 --> 00:16:20.392 But first, let me show you the first thing to do 00:16:20.470 --> 00:16:25.243 if we want a person to consider another behaviour than the one they're doing, 00:16:25.403 --> 00:16:27.891 start the communication by showing them that 00:16:28.038 --> 00:16:32.136 what they're doing is the most precious thing they could be doing. 00:16:32.785 --> 00:16:35.196 This way: empathy. 00:16:35.336 --> 00:16:40.271 Start by empathizing with mother's intent in behaving as she does. 00:16:40.435 --> 00:16:43.513 "Mother, I'm guessing that when you jump in and want to 00:16:43.633 --> 00:16:46.102 show me all the things that could be done, 00:16:46.231 --> 00:16:49.272 you really care a lot about my enjoying myself on this trip 00:16:49.382 --> 00:16:51.347 and want to be sure you support that. 00:16:51.487 --> 00:16:53.439 - Oh, yes, yes, blá, blá... 00:16:53.579 --> 00:16:57.476 - Yeah, so, it's really very important to you that 00:16:57.576 --> 00:17:00.651 I have a good time and you want to contribute to it. 00:17:00.765 --> 00:17:02.272 - Yeah." 00:17:02.961 --> 00:17:04.549 That's step one. See what I mean? 00:17:04.639 --> 00:17:08.546 That's what I mean by starting by showing you understand. 00:17:08.653 --> 00:17:11.174 Now, the more we're concerned about that behaviour, 00:17:11.252 --> 00:17:14.457 the more important it is to start with this. 00:17:14.573 --> 00:17:16.584 See? That's why when I work in prisons, 00:17:16.661 --> 00:17:20.235 and this person has been sexualy molesting people, or raping people, 00:17:20.345 --> 00:17:24.610 if I would like this person to find another way of behaving, 00:17:24.730 --> 00:17:29.076 the first thing I got to do is make sure they don't hate themselves for what they're doing. 00:17:29.170 --> 00:17:33.869 The more they hate themselves for what they're doing, the more they'll continue doing it. 00:17:33.988 --> 00:17:38.468 So I start by empathizing with what their needs are, in doing it. 00:17:39.273 --> 00:17:42.714 Ok. So, you got that step. The next step... 00:17:42.894 --> 00:17:46.528 What we started off the day with... I'd tell honestly how I feel. 00:17:46.689 --> 00:17:51.171 "Mom, I feel torn right now because I'm grateful for your intent. 00:17:51.319 --> 00:17:54.982 But... I really have a need to kind of make my own choices here, 00:17:55.122 --> 00:17:58.503 because I think it would be very hard for anybody else to really know what I need 00:17:58.633 --> 00:18:01.574 and I need this space to figure it out for myself. 00:18:01.757 --> 00:18:04.457 So, would you tell me what you heard me say, mother, 00:18:04.571 --> 00:18:07.849 so I can see if I'm making myself clear?" 00:18:09.549 --> 00:18:12.487 [Laughter] 00:18:16.627 --> 00:18:19.315 So now I know mother didn't hear me. 00:18:19.475 --> 00:18:22.129 Now I know mother didn't hear my needs. 00:18:22.269 --> 00:18:24.804 She probably heard a rejection. 00:18:24.997 --> 00:18:27.936 She probably heard that she's not valued. 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:33.665 But it's important that I not think that her reaction is because of what I said. 00:18:34.284 --> 00:18:36.757 If I express my feelings and needs, 00:18:36.887 --> 00:18:40.334 it would be impossible for a person to react this way, if they heard it. 00:18:40.444 --> 00:18:42.410 They would've gotten a gift. 00:18:42.520 --> 00:18:47.290 They would have the eyes of a little child getting a gift from Santa Claus. 00:18:47.420 --> 00:18:50.826 That doesn't look like what mother's looking like right now. 00:18:50.926 --> 00:18:54.666 "So, mom, could you tell me what you just heard me say? 00:18:54.797 --> 00:18:56.910 - You don't want me. 00:18:58.288 --> 00:19:01.019 - So, you heard it as a kind of a rejection, mother? 00:19:01.133 --> 00:19:03.791 - Of course. How else could I have heard it? 00:19:04.601 --> 00:19:07.918 - Well, thank you for telling me you heard it as a rejection, mother." 00:19:08.008 --> 00:19:11.779 Notice I didn't say "that isn't what I said". 00:19:12.449 --> 00:19:13.620 See? 00:19:13.780 --> 00:19:17.373 If you want to have people understand you differently, 00:19:17.513 --> 00:19:20.924 never tell them "you're misunderstanding me". 00:19:21.554 --> 00:19:24.336 Never say "That isn't what I said". 00:19:24.632 --> 00:19:27.920 Say "Thank you for telling me that's what you heard. 00:19:28.093 --> 00:19:32.251 I can see I didn't make myself clear. I'd like to try again, mother, 00:19:32.562 --> 00:19:35.560 because I do value very much, your offering to help, 00:19:35.700 --> 00:19:40.791 but I have a need to kind of get my own needs clear and structure my own time. 00:19:40.981 --> 00:19:44.372 Can you tell me what you heard me say? 00:19:45.124 --> 00:19:49.272 - So you think I don't have any intelligence about helping you. 00:19:49.449 --> 00:19:52.444 - Thank you for telling me that's what you're hearing, mother. 00:19:52.563 --> 00:19:54.913 I'd like for you to hear it differently. 00:19:55.012 --> 00:19:57.255 I'd like you just to hear my needs. 00:19:57.395 --> 00:20:02.370 That I have a real need to kind of sort things out for myself, and structure my own time. 00:20:02.560 --> 00:20:05.405 Could you tell me what you heard? 00:20:06.827 --> 00:20:11.719 - You have a need to kind of get clear for yourself what you want and to figure things out. 00:20:11.819 --> 00:20:13.392 - Thank you mother." 00:20:13.492 --> 00:20:16.552 See how easy it is to get empathy from a jackal? Just about 00:20:16.685 --> 00:20:19.998 3 ear pulls, and I got it. Right? 00:20:22.155 --> 00:20:25.722 Now, there are some 8-pull jackals, too, I know that. 00:20:25.861 --> 00:20:30.328 But I can tell from how sweet you are your mother is a 3-pull jackal. 00:20:30.642 --> 00:20:31.821 - Thank you. 00:20:31.921 --> 00:20:36.190 [Laughter] 00:20:37.840 --> 00:20:39.651 - Yes... 00:20:39.897 --> 00:20:43.484 - You mentioned earlier this morning about enjoying suffering. 00:20:43.624 --> 00:20:45.403 Could you elaborate on that? 00:20:45.543 --> 00:20:49.083 - Oh yes. That's very important. Thank you for getting back to me about it. 00:20:49.216 --> 00:20:52.765 Ok. A friend of yours says this to you: 00:20:54.703 --> 00:20:57.718 "I'm a nothing. 00:20:58.818 --> 00:21:03.832 I'll never amount to anything. Look, I'm an assistant clerk at age 45. 00:21:04.779 --> 00:21:07.388 My brother's the head of his company, 00:21:07.528 --> 00:21:10.002 my sister's a top attorney, 00:21:10.592 --> 00:21:12.605 and I'm nothing." 00:21:12.745 --> 00:21:14.611 Ok? 00:21:15.438 --> 00:21:17.671 Now, to enjoy this person's suffering, 00:21:17.811 --> 00:21:22.601 we have to release ourselves from 2 kinds of responsibility. 00:21:23.317 --> 00:21:26.826 First, that we didn't cause the pain. 00:21:27.361 --> 00:21:29.778 And we want to release ourselves from that, 00:21:29.908 --> 00:21:33.852 especially when the other person's trying to make us believe we did cause the pain. 00:21:33.972 --> 00:21:38.926 So if this person had started "and you're at fault for all of this why I'm a nothing." 00:21:39.066 --> 00:21:41.127 Especially when a person says that, 00:21:41.260 --> 00:21:44.937 we do not want to in any way think that we caused this person's pain, 00:21:45.070 --> 00:21:49.307 because you can't cause another person's psychological pain. 00:21:50.380 --> 00:21:54.560 Well, in this case, the person wasn't saying that so that's pretty easy to 00:21:54.680 --> 00:21:56.959 liberate ourself from feeling responsible, 00:21:57.068 --> 00:22:00.406 but the second one is the hard one. 00:22:01.469 --> 00:22:03.667 To think we have to fix it. 00:22:03.807 --> 00:22:06.431 To make the person feel better. 00:22:06.539 --> 00:22:10.360 The more we think it's our job to make a person feel better, 00:22:10.510 --> 00:22:13.376 the more we're going to make it worse. 00:22:13.509 --> 00:22:16.114 Because you can't fix people. 00:22:16.685 --> 00:22:18.915 The good news is you don't have to. 00:22:19.053 --> 00:22:24.009 There is a very powerful healing energy always available 00:22:24.304 --> 00:22:27.925 if we don't block it. And how do we block that energy? 00:22:28.071 --> 00:22:31.104 By trying to fix things ourselves. 00:22:32.541 --> 00:22:35.764 So, how do we help that energy to do the job? 00:22:35.914 --> 00:22:38.084 By empathy. 00:22:38.287 --> 00:22:42.580 Empathy requires presence, just to be present. 00:22:42.727 --> 00:22:46.958 When we are just present, when we are remembering the Buddha's advice 00:22:47.068 --> 00:22:50.514 "don't do something. Stand there." 00:22:51.918 --> 00:22:56.453 When we do that, and that energy works through us, 00:22:56.603 --> 00:23:01.828 there is a precious connection between that person and us. 00:23:02.604 --> 00:23:05.736 And that precious connection is what i mean by enjoying the pain, 00:23:05.876 --> 00:23:08.501 to enjoy that precious connection. 00:23:08.641 --> 00:23:13.022 And whether this person's feeling joy or pain, 00:23:13.162 --> 00:23:16.262 if we are present there with them, 00:23:16.502 --> 00:23:18.686 that's what I mean. 00:23:19.311 --> 00:23:24.917 But we block that beautiful energy whenever we step in and think we have to fix things. 00:23:25.057 --> 00:23:29.877 So, if we say "there, there, there. You'll feel better. You'll get over it" we make it worse. 00:23:30.017 --> 00:23:34.057 When we start to give advice, we make it worse. 00:23:34.189 --> 00:23:36.678 So, what does that look like? 00:23:36.781 --> 00:23:40.712 "So, you're feeling really discouraged and really would like 00:23:40.852 --> 00:23:43.722 to have achieved more in your life at this moment than you've done. 00:23:43.862 --> 00:23:46.849 - Yes, yes, I've had every opportunity, and look at me. 00:23:46.949 --> 00:23:50.280 I've just never made use of anything. 00:23:50.469 --> 00:23:53.814 - Yeah, so you're really discouraged and frustrated, and 00:23:53.924 --> 00:23:58.189 would really liked to have made different use of some things than you have. 00:23:58.368 --> 00:23:59.495 - Yeah." 00:23:59.605 --> 00:24:01.849 See, I'm just present. 00:24:01.979 --> 00:24:03.838 I'm not trying to fix it. 00:24:03.978 --> 00:24:07.312 And when that happens, there's a very precious connection. 00:24:07.452 --> 00:24:09.839 That's what I mean by enjoyment. 00:24:09.979 --> 00:24:12.180 And that precious connection does the healing. 00:24:12.320 --> 00:24:15.214 Not your advice, not your whatever. 00:24:15.384 --> 00:24:17.191 Yes... 00:24:17.362 --> 00:24:21.551 - Can you clarify the distinction between empathizing, 00:24:21.661 --> 00:24:26.085 and sort of encouraging and supporting the soap opera of, 00:24:26.235 --> 00:24:29.694 you know, somebody who is... 00:24:31.716 --> 00:24:35.589 somebody who's suffering, and sometimes by being there, 00:24:35.723 --> 00:24:40.250 it's sort of a subtle encouragement, as opposed to... 00:24:41.232 --> 00:24:44.420 - The subtle encouragement that I think you're talking about 00:24:44.530 --> 00:24:47.982 comes about when this person is talking about what happened to them, 00:24:48.091 --> 00:24:51.014 for the 50th time you've heard the story. 00:24:51.162 --> 00:24:53.431 So, if I'm really listening to them, 00:24:53.581 --> 00:24:56.233 I don't hear what they talk about the past, 00:24:56.373 --> 00:24:58.745 because I know that the more they talk about the past, 00:24:58.885 --> 00:25:01.678 the less healing will take place. 00:25:01.797 --> 00:25:03.899 So I interrupt. 00:25:04.018 --> 00:25:07.832 But I interrupt to bring the conversation to life. 00:25:07.955 --> 00:25:10.433 They're talking about the past, and I interrupt and I say 00:25:10.563 --> 00:25:14.712 "excuse me, but it sounds like right now you're still feeling hurt, 00:25:14.822 --> 00:25:19.262 because your need for respect wasn't met in that". 00:25:19.361 --> 00:25:22.261 See? Because just letting them talk about the past 00:25:22.401 --> 00:25:25.772 and asking them questions about what happened about the past 00:25:25.912 --> 00:25:28.417 is to just keep the soap opera going. 00:25:28.557 --> 00:25:30.947 So I interrupt when they talk about the past 00:25:31.056 --> 00:25:34.626 because we don't heal by talking about the past. 00:25:34.745 --> 00:25:37.972 we heal by talking about what's alive in us right now, 00:25:38.050 --> 00:25:42.386 stimulated by the past, but it's what is here now 00:25:42.573 --> 00:25:46.380 and when I connect at that level they won't keep talking about it. 00:25:46.520 --> 00:25:48.357 They'll heal. 00:25:49.233 --> 00:25:52.191 Last question and then I'm going to get into 00:25:52.331 --> 00:25:56.352 the subject that I'd like to cover before the end. Yes? 00:26:00.178 --> 00:26:04.145 - You talk about having... let's see... 00:26:04.395 --> 00:26:07.928 if someone else cannot cause our emotional pain... 00:26:08.068 --> 00:26:11.119 - That's right. - ...and I think about 00:26:11.790 --> 00:26:16.665 the abuse that I grew up with and that I see in a lot of families 00:26:17.005 --> 00:26:20.948 and the suffering that I've experienced throughout my life, 00:26:21.041 --> 00:26:23.191 through my recovery and all that,... 00:26:23.331 --> 00:26:26.674 - And other people were a stimulus for your suffering 00:26:26.801 --> 00:26:30.758 and you were a participant by how you dealt with it. 00:26:31.136 --> 00:26:36.379 For example, if you follow me in my work you would see this very clearly. 00:26:38.126 --> 00:26:41.824 In places like Rwanda, Burundi, Sierra Leone, 00:26:41.952 --> 00:26:45.153 I'm working with people that had their families killed. 00:26:45.269 --> 00:26:48.204 Some of those people have such rage 00:26:48.324 --> 00:26:53.251 that all they live for, moment by moment is the possibility of vengeance. 00:26:53.850 --> 00:26:56.477 Others have no anger, have never had anger. 00:26:56.577 --> 00:26:58.623 Same exact stimulus. 00:26:58.763 --> 00:27:02.479 They have deep feelings, but not rage. 00:27:02.594 --> 00:27:06.919 So it is not the stimulus that determines how our emocional reaction is. 00:27:07.109 --> 00:27:09.237 That part is up to us. 00:27:10.556 --> 00:27:16.755 I work with some women, unfortunately a lot, who have been raped. 00:27:17.713 --> 00:27:21.809 And some of them feel shame, deep shame, 00:27:22.111 --> 00:27:26.535 some feel rage, some feel other things. 00:27:26.679 --> 00:27:29.808 So the same stimulus 00:27:30.103 --> 00:27:35.554 depends how people take it whether they feel shame, rage or other things. 00:27:35.875 --> 00:27:39.272 I'm working with a women from Rwanda who had... 00:27:39.381 --> 00:27:42.210 she heard her three children being killed because she got 00:27:42.330 --> 00:27:45.504 to underneath the sink, hid underneath the sink in time, 00:27:45.644 --> 00:27:49.094 the children didn't make it to the hiding place in time, they got killed, she heard them, 00:27:49.204 --> 00:27:52.242 she heard her husband being killed and her brother. 00:27:52.382 --> 00:27:55.171 She had to stay underneath there 11 days to save her own life 00:27:55.311 --> 00:27:58.202 because they stayed in the house after they killed the family. 00:27:59.645 --> 00:28:02.406 This woman has deep feelings, 00:28:02.546 --> 00:28:06.617 but never once she had the kind of anger that makes her want to get vengeance. 00:28:06.757 --> 00:28:10.408 She has put all of her feelings and lots of them into protecting... 00:28:10.558 --> 00:28:14.257 preventing this happening to anybody else. You see? 00:28:14.379 --> 00:28:17.515 So the way she looked at it leads her to want to 00:28:17.635 --> 00:28:21.346 prevent this happening to anybody else. She came to my workshop 00:28:21.533 --> 00:28:24.205 because she wanted to know how to deal with the rage towards her 00:28:24.345 --> 00:28:28.514 from other people in her tribe who are furious with her 00:28:28.654 --> 00:28:33.420 that she won't join their efforts to kill the other people. 00:28:33.590 --> 00:28:37.424 Same stimulus, quite different reactions. 00:28:37.544 --> 00:28:39.847 - Ok, so I had this stimulus 00:28:39.945 --> 00:28:42.585 and somewhere I learned how to deal with it 00:28:42.698 --> 00:28:45.875 in the way that I had dealt with it and I'm learning to change that now. 00:28:45.978 --> 00:28:49.843 - Yes. The worst thing of course would be no matter how you did choose to deal with it 00:28:49.943 --> 00:28:53.365 is to think that there is something wrong with how you chose to deal with it. 00:28:53.505 --> 00:28:57.236 I'm not wanting us to get into one way is right or wrong, I'm just saying that 00:28:57.376 --> 00:28:59.572 no matter what happens to us, 00:28:59.712 --> 00:29:01.962 the other person is responsible for what they did, 00:29:02.040 --> 00:29:04.222 I'm not saying that the other person doesn't have responsability. 00:29:04.302 --> 00:29:06.019 - That's my question about accountability. 00:29:06.097 --> 00:29:09.949 - That person is responsible for what they did and why they did it. 00:29:10.089 --> 00:29:14.433 We are responsible for how we deal with that. 00:29:19.158 --> 00:29:20.805 OK? 00:29:21.611 --> 00:29:25.915 I'm just wondering how a child becomes responsible... I mean still... 00:29:26.025 --> 00:29:30.384 The first thing I do is, I wouldn't want to teach the child the lesson I just tought you 00:29:30.494 --> 00:29:33.770 until I had given that child all the empathy that child needed 00:29:33.863 --> 00:29:35.960 and I would guess it would be a lot. 00:29:36.050 --> 00:29:39.001 So I can see myself dealing with a long time 00:29:39.094 --> 00:29:43.527 of hearing this childs enormous pain as a result of this. 00:29:44.493 --> 00:29:48.541 But then in the course of this I would be seeing this child 00:29:48.661 --> 00:29:52.412 having some pain created by how they looked at it. 00:29:52.543 --> 00:29:57.307 So I would see that they're creating pain on top of pain, 00:29:57.420 --> 00:29:59.934 by how they looked at it 00:30:00.043 --> 00:30:04.687 so, after the child had all the empathy he or she needed 00:30:04.817 --> 00:30:07.621 then I would do what I could to get them to see it 00:30:07.761 --> 00:30:12.562 in a way that wouldn't create unnecessary pain for themselves. 00:30:17.752 --> 00:30:20.489 This is a baby jackal yes. 00:30:23.431 --> 00:30:27.083 OK, now what I would like to do in the precious time that we have left 00:30:27.223 --> 00:30:31.171 is to deal with a very important part of giraffe, because I wouldn't want you to 00:30:31.311 --> 00:30:33.978 get the idea that Non Violent Communication 00:30:34.056 --> 00:30:37.480 is solely interested in conflict resolution, 00:30:37.620 --> 00:30:41.107 because it's equally interested in celebration. 00:30:41.227 --> 00:30:43.008 How could we celebrate life 00:30:43.148 --> 00:30:47.189 in fact, the part that I have left for ten minutes before the end 00:30:47.329 --> 00:30:51.901 is in some respects the most important part because it's where we get the fuel 00:30:52.071 --> 00:30:54.156 to stay giraffe 00:30:54.612 --> 00:30:57.837 in a what's often a very jackalish world. 00:30:57.975 --> 00:31:02.177 So it's going to be pretty hard to make this radical transformation into 00:31:02.287 --> 00:31:04.502 back to our nature 00:31:05.885 --> 00:31:10.466 in many situations unless we are getting plenty of fuel. 00:31:10.836 --> 00:31:12.910 Now where does the fuel come from? 00:31:13.050 --> 00:31:16.070 The fuel comes from celebration. 00:31:16.726 --> 00:31:18.424 And what kind of celebration? 00:31:18.564 --> 00:31:22.435 It comes from saying thank you in giraffe. 00:31:22.575 --> 00:31:26.385 So let's see now, in the last minutes, how we celebrate 00:31:26.525 --> 00:31:28.287 by saying thank you in giraffe. 00:31:28.427 --> 00:31:31.347 Expressing gratitude in giraffe. 00:31:32.703 --> 00:31:38.049 And first I would like to remind you of how jackals say thank you. 00:31:38.172 --> 00:31:41.421 "You did a good job on that paper." 00:31:41.783 --> 00:31:44.666 "You are a very kind person." 00:31:45.689 --> 00:31:48.198 "You are a good dancer." 00:31:48.574 --> 00:31:51.579 Can you see why that's jackal? 00:31:52.481 --> 00:31:54.562 Moralistic judgements. 00:31:54.702 --> 00:31:58.844 Positive moralistic judgements are equally 00:31:58.984 --> 00:32:02.359 as violent in my estimations as negative ones. 00:32:02.442 --> 00:32:07.741 Namely they reinforce the idea that the negative exist. If I say you're a kind person, 00:32:07.881 --> 00:32:11.196 I'm implying there's such a thing as an unkind person. 00:32:11.312 --> 00:32:15.815 I'm also implying that I'm the judge that knows the difference. 00:32:16.227 --> 00:32:21.231 So no more praise or compliments, OK? No more praise or compliments. 00:32:21.371 --> 00:32:24.290 Especially when you intend them as a reward. 00:32:24.430 --> 00:32:29.743 That's the ultimate dehumanization, to use thank you as a reward. 00:32:29.883 --> 00:32:32.605 To say it for the purpose of trying to reinforce someting, 00:32:32.745 --> 00:32:36.221 To get the person to continue doing it. 00:32:36.338 --> 00:32:41.246 It's like sending a... what goes on at a dog obedience school? 00:32:41.383 --> 00:32:43.919 Punishment and rewards. 00:32:44.059 --> 00:32:47.934 Giving a compliment or praise for the purpose of reinforcement 00:32:48.043 --> 00:32:52.514 is giving the dog a... something to eat to reinforce it for something. 00:32:52.654 --> 00:32:55.211 People are not for that treatment. 00:32:55.324 --> 00:32:58.996 And it destroys the beauty of thank you, 00:32:59.659 --> 00:33:01.388 when people have to wonder: 00:33:01.528 --> 00:33:04.754 "Is this being said out of that energy?" 00:33:04.866 --> 00:33:06.514 "- But it works! 00:33:06.654 --> 00:33:08.301 - What does, jackal? 00:33:08.441 --> 00:33:11.865 - Studies in management indicate that if managers 00:33:12.005 --> 00:33:16.587 praise and compliment employees daily, product goes up. 00:33:16.710 --> 00:33:18.869 Studies in school show that if teachers 00:33:19.009 --> 00:33:23.950 praise and compliment students daily they work harder. 00:33:24.051 --> 00:33:26.407 - Jackal take another look at the research. 00:33:26.547 --> 00:33:30.625 I think you'll see that that only works for a very short time, 00:33:30.765 --> 00:33:34.215 until people see the manipulation. 00:33:34.332 --> 00:33:36.612 And then it no longer works. 00:33:36.736 --> 00:33:38.972 And it destroys the beauty of thank you 00:33:39.065 --> 00:33:43.274 because now you can not even trust gratitude 00:33:43.405 --> 00:33:49.354 without wondering whether it's being used as reinforcement, as a reward. 00:33:49.498 --> 00:33:54.416 - Well what if I want to build up the other person's self-esteem, what's wrong with that? 00:33:54.556 --> 00:33:56.742 - So you... jackal you don't see the irony of that? 00:33:56.882 --> 00:33:58.535 - What? 00:33:58.634 --> 00:34:03.431 - If the other person can only like themself when you compliment them, they have no self-esteem. 00:34:03.571 --> 00:34:07.497 You've just addicted them to your rewards. 00:34:07.798 --> 00:34:14.265 That they only feel good when you say something about them. They have no self-esteem." 00:34:14.420 --> 00:34:16.176 OK. 00:34:16.475 --> 00:34:20.902 How does a giraffe say "thank you"? Or gratitude? 00:34:21.042 --> 00:34:24.686 First, there are three things that are involved in a giraffe expression of 00:34:24.826 --> 00:34:29.460 gratitude that give us energy to keep being a giraffe. 00:34:29.792 --> 00:34:31.987 The first thing in a giraffe expression of gratitude 00:34:32.080 --> 00:34:36.059 is we bring to this other person's attention concretely 00:34:36.199 --> 00:34:41.116 what they have done that has made life more wonderful for us. 00:34:41.269 --> 00:34:44.253 See, that's what we need to do, daily. 00:34:44.393 --> 00:34:47.899 We need to bring our consciousness and attention 00:34:48.039 --> 00:34:51.415 to the power that each one of us has 00:34:51.555 --> 00:34:54.360 to make life more wonderful. 00:34:55.355 --> 00:34:58.278 Each of us is a powerhouse. 00:34:59.657 --> 00:35:01.489 We have words 00:35:02.446 --> 00:35:08.750 that have the power to contribute to making people's lives more wonderful. 00:35:08.844 --> 00:35:12.150 We have touch, we can touch people in ways 00:35:12.290 --> 00:35:15.442 that can make life more wonderful. 00:35:15.558 --> 00:35:18.903 We can provide services for people. 00:35:19.256 --> 00:35:21.488 We are powerhouses. 00:35:21.682 --> 00:35:24.312 The more we remember this, 00:35:24.459 --> 00:35:28.498 we'll not get caught up in any violent games. 00:35:29.064 --> 00:35:31.295 Why would we use our energy 00:35:31.473 --> 00:35:36.911 any way other than to make life wonderful when we remember that we have this power? 00:35:37.053 --> 00:35:41.134 So that's one thing we've got to make clear in our expression of gratitude 00:35:41.274 --> 00:35:43.434 specifically what the person did, 00:35:43.574 --> 00:35:46.485 not some vague generality. 00:35:46.983 --> 00:35:51.023 For example a woman in Geneva Switzerland came by up to me at the end of a workshop. 00:35:51.163 --> 00:35:55.304 Here's what she said to me: "You're brilliant." 00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:59.243 I said: "Doesn't help." 00:36:00.331 --> 00:36:01.299 She said: "What do you mean?" 00:36:01.439 --> 00:36:06.219 I said: "You know mam, I've been called a lot of names in my life, really I have. 00:36:06.359 --> 00:36:09.691 Some positive and some far less than positive. 00:36:09.831 --> 00:36:15.497 And I can never recall learning anything valuable by somebody telling me what I am. 00:36:15.637 --> 00:36:20.073 I think there's zero information value being told what you are 00:36:20.213 --> 00:36:23.130 and great danger, you might believe it. 00:36:23.241 --> 00:36:28.701 And it's just as dangerous to believe that you're smart as that you're stupid. 00:36:28.892 --> 00:36:32.102 Both of them reduce you to a thing. 00:36:33.212 --> 00:36:36.700 We're much more than either of those. 00:36:37.897 --> 00:36:41.584 But I can see in your eyes that you want to express some gratitude. 00:36:41.724 --> 00:36:42.600 - Yes! 00:36:42.740 --> 00:36:46.290 - And I want to receive it but, doesn't help me to be told what I am. 00:36:46.430 --> 00:36:47.920 - What do you need to hear? 00:36:48.060 --> 00:36:51.856 - What did I do to make life more wonderful for you? 00:36:51.961 --> 00:36:53.774 - Well, well, you're so intelligent. 00:36:53.914 --> 00:36:55.786 - No, doesn't help. 00:36:56.492 --> 00:36:59.040 - Doesn't help. What did I do? 00:36:59.160 --> 00:37:00.415 Oh I got you, I got you." 00:37:00.555 --> 00:37:02.544 She opens up her notebook, 00:37:02.648 --> 00:37:05.999 she showed me two things that I had said that she had written down. 00:37:06.139 --> 00:37:08.763 She put a big star by them. 00:37:09.066 --> 00:37:10.992 See? That helps me now. Ok. 00:37:11.085 --> 00:37:13.579 That helps to know, that somehow, 00:37:13.719 --> 00:37:19.064 my saying those two things made this persons life more wonderful. 00:37:19.204 --> 00:37:21.832 So that's the first thing we need to say 00:37:21.959 --> 00:37:26.981 in appreciation. We need to bring to the persons attention concretely what they did 00:37:27.121 --> 00:37:28.772 that made life more wonderful. 00:37:28.912 --> 00:37:33.452 Second: at the moment we're giving the gratitude 00:37:33.592 --> 00:37:39.244 to say how we feel at that moment about the person having done that. 00:37:39.384 --> 00:37:41.111 So I said to this woman: 00:37:41.251 --> 00:37:45.877 "Could you tell me how you feel now as the result of my having said those two things?" 00:37:46.017 --> 00:37:47.909 She said "Hopeful and relieved." 00:37:48.049 --> 00:37:50.499 - Oh! Hopeful and relieved! 00:37:52.452 --> 00:37:56.600 That gives me much more than telling me what I am, that I'm brilliant." 00:37:56.740 --> 00:38:00.912 Just to know that somehow my saying those two things, 00:38:00.995 --> 00:38:04.615 now this person feels hopeful and relieved. 00:38:04.704 --> 00:38:09.371 Now when I hear the third thing I'll be able to really enjoy this gratitude. 00:38:09.511 --> 00:38:13.108 I said: "what need of yours was fulfilled 00:38:13.480 --> 00:38:15.033 by my saying what I did 00:38:15.096 --> 00:38:18.941 that leaves you feeling hopeful and relieved?" 00:38:19.051 --> 00:38:23.401 And that's the third thing we need to see in a giraffe gratitude. 00:38:23.484 --> 00:38:26.595 She said, "I have an 18 year old son. 00:38:26.735 --> 00:38:29.600 I've never been able to connect with him. 00:38:29.712 --> 00:38:31.964 It's been very painful that we never can connect, 00:38:32.057 --> 00:38:36.761 and I have needed some direction, to help me connect with him. 00:38:36.901 --> 00:38:42.788 Those two things you said met my need for some concrete direction." 00:38:43.690 --> 00:38:47.819 So had she exressed her gratitude in giraffe, she would have said: 00:38:47.959 --> 00:38:50.296 "Marshall when you said these two things," 00:38:50.436 --> 00:38:52.542 (showed me what the two things were) 00:38:52.676 --> 00:38:55.422 "it leaves me feeling hopeful and relieved, 00:38:55.562 --> 00:39:00.970 it meets a need of mine to connect with my son in a way that I want." 00:39:01.809 --> 00:39:05.947 OK? That's how we say gratitude in giraffe. Those three things. 00:39:06.087 --> 00:39:10.477 And it's also important how we receive gratitude. 00:39:11.460 --> 00:39:15.669 Let me show you how a jackal receives gratitude. 00:39:15.809 --> 00:39:17.769 "Jackal when you offered to give me the ride 00:39:17.909 --> 00:39:20.124 that just now to where I'm going afterwards 00:39:20.264 --> 00:39:21.667 I feel very grateful because 00:39:21.807 --> 00:39:24.488 I really have a need to spend more time with my family, 00:39:24.628 --> 00:39:28.189 and if I took the bus I'd have an hour less time. 00:39:28.329 --> 00:39:29.731 - It's nothing." 00:39:31.799 --> 00:39:33.621 "De rien." 00:39:36.982 --> 00:39:42.661 If you want to terrorize a jackal, express love and appreciation to him. 00:39:43.044 --> 00:39:46.947 Really, if you really want to scare a jackal, 00:39:47.222 --> 00:39:50.344 I've never seen anything scare jackal-speaking people more 00:39:50.484 --> 00:39:53.496 than sincere gratitude or love. 00:39:54.824 --> 00:39:58.268 "Why do you get so nervous, jackal, when you hear it? 00:39:58.414 --> 00:40:01.647 - Well I don't know that I deserved it." 00:40:02.817 --> 00:40:05.780 See, jackals have this dangerous concept in their head: 00:40:05.920 --> 00:40:07.722 Deserve. 00:40:07.848 --> 00:40:10.293 It's a very violent concept. 00:40:10.439 --> 00:40:14.763 See it implies you have to deserve appreciation. 00:40:14.933 --> 00:40:20.381 You do deserve punishment if you behave in a certain way. See, the concept of deserve 00:40:20.521 --> 00:40:24.200 is a key ingredient in a violent way of life. 00:40:24.704 --> 00:40:28.113 If you believe in deserve you think certain things are worth things, 00:40:28.253 --> 00:40:31.542 and you'll set up a very destructive economic system. 00:40:31.682 --> 00:40:35.227 You'll set up a destructive correctional system. 00:40:35.367 --> 00:40:37.997 Very dangerous concept. 00:40:39.184 --> 00:40:40.547 "Well that's not the only reason. 00:40:40.687 --> 00:40:45.924 - Why else do you get so scared when you hear gratitude jackal? 00:40:46.209 --> 00:40:49.376 - What's wrong with being humble? 00:40:51.589 --> 00:40:53.861 - So you want to... have a need for humility? 00:40:54.001 --> 00:40:55.328 - Yes. 00:40:55.468 --> 00:40:57.965 - Well you know jackal there's different kinds of humility. 00:40:58.058 --> 00:41:01.361 I'm afraid that your kind is a jackal humility. 00:41:01.441 --> 00:41:04.958 I think your kind is the kind that Golda Meir, the Israeli Prime Minister, 00:41:05.036 --> 00:41:09.058 was reacting to when she said to one of her politicians: 00:41:09.198 --> 00:41:13.088 'Don't be so humble, you're not that great.'" 00:41:19.051 --> 00:41:21.975 But the main reason that I believe that gratitude 00:41:22.053 --> 00:41:24.633 is so scary for many of us to receive 00:41:24.773 --> 00:41:29.055 is beautifully and poetically written in 'The Course of Miracles' 00:41:29.139 --> 00:41:31.994 where they say "it's our light, not our darkness, 00:41:32.072 --> 00:41:34.520 that scares us the most." 00:41:35.657 --> 00:41:40.706 See having been educated in this jackal way to hate ourselves, 00:41:40.819 --> 00:41:44.496 to think there's something wrong with us. 00:41:44.597 --> 00:41:47.648 It's a big jump to really see what I was saying. 00:41:47.788 --> 00:41:52.899 That we have an enormous power to make life wonderful. 00:41:53.644 --> 00:41:59.620 And there's nothing we enjoy doing more than exercising that power. 00:42:00.061 --> 00:42:05.020 That's pretty unfortunately a pretty big jump for us to come to. But we can come to it. 00:42:05.160 --> 00:42:09.985 So that's how we say gratitude: observation, feeling and need. 00:42:10.125 --> 00:42:11.996 Same literacy. 00:42:12.737 --> 00:42:15.546 Make sure it's coming from the heart to celebrate, 00:42:15.686 --> 00:42:19.180 and never to praise, compliment, reward. 00:42:19.334 --> 00:42:24.798 So any last comments or questions before our time runs out? 00:42:26.394 --> 00:42:30.742 I'm grateful for all your time and attention to me.