Whenever I have to go somewhere
there's one thing you can count on
I'll always be there on time.
FALSE
Yeah, I have to admit it
I'm always late
It's really annoying, I'm always late
And I don't do it on purpose
People have a go at me
If I'm always late, it's because of a guy
The guy who invented the snooze for five minutes button on alarm clocks
Have you heard of that button?
Fuck!
There's no point to the button either
You've slept for eight hours
You don't need another 5 minutes
Sorry, I didn't understood what you just said
It's because I'm bilingual
For bilingual people, the button is called "snooze"
Ah! "Snooze". Amazing.
There's another reason why I'm often late.
The very moment I need to leave
I always feel the need to do something that I'd never normally think of doing
Right, I'm off
The table leg's all wonky
I need to repair it
OK. It's done.
I can go.
At those times, I'm all stressed cos I know I need to set off
I start doing weird stuff
Did I switch off the light in the bathroom?
I never manage to set off relaxed
Chilled out, without a worry in the world.
I need to be stressed and panicked to actually set off.
I need adrenaline.
There's something I don't get
When you get where you're going
You've run, you've sweated, you're soaked through
you were stressed and panicked
You've given it everything you've got. You can't take another step.
You get to the person you're meeting and you say "I'm here"
and they have a go at you.
In that kind of situation, you deserve a medal
The worst thing is at work. I always get bollocked.
At work, you're not allowed to be late.
Even a few seconds, it's just not on.
In your boss's head, it's "NO".
I've tried all the excuses in the world
but it never works
Sorry, it's the "snooze" button.
I don't know if you've noticed
when girls come up with an excuse,
it always works
There excuses are crap
Sorry, this morning, I wasn't feeling very well.
This morning, you weren't feeling very well
Erm, that's not a bad excuse
Let's forgot about it
You can come in
That's just great. "Not very well"
My excuses never work
I use white lies
You don't lie exactly, but at the same time, you try it on a bit
You step out the door and you send a text
to your friend saying, I'll soon be there, I'm on my way
That's called a white lie
There are some people that think you do it on purpose
to show off
as if it was cool
No, it's not cool
I'm really late, I lost track of time.
I can't read the time
You're sacked
Get lost.
No, I was just having a laugh
You're fired
Get out of here now
I'm doing the gun sign, so get out of here
Now, I'm an adult
I've finally worked out that to be on time
it's not complicated
all you need is a bit of courage
I saw that over 30,000 of you were following my Facebook page
I thought that we could fill a football stadium
and we could have a match.