Nick: Oh, God damn it!

Facebook (FB): Hello! Welcome home, Nick.

Your new home update is ready for viewing.

Nick: Are you serious?

I just got used to the way you had it before.

FB: Just let me know if you're ready to begin the tour.

Nick: [sigh]

Okay.

FB: As you can see, we made some changes to improve the functionality

of your living room environment.

Nick: Wait ... no! Where's the other half of my couch?

Wha-- what is this chair thing? I--

FB: We've decreased the size of your Television

to make room for your new Bookcase.

N: No, I had a 60-six inch TV! What? Can we just put the--

FB: Just let me know when you're ready to move on.

Nick: <i>sigh</i>

Okay.

FB: Check out your new bedroom.

We've consolidated your Photos and Music

into one convenient location.

Friend: Hohoho ... Dude, you didn't say you were so chubby in highschool.

Friend of Friend: Man, do you listen to anything besides Top 40?

Nick: How did you guys get in here?

FB: Friends and Friends of Friends

now have better access to you

through your new Privacy Door.

Nick: No! I said in the last update that I didn't want anybody in here.

Get out! Now!

Nick: (to Friend 1) I haven't talked to you in six years.

Nick: (to Friend of Friend): And I don't know who you are.

Nick: (to FB) Would you stop resetting my privacy settings every ti--?!

[knock on window]

FB: I see your found your new Privacy Window.

It allows for anyone on Earth

to see what you're up to.

Whenever they want!

Nick: No! I said I don't want anything like this!

Would you please--!

FB: Just let me know when you're ready to move on.

Nick: [heavy sigh]

FB: Finally, we've combined your dining room

and social media center

Now it's way easier for your friends to keep you

in the know.

Friend 2: Nick! Hi! Can you go to my birthday party?

Friend: Nick! Would you vote for my brother

in his contests?

Friend 2's Brother: [poke]

Friend 2: Nick! Would you come to my improv show tonight?

Nick: No! I'm not going to any of those.

Friend 2: No!

Nick: [pokes back] Stop it!

Is this tour done because I'm getting sick of all these--?

[barking sounds]

Nick: What is that thing in my kitchen?

FB: We've taken your cat and replaced it

with a Dog.

Nick: No!

Nick: No!!!

FB: We've also changed your walls around.

Nick: These are just ads! What?!!

FB: If you look here--

Nick: No! We're ending the tour.

FB: Okay.

Nick: Motherfu--!

<i>Whistling</i>