Nick: Oh, God damn it!
Facebook (FB): Hello! Welcome home, Nick.
Your new home update is ready for viewing.
Nick: Are you serious?
I just got used to the way you had it before.
FB: Just let me know if you're ready to begin the tour.
Nick: [sigh]
Okay.
FB: As you can see, we made some changes to improve the functionality
of your living room environment.
Nick: Wait ... no! Where's the other half of my couch?
Wha-- what is this chair thing? I--
FB: We've decreased the size of your Television
to make room for your new Bookcase.
N: No, I had a 60-six inch TV! What? Can we just put the--
FB: Just let me know when you're ready to move on.
Nick: sigh
Okay.
FB: Check out your new bedroom.
We've consolidated your Photos and Music
into one convenient location.
Friend: Hohoho ... Dude, you didn't say you were so chubby in highschool.
Friend of Friend: Man, do you listen to anything besides Top 40?
Nick: How did you guys get in here?
FB: Friends and Friends of Friends
now have better access to you
through your new Privacy Door.
Nick: No! I said in the last update that I didn't want anybody in here.
Get out! Now!
Nick: (to Friend 1) I haven't talked to you in six years.
Nick: (to Friend of Friend): And I don't know who you are.
Nick: (to FB) Would you stop resetting my privacy settings every ti--?!
[knock on window]
FB: I see your found your new Privacy Window.
It allows for anyone on Earth
to see what you're up to.
Whenever they want!
Nick: No! I said I don't want anything like this!
Would you please--!
FB: Just let me know when you're ready to move on.
Nick: [heavy sigh]
FB: Finally, we've combined your dining room
and social media center
Now it's way easier for your friends to keep you
in the know.
Friend 2: Nick! Hi! Can you go to my birthday party?
Friend: Nick! Would you vote for my brother
in his contests?
Friend 2's Brother: [poke]
Friend 2: Nick! Would you come to my improv show tonight?
Nick: No! I'm not going to any of those.
Friend 2: No!
Nick: [pokes back] Stop it!
Is this tour done because I'm getting sick of all these--?
[barking sounds]
Nick: What is that thing in my kitchen?
FB: We've taken your cat and replaced it
with a Dog.
Nick: No!
Nick: No!!!
FB: We've also changed your walls around.
Nick: These are just ads! What?!!
FB: If you look here--
Nick: No! We're ending the tour.
FB: Okay.
Nick: Motherfu--!
Whistling