WEBVTT
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Nick: Oh, God damn it!
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Facebook (FB): Hello! Welcome home, Nick.
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Your new home update is ready for viewing.
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Nick: Are you serious?
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I just got used to the way you had it before.
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FB: Just let me know if you're ready to begin the tour.
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Nick: [sigh]
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Okay.
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FB: As you can see, we made some changes to improve the functionality
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of your living room environment.
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Nick: Wait ... no! Where's the other half of my couch?
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Wha-- what is this chair thing? I--
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FB: We've decreased the size of your Television
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to make room for your new Bookcase.
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N: No, I had a 60-six inch TV! What? Can we just put the--
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FB: Just let me know when you're ready to move on.
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Nick: sigh
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Okay.
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FB: Check out your new bedroom.
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We've consolidated your Photos and Music
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into one convenient location.
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Friend: Hohoho ... Dude, you didn't say you were so chubby in highschool.
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Friend of Friend: Man, do you listen to anything besides Top 40?
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Nick: How did you guys get in here?
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FB: Friends and Friends of Friends
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now have better access to you
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through your new Privacy Door.
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Nick: No! I said in the last update that I didn't want anybody in here.
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Get out! Now!
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Nick: (to Friend 1) I haven't talked to you in six years.
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Nick: (to Friend of Friend): And I don't know who you are.
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Nick: (to FB) Would you stop resetting my privacy settings every ti--?!
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[knock on window]
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FB: I see your found your new Privacy Window.
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It allows for anyone on Earth
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to see what you're up to.
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Whenever they want!
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Nick: No! I said I don't want anything like this!
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Would you please--!
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FB: Just let me know when you're ready to move on.
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Nick: [heavy sigh]
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FB: Finally, we've combined your dining room
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and social media center
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Now it's way easier for your friends to keep you
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in the know.
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Friend 2: Nick! Hi! Can you go to my birthday party?
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Friend: Nick! Would you vote for my brother
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in his contests?
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Friend 2's Brother: [poke]
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Friend 2: Nick! Would you come to my improv show tonight?
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Nick: No! I'm not going to any of those.
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Friend 2: No!
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Nick: [pokes back] Stop it!
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Is this tour done because I'm getting sick of all these--?
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[barking sounds]
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Nick: What is that thing in my kitchen?
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FB: We've taken your cat and replaced it
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with a Dog.
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Nick: No!
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Nick: No!!!
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FB: We've also changed your walls around.
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Nick: These are just ads! What?!!
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FB: If you look here--
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Nick: No! We're ending the tour.
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FB: Okay.
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Nick: Motherfu--!
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Whistling